Original subtitles

It's over wearing yourself out before tonight.

That sounds helpful.

Hey,

don't get your tongue trapped in these false teeth, Sally. Get out!

They'll be on their best behaviour tonight, I promise.

Are you sure about that?

Look, I'm not having you sitting here on your forehead.

You're all down to using an empty pub with a disco play and a birdie song.

I don't know.

It could be cosy. It's not cosy. You need a few rabble -rousers.

Get up and boogie and get things going.

One thing this lot can do is rouse a bit of rabble. All right, all right. Talk

me into it. Here, take the invite.

Yeah, see you later. Bye. OK.

Bye.

I don't know.

It's going to be full of shadow guests like you, isn't it?

I'm scared you won't be able to keep up.

Hey, it's not going to turn into one of those middle -aged dodges, is it?

Don't worry. We wait for the youngsters to have gone home till the thongs come

up. Glad to hear it.

I've got some of that oldie porn. Oh, there's that much wobble on it. I

the trucking had gone on me video.

Now, I hope it's the right size.

Yeah.

It covers up much more than it reveals.

Kev's had that price at your age.

Cheeky dog.

Oh, my God, is it going to guarantee this? I don't know. Kev bought it.

How did you know her size?

I just shut my eyes and guessed.

Hang on.

Oh, thank you.

All right, thanks.

Oh, thank you.

Right, folks, this won't take long.

I just want to thank you all for coming.

But most of all, I'd like to say, happy 40th to Sally.

Just to say, she goes more beautiful every day.

And she's a cracking girl, and I love it a bit.

And I'm getting a bit embarrassing now, aren't I? I can tell because both my

lads are trying to sneak out the fire exit.

So if you just...

Raise your glasses and give us a quick chorus of happy birthday. Then I'll put

another tonne behind the bar.

So,

happy birthday to you. Come on.

Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday.

Is the port still on the watch? Has that twat down the bar just touched me to a

third of the ring? All right, all right, all right.

What would I want would have a sex on me.

It's for me, you dark bugger.

I'm having the sleep for you.

No?

able to do that when you've, you know, had it done.

Yeah, everything will work exactly the same.

All right.

Is that what the doctor said, then?

The doctor didn't say much at all.

He was about 12 years old.

He was more embarrassed than me.

Mind you, he did have my nudges in his hand at the time.

Weren't you embarrassed?

No.

I just lay back, closed my eyes and imagined he was you.

With a light of touch.

The condemned man ate a hearty breakfast.

Keep trying, it'll take more than you to reel me in.

First card is the deepest, baby, I know.

What are you doing up there, Dad?

His name's Mr Bannister.

Why? Do you know him? Does he go to the snooker club? No.

Old Butcher Bannister.

The famous blind surgeon.

Come on, leave him alone, you two. Don't worry. I just wish I'd have you done

sooner.

Eighteen years sooner, to be precise.

Then I wouldn't have you two hanging up me wallet. Oh, we know you don't mean

that, Dad. We know that's just your gruff northern way of saying that you

us. Come on, sweetheart.

We're going to be late.

I don't want him doing the rush job.

Good luck and all that, then.

Don't overdo it.

Then you'll have me filling up.

I'll go and wait inside.

And don't look so worried.

According to Gordon, you just feel a bit of a tug, that's all.

Well, if you change your mind... Sally, you'll be great.

You'll never have to worry again about a late period.

And I'll never have to think of Nicky Butt to stop myself coming.

Oh, you're a good man, Preston.

Oh, my wife says so.

OK,

good luck.

Morning,

Alan. How are you?

I think I caught a cold there in this thing.

Well, if you can just jump up onto the bench, we'll get you started.

If I jump on there, this might have your eye out.

I don't even get to watch.

It's not recommended.

And not even to say goodbye.

So, do you like football, Alan?

Well, yeah, yeah.

Why? Does it make a difference?

No, it just helps to talk about something while it's happening. It's

football. Ah, right, right.

OK, Alan, you'll feel a small pinching sensation, and that'll be the

anaesthetic.

Do you do a lot of this?

It's my job.

