All language subtitles for Desmonds s02e07 Porkpies.eng

From the long hot night with an ocean
breeze to the damp and to the rain of

London City.

We come from the sun to live in the
cold. I'm in the room, I want my coconut

tree.

Let's keep the music sweet, wind up your
waist and feel the edge of the car.

Oh. Why don't you go to the emergency
dentist?

Just a tart of dentist.

Give me two take.

Yes, I know what you mean.

But I suppose they're a necessary evil.
You call them necessary, I call them

evil. I mean, what nice, respectable
person wants to be a dentist?

Ah, come on, there's no nice,
respectable people. Listen, I haven't

a dentist yet who is a hooligan. You
haven't met mine.

Oh, my goodness, Sean.

What happened to you? You just come from
the dentist.

I tripped over ice skating.

Sean. No, Mum, it's the truth. And I
fell off Mount Everest and survived.

Don't be ridiculous, Dad.

And I suppose somebody dragged you into
the ice by your collar.

No, no, we both fell down and he hung on
to my collar.

And it's when we tried to get back up
that the bag ripped. Listen, I think

Sean's trying to say, Dave, is that he
walked into a lamppost. Now, listen,

we've all done that once or twice in our
time, haven't we, mate?

Is that why you're so stupid, Tony?

Now you sit down there until you
remember what happened. Well, you know

happened. No.

What happened, darling?

I walked into a lamppost, didn't I?
That's it. You're grounded. For a week.

make it two.

Sean, you've been the puncher.

Well, I saw you. You gave him up on me.
Oh, yeah, pork pie. Well, next time, you

pick on someone your own size, yeah?

Good afternoon, everyone.

Good afternoon.

Listen, I've got a bit of news. News?
Oh, great. I love news. What's your

Matthew? Sean, I want to hear your news
first.

All right, if I tell you what really
happened, will you change my prison

sentence? All right. Three weeks, four
weeks, five weeks. All right. I got into

a fight.

Well, why didn't you say so in the first
place? Because I knew you'd get angry.

Did you seriously think you could get
away with lying?

Why not? I've got away with it in the
past.

Son of mine.

Oh, come on, Des.

Everybody tells pork pies.

Nobody tells me anything.

Pork pies is totally rhyming for lies,
isn't it?

Yeah. I mean, we've all got to be a bit
economic with the truth on occasions,

you know, get us out of a spot of
bother. Aren't we, Cheryl?

I mean, what was the biggest what were
you ever told, eh?

I came home once with a rip in me best
dress.

And when me father said, how did you
come upon this rip?

My father was a preacher, you see.

I said to him, Father, I was on my way
home and I saw this ghost start running

to the church and I kneeled down and I
prayed as hard as I could. And when I

finished praying, I stood up and caught
me dressed on a nail in the pew.

And he believed me.

Well, I don't. What really happened?

Give me time, I'll think of something.

What was your biggest poke pie, poke
pie?

Oh, I got away with more by telling the
truth.

The truth?

Yeah, you know, my wife always called me
a liar.

So when I spent the whole day on the
beach with her cousin Winnie, I told

and she didn't believe a word of it.

What about you, Matthew?

In the Gambia, we don't tell lies.

On occasion, we embroider the truth.

We tell people what they want to know,
which brings me to the matter in hand.

Tomorrow, My sister Florence is arriving
from the Gambia to visit me.

She's bringing with her her stuck -up
husband, who's also called Matthew.

You mean there's two of you?

Matthew is a very popular name in my
hometown.

It's a pity it's not the same here.

The point is, some years ago, I started
correspondence to my family, saying that

I was beginning to be a businessman and
would have to study longer in England,

you know, to keep pace with growing
trends.

I rented part of my house and sent the
money back home. You know, just to show

how well I was doing.

I have, as we say, embroidered the
truth.

Now they are arriving tomorrow.

And knowing my busybody bigoted sister
and her pompous little husband, they

demand to meet some of my business
partners.

What am I going to do?

Well, Matthew, you know what they say. A
friend in need is a pain in the...

Desmond!

And you are no exception.

Have no fear.

Desmond is here.

Let me introduce you to your two new
business partners.

What? Have you met Mr. Anthony Belmont
-Smith?

Oh, how do you do? It'll be a pleasure
doing business with you, sir. And Mr.

Luther. Luther Vanderbilt III.

At your service, boy.

You don't have to go that far. A British
accent will do.

