Original subtitles

From the long hot nights with an ocean breeze to the damp and to the rain of

London city.

We come from the sun to live in the cold. I miss my rum, I want my coconut

Don't touch my soccer.

Do the party go by.

Let's keep the music sweet. Wind up your way some feeling.

Thank you.

You're getting a bit slack with the remaining offspring,

aren't you, Father? I mean, what happened to the old rod of iron? I've

it. Yes, but it don't work on these two.

How do we get a dishwasher?

We've got two already.

Get on with it.

Thanks a lot, Michael.

Michael? Yes, my dear?

You'll get fat.

All the more for you to get hold of, my sweet.

Listen,

father, there's a simple solution to this.

Why don't you learn to drive? Then I wouldn't have to chauffeur you to the

and car every Sunday. You could just borrow the car for the morning.

Oh, that is very generous of you, Michael.

Well, what happens if you and Patricia want to go away for the weekend or

something? Then we take Patricia's car.

Oh? What happens when I want to go away for the weekend?

You'd be carless.

Yes, but if it means I don't have to leap out of bed at seven of a Sunday

morning, it's worth the sacrifice.

Sean, the parents aren't late, folks. You just used the brush.

Didn't you know anything in domestic science, Gloria? If you leave the pants

soak overnight, someone else will do them in the morning.

No chance.

Well, I don't know, Michael.

I'll have to think about it. All you've got to do is to pass your test, Father.

Yes. I don't suppose that anyone could really... Fail the driving test for a

sixth time?

Yes, all right, all right.

Michael, Patricia's glass is empty.

Oh, no, I'm all right, thank you, Shirley.

I think it's better for the patients if I arrive sober tomorrow.

I haven't told you, have I?

They found me a replacement so I can take my holiday at the end of the month.

Oh, I like the sound of that.

I bet you could do with a break.

Have you anything planned?

I'll give it a chance, Mother.

Well, I've got a friend in Tuscany. Oh, I fancy Tuscany.

Michael, you do know I actually plan to go it alone this holiday.

You're joking, of course.

It's no big deal. I'll be back before you can say anything to declare.

Well, great.

Fine.

Hope you have a wonderful time.

Going with anyone I know?

Yes, me.

Good.

Hope you'll be very happy with yourself.

Might have another beer, Father.

Three o 'clock.

Yes, I'll pencil it in. Thank you. Bye.

Oh, thank you, pork pie. That's very kind of you. No, it's not.

I might like a cup of tea as well.

You did, but I managed to ignore it.

Oh, Lee, you're back already? How did it go?

My nerves are shot, Cheryl.

It's only tea.

Here you are, Lee.

Never again. No way. There is no way I'm getting into a car with that husband of

yours ever again.

Was it that bad?

Put it this way, Cheryl. If he's just a bit rusty, it's going to take at least

20 gallons of 3 -in -1 to loosen him up.

Where is he?

Down at the newsagents. I told him it might be a good idea if he bought a copy

of the highway code. Because at the moment, all he knows is look left and

right.

You didn't hit anyone, did you?

No chance. At the speed we was going, the road was clear, Cheryl. I said to

did. It ain't illegal to use the accelerator.

You ain't driving to Earth.

I think we managed a top speed of 25 miles an hour until he noticed there was

other cars around and he slowed down to avoid them.

Ah, Desmond.

Lee has just been telling us about your driving lesson. Oh, yes, I think it went

rather well, don't you, Lee?

He's a very good teacher, you know, surely.

Another four lessons and I'll be ready for my test.

I'd like to book another lesson with you, Lee, if I may.

Friday. I think I might have something on.

A headache?

The flu.

Never mind. It'll give me a chance to study this book. Call me when you're

Yeah, I'll do that.

Listen, I'll check you later, all right?

I'm surprised he's even thinking of giving you any more lessons.

I remember 20 years ago. We don't have to go into that again, do we? What

happened 20 years ago? You see this here?

That's when I lost it.

Mandy, did you read this letter through before you sent it out?

Well, yes, of course, sir. Well, read it again, would you?

And?

Yes, it is a little strongly worded, perhaps. I mean, considering Mr James is

only £35 overdrawn, and the fact that he's been with us for nearly 15 years

has several thousand pounds going through his account every month. If you

all that, why did you send it out, you stupid girl?

Sir, you drafted the letter. I typed it, I brought it back to you, and you

signed it.

But, Mr James...

Well, it didn't seem any ruder than any of the other letters I typed for you on

Monday. They all seem to take a similar tone.

Well, what am I meant to say to Parkinson?

You can say what you want, sir, as long as you don't try and blame me for what

is your mistake.

Mandy.

Lunch is on me.

I fancy Italian, sir.

A mouthy?

Donatello's.

I don't know why I'm apologising to you, Michael.

I don't understand why my taking a holiday alone should upset you so much.

mean, really.

It's no big deal.

I'm about to run off with somebody else the moment I step off the plane.

You have to trust me.

Same way that I trust... That I

trust you.

Hiya.

