Original subtitles

From the long white night with an ocean breeze to the damp and to the rain of

London City.

We come from the sun to live in the cold and it's near of my water, my coconut

tree.

Let's keep the music sweet, wind up your waist and feel the energy.

That is a nice shave, Desmond.

You want anything else? No.

I want a new manicure.

Oh, Lord!

Come on!

Come on, Dad!

Um... Um... Well, Julie, what? You ain't got any?

Nah, mate, I'm in Raybaird.

Well, then let's get down before the news give way, aren't we, Uncle?

Listen, Beverly, what's the matter?

A funny thing happened to me on the way to the shop.

A funny thing always happens on the way to the shop.

One time there was mugged. The next time it was two gunmen. I mean, what is the

matter with you? Your life is so full of drama.

They should make you a dam.

You see what you do? You bring on the pins.

What happened, Beverly?

Yesterday, I had a deja vu.

Apparently, she was walking past the kids' playground. She saw the empty

swing. Who deja vu this, eh?

The empty playground.

The empty swing.

Swing in.

Without a child on it.

But Beverly, that happens every day just after the playground closes.

No, but then this morning, the pain grabbed me. The kind of pain I have when

know something is afoot. This is afoot. What is?

Baldies are red, they turn violently blue.

Two things will happen, they both involve you.

And that is a poem, Des.

Signed P.

Who is it from?

You're not supposed to know that, pork pie.

Why would anybody want to send you that, Des?

That sounds like a threat to me. Let me see.

Where is it sent from?

The West End. It could be anybody.

Read it out again, Shaw. There might be a clue in there somewhere.

Baldies are red.

I have a feeling about this.

What feeling is that?

It's just a feeling.

You see what I mean about you? This was an ordinary day until you came in. Now

it's turned into a drama.

It seems to me this may be the beginning of a vendetta.

This is serious, Desmond.

Can you think of anybody who might have a grudge against you?

Yes. Someone about six foot tall wears a suit and works in a bank. Ah, the glory

card. Ah, Neville.

Hello,

Neville. How it is?

Ah, Neville, it's always nice to see you.

Thank you.

It's the uniform.

Good morning, Father.

Now, what are you doing here?

Shouldn't you be at work? Shouldn't you?

Listen, everybody.

Nev's got something to tell you all, haven't you, Nev?

Uh, yeah.

Well, I don't know how to tell you all this, but as from tomorrow, PC Neville

James will be no longer.

What?

You're handing in your uniform?

Yes. I mean, you can't do that now, you see? More drama.

As from tomorrow, I will be Detective Constable Neville James, CID.

So make the most of that uniform while you can.

you tell us he was putting in for promotion?

Call it superstition. I didn't let anybody know, apart from Michael and

I didn't think he'd get it anyway.

I mean, Neb, a detective, they must have been well desperate.

Lee, do I detect jealousy?

No, it's just that when we was at school, well, it was a bit dopey. Hey,

weren't too smart yourself.

Well, far be it from me, Neb, but I believe it when I see it.

Anyway, I'm proud of you, me old son.

I must dash. I'm off to Pete's dad's servant. You?

Keep your eyes peeled.

Well,

here is something for our new detective.

What's this? Father, I almost forgot. This is for you.

What is it?

I don't know.

A chap came up to me outside the shop and asked me to give it to you.

What does this person look like? Look like?

He looks like a person. What's going on?

Were you with him then?

Yes. Did you see the man?

What's going on? Well, no. I wasn't paying much attention.

What is this world coming to when a detective don't pay attention?

I haven't started the job yet.

I wouldn't worry too much about this. But is we a choir rolling out? Somebody

tell me now.

So this is your practical joke.

Well, I'm not so sure. This letter says two things will happen.

This could be the second one.

Well, I wouldn't jump to any conclusions.

We don't know if the letter and the parcel are connected.

Oh, yeah?

Well, in that case, you open it.

It's just that...

Stop!

There's something strange about this.

I sense something.

I told you. You see? More drama.

Don't be stupid. It's probably a fuse.

There's a bad karma about this, boss. Perhaps she's right.

Perhaps she isn't. This is no joke.

I don't believe this.

A parcel arrives.

A daily occurrence if one is in business and you all start running around like

headless chickens.

Look, it's probably hairspray. I agree. Let's open it. Yes.