Do you ever get to the business end? I do, but the conversation's never as

Who did your prelim, Mr Preston? Sorry? Your preliminary examination, who did

it?

I don't remember.

Some kid with an impact.

Why, what's wrong?

Nothing.

Nothing's wrong as such.

It's complicated.

What is?

I don't think you need this operation.

It really should have been picked up by the doctor who examined you.

Well, I don't understand.

You've got a very rare condition.

What it means is that there's no tube between the testicle and the prostate.

Without that, there isn't any chance that you can be fertile.

So you're going to be sore for no reason, I'm afraid.

Since when?

How could it have happened? It's a congenital condition.

You've always had it. I've got two lads.

The doctor who examined you really should have picked this up.

Two grown -up lads.

I saw them being born.

I realise this must have come as a shock.

Chris and Daniel, they're called.

They look like me.

Both of them do.

You're infertile, Mr Preston.

You've always been infertile.

Bloody hell, that was quick.

There you go.

So,

how was it?

Fine. I'm fine.

You feeling a bit sore, are you?

He's sitting on it. I'm watching this.

Get off.

I'm watching this.

Get off. Dad, will he tell your retarded son to get his fat ass off the remote?

Get off.

Nick, get off.

Nick, get off.

Dickhead.

How much is the rent for all of us?

I don't know. You'd better find out.

About 500 a month.

Right.

Come on, Dad, stop picking around. What do you think I'm worth?

Could find out what Charles gave Prince William, don't worry.

So, what do you think, Alan?

Yeah, yeah.

Whatever you say.

Hello?

Hiya, son.

Oh, you're not going to tell me about the birds and the bees, are you?

I think you could tell me more than I could tell you.

Are you winding me up, coming in here?

Are you taking the piss?

Are you serious about this girl, then?

I don't know. I mean, she's... Thing is, son, don't throw your life away on

somebody, will you?

I mean, there's nothing worse.

You know, she seems a nice girl and that, but... Well, you're young, and I

you to have a good time.

Right, right.

I've got on with her.

You've got to look out for yourself in this world.

Cos you can turn around a few years down the line and find you've not been

living your own life.

I'll leave you to your studying, then.

Hey, Al, is that right? It takes 30 orgasms before you're officially firing

blanks? How many have you got left to whack out, then? Not so many by the

are you?

You all right, mate?

Yeah, nothing to it.

How do you get them to take home in a jar like an appendix?

Are you a crystal pack, then?

Yeah, as far as I know.

University, eh?

Who'd have thought it were your brains?

What's that supposed to mean?

Bloody hell, I know you've got a sore sack and all, but give us a break, will

you?

What's this?

Your missus dropped off, said he'd forgotten these.

My missus?

When were you talking to my missus?

Are you going to open it, then?

They've been scaled, haven't they?

Are we ever going to leave this alone, then? Erm, I don't think so, no.

You smirking, eh? You fat, fat... Is that it, you stupid geddy? I don't like

smirking.

You, is it?

It's you? What's me?

You bastard!

I don't know what you're talking about, you mad old twat! Don't come here!

You're too fierce!

Now that's what I call a vasectomy.

Alf?

Alf?

Are you all right, mate?

What the hell is going on?

You two, my office now!

I don't think he can walk much.

It will drag him. He can groan in his own time. Now!

It's Mac and Josh.

Oh, hello, Dan. What can I do for you?

Sort of bleeding out. What was that about, apart from you not liking scotch

eggs?

I'm infertile.

I know that. The whole factory knows that. I thought that was the idea.

I've always been infertile.

What?

There's something wrong with me bollocks.

Something technical.

Something that means... Yeah, but you can't be. I mean, what about your Chris

and Daniel?

They're not mine.

Who's that?

Oh, you tell me.

There's your cards to both of you now, piss off.

You what? Jesus, you're sucking us.

No, I'm scaring you.

I hope.

I didn't think a bollocking would do any good, because by all accounts, you've

already had one.

I wish I could sack you, but I've got Chadwick's warehouse on the back and

you're a pair of lucky sods. Right, thanks, Mike.

Yeah, thanks.

So what was it about? Anything I should know?

No.

Well, love us tiff, then.

