Original subtitles

Here I go again.

I hear the trumpet blow again.

Oh, what a glow again.

Taking a chance on love.

Here I slide again.

About to take that ride again.

Starry -eyed again.

Takin', takin' a chance on life.

Morning, Allison.

Brought you a cup of tea.

That's very kindly, Tom.

Bought dress, too.

Got zebra droppings out, all right.

Still rather distinctive smell.

Doesn't matter, Tom. Your cousin Mary lent me some things last night.

Well, I hope you don't mind. I borrowed a pair of your pyjamas.

Long years of boyhood, Alison.

Dreamt a body like yours would climb into my pyjamas.

But, Tom... Didn't often happen, of course.

I'm here now, Tom.

Yes.

You've been out riding? Yes, yes. Went out with George Poulter.

Odd thing, doesn't seem to come back yet. Tom, you didn't let him ride old

Satan, did you?

Old Satan?

No, because it's on that list of things your uncle asked us to be careful of

while we were here.

Here we are, number 73.

Yes?

Since the stable fire, Satan has become highly strong and too dangerous to ride.

Ah, got you right. No, no, no.

Poulter went out on horse called Stan.

Written up over stable door.

Magnificent beast.

Eighteen hands, jet black.

That's rather large, isn't it? Yes, yes, but Poulter knows no fear.

No respecter of country code, though.

Thundered off through four hedges, shouting at the top of his voice,

into dead man's bog.

Hope he knows secret path back.

Perhaps you'd like to join us tomorrow?

Oh, Tom, if I could borrow some clothes, I'd love to come.

I was always very keen on Pony Club as a girl. Really? Never knew that.

Well, not a real Pony Club, of course, just the little plastic horses from

Janet's model farm and some straw in the bottom of the wardrobe.

But we mucked out, made little rosettes, kept a proper stamp book and

everything.

Tremendous.

Until Daddy found the boy next door gelding my little cart horse with a

soldering iron and he confiscated the straw.

Ah.

Lucky enough, personally, to ride range with Arnold here.

Good boy.

Seat well, though, did you?

Well, to be honest, Tom, no, I didn't.

I suppose I was just worried about this weekend.

Tom?

I thought there might be one left.

relations and friends, Tom. You know, I so wanted it to be a success.

Well, last night wasn't a very good start, was it?

Yeah, it's all my fault, Renny.

I should never have gone through a safari park like that. I wasn't thinking

the zebras, Tom.

I just found it rather embarrassing to arrive in a strange house after midnight

in a police car with a siren jammed.

And then to get out to find it's run over the family cat.

Very old cat, Alison.

Hardly ever used these days.

I got the feeling standing there in the hallway that he'd rather we hadn't come

at all. Not at all, Alison. Not at all. Not like you.

No, they're your relations.

And, you know, I want so much for it to be a success. I want them to like me,

Tom. I had no idea the house was this big, and I can't remember anybody's

Which one was George Poulter?

Poulter? Ah!

One who got shoveled to scrape cat off gravel.

So who was the woman who was complaining about the blood all over her dress?

Cousin Julia.

Short red hair.

Old Dr Caffrey was one who mopped chest with pocket handkerchiefs.

So the man who... pushed his way through the crowd to give the kiss of life to

that young policeman. That must have been Sir... John Blade. That's it. Sir

Blade. Ex -Civil Service.

Old friend of Uncle Evelyn's from Cambridge in thirties. Young fellow in

yellow jumpsuit with him.

Secretary, I think.

All here. Only one reason, Alison.

Celebrate our engagement.

See you at breakfast.

Oh, no, Tom, please.

Wait for me. I'll get dressed and come down with you.

Only wearing top half, Alice.

Oh, I think pyjama bottoms are a little bit personal, Tom.

Yes, um, well... George Porter's still not here.

Do you think we ought to go out and look for him, Tom? No, no, not to worry.

Easily get lift. Always falls on his feet, you know. Yes, probably on his

stretched out in the back of some vehicle, being driven home this very

Morning, Uncle Evelyn.

