Original subtitles

From the long, long night with an ocean breeze, to the damp and to the rain of

London City.

We come from the sun to live in the cold, I miss my rum, I want my coconut

Let's keep the music sweet, wind up your waist and feel the heat.

He's finished working. He doesn't have to beat people up anymore.

It's the kids who can beat us up. The size of some of them. And I'm talking

about the eight -year -olds.

You're glad you're doing it, though, sure.

Oh, yes, Lee.

Imagine taking so long to make one of the best decisions of my life.

Twenty years thinking about it and ten seconds to pick up the phone.

Lee?

What was she like, Cheryl?

Your mum?

No, the Queen of Sheba.

Your mother was a wonderful woman.

She had the best voice I ever heard. Pearl used to have the audience eating

of her hands.

When she sang, her hair used to fall onto her face. She had long, curly hair

right down to her shoulders.

Oh, so I look a lot like her, then.

Things were tough then.

Not like it is now.

Now it's almost applauded.

Pregnant, single woman.

But you see, back in the 60s... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, the swinging 60s.

was doing it, free love and all that.

I haven't missed out on that. Can you believe that, Shell? All that crumpet.

It wasn't like that. It was still frowned upon.

She did what she thought was right.

Yeah, stuck me in home and shot off to America.

Well, yes, but... We promised that we'd keep an eye on you.

And, well, you know the rest.

No, I don't, Cheryl.

I still don't know who me old man is.

Neither do I.

She never reveals his name.

You know what, Shirley Ambrose?

What, Lee Stanley?

You're a real diamond.

Now, kiss a kiss before I change my mind.

Yes?

Yes.

Thank you. Are you sure?

Thank you.

Goodbye.

And? At the third stroke, it will be four o 'clock precisely.

Thank you, Popeye.

Why did I buy this watch from Lee? It got a winder you can't wind up, it got

number so you can't tell the time, and it don't tick, so you don't have it

working. I mean, what is this world coming to?

What does it say?

About this time.

Oh, good.

Get off my case, will you? What's wrong, Sean?

These two, Dad.

Oh, excuse me, but you're the one that seems to have a problem with two.

Look, just chill out, man. Oh, he's so chippendale.

Sean, I'm your father and I demand an explanation.

Besides, I'm curious.

Yeah, man.

Well, it's nothing, really. It's just that...

Well, I've got two women after me, Dad. Oh, that's my boy.

Yes, isn't he?

Well, you see, Dad, I didn't mean to kiss Janet, but I just had to get close

Jackie, right? But then Jackie found out, and now she doesn't want to know,

Janet's mad because she said I used it because she doesn't love me, but I don't

really love her because I like Jackie. So what do you think I should do, Dad?

Well, who's Janet?

The one he kissed.

So, Janet likes you, but you like Jackie?

Correct. Well, it's simple, then.

Tell Jackie you like her.

I know what I'll do. What?

I'll ask Caroline out instead.

A horse, Caroline?

I don't know, but I'll soon find out.

Manny, the file for Mrs Hogg, have you seen it?

Yes. Well, where is it? On your desk. It isn't on my desk. It's certainly in his

boxer shorts in the flat. So it isn't where it... So it isn't where it...

find for him, like a pair of eyes or his brain.

Is there anything wrong, then? Are you sure you want to know? Yes, I do. Well,

how long have you got?

Oh, hang it all, sir.

It's Philip.

You're still seeing him?

Well, nobody else has volunteered.

Seeing him is about all I've been doing. He doesn't want me to get close,

whereas I want to reach out and touch him. You do?

I was talking about the emotional side of him.

Oh, we talk about superficial things.

But the only thing he really gets emotional about is a ball.

Isn't it a net, a basket or a hole?

What is it with the bed?

I'd never realised our great Philip had so many shortcomings.

And you haven't got any, I suppose.

Well, one tries.

Oh, does he?

Well, one quite possibly isn't trying hard enough, sir.

What do you mean?

Philip may have his faults, but what you've got to ask yourself... is why, at

the age of 30... Nearly 30. 30, you're still an assistant bank manager.

