Original subtitles

From the long hot night with an ocean breeze to the damp and to the rain of

London City.

We come from the sun to live in the cold. I miss Nirav, I watch my coconut

Let's keep the music sweet, wind up your ways and feel the English

muscle car.

Sean!

Sean, I know you're in there.

You're the only person that brushes his teeth to a rap rhythm.

Boy, this is your last chance or I won't be responsible for the consequences.

Just one damn blow, you're making enough noise to wake the dead.

And if I did, they'd probably get in the bathroom before me.

Don't put your toes under the grill, huh?

You can have your breakfast on the landing.

I don't want my toast under the grill. I want my head under the shower. Every

morning is the same.

Pops over there did the toilet training when they was young.

Shirley was right. I have woken the dead.

The dead's growing his cool because I'm taking a shower. You should take five

minutes, not half an hour.

It's pretty good for eight in the morning, Pops.

I can't be dead. What's the time?

I don't know. I've been standing here so long I've lost track.

Shirley, what is the time?

This is your father speaking.

Turn off the taps.

Stop using my hot water.

Girl, open this door.

Surely your daughter's stolen my towel.

If I'm not brushing my teeth in 30...

Of course I understand, Stacey. No problem. So, what have you done with

spare room? Oh, excuse me.

A nursery.

Congratulations, I didn't know.

Nice one.

OK, yeah.

See you down at the squash club in a few months, then.

Ciao.

Damn. I don't believe it. The decorators are arriving in three hours' time.

They're going to turn my flat into a building site and I've got nowhere to

for the next four days.

Well, there's always a spare bed at my flat, isn't there? Ah, I think it's

important that we keep our relationship strictly professional, don't you, Mandy?

After all, we wouldn't want tongues wagging. Suit yourself.

Mr. Parker's a lot closer to understand straight away.

Look, here, try that top number, would you?

You seem to know a lot from women, sir.

That's the thing about my private life, Mandy. Oh, what's that?

It's private.

No reply.

Well, don't just give up. Try that one.

I think I had nothing better to do. My filing tray is positively groaning.

It's an answering machine.

Evangeline's not at home right now.

All right, all right. What does someone called Evangeline look like? Mind your

own business, Mandy. Just dial the next number, please.

What, this one, sir? Yes, yes, yes.

Do you think so, sir?

Hello, I have a call for you from Mr Michael Ambrose.

Hi, it's Michael. Listen, I'm having my flat redecorated and I wondered if you

wouldn't mind putting me up for a few days.

Mum?

Yes, Mum, the decorator's arriving this evening and you'd love to have me.

But thinking about it realistically, I wouldn't want to put you to... It's no

trouble.

Yes, you're the first person I call.

Yes, I know we don't see enough of each other.

OK, see you around eight. Can't wait. Bye, Mum.

Mandy!

Keep your head still, Naman.

Kids today have no respect for their elders.

Things were different when I was a child.

Yes, but children knew their place in Victorian times, Popeye.

It is more than you do. Why don't you keep still? What's wrong with you?

There's a lamp on the bench where I'm sitting.

It's very uncomfortable.

I think it needs stuffing.

That's not the only thing.

is that a man needs his face to breathe.

To strut his stuff and leave it out. I

totally concur.

Human beings need clearly defined areas of territory.

These are necessary to create self -awareness and essential for the

self -esteem, psychological balance, and well -being.

That's African for strutting your stuff.

Personally, I settle to be able to brush my teeth.

And I settle for him speaking plain English.

And getting out of my seat.

Ouch! I want you 100 % on that one, Dave. You know, a cramped style is no

at all.

Like the truest word you ever spoke, Tony. My style is so cramped I have

to move my stuff, much less strut it. But where can you build your house back

home? You can have a whole room to yourself. Just think of it.

Privacy. I can see it now.

Sign above the door, big letters, Desmond's Den. Come out.

No entrance without the permission of Desmond Ambrose Esquire. Except for your

best friend, Augustus Neapolitan Cleveland Grant.

Or Popeye, for short.

Who is always welcome.

This will have to be a very big sign.

Why don't you just try no scroungers?

Or no students?

