Original subtitles

From the long hot night with an ocean breeze to the damp and to the rain of

London City.

We come from the sun to live in the cold and make me rum, I want my coconut

tree.

Let's keep the music sweet, wind up your waist and feel the heat.

When I promise to decorate the church for the christening tomorrow, I didn't

realize Sinja wanted flowers from wall to wall. I'm going to need some help.

Well, I hope the baby doesn't suffer from hay fever.

I do.

Ah, shit!

Sinja, you mentioned the word help.

Dad, I'm going to need some money.

You want money?

You sleep up.

You going to help me?

Shirley, I don't mind helping with the labels, but I draw the line when it

to christenings after what happened to me at mine.

I know I'm going to regret this, but what happened at yours?

My parents thought so much of me, they decided to name me after famous generals

and emperors.

Augustus, Napoleon, Cleveland Grant.

But that vicar was an ignorant man.

He never read a history book in his life, and he christened me Augustus

Neapolitan.

in the history of the Caribbean to be named after an ice cream.

So that means you ain't gonna help me?

Nope.

Did anything traumatic happen at my christening, Mum? Oh, no, no.

You were so good.

Big brown eyes, smiling up at your vicar.

I even got the little lace dress that you wore.

And the little lace bonnet.

Yeah, well, I think I'll go down to the gym. Pump some iron. You know what I

mean?

Sir Desmond, what about you?

Don't look at me. I don't know anything about flowers. I'm not a florist. You

don't know anything about hair, but you're still a barber.

What do you know about barbering? When last you had your hair cut? You dare not

take off your hat in case the breeze blew away what lip you had?

I wouldn't be so loose with that tongue of yours if I was you.

You're starting to wear thin on top yourself.

What?

Shirley,

come and look at the head.

Let me see.

Thank you, Desmond.

All evening.

We nearly finish yet?

Right.

Isn't it pretty?

You remember all those years ago when you and I stood arm in arm like this in

front of the altar?

Yes. Your father was scolding at me as if he was having second thoughts about

Marianus. I think I was the one having second thoughts.

I was so scared.

Who were you scared of?

Oh, a million and one thoughts flashed through my mind.

You know how sometimes you go towards a closed door and you put your hand out to

open it because there's something really important on the other side that you

want? Yes, and then you hesitate for a moment before you turn the hand.

That's right.

You know what I'm trying to say? Of course. You women are the only people

get butterflies in your tummy.

I was scared too.

Frightened to death, in fact.

I suddenly started wondering if love was like a ball of string that one day

you'd get to the end of it.

But we tie the ends together.

You know love was not, eh?

So happy me out wasn't all that bad, was it?

No. But this is better.

Thank you.

That's only rubbish.

Mrs. Ambrose, I was wondering if you would mind helping Linda with the Sunday

school this week. What a trifle start.

Oh, I can't see why not.

Oh, we Ambroses like to help, don't we, Desmond?

Oh, yes, yes.

We're not doing anything important on Sunday, are we? Well, you're not. I am.

You're not going to give Popeye and Mathieu a lesson in the art of domino

Excuse me.

Hello?

Why you have to tell the vicar you're playing dummy knows on Sunday?

Right.

You think he'd want to draw, huh?

Rubbish.

attention to me.

But you said I had to read about the game before Sunday.

No, Ma, no.

I said you have to learn to read the game.

And you can only do that by playing it.

Feel the pieces.

They come alive in your hand. They talk to you.

I'm coming, I'm coming.

You're wasting your breath. The only learning, Matthew, understand is book

learning. You don't have the same animal instincts like we do.

But if I were you, Desmond, there's an old African saying.

A tiger has seven whiskers, but where do you stand to count them?

Look about it.

You can't frighten me.

starting? After lunch tomorrow, me, you can't play down me nose on an empty

stomach. Well, no. A table would be better.

Yes, a table would be better.

One thing I've grown to love in this country is this traditional Sunday

The gathering of family and best love friends around the table. Ah, the subtle

aroma of the sizzling side of bees.

You bust a blood vessel. I was going to invite you to lunch.

I just have to hurry back from Sunday school.

Ah, yes, the Sunday school teacher.

I used to hate Sunday school.