Do you want to know why? No. It's because you've got your great fat head

sand. You sit on your even greater and fatter behind, expecting promotion to

fall on your lap. And it won't, because A, you haven't got a second language,

and B, you haven't got a wife.

Both areas I can help you in, sir.

How old are you, Mandy?

Twenty -something, sir. And who's your boss?

You are, sir. That's right. So get your backside off me.

I'm sorry, sir. I didn't mean to... I mean, you did want to... I mean, you did

ask me to... No!

Tell me, take a turn.

What's your family like?

A pain.

Yeah, I thought as much.

You know, no one I know has got anything good to say about their family.

Makes me wonder. Should I bother tracking mine down?

I don't know.

I'll get on all right with mine.

Even better since I left home.

Do you know what I wanted to be when I left the children's zone? What? I wanted

to be a pilot. I wanted to travel around the world surrounded by air hostesses.

Instead, the furthest I'd been, it was Ibiza, surrounded by girls from Essex.

Do you know what I wanted to be?

A male model.

Yeah, I can see why you never made it, Tony.

No, that was not the reason. I went to an agency when I was 16. They said

take me on if I grew five more inches.

You see, I was 5 '7 then, and I'm still 5 '7 now.

I tried becoming taller and that. I even tried hanging from doors. All I got was

longer arms.

You'd love to be so full of disappointments you wouldn't come out of

would you? No, you wouldn't.

Oh,

had a bad day at the office, dear?

Yes, if you must know.

Tony, I feel a need to be pampered. Give me a trim, please.

I don't know. You try and do somebody a favour and all you get is grief.

What's her name?

Miss Mandy Suttle.

So, uh...

Who put whose foot in it, then?

Well... OK, so I'm nearly 30.

30?! I haven't got a problem with 30.

OK, so I'm not a branch manager.

And I don't know a language.

And I'm not married, and I haven't got kids.

And you haven't got spots. Certainly not.

That's true.

You know, when I was a kid, you know what I wanted to be when I grew up?

A pilot?

Nope. Male model?

No. The richest man in the world?

No. I always said by the time I was 30, I'd become a bank manager.

So what's the problem then?

Well, I'm nearly 30, innit?

Yeah, well, you've got a family, though.

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah. I always said by the time I was 30, I'd find mine.

I'm 28.

Don't even know where my father is or what he looks like.

All I know is that the basket must be bald because my ear is disappearing as

quickly as...

Are you patronizing me?

No.

You know I hate it when you do that.

If only you could see yourself just then.

Five seconds of exercise.

I was only warming up.

For what?

I think you just better keep on warming up.

Because the way you were just then, you wouldn't make it past the first hurdle.

Who say I have to run up to it?

Nobody says you have to run.

There's my now, bro.

Lee asked about his mother today.

He did?

What did you tell him?

What I've always told him.

I mean, you'd think that after all these years, Pearl would contact the son, put

his mind at rest.

Oh, hers for that matter. I mean, the poor kid doesn't know who he is.

What I would like to know is who the father is.

She kept that secret even to this day. No one knows.

What does she know?

Jasmine, of course she does.

Well, if only she knows.

How do you know she knows?

Because she says she does.

Well, we only have her word for it. I wonder what she's covering up.

Yes.

I wonder.

Michael will be 30 this year.

He was 30 when he was born.

Well, he was 42, the boy in the dresses.

Well, it's time he was making some decisions about his life.

Well, by the time I was his age, I'd made a lot of decisions.

Like what?

Well, I married you.

I decided that.

Well, we came to England.

I decided that.

We started a family.

You decided that.

Well, about the shop.

Yes. I wonder what will become of our children.

I wonder if they'll find happiness or will they be disappointed.

Oh, Sean will be all right. He makes his own decisions.

Really? Today he had to choose between two women and he opted for a third.

Ha! Ship off the old block. What?

You think so?

Good morning, Mandy.

Mandy? Yes, sir?

What's this?

It's an apology, sir.