I'm not disturbing you, am I? Yeah, you are. Well done. I've been waiting for an

interruption all morning.

Tea. Coffee? Lunch? Oh, what's on the menu?

Well, there's tuna pasta salad currently residing in the fridge that's just

moved in next door to half a roast chicken and mum's don't throw it away

The salad sounds nice. It is. I made it.

So how's the survey going?

The what?

Your mum said you were working on a project. Doing a survey of women's

magazines. Oh, yes, that.

Oh, well, yes.

I can understand if it's... a choice between the Norwegian leather industry

in -depth study mode one.

I'd much prefer to read an article on how to rag -row my way to the top.

Oh, you mean Michael?

Michael?

No.

I've come to see your mum. I need my hair trimmed before I go away. I'm a bit

early.

Don't stalk him, then, is he, about you going away?

I wouldn't know, Gloria. I haven't spoken to him since Sunday.

His phone's either engaged or there's no reply.

Why don't you just pop over to the bank? You're bound to catch him there.

That's what I thought.

But on my way over there, I caught him instead buying flowers for his secretary

and sweeping her into an intimate little restaurant.

His secretary?

Maddy? Bit corny, isn't it? What's corny?

Michael's been sighted lunching with his secretary.

Well, I'm sure there's nothing in it, Gloria.

Depends on what restaurant it was.

Italian. Are we all right, then?

Because according to this, Italian is the last place you'd lunch with your

lover. A, because the waiters are likely to join in.

And B, it's difficult to look attractive with a yard of spaghetti hanging out

your mouth.

Do you know, I'm ashamed to admit it, but I actually felt quite a strong pang

jealousy when I saw them together.

Well, what's good for the goose?

Well, you expect Michael to be all understanding about you going off on

alone, yet you're getting jealous over him having lunch with a colleague?

No.

Look, this is one of the problems I have with Michael.

His idea of independence is that we have an open relationship, meaning that he's

free to run around as much as he likes, and I have to remain entirely free for

him. Well, you know what he's like. Yeah, a complete tart.

Stop it, Mum. Stop defending him. I remember them Saturday nights you spent

consoling the Melodies, the Christies and the Sophies over the phone. Or on

very sofa.

What? Was this recently?

No, that was years ago.

I haven't noticed it grown out of it.

Ignore my daughter, Patricia.

Now listen, look.

There's something you have to understand about Ambrose men.

They don't know how to deal with women who have brains.

It phases them and they panic.

Look, I quite understand your need for independence within this relationship,

Patricia. But Michael, whether he likes it or not, is just like his father.

They both like to feel that they're in the driving seat, even when they're

chauffeured. Well, I did think that Michael and I had dual control.

Well, look, if she said I'm going on holiday and there's a chance I might be

visiting an old boyfriend, then I would have been fine about it.

Well, reasonable.

There I ask how things are this morning.

I dare you, Mandy.

What word from Parkinson?

Ah, the word is trouble, sir.

Fine. How big of a deal, Matt?

A medium size. He's in a good mood.

Something to do with our new temp, no doubt.

Anyway, he seems a little... If that's Patricia, I'm not in.

You want me to answer it? If you would. But I thought...

Good morning, Mr... No, I'm sorry, Patricia. He's not here at the moment.

get him to call you back?

Is he?

Really? Well, they call it playing hard to get, but we call it childish.

Yes, well, marrows will be cucumbers, I suppose.

Oh, Stormy. It's been like that all week.

Today...

a little downcast with the possibility of thunder around lunchtime.

Exactly. One big headache.

All right, Patricia.

Yes, we should. That would be nice.

What would?

I will, yes.

Bye -bye.

Do you provide a shipping forecast as well, Mandy?

Yes, I do.

Well, what did she say?

She said she'd try you again later, sir.

And? That accounts for one second of the call, Mandy. Could you fill me in on

the remaining 59?

I mean, did you say anything about the holiday?

No.

Well, how does she sound? Does she sound miserable?

No. Happy?

No, not really.

Annoyed? Yes, that's it.

What do you think I should do? You think I should call her back? You could try.

Not a good idea.

Sir, it's five to eleven.

You have some letters to sign, you have a meeting to go to, and I believe you

have some work for me.

Look, I need the copies as well.

Thank you.

Look, sir, if you feel you need someone to talk to, I'd be perfectly happy to

oblige. But out of office hours.

Your work is slipping, you know.

All right, Mr. Desmond Ambrose, try this one.

What is the shortest overall stopping distance when traveling at 30 miles an

hour?

23 miles.

Shortest stopping distance at 30 mph, 23 m. M is for meters, Desmond.

Meters, miles, cmt.

All right, Mr. Ambrose, what does this mean?

You've got a stiff shoulder.

No, I'm not trying, Desmond.

He's very trying.

You know, I'm a firm believer of the old African saying.

You can't teach an old dog new tricks.

Especially if it answers to the name of Desmond.

That's not an old African saying.

Yes, it is.

I'm an old African, and I'm saying it.

