Original subtitles

Awesome.

Come on!

There was a Jack Russell.

You round here?

I live here.

So do I.

Moved in last Saturday.

Bloody hell. Yeah, I've been here about two years now. It's all right, isn't it?

It's fine, yeah.

Mostly friendly.

It's like that sceptical moose next to me.

Barking mad.

Always in the hospital faking stuff.

Charming.

I nearly missed out, you know. They tried sticking a grand on the asking

after we shook on it.

I says, you're joking, aren't you? You stated out wiring.

Well, they would.

Hey, what is it with these bins?

I thought they collected today.

Used to be Wednesday till the wheel had been Friday's now.

Tons of shit to go. Tons.

The tip of Stratford, you know.

No car.

The wife got it in a divorce.

I didn't know you were divorced.

Well, I didn't know you were married.

So, what's all that about, then? Beat you out?

Yeah, more or less.

New bloke?

Yep.

Can't be any lugs. Bet he earns more.

Oh, well, listen, sort your crap out. We'll shoot it down the tip in the van.

Oh, cheers, Kev. Appreciate that.

Girlfriend, Babs.

Hiya. Hiya.

Brian, mate from work, just moved in.

Hiya, Brian.

I'm best, Bill.

Well, yeah.

You'll have to go up in the back once we pick Ida up. Sure.

Split the field, yeah? No problem.

It'd be a treat not having to go on a bus.

I bloody hate them.

Yeah. Watch this.

I'm partying you for this, you little shite!

Yeah, look, I'm getting a job.

I'm writing everything down, you know.

No one misses

crackers. Oh, chicken and egg, mate.

Brian, you're scaring me half to death.

All this late? Nah, he gets up at six. That'll be his breakfast, that bastard.

Brian's moved in opposite, splitting the fuel.

Look at this one.

hold out tomorrow night. Can you go and go?

I can't tomorrow night.

Why, what's up with you?

Clubs. He's had to shave everything so he don't come to the show.

I've got a guy bringing a car round, all right.

Why not?

I'm out.

Well, it's only a couple of hours. No, I'm out.

Who? Out.

Who? None of your business.

Come on.

Hey, do you know who it is?

Teenagers in problem areas could face all my curfews.

When I finish stuff here, I'll probably feel like a bear

if you're up for one. Yeah? Let's give this out.

What are you doing?

I want to wear sandals tomorrow, so I have to.

Oh, Jesus, it stinks.

Pringle's got a sun lamp.

No wonder she divorced him.

I'm not stopping.

You've got no tapes left?

No, but I can still use a Zoom.

What are you doing?

I reckon he's on a computer.

Henry, it's porn this time of night.

It's that bastard.

What's that make you, then? You watch more porn than anybody I know.

Yeah, but I make most of it.

Right, I'd better be going or my mum will be in bed.

Oh, and she said she wanted the fibre for doing your washing.

Yeah, yeah.

She moved, Doctor. She definitely moved.

So the doctor said, well, it's possible because...

It's a mystery what people in comas can respond to.

He says, go back to your wife and feel her other breast.

And feels her left breast.

And the same thing happens again.

So he goes running back to the doctor. Says, doctor, it worked. It

definitely worked.

Well done, Mr Beasley, he says.

We can't stop now.

go back again and see how she responds to oral sex.

So off he goes.

Five minutes later, he's back again.

Tears streaming down his face. He says, Doctor, she's gone.

She's dead.

Well, the doctor goes ballistic. He thinks, God, my career's on the line

says, dead?

What do you mean she's dead? How the hell can she be dead?

He says, to be honest, I think she choked.

Talk about...

Primitive? You lot need bloody mental treatment.

I mean it, mental treatment. Come on, it's a joke.

Oh, it's sick.

I won't remember that tomorrow, mate.

Happy birthday,

mate. It's all right here, isn't it?

We were looking for somewhere for our GH18.

Is the beer any good? Dunno, no one's bought me one yet.

Coming up, Sylvia, what are you having?

Hey. Hiya.

I know I weren't invited, but I popped round to Sylvia's to see if she'd fancy

going for a drink, and she said, why don't you come with us? Martin won't

I thought, bloody right he won't, and he better not do. I invited him to mine,

so he stuck with me.

