Original subtitles

a no -win situation.

The place is completely surrounded.

Come up with your hands above your head.

You come any closer and she's dead.

From the long old night with an ocean breeze to the damp and to the rain of

London City.

We come from the sun to live in the call I'm in near of my what? My coconut

tree.

Look,

don't mess up my hair with that gun.

Excuse me.

I'll give it a blow dryer when all this is done.

What are they doing?

Then I ain't nothing but a looks of things. They must be doing something.

straight up. Well, if they don't do something, then I got to do something

because I want to go home.

It'll soon be six o 'clock and I have me medicine to take.

Am I sure that fish in my bag defrosted by now?

What am I going to say to Cuthbert when I get in and his dinner's not ready?

Sorry, dear, no dinner tonight because I held up.

Mr. and Mr. Post Office robbers. They're ready.

What? Shut up.

What do you intend to do with us, eh?

You can't hold us here indefinitely.

Them is real policemen out there with real guns.

And this is a real gun, and the fun and games have only just begun.

Louise, get me a pen and some paper.

What for?

A ransom note, that's what.

A ransom note? What do you think this is, the movies?

Yeah. I'm Eddie Murphy, and he's Humphrey Bogart.

In all the barber shops, in all the towns, in all the world.

And you've got to walk into mine.

Blow dry it again, sir.

Don't encourage them, Desmond. I'm just humouring them, surely.

Well, I thought that was rather good.

We Africans appreciate sophisticated jokes.

Oh, yeah?

Like what? Well, like a bird in hand makes a terrible mess.

So, what are your demands, then?

Uh, you mean apart from two blondes and a holiday in Ibiza?

Oi, oi, oi, put me down for that. And me, Sian.

Cut me out, I forgot.

How do you spell Ibiza? Is it one Z or two?

You're not, are you?

Yeah, why not?

Plus getaway car and passport.

Have you got one?

Yeah, have you?

No, that's why I'm asking for one.

Half a million in the Swiss bank.

Some pears won't go amiss.

Oh, yes, please.

Pears all round then? A bottle of rum for me. I don't drink beer.

Well,

I could get accustomed to the taste.

Can I have a Coke?

Yeah, how about some crisps and some dry roasted peanuts?

Oh, can I have a bottle of mineral water?

And a carton of orange juice?

Oh, can I have a chicken chow mein with roasted chestnuts?

Yeah, hold on a minute. What do you think I am, a bleeding waiter?

This is a ransom note, not a takeaway menu.

You, come here.

The name's Sean, Bob.

Come here, you little git.

Look, leave my son alone.

Don't you ever call me Bob again, right? My name's Robert.

Yo, chill out, man. It's just a name.

No, it's not.

Don't give this note to the egg either.

You, and only you, will buy the food. Is that clear?

Just in case the old bull spike it, all right?

Right.

I'm not the gunman.

Of course you can, son.

Aye, I, uh, put a ransom note.

Which one of you is that geezer, then?

Holiday in Ibiza.

I'm surprised they don't want to cruise round the Caribbean.

Hey, I'll do something with that, will you, George?

All right, we'll sort it out, son.

They want me to buy the food.

Yeah, well, when you get back, report to me.

Go with him, will you, George?

Er, what's happening, sir? Yeah, man, what?

Armed raid turned sour.

Hostage situation.

What? Gunmen held up Desmond?

What are they, stupid or something? He hasn't got any money.

This is your beat, isn't it, Nev? Yeah.

What's the SP on the family? Oh, well, Desmond and Shirley Ambrose, three kids,

Michael and Sean and Gloria, part -time hairdresser Tony, nice family.

Thank you, Nev.

You said that without... Without moving his lips, yeah.

Who is this joker?

Him.

He's a friend of the family's, though.

Lee, if hostages is your game... Diplomacy is my middle name. At your

Sarge.

Inspector.

Yeah.

He could be quite helpful, sir.

Me and the law, we're like that, aren't we, Nev?

