Original subtitles

Here I go again I hear the trumpet blow again

Oh, what a blow again Taking a chance on love

Here I slide again About to take that ride

again

It was a full church, Daddy.

It was Harvest Festival. I just don't know how you could do it. I was asked my

opinion, Alison, and I felt... It was a rhetorical question, Daddy.

When the bands are published and they ask of any cause or impediment, they

expect the bride's father to stand up and say they don't think the couple toot

each other.

Well, we're worried, Petal.

Worried whether you can cope with him. I mean, supposing he gets violent after

one of his drinking sessions? Yes. Oh, what do you mean, drinking sessions?

Who can guess how much mouth of hand I've used?

He has an occasional lager. Whoever guesses can lick out the icing bowl.

In the five days that we've been here, Alison, every time I go into that front

room, Tom heads straight for the sideboard and pours himself a drink.

Yes, and can you blame him? He gives up his house and his... home to him, what

does he get in return?

The latest divorce statistics sell a tape to his shaving mirror.

I wonder if anyone can guess how many sultanas went into this.

I don't understand you. I really don't. I mean, all my life you've been saying

when Mr. Wright comes along... You don't have to tell him it's too late.

You're marrying Tom.

You don't have to do it, Petal. You can have the baby at home with us.

Oh, Mummy, I wish you'd both just understand that I want to get married.

I... to be, Mrs. Chan.

I want a church wedding. I want a ring on my finger.

You shouldn't have said that.

What? Well, after nine broken engagements, you know.

She's very sensitive on the subject.

Oh, Mummy, she's the bridesmaid at my wedding tomorrow.

Well, try not to talk about it unless you have to.

She's in a very funny mood about men at the moment.

I don't know what she said to the milkman yesterday, but he leaves your

next door now.

There's just over 12 ,000 sultanas.

Who won it right then?

Oh, come in, Tom.

Oh, no, no, he mustn't see you. You've got in your wedding dress, Alison.

It's bad luck if he sees you before the wedding in that. Oh, really?

All these things you're not supposed to do before you get married.

Yes. Well, it's nice to remember some of them.

and manage them all.

Ah, morning, all. Morning, morning.

You'd have to help yourself to breakfast, I'm afraid, Tom. We're all a

sixes and sevens. Donuts proud here, Mrs. Herbert.

Wonderful sight. Must be best part of 12 ,000 salsanas in there.

No spoons?

I discovered they hadn't been sterilised since our last visit, Tom. So I'm

giving them a good boil.

Have you seen what old Mrs. Lankford sent them as a wedding present?

Black leather. Black leather what?

Well, until I saw the picture of these girls on the front of the box, I thought

they were high -security luggage straps.

Why would Mrs. Lankford send something like that?

Probably my fault. Remember, she phoned earlier, two weeks ago, to ask what we'd

like and suggested Alison might appreciate...

Black and Decker attachment.

Obviously depper than I thought.

Ah, no milk. Well, never mind.

Go out into the street.

Um, I think it would be advisable, Tom, to return these discreetly to the box

number indicated.

No need. Think Alison quite keen on them.

A glass of lager. Thank you.

A bit early in the day for me. But

I'm sorry you've only had sugar puffs, Tom.

How do you hope that's cooking your proper breakfast now?

Ah, good.

Oh, yes.

I wanted you to admire this before it goes on the cake.

Splendid.

Very little thing.

Seen Cousin Janet's wedding present?

Fold away coffee, come games table. Made it herself.

Yes, plays tune as well.

Works by remote control, Tom. Oh, really? When you want it to change the

and ladders, you clap your hands and it plays a tune.

What? Like this?

That's if you don't want chess anymore. When the music starts, it's all...

Pity about, um... Ah, well, never mind.

Did you sleep all right in the tent, Tom? Yes, yes, yes. Much better,

Only one disaster at last night, about three o 'clock. Grappling irons on low

-flying hot air balloon pulled out main guy rope.

Oh, no.

Anything wrong?

Oh, Tom, it's from the post office about the wedding invitation.

Oh, absolutely.

Sent out 150, not a single reply.

Any explanation?

Corporation Payride came through.

His wife had twins and he sold his first novel.

He doesn't remember doing it, but they found all the invitation tied to a

pigeon's leg on top of the Royal Oak.

Fairly typical, I must say.

There's the honeymoon ticket.

Yes, yes. Haven't even got right continent this time. Oh, no, Tom. The

the travel agent's promised me.

Yes.

Oh, we'll have to go round there. Ah, could be tricky, Alison.

Car for... of cardboard boxes.

Boxes of what?

Wedding photos.

Odd thing. Find one here.

Rather flimsy dress, lit from behind, can see all her...

This is to say, whoever it is, bring some news to cheer you up.

Hold on.

Ah, Bob, just the fellow. Come in.

It's bad news, I'm afraid, Tom.

Well, still been bowler short for next Saturday.

Easily changed honeymoon date.