Happy birthday.

Thank you.

Over the hill, mate. Happy birthday to you, mate.

Careful with you. Yay, sir.

Marty.

It's my brother's party. I paid for the room.

Rules of the house on function nights.

No T -shirts, no trainers.

Since when?

When were you last here?

I paid for the room.

No chance.

Everybody else knew about it.

You're stirring it, Kev. Not me. Him. Totter.

Don't think yourself lucky if you have to work with him.

Thank you.

Hey, you got any black polish?

What do you mean?

Sea polish.

If I have, I wouldn't know where it is, to be honest.

I thought Marty's do started at eight.

Hey, you're not coming?

No, I, um... No, I got lumbered with stuff.

Hang on, I'll have a look.

I run a youth group down Sedbro Street.

All right.

Once you know where you are, you never get left alone.

I'll go and look, but I can't promise.

Yeah, well, you can kick it like me. You don't need to pass it.

Get out of the ball.

Yeah, you give us that now.

Leave. No, I'm off, mate.

Are you old enough for that?

How old do you think I am?

You look about 50.

It's all right, I don't.

Your lucky night.

Don't know how much is in it, though.

Oh, that silly Todd chucked shandy all over me.

He knows it's cider.

They're only allowed half a can each.

Maximum.

What's the alternative?

Swilling it back down the bus station.

Stop hogging the ball. Pass it in. There's no harm done.

Yeah, cheers anyway.

No problem.

Bloody marvellous. Do you want to try it?

Here you are.

Best holiday ever.

She's lovely, Matt.

Well, yeah.

No, I mean really gorgeous.

Did she say Ellen or Helen?

An agency.

Yeah, why not?

And what do you get for your money?

Got to get up with my friends

Oh, got you, too.

and I'm not missing the beginning.

Hiya, Babs. Has he got any bacon?

Not unless I buy it for him, no.

Am I walking home on an empty stomach?

You crap.

Perfect.

I went to school with her.

She fainted when we caught a frog up.

I've got to tell you, Kev, you're really pissing me off today.

I have a ticket for this for six...

Where were you?

I was out there. I passed on the dock.

No Kev, no van. What happened?

No, Brian.

You're watching wrong. I'm not waiting.

Great teamwork, eh? Thanks. You were nowhere near.

Just pass the ball.

Come on, you bloody flour basket. Say, mate, have a banana. Get a rest, you sad

bastard.

Someone's worried back.

Someone get some toilet paper.

Found out where Trudy is. In the canteen. Personally, the first aid kit.

Come on, up again.

Well, all I can do...

I apologise, but I know we should have had a quiet Tuesday because I set that

load myself.

Where is it?

It's gone. We couldn't get him an appointment, so his ex -wife's taken him

the dental hospital.

Sorry about that. Could you give me that number again?

I'm going to have to give it my full attention.

I'll ring you back later.

Bye -bye.

Who's that with him?

It's Brian's son, Rob.

Rob? Dad, what happened?

How come he's not at school?

I've been away for a week or two.

We've got a takeaway coming in about ten minutes.

Kev wants to see if you're hungry.

All right.

This is our dinner, yours.

Kev's?

This seems bigger than mine.

Yeah, but you've got a garden, Brian.

I told Kev when he bought this place, I said, you're going to regret not getting

one with a proper garden.

No, you didn't. Well, my mum said it and she was right.

No, you didn't, babe.

You know, you look like you could do with a bit of sun, Brian.

I'm not that boast, to be honest, Bab.

If my son's around, I'm at him all the time.

Get the cream on. 35.

Make sure you get your cream on. And he's like, oh, give it a rest.

Right.

I'm really sorry about it.

OK?

Bad tackle, yeah?

If I'd have had the ball, yeah?

Well, yeah.

Bad tackle. How long were you married for, Brian?

Together 14.

Married for two.

See? See? How weird's that?

Five blokes, same thing.

Years and years and years together, they get married, old gig turns fertile.

We were kids when we met.

I'm not 100 % we'd have stayed together if I hadn't got a friend then.

How old's the lad?

Rob. 13 this year.

Dark -haired lad.

Not from my side.

