Original subtitles

From the long, long night with an ocean breeze to the damp and to the rain of

London City.

We come from the sun to live in the coal line, it's nearer my water, my coconut

tree.

Let's keep the music sweet, wind up your waist and feel the heat.

Some people are so stupid.

I bet she's mislaid the keys.

Yeah, I told you, and he's in the kitchen.

Why doesn't she go through the window?

Oh, look, here we go. Select a knife.

Carving knife more clever.

That is all. Oh, you're... Shut up, Sue, and turn the light off.

You see what I mean, Mum? The minute your back's turned, a woman can be

but grief.

Mum, Dad, thank you very much.

It'll obviously be too early for you.

So how was the hairdressers' convention, then?

Well, Mrs. Shirley Pleasure Ambrose has only been offered a job working in one

of the top hair salons in London.

Ta -da!

Buchanan's of Mefair. Oh, really?

Well, that's brilliant.

Oh, wicked, Mum.

So how did that all come about, then? Would you like a cup of tea, Mrs.

Oh, that would be lovely, Louise. Thank you.

Well, I was sitting in the hotel lobby, waiting for your father, as usual.

When this very glamorous woman comes up to me and asks me if my name is Mrs.

Ambrose. Which you denied.

Rule number one, Mum. Deny everything.

Well, at first I thought she was one of your father's friends.

But then she looked like she had better teeth.

She introduced herself as April Buchanan.

She said she was looking for experienced people to teach part -time in a new

hairdressing salon she just opened. And would I be interested?

You hear that, Louise? Maybe we should forget about the job centre and head for

the nearest hotel.

Sorry.

What did you say?

Oh, well, yes, of course.

She's going to call me this week to go over the details and then hopefully the

job will be confirmed.

And you don't mind, Dad?

Mind? Why should I mind?

My wife is her own woman. She can lead her own life.

Surely, where's my slippers?

Jumble, jumble!

That's Swahili from below.

Lee, you're standing in for my duke. As it happens, it's him I'm here to see.

Got a few business matters to sort out. Lee, listen, Swahili's got a speaking

tenure, mate.

The Danby is on the west side of the continent.

Well, it's all Africa, isn't it?

We're doing business with Matthew.

Yeah, a little bit of import -import, Cheryl.

See these?

One of Matthew's uncles knocks them up over there.

Great to wear for work up Mayfair, Cheryl.

Ah, Lee.

A job of me own. Oh, it would be nice, after all these years, bringing up the

family. Bringing up Desmond.

How about you then, pork pie?

One of these, eh?

The women love her, mate.

No buttons, know what I mean?

Well, my apologies for being late, Lee, but I run into a few difficulties

regarding our order for the share. Oh, the workers, they don't strike hard, eh?

No, no, no, nothing like that. Great. So when do we expect our first business

consignment? Next week.

But just one little detail. 50 -50, like I said. Now, I don't wish to be rude,

Lee, but if we're going to do patterns, then you have to learn to listen and not

to interrupt.

Sorry, Matt. Far away.

It's my uncle.

He has decided that we can't have the shirt unless we agree to donate part of

our profit to his conservation charity.

Which is? The Help a Hippo Fund.

I think what Lee had in mind was more like Metabundle for Lee Fund. Are you

trying to sell my charity with this? I'll have you know that me and charity,

we're like that, mate.

Hello.

Hello.

This is a surprise. I wasn't expecting you. Yes, I'm sorry. I know I said I'd

ring, but I hate to admit it, but I actually lost your phone number. There,

inspires your confidence in me now, doesn't it?

Look, can we talk?

I mean, do you have a minute? I hate to inconvenience you, but, well, I see

you're not too busy. Oh, no, no, this is one of our quiet times.

No, no, you won't be inconveniencing us at all.

We can talk upstairs.

I'll put a kettle on.

Mrs. Buchanan, I presume.

Well, it's not the man from the gas boat, is it?

She certainly isn't this. Did you see that look she gave me?

What look was that? Well, I think it was a look of curiosity. Wasn't it, poor

guy?

She's probably never seen anything quite like you.

Who cares?

At least you noticed me.

Why is it that every time an attractive woman comes into this shop, Popeye turns

into a jackass?

Matthew into a gushing schoolboy.

Yes, yes, sir.

This Buchanan lady, it's not the same Buchanan as in Buchanan to Mayfair, is

Uh -huh.

Oh,

you're a mind of information, you are, sir. Come on, guys, it was a big

You sure you never heard about it? Not yet.

We're still waiting.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

How's it going, Cheryl?

All these years bringing up the fun.

Where's Shirley tonight?

I wanted to get her advice on her culinary matter.

She's gone out.

