Original subtitles

From the long warm night to the ocean breeze, to the damp and to the rain of

London city.

We come from the sun to live in the cold, I miss the rum, I want my coconut

tree.

Let's keep the music sweet, wind up the western feeling.

Have you seen your mother?

No.

I mean, you'd have thought that after all these years, we'd have got this

-out procedure down to a fine art. I mean, what takes so long to put on a

All you've got to do is whip it on, zip it up, and slip out the door.

Then it's going to be much more complicated.

First of all, you've got to put on your trousers and button the plies, then you

buckle the belt and tie your shoelaces.

Then you put on the shirt and you button that up. Then you put in the cufflinks.

Then you slip into a jacket and you button that up. Then you put on the coat

follow that with the hat.

And I'm still ready before your mother. No, you forgot two things on that list.

What's that? Your socks and your underpants. You see, there's even more

that I still finish before her.

And it's something that really gets me vexed. Oh, I can't think.

Women who stop to do that. Why do you paint your fingernails?

No. Has anyone ever said to you in a romantic voice, darling, your

look lovely?

Of course not.

Oh, Shirley, my sweet.

Your fingernails look lovely.

You know what really fits with me?

Two -faced man.

Desmond, have you run the cab company?

Well, I was waiting on you to... You mean I have been ready all this time and

you're still in ring the company?

You're 15 minutes late already.

I wonder what happened to pork pie.

Men, why is it they're always late?

Late? Men are never late.

You're late.

Mr. Ambrose, Deadman's Barbershop.

Going to the Hilton Park Lane.

How long?

Five minutes?

Okay.

There's something else that get me vexed. What's that?

Cab companies that tell lies.

Now, go and phone that friend of yours and see what happened to him. Well,

there's no point in phoning him, eh? He should have left by now, and if he

hasn't left yet, he's not going to make it, so there's no point in phoning him.

You just have to wait.

Is my tie all right?

Yeah. It's straight.

It ain't too big for me neck.

Like your head?

Yes.

No, no, no, you're all right. You're all right.

Um, wouldn't it be easier if you waited downstairs?

Where? Oh, you'd be there when pork pie turns up and when the cab arrives.

You're not planning to have a party while you're out?

Oh, don't be a dick, Dad. If we had, we wouldn't tell you, and you'd be so late

in going, you would have found out by now.

Besides, it's too much hassle, man. By the time the party gets going, we'll

to pack up before you get back.

I know. Last week's one was a complete disaster.

It was.

They're winding you up.

Yes, well, what worries me is that they want to stay in while we're going out.

Yes, well, it's more worrying when they go out and we stay in. So let's just go

out before we both stay in with nothing to worry about.

Oh, man, this guy is worrying me. I think I'll go change it. Oh.

Keep it short, Gloria.

You're going to see him tomorrow.

All right.

Give me a minute's privacy, please.

Um, no.

Oh, come on, Sean.

Well, so what's it worth?

Well, how about me telling everyone that you're a best brother a sister could

have? I already know that.

You can have my yoghurt in the fridge. I've already had that. Oh, I was a bit

forward to that.

Well, you wouldn't have offered it if you really were.

Look, if you don't leave this room, I'll need you so hard they'll pop out each

year.

Well, that's one way of getting your yoghurt back, I suppose.

Oh, gosh!

Maybe this phone call must be important. Maybe I should stick around. You can't

throw me out.

Talk was not important. Yeah, well, if it wasn't so important, why were you

ready to ruin my manhood? I mean, I ain't had a chance to test it out yet.

Oh, so you're sorry now?

Oi, listen, you little... Now you listen.

I want you to say, sorry, Sean, oh, magnificent one. Oi, wait a minute. No,

go.

Sorry, Sean, oh, magnificent.

Three times, and it's, oh, magnificent one.

That's enough.

Go on, get... Come on.

You just had to ask.

I'll give you two minutes.

Ah, yes, this is more my colour.

A cheeky little burgundy, young and fruity with a hint of passion.

Desmond, we have to talk.

Why, if it's no matter how long you live with a woman, that sentence always

makes you nervous.

you want to talk about?

Gloria. Gloria?

Yes, in case you haven't noticed, she's a big girl now.

Oh, she should be. She's 17.

Yes, I know. Well, you see, she's at that age where... Well, she's been

Wayne for a long time, you know. How long?

Two months.

Blimey, that is long.

We'll soon be celebrating three months together.

Now, this is no joke, you know, Desmond.

I think she's serious about him.

