Original subtitles

From the long, hot night with an ocean breeze to the damp and to the rain of

London 15.

We come from the sun to live in the cold, I'm in near of my watch, my

tree.

Let's keep the music sweet, wind up your waist and feel the air.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, that's right, Shell.

Flashes those ganaches.

I hope you don't have any film in that thing. I'm camera shy, you know.

You would have fooled me.

Camera? This ain't a camera, Shell.

It looks like a camera to me.

Then I think we can say it is definitely not a camera.

This is a camcorder.

Video technology at its best.

Oh yeah, make love to it, Shell.

That's not Naomi Campbell you're talking to, that's my wife.

Your wife does, you sure about that?

I thought she was your long -lost daughter.

What do I want with a long -lost daughter when the one I got her can't

because she's out sporting all light until goodness knows when, doing

knows what and goodness knows where.

Tell goodness I'm not Gloria.

I mean, all my children stay home and discuss the future with their parents.

Yes, you've been watching too much of the Cosby show, mate. Yes, Mum, she only

just passed her exams.

In Regambia?

We firmly believe that as much time should be spent on career guidance as it

on education.

You hear that, Desmond?

After all those years of studying, he's going to take just as long deciding

which job he wants.

I always know what career marks talent to adjust in four days.

And what is that then, Tom?

You know...

When I needed someone to supervise the decoration of one of my flats, why do

think I turned to Louise and not to Gloria?

Because Gloria would have reported you to the low -pay unit.

No, because Louise knows what she wants out of life, and one is simply

responding to that.

Well,

thanks to one, my daughter is out with Louise all the time looking after your

blasted flat instead of staying home deciding on her career.

Oh, it's great. It's just great to hear again.

Instead of staying home...

I think I'm getting the hang of this directing lockdown.

That's the sort of thing I'd be filming if I had a camera.

So, you just gave me a great idea.

This is the life, girl.

Quiet night in.

No more revising for A -levels. No more revising ever.

A couple of lagers.

A couple of my dad's lagers.

And my own pad.

I wish it was for more than two weeks, though.

The great Matthews decorators are going. It looks like you'll be here forever.

Even better.

You know, I've always envied you, Gloria. Back of the queue.

Level -headed.

Brought up in a happy, understanding family environment.

You make me sound like the Waltons.

I mean, you know where you've come from.

What, Peckham?

And you know where you're going.

Well, it was going to be Peckham, but it looks like I've missed the last bus,

so, uh, ain't that a shame?

I hope you're going to phone home.

What are you, my mother?

Gloria, I don't care.

If you're 18 or you're 80, you must have your cab fare to come home at night.

I don't know what it's like when dad clocks me.

Gloria, you're thinking more about what job you're going to do.

Honestly, they treat me like their daughter.

I know, it must be such a hassle having someone show a keen interest in you.

Interest? After 18 years keen interest, even you'd find the repayments a hassle.

Anyway, we're independent women of the 90s.

Hmm. It's got a certain ring to it. Hmm.

I've just had an idea.

Save it for university.

No, we could get our own place. Imagine it, Glor. We could live like this all

year round.

I want to get parole for good behaviour.

I don't think so. And I've got enough on my plate as it is.

But you just said you was an independent woman of the 90s. I am.

But I'm also a creature of comfort. And at home, it's free.

Move over, Spike.

The fresh Prince of Peckham is here.

Are you 100 % sure about all this?

These will go spare.

Tony, all I'll be doing is videoing the life of Barbershop. I mean, what's he

got to go spare about, eh?

Well, little things like you unscrewing the legs to his table, getting me to rig

his hand shower.

You taking the springs out of the till, also you can win five grand on you being

free. Yeah, and what's he got to go spare about?

Saying you're making a low -budget European art house movie set in a barber

shop. The hairdresser's husband, too.

Ta -da!

I can see the reviews now.

Matthew at...

Very similitude to a gargantuan film of intellectual and artistic integrity.

Dirty Ray.

Desmond.

Probably the best barber in the world.