Yeah.

Right, better get yourselves cleaned up and get back to work, then.

Take care of you, girl.

Hit me!

How could you think it was me?

I know.

Been around our house.

Sally laughs at all your jokes. You're a cocky twat.

And I've been eight, you know, when your Christmas conceived.

Me Edwin.

You know what kind of way she takes.

That was enough.

Babs to get you, that bastard.

Made sense when I thought it, right?

I sit at home, and it's like she's laughing at me.

She's been taking the piss all these years.

I look at those fellas.

I convinced myself it's any one of them.

Every bugger I look at.

Even eight?

No, not eight, obviously.

What did Hallie say?

Not told her.

I don't know if I'm going to.

But why?

I tell him that's my life down the toilet too, you know.

And the lad, not just hers.

So you've got to keep this to yourself as well.

Fine, right.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to do.

Maybe I'll just go around hitting a few more people until I feel better.

No, I'm telling you, it was Titch, Paddy Walsh, Pete and Owen.

No way, Owen was at the pub on Friday night.

Titch told me. They went down after the sixth form disco and paid the staff room

windows. How the hell could Titch have helped? He couldn't even reach.

Or maybe he held a ladder.

Dad, you weren't even there, so, you know, keep it short.

Well, Pete's going to art college, so he might have done it. I'll give you that.

Thank you.

Oh, so painting the staff room windows gets you into art college these days,

doesn't it? And cleaning the staff room windows will get you into art college.

What's that?

Oh, no, not university material like our Chris, but I'd say it was a cup.

And?

Can I phone a friend?

Just go and chuck it in the dishwasher, love, yeah?

What?

What's that pulling your weight, son?

Alan, it was only a cup.

No, it wasn't.

It's him.

Playing the big shot, just cos he has a girl back in his bedroom. Oh, for God's

sake.

A bit of fumbling under your Ryan Giggs duvet makes you a man, does it?

Alan, calm down, will you? Well, you would take his side, wouldn't you?

You always do.

All three of you taking the piss.

Alan, nobody's taking the piss.

I'm sorry about the coke, Dad. I tell you what being a man's about, Sonny Jim.

It's about looking at your kids' lives and realising they've got the best stuff

to come.

And all you've got is stuff to look back on. And most of that's shit.

Because he's been breaking your back.

Bringing him up.

Just stop this. You're upsetting the lad.

Maybe he needs upsetting. You'd never upset him, though, would you? No, you'd

rather lie to him than upset him.

What's happened to you?

You've been coming in here a while.

I've been lost, mate.

I thought I recognized you.

Used to be mine.

All stomping ground a few years ago.

Right.

Early 80s.

You don't remember me, then?

What, were you on the pool team?

That's right.

Yeah. That's it.

Right.

There you are, love. That should put the smile back on your face.

I'll take more than that. So what is it, then? Mummy or women?

Yeah.

Have you had no miss?

You knew me at the moment I walked in here.

Did you have my mittens when we were coming?

I think you're at the wrong party, mate.

Don't turn your back on me.

Have you had it?

Yeah, all right.

I've had your missus, and she said it was the biggest thing she'd ever had. So

what do you want to do about it?

I want to see pictures of your kids.

Come on.

Hey, we haven't got a dance tonight. Come on.

Fair of you. You, out now.

Gerry, there's a vodka here he wants drinking.

Go on, off you go, mate.

So what was all that about earlier on?

I don't know.

Maybe I went back to work too soon.

It took more out of me than I thought.

What does it look like?

You don't want a man like me.

Alan, come on, you're still you.

You don't want me.

Yes, I do.

You know what really pisses me off?

Apart from having your balls cut open for no good reason.

The chances I've had, Kev.

The bloody chances I've had over the years to play away.

Oh, yeah? When was this?

Loads of times.

When I was on the wagons at B &T.

There was that secretary.

Dawn. She used to throw herself at me every time I showed me face.

My waitress at the White Hart.

Doreen.

Childminder.

But no, no.

I miss the family man here.

That's the deal you make, isn't it?

Don't mess about.

Because you hate it, and she did.

So, it's not always perfect.