It's a money box, isn't it?

No, Father, there's no money in it. You have to put some in.

What a skeleton with an afro has got to do with strange powers is beyond me.

Look, I've got to go. If anything serious happens, don't hesitate to call

Yes. And if you will need anything... Scream!

Why do we let Beverly talk us into this?

We shouldn't be venturing into the unknown.

I have a great respect for the forces of nature.

My true... What does sitting around holding hands and staring at two things

the table have to do with the forces of nature?

I hope you've all been concentrating.

Yes, Beverly.

And have you broken the chair?

No. Have you?

Beverly, how do you expect us to concentrate if you keep nipping after

toilet every couple of minutes?

Dead man. No one... and disobey the forces of nature.

Cut board, cook the meal tonight.

Concentrate.

Whoever you are, please speak by whatever means.

Concentrated already, isn't it? It's very small.

Here, let me try something.

Concentrate.

No,

there's no one there.

spirit so that you may be able to get off your chest.

Whatever it is about, there's one that is bothering you.

See?

Is there anybody there?

Hey, what's going on? What is this? Oh, no, it's not what it seems. Oh, darn.

That's for you, Mum. It's not what it seems. We were just having this game.

Desmond? He didn't say anything.

In fact, it wasn't him.

It was nobody.

What's going on?

Nothing. I think we've had enough for this evening.

Good night.

No, no, no, Beverly.

I'll see you down.

Boy, that's what you do for kicks when you get old. I might as well lay down

die. Why bother? They only try to resurrect you.

today and gone tomorrow, but faster than the sword of Zorro.

They seek him here, they seek him there, but he also could be anywhere.

P.

P.

What's here today and gone tomorrow?

down, Father. It could mean anything.

Well, in my view, it's from someone who feels he had had a bad haircut, yes?

Well, so what? We're going to ran up the hole of Peckham, then?

What we have to try and ascertain is how this person got into the shop. The

answer is... with a key.

I think there's more to this than meets the eye.

Call it nonsense, but I still feel that... Beverly, I am trying to

investigation, and I don't want any interruptions from anyone whilst I'm

to do it. Is that clear?

Yes. Oh, we're so macho. That includes you, Gloria.

Sorry, Nev.

Well, if you think that the suspect entered the shop with a set of keys...

that would mean that one of us is the suspect.

Precisely. Hey, I like this, eh? It's like Cluedo, innit? With Reverend Green

the library with a candlestick. This is...

It is nothing like Cluedo. Sit.

Yeah, right now.

Now we begin our process of seduction.

Yes, my dear Watson. I think it was Matthew.

How could it be Matthew, Porkpie? He was upstairs when it happened.

Ah, well, that narrows it down.

How so?

Well, surely Tony, Porkpie, Matthew, Beverly and I were predisposed.

when the incident occurred.

What were you doing?

We were having a seance.

Don't mock young man.

How long were you doing that for?

Oh, not long.

For about half an hour until Gloria and Sean walked in.

Gloria and Sean were the last two people to enter the room upstairs.

And they could have come into the living room from the shop.

Dad, are you accusing us?

Well, it would just take a couple of juvenile delinquent minds.

I've seen you do some really childish things. Quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet.

Now, apart from Gloria and Sean entering the room, did anyone leave

the room?

Well, yes.

Beverly kept on dashing off to the toilet.

Beverly!

fish that was moving around in your stomach?

Or was it the furniture in the barber shop?

Are you accusing me?

Me?

You see what you do? You make the blood pressure go up.

And now the sinuses start to play up. You see what you do, poor guy?

All right.

So, you were all say -on -thing? Yeah, and then we come down the shop, and

bingo, there it was.

Then Shirley phoned you, and Michael dropped by.

Yes. Yes.

Why did Michael drop by?

What is this? The Spanish Inquisition? Well, Mr. Criminal always likes to

revisit the scene of the crime.

The criminal?

Are you calling me a criminal, Father?

Get your facts straight. A crime has hardly been committed here. Someone has

walked into the shop and moved around some furniture.

Oh, well, it's a little bit more important than that, isn't it, Michael?

Is it? It is.

Playing tricks on your father is quite important.

I haven't played any tricks on you.

In fact, I wish I had pulled this scam just to see your face. Ah, you wish you

had done it.