Oh, come on, Tess. I always wanted to
play an American. No.

All right, then.

Lawrence Vanderbilt.

Mrs. Bellman -Spythe and Vanderbilt will
form the reception committee at

Matthew's favorite haunt. What, here?

Oh, no, no, no. Somewhere more
appropriate where you can get an

have a progress report on Matthew's
business ventures. Yeah, but, Dad... And

then back to the Ambrose Salon for tea
and a bit more embroidery. Dad,

you just told me I can't lie. I mean,
isn't this one big lie?

No, no, no, son. I mean, this is just
the kind of games that grown -ups play.

Don't worry about it.

I know that Sterling's weak, so put it
in yen instead.

Yeah. Oh, wonderful, wonderful.

Do you really look the part with that
phone?

It ain't real, it's plastic.

Here, have one.

Look, I know the bag he looks in at the
moment, but that's the sack you're

wearing, isn't it? Yeah, look, I know.

I ain't got a suit, all right?

I bought it off my mate. He's very big
in the city.

It's very big everywhere.

Right, now, we've got to get this
straight, right? What line of business

dealing in? Yeah, well, I thought I'd go
for the money market.

You can't do that. I was going to do
that.

Oh, no, come on, man. I've done a lot of
research into this. Oh, you like what?

Well, I watched the money programme last
night and... Yeah, yeah.

All right.

I'll be in equities.

What are equities?

Well, I don't know. Well, whatever they
are, I'm dealing in them.

Yeah, no, Mr Flores.

Well, I'm sure they're in somewhere.

What sort of place is this, Matthew?

It is called a wine bar.

You drink while you walk?

Hello. Ah, here are my business
associates.

Yeah. Mr. Florence and Matthew.

I would like you to meet... Anthony
Belmont -Smythe. How wonderful to meet

Yes.

One minute.

Yes, get my secretary to deal with it.

Well, you know where you can put your
footsie. Yep.

Yep. Talk to me later.

Goodbye.

Sorry, how terribly rude of me.

Lawrence. Lawrence Vanderbilt.

Matthew has told me so much about you.
What have you been saying, Matthew?

Oh, most of it good, I assure you. So,
Matthew, these are your business

associates? Yup.

Yup. Yup, yup, yup.

They're yuppies.

They're a bit young, aren't they?

In Megambia, in order to be a successful
businessman like myself, one really

must be of respectable age and stature.

Do you see?

This boy hasn't even grown enough to fit
into a suit.

Sir Matthew. Yes?

Yes, I understand that you're in London
for business as well as pleasure.

Yes, there is an opening in our London
office.

Do you see?

My husband is an accountant.

And what do your friends do?

Well, I dibble -dabble in the money
market.

And I scruble -scrabble in equities.

You don't want to buy any, do you? No. I
also do a nice line in electric irons.

How much?

To you, a tenner. We'll take two dozen.
We're done.

Well, let's dish, shall we? Yes, yes,
let's.

Tell me, what would you like to drink?

Well, I'll have a large... It's not a
drink for him, and a water for me

the bubbles.

What, I shouldn't have... bubbles. Don't
you agree?

Yes.

Well, I've got the drinks.

Very good.

Lawrence, may I use your phone? Yes.

I'm afraid you can't.

Why ever not?

I mean, Matthew is our guest.

Yes.

It's one o 'clock. It's lunchtime. The
operators go to lunch at one and they

shan't be back until three.

Desmond. Well, Mr.

Florence and Matthew McFarlane, I would
like you to meet Desmond Ambrose and his

family. Nice to meet you, Matthew.

Do call me Mr.

McFarlane.

Sorry, Mr. McFarlane. Mrs. McFarlane,
this is my wife, Shirley.

How do you do?

Perfectly well, thank you.

And this is my daughter, Gloria.

Hello.

his son, Sean.

Welcome to London, sir.

Very nice.

It is gratifying to see West Indians
acknowledging their roots.

Wonderful African craftsmanship, do you
think? Oh, no. A woman makes them in a

store there at Peckham Arcade.

They're all the rage, sir. You could
start a trend in your country.

Whatever that woman does them for, I
could do them for cheaper.

Six dozen. Done.

Lawrence, some drinks, please.

Would you like to try some of our West
Indian cuisines, Lawrence?

I don't think so, thank you.

One has to be careful what one eats on
foreign trips.

Mrs McFarlane, would you care for a
glass of Peckham Plunk?

