Original subtitles

From the long, warm night with an ocean breeze to the damp and to the rain of

London 15.

We come from the sun to live in the cold. I miss Mirama. What my coconut

Let's keep the music sweet. Why not be aware some feeling.

You see, Popeye, when I was... What I

was... Lemon stopwatch.

Where was I?

You were talking about the brain drain.

I think that's what you got, isn't it, Duster? No. What I got is a riser.

What is it? Oh, it's private.

My relatives have sent me a shopping list of things I must buy for my money.

They must think my middle name is Harold.

Oi, that's my middle name. I'll sort it out for you, Matt. We've a decent price

for owning for free. What have you got there?

Well, my Auntie Janet wants a video.

Cousin Benjamin, a ghetto blaster, fridge freezer and washing machine.

Uncle Albert, 200 long -lasting batteries, a toaster and thick -cut

from Fort Hammond Masons.

My nephew wants a radio for his...

Kerr and, uh... Curly toy, curly toy.

He was furry dice.

Furry dice?

Furry dice? Furry dice?

What has happened to Africans?

Have they gone mad?

I could have told you that.

We didn't need washing machines.

No, when we were young, washing machines were called mothers.

Our traditional culture has been abandoned for wasting goods and the lure

dollar. Everything has a price tag.

Yep, and this lot will cost you 2 ,500, but to you, 2 ,499. Done, result.

Hey, wait a minute.

Oh, look, I'll tell you what. Here, Des, give me that.

Look, I'm cutting my own throat with this price.

Two -two, no less, lovely.

And a company tie for me.

Oh, Cedric, did I put some foam on your face?

Yes, you did.

You've been waiting so long, it's evaporated.

Right.

We've talked about African traditions. Now it's time to talk about business

traditions. What are you doing here, anyway?

Haven't you got a bunk to go to? I told you, Father, I've taken three days off.

I saw the auditors yesterday, and quite frankly, we're stagnant.

Does that mean you're green and smelly?

No, it means I'd like a director's meeting in the boardroom as soon as

Boardroom? Kitchen?

Well, instead of being bored in the kitchen, I'd much rather discuss this

down here with my friend. Yammer!

Here? Yes.

It's a West Indian tradition that a barbershop is an open forum for

Okay. So, how do you propose to improve things, Michael?

Right.

Structural efficiency.

Sign indication. Monthly ratio graph.

Micro -business management.

And a plan which would lead on to a...

macro overview. Well, it's interesting that you mention this, Michael, because

just put together a similar plan.

You did?

Yes. We did this in college.

My project was on a small farming business which specialized in pigs.

Did you find a lot in common?

Michael, what does all this gibberish mean?

Well, whatever it is, I disagree.

Well, it's quite simple, Shirley.

It's an Americanism.

Lean business equals mean business. I told you I'd listen.

So what are the flabby parts that you want to cut off? Me.

Well, for a start, I think we need to institute a proper appointments book so

that we can program each customer into a time.

That way we get new customers, obviously we'll increase our profits.

This shop is not about profits, Michael, it's about tradition.

In Desmond's, you get more than a haircut.

In Desmond's, you eventually get a haircut.

But we've been open two hours, and in that time, we've had two customers.

Poor pie Matthew and Lee have had five cups of tea, three slices of toast, and

Cedric's had shaving foam fling -punning fierce.

You agree with him, Cedric?

Yes. You think I should take less time on each customer?

Ah, yes.

Good. Your time is out. Get out of here.

That's not the idea, Father.

Then what's the idea? Look, if you can push this shop into a fast -forward mode

and earn an additional £100 this week, I will double it. What do you say?

Am I hearing this right?

If I was to make an additional £100, he's going to give me £100? Sounds

suspicious to me.

Sounds delicious to me.

Get ready for the fast -forward shave.

I'm sorry, Gloria. It was a lot better yesterday.

Yeah, Gloria, it was kicking.

I mean, it was great.

Well, don't apologise.

That ain't your fault. We all know who the problem was.

What's happening, Sean?

All right, let's have a look later on here.

You happened, Spider.

Why did you come?

That's a silly question, isn't it, Sean?

Yeah, it's obvious you're not interested in history.