I had to polish my shoes, put on my long trousers, and my mother used to look in

my ear at least a dozen times before I left the house.

I wonder what she was looking for.

Brains.

I hope they surface before tomorrow.

What if they still sing the same hymns that we used to? Of course. Things like

that never change.

things bright and beautiful.

All creatures great and small.

We were staying here at the church.

Oh, no.

Most Sundays we have a trip arranged.

It was Linda's idea to take them to Crystal Palace, but she phoned a few

ago to say that she couldn't make it because the mother is ill.

So if you'd rather not, I'm... Oh, Crystal Palace.

I'll have to phone and let Desmond know I'll be home later than I thought. Of

course.

Do an 071, then the number, then send.

Thank you.

As there are only six of them...

I think this should cover the expenses.

Thanks.

One, two, three, four... Desmond?

Yes? We're going on a Sunday school outing.

Yay!

Miss, miss, where are we going?

Soon, soon, soon.

Crystal Palace.

Crystal Palace!

Crystal Palace!

Calm down, please.

I want you all, if you can, to be on your best behaviour for Mrs...

Ambrose.

Ambrose, yeah? Let's call her Miss Rice Pudding.

Miss Rice Pudding!

Miss Rice Pudding! Excuse me, Miss Rice.

I mean, Mrs. Ambrose, the service is about to start. I really must be going.

But you've got to peel them first.

Sean will show you how.

About three o 'clock?

Yes. Bye.

Bye. Oh, bless you.

Thank you.

Uh -uh.

That's it for your lunch.

so you will eat it at lunchtime. Right, everyone, in two.

Come on, come on, otherwise we'll never get to Crystal Palace. You do want to

go, don't you?

Nah. That is a shame, because you're going anyway. Come on.

Off you go.

Me? Yes, yes. Wait, wait, stop. What is it? Guess what? Wayne's round the corner

having a cigarette.

Shall we just leave him, miss?

Having a cigarette?

What corner? Over there.

Right.

Wait here.

Wait.

I don't think it's a good idea for you to smoke.

Why not? I do it all the time. Well, you're not going to do it today.

Who's going to stop me?

No one.

You are going to stop of your own accord because we're not going anywhere until

you do. Okay.

them to me.

Everyone in twos. Off we go.

In twos.

What are you missing?

Who is it?

Armani! Oh, he's in the toilet with us.

There's the maid.

You hot enough for any?

Oh, wait, wait, wait. You in Camberwell Cemetery?

I thought you were supposed to be at Crystal Palace.

Not much of an outing for the children in a cemetery.

Not much life there.

Desmond, look, I've lost one of the children. I started out with six and now

I've only got five.

You said to start at gas, mark five and turn it up to six.

I know to pick potatoes, you know. I'm not talking about potatoes. I'm

talking...

stupid. I lost him.

How come you never lose any of ours, Sheila?

I don't know. So what do you want me to do?

I'm going to go back to the bus station and I want you to meet me there so you

can take care of the other kids.

How will I recognize you?

Just get there, please, and hurry up.

Stay where you are.

What? Hurry up.

I'm hurrying, I'm hurrying.

All right.

Everything will be all right as long as we don't...

Sorry, Dad, she'll find a nose sweat.

Check it, you never managed to hide from her for very long, have you, Dad?

Precisely. Come with me. Let's go.

Oh, hang on. What? The match. Uncle Porkpie and Matthew will be here in a

minute. Oh, um, match postponed due to unforeseen circumstances.

Leave a note on the door. Oh, you're pretty cool in an emergency, Dad. Well,

an Ambrose. We're known for our calmness throughout the whole...

to remember is that you only make a bad situation worse by panicking.

Right.

Um... Um... It's next to the cornflakes, sir.

I'm going to have to take the kids back to the shop with you.

I'm going to phone to Vicar. He must be halfway across London by now. Why won't

he? He'll be in church.

I mean, when?

I mean, the Vicar you can't phone him. He'll be in church.

He'll have his mobile.

What's this world coming to when Vicar's got phones?

Sorry,

sorry.

Listen, children.

You'll have to go back to the barber shop with Mr.

Ambrose.

Let's form an order.

invited to a person's home for lunch or dinner, you don't turn up too early.

