All language subtitles for Desmonds s03e06 Vanity Merchants.eng

From the low of night to the notion
free, to the damp and to the rain of

City.

We come from the sun to live in the
cold, I meant to wrap my watch, my

tree.

Let's keep the music sweet, wind up the
western field.

If one applies the standard principle of
supply and demand, one could observe

that Desmond's barbershop is an economic
miracle.

Thank you, Matthew.

Well, the miracle is that it stays in
business.

I beg your pardon?

Well, here we are on a Saturday morning,
and your only customer in the last hour

has been burnt. I am not a customer. I
am a friend.

Arrest my case.

If I say you're a customer, you're a
customer.

You soon will be asking me to pay next.

Matthew, we have customers booked up for
the whole of next week.

Oh, you haven't?

Your next appointment's not until the
last Tuesday of this month. How do you

know that? I read it right here. Look at
that!

What do we do today?

What? Not any morning at Oxford Street.

Conditioning. Ah, I saw you back.

Oh, hi, Mum.

Oh, it's a dangerous business to shut up
like this.

One minute, your purse strings are
pulled so tight, not even the sight of a

vicar's collection box could prise it
open.

And then a sign appears saying, sale
ends tomorrow.

And bankruptcy starts today.

So what happened to that just a pair of
shoes that you went out to buy, Miss

Thrifty? We had to get out there to go
with it.

We've looked upon our purchases as being
sound investment, Mrs Ambrose.

Power dressing, that's what it's about
nowadays, Mum.

Look, clock this.

Wearing that, Gloria, you can clinch a
deal with me any time.

I'm not clinching no deals in my shop.

Especially with my daughter.

Well, listen, what if I told you that me
and Louise have decided to go into

business together?

Eh? That's great.

Well, I'd say you should finish your
education first.

Oh, you've got to be an entrepreneur
nowadays, mother. You don't need A

for that. Just have to have a...

Good idea.

Which is a multifaceted total hair and
body service based on and using only

organic and ozone -friendly products.

Now, that is a good idea. I'm impressed.

And we want to base it here and we want
to specialise in men.

Men? Yeah, well, a man needs women like
us to introduce him to moisturisers and

lotions that help make a woman.

And help make a good -looking man.

Take Lee, for example.

What's that, a stimp? Day and night.

Building them biceps. But what a body
without a face.

Look, if it's customers you're looking
for, you need look no further than moi.

little help from ye olde dressy foot
will have you girls busy till Christmas.

You see what's going on here, Popeye? I
make her brother a sleeping partner, now

the whole family wants to jump into bed
with me.

What glory, huh?

This is just a plain and simple
barbershop. And what is a barbershop? A

where plain and simple men come to be
groomed. I don't come here to be

That is plain to see.

Everyone loves to be pampered. I mean,
don't. You must love to be pampered

sometimes. No, you just tickle him.

Stop that. You just tickle him. Stop
that.

All right, all right, all right. You can
never try a run next Saturday. That is

if your mum agrees.

Well. I hope your baby's big enough.

We'll provide a clientele, won't we,
Lee?

Clientele? That is my middle name.

Our business proposal is in there.

It won't take you more than ten minutes
to read. We've thought about it and we

know what we're doing, don't we?

And you think that starting up a men's
beauty salon in one of London's poorest

boroughs is commercially viable, do you?

And here's a sample of the kind of
product we'll be using.

I'm sorry, little sister. I can't see
hordes of peckermuth queuing up outside

Desmond's for my new jars of elderflower
eye gel.

Come.

Sorry to interrupt you, sir. That's
quite all right, Mandy. I think we're

finished here.

Finished? Yeah, we haven't started
reading it yet. If you'll excuse me,

I do have matters a little more urgent
than schoolgirl fantasies to attend to.

Schoolgirl? You'll want to try some of
that stuff, Michael. It might help the

excess baggage under your eye that's
blocking your vision.

What

is

it with my family? They seem to think
that because I work in a bank, I'm a

source of double as their personal cash
dispenser. I mean, none of them even has

an account with us.

I'm sorry, Mandy.

What was it you wanted? Just your
signature. Oh, and that report. Mr.

Parkinson's getting a little impatient,
to say the least. Well, it is what he

does best.

You've signed that once already, sir.
What?

Oh, yeah. So you're right. Well spotted,
Mandy. Sir, if you don't mind me

saying, I really think we should try and
relax.

Huh? What with all these interruptions
and perfect Parkinson breathing down my

neck? Ah!

A ray of sunshine at last.