No, the fact is, I'm not going to...

able to be best man for you tomorrow.

My grandmother's died, you see.

As you know, Tom, she was leaving me her money on condition I got married before

I was 35.

Yes, remember it well. It said you preferred to wait for right woman. Not

to be bought for a few hundred pounds. Man of principle. Remember it well.

Yes.

Well, I've just come from the lawyer and it's not a few hundred pounds.

It's a quarter of a million.

But you're not 35.

Tomorrow. I've got until midnight to get married.

Don't be silly. I mean, even with a special license it takes. Not in Nevada.

I've got two tickets on the 6 .30 Concord to New York. The LaGuardia

gets to Las Vegas at 10 .35 local time. They can do the job in ten minutes at

the airport chapel.

So you're planning to get engaged before 6 .30 this evening?

Yes. I have to admit, Bob, chances of forming strong, loving relationship next

eight hours.

Fairly slim.

Anyone in mind? Not really. I'll just ask everyone I know. Here we are.

And then everyone else.

Something wrong?

No, no, not at all. It looks absolutely marvellous to me.

Thank you.

Sorry, Tom. I hope you know I wouldn't do it if it wasn't such a very large sum

of money. Sorry.

I say, young lady, I wonder if you've got... Oh, well,

got to find new best man next 24 hours.

Not going to be easy.

I'd like to shoot the bridesmaid first, Mr. Benson.

Good idea.

Let's just check the focus.

Right.

Let's get a bit of light on the subject.

Take a few readings.

That's fine.

I can't really blame her, Tom. I mean, getting married's the one thing she's

ever wanted.

Yes, remember her catching bouquet at Wedding of Cousin Dennis?

Leapt from the crowd like trained killer whales.

Sorted in her teeth at 20 yards.

Well, I hope Bob realises that divorce afterwards might not be so easy.

Tricky business, divorce law.

No, I wasn't thinking of the law, Tom. It's Janet.

I mean, don't be fooled by the CND badge.

She breaks breeze blocks with her head at karate class.

Well, Tom, I think we'd better get down to the travel agents.

Mummy, I've put my wedding dress in the box. Oh, all right.

Tom, did you sort out about those boxes in the car?

Yes. Reported it to police station. Just going to check with Walter now. See you

later.

I think now I'd like a shot of the rubberised underarm sweatpants. Oh,

That's lovely.

Yes, yes.

Hold it, darling. That's lovely. That's lovely.

And... I wondered if I could use phone.

What? Oh, yeah. Sure, sure. Go ahead.

Yeah, I'll take that. You use the other line. Right, right. Well, keep your

moment, Mr Little. Yes, fine.

Hello, Benson Photography.

Yes, Benson speaking.

Hello, yes, Sergeant Goff, please. Oh, hello, Charlie. You got everything all

right, then? Ah, hello, Walter, yes. Tom Chance here. A reported car full of

cardboard boxes earlier this morning. What do you mean, missing? You can't

lose 20 ,000 photographs.

Yeah, saw some of them.

Photos of weddings.

And all the videocassettes. I don't believe it. I really believe it myself.

No idea who left them there. I did, Charlie. I put them in the motor list

you told me.

Orange van parked higher up road. No, no, didn't notice anything.

Van? That was Orange Beetle.

Look, you sure you gave me the right number?

O -G -R -2 -1 -1 -M.

Here, hang on a minute, Charlie.

Yeah, that's just one of those coincidences of mine. Listen, listen.

van have false plates?

Never mind, Al. Look, I'll get back to you. Yeah, all right.

OK, Walter.

Yes, just... Bye.

Excuse me. Everything all right? Excuse me. I couldn't help overhearing that

you'd found a few packages of mine in your car this morning.

You haven't got them outside, have you? Ah, yes, just been collected by police.

Like me to phone... Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

That's all right.

I'll get in touch. Oh, stolen, were they?

No. Yes, yes. As a matter of fact, they might have been. Oh, well, you needn't

worry with Sergeant Goff on the case. You know, he's like a little...

Every other way he scratches away till he gets to the bottom of things, he

tells. Highest conviction rate in south of England. Yes, no problems.

Nothing to worry about.

We're all ready for you, Mr. Benson.

So far, Michael, he's had her, the bridesmaid, her mother and the auntie.

He's doing things now with a three -tier wedding cake that'd make your eyes

water.

Of course it's her, don't you think? I know my own flesh and blood.

Right. If I ever find out who's responsible for all this, I... Mr. O

Well, what do you want? Good manners from you, for a start.

Name's Chance. Come to complain about honeymoon.

Look, I'm a travel agent. I can't be responsible for your personal life. Yes,

before train of thought plunges finally down toilet, I want to make one thing

clear. Tom, Tom, Mr. O 'Brien, I think it's your daughter I normally deal with.

Is she available?

Well, yes.

Unfortunately, she's just this moment stepped out. Can I help?

Well, we're getting married tomorrow, Mr. O 'Brien, and for our honeymoon,

booked to go to a lager festival.