Passwords only a best mate can get in. Like open sesame.

Open says Desmo, like. No, not three times and ask for Jazzy D.

I like it, I like it. Right, that's security, sir.

Now, what are you going to have in there, Ted?

A well -stocked bar.

The best drums that money can buy.

A fine library of books. Ah, another bar, just in case the first one run out.

A bench with no lamp in it. And a really neat sound system, Dave. A 36 -inch

colour TV with a satellite dish so we can watch the races.

All of you gentlemen through the French windows onto my private veranda

overlooking the sea.

My custom -made domino table lies in the shade.

Palm trees sway.

Beside the biggest bucket of rum punch you've ever seen.

This is racy stuff, mate.

And in the evening I lie in my hammock.

watching the sun go down, blowing my trumpet as long and as loud as I like.

I've never known you have trouble blowing your own trumpet, Desmond

And after a few rums, I'd like to see you trying to get into a hammock.

Remember that time at Auntie Nora's, when you tried getting into one after a

nightcaps too many? All right, all right. What a mess.

You look like a big fish caught in a net.

to cut him off?

You see, there isn't even room around here for a man to dream.

Well, a little dream of mine just came true.

What, we went to the pool?

Better than that.

Michael's coming home to stay for a few days. Who? What? Well, you said a dream,

surely not a nightmare.

We're going to put him on a hook behind the door.

That's the only place you have room to fit.

We'll discuss that this evening when everybody's here. There is the time

-honored tradition of consulting the head of the household on these matters.

Oh? Who might that be? Well, obviously the oldest and wisest in the family.

Me.

Oldest, yes.

I think that's when it's right, Shirley. The order of this world depends on the

proper establishment of rank. As we say in Africa, if the tiger is standing, the

mouse can't take a pew.

Move over, mouse.

Ouch. But he's right, Shirley.

I mean, back home in your house, it was your father that ruled the roost.

My father took his instructions from God when he was in the pulpit and from my

mother when he was at home.

This is not a matter for your debate in society.

Sorry, sir.

So, you object to having your son to stay?

Well, not exactly.

Well, who will be doing the extra shopping?

I didn't say... Will you be doing the extra cooking and tidying up? No, but...

Exactly. So shut your mouth and give the man a shave.

beard is longer now than when he came in.

Don't you nod your head at me.

I'm armed and dangerous.

He was

not trying to kiss me, if you must know. He was trying to take something out of

my eye. Sure, sis, with his lips.

She's got a mind like a clue -up. Look who's talking. That guy Steve's got the

pick of every girl in Peckham. Well, he's not going to have the pick of my

daughter. Are you kidding me?

Steve happens to be one of the few good guys around.

That's what I mean. Good at what?

Yes, ma 'am. Aren't you going to say anything about the kind of people your

daughter's associating with?

I have no say in what goes on in my own home. Why should I bother what goes on

outside it?

I was still in a bad mood about this morning. I said I was sorry.

I think I was sleepwalking. What's new about that?

Your father's in one of his childish moods because your brother Michael is

coming to stay a few days. What? You're not serious?

You see what I mean, Shirley? I think we should put this to the vote.

All those in favour of Michael staying somewhere else, raise their hands.

When you two start paying rent around here, then we can start voting.

Don't we have any say?

That's a matter of fact you do.

I should think so too.

You can decide which of you gives up your room for your big brother. What?

Well, it ain't going to be me.

Well, it's definitely not going to be me.

Well, then I suppose it's got to be me.

I'm going to stay by proof. I'm just going back.

Desmond, you don't have a room to give up.

It's got to be Sean because he's the youngest. That's not fair. I'm always

youngest. Why can't Gloria be the youngest for a change?

You can't be stupid.

I'm older than you.

A mere technicality. No, it isn't. Yes, it is. Shut up!

Sean, you'll sleep on the couch. See?

Oh, Mum.

It wasn't Ray's voice that I heard, was it?

Oh, Michael.

You're early.

Hello, Mother.

Hello, everybody.

I think I'd better come back when everybody's in a better mood. Yeah, in

three years.

Make it five.

Yes, Mum.

Gloria.

Maybe this isn't such a good idea after all, Mother. Nonsense.