I'm here to be as helpful as I possibly can, Sarge.

You know, we might be some of you, so you can't think what, but you never

We agree to the majority of your demands and we'll endeavour to line these up as

soon as possible.

However, as a sign of good faith, you must release some of the hostages.

What do they mean, good faith?

They haven't given us anything, so why should we show them good faith?

Because that's how you play the game of good faith. You've given them a ransom

note, they want something back in return.

I can always write them another note.

Play the game by the rules we have so far.

That's because you had no choice.

All right, it's your game, I won't play anymore.

We'll play by the rules.

How about you, love? You've been moaning the longest. What were your pills and

all? Who, me?

You go and release me? Yes, you, Beverly.

No, I don't want to go.

I don't want me knocking.

Beverly, cut butter on your son. Cut butter on your son? It's about time they

learned to cook their own dinner.

We've got to choose somebody.

How about him?

Yeah.

Looks like you've been elected.

Excuse me.

You've been using that phone for the last five years.

What's your name?

Who, me?

Yes, you.

Lewis. Lewis?

Yeah.

All right, Lewis.

You're free to go.

I want it back, Lewis. Okay, okay.

Okay, come out slowly.

If anyone calls, I'm out.

Since we're going to be here for a while, we might as well chill out.

Anybody fancy a game of dominoes? Why not?

I fancy a game to keep my mind occupied.

I didn't know you had a mind to keep occupied, pork pie.

That's not you.

It's the one I use to beat you at dominoes.

Come in.

What do you think... make the game a bit more interesting.

Don't you find this interesting?

I've never played dominoes with an armed robber before.

Well, you know, swing the pot, play for money.

You took all our money, remember?

Oh, yeah.

You see that? They're playing dominoes with my money.

Tommy, you couldn't do us a favour?

What's that, darling?

Give us a trim and we'll mark the end off. You have been promised a price.

all right. My pleasure.

I think we'll have to wash it better.

No, I'll do that. Give me something to do. Oh, thanks, girl.

Well, Beverly, what are we going to do to occupy ourselves?

About a copy of this month's Woman's Own.

I always like to look at the problem page. Oh, fine.

Stay clear, Raina. How can I get rid of unwanted gunmen?

here are two possible entrances. One through the bathroom and one through

Gloria's bedroom.

Can I go back in now? One minute.

Oh, will you fix the negotiator?

No, you're not. Leroy Smart, London calling.

Leroy Smart, London calling.

That's right.

Move.

Cor, you don't look different than you do on the TV.

Do I really?

Yeah, fatter.

Thanks a lot.

Look, Smart, press over there behind the ropes. I'll talk to you when I've got

something to say.

So,

They've wheeled you in to do the usual black interest angle, have they? If it's

black or short or small, Leroy Smart can do it all.

Can I go back in there?

In a minute.

Are you one of the hostages?

Yeah, I'm Sean Ambrose. Can I do an interview? Not here, you can't. Over

OK.

Right, then.

I'll need a volunteer.

Well... Leisure, man, sir.

Are they covered?

Right now, I have with me Sean Ambrose. And Lee.

Sean, what are the conditions in the shop?

Well, Robert and Lloyd think they're big, but... Robert and Lloyd?

Are they the names of the gunmen?

Yeah, my sister went to school with them.

Marlow School, Deptford. Right. Wonderful, Sean. Thank you. Can I say

my mate?

Certainly. Uh, hello.

Special request, get out to Marcia Davis. Okay, cut, cut. Thank you.

Is Marcia your girlfriend?

She will be when she sees me on telly.

Uh, can you play this for us? What is it?

It's a jingle I wrote in the shop.

You wrote a jingle in the shop?

Yeah, man. It's Dredd. Dredd?

Okay.

Get this to the studio.

Post -it sunrise jingle.

This could be the big time.

Leroy Smart.

News at ten.

Peckham.

What kept you? I had to do an interview with Leroy Smart. London calling.