And if you knew Shirley's cooking like I do, you would be camping outside the

shop from last night.

I'm out watering already.

I'm coming.

What's this?

The feeding of the 5 ,000?

There's one missing.

It's all right, Simone.

Here he comes.

Right. I'll tell you what we'll do, Mrs. Ambrose.

I'll shorten the service, and as soon as you get here, we'll take my car and go

looking for him.

Last verse.

Chop, chop.

OK,

OK, OK.

Jeez, now I get the picture.

So what are we supposed to do with you lot then?

Tie them up.

Well, I suppose you all want lunch. Yay!

What is it?

Chicken. Yay!

I don't like chicken.

I don't think I lived in lunch.

I tell you what, children, why don't you all come over here and... watch your

uncle Matthew and me play dominoes? No, we want to play hairdressers. No, you

mustn't. Come here, you.

Are you going to behave?

No.

Hasta la vista, baby.

How are you? Come here.

I'll be back.

Do you know what we do with bad boys in Africa?

No. Well, we make them stand...

I must not be naughty.

You must not be naughty.

Well, just stop that. Boy, look, I better catch my breath and then I'm

charge the things.

Dad, sit down before you fall down, lad.

I want to go to the toilet.

You children pretend to give your uncle Popeye a haircut.

They'll have to pretend.

You don't have any hair.

OK, I'm the barber.

Look, Dad, look.

Dad, I think I'm going to look upstairs and panic about the lunch, OK? Just make

sure they don't kill each other. Each other?

No, I don't have to wash my hands because I didn't go to the toilet.

But you have to wash your hands before lunch.

Yes, I will.

Don't worry, I'll help you.

Matthew.

But Desmond, the wretched boy says he's tired.

A boy, miss.

Look, look. Get over here. At once.

I suppose you think you're funny.

I was only having a laugh.

You see me laughing?

I can't even take a joke. Now, you hear me, and hear me good.

You are the most selfish child I have ever met. You ruined the tryptocrystal

salad. I was worried sick not knowing what had happened to you.

And now my husband is having to look after all the other children while I

out looking for you.

You obviously did this because you wanted more attention from me. Well, now

you've got it.

You won't understand.

Try me.

I might.

Forget it. Sorry.

Right? If you were one of mine... You're just like my gran. It's not my fault if

you can't take a joke.

Fine. Well, you carry on with your fun and jokes. Do exactly as you please.

I'm going to see the vicar, and then I'm going back to the shop. Goodbye.

I said I'm sorry.

Right. Tell me about your grin.

Those turrets were slow, man. Whisk it.

Look, Dad, I do know what I'm doing, you know.

Let me grip.

I don't want lumps in my gravy.

Dad, what makes you think it's going to have lumps in it?

It's too thin.

It should be so thick you could slice it. Dad!

Desmond, it's best to let a man make his own gravy. I should know I'm a gravy

connoisseur.

Continue destroying my sorbets and let me educate my son. Give me the spoon.

Gravy was the cause of my downfall.

Pork pie, is there a story attached to this by any chance?

It was the very night I was going to ask my wife to marry me.

I cooked her this lovely meal, all her favorite things.

Okra, sweet potato, yam, roast chicken, beans. What about the gravy?

I come into that, man.

When she tasted my gravy, she asked me to marry her.

Estimate the power of gravy.

We're finished.

We're ready.

All right, all right. In a line, in a line, in a line. Let me see your hands.

Check.

Check.

Thank you, Uncle Desmond. And I tidied the bathroom as well.

Congratulations. Sit down.

All right, nearly ready now. Good. I'm starving.

Well, if I may say so, that chicken is not going to go very far.

That's right. It's dead.

as my stomach?

That's fine with me.

Well, you have to, because it's all we've got, Uncle Porkpie.

Got enough for three more?

Hardly. Charlie, you found it? Yes, I wasn't far away.

Sit down and shut up!

Yes, I'll tell you all about it later. Vicar, we'll just take a lunch.

Oh, I don't know if I should, Mrs. Ambrose.

There doesn't seem enough to go round.

It's the least we can do.

Well, I'll tell you what.

You know the story of the loaves and fishes?

Yes. You can't do that, can you?

But I know a man who...