Are you trying to tell me something?

Yes. Well, when did she tell you? I mean... No, no, no, no, no. She's not.

not. Calm down.

Well, what is it then?

Say if she was.

Well, you just said she wasn't. Yes, I know I did, but say if she was. But why

say she is if she isn't? Because she might be.

So she did?

No, she didn't.

just want to avoid it happening?

How can you avoid something happening that didn't happen yet?

Because it could happen, Desmond.

One of these days, she'll get herself in a compromising situation.

She misses the last bus home from a party. She hasn't got enough money for a

cab. So she stays the night at Wayne's place and gets the early bus

home before we wake up. But what's brought it on all of a sudden?

What is it?

a woman now, you know. Well, surely she's only 17. Well, that's quite old

to have ideas.

Did you have ideas when you were that age? Well, I had feelings.

And to think you let me wait until we was married.

Yes, well, there's not a lot of waiting goes on these days.

Are you saying that we should talk to Gloria about taking some form of...

Precaution. You may be slow on the uptake, Desmond Ambrose, but you get

the end.

So what do you think?

I think the black was better.

Desmond! No, that's what I think.

What do you mean, no?

I mean no.

She's my daughter and I say no.

If you tell Gloria about taking some form of precaution, she'll probably

that we approve.

Children grow up too quick nowadays without us encouraging them.

Besides, she probably knows more about contraception from school than you and I

would ever know.

Yes, well, that is what worries me, Desmond. You see, when they teach them

sex, do they deal with the emotions as well?

At last! Come in, Miss Aubrey.

Liz?

Louise! Oh, evening, Mr and Mrs Ambrose. You haven't gone out yet, then? Oh,

yes, we have, Louise. We're dancing at the entrance.

Yeah, I thought we were supposed to be going to that do. Yes, we are, but by

time we get there, it will be done.

Well, I'll just nip upstairs and see Gloria, then.

Lee, is she all right?

Yeah. I'll give her a lift from the bus stop. I wish your mate was going my way.

You came by car, but you're wet.

Yeah. I couldn't get the roof up in time, mate.

In other words, you were posing.

Oh, Shell.

Is the Peckham Prince not entitled to posing?

Desmond, please go and see about the cab. What's the use?

The Peckham pensioner isn't here yet.

Oh, we're not talking pork pie, are we? Correct.

Well, if he's trying to make himself look as elegant as you two, then we're

for a long wait.

God, look at you, Shell. Give us a twirl. Come on.

I tell you what, cancel that cab. I'll take you up there when pork pie comes.

Oh, thank you, Lee.

That's big of you, Lee. Big of me?

Me and big mate, we're like... Well, we're like that, aren't we?

No,

but it won't be much pleasure with the roof down.

All right, give me a couple of minutes, Shell.

One thing, though, Des. What?

You're not wearing that tie, are you? Well, hey, well... Well, it's a

mate. It's last year's colours.

You're showing your vintage now.

Oh, Louise, you poor thing. Are you all right? Of course not.

Yeah, sorry.

What's wrong?

Sean's about... He is.

Oh, look, Glor, we'll do this somewhere else. I thought you said your house was

going to be empty.

It is! Well, it was. Mum and Dad are waiting for a cab, and Sean will. Sean's

Sean, isn't he? Come and sit down.

Did you get it? Yeah, but it was expensive.

Oh, thanks, Glor. I'll never forget you for this. I just couldn't face it. Oh,

it's all right. It's easy when you're buying it for someone else.

But it was expensive.

Oh, right.

Oh, you're in a panic. I've left my purse at home. I've only come out with

bus a bit, huh?

If it turns out all right, you can have it if you ever need it.

You only use it once?

Oh, yeah, of course you can. I'm going nuts.

Oh, I'm so scared, Glor. I know.

You'd be better once you do the test. Put yourself out of the misery.

You haven't told anyone, have you?

Oh, I promise, Louise. It's not the sort of thing you go around trumpeting, even

in this day and age.

Yeah, and I promise I won't tell nobody that Louise is pregnant.

me and otherwise I'll tell the whole of Peckham.

Go away, Sean. This is strictly a female concern.

It does take two, you know.

I just want to know what it's like in case it happens to me. I'd like to know

what to do.

Sean, I don't think it's ever going to happen to you.

Hold on a minute, mate.

Go away, Sean.

Give me a P.

P. Give me an R.

R.

Steady. Calm down, girls.

This isn't easy for me, Sean. I'm trying to come to terms with something that

may alter my entire life.