Peter Gilton, what you've got to say to yourself, members of the jury, is, would

you trust a man that looked like that?

Yeah, but would you trust a woman with a mouth as big as hers?

Thank you, George. I rest my case. Quiet.

The Michael.

What I'd like to say to those assembled here is this.

I've been a partner in this business for near on two years.

And as you know, profit has been my main motive.

So bearing that in mind, would I willfully sabotage my own business?

Our business.

No. I wouldn't waste the time or the money on this ridiculous joke.

Joke it may be, but someone has gained entrance to the premises without

authorization.

And that constitutes a crime.

Did they steal anything? No.

But they could have done. Look, we're not getting anywhere.

Don't worry, Cheryl.

We will.

How many people have a set of keys to the shop?

Well, I have a set, of course. And so do Shirley and Sean and Gloria and

Michael. And I've recently given a set to Tony.

Hold on a minute, guys.

When were you given a set of keys?

Well, about three weeks ago.

You seem to be right, Avacyn. Look, I do work here, you know. My family has had

keys for a long, long time, and nothing has happened. You've only had a set of

keys for three weeks, and there have been three incidents.

What are you saying, Desmond?

I want my keys back.

You don't trust me, then?

No.

Desmond, how could you say that? It wasn't difficult.

I don't want you to think as you introduced the man to me in the first

Yeah, well, Desmond, if you don't trust me, then I don't trust you either. So

you can take your key and your job and stick it where it hurts.

Desmond Ambrose. I'd like to return to the two notes, each signed with a P.

A P and a P.

P and P.

What does that mean?

The Peckham Prince.

That's my name. Don't wear it out.

What are you doing there, Lee?

Well, the lights were on, so I thought I'd pop in. What are you all doing? I

you were serious.

Lee has been away for the day, hasn't he?

Very convenient.

You know, I think he sent the note.

What am I supposed to have done? No.

It couldn't possibly be Lee.

Pee -pee could mean anything.

Like the peckham pimpernel.

They seek him here. They seek him there.

That's right, I've read the book. But Lee wouldn't.

Oh, cheers, Neville. You may make a dick after all.

So, Neville, what's your thought on the matter?

I already have a fair idea of who did it. But I need one final piece of

evidence.

As we in the CID know, the criminal always makes one last mistake.

And when he does...

we all meet here tomorrow morning.

That's it, Nev, me son.

Oh, we'll catch him, won't we?

We? Well, I want to be there, too.

This is a police matter, Lee.

Ooh!

Desmond, I think you should change your lock first thing tomorrow morning.

And in the meantime, just in case our prankster returns,

somebody should sleep in the shop.

Oh, yeah.

And we know who that somebody is going to be, don't we, Desmond?

Yes. We'll pay.

Neville, are you going to tell us who you think did it?

I can go one better than that.

I know who did it.

Ever since I started this case, there's been an element that has been missing.

A motive.

Why would anybody want to play a hoax on Desmond?

Because of a dodgy haircut?

Well... He's been doing that for years.

So why exactly? revenge now.

No.

We have all come to one massive wrong conclusion.

Whoever the culprit is, Desmond was not his target.

Well, who was?

I was.

You?

Someone wanted to see me fail on a case.

Someone who knew about my new job early enough to set up the prank.

Someone who resented my promotion.

Only two people knew about it before the rest of you.

Michael and Lee.

As I predicted, the perpetrator committed one final act of bravado.

A dead giveaway, if I may say so.

Ladies and gentlemen, the culprit is... Oh, I don't know if I can take it. As I

was saying, the culprit is...

The worst fella in class 5C at Dalston Road

Secondary.

The Peckham Prince is not innocent.

It's a fair cop. You've done really well, Ned, my old son.

You stupid, crafty...

I think Ned will make a really good detective, don't you?

Right, well done, Ned.

Peckham Pimpernel was collared by the Peckham Poirot.

I think that was a very intelligent scout. Cheers, Matthew.

Wait till you get the coffins for me.

Desmond, can I borrow your keys, please? Mine are upstairs.

Thanks. Tony, see you Monday.

There's just one thing, everybody, you know.

If Lee was down here rearranging the furniture while we were upstairs holding

our seance, how did you make those phone calls?

Yes.

What phone calls?

How do you make any phone calls?