Gabriella's of Kensington.

is celebrating five years of fun and
frolics with yet more fun and frolics,

cordially invites you and the guests to
join us for champagne... Um, that's, um,

that's mine, actually, sir. Huh?

Yours?

Oh.

You at Gabriella's, huh?

Secretary by day, wild child by night,
huh?

Sounds like it'll be a good do. If it
does, rather. They've hired a 17th

-century manor house out in Wiltshire.

Wouldn't it be needy to have the party
at the club?

No, Gabriella hates Kensington.

You know, Mandy, you were right. I
should try and relax a bit.

Perhaps I should take a long weekend.

What do you think? It might be an idea,
sir.

How far's Wiltshire?

You don't mean to suggest you come with
me?

Well, the invitation does say you and a
guest. Yes, well, I might have already

chosen my guest.

Oh, come on, Mandy, you can't take
Philip to a do -like. He'll stick out

sore thumb.

In fact, my advice would be to take the
sore thumb and leave Philip at home.

At least the sore thumb's got a better
sense of rhythm.

I suppose if you don't mind being
interrogated at some point by estranged

relatives from my family, Gabrielle's
deranged in -laws, and my father.

They can't be any worse than my backing
group. Parents are all the same.

Disapproving, yes.

But I'm not sure that Daddy would
approve at all of me going out with an

man.

OK, Matthew, now.

Scalp massage, facial rub, pore
cleansing. Which would you choose out of

list? Well, I think I'll have my pores
done first.

Is this serious?

Oh, no.

Well, let's see.

Special delivery for Ambrose and Dixon
Vanity Mart, child.

What did you bring into my premises? I
hope it's not any knock -off good stays,

would I?

Yes.

I'll show you what I've got, right? This
is it.

A luxurious skin cleanser with extracts
of coconut, apricot and jojoba.

Helps to moisturise your skin, leaving
it feeling soft and silky. Hmm, I could

do with some of that.

Natural hair sheen.

£5 .95.

I thought natural was something you'd
pick from a tree or get from all to the

ground. Who would want to pay £6 for
something you can get from your own back

garden? There's...

This stuff comes from places a bit more
tropical than sunny South London, mate.

It's all the way from Jojobia.

Yeah, and five rose petals in a pretty
jar is worth more than 300 in a fawny

bush, Dad.

Well, it might be. You could dress your
hair for nothing, just a little beer rum

and spring water for a Saturday night
out.

Rum in your hair?

All the men back home used to dress
their hair with it.

That's revolting. All the women loved
it.

I wouldn't say that exactly.

I mean, in them days, running your
finger through a man's hair was a risky

business. You spent half the evening
taking up stories to tell your mother.

the smell was a dead giveaway.

Still, it was a risk you were prepared
to take.

Sometimes.

Staying for supper, Louise? Oh, no,
thank you. I've got some studying to do

tonight. Oh, reading up on marketing
techniques, eh? Look, take a tip from

someone who knows, right? Don't listen
to him, Louise.

You're not going to learn much from a
man who can't even pronounce hoba.

Honey, don't go offloading any dodgy
goods on my daughter, you hear?

Cheryl, cross my heart, I don't want to
die.

It's on the other side.

What? Your heart is on the other side,
Lee.

Oh, there's not much chance of you
unloading any things on us unless you're

giving it away.

Well, what happened? I thought you had
it all sorted.

Oh, not exactly. We went to see Michael,
but he was in such a bad mood, he trod

on us like ants.

Would you use this, Lee?

What's that?

Oh, moisturiser? Yeah. Got six bottles
of that in my bathroom cabinet.

Yeah, it smells like something else.

What do you mean?

Well, I'll give you a clue. It's mild
and it's green. And it's for hands that

dishes.

Oh, no.

Rajni's must have got the orders mixed
up. Don't worry, Lee. We can't even

afford it. We'd be better off making our
own stuff. No, look.

This one's made from tried and tested
thousand -year -old recipes.

Oh, yeah, for tried and tested thousand
-year -old faces.

Yeah. Oh, good.

I must try some on pork pie.

My

arms

are seizing up. How many more of these
have we got to do?

Stop whinging, woman. Just think, one
day we'll be able to pay someone really

badly to do all this.

you set your alarm for 2am?

Well, because I set it for 2am, sis.

There's a film I want to watch. Ain't
the video working?

Well, yeah, but ain't the same as seeing
it live, you know?

Sean, the TV's over there.

Yeah, I know.

I was just thinking.

What was you thinking, Sean?

