Original subtitles

From the long white night to the ocean breeze, from the damp and to the rain of

London City.

We come from the sun to live in the cold, I make me rum, I wash my coconut

Don't touch my soca.

Don't touch my soca.

Don't touch my soca.

Don't touch my soca. Don't touch my soca. Don't touch my soca. Don't touch

soca. Don't touch my soca.

Don't touch my soca. Don't touch my soca.

Listen to this.

The dream dictionary says that if you dream you're a fish swimming about in

ocean, it means you've got an endless sexual appetite.

What's that got to do with sex?

And since when do you need a dictionary for dreams? I mean, a dream is a dream.

Dreams don't go from A to Z, they go all over the place.

The dreams can be significant, then. I had a dream.

Some dreams can be significant.

I've always found dreams fascinating, you know. I had the wildest dreams.

Well, that doesn't surprise me.

Now, what are your dreams about then, Tony?

I? No, I don't remember them.

Oh, you know, you had a dream if you can't remember.

Oh, but we all have dreams we don't remember.

I had a dream.

I remember mine.

All right. Tell us what it was, and we'll look it up.

Well, I was walking down this road with a sweet potato and a carrot.

And, uh, you see, we were on our way to a restaurant to have lunch.

Well, anyway, we got there, and, uh,

We were shown to the table by a parsnip.

And you know what was on the menu?

No. Me.

They wanted to eat me. So what? These vegetables wanted to eat a pork pie?

No pork pie. I always thought that you were strange, but I can now definitely

say you're mad.

Everybody, look who I just found.

Leroy Smart.

Long done, Colin.

Remember the siege?

He's come to say he's about making a program.

A program?

What, here?

Yes, we'll definitely have to dress it up a little.

What's the problem about it? No, it's no big deal, really. We've got a new slot,

ten -minute docus.

I was thinking of calling this one Blacks to the Future.

Well, I like it anyway.

Don't you think it's a bit marginalised again? And what's your name, sweetie?

Gloria. Gloria, great.

Marginalised. I like it. No, no, no. What we want to do this time is to

some positive images of black people.

We were thinking of starting Wednesday here for a day, and we thought we could

use you.

Use her? Yes, the nation's heart went out to this family after the siege.

The amount of fan mail I got was amazing.

Fan mail?

We got was amazing. Didn't you get any? No. My office never sent you none? No.

Never mind.

So, what do you think about my blast for the future idea?

I mean, doesn't it sound sexy to you?

Oh, positively sexy.

the lead singer with the band? No. Well, if you could slip in a couple of tunes,

then I could show you how talented I am. Yes, man. We are.

Hey, Leroy, come bring the brothers along, could I? Brothers?

Well, you know, just to be in the background whilst they're cutting hair.

I only want you to film this side of my face, you know. This is my best side.

I always thought you sat on your best side.

Me on the TV? My mum's gonna love this. You know, I always thought I'd be there.

Listen, Leroy, you're done on an agency. Look, I must make one thing very clear.

What? This feature is about...

The story behind the story.

So we'll only be using the Patel family.

Ambrose? Family.

This is Docu's baby.

What do you mean?

Cheap, limited budget.

You can imagine.

But I am a part of the family.

Yeah, this program's about a black family. We're all part of that, you know

I'm saying? Well, if there's any problems, there's my card.

Very nice, very nice.

Excuse me.

So I'll be...

Joe.

Hello, Leroy Smart.

Who's London calling now, then? What?

Listen, mate, your firm don't need any cameras, do they? No, we've got plenty

cameras. What we need is good cameramen.

No, mate, fresh out of cameramen.

But I'll tell you what I have got.

You don't fancy a couple of tickets to see Pavarotti? I've got a couple if

you're interested.

Well, I'll take them. Bring them on Wednesday. Joe.

Wednesday?

What's happening on Wednesday, then?

We're all going to be TV stars.

We are going to be TV stars.

Yeah, family only.

And I've known this family longer than you, Sean.

Oh, Popeye, don't be so childish.

But surely it's the truth. Listen, Popeye, sometimes you have to accept

decisions. That's what being an adult is all about.

Listen, there's me old son.

Would you accept that most people have skeletons in their cupboard?

Well... Other families have skeletons in their cupboards, yes.

Hello, Dad.