But you stay at home.

Well, I don't want to blame you if you did now.

You know, you've got the perfect excuse, haven't you? What's that?

To play away.

You mean a revenge shaggy?

You can call it what you want.

Whatever you get up to, you've got right on your side, haven't you?

For a few pints tonight, lad.

Night of what? Your education.

It's not a quiz night, is it?

No, you get to watch the master in action.

The love of a machine.

I've got a fight club on video.

Now, let me tell you something.

One day when you're stoked in front of the telly with your missus and a kid in

cot upstairs, you'll regret every single night you didn't go out when you had

the chance.

All right, then I'll go.

Good lad.

Tell Nick.

Great. We'll be going down the bingo with him at this rate.

Hey, that's mine, isn't it? Since when did you like Radiohead? I've always

him. Oh, it's Bob the Builder, don't cover version of fake plastic trees,

What's that? Student humour.

Can't move too early. Yeah, I just thought if we got his stuff sorted

it'd be easier to pack.

Whatever you say.

Can you put the roof rack on before tea?

Sorry, I've got to get ready. I'm going out.

Shaving, eh?

Don't you like stubble, then?

What?

Are you having an affair, Alan?

Is that what all this protectomy business is about?

Why would I have a vasectomy if I was having an affair?

I don't know.

Maybe she's asked you.

Maybe you've had a scare.

Maybe it'd explain all your up -and -down moods.

What girl is this I'm supposed to be seeing?

When you find her, could you point in my direction?

Because I'm buggered if I know who she is. Sorry.

I'm sorry.

Oh, it's a daft thing to say. It's just with you getting so upset about

everything.

Do you think I'd ever even look at another woman?

It's just you and me, isn't it? Huh?

Isn't that what it's always been?

Huh? You and me?

Yeah.

Yeah. Just you and me.

Give us a hand.

Not you again.

I hope you're going to behave yourself tonight. Sorry about the other night,

love. I was out of order.

My divorce just come through.

Three lagers, two bitters, and I'll be a good boy.

Not too good, I hope.

What did I tell you? I still got it.

She's a barmaid, Alan. It's her job to pretend she fancies you.

Oh, I think I find it's more than a professional interest.

One for yourself, look.

Anything up to 50 pence.

What about Snow White?

Seven miners work in a diamond mine and they're all sharing a house.

Well, somebody's somewhere getting a huge rake -off.

No, and what about Snow White? What does Snow White do when the Royal Family

turns up?

She turns her back on the working classes and does a runner.

Yeah, but they are dwarves.

Yeah, but she wouldn't mind that when she's got nowhere to live, does she?

What is he playing at?

Is that why he had a vasectomy?

So he can shag around?

What, Alan, cheat on Sally?

Come on.

Then why not? He wouldn't get away with it. Bloody sick is what it is.

Listen, you were slagging me off this afternoon because he was going to cramp

our style, and now he's pulled your plane a bit. Yeah, but it's not just

him, though, is it? What about his lad?

Come on, they're practically left home.

Yeah, well, I'm not having any part.

Well, no -one's asking you to join in.

I've watched enough old men channel young birds to last me a lifetime.

You coming?

Yeah, I suppose.

You coming?

Just a little word with Casanova.

I'll leave him, he's happy.

You set?

You are joking, aren't you? I'm on to you. Yeah, I know, and you proved your

point, so come on.

pattern in my name when it goes soggy. Well, don't let me stop you.

No, you're not. It's just, well, you're not really going to do it, are you?

Why not?

Well, because you've got a wife at home for a start.

You know nothing about it.

Actually, I do.

I know all about it.

I know all about it. Look, Kev can't keep a secret. Not when it's as good as

one you gave him.

He told you? Yeah. But look, just me, so, you know, don't worry.

I reckon it saves your heart for going private.

Maybe not otherwise on the NHS.

I think you're missing the point a bit. Huh?

Yeah. Well, come on.

Luke, this is the best I've felt since I found out.

So just let me get on with it.

All right?

Yes, love.

Same again.

I'm not married anymore.

If that's what you're worried about.

Good.

You are, though, aren't you?

