Original subtitles

Here I go again.

I hear the trumpet blow again.

Oh, what a blow again.

Taking a chance on love.

Here I slide again.

About to take that ride again.

Of course I like having you all to stay, Daddy.

It's just unfortunate you've chosen the only few days of the year when Tom's out

of the country.

Yes, isn't it? And if he'd been here, we could have all gone to this dinner

dance as a family.

Yes.

I know. Why don't we invite somebody else? I don't think so, Daddy.

Oh, now, listen, there are plenty of nice young men around, some of whom I

add care for you more than you seem to realise.

You don't want to tie yourself down.

Live a little.

Have fun.

And don't underestimate the affection of people that you perhaps take for

granted.

Oh. Oh, no, it's all right, it's all right. I'll answer it.

It has to be Mummy and Janet.

Well... Well, well.

What a surprise.

Look who it is, Alison.

It's Cousin Thomas.

Hello, Alison.

Cousin, what are you doing here?

I was just passing on my way from St John's Ambulance Course.

What, in Hartlepool?

No, no, I'm living down here now. Well, I'm hoping to. So you'll be able to see

lots more of each other. Good.

I think this calls for a small celebration.

I've... Bought you a present.

Oh, Thomas, you shouldn't have.

Oh, that's very sweet of you.

You know, I really love surprise presents.

Mice!

They're Devon Pinks. You know, I'm the only one in Mouse Fancy who's been able

to breed them to that size. Oh, well, that's good.

Well, Tom will love those. You know, he's been looking for another pet.

Ever since he lost his last little hamster to a champagne cork.

Don't mind me.

Just help yourselves.

Oh, I expect you two young people have got knots to catch up on.

Oh, look. I'm sorry if Daddy seems to be behaving rather

strangely.

I don't know if you've heard, but there's a certain amount of controversy

towards my marrying Tom, and I think he's secretly hoping that... Sorry to

disturb you again.

I've just this second had a thought.

Are you doing anything this evening, Tommy?

No. No, I don't think I am doing anything this evening, Uncle Derry.

you're not doing anything this evening, Thomas, maybe you'd like to take Alison

here to the show when Forrester's born. Oh, Daddy, I'm sure Thomas has got much

better things to do, especially with the Cliff Richard film season starting

again on Channel 4.

It's not, is it?

Oh, I'll get that.

Now, don't you let him bully you, Thomas.

Come on, Thomas, come on, show some initiative.

I don't think it's going to work, Uncle Derry.

Good morning.

Name's Mungo.

Edwina Mungo.

Tom Chan's in? No, I'm afraid he's... Well, he's playing cricket at the

Would you like to call back next week?

Unfortunately, flying back to the South Pacific tonight.

Cook Islands.

Walked out to him when he was a baby, so thought his arm was over.

Oh, what a shame. No, I'm afraid he's playing in Norway.

Oh, excuse me. Look, come in. I'll just get that.

If I could just leave my gunny sack here while I pop out for something to eat.

Nothing too serious, I hope.

Oh, poor Tom. He didn't even leave the airport.

He spent the entire weekend locked in a flight simulator.

Look, we've only got six days. If you want that trainee managership at the

Lionel factory, I want an engagement before Tom gets back.

So, Tom, why didn't you just catch the next plane?

Complicated business, Walter. Got bound up with a group of Bulgarian trainee

pilots and accidentally locked in flight simulator.

Spent entire weekend landing 747 at Lourdes.

Heavy fog, one engine.

Tricky business.

I can imagine.

Yeah, mountains on three sides.

Well, if you'll just give me a few details about this morning, I'll start

up my report. Absolutely, Walter, yes.

Just crossing park.

Ten o 'clock, came upon Bernard here, park attendant, with jaws of live mink

fastened to hand.

He just came at me out of the laurels. Obviously in great pain, couldn't just

abandon him. Wondering what to do, suddenly remembered old Gurkha trick.

He hit him with his cricket bat.

Just at that moment, 400 animal rights protesters appeared on horizon.

No idea what... Madigan, I think when the super suggested a water cannon, he

meant something a bit heavier.

Well, I thought I'd cut it in length and fill them with fans, though, in case

those bastards break in.

Right. Girl obviously got what it takes, Walter. Yes.

So, these protesters, Tom, I suppose, when they saw you eating the mink that

you're... Haven't heard the worst of it yet, Walter.

Standing there, wondering what to do, Bernard here suggested we take refuge in

Park Attendant Park.

When we got there... discovered dark taxidermy for hobbits. I'll pick up the

bodies of mammals from road accidents, you see. At present engaged on little

pair of badger pyjama cases.

Skins pegged out all over the walls. When crowds saw it, went absolutely

berserk. Your squad car hadn't arrived, our vital organs would have been

replaced by satin lining and a 14 -inch brass zipper.

Yes, well, as you can hear, we're not quite out of the woods yet.

They're musking to attack the canteen, Sergeant. We need all the men we can

find. Wait a minute, will you? Is that a button I'm done?

What? Oh, sorry, Sergeant.

Now, listen.

You get every third man, every third man from the south wall of the parking

compound, and we'll rendezvous down at the staff entrance.