I get him every other week.

That's why I needed the house.

The flat I had was...

Uh, mate, Brian from work reckoned you were short of volunteers.

Eh? I was just saying you said you were a bit short -handed.

Well, yeah, but... Oh, well, if it's your idea.

Are you vouching for him?

Well, yeah.

Nothing better to do?

Oh, yeah, but, I mean, if it's just football and pool and stuff, I don't

Lots of decent table.

Thing is, Ken, we've got to guarantee you time.

Two nights a week minimum.

Which pitch do you use for footy?

We've got a concession at Sherman Park. Oh, cool, yeah. I mean, Sherman Park's

fantastic. They're most nice, anyway.

Got a clean licence?

Yeah. Oh, no.

Three points for putting a light.

Criminal convictions?

No. Drugs?

No, what are you offering?

No.

Hold this in.

Block capital.

Left to address the date of birth.

Next time you're passing, bring full passport photos and your driving

If you don't roll it, it's going to bounce, innit? It stands to reason.

Let it go as you throw. All one movement. Watch.

What did you just say? Say it again. Say it again.

We're born to this, obviously, Kev.

Decent kids, aren't they?

Nine -tenths of a regional crime. I don't think Deacon fits.

Unless she can't have had no murders, but it's only a matter of time.

So what did you get out of this?

A salary.

Well, you're not a volunteer.

Bugger off, I'm a social worker.

What, a proper social worker?

What the cheque says, yeah.

Statching kiddies at midnight and all that?

I did do family work, yeah, until I got sick of the same faces.

I just do this to keep my hand in.

What sort's it pay, then?

Roughly. £14 .50 an hour.

For this?

And five years training.

Jesus, you're in the wrong job.

I bet you're not.

Just wish you hadn't told me, Kev.

It's only a bit of fun.

Not if you've seen her again.

Oh, what's wrong with it?

I know her husband really well. To be honest with you, that's how I lost my

wife. And it's no fun having the piss taken out of you.

It's not like they've got any kids.

Difference does that make?

Right, money out.

Later lose and I'll turn her down on the doctor.

Such a waste of time. Half of them can't even play football.

Yeah, that's my point. What point?

Well, that's why they're always getting into shits and stuff.

Hey, I know what. Let's run them ragged so they haven't got any energy left for

shoplifting. Give over. They'll just learn how to run quicker.

They're no bleeding, aren't they? Get down. Not here.

Hiya, Martin.

Right, Chris.

Brother.

I hope you all are up, Brit, because ours are all knackered.

It's not charity, we're all equal here. And all I want to know is, who burgled

your mum's house last Friday?

Let's see.

That's a fair question, isn't it? I'm not accusing anybody.

Bet it was him, Melk.

Come on, Macintosh, the kids are all over you.

Evan, put your shirt on, you're frightening the kids.

Back bedroom later, never worked since.

When was this?

About six months back.

Six months, and you never got it fixed?

Yeah, well, they charge a fortune.

How do you know I won't? Well, you'll be walking to work.

And I've made you coffee here.

Here you go.

No sugar, Brian, so I've used a sweetener.

Cheers.

So,

busy at work?

Bit quiet.

Speed up for the holidays, though.

You going anywhere?

Mm. Well, Kev wants to go to Ibiza, but we're supposed to be saving up for a

wedding. Oh, is he asking to look at the sockets in here?

No, but he will.

Has he spent anything on this place?

I keep saying it needs a couple of grand spending, and he goes, yeah, yeah, I

know. It's been like this since February.

I'll have to leave that till weekend.

Hey, but listen, Babs, I can't do all this for nothing.

No, no, we love him. He'll pay.

He'll never get around to organising stuff.

You might as well be on your own for an hour or so.

Yeah.

Help yourselves to coffee and stuff.

Yeah, right.

Where's Babs? Gone home.

Well, it's her, folks. She prances around doing pixie jobs, playing house.

It's only meant to be weekends.

See, Chris.

Thought you'd rather not know.

Why don't you shut up?

You been to school today?

Yeah. Liar.

Where'd you go?

Back and get it.

Trafford Centre.

No, Allendale.

Kidding. I thought you were a pro.