Well, I was just thinking that you two
are completely off your supermarket

vehicles. I mean, who in their right
mind is going to pay to have you

them with gunge?

What is that stuff, anyway?

Yeah. Try some.

Oh,

you love your acne.

Haven't you finished yet?

Nearly, on the last batch.

I hope we weren't disturbing you, Mr.
Ambrose. Oh, no, no, no. I was just

wondering when the wheels of industry
were going to stop turning or churning

whatever it is they do.

You mean you've come to have a nose?

No, no, I was just thinking, this new
enterprise might be just the thing we

to stir up trade.

This may be the future of the family
business we're looking at here.

Well, in that case, many hands make
light work, Dad.

Ah.

Do I get paid overtime?

Of course not.

This family comes under the heading of
cheap labour.

You see, this girl will go far.

What is this boy doing up at this hour?

What? Go get in your bed.

But I'm watching the film, ma 'am.

Well, you can finish watching it in your
sleep.

But, ma 'am... Good night, John.

Night, John!

Wait a minute.

Y 'all gonna be doing this in my kitchen
every weekend?

Oh, no, no. This is just a temporary
arrangement, Cheryl.

You see all them big businesses today?

A lot of them started just like this. A
handful of dedicated workers slaving

away in a small back room.

Yes? Well, I wonder just how dedicated
these two are going to be by the end of

the month.

Oh, Mama, no one executive suit isn't
going to turn me into Anita Ruddick

overnight. But I act what we are,
serious about all this. You see, Cheryl?

Dedication and determination.

The girl in the chip off the old block.
You are looking at the future of the

Ambrose dynasty, Desmond and daughter.

Keep stirring, Dad.

Desmond and daughter.

I mean, I can't see my son running the
family business.

I mean, it calls to someone with
imagination and flair, of which my son

Michael's got none.

There'll be tears before bedtime,
Desmond. What we calling this skin

Skin cleanser? I thought I saw Sean
making sandwiches with this this

the laundry, you're going to have much
use for that. You don't know the saying,

black don't crack.

Morning, Des, Cheryl.

Morning. Girl.

Morning.

It's getting on for midday.

Yeah, look, sorry, Des, yeah, we had a
bit of a late night last night, you know

how it is. I don't pay you to have late
nights, I pay you to cut hair, Desmond.

Yeah, all right, Des. Look, I'm sorry I
overstepped. It won't happen again, I

promise. Well, I should hope not.

Now, there's a lesson here for you,
Gloria.

Never let your... Your employees take
advantage of your good nature. Always

them know who's in charge.

In that way, you maintain a good level
of respect.

Is that so?

Dad, don't tell Tony off. He's been
working overtime this week, sorting out

publicity.

So come on, then. Is there anyone in
Peckham who hasn't heard of the vanity

merchandise?

Oh, what, you mean clientele?

Yeah, Lee. You know, anyone interested,
available, loaded.

Yeah.

Look, put this poor girl out of her
misery. Is Graham likely to be popping

any time today?

Now, look, girl, I've got to come clean
with you. I haven't actually had a

chance to contact... No, Graham.

Did you tell Leo?

Yeah, yeah. Left a very firm message on
his answer phone.

What, is he back from Australia, then?

Tony, I don't like what I'm hearing.

Look, Glor, I haven't been out all week.
My phone's been cut off. Did you say a

word to anyone, the milkman?

Get back! Get back!

Fight my way through these customers.

Popeye, you never heard of anything
called tact?

So how's business?

We filed our publicist. Not bad for the
first day, eh?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Sharon, any chance of some toast?

No. No tea, no toast.

This beauty business is eating us out of
house and home.

You have to wait till I come back from
the shops, Popeye.

My belly echoing like an empty aircraft
hangar.

Well, if you're hungry, you can always
heat up some of that face fat they have

there.

Mark's well. I don't see we've got any
other use for it.

Well, I've got a ceiling that needs
repairing.

You need to advertise.

You should have put an ad in the local
paper.

No, we would if we had the finances.

Yeah, listen, Lee.

What do you say we go down the pub,
mate?

Oh, what, for a swift off? No, no, no,
no, no. Get some customers.

Oh, yeah, right.

You know, Desmond, I think my hands can
do with a manicure.

They're looking a bit tatty. Oh, well,
that's the sort of thing I like to hear.

If you care to step this way, sir.

Louise, I've brought you a preparation
we use in West Africa.

My auntie Tracy Marie swears by it. What
is it, a skin lightener?

Certainly not.

It's a beautiful soap made from dried
plantain peel.