Morning, Mary.

You're sure this weekend was a good idea?

Well, we had to do something. The poor fellow's just got himself engaged. We

couldn't ignore the fact.

How about if you all went home and sent him a large amount of money in the post?

I've taken a few precautions, and I think we all behaved sensibly and

Well, I'm laying odds one of us won't be here for dinner tonight.

What sort of precautions?

Just the usual things, the obvious things.

I've alerted the emergency services. We've evacuated the two next -door

cottages.

Jarvis has put a first -aid box in every room, and I've locked the gun cupboard.

I'm afraid that means the shoot is cancelled.

Thank God for that.

I thought we'd play cards instead.

And there was one other thing.

Morning, Uncle Evelyn.

Morning. Morning, Mary.

Morning, morning.

Just help yourself from the sideboard, my dear.

Wish I could remember what the other thing was. Other thing?

Oh, nothing.

It's going to annoy me all day.

Did you manage to sleep all right, Alison?

Yes, thank you. We were a little concerned by the screaming.

Oh, I'm sorry about that.

You see, I was just getting undressed when I heard this animal in the ivy

outside my window.

But fortunately, Tom rushed in and rescued me.

Extraordinary. What sort of animal? Probably a dead one by now.

Slammed window, stop it getting in.

Her sharp cry of animal pain.

Probably squashed it.

Morning, Doctor.

Late.

Everything all right?

Oh, yes.

I cut myself shaving.

Oh, it was quite an eventful journey last night.

Yes, I'm sorry it was so late.

Thank you for lending me the clothes.

Not at all.

What happened exactly to your head? In the safari park?

Well, it started with the baboons, you see.

Over the years, they've collected a large number of car keys, and they just

happened to have one that fitted Tom's boobs.

And they fed the entire contents of my whole daughter to the zebras.

Surely, if you'd kept on driving... No, no, no.

Tyres shot away by game wardens.

He was making a protest.

Yes, you see, the problem was Ronnie the rhino.

Now, he was the game warden's favourite, you see.

Ronnie the Rhino, extremely short -sighted, formed sexual attachment for

metallic grey mini.

Which I think, in fairness, Tom, I think he did need a new exhaust pipe anyway.

Rhino put down yesterday.

Yes, and we were the first cast through after the warden heard the news. As I

say, he was making a protest.

Yes, yes. All right, then, just a quick dip.

Ah.

that John, a young friend, might try it myself this afternoon.

What?

Swimming.

That was it.

What was?

What I was trying to remember.

Come on, Jolly. Last one in for safety.

We drained the swimming pool.

Seven hearts.

No head.

Got three pheasants this morning.

Pheasant? But I locked all the guns.

No, no, with lawnmower.

Caught them by surprise on croquet lawn.

Gave cuttings box to Jarvis. Thought he might manage shepherd's pie tomorrow.

people do find it odd in the circumstances that I should get on so

Tom. You know, him being keen on the quiet, organised life.

It's the attraction of opposites, I suppose.

I suppose it must be.

I thought you might like to see some pictures of Tom when he was young.

Oh, lovely. Thank you.

Any news of your young friend, Sir John?

Oh, the doctor said to phone in an hour.

Can't have done him any good sliding across the swimming pool floor like

What did he do exactly?

Oh, he's a very talented young man, Julia.

Manages a wallpaper shop called the Happy Pastel.

And he was such a beautiful boy, wasn't he?

Yes.

I'm so sorry.

No bid.

No bid.

Seven spades.

No bid.

No bid.

Do you play Monopoly, Tom?

I'll go and get the board.

There he is, shaking hands with the post.

Ah, looking at old family photos. Not too boring. Oh, certainly not, Tom.

There's one of you here bowling against Colin Cowdery. Ah, yes, yes, yes.

Charity match. Got him out on first ball.

Later discovered, bales fell off as a result of minor earth tremor.

Could be right. Hang on, just a tick.