Allendale's the first place you look. The place is crawling with fat old women

from the education.

They've all got radio.

You're gonna know the best, best place.

Keep your mouth.

You start jabbering.

What's going on?

Go on.

Back in the war.

I caught him going through thingies just for money.

Craig's little sod. If Craig finds out, he's a dead man, so I thought I'd

better... Anyway, it's done with now, so he won't try it out twice.

Little sod.

Kemp, what are you doing?

Kemp!

Craig? Where's your kit?

It's in my locker.

You don't know what I'm talking about, do you?

I might as well take this home if we're using it tomorrow.

What's this?

Sheep. What size?

Double. It's not.

It's not even a single, Kev. You've cut them too short. All of them.

Honestly, Kev, it's not me.

I knew something wasn't right because I kept getting to the end of a line too

fast. I only thought it was me because I had a cup of coffee in it. I never

drink it.

You've cut about a thousand doubles too short by an inch, you gormless bastard.

It's got your bloody batch number on it.

Nick, shut the machine.

What?

What have I done? I want all doubles to be measured by somebody who's not him.

Yeah, if it's not done by break, you don't take a break. You can blame him.

You'll have to catch the bus.

Oh, come on, just sleep on it.

Let Matt sleep on it.

Barney, you got a lamp still? Yeah,

but you wouldn't fuss about doing a detour, would you?

Don't rush for the wicked,

eh?

Go and ask the lady for a sweet dinner. Now, go on.

Good night, Barry.

What were you talking to that kid about?

When?

Swimming. I told you.

You lied.

Jake falls beneath Locker.

So what were you having a go at that kid for?

I'm right, aren't I?

What I saw on your computer.

What you're on about. What I saw on your backyard.

Like what? What I saw last night.

Because I thought it.

I couldn't believe it.

Pringles ain't a kid. I mean, not lollities.

He's into kids.

And you greased me round with that.

And you had me.

I've had you in my house, you snidey dick. Don't!

Come back at me.

Come back at me. Come back at me. Come back at me. Go in me back.

Fucking roller blinds.

Roller blinds up at your window. What are they about if I've got it wrong, eh?

Eh?

Brian?

Brian?

You've even got a perv's name.

Give him a shout if you need some help, Brian.

Give him a shout.

So who are you

going to be tonight, Barry?

Well, Matthew, tonight I'm going to be bored shitless.

It's a mess with that lot.

Because they're up for a laugh and messing about.

It gets confusing, Kev.

Chris took them last weekend.

Shit sticks, Kev.

Accusations like that really stick.

And you're a mate.

So I'd hate to...

You

pin me down, I'll take you with me.

You know what I mean?

Keep them.

They just cut this.

Kev? Kev, what's going on?

Kev?

Come on, what's the matter? What's happened?

Sit down.

What's happened? Have you been fired? Has he fired you?

What is it?

We were going to tell you.

Kev, we were going to tell you. Kev!

Not if you're saying it's a machine fault.

Is it his girlfriend, do you think?

Kevlar? No, it's a woman.

Welcome to the family, Trudy.

Look, hang on here. I'll be straight back.

Something to say to me.

Kev!

What the hell?

Bloody hell, Kev.

That's somebody's husband, isn't it?

When will you learn, for Christ's sakes?

Trudy said it hit his girlfriend and I said no.

Never occurred, it might be another one.

Christ knows why it usually bloody is.

Yeah, it's bored.

Don't swear or you might start throwing up, come on.

You don't know how to get yourself in some shit, you.

You got any ice?

How are you doing?

You know, you'll be 30 soon, and you'd best start practicing, Kev. You'll end

looking like a joke.

You know, you're like a bloody goldfish, you know that?

How many times has this happened to you?

Chief, are you marrying me, you know, Vance?

Yeah, he's double, but never changes double, Vance. That's the chief. I'm

happy with the one I've got, Vance.

Anyway, once we have babies, you can forget about spending the night on the

seltzer. Hear that, Kev? Bossy or early, you don't stand a chance.

It loves it. She'll be knocking you about, Nick.

Back to Fabian Bartosz. United now attacking the famous clock end here at

Highbury. Lifts it forward towards Colby.

I think the traffic will say look out, Lou!