Hey, you can't let the father barber dress like that.

Why not?

He's been acting the part of a barber dressed worse than that for years.

Positions, everyone. Now, look, Matthew.

You are sitting over here, right, playing a customer, getting his hair

Desmond. And believe me, you are enjoying it, right? This is going to

acting than I anticipated.

You're sitting over there, getting ready to play dominoes with, um, old E .T.

over there. Come on.

I'll be back to you in a minute, right? That's all right. Take your time. I need

to peel my way around this bar.

Yeah.

Right, and, er, Tone, you're best boy. Yeah, what else? Best boy? What's that?

Director's jargon, Des, OK?

And... Action!

Oh, what did... Oh,

go on, then, Des, wash his hair.

Well, I can't, there's no water coming out of the taps.

If he's not ready, we are.

That's right.

Yeah, yeah, in a second, pork pie.

Tone, you're good at plumbing, aren't you?

I am.

Oh, I am. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Fellini wouldn't have these problems.

I'm working it. It's not a drop.

Forget those two and film me, man. I'm reaching my peak.

I keep it still. Look, this mic picks up everything.

Oh, no, I've missed it.

It's not got a peak now.

Oh, no, another one.

Oh, no, I've missed them all.

Oh, please.

I suppose that's your idea of a joke.

It's this.

I come clean with you, mate. I was trying to do a you've been framed.

More like we've been had.

Could someone please put me in the picture?

It's a TV show, Matt. You know, own video's gone wrong. Ah, no wonder I

heard of it.

You see, the only light entertainment I allow myself is Mastermind.

You really live life to the full, don't you, Matt?

Right. I want you to clear up this place right now.

I don't want any more mess of pranks in this place.

you're looking for? Have you seen my lagers anywhere?

Why you don't try the tumble dryer while you're at it? Well, I've already done

that.

You're sure you didn't drink them? You know what your memory is like after one

of your lagers?

It's not my memory, it's Whitney who's done up there.

I mean, I invite Pro Piper Drinker, she go on and drink out all my lagers.

If she can't live by the rules, it is how she'll have to move out. I think

go and have a word with her. All right.

If she's to be spoken to, I'll do it.

I know what you're like.

Hurricane Deadpool.

Well, listen, someone's got to talk to us straight, otherwise it's yeah, yeah,

yeah, some of the time, okay? I'm on my way out.

Boy, that's a hard tune.

Sounds like somebody's enjoying themselves upstairs.

Not for long.

Well, I think we've got to go to the pub instead.

You can't invite a pensioner up for a drink one minute and then tell him to go

down to the pub the next.

I was looking forward to having a rap, drinking your lagers.

I'm playing.

I know you only just passed your exam. Yeah, look. Have you talked any more

about it?

Okay.

On your way out.

You're always on your way out.

You treat this place more like a garage. You pull in anywhere you want, fill up

with petrol, and then you zoom up out again.

What are you doing, ma 'am? You just stay right where you are, little miss.

Otherwise, you won't be allowed out anywhere at any time.

You know what, Desmond?

If we leave now, I'll treat you to that larder.

A larder?

I'm not no girl anymore, you know. I've got my A -levels.

Well, A -levels don't make it the woman.

And as long as you're under this roof, you're still a little girl. Oh, my God,

who stands this roof?

Well, if that's the way you want it, that's fine by me, because two women

live under one roof.

Don't you suck your teeth at your mother!

Gloria Jeanette, Elaine Ambrose, the Uncle Porkpie would like to have a word

with you.

I've seen you wet your nappies. I've seen you sick in your bed. I've seen you

come home from school bawling your eyes out. And if it wasn't for your mother

and father being there to wipe your nose or to give you love, you wouldn't be

able to spell A -levels, let alone pass them.

You don't suck your teeth and walk out on your parents, not where we come from.

Got into her.

But whatever it is, Popeye, you certainly did the trick.

It's just a little something I never had a chance to say to my own daughter,

Denise.

Aha, I see it didn't take you too long to come to your senses.