Again. With that Buchanan crowd.

Me with all those young students she mix in with.

Yeah, what, with all those young male students?

That's what's putting a spring in her step these days.

The majority of her students are girls.

That's why she's telling him.

Oh, fine.

Shirley only has eyes for me, and I only have eyes for her.

My wife only had eyes for me, particularly the spare pair she kept in

of her head.

who's going to have to settle for a pretty face over a perfect pizza.

Night, Dave.

Look, who drove the van, set up the stalls and lugged all the boxes? You

but who spent all day in the cafe across the road?

Matthew.

I'm just not cut out for shooting.

Oh, well, Matthew, only profit making, eh?

How did it go, darling?

Oh, don't, Dad, it was dreadful.

You saw what Matthew's uncle sent us, didn't you?

Yeah, well, they're all like this.

Talk about laughing stock. We've sold one shirt all day, and these two can't

even agree on a price. As soon as Lee goes off for a cup of tea, Matthew

the ticket.

Here, there's one present for you. Ah!

A present?

Yes. You said we couldn't give them away. I wanted to prove we could.

Thank you, Matthew.

Oh, I have a very bad headache, actually. I shall have to have an early

Must be the stress of carrying that magnificent business brain around with

Can someone please retort on my behalf? I don't have the energy.

Good night.

Hey, Glo, come on. It's nearly 20 to 7.

Is it? Oh, see you later, folks. See ya.

And I'd better get the van back to Clapham. Hold on.

You going past Creighton Road?

Yeah. Then you can give me a lift.

What's all you know in Creighton Road? Mrs. Lowe.

Mrs. Lowe. Ah, so what, Des? It's only a cheap shop.

It makes me feel so responsible for everything when people call me by my

surname.

If you've come to visit Shirley, you've just missed her. She's gone out with the

girls from your salon.

I know.

You know? Well, of course.

It was me who organized the get -together.

And shouldn't you be there?

Well, yes, but to tell you the truth, Desmond, I really don't feel like a

night out. Is there somewhere I can hang out?

Of course.

Something to drink?

Tea? Coffee?

Fresh coffee? Instant.

No, thanks.

Do you have any rum?

Rum? You want rum?

If you have some, I'd love some, yes.

Rum?

Well, I think I could manage that.

I like it just as it comes.

Pure and unadulterated.

So, um, what brings you here to this neck of the woods just passing through?

I'm here to see you, Deadman.

Oh, so it's more of a crash landing and a flying visit.

Well, I wouldn't put it quite like that.

I'd say that Birmingham with the launch and this...

is the touchdown.

Desmond, aren't you going to kiss me?

Huh?

Desmond Ambrose, you are a hunk.

Uncle keeps sending more and more, which I have to pay for.

Desmond, is it all right to do it this year? Certainly, Matthew. Whatever you

want, be my guest.

Matthew, don't leave your things in the middle of the floor. People might trip

over them.

Sorry, Sharon. No, Desmond, I won't be long, but Mrs. Buchanan might call while

I'm down the shop. Tell her I can do the Thursday, but not the Monday.

Thursday? Right, okay.

You seem to be in a very happy mood today, Desmond. Very what?

you. The sun is up, the sky is clear. Yeah, but it's Monday morning, mate. I

mean, you should be moaning and groaning with the rest of us.

No respect for tradition, mate.

Are we celebrating something?

Oh, my man, Popeye, I'm just dancing the blues.

If you're not careful, that spring in your step will turn into a pacemaker in

your chest.

the woman tucked away somewhere?

Hello?

Desmond Peckham?

This is the first time I've heard your voice on the telephone.

You know what I think?

I think we should boycott this shop until the man sees sense.

Come on, a man. You're just putting two and two together and coming up with

four. I mean six.

Your answer was right the first time round.

I mean, you're just going on the evidence of one man and insufficient

of that.

It could have been a wrong number. No.

No, I don't think so, Des.

Popeye says she definitely wanted to speak to Desmond Ambrose.

Yes.

Well, you can come out of my shop right now.

If you want us to go, I'm afraid you have to use force. That's a very good

I'll get the police force.

Excuse me while I'm at the call.

You better answer it.

It might be a girlfriend.

April's fool.

I thought a man was guilty until proven innocent.

right, especially in your case, Des. Well, I don't know what you're making

this fuss about. I can't help it if some woman comes chasing after me. It's not

just some woman, Des, man.

If your wife's a bar.

In the Gambia, an accused man has three choices.

He can plead guilty or not guilty or guilty with explanation.

What's your explanation, Des? Right.

Well, you better not bother coming back to work tomorrow.

No, no, you're right, Des. We're day off.

Yeah, and besides...

