Original subtitles

Here I go again.

I hear the trumpet blow again.

Oh, what a blow again.

Taking a chance on love.

Here I slide again.

About to take that ride again.

Starry -eyed again.

Taken, taken a chance on love.

Hello?

Oh, hello, Mummy.

Yes, it's me, Mummy.

Mother, there's nothing to reconsider. Tom and I are engaged to be married, and

that's that.

Oh, don't cry, Mummy.

Hello, Daddy.

Oh, she's always threatening that sort of thing. You know she never means it.

I suppose she's going to cut some bread or something.

Well, look, you get her down to casualty and I'll ring later on to see how she

is.

Phone, was it?

Yeah. Mother again?

Afraid so, Tom.

You're very opposed to our marriage.

I mean, the latest thing is, what if there were any children?

Wonderful. Oh, do you think so, Tom?

No, no.

Discovered entitled to water rights an entire section of River Guadalquivir.

And marital rights in women in surrounding five villages.

That's nice.

Not been claimed since 1634, but worth investigating.

Not really up to family trees at the moment.

Oh, shame, just found branch going back to 1512.

How's yours going?

Oh, I'm still stuck at 1947.

It'd be much easier if Mummy just told me her age.

Really, I don't think there's anyone interesting in our family, Tom. Oh,

like the sound of your great -aunt, um, you know, um, one who was suffragette.

Oh, great -aunt Ruby, yes, well... She was involved with the suffragettes, Tom.

She used to try and break up their meetings waving a sampler that says a

place is in the home.

It's not quite as exciting as discovering you've inherited a title.

Oh, just coincidence, Alison.

Till last Tuesday, still 19th in line.

If the entire family had been mistaken for Mafia Drugs Conference and poisoned

in Bogota, it would still probably be 19th in line.

Pretty meaningless sort of title, anyway.

I don't see anything meaningless in being Marquess of Valdonis, Tom.

Knight Commendatore of the Order of Centaurelius and Constable of the Twin

Towers of Cothedon.

In fact, I think that's why Mr. Winton wanted you as Godfather this afternoon.

Oh, that reminds me. The piston mug's arrived.

Yes, yes, thank you. You must have wondered why he asked me. My disability,

sort of person people usually avoid.

I think it's jolly lucky to get you, Tom.

I think you make a lovely Godfather.

Oh, Father.

Hardly, Alison.

Why?

Depressing subject, children. Got a few hours to spare. Happy to talk to you

about it. Well, let's talk about it now, Tom.

Fine. Well... Ah.

Excuse me.

Ignorant tussocks, you know.

Wrongly inscribed again.

To Chief Stewardess Denise from Flight Crew of BA617.

Welcome to Three Mile High Club.

I hope we're not too late, Tom. We've got a bit held up.

Yes, Terence insisted on commemorating the christening day by having his photo

taken naked on a bare skin rug.

Ah, rather you than me, Wyndron. Prefer suit and tie on that sort of occasion.

Hello, Maxime.

Mummy'd rather have a large gin and tonic, but a cup of tea would be lovely,

Alison. Right, Barbara, I want a little chin work, anyway.

Ooh, right.

What's he got to tell?

Girl talk.

Ah, drink, Wingent? You wouldn't have a small glass of sherry, would you? No,

thanks. Prefer lager.

How about you?

Thank you. Yes.

It's awfully good of you to look after the little chap like this. It'll only be

for a couple of hours.

Oh, thank you. I don't suppose you know her, but we've... We've asked Lady

Stockbridge to be godmother, and we're giving her a bite of lunch at the...

Amanda Hawksworth. Pardon? Amanda Hawksworth. Used to be at Egham County

School together.

Remarkable teeth.

Once saw her bite nose off rocking horse.

Ready for top -up? Thank you, I'm doing fine.

Alison and I are going to have another go at it.

Getting married.

So too.

Yes, um, we've seen the rector this morning, actually, about another day.

His wife's been on holiday rather a long time, hasn't she? Nearly a year now.

She's staying with her sister in New Zealand. I wanted to ask him about it,

he hasn't been in the library for quite a while.

When his wife was around, he used to spend whole days in there.

Actually, Angela from Overdue Reminders wondered if there hadn't been a bit of,

you know... Well, yes, there was a rather embarrassing photograph you see

Son Born Echo.

It showed the rector with his half -naked girl in a compromising position

Tom's hall.

There was a perfectly simple explanation.

Well, there always is with Tom.

Well, I wonder why the rector didn't sue and demand an apology.

Well, at least that would have stopped his wife from leaving. Yes, and saved

a great deal of loneliness and hardship into the bargain.

Yes.

Barbara, when you first discovered that you were having a baby, how did you

break the news to Mr. Wingent?

Oh, well, looking back on it, not very well, really. I left him a note on his

desk at the library saying, I'm pregnant.

Sign B.

It took him 24 hours to find out it was from me.

I've never seen a man so frightened.