Why did these tickets yesterday? Don't you want to go to Leidenberg? Yes,

certainly do. Just prefer to go to Leidenberg in Holland to one in

What?

In Africa.

Oh, I see.

So you want to change this, do you?

I'd better get the file.

And the date's wrong as well.

Dad wanted to book for fortnight.

According to this, can't come back for a year and a half.

Oh, really?

I think I know how it happened. Yes, but for some reason, both of the tickets

are made out to Mrs. and Mrs.

It's obviously some sort of computer error. We wondered if you'd check.

Oh, there we are.

I'm sorry, check what?

The reservations on the computer.

What, now?

Look, O 'Brien.

Patient's beginning to wear thin.

Unless immediate action, likely to come round that side of counter and set fire

to... All right.

Well, you see, I did the best I could with your tickets yesterday, but it's

daughter, the one that did the computer course.

I spend more time with the coaches, you see, checking the oil, higher pressures

and things like that.

I'm sorry.

It's on the blink again.

Not good enough, O 'Brien.

Daughter operates computer.

daughter should be here now.

Ah, Michelle.

Michelle. Michelle, we were just talking about you. It's my body, father. My

body, understand?

I'm over 21 and I'll do with it whatever I like.

Beginning to understand. Remember photos in carp fried in flimsy dress?

Recognize those legs anywhere.

I hope it turns out all right, Mr O 'Brien.

This wedding photographer.

You wouldn't happen to know the name of him, would you? I'd like to settle up

with him. John... Benson.

John Benson.

Gannett Close.

Now, about tickets.

Benson Gannett Close.

Well, we'll see how he likes the speech from the bride's father.

Oh, well.

Looks like the honeymoon's off as well.

know a little cricketing pub near Dorking.

We've lost the best man, bridesmaid, most of the wedding guests, not even

lunchtime.

Learned from past experience, Alison, comes a point where at least have

reassurance nothing else can go wrong.

That's fine.

No, no.

Maybe if she had some flowers, Eric.

Oh, nice one, Doreen. Very nice.

What do you think? Up a bit?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's perfect.

Mr. Benson!

Mr. Benson!

Michelle!

Trouble is there.

They've cut the line.

I'm not going to make it any difficult. You'll probably want us out of the way.

Come along, Doreen. Oh, I wouldn't live out with you.

Dressed like that, you'll probably think it was you in the film.

What film?

We made a little adult featurette involving certain members of a wedding

And a three -tier wedding cap. Oh, yeah, that cake, yeah.

Come along, Doreen. No, no, no, I should stay down here.

It's not as bad as it seems.

We've had this sort of trouble before.

In your lying door.

Embedded in solid concrete.

I mean, unless they've got a pneumatic drill.

I think you should do something, Derek. Derek, I really think you should do

something. Please, Doreen, maybe there's another way out. It's a cellar, Derek.

The back wall.

The what? The back wall.

When they did the conversion work, they bricked up an old ventilation shaft.

Now then, I've got them to leave me a couple of bricks somewhere. Ah, yes,

we go.

Always handy to have a hidey hole.

Now, it's only a short drop, I think.

Well, about 30 feet or so.

Now then, let's try and get some of these... Hang back!

Excuse me, Uncle Derek.

Listen, we're doing a version of Conan of the Barbarian next month. If you're

interested, I could get you a very... Doreen! What are you doing with my

dress? It's a 30 -foot drop, Janet. I'm sorry, but we have to climb down

something. Doreen!

What an accident, Alice. The 40 -valve teaches me not to leave my window open.

Don't press my pump speed. Only eight seconds for water to come right up to

dashboard. Tom,

I'm expecting Janet.

I want to wait inside.

Better stay out here, thanks, then we can make a dash for the airport. Oh, I'm

sure she won't be very long.

He should try the right -hand turn.

I need to go to the toilet.

Still out there?

Bob? Yes, I think Cousin Janet might have changed her mind.

You'd have to bury Janet Herbert 30 feet underground for a committed charge like

that.

it put on my finger tomorrow.

Which hand?

Just the normal one.

In fact, I wouldn't mind if my dress, the cake and my entire

family disappeared down a hole in the ground.

Just as long as we got married tomorrow.

little present.

Present?

For me?

Golden Strokes.

The development of the cover drive, 1919 to 1931.

You haven't got it all ready, have you? Certainly not.

To Tom, on his wedding day, hoping you have a long and happy innings till the

umpire draws the... Signed, Alec

Bedser. I wrote and asked him, you see.

Alec Bedser.

Told him we were getting married.

To Tom, on his wedding day, hoping you have a long and happy innings... Just a

little thank you present, Tom.

Signed...

but I've taken certain precautions, certain contingencies

in case of more obvious disasters.

I can't promise anything, but if we don't get

married tomorrow, it won't be for want of trying.

Thank you.

I'll see you break old men now.

We'll all have the ending now.