No, Uncle Popeye, it didn't.

Well, go on then. Don't you have something to say to your parents?

Yeah. Mum, Dad, I'm leaving home.

What a miserable day.

England cool, eh, boy?

You look as old as I feel.

Gloria? No, Mr. Ambrose, it's me, Louise. But she's all right. She's with

round Matthew's flat.

Um, well, can I speak to her, please?

You could, but... But what?

She doesn't want to speak to you.

She doesn't...

Put the girl on.

I'm only the go -between, Mr. Ambrose. And besides, she's sleeping. We were up

all night.

Yes, clubbing it again.

What did you say in the end? Just did a lot of talking and crying and more

crying. I tend to get a bit emotional at these sort of things.

You should have been here.

You would have been in good company.

Yeah, well, that's why I'm calling. She says she's not coming back until she

gets an apology.

Sorry? No, not from you. From Mrs.

Ambrose. She wants your little apologies?

What, you want blood?

What is this world coming to when a man can't speak to you on picnic like you're

picnic?

That's just it. She isn't a picnic.

I mean child anymore.

But then again, I am only the... Go between.

All right, tell her Shirley apologizes. Now put on the girl.

Who was on the phone?

Me.

Glory's with Louise at Matthew's flat.

I thought she would be.

It's going to be a lovely day.

Shirley, why don't phone Gloria?

I'm sure she'll appreciate having a call from her favorite mother.

Desmond,

she would have had to leave home sooner or later, so why not sooner rather than

later? But Shirley... Life goes on.

You said it yourself.

If she's going to break all our rules, she might as well move out.

And she's not coming back till she apologizes first.

What's this, Lee?

You resorted to videoing your foot -button?

No, Des, we're watching the playback through the viewfinder to see what we

yesterday. Ha!

That's director's jargon, that is, Des.

Huh? We should have shot the director.

Look, guys, if we put our heads together, we're bound to come up with

Lee, my head is far too precious to be put together with yours.

Here, Lee, why don't we try filming outdoors?

Oh, look, we've done all the insides. Hello, Desmond.

Look, Desmond, I don't want a showdown.

I'm surprised you showed up. You wrecked my family, then disappeared faster than

Linford Christie.

I was only trying to help, Desmond. I just gave Gloria peace of my mind.

You sure you can spare it?

I've still got two women who would apologize to each other until one of

apologizes to the other one first.

Why? I don't envy your problem, Desmond. My problem? You and your big mouth.

You can insult me as much as you want, Desmond. Thank you, I will.

But it's not going to bring Gloria back.

You're right, Popeye.

You've got to find some way to make them make up.

No matter what it costs.

As long as it's not too expensive, because I don't have any money.

But you surely won't go there.

And Gloria won't come here.

I've got it.

Why? Who's coming to the party with me this Sunday to help me crack this video

thing, eh?

Aha!

It is too short.

She's in here. I'm sure she'll be pleased to see you.

And you took a level out.

Oh, Dad, I thought you'd be Mum.

It's a lot of decor, then.

Nice. Which bit's Matthew's decorators and which bit's you?

Oh, it's really the guys. I'm just making a mess of things.

Take a seat.

Well, looks as if someone already has.

It's his beanbag country round here, Dad.

Why, thank you, old bean.

What brings you to this neck of the woods?

I come to watch paint, Ray.

What do you think I'm doing here? Oh, let's not argue, Dad.

I'm sorry, sweetheart, but... Oh, don't mind me.

I'll just go and make a cup of tea then, shall I? No, you can stay, Lou.

So this is where you live?

Well, it do for the time being.

It's what we independent women of the 90s call a stepping stone.

Well, man, you don't miss the step and fall flat on your face.

Look, Dad, it's not my fault. All right, I'm fed up with people nagging me all

the time. I want to make my own decisions in my own time, in my own way.

a child, you know.

Well, you still have a mother.

Yeah, I know, Dad, I know.

Well, that's your problem, Gloria. You know everything. I mean, what do you

know? Well, now I embarrassed Uncle Porkpie and you, and most of all, now I

Mum down.