Sir John, recognise yourself, do you?

Uh, no.

No, this isn't me.

As a matter of fact, I distinctly remember I was in Sheffield that

Oh, who's that in their underwear outside the National Gallery?

That's me.

My fault again.

Yes, caught Cousin Mary in revolving... door just as uncle was going to take

photo.

Oh, what a pity. I've spilled coffee all over it. Now I will never know who it

is. Don't you worry. Negatives all safely stored upstairs.

We need a cloth.

Mr. Jonathan.

Really?

Yeah, you're right. With the same man, too.

Giving him a tube of toothpaste this time.

Sir John?

You've got a machine gun in this one.

Yes, that was in Kensington Gardens.

He caught it when a gangster threw it out of his getaway car.

Fortunately, the policemen on duty outside the Russian embassy were

understanding. Look, Sir John, again, coming out of Embassy Gate.

The couple with him look vaguely familiar.

Aren't these the Krogers?

Absolutely right, Alison.

Look,

young Guy Burgess in background.

Historical photograph, this one, Sir John.

Sir John? I think he's gone to ring the hospital.

Right, now I'll be top hat.

Who else is playing?

Not least, the geese are flying tonight.

Flying!

Oh, look, Corkle sawed the code.

Just tell General Palaikin if I'm not on the next aeroplot for Moscow, he'll be

needing an umbrella, because this ghost is fast developing a serious attack as

the Screaming Trot Kid.

Sir John, I'm afraid we played for you.

Landed on community chest.

Want to know whether you want to pay ten pound fine or go to jail?

Probably just simplest, send him to jail.

I have always liked it down here, secluded and private.

Are you sure they're safe?

Safe? The bees?

Oh, yes.

Like most people, if you are nice to them, they will be nice to you.

Oh, what is this?

I'm afraid one of the little fellows has crawled down the back of your train.

No, no, no, don't move.

We don't want to make him angry.

But if I just stand here, do something, Dr. Caffrey, please.

Oh, really?

We could get him clear if I just gently does it.

Can you see anything?

Not yet, my dear, but I'm sure I can.

Made this myself.

It's all very impressive equipment, Tom.

Was this a present as well? Matter of fact, yes, from Sir John.

Visiting house one day, carrying suitcase, it fell open in landing.

Asked him what it was.

Said radio transmitter.

Present for me.

Special surprise.

Extremely generous. Not even birthday or anything.

They're very good to you, aren't they, Tom? I mean, I know it hasn't always

easy for you, but you've had a very rich childhood.

So, yes.

Toys and books and comics.

We never had comics at home.

Farron? Just Daddy's crochet magazine on a Thursday.

But I used to read a little bit sometimes, you know, a raglan sleeve or

bit of Fair Isle, reinforced gusset, perhaps.

But, you know, it wasn't the same as real stories.

Is this ready to go, then? Should be.

I think you'll find this rather impressive.

Norwegian whaler.

All right, Captain.

It's been programming, spent one entire summer programming this to do the

following.

But to do what, Tom?

Odd thing.

Transmitting at full power, not a flicker.

right there. Let me deal with it.

I think they must be drawn by your perfume.

It does have a particularly attractive mark on it.

Ah, silly mistake. Been transmitting on wrong wavelength.

Tom? Yes?

There's a girl running down the drive...

His cousin, Julia.

And Dr. Catherine.

What are they up to?

Why does your uncle want us in the drawing room at six o 'clock?

Short, traditional ceremony. In old days, impending family marriage used to

announced by shooting bag of coins from cannon on terrace for villagers to pick

up. Oh, what a generous idea.

No. No, more sort of sport, really. Old Squire used to love to watch odd yokel

come too close, lose his teeth to passing threepenny bit.

New arrivals nowadays celebrate it with champagne and cake.

Yes, but it's nearly six o 'clock now, Tom.

Target set.

Harpoon loaded. Oh, look, please, Tom, I don't want to get on the wrong side of

your own car. Worth waiting for, Alison. I think you'll find this rather

impressive.