Oh, fairly large apology.

Well, after yesterday's outburst, it had to be.

Before you open it, sir, I'd just like to say a few words. Will it take long?

No longer than necessary.

I don't want you to think that yesterday was another episode of an hysterical

woman who can't cope.

No, no, it's just one of those things.

Well, I'm glad you think so, sir, because the truth is I meant a lot of

said. You did?

Yes, sir.

Not apologising? Well... Right.

What are you doing? Well, if this isn't an apology, this can't be a present.

What I'm trying to say, sir, is you should be doing something about your

and I got this specially for you.

Well...

You don't like it? No, no, no, no, no. It's great.

A Spanish language course. That cost a fortune.

I know. Two hundred pounds.

Manny, you shouldn't have.

Actually, I didn't. It's my brother's.

Here you are, Cheryl.

Thanks for yesterday.

Oh, Lee, thank you.

Oh, but you shouldn't have.

What is it about women?

You think about it. You walk all the way down to the flower shop. You spend a

whole heap of money, you buy her a bunch of flowers.

Carefully coordinating the colours.

You walk half a mile to present them to her.

And when you give them to her, she says, Oh, you shouldn't have.

Then you find the right time, the right place, the right woman.

And when you give her the flowers, you say, are they for me?

You're just jealous because nobody gives you flowers.

You sure they're flowers?

You remember the rubber plant we got from them? We thought it was real. We

them a real enough price for it to turn out to be plastic.

Well, these are real. Thank you, Lee.

All right, Des.

Don't drag my reputation through the dirt in public, yeah?

I've got a plastic rubber plant.

You gave me for my birthday.

I always forget the water plants, but with this one, I don't have to forget.

You mean you don't have to remember?

The same difference.

A satisfied customer. Well, there's a fair sign for everything.

Here, Lee.

Those plane tickets I supply on your end?

Yep. Yesterday, I was on such a downer, I thought I'd cheer myself up and book

an holiday for next month.

So, come on then.

Tell us all where you're going.

Ibiza. No!

No, Essex, mate, it's cheaper.

I like it.

Lee, I hope you have a nice holiday.

Thanks, Cheryl.

As if I get my European passport in time. See, my temporary one's run out.

Isn't life strange?

Lee wants to cheer himself up. He goes on a plane and goes to another country.

When we were young and I felt down, I'd pick up my bag of marbles, line them

carefully up against the wall and cut them.

How many did you wear? Five.

Listen to this.

It says here, what's your surname or maiden name? And if name has been

other than by adoption, give previous names.

What shall I put?

I think it's time I used my mum's name.

What's her name, Cheryl?

Well, her real name is Agnes Mary Thompson.

Agnes... Mary.

Oh, look, Pearl would be much easier.

Here's a useful question.

What nationality is your father and does he have citizenship?

Yeah, it's all right to ask you questions like that.

They do have to know, Desmond.

Oh, when they find out, perhaps they'll tell me.

Oh, look, I've got to get down to the passport office before it closes.

What time you got this?

Three o 'clock.

Yeah, well, I'll see you later.

I don't know why he's having any difficulty finding out who his father

All he has to do is look for someone as dodgy as he is.

After all, there's an old African saying.

A crab does not give birth to a canary bird.

Think about it.

Yes, Sean, it's make your mother tired. Now, is it going to be Jackie who likes

to run from your door and play with your Arias? Mm -hmm. Or Jackie who likes

going skating with her mum and dad but occasionally gets onto thin ice? Or will

it be Caroline who goes to bed late?

Gets up late, but would never be late for you, Sean.

Why, the choice is yours.

Have we no Laura and Laura fun, Sean?

What have you got here, then, Sean?

Nothing, I was just practising, cos, you know, me and Spider, we borrowed a

video camera from school. Why are you lying, Sean?

I'm not lying, I'm telling the truth.

All right, then, we'll switch to video one, then. I don't want to watch it any

more. Oh, that's all right, because we do.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Come on, give me the remote.

Look, easy, easy.