All you can do is reduce it to some football chant.

I'm sorry, Louise.

I didn't mean to add to your misery.

I could let faith that you must have been miserable enough in the first place

when you found out.

She ain't found out yet.

Oh, she's got nothing to worry about, then, has she?

She's got everything to worry about because she don't know... Get out!

No, let him stay.

What?

Well, if I am pregnant, he's going to find out.

And if he stays, he might just learn something about the agonies that women

to go through. Oi, we are talking about Sean. I mean, I do think you're giving

him too much credit.

Sean.

Sit over there and give your brain a chance.

Is this it, then?

Well, I mean, you know, what are we waiting for?

I'm waiting to see if I'm pregnant.

Oh. Ooh, that's how it happens.

I thought you and what's -his -name already happened.

His name is Nathan, and we're waiting for the results of a pregnancy tester,

which has to be kept in a dark place.

Hence the hanky -chief and the candles.

Comprende -vous?

Yo, comprende. Good, and maybe it'll be some use after all.

Yeah, sure.

Make you some coffee.

OK.

Thanks, Sean.

Glad he's gone.

So, Nathan Fitzgerald, this might be your life, eh?

So, what happened? I mean, I know what happened, but how?

It just happened.

And you know how things go.

It's not as if I just jumped into bed with him. I know.

We'd been to a Greenpeace meeting earlier that evening.

Oh, exciting.

Yeah.

They were talking about the fate of the dolphins.

Oh, very exciting. And how many are needlessly slaughtered in the hunt for

because they get caught up in their nets.

I'm not buying tuna again. Oh, never mind.

So how did Nathan catch you in his net then? Well, after the meeting, I went

back to his place and he cooked me a really nice meal. Yeah, but what? You're

bit thin on the details, Louise.

A vegetarian pizza.

A pizza.

He seduced you over a pizza.

It's the university, Claude. The students haven't got much money.

How many men do you know would know how to make a pastry base, let alone know

what to do with it? True. Go on.

Well, he topped it with mushrooms, onions, sweet peppers.

Oh, that's nice. It was.

We bought some wine on our way back, so we sat there by candlelight, eating,

drinking and talking. Oh, that sounds really... It was.

Time slipped by, and before we knew it, it was half one in the morning, and we

were half cut.

I'd missed the last bus home, and the train stopped running ages before. Yes.

we tried to scrape some money from the cabs their own.

But all we could muster was £4 and the cab fare's eight.

Oh, convenient.

No, it wasn't like that.

He did offer me his bike, but I was too drunk for a bike alone.

So I had to stay the night.

Well, till the early morning. I had to get home before my parents got up.

See, so it wasn't planned, it just happened.

Well, I'm surprised he didn't have a condom, and you for that matter. Well, I

would have done if I thought I was going to.

But you seldom plan that it happens the way it does.

I mean, Nathan's not a wham -bam thank -you man. Here we go, here we go, lager,

lad, is he?

I know what you mean, but some of them boys got no manners, you know what I

mean? Look.

What, my sister?

Come meet me and you'll just dob it and I'll dart up.

And I've got two things to show you.

So come meet me and you'll just red theme.

Do you love him?

I hate him at the moment.

Oh, you know something?

What? I always thought you would be first.

Oh, thanks a lot.

No, what I mean is you always seem to be more emotionally attached to your

boyfriend than I was.

Emotionally attached?

What's that, another word for bimbo?

No.

It's who you should be.

You know what I think?

You think it's too loud?

No, I don't think it's too loud.

Vulgar.

And not loud.

Right, take it off.

Oh, where is poor Pi?

Something could have happened.

What could have happened is he's forgotten the arrangements and gone

the Hilton.

You know what they say, don't you, Des?

Once you start getting on, the old grey matter starts to deteriorate.

You must be finding that. Eh? Because it's taking you long enough to choose

tie. Let me find one.

Ah, this green one looks rather dashing.

Nah, nah.

You think young people are having sex earlier and earlier these days?

Speaking for myself, Cheryl, I generally tend to have my tea first.

You know what I mean.

Oh, sorry, Cheryl.

Well, yeah, I mean...

Young people are exposed to a lot more, aren't they? The whole condom campaign

made it trendy.

I'm surprised you ain't got any, Des. I mean, this is a barber shop.

They became too trendy for me.

You're about to get into experimenting.

Yeah, well, that's what I'm worried about, you see.

Well, the thing I don't understand is that with all this awareness about, how

come there's so many single young girls with babies?

