Original subtitles

From the long, hot night with an ocean breeze to the damp and to the rain of

London City.

We come from the sun to live in the cold. I'm in Mirama. What's my coconut

Let's keep the music sweet. Why not the western feeling?

Right then, who wants to buy tickets for the charity do at my club?

Oh, Lee, how many more charity do's your club gonna run this week?

As many as you'll buy, Cheryl.

And who's popular to be leaning to, dear Lee?

Homeless, single parent, one -eyed Martians, Des.

No, seriously, it's gonna be a great do. First class cuisine, music for all

tastes, even Matthews. Frank Bruner will be doing a raffle.

There'll be so many prizes.

Maybe a prize for the person who wins the most prizes. Yeah.

Tell me something.

If I was to buy all the rapper tickets you had and you, could I win the one

prize I've wanted ever since I've known you?

I should think so, Des. What is it? That you stop trying to sell us rapper

tickets.

Down me flat for the tunnel.

Well done, Matthew.

Now that you have mastered reading, you can move on to arithmetic.

There's a terrible thing that channel tunnel is going to do. If God wanted us

be a part of Europe, he would have built a tunnel in the first place.

Well, I'm sorry to destroy your theory, Popeye, but in fact, England was one

part of Europe. You see, it was.

The one part of Europe. And that even he realised he made a mistake.

Talk by. How do you expect to get support?

With a slogan spelt like that, nobody will understand it.

Well, er... Ah, well, that's deliberate, Mrs Ambrose. You see, people who don't

understand it will come up and say, what does it mean? You mean to tell me my

daughter's just taken her A -levels? Mark!

Well, that sign is a mockery.

Well, I hope your exam results will be better than that. Of course they will

Well, Pogpire, I think you need a more effective way of making your feelings

felt. I do? Yes.

In the Gambia, we say, why wash your smalls in your back garden when you can

wash your dirty underwear in public?

Matthew, you certainly have a way with words, don't you?

What this means is, instead of just parading that run locally, you do much

better by writing a strong letter to a national newspaper.

And what paper are you talking about?

The Financial Times, of course.

That's how to reach the kind of people who are investing in the Channel Tunnel.

You think the Financial Times is going to print a letter by pork pie of

With my help, they might.

I don't need your help to write. I can write for myself.

Well, I've yet to see the day when a letter in a newspaper changed anything.

Oh, Desmond, but he's got to do something.

I mean, how would you feel if after living in your flat for 30 years, you

suddenly get a notice through your letterbox saying, because of a tunnel

built 100 miles away, they're going to knock it down?

Yeah, man.

They're always complaining about how awful the estate is. I mean, all that,

that is different.

Them don't have to knock it down.

They all fall out and buy, I say.

Yeah, on the one hand, you have large areas of land populated by very few, so

they decide to tunnel under that. On the other hand, you have the densely

populated, built -up areas.

They decide to knock them down to build an overground rail link. Oh, it don't

make no sense.

Oh, it makes perfect sense to the planners, because they live in the large

populated by a very few.

So, what we have to do is put Popeye's feelings into FT language.

Oh, that's easy. Fighting the tunnel.

Hefty. Fighting the tunnel.

Ah, forget it.

What's that?

Oh, Gloria!

Oh, no. Gloria Ambrose felt English politics and art.

But Gloria...

You're not even going to pass one.

Oh.

I'm sorry, darling.

Well, I suppose part of this is due to you and Louise spending too much time

recently championing good causes when the real cause you should have been

fighting was passing your exams.

I did spend time on my own work. I worked hard.

Did my best.

Maybe your best ain't good enough.

Maybe exams are not for you.

What are you trying to say, Mum?

Well, I'm just saying, Gloria, that maybe you're wasting your time with

exams and maybe you'd be better off getting a job. A job? You're supposed to

encourage me.

You think I'm thick, don't you?

I didn't say that. And I never will. I'm just expressing an opinion.

But your father's opinion will be heaven knows.

Sean to the station for this biology field trip. He'll be back soon.

Oh, good.

Oh, Gloria.

It's not the end of the world.

Thanks, Mum.

Mum, you do us a favour.

Oh, don't worry. I won't tell your father.

I'll leave that one to you.

And about that little matter about me passing them.

Well, I haven't.

Sorry.

What? You want me to speak louder?

I ain't passed.

Useless.

Listen, pups, just rest up. Let me chat to you while I'm there.

That won't do either.

Oh, Dad, I'm going to come clean. I've been mean. I

don't

want to hear how brilliant you've done and how you didn't have to work hard for

it. People like you make me sick.

I'm sorry, Glor.

You didn't pass, did you?

Grade A in deduction, failure intact, Louise.

Gloria,

are

we still friends?

I really am sorry about your exam results.

I'm going there, Gloria.

I'm going, Gloria.

I'm going.

What was that, Lee?

That's great, Des. Well, drastic.

Drastic? I'll give you a drastic bill, then.

Why, then?

Who's going to buy the last 12 tickets for my dinner and dance?