Sean has just said how pleased he would be if you would take his room.

Sean, that's very decent of you. I wouldn't be putting you out.

Oh, of course not.

Anything getting put out would be my back sleeping on this couch.

Well, it would be.

Small for me.

Small? He couldn't get his head on it.

Right, everything's settled.

Michael, you can put your things in Sean's room.

Hang on.

Does that mean that this will be my room while Michael's staying in mine?

Yes.

Right, then we'd better get the rules sorted out. Rules?

What rules?

Well, for one thing, I don't walk in and out of your bedroom all the time, do I?

So, after ten o 'clock, I don't want anyone in my bedroom without my

Oh, well, that seems fair.

Oh, it is, and the late film starts at ten, and the cricket's on after that.

Well, it so happens that I've got a test first thing in the morning, and I fancy

early night after I've done my revision, in silence, in my room.

Never mind.

You can watch my football.

to look big on this screen, the size of Michael's TV is in direct proportion to

his brain.

What's that?

It's my watch alarm, Father.

Time for one of these.

Well, on the pill then, Michael.

It happens to be a vitamin pill, Gloria. Everything I need's in that one small

capsule. Why don't they make hotel rooms small these days?

Mother, was that coffee decaf?

Oh, no coffee with caffeine. No one ever gets asleep.

Well, you should try cocoa with toenails.

I'm sorry we were unable to provide our usual standard of room service.

Oh, my!

Good Lord, how did I miss that?

Is something the matter, Michael? Yes, the bottom's about to fall out of guilt.

Hi, Angus.

It's Michael.

Michael Ambrose.

Michael Ambrose from the bank.

Listen, I want to move what I've got in gilts into consolidated bonds first

thing in the morning.

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah.

Talking about bottoms falling out.

Would you like to move yours off my leg before I fall out, would you?

Yeah, and instead of moving out of gilts, yeah.

into consolidated bonds. Why don't you move out of here into an hotel?

Oh, stop it, you two.

I think it's lovely and cozy having us all together again like this.

Poor Sean doesn't know what he's missing.

What do you mean you haven't started yet?

It's a one -bedroom flat, Mr Murphy, not Windsor Castle.

Could you at least get started on the bedroom work?

Tell Charlie Mr Ambrose is very anxious to return home as soon as possible and

there'll be ample rewards for their efforts.

Oh, people got eaten here, you know, Michael.

Thank you, Mr Murphy.

Gloria. Anxious to return home, are we? You shouldn't be listening to people's

personal phone calls.

What made you come here to stay and stay with one of your buppy pals?

Naturally, I thought as I don't see enough of Mother, Father, myself and

None of the others would have you, eh?

I'll have you know, Gloria, I have a large circle of loyal friends who'd put

up at the drop of a hat.

Stitch you up more like.

What about Patricia? Why don't you stay with her?

Patricia and I have always had the understanding we do not live together.

Smart girl.

What about your other lady friends then? Little black bot getting a bit thin

these days?

I assure you, Gloria, there are no problems in that department.

What about Big Stephanie?

She looks like she's got plenty of room.

Always, always Evangeline.

Little sister, this was and always will be my first choice.

And where's the first place he thinks to

stay? To the place with the least space in Peckham.

I took you up from half past six this morning to get into my own bathroom.

And when I finally came down to breakfast, I had to wait till Shirley

finished making Michaels.

Well, it didn't take long to pour out his muesli. No, it was a Spanish

that took the time and the three rounds of toast.

Shirley, you must wear yourself out.

Sit down, man.

Put your feet up.

Any chance for another cup of tea?

That would be nice.

Maybe Michael could come and stay by you, Popeye. That's when I would be only

too happy to relieve you of your burden.

But I've got a drip in my ceiling.

There's a great big bulge in the plaster.

It's hanging down and the whole thing can go at any time. Molly, talking of

things that could go at any time. Michael.

Michael.

You've got all the things I left out for you. Your sandwiches and your clean

handkerchief.

By the end of the week, she'll be changing his nappies again.

I'm cooking your favorite for dinner tonight.

Spicy chicken with dumplings.

Delicious.

I'll be home around about eight. I've got a squash match.