I mean, come Saturday morning down at the market, I am besieged by buggies.

The Peckham Pushchair Brigade, mate.

It's called boredom.

Nothing going on in their lives. I know what. I think I'll have a baby. Then

I'll have someone to care about rather than caring about myself.

How refreshing to hear you talking such common sense, Lee.

I? Who you calling common?

It's impossible.

I can't train the team to wear.

Oh, God.

Look.

Here you are.

Wear this blue one, mate.

Blue's back in this season.

And there's a cummerbund.

Oh, blue, eh? Yeah.

And a hanky.

Ah, yes.

As you blaze a trail of fashion, lesser

mortals will follow in your footsteps.

That'll be 19 power 50, mate.

I tell you what, give me 20 quid and we'll call it quits.

What will your parents do

if you are?

Probably hit the roof.

If they can't reach that, they'll hit me instead.

I think my mum will be most upset because she was young when she had me.

Why? Can you imagine that if it was you, Gloria?

You'd not only hit the roof, you'd go right through it.

I've got something to tell you. Well, there's nothing you can tell me that I

don't already know.

You see, the trouble with you young people today is all these silly little

you get up to. I've been there before. You can't surprise me.

Dad, I think this will.

Well, before it does, go make a cup of tea.

Dad, I'm trying to be serious. Serious?

What do you want to be serious about? You was only young.

Boy, if you can't have fun when you're young, then what is this world coming

I'm expecting.

Expecting what? Twinny pools?

I've been expecting for years. I'm still a living whop.

Oh, and then we go all round the houses until I explain it out to him. And then

there'll be a silence.

And then he'll blame Mum and say, No, Dad, I mightn't do a thing like that.

Oh, my dad will probably go completely silent, hoping the problem will go away.

And then he'll spend a period of mourning in the pub. And then he'll try

guess what sort of a man Nathan is. He probably thinks he's a communist. He

thinks all my friends are.

I told you, you don't want to trust a communist, Lou.

They're all long -haired geeks.

Anarchists who eat muesli.

How much longer?

Two minutes and 30 seconds.

I'll give him another couple of minutes.

Have you finished now, then?

You're not going to change your tie again?

No, no, no. There's only a few men in this world that could wear blue with

style.

You see, Des? You're starting a trend already, mate.

This is the latest style.

I got mine from Lee. Twelve pounds.

Twelve pounds?

It's just a deposit. He still owes me the rest.

What? For what?

I took the scenic route. Which route was that? Via Dover?

Dulwich. Dulwich? Come on. When a man's dressed up, a man wants to be seen in

the nicer parts of town.

So I dropped in on Vincent. He phoned Bert, and we all met up in the Duke's

for a little tipple.

Then we took a stroll around town, gathering a little honey along the way.

Popeye, you're 40 minutes late.

We thought something had happened to you.

It did.

I was all ready to leave because it's a long walk from Dulwich to here when

you'll never guess who walked into the pub. The pub?

Nope. Mrs. Henry, your Barbadian friend.

She was in a terrible state, so we all had to buy her a drink to calm her down.

What was the matter with her?

Oh, I can't say.

She told us in the strictest confidence.

Who else knows?

Only the people in the pub.

You mean the whole pub know and you can't tell us?

It's a very delicate matter, Shirley.

Which I know Mrs. Henry wouldn't want discussed in a barber shop.

Oh, this is cheap. Come on, let's get going.

I'm not going anywhere until Popeye gives us a reasonable excuse as to why

kept us waiting.

Well, I don't want you all gossiping, but the fact is, it's her daughter.

What's wrong with her?

Well, you know the one about the same age as Gloria?

Well, she's pregnant.

She told you already?

No. I think I will speak to Gloria.

Well, I don't think, well, I suppose, but surely not now.

Well, there's no time like the president. Well, what about a dinner and

There'll be lots more dinners and dances and a few more minutes might make all

the difference to Gloria.

But surely we're already late.

For sure you can't talk to Gloria about a thing like this in a couple of

minutes. I mean, you've got to broach it carefully.

Build yourself up to it. Choose your words.

Work your way around the subject.

I mean, it could take all night.

Yes. If I leave it to you, it will.

This is definitely going to take all night.

Nice tie, pork pie.

One, four, three, two, one.

Well, if no -one's going to do it, I will.

Go on, then.

No.

I think you should do it, Louise.

After all, it is your test.

All right.

Here it goes.

What you do it for is global.

It's negative!