Well, there's only one thing to do. No, no, no, not that, not that.

Well, give it to us then. Look, now, just calm down, people, calm down.

Tickling.

Hello,

my name is Janet.

I like ice skating, house music, my mum and my dad.

I just like Mr Jordan, the arts teacher, and I like you, Sean.

He said it, I didn't. How could you subject women to this?

Putting them on screen as some sort of video date for you to gloat over. Yeah,

mean, you know, what do they get, brownie points for the one that can

the best in front of the camera? No.

They get me, innit?

I don't believe I'm hearing that. Look, it's quite simple, right? I have three

women, right, all of whom fancy me.

I do.

I've got to choose one, right?

So I'm too close to them all, so I thought the best way was to be

So, what I do is I video them, right? And seeing them on the screen, it helps

distance my emotional ties, you know what I mean? And therefore, that enables

to choose quite fairly the perfect partner.

Not a bad idea.

Oh, and I don't force them to do it because I'm not that type of guy, you

In fact, it's a brilliant idea, don't you reckon, Louise?

Yeah, I mean, how many times have you been indecisive about two blokes? Two

blokes?

What's that two look like then?

Anybody seen my hat?

Yeah, it's in the cupboard next to the cornflakes.

Who put it there?

You did.

She's nice.

Yeah, I know.

Hi, I'm Jackie.

I like dancing, singing opera and hardcore.

Hardcore? Sure. What are you doing? Turn that thing off right now.

It's just rap music. Hardcore rap music.

Well, why can't they call it music if that's what it is?

Well, because music has different categories.

Are you sure this hardcore is not what it suggests?

Of course not.

Well, she's nice.

So that's Janet.

Nah. Well, who is it then?

Jackie. So where's Caroline?

Here she is.

Hello, my name is Caroline.

I don't really like being in front of cameras, not even the small ones.

I like going to bed late, getting up late, yo rap MTV.

It's Sean Ambrose.

She's nice.

Yes, I know.

So, which one do you reckon, Dad? I mean, it's serious worries, man.

Boy, when you got no woman chasing you, then it's serious worries.

Speaking of which, I'll have to pick up your mother before or else it's serious

worries.

I sometimes think your dad's mad.

Yes.

Hello, Caroline.

Yeah, Sean.

Listen, what are you doing on Monday?

Oh, I'm bringing toothbrushes in.

Dad!

Buenas tardes, señorita.

Buenas tardes, señor.

¿Cómo está usted?

Bien, gracias.

¿Es usted?

Sí, señor.

Well, I'm not. I'm not.

You're doing fine.

It's just... Oh, come on. Spit it out.

You're doing fine.

It's just your accent's lousy. Well, of course it is. I'm English, not Spanish.

No, one has to know how to speak a language properly, otherwise one won't

understood. Oh, well, would one care to show one?

It's all to do with the tongue and the lips, sir. Really?

After me.

Buenas tardes, señorita.

Buenas tardes, señorita. No, no, no, that won't do.

Buenas tardes.

Senorita. Buenos tardes, senorita.

Senorita.

Senorita. That's very good.

Are you feeling adventurous?

Oh, fairly.

Do you think you could get your tongue around this one?

How about dinner tonight?

Um... Si, senorita.

Mucho better!

Funny

thing

about kids' playgrounds. They're the same all over the world. Mad.

Why does Cheryl take the job helping at the school, Des?

Well, you know, sure.

Always ready to help those less well -off than we are.

Are we better off, Des? Of course we are.

There and there and we're out here.

Funny, Des. When I was at Dr. Bernardo's, I didn't like it much.

Now look at these kids. They don't seem that bad after all that.

Ever thought of going back?

Nah, mate.

Never look back. That's my motto.

You can only look back when you've found what you're looking for.

And I've decided I'm going to find me folks then.

Twenty years thinking about it and two seconds to decide, yeah?

Yeah.

Well, we'll do everything that we can to help.

Do you want a lift, ma 'am?

Yes, I do, son.

What about me?

Do you think I'll forget about you, Dad?