All right?

Come on, then. Back. If you'll excuse me, Tom. Absolutely right, sir.

You don't think they'll get in, do you?

What?

Ah.

What, mob after you as well, are they? Yeah.

I've been trampling this snake for two years now.

Nobody's ever complained before.

Set the snake, of course.

Who are you, one? In pub near park?

I was there today. In wedding dress, chained and handcuffed, then step into

with 12 -foot Indian python, only to emerge, minutes later, stark naked,

trampling... The snake, yes. Yes. That's what they were on about.

One that perhaps act wasn't... symbolic in some way.

Now he's just a strip.

You haven't got anything to eat, have you?

Have a look for you.

Half pork pie.

No whole food?

No, afraid not. Perhaps Snake might like it.

Yeah, I'm sure he would. Only I'm trying to educate him onto a vegetarian diet

at the moment.

They're nothing but trouble, Snake.

Ah!

Need any help, Angela?

Oh, thank you, Tom. If you could just take this little one. Yes, yes.

Excuse me.

I couldn't help over -wearing.

I wonder if you've ever thought of having a man in the sack?

What do you mean? Is that of us tonight?

Being trampled and handcuffed.

Oh, Alison, got through all right?

Oh, only just, Tom. In the end, Sergeant Bob had me arrested by the next ward.

Sorry about that, Miss Little. Oh, no, no, no, no. You had to make it look

convincing.

Had your hair done, have you?

It's getting really unpleasant out there, Tom, and it's you they're after.

a bit excessive. Just hit mink on head with bat.

What? Rob?

Slave? Is there anything like me?

Not good, Arden. Must have reached car compound by now. Don't mind that window,

Tom. Walter's favourite photograph. Shaking hands with Queen Mother.

Got any nails yet?

That'll be the lesbian save the whale brew.

Stand back, Arden. They're reloading.

This is an illegal...

One more like that and your mother gets to hear about it.

Listen, Tom, your young lady has come up with an idea that might get us all out

of this. Yes, we thought if we smuggled you out as a policeman... Yes, you see,

we could show them that you'd gone and of course they'd have no further reason.

It's worth a try, Walter.

There is just one snag. The uniform.

place. Before that business with Bulgarians, you know, security police

me for carrying a gun. A gun?

Yes.

This is the fellow who caused all the trouble. Sheet, metal, cut -out,

to scorebook. Obviously, some kind of practical joke. When suitcases went

through x -ray, showed up as real things.

You mean to say that's someone's idea of a joke?

Honestly, they didn't want you to go to Oslo with them.

It does mean you'll be able to come with us tonight, and we're going to have a

nice meal here, and then we're all going on to the ball.

Lovely idea, Alison, but probably still looking after Mrs Mungo that time. Odd

thing, name so familiar, can't put faith to it. What sort of woman is she,

exactly? Excuse me, Alison.

There's a strange woman in the kitchen. She wants to know if she can light a

small fire in the garden.

See, absolutely no reason why not. Give her a drink first.

Well, Colin Thomas, very nice to see you again.

How's leg?

Fine, thanks.

Good. I thought it was your arm that he broke.

It was.

She's a very strange woman, Alison.

She's got a tattoo.

Discrete little tattoos, rather.

What's the size of a pineapple?

It's a picture of Mount Everest with Union Jack and well done Sir Edmund on

What happened to Tom at the airport?

Oh, it's somebody's idea of a joke. Apparently, somebody sellotaped this

like, a book he was carrying.

Big Dorrit?

Are you Thomas?

Might be.

Ta -da!

Formal introductions.

Like you to meet Edwina Mungo, one -time nanny.

Alison Little, present fiancé. You'll have to excuse me, Anne.

Had a very good morning. After she finished carp tickling, she got four

It wasn't difficult.

Piece of bread and they sit on your shoulder just waiting to be gone.

Well,

it's very nice that you should both be together again after all these years.

Now, where's me camera? Must get a little shot of it. Wouldn't mind chance

change first.

Of course. and freshen up your lipstick, I quite understand.

Dammit!

They've gone!

I see a woman crying.

Oh, that'd be Mummy. She had a very nasty experience in town this morning.

Unfortunately, it shows wrong moment to pick up mink stole from cleaners. Animal

rights protesters... Yes, 50 of them ran out of ground. in the car park lavatory

and sprayed rich pitch all over it and green fluorescent paint.

Hmm, there's another woman with her. Also unhappy.

Of the anger and frustration.

Cousin Janet.

Ah, uncanny, Alan.

Uncanny. She took Mummy into a little pub for a brandy to steady her nerves,

she saw her fiancé chained in a sack, being trampled by a naked stripper.

Spot on about anger and frustration.

Took him out, put him through a window of millets. Right, now, here we have a

pair of lovers.

Ah, really?

Um, who...

I think that's probably us, Tom.

Ah, he's uncanny, Alison.

Uncanny. And they should live... Oh, dear.

What? Oh, dear, I'm a bit confused by the serpent.

Normally it means chaos and disruption.

Excuse me, Alison, but I think your mum's still a bit upset.