Not until you consult with your partner.

Michael? I don't have to consult, Michael. If I want to sack one of my

will. He's going to ask questions when he finds out Tony's no longer in your

employ. And when Michael asks, we tell.

Bought us a little something.

I don't know why, but Mondays are so boring. I always think they should be

celebrated. Does that make sense?

Where did you park the car?

My car?

It's in the garage.

I took it in for a service this morning.

Why, are you worried someone might recognise it and start putting two and

together? They already have.

They? Who's they? Don't be silly, Desmond. Nobody knows me around here.

soon will.

But not as well as you will, Dee Dee.

Now, what about this bubbly?

You know, I really shouldn't call it that. It's damned expensive stuff, the

Bollinger. Yes.

Seems a shame to waste it.

Waste it? Why should I be wasting it?

Don't tell me you've got cold feet already.

Relax, Desmond.

This is meant to be fun. There's no point in it otherwise.

Now, it'd be nice if we had some glasses.

All the glasses are dirty. I only have one.

Surely we can wash two up.

Oh, the hot water's off. Then mugs it is.

Are you sure you wouldn't prefer a cup of tea?

To a bottle of wine.

Desmond Ambrose, if you're trying to tell me you'd rather I wasn't here, then

please tell me before I pop this cork.

You have three seconds.

One.

Two.

What are you doing? Have you lost something? No, Charlie asked me to fix

dry a week ago. I couldn't find the missing part.

And you found it now, have you? Yes, it was with the mugs.

And you think now is a good time to start fixing it?

Desmond!

Yes, April?

This relationship isn't going anywhere, is it?

No, April.

I just wanted to clear that up before I go.

You realise, of course, this means that as of tomorrow, your wife is no longer

an employee of Buchanan's.

Yes, I do.

So you weren't too desperate for the extra cash.

Funny, I'd have thought otherwise.

You're going?

I don't think you'll be needing any of this.

I can't imagine you and Shirley will have much to celebrate when you tell her

she hasn't got a job anymore.

And no doubt...

You will tell her, won't you, Desmond?

Good night, Desmond Ambrose.

Happy grovelling!

So you're waiting up for me now, like me father?

Well, if you'd like to check your watch, it is 25 past 11.

Cinderella is early.

The ball finished?

No, it's still going on, but I was tired.

Why are you so glum?

Desmond, what's up with you?

I was thinking.

Oh? What about?

You and me.

Oh, reminiscing.

Well, you could say that.

I was thinking about the ups and downs we've had over the past 30 -odd years.

And how come we're still together?

Well,

it's because, Desmond Ambrose, over the past 30 years, I've let you get away

with murder.

But you better take care.

Things are changing around here.

Mrs. Buchanan's been advising me.

And what advice would she give you about cheating husbands?

Well, you mean apart from making sure they go to early grave?

Yes, in the past.

I wouldn't need her advice.

I'd just pack up my bags and I'd be gone.

You wouldn't see me for dust.

Not even taking into account that you've had 30 long years together?

Is it my imagination?

You try to tell me something, Desmond.

I'm trying to tell you something, yes.

Well, I'm keen to hear it, but I could do without all the suspense and the

drama. My idea exactly.

That's why I decided to stop seeing her.

Stop seeing who?

April.

Desmond, what you telling me?

You telling me that while I was out working in that salon, you and Mrs.

Buchanan... Yes.

Yes? I mean, don't get the wrong idea. I mean, we never... That's what I

thought. You sit down there all brazen -faced, telling me you've been having an

affair with my boss. How could I possibly get the wrong idea?

Well, it wasn't so much an affair, more a kind of mild flirtation, mostly

orchestrated by her.

Oh, really? And I suppose you just stood up there and watched her waving her

stick.

So, what it is you want now?

Forgiveness.

I confess all my sins to Shirley.

Now she must forgive me and we can start all over again.

I tell you, Desmond, if it's forgiveness you're looking for, you're out of luck.

I don't know why it should come as such a surprise.

It's not the first time I found out you've been playing around, but I really

thought you'd have grown out of that by now. I should have known better.

Talk, Desmond. I want to talk.

I don't know what to say.

Anything I say will upset you.

All I know is I made a mistake, and I'm sorry.

That's a very high price to pay for a few new friends and a little more self

-confidence, Shirley Ambrose. That's what my mother would have said.

She'd have blamed me for leaving the nest unattended.

Accused me of neglecting my duties as a wife.

You know, I have a sudden urge to find that woman, Carol, and just smash it to

pieces.

Well, I suppose your mother would have accused me of neglecting my duties as a

husband.

You got a crooked

finger and a crooked smile.

But if I didn't like your style, I wouldn't have walked this mile.