Yes, but when he realised it was you, he was pleased, wasn't he?

Oh, well, surprised, really.

And a bit more reconciled to it once he got the blood test back.

Oh, you know, motherhood's a wonderful thing, Alison.

It's just the baby that's the problem.

Anyway, not that any of that need worry you. Oh, that's great!

Um, no, I won't, thanks. Why not, Barbara?

Well, apart from anything else, I'm trying to get my figure back.

No, why does it not bother me?

Well, you did go and see Dr. Fellows, didn't you?

Well, you're all right then.

I remember reading somewhere that the statistics of the pill not working were,

what, one in a million?

That's what bothers me.

I'm sorry. I wasn't here to greet you, for we caught our first rabbit on the

common, and we're rather overexcited.

I just have to persuade him either to kill it or let it go.

Well, I must say, he's bearing up better than I expected.

Rumour going round the club that wife expects him to come back.

Remember Bill Hartley, second clip?

No. Yes. Got cousin in Auckland, lives with Maori, who sometimes does gardening

for Mrs. Dodge's sister, reckons...

Mrs Dodge, thinking of giving Rector second chance.

That's poor news, Tom. You must tell him. No, no, no. Best not raise hopes.

just be locker room gossip.

My apologies for keeping you.

And for not thanking you earlier for that beautiful bottle of Armagnac. Tom

thought she deserved a treat, Rector. You've had some difficult times.

We broached it at the vestry meeting with some rather fine broadleaf cabanas

from Mr Patel at the newsagents.

Your people have been most terribly kind, you know.

I received this yesterday from the British Legion.

I thought we might... I thought you might need these.

Oh, thank you, Maggie. Would it be all right if I did Mrs. Newsome's cottage

for lunch? Then I could do you Brigadier Cowley's pheasant for tonight.

That sounds most acceptable, Maggie.

Such a nice girl.

She and her baby daughter have most of the upper floor in return for a

bit of housekeeping.

Anyway, what can I do for you? Well, really, I'd like to make a new

for the wedding. Yet we wondered if the 15th was free.

Yes. Yes, we haven't had a lot of luck with our earlier attempts, have we?

Last time with that articulated lorry jackknifing across the aisle.

No, I thought that was... Time before, love.

No, that was when the Puerto Ricans took sanctuary during the... No, no, no, no,

surely. That was trainload of nuclear waste overturned in cemetery.

No, no, that was four times ago, Tom. Probably right. Anyway, I couldn't help

wondering if we didn't see the workings of a divine hand here, that perhaps it

was time to call it a day. No?

No?

Well, it got quite determined, I'll say no more.

The 15th it is.

Splendid.

Who's this little chap, then? MacMillian. Winchurch. Yes, you're

this afternoon.

Good, good.

Such a pity they have to grow into children.

Yes.

Remember, most eloquent sermon you delivered, Rector, on subject of

marriage of waiting before children.

Ah. How long do you have to wait?

Rector recommended 15, 20 years.

Yes. I think it's important that you have time to get to know each other.

And Kate has all been a ghastly mistake.

Which reminds me, my wife, who thanks you very much, Alison, for your

sent you this Maori souvenir and a wedding present.

You've heard the rumour that she might be coming back?

Well, I cabled her to tell her that if her sister needed her, she must not

about me.

Still exciting to think the phone might ring any moment now saying, Mrs. Dodge

at Heathrow.

What is it,

Maggie? Your wife just rang. She's at Heathrow.

Good!

Good. She says she'll make her own way down.

Thank you, Maggie.

Allow me, please. Thank you so much.

May I?

Well, we'll be off then, Tom.

Yes. That's wonderful news, Richter. Yes, isn't it?

Yes, yes. Hope to see you both at Christening this afternoon.

Christening? Oh, yes.

Look, would you mind taking the dog out of the house for a few hours, would you?

Because Mrs Dodge isn't very fond of animals.

Not at all. No problem.

Just until I make a few phone calls and find him a new home.

Pleasure.

You'll find him very obedient and willing.

A good friend.

I shall miss him rather. You'll be all right, but you're very happy to take

That's very kind.

She won't have chickens in the garden either.

Oh, well.

Bang over fresh eggs.

got everything.

Oh, no, it's just the chemis now, Tom.

I promised the rector I'd get some of that cream that takes the back of stains

off teeth.

Ah, it's just going to get gristening, Mike.

Never volunteer for anything.

You weren't in the army, were you, Tommy? Nearly involved in Fulton's war.

Argentinian embassy sent me call -up papers.

Go on.

Mommy can't be far.

I read to her to try and call her from there. I think we might call the police

from there.

Right.

Don't we see any more prams on the way? I hope we leave them where they are.

Some more children.

Good, good.

Could we possibly use your telephone?

Please come in. Thank you.

feel sorry for.

It's the special crimes boys, you see. Think you'll find sugar kept with

biscuits, Walter. Oh, thanks.