There's only one right answer to that question, isn't there?

You're right.

I'm not divorced.

I know this sounds like a line, but it's over. It's well and truly over.

And I know this is stupid, and the last thing you need is a middle -aged man on

the rebound, but I'd really like to sleep with you.

And I thought if I just said it, then I wouldn't spend the rest of my life.

And I'm despising myself for not saying it.

So, that's it.

It's out of my system.

This is where you tell me to piss off.

What is it?

What did I do?

It wasn't you.

It wasn't you.

You really are weird, aren't you?

I'd better go.

I'd better go.

Yeah.

I think you'd better add.

I'm going to try and make it work.

Sally, I don't care what you think.

Fine.

I realised last night those lads do know who their real dad is.

And their real dad.

Brought them up.

I've always been there for them.

When they're sick, when they have nightmares, or when they have trouble at

school.

That's what makes you a dad, not the other stuff.

Well, don't you reckon, eh?

I hate to tell you this, mate, but I think you've mixed me up with someone

gives a shit.

Look, I felt bad about the fight and what you found out, you know, but, I

you're the same bloke and all.

It's Tommy Cooper, isn't it?

Boys.

Friend in need is a pest.

Right.

Message understood.

Look, it's nothing personal.

I'm just not Ricky Lake.

What's all this?

Do you think you can still dance in that dress?

Why? We're going out.

Where to?

Northern Soul Night, the rafters.

You are joking.

Leave that, Mum.

All right, Mum.

That's the lot.

All right.

Here.

You can look after yourself.

Dad, I don't need this much. You're already fucking out. You deserve it.

And I don't want anybody saying my lad can't get his own round in.

Thanks.

Right, then.

OK.

We better be off, you know, traffic and that.

It's all right, love.

Look after yourself, lad.

You know where we are if you need us.

I do.

We're both very proud of you, you know, me and your mum.

To be here, like.

Can't be too careful.

Oh, just listen to that.

Silence. Hey.

How's about that, then?

Just me and you again.

Oh, come on, I'm going to have to get a stubble so I've still got something to

row about.

Joke. Joke.

Alan?

I can't do this.

Can't do what?

What is it?

I thought I could do this.

But I can't.

What? I don't understand.

I was thinking... I was thinking we should call

it a day.

You and me.

Hey.

What are you talking about?

I know, Sally.

I know the children.

They're not mine.

What?

How can they not be yours?

You tell me.

Alan, what's the matter with you? Why are you saying these things? They can't

mine.

I can't have kids.

That's what I found out when I went for the vasectomy.

I can't father children.

I never could.

All right?

How long are we going to sit here?

Until you tell me the truth.

There was somebody else.

Thank you.

Nobody can tell me those lads aren't yours. Not a surgeon, not you.

Nobody.

But there was someone else.

Yeah.

And was there someone else around when you were getting pregnant?

Has he got a name, or didn't you get that far?

Of course he's got a name.

Or is it just the one?

Or do you want to give me a list?

Oh.

A front with models.

Now there's a novelty.

Oh, come on, don't do that, Alan.

I love you.

I love everything about you. That's why I try to ignore it.

Stop banging away, innit? I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

What was his name?

You didn't know him.

How long you gone for?

Six... Six years.

And I know there's no reason why you should believe me, but you were the love

my life. I stayed with you because I always knew it was you I beloved.

I mean, what I did was stupid and lazy, but I've never wanted to leave you.

Not ever.

Did it never occur to you for one moment that the kid's with his?

No.

We were... Yeah, well, we were careful.

Brilliant. As me firing blanks while Superman had all the peer things spun.

wasn't Superman.

He wasn't anybody.

So what was his name?

Andrew Heaton.

He lived on our street back when we lived in Reddish.

He was always doing the gardening, and one day I was admiring his flowers, and

he came out and we started talking.

And then he brought some cuttings round.

It wasn't any great passion, you know. We weren't going to get carried away. He

was just... quiet, I suppose.

Nobody noticed him.

And you were always a life and soul.

I thought you liked that.

I do.

But sometimes, well... You know, it's like... when you announced the vasectomy

at me 40th, it was funny and I liked it, but...