We're going to be on TV. You're brilliant.

Yeah, that's right.

Look at the vanity of today's youth, Popeye.

They're much different from the vanity of yesterday's youth.

Right, who wants some decent food?

Yes, ma 'am.

Where are you going?

I'm going upstairs to cook some food. And if you don't like it, tough.

I'm coming with you.

You want a hand, Cheryl?

Yes, please.

Oi, I might miss London's touring.

Spin on it.

Charles.

Unlucky. You going to be all right, Cheryl?

Yes.

Step back to your seat. Everybody else sit down.

Yeah. Well, don't move then.

It's London Calling.

The police have cordoned off the area and marksmen have been brought in.

London Calling has an exclusive interview with one of the hostages.

All this and more after the break.

Right now I have with me Lee, a friend of the family.

Right. Now, listen to me, Lloyd and Robert.

If you lay one finger on any of my friends in that shop, I will personally

to it that you... And you can shut your big mouth.

Well, your days are numbered.

They know your name.

Yeah, well, they know who they're dealing with, don't they?

And as soon as they sort out our demands, the quicker we can get out of

Yeah, well, what I want to know is when, right? Because I'm going down to the

wag club tonight. I'm not going to miss that. You're going down to the wag club?

You'll take me next time you go, won't you?

How do you get in?

Well, they're really strict on the door. I've tried so many times.

Next time, just bring your gun.

Tell me something, Robert.

What do you hope to achieve out of all this?

A bit of bread and a safe passage out of here.

Yeah, that's why I think you can get a safe passage out of here.

Shut up!

Well, if you hadn't burst into our shop, waving a gun around, demanding money, I

think you wouldn't be in this stupid situation.

You now have to... Ask the police if you can walk out of here as free as you

walk in.

And if you honestly believe they're going to let you go, then you're more

than you look.

Don't get me mad. Why not? You got me mad.

Something mixed.

Have you tried adding some grated nutmeg, a touch of essence and some

juice? No.

I'd rather run out. That's all right.

Uh -oh.

Tell me, how you know about dumpling mix?

Because I once trained as a chef on one of those lousy YTS schemes.

Ah. From trainee chef to criminal.

Big jump.

Not that big a jump. It's criminal the cash they pay you on them schemes.

So you expect to waltz in and earn a thousand for a week?

You train in, you're lucky you don't get in bed.

with you young people is only afraid of hard work.

Well, I'm not.

Okay, then. You can start this.

Don't worry. I ain't gonna try nothing.

Just let me tell you this story me grandmother used to tell me.

Once upon a time... Once upon a time in a land far away... You're finished.

Once upon a time in a small village lived a boy called Peavey.

Peewee was the king of the coconut tree.

Any height, big or small, he would climb.

Until one day, after he picked every coconut from every coconut tree in the

whole village, there was just this one coconut that eluded him.

Now, it hadn't grown like all the others, which is normally bunched

the top of the tree.

Now, this one had grown right out on the end of a very delicate branch, out of

the reach of the small peewee.

For days, Peavey contemplated how he was going to pick this elusive coconut,

which taunted him as it dangled freely.

Eventually, he could take no more.

Peavey climbed the tree, slid along the branch, and just as he was about to pick

that coconut, the branch snapped.

Peavey was crippled by the fall.

Oh.

Which meant he could no longer pick coconuts.

So now all the cook nuts there down at Pee, we untant him.

You know the moral of that story?

You shouldn't climb trees.

Only the trees you can climb.

We're all tempted by the unobtainable, but we mustn't break our necks trying to

get it.

Where's the frying pan?

Under the sink.

It has a nice story, Cheryl.

I've never heard that one before.

Neither have I.

ends up killing one of us. What, our friend Lloyd, Louise, kill one of us?

Never. What, I'm lady, all right?

Don't talk to me like that. I'm not Jamaican.

Where you from, then?

Here. Well, I was born here. My mum's from St. Kitts. You hear that, Popeye?

man is from a small island.