Also activated by voice.

Fire. Fire.

Look, I think I will go down, Tom.

Mary said he flapped her legs once just for missing grace.

Probably best. Join you later, Alison. Aye, aye, Tom.

Portage too low for you, is it? Got something for you.

Is everything all right, Tom?

Yes, yes, all's well.

Oh, I thought I heard someone shout fire.

What does your father do, then?

He's in soft fruits.

He's manager of the cold storage plant at Basildon. But his real love, of

course, is crochet.

Oh, now, that's a good idea.

I'll get Jarvis to put the hoops out on the lawn.

No, crochet.

He's president of the Bazzled and Happy Stitcher Circle.

Actually, it's something of a family tradition.

Tom's traced it back, and apparently in the 17th century, our family were all

jobbing leggers.

I see.

You know, they used to travel round knitting leggings for people.

How jolly interesting.

Yes, isn't it?

When Daddy heard, he sent a pair of crochet tights to the Queen, with a

one leg and a family name on the other.

Haven't seen her wearing them yet, though.

Yes, well, I think it's splendid the way you and Tom hit it off so well. You do,

don't you? Oh, yes, yes, we do.

I know he takes a little bit of getting used to. Oh, but that's what you've done

so well, haven't you? You've got used to him. We never really did.

I must say, today it seems to have gone comparatively smoothly.

Where is everybody?

Must be after six o 'clock. I'll just check the wireless.

I do sincerely hope that you and Tom will be very happy together.

He was welcomed in Moscow this afternoon by his one -time colleague, Kim Philby.

With further embarrassment to British intelligence... There we are. Six o

news. I'll just ring for Jarvis.

I think we ought to open the champagne without them.

Can manage quite well, thank you, Tom.

That's one of Tom's models, isn't it? Norwegian whaler, Uncle.

I didn't know anyone else was allowed to touch them. He was always very attached

to them. I'm quite attached with myself at the moment.

Uncle, would you? Yes, of course.

Thank you.

Mary? I'm sorry, Uncle, I just need a few Valium before I drive myself to

hospital. Hospital?

Got a harpoon in her, um...

Offered to pull it out, but... It's a harpoon, Tom. It has barbs in it. Mary,

are you sure you ought to be drinking that if you're driving?

Quite right, Alison, really. It'll never get to the end of the road.

It might just be a blessed relief.

No, no, no, they're right, Mary.

Jarvis, get rid of this.

I'll take you to the hospital.

Thank you.

Could someone just cut my cable first?

I'd feel marginally less stupid and casualty if I didn't have a Norwegian

under my arm.

Jarvis, we'll take the roll, so you'll need your cap.

because of one little accident.

Come along, Jarvis.

Sharpen it up.

Well,

this is for us.

Long and happy engagement.

Tom? Yes?

Sure Jarvis can drive hunched over the wheel like that?

Jarvis? Perfectly safe. Never had an accident in 50 years.

Poor Sherry, lower intestine, likely to be pickled for posterity.

Look, there's little names here telling people where to sit.

There's Cousin Mary.

Oh, you're here, Tom, between Dr.

Caffrey and Cousin Julia.

The thing is, actually, I'm rather hungry.

Uncle Evelyn, Sir John's young man.

Yes, wondered if we might start.

Look, and I'm here, Tom, between Sir John...

Something might be wrong.

Oh, there's nothing wrong here, Tom. It's absolutely perfect.

Ah, yes.

Jellied consomme.

Would have preferred something hot. Still, everything will be all right when

Jarvis turns up with roast mallard and stilton stuffing.

Oh,

I'm sure they won't be very long, Tom.

No. Do you know, I feel so really worrying about this weekend. You know,

it'll be a success or not.

for once being so kind and friendly. Yes. Cousin Mary lending me this lovely

dress and the champagne and the cake in my honour. And Dr Caffrey's promised to

show me the bees tomorrow.

And I know, I just know I'm going to remember this weekend for as long as I

live.

Good.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

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