I would like to propose a toast and
extend a hand of friendship to Matthew,

McFarlane. and his charming wife,
Florence.

I would like to toast the owner of this
excellent barbershop, my brother

Matthew. Here, here.

But, Matthew, they think we work for
you.

What more can I say, Desmond? I have
said I am sorry.

I must have mentioned in a letter some
time ago that I came to the shop

regularly, but I don't think they
thought I owned it. Well, they do, and

just have to tell them that you don't. I
can't do that.

Don't think I've been lying.

Where has he been embroidering? Matthew,
why can't Africans tell straightforward

lies like everybody else?

Desmond, Shirley, please, keep up the
pretense for me while they're still

What time you said they were coming this
morning?

I don't know, Cheryl. They just said to
meet them here.

But, Popeye, I thought you went to the
dentist yesterday.

It hurt so much I couldn't get there.

Since when did the two takes stop
anybody going to the dentist?

Have you ever tried walking when you're
in agony?

All you could do is jump up and down to
keep your mind off the pain.

Now, listen.

We've got to fill you in about
yesterday.

Matthew's sister and their shop.

Amalia's. Yes, well, when Matthew's
sister and her... We thought we'd drop

early. We have a lot to do today.

Boy, Matthew, you may never see you jump
up so quick.

Matthew's big sister used to give you
licks when you were young.

This is Porkpie, a regular.

Porkpie, my sister Florence.

Why?

I never thought the man as ugly as you
could have a sister as good -looking as

this. You don't mind, do you?

So you are a regular, are you?

Regular's clockwork.

You can always find our bottoms on these
chairs, eh, Matthew? Yes, yes, yes,

Porkpie. Since you've retired, we've let
you come into... Come into the shop to

help us when you're needed.

Yes. Ask me, give me, you know, odd jobs
to do. Yes, like right now. Come,

Porkpie. I want to have a word with you.

Tell Popeye about Matthew owning the
shop.

Yeah, but you said I mustn't lie. I
wanted to tell him, though.

That's right. It's a lie today, but not
yesterday.

Just tell him.

Tea and coffee, anybody?

Yes, please. A real African coffee,
please.

Popeye's and tea and coffee for our
guests. No, it's all right. I'll get it.

It'll have to be West Indian instant,
I'm afraid. Very well. If instant means

the same thing as quick.

Now, what I would like to do today is
look at the books.

The books?

The accounts, Matthew.

Oh, the books.

Where did I put them?

I think you put them over there,
Matthew.

We are worried about you, Matthew.

You have entrusted your business to
these West Indians.

How do you know we can trust them? Do
you see?

Well, they've been very good. But I'm
not sure I like their manner.

I think you would have to insist that
they call you sir.

You cannot have the boss and the
employees on first -name terms.

Otherwise, they think you are equal.

My sister, this was... Mr. Desmond!

I must insist that from now on, you call
my brother sir.

Sir?

Yes, sir.

I don't think I'm granted any longer, do
you?

If I have the owner's permission, I'd
like to sit down.

At least for five. What is wrong with
your face?

To take.

Why don't you go to the dentist?

Oh, I tried.

Come here.

I'll fix it for you.

Yes,

it's a little something the traditional
doctor taught me. That sounds dangerous

to me.

Don't be so small -minded.

Even your Prince Charles believes in
alternative medicine. Go sit over there.

Now, open your mouth.

Which side does it hurt?

This side.

Now, I want you to concentrate on my
fingers.

Do you see?

Close your eyes and concentrate.

Two, three.

Four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
ten.

Gone.

You see?

It's gone.

The pain is gone.

Why, Prince Charles is right.

You should still see a dentist.

Now, the books.

I want to talk to your wife. Did she go
this way? Yes, she's upstairs.

Thank you.

Does your family live on the premises?

Yes.

I hope you charge them enough for rent,
Matthew.

Right, Matthew.

I would like you to take me through
these books.

Well, um... Doug's mother has been doing
the books lately.

Isn't that right?

Yes.

But a financial advisor has been fine
-tuning them a bit.

Oh, so we have a financial advisor.

I hope he's from a reputable firm,
Matthew.

Yes.

He's from a big bank.

I think.

Mr McFarlane, let me introduce you to
our financial advisor, who happens to

the same surname as myself. Mr Ambrose,
this is Sir Matthew's brother -in -law,

who happens to have the same name as
Matthew, sir.

How do you do, Mr McFarlane? Oh, please
do call me Matthew.