What? I

don't

know what you're talking about.

I don't know why you called this stupid meeting. I suppose you want to instruct

us how to behave on television in case we make idiots of ourselves, correct?

No. Well, the only person who's going to make an idiot of themselves on

television is you. I mean, walking on a bank with a stupid haircut like that.

I mean, I suppose you got it styled by a landscape gag, no?

Desmond, stop being provocative.

Look, it's only natural that we all sit around and discuss how the television

people are going to present us.

I mean, just because somebody wants to poke a camera in your face, you tend to

get stupid enough as if you're a star.

All I did was to ask the man if he wanted to hear me sing. You did what?

I think you should keep close tabs on that Leroy Smart and what he does with

that programme, and I'd like to volunteer as the one that keeps very

him. Yeah, for me to do.

Well, I don't think we should do this programme.

What? Well, let's face it, Mum's right. As soon as television's mentioned, Dad

thinks he's Nat King Cole.

Pickham's answer to Janet Jackson.

What are you talking about? We've got to do what I've told all the brothers,

man. There's something not quite right here. I mean, my son, the entrepreneur,

the one who's always giving me grief about raising the profile of the shop,

to get more customers to make more money.

This is an opportunity for millions of people to see me.

You? I mean, us.

I mean, that hairstyle must have done something to your head, boy. And if you

don't want to be in this programme, fine. No -one's asking you to be. You

even live here.

Tell him, sister.

Look, I think this could all be a terrible mistake.

Michael, stop pussyfooting and tell us why you really don't want to do this.

But this is not that I... Get on with it, boy.

OK, I've been shortlisted for promotion at the bank. How short and which list?

I'm currently number 10 in the pecking order.

You don't want us to blow your chant, do you? Well, yes, this might, you see. I

mean, the selectors might see it in this... Once again, Michael is ashamed

us.

What are you doing, Desmond? I'm calling Lee to tell him to bring that skeleton

rung here because that ain't no son of mine.

Sit down, Desmond. Not surely.

All right, all right.

Lee Roy Smart said he wanted to present us as positive images of black people.

Now, we all know we get a lot of that negative stuff.

Right. And if I have anything to do with this, the Ambrose family will come

across as ourselves.

Bright, positive, intelligent.

That includes your father.

And since you are up for promotion, what better way to show them who you are and

where you come from?

Michael, for someone who can be as selfish as you, I'm surprised you missed

opportunity.

Am I that selfish? Yes.

Well, I suppose we can at least make some money. Money?

You mean we get paid?

Have you got his card, ma 'am?

Sophie,

you upset about this television thing?

Nope. I just vexed that I won't be able to say what I wanted to say.

And what was that?

And I wanted to complain about my block of flats, why the lifts don't work, why

people use it as a toilet.

Why, when you're a pensioner, they put you on the 19th floor instead of the

And I would like to kidnap that architect who built it and make him live

Well, it's a good thing you're not a parent, where the list of complaints

that really ended up in a four -hour epic.

That's it, Desmond Ambrose. Rub it in.

You can keep your family to yourself.

I don't want nothing to do with your family.

Oh, come on, Popeye. You can't sit there talking about it all day.

Talking who stuff? You just shut up and play with your sister.

I know exactly how you feel, pork pie, my son. As soon as a bit of fame and

fortune comes your way, they abandon us. Well, I tell you what, if it happened

to me, I'd do exactly the same.

Oh, Leroy Smart!

How nice to see you!

You don't mind if I call you Leroy? Not at all, not at all. Did my agent...

Agent? My son, Michael, contact about my contractual arrangements? Oh, yes, yes,

yes, he did.

Ah, how much are we going to get?

Nothing. Nothing?

Well, this is the first thing, Desmond.

We in television have to make vital decisions.

We have a responsibility to our viewers.

We have to give them programs that keep them glued right up from the start.

The pitch on this program is wrong.

Pitch? What do you mean? Well, one thought that after speaking to Michael

the family lacked charisma.

Family? I mean the program lacked charisma. So, until the next time.

Ciao.

No.

Well, I think you're all being a bit hard on Michael. It wasn't his fault.

Yes, it was. If he wasn't so boring, we'd be on a TV.

They never said I was boring. They said we lacked charisma.

Same difference.