Yes.

They're so quick to think of the bad side in everything.

I don't understand how they got down to the rectory so quickly.

Oh, well, that was Mrs Nicholls. Mrs Nicholls? Wasn't that woman caught in

park lift?

Well, she was, but she climbed out through the emergency hatch, pulled

200 feet up the cable onto the roof.

And from there, she saw you wheeling the twins up the rectory drive.

Impressive climb for a woman in her late 70s. Yes.

But once on the roof, she tore sections of the parapet with her bare hands, made

an ingenious sling out of a corset, and started firing chunks of masonry into

the Social Security office's opposite to attract attention.

Met her downstairs.

Frankly glad she was still strapped to stretcher.

Sergeant...

I seem to remember from Persian Act that one is allowed one telephone call in

here. I ought to let my wife know I've been arrested.

No, no, Mr Dodge, not arrested. Sergeant Gop here sorted it all out.

Oh, you mean I don't have to stay here?

No, no, you get straight back to your wife, Padre. Just return from New

She'll have plenty to say to you.

Yes.

Yes, she probably will.

Well... I suppose I'd better be running along.

It's nice to know he's going to a good home. Yes.

Thanks for the tea, Sergeant.

Goodbye, Boffet.

Be a good dog.

I never thought I would visit Lady Stockbridge in a police cell. Oh,

don't think you know... Maximilian, future godmother, handcuffed to a bed.

poor woman had her baby stolen from outside.

thinking the pervert who took it was arrested for shoplifting.

No question of shoplifting, Mrs. Wingent. We put her in a police belt for

the noses of a shop assistant and two of my constables.

Same old Amanda.

Quite frankly, she's lucky not to be in charge. It's all right, darling.

I've found him. He's quite unharmed. Yes, and you've got young Alison to

for looking after him. She's been like a mother to all of them.

There's no doubt about it, Tom. She's got away with children.

She got away with seven this morning, according to the local radio.

He's smiling. You see, he knows.

it is.

Barbara, just wanted to check, christening this afternoon... Yes, Tom,

cancelled it. Despite having 45 guests waiting at the church, three of whom

flown in specially from Bahrain, now we decided that since we had no baby, no

vicar and no godparents, there really wasn't a great deal of point in

continuing. It's at times like this that you really realise what they mean to

you, isn't it? Here you are, Barbara.

Little Maximilian, all safe and sound.

Oh, thank you, Alison.

Oh, Joseph!

Oh, it's a girl, is it?

Sex never was your strong point, was it, Terrence?

I find it hard to tell one from the other.

Not impressed.

Aren't you, Tom?

No, frankly, asked to look after baby for a couple of hours. Turns out to be

Beth's part of day.

Just walk off. Not a word of thanks.

Bad manners, Alison.

Plain bad manners. Oh, they've had a very emotional time, Tom.

Yes, you sit down and have a nice cup of tea, Miss Little, you've earned it.

Oh, thank you.

Yes, with all those children, God knows where we'd have been without you.

Oh, I don't know. Your Sergeant Mullins seemed very competent.

He made them a little mobile out of handcuffs and truncheons.

Lady Stockbridge collected the right baby when she left, I hope? Yes, she

yes, and her dog.

Do you know, in many ways, I think she was more concerned about her dog.

She said she spent three months training it to roll over on its back when you

say, die for your country.

Ah.

Anything the matter, Tom?

Could just be coincidence.

was hardest hit.

Losing wife for good like that.

Really? Thought showed remarkable courage, though. Leading sing -song in

Just to keep up morale.

Know where wife went?

No. Mexico.

Apparently, on visiting son there in labour camp last year, was so impressed

local jailers that they offered her job as wardress.

Tom?

I'm sorry today didn't work out better.

It's probably put you off the idea of having any children at all.

No, no, no. Nothing to do with that, Alison.

Nothing. A cross I have to bear.

Faced fact long ago.

Children out of the question for me.

A slice of cake.

Good God.

Chemistry set.

Whose is this?

Mine.

Show you how to make small...

Where's the rest of the set?

That's it.

What? Rather mean.

No copper sulphate?

I thought all chemistry sets had copper sulphate.

Tom, why mustn't you have any children?

Made in Belgium.

You're always so good with them.

Love them, Alison.

Just have to face fact.

Mustn't ever have any of my own.

Of course.

Always cherished dream of raising WG Grace of the 21st century.

Opportunity to inculcate good habits from earliest years. Straight bat,

left wrist, learning to take bowling ball by ball. But why mustn't you have

Alison, imagine life like mine, dogged by disaster, plagued by coincidence.

Knowingly pass on disability.

Couldn't live with guilt.

have a child unknowingly.

Ah. In answer to your question, Tom, it's a pregnancy testing

kit.

What question?

It's mine.

Sure.

Positive.

Positively all clear or...

Positively what?

It's positively what Tom?

the wedding anymore.

Thank you.