Sean, history's about yesterday, man. These girls are about today. You know

I'm saying?

Yeah.

Yeah, but we came... here for an oral history lesson.

Instead all we got was an oral slangy match between you and Mrs. McKenzie.

How do you expect me to take this thing seriously when you have a woman teaching

African oral history and she's Scottish?

Speaking of hearts.

Hi,

Gloria. Remember me?

How can I forget you? I have this effect on women.

Yeah, like a two -fake.

Something from the pleasurable.

Like? Heartache.

Hello. What's your name?

Louise. So, er, you've come to check out the African experience?

Yeah. You're looking at him.

Come on, Louise.

Don't worry, Claude. I can handle him. He's only a boy.

Which bits of me would you like to handle, then, Louise?

Oh, you're frozen.

Great.

You realise we have to find a Mimpeach in our spider?

I'll do it. Don't be stupid.

It's got to be somebody who knows something about the subject.

Preferably somebody not from Scotland.

Someone from the campy house.

What a great idea.

Where's that?

Mother, yours is in five.

Next, number 25.

I'm working as fast as I can, Michael. Next, 26.

This whole thing is alien to West Indian culture.

I agree.

Enlighten me.

And in the Caribbean, things don't necessarily go by time.

If you have an appointment to meet somebody at 2 o 'clock, that usually

o 'clock.

If you want to meet somebody at 5, why don't you just say 5?

Because then they'll turn up at 8.

It's the same in the Gambia.

We call it GMT.

GMT? Gambia maybe time.

So you mean to say, in the Caribbean, everything runs three hours late? Well,

that explains a lot.

No, in the Caribbean, things do run on time, but in their own time, there's not

all this rushing about.

The only reason people rush about over here is to keep warm.

Next, number 28.

But not for long.

I'm fed up with your son's rudeness, Desmond Ambrose.

Come on, Matthew, I'm going.

Where to?

I don't have anywhere to go.

Right, Matt, I've got you the video, the toaster, the ghetto blaster.

Chas says he'll sort you out with that marmalade next week. Mark, it's a bit

dicey at the moment.

Speaking of which, because you're such a good customer, mate, I've got you a

gross of these.

What on earth do you think you're doing?

This shop is for people who have appointments to have their hair cut. If

want to conduct your business, please take it back out on the streets where

belong.

Listen, Michael, we was born in the same country and we went to the same school,

right? Well, I went when it was still a grammar school. You came along when it

became a comprehensive.

Just answer the question, yes or no? Yes.

We share the same common history and I still don't know where you're coming

from.

Well... It's quite simple, really. You see, I work in a bank, you work in a

store.

Bye.

Oi,

you know you need an appointment to come in here, didn't you?

What's this?

Oh, this is a fast -forward way to take money from Michael.

What are you, the Peckham tribe?

Yo, what's happening, people?

I think they look very smart.

Thank you, brother.

Brother? Well, yeah, we're all African descendants, so it's like we're all

brothers and sisters.

If Matthew's my brother, I better put myself up for adoption.

Don't you think you're taking this, um, African thing a bit far?

What do you mean, African thing? Yeah.

Oh, don't waste your breath on him, Sean. He's too bourgeois to check where

coming from.

Matthew knows where he's coming from, don't you, Matthew?

I do?

Yeah, man, Africa.

Mother.

Next. You see, today, Matthew, we went to an oral history lecture. Yeah, and we

was robbed of a very valuable class by the resignation of our teacher.

So I'm a robber now? Sold as a vacancy. We thought you might be interested in

it. Well, I must say, I could do with the money to pay for my relative's

excessive demands.

Have you ever thought before?

No, but I could give it a try.

Oh, so what does oral history consist of?

Next.

Storytelling. Stories which encapsulate generations of wisdom.

You mean they pay you to tell stories?

I can tell better stories than Matthew.

I don't think so, Popeye. You see, West Indians only have the stories we

Africans have handed down to them.

Handed down? Damn cheek!

I mean, I could tell a better story than any African. And I can tell better

stories than any Desmond.

Oh, no, you can't, Popeye. You have to get things the wrong way wrong.

I do not. Very well.

I'll challenge you. You won? I like it.

I'm going to have a storytelling contest right here in this shop. Here?

Yes.