Dried plantain peel?

Yes. You see, we in the underdeveloped
countries have been using natural

ingredients for years.

It's nice to see the rest of the world
waking up to our ways.

Is this what keeps you looking so young,
Matthew?

Nope. He's just underdeveloped.

I bet it's not as good as that Fanny T.
Mercer's face pack special.

I bet it is.

I bet it isn't. I bet there's only one
way to find out. Come this way, Matthew.

You know,

Mandy, I've been thinking.

Oh, makes a change, sir.

Spitz, I'm coming to this do with you. I
think you calling me sir is a little

old -fashioned.

Well, I'm an old -fashioned girl, sir.

Look, what I mean is, I think we should
drop the formalities.

Drop them, sir? Look, Mandy, I'm being
serious.

I think the time has come for you to
call me Michael.

Sir, you know what they say.

Familiarity breeds... Yes, go on.

Well, that's it.

Familiarity breeds...

Mother? Can I come in? Of course.

Mandy, meet my mother.

Mandy's my secretary. Let me help you,
Mr. Mandel. Oh, thank you, Mandy.

I'll be next door if you need me,
Michael.

So? Well, not very cheerful, is it?
Mother, this is a bank, not Disneyland.

Michael, you haven't popped round to the
shop lately.

Well, I've been tired up here, and we
work Saturdays now, as you can see.

yeah.

You're looking a bit tired, you know,
Michael.

You sure you're not doing too much?

Mother, what's this about?

It's your father.

I think he's finally losing his marbles.

What do you mean?

He's got it into his head that Gloria is
going to carry on the family business.

He's not serious.

He is serious?

Well, you know, Gloria and Louise
started this little sideline.

What, the idea they came to me with?
Yes. Now he's talking about the Ambrose

dynasty and future generation. But I'm
the Ambrose dynasty.

Look, I'll come round to the shop. Good.

I just don't want him to get too upset.

Mandy? Yes, Michael?

I'll be off now, OK? So I guess I'll see
you at Fred's around six?

OK, fine.

Mandy? Yes, Michael?

What to wear?

To suit or not to suit?

No, not a suit.

Huh?

What's wrong with my suit?

Well, it makes you look a bit middle
-aged.

Well, if we're going to attract this
quality of customer glow, we'll have to

adjust their whole media profile.

Yeah, reorientate our target into
executive care.

Attract the vain and the rich.

The mobile phonies.

The vanity merchants present.

Ta -da!

Puppy hour!

Yeah,

it's fine.

Can you do anything about the chins?

Sure.

All right, all right, just checking the
quality of the work.

Yo, Matthew!

Just a couple in this.

By that time, hopefully, his face will
have dissolved.

Papa, let me see what Louise did to your
hands.

You know, the last time I had a manicure
was 1965.

Only it was an accident.

You see, I was trying to prize a
shilling out of an electric meter so I

enough money to take my girlfriend to a
dance.

But it took me three hours and ruined
all my nails.

Then this woman had the nerve to turn
around and say she's not going to any

dance with any man who chew his nails.

Teas and toast.

Courtesy of Desmond and daughter.

And wife.

What's this and daughter bit?

This can come off now, Matthew.

Ah,

Matthew. Reconstituted Ninja Turtle.

With suntan.

You know, this really is rejuvenating.
My skin feels all...

sensations you're going to feel when I
tell you how much we're going to charge

you. We?

What's this we bit?

Well, we are a family business.

It's our idea, not yours.

And I'm not Anne's daughter, thank you
very much. I'm Gloria Ambrose,

entrepreneur. And what happened to
Dixon?

Oh, yeah, sorry, lovely. Well, look
here, young lady. You use my shop, you

my employees, you use my muesli, you use
my mango juice. You're always the same,

ain't you, Dad? You don't support
anybody's idea until you've taken it

Well, we're going to stand on our own
two feet, aren't we?

Four feet.

Four feet.

You know, this price list needs
restructuring. Oh, yeah, another man

in. I thought you didn't care for
schoolgirl fantasy.

Fine, if you don't want top -quality
financial advice.

Michael! Well, we did, but we don't now.

OK. Mother, father, I'll be off.

I'm off for a weekend in the country. I
trust we won't be hearing any more about

Desmond and the daughter.

I don't think so.

All right, listen up, listen up. We have
found some new customers.

Yeah, you're right. The pick of youth do
need a bit of help.

Come in, boys.

Well, we would like to lose a boat.

Partier.

Yeah, well, boys, it's good, but it's
not that good.

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