It was my birthday.

And suddenly, it was your party.

And it's always been like that. Your party.

Does that make any kind of sense?

No. Not really.

It was because it meant so little that it went on for so long.

I mean, it was never any kind of a threat because I always knew it was you

were loved. And I'll tell you something else. You can leave me.

But I'll never tell those boys that he's their dad because you are.

They're all yours.

And that's all there is to it.

Why can't I hate you?

I can only hate you.

It's so much easier.

I'll help you pack if you want to go.

Of course, I don't want to bloody go.

Come on, Dad. I couldn't have a shower after football.

This is about going out all the time, crying in the bathroom.

You're dragging someone behind mum's back.

Should you tell him?

Or should I?

Don't, Alan. Stop cringing to me like a kid. I know what's going on. You're

always pretty quick on the uptake, that's for sure.

I think.

Who do you think you got that off?

Your mum or your dad?

Why are you changing the subject?

I'm not, son, I'm not.

What do you think, Sally?

How's he got his mum's brains or his dad's?

Sorry, son.

Just been going through a bit of a hard time.

This is what it's going to be like from now on.

You torture me every chance you can get.

I could go on like nothing had happened.

But sometimes I look at you and I'm gone.

I just want to hurt you.

Make you feel like I feel.

There's nothing I can do.

Nothing I can say to make it better.

and tell the boys.

No, Alan.

Oh, come on. We both agreed.

It has to be that way. It doesn't. Why does it? How can you say that? It's best

if they know.

I'll tell them if you want. Why? Why? So you can feel better. That's worth

ruining their lives for, isn't it? This secret isn't just ours.

It's theirs, too.

What if they find out in 20 years? What will it do to them, then? No way they

will find out. I tell...

The boys.

It's done. It's over.

It's out in the orphanage.

We deal with it.

It's the only way.

The only bloody way.

Little boyfriend.

Hello. Things can be so cruel.

Where are you going? I don't... Don't you want to see Chris?

I saw him last week.

Wait a second, will you? Just till Chris gets here. There's something I want to

talk to you about.

No, it's my bus.

Chris!

Hiya, son. How's it going?

It's only been a week, Dad.

Come inside.

Tell us all about it.

Right, then.

There you go.

Where are we going? We're opening.

So, Chris, how's it going at college, then?

Fine, yeah, it's all right.

Any lessons yet? Are you still partying?

Lecture's starting next week, so... I haven't met your teachers in that.

It's not for girls, Dad. They don't show us through our deaths and throw

exercise books at us, you know. I know, I'm messing.

You're forgetting. I did my H &E at Stockport Tech.

What's up, Dad?

Nothing's up.

Well, you never sit down and talk to us unless someone's either died or one of

the neighbours has seen us doing knock -a -runner, so that's what's going on.

It's bloody not.

What?

That's not true.

It's obvious when they took his balls away, they took his brains with them.

He's been playing away.

It's not true. No, it's not.

It's more serious than that.

Well, what?

Is it Mum?

Is she? Oh, she's looking terrible and she's not said a word all the way back

the car. No.

When I said serious, what I mean is... The thing is...

The thing is, it's about my vasectomy.

Change the record, would you? I'm thinking very about... Will you stop

interrupting?

The thing is, I found

something out.

Well, I found something out when I had the snip.

What?

Well, it's quite a shock.

Apparently, a doctor should have picked it up sooner.

They found a lump.

The growth, the tumour.

And they took it out and it's, you know, it's...

Been tested and it's all going to be fine. But that's why I've been behaving

like a bit of a twat these last few days.

A lump?

Bloody hell, Dad, why didn't you say something?

Because until I knew the results, I didn't want to worry anyone.

You should have told us.

Nobody knew.

Not even Mum?

No.

And I don't want to know anything.

This has to be between the three of us, all right?

But she's got a right to know.

No, there are some things that it's better...

Just believe alone.

But you should be told the truth.

The truth isn't all it's cracked up to be, son.

He's right, Danner.

You should only worry yourself sick.

Good.

That's settled, then.

Not a word.

Right.

Let's have this drink now, shall we?

Here. Cheers.