No one be desperate.

No, Father, really. I'm not desperate.

What are they doing out there?

Nothing.

Right.

What's happened to our demands?

We can't get a flight to Ibiza.

It's fully booked.

We'll line up a flight somewhere else if you want.

What about the money?

We need to know the number of your bank account.

We haven't got a bank account. That's why we asked you for one.

Yeah, well, you release the young lady and we'll sort out the money.

It's the uniform, sir.

My name is... Lewis Smart, hello.

Get this man out of here.

You don't look different on the telly. I know, I know. Not so many spots. I said

I know, I know.

Sit down.

Go and pull the trigger.

Don't push your luck. Go and pull it, because you'd wish you had when I

with you.

I am sick to death with you, you feisty little boy.

You come into my shop with your gun. You manhandle my daughter.

Your friend put the gun to my wife's head.

So you like it, eh? So you like it, eh?

You're nothing but a little rat.

You know what they feed rats?

Poison. I'd like to poison you. What's going on?

Now our names are studied on the telly. What?

Now we have done.

He's got business, I'm sure.

Well, don't look at me, Robert. Cook them.

And the news here is that we've managed to obtain the names of the two gunmen.

They are Robert Jacob.

Shine!

And Lloyd Julian.

Oh, you guys were happy when you were young. We have managed to track down

Robert's parents who live on the North Peckham estate.

And earlier, I went to talk to them.

Leroy Smart, London calling.

Oh, yeah?

Well, hurry up. I've got the soundbite going. This is important.

Yeah, you look different in the flesh. I know.

Better. Mrs Jacob, your son is involved in an armed robbery at Desmond's

Barbershop, Peckham.

He presently has 12 hostages.

Oh, he never was a clever boy, was Bob.

Here, Bob, if you're listening, be a good Bob and give yourself up.

Now you know why I hate being called Bob.

Me and your dad, we'll come and visit you in prison.

Somebody in prison?

Oh, we'll definitely come and visit you.

Who's going on? Uh, Mr. Jacob.

Lloyd, you're my son!

This is Lloyd, Julian's mother, who has bravely volunteered to appear live on

the programme in an attempt to persuade her son to give himself up.

Mrs. Julian.

Miss Julian.

Sorry.

Lied.

Son, if you can't see me, I mean if you are watching, lady,

I know things have been hard for us, but I did try my best.

Son, I tried to bring you up a good, decent and honest boy.

I know all you've done is to bring shame to a heavy heart.

My head up in the street after this.

I know deep down you is a good boy.

I still love you.

So please, son, give yourself up and don't harm anybody.

Why,

out. Everybody get out.

Well, you heard the man. Women and children first. Let's go.

You see, sir, I have three strapping sons at home. They're little skinny boy

like Tony is all. Maybe I should take you home with me.

No, not now. I'm off to the white club.

Well, come on, let's go.

You know what we say in Africa?

The fly who won't leave the dead body gets buried with it.

Wait, wait, wait, I'm coming, I'm coming.

Mum, Dad, you coming?

I'm staying.

Are you mad?

Yes. Well, I'll stay with you then. You're both mad?

Yes.

Go. Huh?

Go.

Yeah.

Are you sure?

Are you still here?

I thought you'd be glad to see the back of her.

People's fronts are much more interesting.

Some criminals we turned out to be.

It's not even real.

Isn't it?

I didn't mean to hurt her.

All my life, that woman has struggled just to make ends meet.

All I was concerned about was how come I couldn't have nice clothes like anybody

else.

Single parent mum.

How come I didn't have a dad?

I blamed her for everything.

One day, she walked into the pawn shop and hopped grandmother's ring.

She said she'd never do that.

I blamed it for everything.

Until she walked into the gas showroom two doors down and paid the gas bill.

Well, it was then I thought, I never want to see it go short again.

Why should she have to struggle? And now, because of me, she's going to have

struggle even more.