It's not easy driving on the roads these days. You've got to be psychic to know

what the person in front of you is doing.

I mean, I'm a perfectly good driver.

Just all the other cars.

And the buses and the lorries.

And the pedestrians and the pavement.

And the old Africans.

There's got to be a lot.

A lot on panic are two different things, Desmond. Who says I panic?

Well, Shirley said it, Desmond.

Desmond, what's the matter?

Oh, I don't know if I want to go on with this anymore. I don't even have a

driving instructor.

Where is Lee? He said he would call me.

Well, maybe he's busy.

Maybe he's terrified.

Maybe he's fond of his car.

Boy, I'm fond of his car.

I haven't hurt it, have I?

I think he felt last time you had a few near misses.

Nonsense. How could I?

I didn't ride faster than 25 miles an hour.

Trouble is, everybody else was doing 50.

Well, then you should slow down like me.

You've changed your tune.

The last time I took you out. All right, all right.

20 years ago, the last time I gave you a lesson. You remember, Shirley?

All right, all right, all right.

I did not offer my services. But don't you know, I'm without a vehicle.

So am I. Now.

Still bearing a grudge after 20 years.

I told you I was sorry, didn't I?

Me. Oh, me.

You come to give me a lesson.

Now, hold on, hold on.

I've been down to doctors, mate, and they said I've got to avoid stress.

Okay.

I'll drive slower. Let's go.

I've been down the garage and they said that they've got to keep me car in for a

couple of months.

A couple of months?

For observation.

OK.

I've got a message.

You don't want to check me, right?

Well, how plain can I be?

I've been giving you all the right signals.

You can't read signals.

I'll tell you what I have done, Dev. I've sorted you out a card that is

for your needs. I borrowed it off my mate, Chad.

Well, who am I going to get to teach me?

Well, whoever it is, they better make sure they take some witnesses.

What we need is someone with bags of patients.

A large insurance policy.

And nerves of steel.

I know someone.

Leave it to me.

What's that noise?

I can't hear anything.

It's Darren, right?

What's wrong with it?

Listen, you can't hear it now?

Hey, wake up.

We reach out?

Where are we?

We're still in the park.

Don't mind if I liven things up a bit, dear.

Here, I'll put this on, Des.

Essential part of training, this.

Right, let's see how you fare.

I want side B, track five.

Got it?

All right, all right.

You can take one hand off the wheel, Desmond. It's quite safe.

Why have you stopped?

You were doing all right.

All right, pass me the tip, Lee.

No, no, no, you can't do that. You've got to do the two things simultaneously,

Des. Is this essential knowledge, Lee?

Yeah, it's the first thing I was taught anyway.

Key in the ignition, foot on the accelerator, and slam in the tape.

You've got to know them, Pat.

Start her up again, Des, and we'll give her another go.

eating.

Oh, that's right, that's nice. You blame me. What am I going to tell Chas about

his motor?

Tell him the truth. That my damn fool son ran into me with his parked car.

The car that he parked ran into you?

The same way that 20 years ago... Father, you have just cost me £500 in

not to mention my no -claims bonus. I'd keep quiet if I were you.

Mandy, you take sugar?

Not normally, Mrs Ambrose, but in the circumstance.

Oh, I'll take it, Mum.

There you are.

Are you all right now?

I'm fine, yeah.

You're sure?

Yes, really. Can I get you another cushion?

Look, she's fine, sure. Just leave her.

So, Michael, what were you two doing part in the park?

Yes, Michael, we're all dying to hear.

Literally.

Well, I, um...

It's a bit embarrassing, really. No, really, go on, I can't wait.

Well, um, look, I hope you don't mind, Mandy.

You see, Mandy's going through a bit of a rough patch with her boyfriend at the

moment, and... I am?

And she needed someone to talk to. So naturally, as her senior colleague, I

only too glad to lend a sympathetic ear.

In the park, on a Sunday.

Yes, I mean, of course, you can't use the bank's time on personal business.

I'm sorry to hear you're having problems, Mandy.

Well, um, actually, Patricia, I simply can't understand why Michael is lying to

you like this. Mandy!

It's he who has the problem.

The thought of you going off without him had made him feel very insecure. He

talked about nothing else for days, and frankly, it was affecting his work. So I

agreed to discuss it with him out of office hours.

Basically, Patricia, he's frightened of losing you.

Michael! Why... couldn't you say so?

Well, I'm a... Lying toad.

Michael, there's nothing unmanly about admitting to fear.

Is there, Shirley?

Nothing at all.

I find it really rather attractive.

Oh, really?

I'm afraid of spiders.

You're very quiet, Desmond.

You mustn't let it get you down.

You know, I've been thinking we should send you to a proper driving school.

We can afford it.

Don't bother. I'm finished with all that.

Thank goodness.

Hallelujah. Yes.

It's not like you to give up so easily, does it?

You call this easily?

Why?

Because the feet are more reliable.

I know the shortest stopping distance.

Screech.

run out of petrol, and I can park them where I please.