What better place?

Michael? Yes, Daddy?

Look around you.

What do you see?

Nothing. That's it.

Your efficiency has been so efficient, we don't have any more customers.

Don't worry, we will have.

Yeah, and if the last few days are anything to go by, we finish all our

customers by one o 'clock. Then there's a little trickle round about five, which

means we spend most of the day twiddling our thumbs.

I can hardly move, much less twiddle me thumbs.

I haven't seen any of our regulars for days.

If you're talking about Pork Pie Matthew and Lee, they never pay to have their

hair cut.

They're still our regulars, and they don't bore me as much as you do. Father,

this is business. No one said we had to like each other. We just have to like

the sound.

Of the tills ringing.

It's not about tills ringing. It's about friendship.

There are no friends in business, Father. Everybody's out for themselves.

It's about the quality of life.

Ever since I was a little boy back in Guyana... A naughty little boy. A

little boy.

Back in Guyana, I've always known there was something special about our culture.

What connection has that got with me?

I'm a Londoner. I have to compete on modern terms with the people around me.

It's a rat race out there.

And you're the rat.

Michael, you may be today's man, computer literate and all that.

That's fine.

But your origins are West Indian and African.

A great, proud history all distilled into you. If you deny your origin, then

lose part of your richness as a person.

I mean, you're like a Beaujolais nouveau, whereas you could be a nice

claret.

Like a shallow boat that could get blown over in a storm.

Like a guitar with one string with no chords sung in.

Some people said to black kids today, in spite of your origins, you can do

anything. But we say because of your origins, you can do everything.

Yes.

Michael, you're a product of your heritage, whether you like it or not.

So recognize it and stop trying so hard to fight it.

Money, isn't it?

This is it. I

wonder

what story Matthew will tell.

I'm really excited about it.

Oh, I know. I could spin it for me. You know what I'm saying, Louise?

After all, we were born with an African tradition.

Yeah, so?

So, I could show you a few traditional moves. Know what I mean?

Yeah, I know what you mean, Spider, and I don't want to move anywhere.

Yeah, and your arm can go back to the roots where it belongs.

Yeah. Don't worry, Glor, I can take care of him. Oh, I hope so.

So, have you ever tried to trace back your ancestry?

Yeah.

We're called the downtrodden tribe.

That's where my roots are.

What, really?

Yeah.

We were so downtrodden, I can still feel the footprint, you know what I'm

saying?

It's right here, on my heart.

If you stroke it, it might just ease the burden.

All right, then. A little cuddle.

They say a cuddle relieves tension.

What do you say?

Well... Go on. Just one. You know you want to.

And it won't only ease my condition.

It'll also ease your guilt of being one of the oppressors.

Oh! You mean our ancestors were responsible for slavery and stuff?

Yeah. Relief for me.

Release me.

You've got just one.

Well, how many does it take?

All right, then.

Ross!

Look, it's sure not you're going to do something about your friend.

Gloria, it's not what it looks like. He was just trying to get rid of a bit of

historical tension.

If the tension is where I think it is, it definitely adds to it.

What's wrong with you, Spider -Man? Every time you come in, you give people

grief. Not you at all. I thought you'd understand, being a man.

But then again, you're only a boy.

Joe! Who are you calling a boy? It was just a figure of speech.

Yeah? Well, you seem to figure in every speech around here. So just button it,

because I'm fed up with you running off your mouth.

Easy, bro. I'm not your bro.

Yeah, but we're all descendants.

Yeah? Well, the only descendant you're going to be doing is down those stairs.

So just sit down and rest yourself.

What's this, a wake or something? Somebody died?

Yes, the shop.

Really nice to hear. Sit down, the usual place.

I don't know, Des.

The usual place looks a bit busier than me. I think I'll just stand and mingle

with the crowd, you know.

Oh, look,

another gatecrasher. You sure you've got a license to hold all these people,

then? Give it a break, eh, Lee? It's you, Michael, that should be giving us a

break. That's right.

Sit down, no man. Dress down, surely. Dress down.

Yeah. So you want me to stay now, huh?

When you wanted me to go, I didn't have anywhere.

Now I have somewhere you want me to stay.

So what do you mean?

Fat Larrys. Fat Larrys? Yeah, man.