How many do you have in the first place?

12.

I'll tell you what I'll do, right?

They're 20 quid each, eh? You give me a 20 quid bonus, and I'll let you have a

pair for 10 quid each. How about that, then?

There's a cat in there somewhere. Think about it. I'll wait here till you think

about it. Do you mind?

We are trying to write a letter, and you're disturbing our collective train

thought. All right, OK.

What have you got to say to them big financials, Pope?

Here are my demands.

Number one, they must not build a tunnel through my flat.

Number two...

There's no number two yet.

Come on, Popeye, you might get him in the arts of the nation with statements

like that, now, won't you?

Next! No, wait a minute.

Popeye, listen.

You have to make it simple and direct.

Um, dear editor, I am a widower living at number one... 113 Dogmart House,

Peckham, London, Southeast 15, 40X.

Yes. You don't need the postcode.

My...

and has been the center of my universe for the last 30 years. Now, 30 years is

too short. Make it 60 years. Hey, if I live there that long, I'll be dead.

Oh, my. Do you want us to write your letter or not?

You write yours, and I'll write mine. Thank you, Shirley.

That can have a word. Of course, darling. What is it?

In private.

Charlie, we're too late. We're busy.

Yeah, well, it's just that I've gone to... I let you look at the cricket last

night, boy, on television.

I tell you, West Indies cricket team, like, they've gone west. I don't know

around with them. I mean, when they had box men like Warren Weeks and Walcott, I

mean, then we... Hey, child, Vanessa, darling. Ah, Tony, darling.

Mwah, mwah.

What brings you here today? I mean, our appointment is until tomorrow.

I'm on to a photographic session, and I need a bit of oomph.

Only you can do.

Are you going to have a bit of oomph, Frederick?

Sit down, Vanessa, while these fair hands caress you. Thanks, darling.

Yes, I'm hatching, you old bird!

Gloria Ambrose, you old tart!

So,

you two know each other, then? No, we're total strangers.

Well, here's a stranger that'd like to meet this stranger.

Leave, Vanessa, Vanessa, leave.

Charmed.

Yeah, get off.

I don't know where your mouth's been.

What happened to you then?

Well, when I left school... Here, you're not still there, are you? Yeah. You're

not. Anyway, when I left school, one became a model, darling. You really did?

Yeah. Didn't get many jobs to begin with, then he really took off. Look,

flown all over the world these days.

Far east.

Middle East.

Bahamas.

It's getting a bit boring now. Oh, I'm sure it is.

Here, you should give it a go, you know.

You're not bad looking.

And Franco Rinelli, my photographer, always looking for models.

Who thought you were out of portfolio?

Not me a model.

Gotta be joking.

Ah.

You met a really good model, Gloria.

What, really?

There you go, darling.

And you can get that idea out of your head. You see the benefits of an

education, Popeye? My daughter doesn't have to be a model. She can be anything

she wants. Doctor, lawyer, she have big ambitions.

Get a degree and go to university.

I mean, look, I don't want to embarrass you, but I mean, that one has only got

one thing going for her. Ain't a bad thing either, this.

You can choose, Gloria. I mean, if you want to be a model, after you've got

levels and your degree, that's up to you. You'll have something to fall back

Oh, by the way, how did you get on with your mocks?

Had the results done yet?

Yeah.

I failed them all.

You did what?

All of them?

How could you fail that?

All you've got to do is draw.

I mean, nowadays you don't even have to do that. Just chuck a pile of bricks in

the middle of the room.

How could you fail that? It's not as simple as that, Dad. Exams are not meant

be simple.

Oh, she just took Mum's advice and got a job. Mum's what?

Got a job?

I don't know what to do.

There's no need to shout, Desmond. If you want to talk to me, then do it in an

orderly fashion.

Orderly? All right, I'll order you upstairs, my good man.

After you, Shirley.

Thank you, Desmond.

And I'm not finished with you yet, young lady.

Don't worry, Gloria.

I've failed a good few exams in my time. Yeah, that's why he's still a student

at the age of 100.

Anybody think you just killed the Pope?

Worse than that.

Killed their dreams.

You see, I know you talk to me first.

Okay.

Now that we've broken the ice, may we start this day again, only this time

pleasantly? Pleasantly.

All right.

Good morning, Desmond. Good morning, Shirley.

Did you sleep well? Oh, yes, thank you, Shirley, in Sean's bedroom.

Well, if you behave childishly, you deserve to be treated like a child. Ah.

That was low. I feel that right here.

What happened to the pleasantly?

All right. Okay.

We both behave childishly.

But I think you're a bit hard on Gloria, you know.

You ought to apologize to her.

She should apologize to me. After all, it's she that failed her exams, not me.

Don't you think she knows that?

Aren't you telling the whole of Peckham when he rubbed salt into the wound?

I didn't tell the whole of Peckham.

Just a few friends.

And Tony.

And some customers.

Anyway, it's my shop.

Stubborn old fool.

Now, you go and make it up to your daughter. Otherwise, she might become

something worse than a model or a topless dancer.