What exactly did you say to him? Look, I don't understand you lot. Who was the

one that told you about the money you could get? And who was the one who blew

it? Oh, wait a minute. Who didn't want us to do it in the first place? Yeah,

stop it.

Look, there's no point.

crying over spilt milk.

Precisely. Look, it's only a TV program.

How many programs we watch each day, eh?

Half of them we don't watch and the other half we don't even care about.

But if it's charisma he wants, then we'll give it to him.

I like it when my wife talks like that.

Bold and assertive.

My little sugarplum. Thank you, Desmond.

What do you have in mind?

Well, I don't know. I haven't thought about it yet. Look, I'll go round and

to him. Try a different approach. No!

Look,

I'll take him out.

I'll think of somewhere special. It'll be my treat.

Well, if you'll pay.

So,

how long have you been riding?

On and off.

Well, more off than on.

Actually. Oh, so you've been thrown a few times.

No.

Well, I mean, yes.

Don't worry.

It happens to the best of us. I know.

So what riding club do you belong to?

Huh? Club?

Well, I don't anymore. Not enough time to justify the expense. I know what you

mean.

Why do you think our family's boring?

That's not what I said.

Look, Desmond's is a milestone of black British enterprise.

It's a community center, a confessional, a social service.

And I thought it was a barbershop.

No, no, no, no. Seriously.

I like it.

Ethos. Community.

Traditional.

ECT. Yeah, man, that sounds wicked.

Great, great, great.

Shall we get her back?

Yeah, man, go on.

of the future, egg scene, take six, and action.

No, no, no, no, no.

Look, look, look.

We don't want the audience seeing you brutalizing an egg first thing in the

morning, I do.

We have another egg, please.

Now, let's try again, huh? But a little softer this time, please.

Right. Blacks of the future, egg scene, take seven.

Mr. Smart, then you're ready for me. Mr. Grant.

Call me Popeye. That's the name he wants to see on the credit.

Popeye, we are doing the local oddity section downstairs.

So could you please wait downstairs?

Local oddity section, all right.

Can I see a piece first? Oh, certainly, certainly, certainly.

And over there.

Okay.

And take eight. And hello, Londoners. My name is Popeye.

What are you doing?

I'm rehearsing my piece.

And action.

Good luck, Desmond.

Uh,

Popeye, I think you'd better go upstairs.

I didn't know the camera was on. Downstairs, Popeye. Downstairs.

Sorry.

What I want you to do, Shirley, is to come into shot here, followed by Sean,

up, and Gloria, up.

Now, they sit, and then you come around here and serve them breakfast, okay?

Right. Action.

I thought you wanted to make a documentary about us.

I do, I do, I do. You wanted a fly -on -the -wall approach.

Yes, I do, I do.

But this is not the way we have breakfast.

Yes, what does eating an egg have to do with it? Well, I just want to show them

out there that you're normal.

Normal? What do you mean? Yes, of course we are. Look, I didn't mean to be rude.

Oh, don't worry about it. It's nice to see Desmond and Michael agreeing about

something. Right.

Is that camera still running?

Look, just act natural, okay?

Natural?

How do you expect me to act natural with that thing pointing at my acting

ability?

A lover, really.

Get off, Desmond.

Yes, it was hard to settle down in England.

First of all, we were welcome.

And then we became a problem.

And then when we tried to set up the shop, lots of people were jealous.

But we had a lot of help from the community.

Did we?

Of course we did.

Well, you didn't give us any money. Well, money isn't everything.

My greatest fear?

Over there.

No, no, no.

Bees.

I hate bees.

That's a phobia.

What's the difference? I'm still frightened of them.

Can I change this cardigan? No.

My greatest fear is that I wouldn't make it before I build my house back home in

Guyana.

It's very important to me. I vowed I would.

I know some members of my family don't share my dream.

But I will do it.

I will do it.

You sure a clan changes clans?

My biggest fear is dying before Desmond.

He's so hopeless.

He wouldn't be able to cope.

Well, I've managed before when you went away.

Yeah. but you only had to manage until I came back.

And even then I had to prepare things for you if I die I'm not coming back.

That's true.

Well, you just have to stock up the freezer before you go.

Action. When are you going to film me?

Downstairs, pork pie. We're coming in a minute.

Sorry. So you're coming in a minute?

Which minute?