Break my cup. You know I hate Fat Larrys. Yeah, man.

Fat Larrys, they're hairdressers on Tumut Road?

Yes. The Greek Cypriots.

You see, the Greek Cypriot men...

They understand tradition as well.

Fat Larry serves tea. Yep, and toast.

You as well.

We wasn't getting much joy here, was we?

Vince and Bert were there.

Percy. And Cyril. Rome was there. And Leroy. All right, all right.

Fat Larry knows how to run his place.

Anyway, I didn't come here to talk to you.

I came to beat Matthew's African backside with a Guyanese story.

So what story are you going to tell him? The Guitar Man.

I thought it was called the banjo man. Oh, banjo, guitar, violin.

It's a story, same difference.

You didn't tell the story, Mr. Brown.

Yes, Louise, a great guy and he's wrong.

Excuse me, shouldn't you be doing this upstairs?

Oh, shut up, my girl. You might learn something.

Tell him, pork pie.

If you remember, it started with a man walking past a stream when he sights

beautiful woman.

No, no, no, it doesn't start like that. It does.

No. That's when the man finds a guitar by the side of the road.

No, he found it in the gutter. Gutter?

Yes. Will he ever get a story right?

Yes, he found it in the gutter, took it home and dried it. Now, the guitar had

become warped by the water in the gutter. But when he strummed it, it gave

most magical sound to those who chose to hear it.

To the others, it made an awful sound.

And that... When he went past the woman by the stream.

It's not that he became a wandering guitarist, but nobody wanted to hear him

play, so they drove him out of every village.

And that is when he walked by this woman near the stream.

That's what I said. He walks past the stream and saw this woman.

She had a hideous face.

I thought you said she had a beautiful face. That's right. She had a beautiful

face.

You know this story better than me.

No.

He saw this woman with a beautiful face.

Who was hideous because somebody had cast a spell on her? No, no, no. It was

wicked mother because she wouldn't obey her.

No, it was because she was more beautiful than the wicked stepmother.

Anyway,

he felt so sorry for her, he played her a tune.

She couldn't look at him because she felt so ugly.

But when the tune was over and she saw her reflection in the water...

She was transformed into the beautiful woman that she once was, and they lived

happily ever after.

Balanchine, anyone?

That's a great guy and his story.

I have come here today to be the linguist, the orator, the ambassador,

prominent courtier.

Hicking in that robe.

I mean, you look great.

Me know.

Anyway, Matthew, what about your story?

Yeah, yeah. Well, well, well. For an African story, we need to create an

atmosphere. First of all, I would like you all to be seated on the floor at my

feet. I'm not sitting at your feet.

Sit!

Sit, Michael.

I dedicate this fair story to Michael.

This is the story which the young women of our village were warned about.

A young girl had come of age, and now her father wanted a suitor.

Many men approached him for her hand in marriage.

How many men? They must have been soft, because if it was me, she'd have no

problem. Spider.

But no man was handsome enough, not even a spider.

Then one day, she went to the market, and she saw a handsome stranger.

She couldn't take her eyes off this man, so she decided to go and see where he

lived. The girl's got sense.

You are only a spider, whereas this is a cobra.

Think about it.

As I said, she couldn't take her eyes off him. She follows him to a beautiful

place, a paradise. It was like heaven.

They become lovers in this paradise.

But while she sleeps...

Her handsome lover turns into an ogre and devours her.

The moral of the story is... Brush your teeth after you've eaten.

All that glitters is not gold.

Eh, Michael?

Oh, Matthew, those stories were wonderful.

You've really gone up in my estimation.

Not in mine.

I'm not the one about the talking eye, you know.

Ah, ah, so did I.

It reminded me of Michael.

Where is he?

Still calculating the money to see if he owes us £100.

He's probably trying to figure out your money pops.

Sure.

I know that smile.

What does it mean?

Well, due to efficient... Oh, get on with it, boy.

You've won.

The shop has made an extra £100.

And, true to my word, here's the £100 I owe you.

But would you say, Father, that now the shop has made an extra £200?

Yes. And would you also say that I'm a partner in the business?

Yes.

What are you doing?

It's my percentage of the profits. It's a little tradition of mine.