We've got a radio too, but... But now she wants Benji. Benji?

Dog. Small, fluffy, not too steady on pins.

Last seen fornicating with cushion on sofa.

Benji! Benji!

Mummy's had it a great many years. It's had a very calming effect.

Can't be too far away. Found collar.

You belong to my mother. Don't start again, Doreen. Oh, no.

She just wants to give the nitromores another hour.

I could have tied him up. I could have trampled him. Yes, well, I think

following him into millets and stuffing him in a rucksack was probably the next

best thing, Janet.

Why didn't he tell me?

Sorry to take so long.

Next course rather interesting, actually.

Small problem.

One pigeon short.

Anyone for squirrel?

Excellent choice, Dorian. Marvellous. Won't regret it. There we are, Derek.

That's for you.

My goodness, this looks exciting, Charles. Normally parakeet mango.

Traditionally served at nose -piercing of new wife.

One word of warning.

Cooked with internal organs intact.

Obligatory to eat, but apparently gives highly distinctive flavor.

Mrs. Mounder says it also gives the pigeons a better lifestyle after they

their ancestors.

Vegetable! That's for you, Cousin Thomas.

A dog has a heart attack picking up a shaped biscuit.

for that.

It gets thrown in at the start, and when it starts to sing, and it's a very

recognizable song, a terrapin song.

Means beer's ready, huh?

Then I take the terrapin out, and it's worshipped as a god.

You're still suffering from these coincidences, then. Not so much,

Winnie. It occurred to me recently.

Situation's definitely improving.

And Alison, she doesn't mind?

Tower of strength, Winnie.

Extraordinary girl.

Disasters happen all over the place. Other people.

Alison's just smiling.

Good, good. It's odd things. The parents are quite different. Rather highly

strung, in fact. Main reason why I suggested we eat out here. Leave them

Enjoy a quiet, peaceful evening.

That wasn't a scream, was it?

A scream?

This pipe makes a hearing very difficult.

Well, go and have a look.

Winnie, screwdriver down throat, one thrust, all over in seconds.

Quite easy when you're used to it.

Yeah. Now, you won't just leave it in the freezer, will you? No.

As I said.

Yeah. Sliced into steak, 20 minutes on the grill.

Just a dusting of coconut. Looking forward to it. Alison, more guava pot.

Thank you, Tom.

Yeah. You're worried about Mother.

Oh, I'm more cross with her, really.

I realise now just how opposed she is to our marriage, and I would so like it to

have had a parent's blessing.

Difficult, yes.

Unfortunately, can't really help.

Oh, it's hardly your fault.

Tom's parents were drowned when he was little.

You're part of the world, Winnie. Went on cruise, left me to stay with old

Evelyn, set off from Tonga, 1953,

never seen again.

Sorry to hear that.

Only four months old at the time.

No memory of either of them. Excuse me.

Ah, only one thing. Yes, do remember, Mother had tattoo of Mount Everest

on left forearm.

Size of a pineapple.

Extraordinary woman.

Really wish I'd known her.

I know what you must be thinking.

We were shipwrecked.

It's just that by the time we were rescued, we'd just managed to collect

driftwood for a greenhouse.

Then Tom's dad died from the fever and I had to take over the garden centre.

Not long after that, Mungo came along and somehow... Son!

Didn't you miss him at all?

he was being well looked after by Uncle Evelyn.

I was very young, Alison, and bringing up Tom was a bit like living tied to a

lightning conductor.

That's why the doctor advised I go on the cruise in the first place.

Yes, I see. Came back because I thought maybe these coincidences had stopped.

Uh, telephone call from taxi people.

Apparently animal food carrier tipped entire contents on cab rank.

Up to their knees in calf nuts.

No cabs available.

But obviously they haven't.

Doorbell. Better attempt.

I think if you don't mind, we won't tell him.

Well, I'll leave that up to you.

I did send him a bottle every Christmas, but somehow I don't think he got it.

Well, it's quite a long way from the coast here. In any way, the tides might

have been quite...

about not having a parent's blessing.

Well, it's not much to give, but for what it's worth, you have it.

He's not very bright. I always knew that.

But I think he's been very lucky in finding you.

And I hope very much you'll both be very happy together.

Thank you.

What a coincidence.

Cab at door.

Came to wrong house, but doesn't mind taking us. Can't miss me playing.

Cook Islands, here I come.

Interesting woman, Mrs. Mungo.

Too sad she couldn't stay.

Only met her ten hours ago. Feels as if I've known her all my life.

She left a little wedding present for you, Tom.

Ah, same as stuff she was smoking. She said not to worry if your mouth goes

numb. I don't have anything serious planned for at least three days.

I'll knock.

fact on me at all.

Oh, bother. I meant to give her this to read on the plane.

Oh, I gave her a book from Cyborg.

Which book?

Big Dorrit.

A book about a woman with extremely large... Yes, I know what it's about,

I thought I'd give her a few surprises. Yes, I'm sure you're right.

Yes, I said she could return it if she came back.

I think she ever will.

Probably not. Yeah.

Don't let your cocoa get cold.

No.

Thank you.