What is all this about spicy chicken?

Today's Tuesday. We should be having fish.

Well, you are. Michael's having the chicken. You know you can't stand fish

bones. Sounds like it's Michael getting the dark treatment around here, then.

This is only fitting.

In my family back home, when the elder son returns like the prodigal son, we

celebrate in a big way.

What? Roast a fatty calf or something?

Yes. It's a cause for much rejoicing and happiness.

Except for the fatty calf.

We'd have a party, and all the neighbourhood would attend.

Oh, you've got the spicy chicken, Des. Now all I need is the rest of Peckham to

show up. All I need for you is to shut up and to cut that man's hair.

Then why don't you put up my cut for a few days and the two of you can

together?

Well, unfortunately, as you know, I have only one bathroom and I'm not prepared

to share it. And I'm not prepared to share my part of the bench.

You Africans, you've got the largest continent in the world to sit around in

you have to come all the way to Peckham to steal my seat.

So much for a man having his own space.

Soon I'll be sleeping in the barber's chair. It's the only place I can find

space around here anymore.

Come on, my man.

Who you coming on, my man?

Cheers. Oh, Gloria.

Michael's forgotten his sandwiches.

Pop them into the bathroom.

Oh, Mum, do I have to?

Do as your mother says, Gloria. You don't want Michael fading away from lack

food now, do you? What, Michael? The man manning?

Fat chance.

So,

how are things going at home?

Very well indeed, Mandy.

You wouldn't believe how close our family is. Oh, I always thought things

bit strained.

Not at all.

Sean, for instance, even offered to give up his room for me.

And Gloria?

Well, Gloria and I have always been devoted to each other.

Really? Yes, I have a very special relationship with my family.

Gets better as the years go by.

Oh, listen, you ungrateful buppy pillock. If Mama forgets what the crack

to panner to your whims make your sandwiches, you can at least engage your

in the morning and take them with you. Here, I'll be a choke.

Michael!

Michael!

Sean's going to Gary for a few days and I'm going to stay with Louise.

I was late for school this morning.

Yeah, and I just got to my first tutorial by the skin of me teeth.

Well, we can't have their education being interrupted.

OK.

Just as long as their parents say it's OK.

It's no problem.

See you later.

Well, now you've only got Michael to get in your way.

Michael and I could get in each other's way on a football pitch.

Well, you needn't worry about that any longer. I'm moving back to my flat.

Michael? It's not that I haven't enjoyed staying here, but... These decorators

of mine are only going to finish the job if I'm there to supervise, but I'd

better get back.

Can I give you a hand with anything?

Bus? Taxis?

If you're sure it's for the best. Yes, I'm sure it is.

Thanks for everything.

I'll phone you.

And then there were two.

Do you want some more tea, Desmond?

The last cup isn't cold yet.

Maybe I could bake something.

Why? There's no one to eat it.

In a few years' time, you're going to be like this every night.

They all have to leave home eventually.

You know what they say?

You don't know what you've got until you haven't got it anymore.

We'll be all right as long as we have each other and they come to visit.

Except Michael.

Would you like a game of dominoes? No.

Is it because I beat you last time?

I think I'll pop around and see Beverly.

Shirley, why don't you relax and take it easy?

We haven't had any peace in here for the last week.

I like it that way. And I like it this way.

Dambrose residence.

Desmond Dambrose speaking.

A reverse charge call from Peckham. It could be one of the children. Maybe

something's gone wrong. All right, all right. I'll take the call.

Hello? Desmond, it's me, Pork Pie.

Pork Pie? What's the matter?

You know that drip?

My ceiling caved in. The whole flat is flooded.

Hello? Uh -huh. I wonder if I could sleep in the shop.

Pork Pie, I wouldn't hear of it.

I won't make any noise. I'll even sleep on the bench with the lumpy stuffing.

We can have Sean's room or Gloria's room, or we have a very comfortable

Oh, Desmond, you and Shirley are true friends.

I think nothing of it. We'd love to have you.

Tell him I hope he's hungry.

There's only one thing, Popeye. What's that?

If you go in the bathroom before me in the morning, I'll never speak to you

again.