Is it me, Porkpie, or is it me?

Of course it's not you.

I expect everyone goes through the same with their kids.

You're so determined not to repeat your parents' mistakes, you end up making a

whole heap of your own.

Don't look at me.

I didn't exactly get any gold stars with my daughter. I didn't even get a bronze

star for my marriage.

You know, Popeye, I wouldn't mind if it was just me.

But in front of you as well?

It's like everyone's got their beady eye on me, waiting for me to make one wrong

move. You can't ask her a simple question without her jumping down your

I'll go out once in the blue moon of an evening.

Every night she's out, gallivanting.

I had to leave home sooner or later, didn't I?

Look me in the eyes and tell me you weren't happy at home.

Shirley, you can't tell me you don't want her back.

Of course I do.

But I'm not a rug for her to walk on.

I know.

Why don't we go for a walk in the park tomorrow?

Lee wants everybody to help him make this video where...

Everything goes wrong.

Oh, I should be the star of that one then, shouldn't I?

You're probably right, Paul Payne.

Some of my worst problems have been solved with a walk in the park.

And you never know who you might bump into.

Right, now, let's go through it again.

You've got to be joking. Listen, when the director talks, you've all got to

attention, right?

Now, Tone, you ride the BMX towards the tree, all the time, giving it something

out to the camera, yeah?

I'll follow along in my tracking dolly, as if Pork Pipe gets there with it, and

just before you smack into the tree, Matthew shouts out, Geronimo.

Look,

Matthew, you've got to shout it louder, he's got to hear you.

Geronimo! All right, all right, he's not in Australia.

Anyway, just in time, you hop off of the bike, out of the way, and five grand in

the can.

It's not going to look like an accident, Lee, and I'll tell you what else.

It ain't even funny.

That is what he thinks. Listen, Mike, don't shout out.

I beg your pardon?

Trust me, it'd be brilliant.

Don't shout out when he gets to the tree.

Lee, I'm surprised at you.

20 % of the price money. Do what?

It's my price for silence.

Look, this is you being framed, not the price is right.

All right, take it.

15. Done.

It's the truth. Never aggle with an African, especially one who's been to

business, boy.

Okay, Tone. Yeah, well, but... Good, good, good, good. Right.

Roll them.

What? Aren't you going to wait till I park my own in his truck and dolly? No,

no, no. I'll have to do it on foot.

Besides, we're running out of light, I think.

Right. You wouldn't understand. It's director's jargon.

Right, Tone.

Go. No, no, no, no, no.

And... Action!

Any math?

Yes.

Now, Louise, can you take this trolley I found at the Wehrleys filming?

He said he needs it for a tracking shot.

A what?

It's director's jargon.

Oh, yeah. Of course, Mr. Grant.

So, Desmond, On behalf of your client, you have to apologize to me first on

behalf of my client.

Me? Apologize to you?

Accepted. Accepted? But I haven't even apologized.

Why? You sneak in and I thought first you apologize, then you take it back.

Oh, you don't take back something I haven't given in the first place. You

started, so you apologize.

No, I started so I get to say who apologizes first.

That's the proper way to do it. Are you saying that I'm improper?

Before you apologize to my client, you apologize to me first. Not until you

apologize to me first.

Right.

Oh, Mom, can't you stop me? Of course I can. Hey, you Marx brothers, keep that

up if you don't want any dinner.

That's better.

Not so difficult to sort out a squabble if you want to, is it?

Mom, what is for dinner?

Now you are going to track me in this dolly.

It's a trolley, Lee.

It's a technical term, Louise, so I can pan with my camera.

This is going to be brilliant, this.

OK, Matt.

Ready when you are, spiky baby.

Do you know what I said, Tom?

Action!

You're hurting yourself if you don't shut up. Don't you dare.

He didn't do it for you, did he? I've got him. It's all right. It's going to

brilliant.

Geronimo!

That's not funny, Matthew.

for a close -up.