What can be worse than that? A resentful teenager.

If it weren't so early, I couldn't believe me eyes.

If it weren't so early, I could open mine.

Why didn't I have to start this early in the morning?

Well, apart from sneaking past your old man, Franco Rinelli's given me a special

discount for off -peak hours.

He's sorting you out before his regulars.

Lee, you did check him out, didn't you?

Well, don't let your dad, Glor. I told you.

With Tony's grooming and my management, we're a team.

Come on, Glor, you've got to go for it, girl. You've really got to go for it. I

mean, look at that figure.

Yeah.

I know.

Tony,

darling.

How about one for luck, then?

I've always wanted to do that.

What about me?

Don't know where your mouth's been.

Well, this is ridiculous.

It doesn't seem to be here.

The trouble with this newspaper is everything looks the same. I can't find

letter either.

Well, perhaps, Matthew, they don't like your style.

Or more probably didn't like what I was saying.

Exactly, sir. Are you sure you're right?

Of course I am.

Being an organized man, I made a photocopy of the letter before I took it

by hand.

Dear sir, in view of the sizable capital investment in the channel tunnel and

its affiliated rail links...

I feel it incumbent upon those of us who reside within the pale years of the

civic redevelopment... Oh,

poor pie.

I'm sorry, but your letter is not in today's FT.

Oh? No, I'm sorry. I did try.

Well, you know what they say.

No FT.

No comment.

Never mind. I expect it will be in tomorrow's, eh, Matthew?

Yes. There may be no need tomorrow.

Why, you planning to kick the bucket?

Kindly turn to page eight.

flat for the tunnel.

Yours, Popeye Grant of Peckham. Oh, right.

How did you manage that?

I wrote it myself and thrown it in last night.

Well, Popeye, I'm ashamed of you writing a letter in that newspaper.

The paper that everybody reads but nobody admits to buying.

Well, my message is for the masses.

Well, nobody I know reads that run.

Oh, boy.

I've just cut you out of me will.

Why, what have I done? Just bought a copy of that, mate.

Oh, what is?

I didn't buy it. I was selling tickets in a cab. It was lying on the table.

Wait a minute.

There is a lead -up of a pork pie's letter.

What? It says, today the voice of the little man is heard throughout the land.

Pensioner Pork Pie puts it pithily for Peckham.

Grab this, Whitehall.

The man in them streets say them can't do that.

English newspapers were the envy of the world. Now they're a joke. I mean, what

kind of journalist would write, grab this?

Oh, I wouldn't mind grabbing this.

History? I mean, what kind of man takes these pictures?

Franco Rinelli, he can't be a proper photographer.

Franco Rinelli? You know what I mean? Sort of.

You would, wouldn't you? Excuse me, I've got to see a man about a dog.

Get nutted, you pervert.

Next time...

brother onto you.

He's got a decent job.

He doesn't try to take your clothes off.

Oh, and here's the other pervert. What, are you coming stereo now, do you?

I'm really sorry.

Come on, I'll take you home.

But, Gloria, I didn't know. I trusted you. I put my faith in you and I was

really upset and now you've let me down.

But I came as soon as I could.

Go away and leave me alone.

Oh, come on, babe.

I said I'm sorry.

What more do you want, eh?

I want you to leave me alone.

Officer,

that man's trying to proposition me to get in his car.

Gloria, you can't.

Oh, would you please arrest him for curb -calling and sexual harassment?

Listen, mate, I can explain. There's been a terrible mix -up. I'll tell you

happened. I wasn't doing anything wrong. Do I look like a pervert? Come on.

Just a minute, man. Hold on.

Yes, yes.

You want to interview me?

On the air?

Super.

What time will you send us a call?

7 p .m.

I'll be here at Desmond's barbershop, Peckham.

No, I don't live there. No, I'll be there having my weekly manicure.

Cheers.

Desmond, your celebrity trim and shave, please.

Man, it's only a radio. Man, I still want to look good on it.

There's no point putting on eyes and graces, Popeye. They want you to be

yourself, the common man.

Excuse me.

So, well, what happened to Lee? You won't be seeing him for a while. For a

while? What's happened to him? The same thing that should have happened to you.

Oh, no.

Look, I just popped in to say I'm really sorry. No, I'm sorry. Look, will you do

me a favour?

Yeah, what?

Will you coach me for the exams? I don't intend to fail again.

Oh, Gloria, we missed you at breakfast.

Are you all right? Yeah, I'm all right, thank you. Come.

Desmond, haven't you got something to say to your daughter?

No.

Desmond, I think you want to apologise to Gloria.

I do?

You do.

Step this way, my little sugarplum.

Where are you going? Somewhere a bit more private. You humiliated Gloria in

public, so you make it up to her in public.

Dear Gloria, I am sorry about my outburst.

I don't know about my outburst.

I do sometimes fly off the handle.

I don't sometimes fly off the handle.

And I have been known to behave like a perfect idiot.

To behave like a perfect idiot.

It's all right, Dad. You just take after me.