Downstairs, pork pie.

All right.

I owe this interview.

Take 27.

And action.

Take 49. And action.

Well, it would have been nice to have a sister. You know, someone you can share

things with.

I mean, Mum's OK, but she's me mum.

And I can't talk to her about boyfriends and sex and peer pressure and all them

sort of things.

And I can't borrow her clothes or her make -up.

And I think living in a house that's predominantly male has taught me one

You've got to shout to be heard.

But I like them. Is that all right? Because I have to sing!

I thought I'd take you down here, you know, to show you where I'm really

from. This is the streets, man.

Enough running. Do you know what I'm saying?

No, no, no, no, no, no. Over here, over here.

Come on.

Cut, cut.

This is where it's at.

We call this the bunker.

We come down there because we can't hang out. You know what I mean? No place to

go. So we're forced underground.

Welcome to the bunker.

It's amazing how popular you become when a TV crew's around.

Hey, there's Colette, man.

No, this is Colette.

I've been asking her for ages, man. She always turned me down.

Not now, though, chicken.

What are you saying, Colette, man? Picture of the night, 7 o 'clock?

No, show my car.

Well, safe then, safe.

I

became

a partner in this business three years ago.

And at the time of joining, one felt that it needed to be more profitable.

So one set about a plan that would take us into the 90s. Indeed, one felt

that... Where does one come into this? Who runs the business?

We run the business, Father. Do you often argue? Yes.

Downstairs, pork pie. Hurry up, man.

We're tired and it's getting late.

Well, all families have arguments. I like to argue with my son.

Yes.

We're all right, really, aren't we, Father? See, I need to get on with him

in case he writes me out of his will.

I never thought of that.

Only joking.

I don't mean it, do you, Father?

I know that smile.

Cut! Cut! This is the last shot before we go downstairs, right? All I want you

to do is look into the camera and smile, OK?

Comfortable? Right.

Action. Quick, Leroy, mate. Here, cameraman, I've got a shot for you.

Yeah, my name's Leroy. You call me the Peckham Prince.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

I've got those Pavarotti tickets for you. No, you fool!

Oh, OK.

Yes. Yes, Desiree.

I like that.

No. Not there.

Yes.

Just there.

I think he's having an affair with a vegetable.

I'll tell you what, Des, me old son.

This programme, and I've done wonders for my image.

I've got people stopping me in the streets and asking me if I've got any

Pavarotti tickets.

Well, I must confess, I have become a minor celebrity at college.

Well, I can say I didn't realise how popular the programme was going to be.

Oh, Desmond, don't act so surprised.

You're actually willing it to be popular.

I mean, you even had dreams about it.

Yeah, what did we say about pork pies dreaming?

All right, all right.

You don't have to rub it in.

I didn't know that smart ape, Leroy, would keep that piece about me dreaming.

I'm getting some funny phone calls.

Are you really pork pie?

Perhaps it's from a carrot or a parsnip.

Hey, Mum, Dad, this is Colette.

You remember her, don't you? Yes.

Hello, Colette. Hi, Miss Ambrose.

Yeah, well, we're going upstairs to do some homework.

And then we're off to the pictures.

Ah.

I want everyone to meet my sisters.

We're starting a sisterhood network for all the single girls in the family. And

we're calling it as of... A single sister of family.

Well, hello, sisters.

Listen, honestly, you can call me the Peckham Prince. Listen, maybe we should

call it buzz off.

No, no, you get the most... Look, listen, listen.

Leroy Smart.

Pleased to meet you, sir. I just come to give the whole family a special thanks

for the program. It was very well received.

I want a word with you. And I want a word with you.

You see, as a result of the program, I have been promoted.

And we've had so many calls about Popeye's dream that my first program

on dreams.

Does that sound sexy to you?

There's my car.

Call me. We'll do lunch.

Okay? Ciao.

Ciao.

Ciao.

Michael, what's wrong?

Nothing. You look miserable.

Why is it?

Tell me what makes you so miserable so I can learn a few tips.

Mr. Phillips called me into his office today to talk about the promotion.

You know I was on a short list of ten? Yes.

Now I'm number twelve.

He really enjoyed the programme, but he said he couldn't have an employee in

such a senior position with a hairstyle that was likely to cause offence.

So he told me to come here and get it cut.