Yes, um, Matthew.

Yes?

What do I do? The honor of this visit.

Well, um... Ah,

the books.

At last, an intelligent person who will
guide me through these books. Tell me,

what position do you hold here?

Well, I'm president of the bank. Farther
than you ever thought you'd get.

Now, I need to be satisfied that my
brother -in -law's books are in order.

Is the business... efficiently run?

Is the manager here capable of the job?
And what sort of changes could one

implement in order to improve
efficiency?

Do you see?

Well, yes.

I'd like to start with the manager's
position.

I still think there's room for
improvement.

You see, he has a tendency to run things
his own way.

He's a little set in his ways, you see.
He doesn't take advice particularly

well. He can be stubborn.

But all in all, he's the best man for
the job.

As for changes, I always thought the
owner didn't like changes.

You don't like changes, Matthew?

Well, I don't mind them.

Why don't you leave this to us, sir, and
I'll see what answers I can provide for

Mr. McFarlane. Yes, a very good idea.

Come on, Desmond, let's go.

Yes, sir!

I think we have to discuss some of your
attitude problems which my financial

advisor just raised.

Out.

She's getting to you, isn't she? No,
she's not.

Don't have to put up with me. Time to
get lost. It's your shop.

Shelley, I want to talk to you. What is
it now?

You don't like the bathroom?

I need to speak to you alone.

This is Gloria's home, too, you know.

Whatever you have to say can be said in
front of my daughter.

Very well.

I want to know about Matthew's love
life. Gloria, I think you'd better take

study so you're better.

I've always missed that on a coffee.

Now... I

don't know anything about Matthew's love
life.

Whatever Matthew chooses to do with his
love life is up to him. What I want to

know is, is he seeing anybody at the
moment?

Oh, no.

Matthew's a married man.

That's what I'm worried about, you see.

Gambian men are most averse to picking
up an extra woman here and there.

That's true of most men.

Gloria, go to your room. Oh, Mom.

You know what our biggest fear was?

Uh -uh. That he would abandon his
Gambian wife for someone foreign.

You mean like a West Indian?

we talk, the more I discover we share so
many thoughts.

You're so sensible.

For someone living in the Western world.

What do you think, Gloria?

Very nice. It is, isn't it?

You see, Shirley, there's quite an act
of plaiting and weaving here.

It would be nice to think that Matthew's
shop had a reputation for African

artistry. But still, that's enough.

Look, I've had enough of you and your
superior manner.

You ain't no better than me, you know.

As a matter of fact, I am better than
you because this is my... Now, please,

not to lose your temper.

Temper? I wouldn't lose breath on you.

Charlie is a good woman, Matthew. I like
her a lot. I like her fire, her

passion. We need more women like her in
Africa.

Come on.

Hear that, sir, Matthew?

We need more West Indian women in
Africa.

John, what happened?

I twisted my ankle ice skating, ma 'am.
Yes, and I'm not standing here or

cutting this man's hair.

Oh, ma 'am, sit down, the man of a
cutter here.

Yeah, and I did twist my ankle ice
skating.

You're not accusing me of lying, are
you? Because if you are... Ah, no, no,

no, no, no.

Sit down and rest your ankles. Rest
down, Popeye, rest down.

Ah, there you are. You put up your foot
there.

Here you are, Miss Nightingale.

Two dozen electric irons.

Where would you like them?

Splendid. Put them over there.

Don't you think it's about time you told
your sister the truth?

Well, I have thought about it, and I
have thought about it. I think he's

Look at this place. It's turning into a
circus.

In you come, Mr. McFarlane. Yep.

Yep.

Yep, yep, yep.

Okay, Augustus, I think I have to hang
up now. It is one o 'clock, and I think

the operator will be going for her
lunch.

England,

you see?

Florence, Matthew, there is something.

I've come to a decision.

Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to
say a few words. The shop

is doing fine.

It is not making great profits, but they
are not ripping you off, Matthew. In

fact, Michael here showed me a few
tricks even I didn't know.

So, on behalf of Florence and myself, I
would like to say that under the

management of Desmond here, with all his
faults, the shop is being efficiently

run, and we will certainly tell them so
back home.

Do you see?

Can I say something, ma 'am? Yes, I
would like to say... I would like to say

that your family has shown so much
loyalty to my brother Matthew that I'm

sure... It won't be long before he
offers you the opportunity to own your

own shop.

Oh, that's a very generous offer.

I think I'll have this one.

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