Original subtitles

Here I go again.

I hear the trumpet blow again.

All the love blow again.

Taking a chance on love.

Things are mending now.

I see a rainbow blending now.

Here I have the ending now.

Taking, taking a chance on love.

Apparently not.

According to this, died on Tuesday.

Oh, let me see.

What the fuck is this, though?

It's spurned by lover.

Threw petrol over self, lit match, committed suicide.

Well, they could have used a different picture than that. You look all cross

-eyed.

See an engagement announcement?

Oh, they've all seen it, lad.

In a manner of speaking, engagement is announced.

between Miss Alison Little and three Labrador puppies.

House trained.

Rented, furnished accommodation required.

£320 on nearest offer. Oh, no.

Have a go and complain again, soil -brained idiot.

I would go myself, Tom, except it's my exam today.

Exam? Piano, part one theory and practical.

That's instead of my lesson.

Yes. To tell you the truth, Tom, I'm not very good at exams.

I get this funny tummy.

When I was seven, I was sick in my pencil box before I took the Chanel

test.

Oh, I thought you just took those things.

In your stride.

impression of being terribly self -confident, Tom, but underneath it all,

often just heaving away.

It ruined my O -level.

In my domestic science, the examiner was just coming round when I threw up all

over my balanced breakfast before.

I got good marks for nutritional content because they couldn't give me a great

deal for presentation.

But if it makes you unhappy, Alison, just don't do it.

Ever since you played Silent Night on your tuba, I decided then and there that

one day I'd accompany you on the piano.

Lovely idea, Alison.

Long winter evenings, just you and me playing in front of the fire. Oh, yes.

Then you could get out your tuba and I could play the piano.

Never mind.

Regular practice, most important thing, really. That's what Miss Dawson says I

need mostly.

That and a piano, of course.

Tom, are you doing anything today?

Yes, I am. Actually, painting front door. Then round to pub for lunch.

Only I was wondering if you could see the vicar about today.

You know, for the wedding.

Oh, yes, of course, of course. Excellent idea. Going to see him anyway. Want to

sort something out.

Oh, there's no problem, is there?

No, no, no, no problem, really. Just a slight snag. Might have to apply for

divorce.

Divorce?

Yes. Happened some time ago, actually, on the cycling holiday in North Wales

with old friend. Came upon small tribe of Yucatar Indians.

Brought there by hippie commune for wigwam building teach -in.

What happened?

No idea.

Woke up next morning, head like a wicket -keeper's box.

Apparently...

Married? Chieftain's youngest daughter.

Six days it took me to get over the mountain.

Thoroughly exhausted.

Yeah, like an emergent.

But worse for friend, of course.

Had to undergo warrior initiation ceremony.

Never been able to look at a flint since.

But this marriage, Tom, that wouldn't be legally binding, would it?

Hard to tell, really. Wrote to Los Mochis.

tribal homeland, but didn't get any reply.

Bound to blow over sooner or later. Thought it a good idea to see Rector.

of course.

Well, perhaps you should have mentioned it earlier.

No, it doesn't matter, Tom.

The main thing, Alison, not to get upset.

No, that's very thoughtful of you, Tom.

Well, um, see you later, then.

Going to library dressed like that?

Oh, it's Roman Day at the library, Tom. It's Mr Wingent's idea.

We're all dressed as guardians of the flame of knowledge.

I'm a vestal virgin.

Quite likely to stay that way.

Yes, morning, yes. Chance, Tom Chance.

Come to complain about picture on front page of newspaper.

Look, she's over 18 and she wants to pose. No, no, no, no.

Wrong picture.

Unfortunate man burnt himself to death on lover's doorstep.

Oh, I see what you mean.

Yes, you do look a bit cross -eyed, don't you?

Headline in appalling taste. Local man fired by love. Well, that's just

newspaper language.

Yeah, it goes on. Phew, what a scorcher.

Second point, man not dead at all.

Sat on front doorstep, threw petrol itself, missed it, burnt the door.

So you're not the fellow who... No, no.

Then what's it got to do with you? My door.

So drunk, missed his own house. Oh, I see what you mean. Tell him what I'll

Mr Chancellor.

As soon as the reporter gets back in.

I'll send him round to sort out the story about the burning, sort out an

to print, and give you a free insertion of the correct engagement announcement.

Better tell, editor, any more mistakes likely to personally give him free

insertion of entire print run up his back page.

All right?

Colonel, get Martin Darling round to his place. I want an apology and a cricket

story that'll get that maniac out of my hair.

I was sorry to hear about Tom being burned to death like that.

What? I should imagine it was very quick, though.

Oh, you mean the newspaper thing? No, that wasn't true, I'm afraid.

Wasn't it? No, they muddled him up with someone else.

I'm afraid I've left his name off the invitation.

I don't know if he wants to come.

Oh, you're getting married again. Not again, Alison. Just trying to get

Can you help me, Mr Dodge?

Thank you.

I wanted to check on the plumbing.

Oh, you can use the staff one if you like.

No.

No, no. I'm looking for a book.

We've got a leaky cistern in the vestry. Oh, do it yourself.

It's in the far corner, Mr Dodge.

Right opposite for your Gasdillion theology.

Right next door to home brewing.

Ah, yes.

You know, I'm sorry to read about your fiancé.

Despite what everyone said, I rather liked him.

Oh, thank you, Barbara.

Tom will be very grateful for the invitation.

Good.

Any news about your own arrangements? Have you chosen a day?

Um, no.

We haven't really thought about that yet.

Oh, well, you should, Alison, before someone else beats you to it.

Don't think I need worry about that with Tom.

Oh, don't you believe it.

No, they're all the same.

I can always tell when Terence is trying it on with someone else, he starts

buying me flowers.

Oh.

Do you know, I think a successful relationship has to be based on mutual

Fear, Alison.

Naked physical fear.

That's what brings them to heel.

I've always told Terence that if ever I catch him being unfaithful, I'll cut it

off with a machete.

Are they? Are they?

I wonder.

I don't know.

What does it want?

Well, I think he wants his lorica loosening so he can go to the lavatory.

This'll do. He's got the table of four ratios I need, you see. We're getting

back up at the moment and the wretched thing flushes of his own accord.

Oh, dear.

It's downright embarrassing, apart from anything else. It flushed itself on

Sunday in the middle of my sermon about the danger of falling between two

stools.

Sir, that story about Tom wasn't true. He's perfectly all right.

Oh, that's good.

And we were wondering if we could come round and see you. It's not urgent or

anything.

I'm sorry, I suddenly had a notion for a sermon.

on the pavement.

Sharpening their pylons.

Oh, they're probably hiding from Mr. Wingent.

He's teaching them to form a testudo in the car park with their little plastic

shields. And then to prove how strong it is, he's going to drive his Volkswagen

over the top of him.

Interesting. They're being very good, really. But we have had a bit of trouble

with the ballista.

Catapult thing, is it? Don't stand next to the notice board, Tom.

to hit people reading the notices with yoghurt bombs.

That's like a water bomb, only with yoghurt.

Excuse me.

You'd gone before I could even say thank you. Had I?

I don't suppose you can possibly know how much these meant to me.

Probably not.

And I can only tell you that when one's lover has attempted suicide by fire, and

when one has been driven from one's home by a husband's petty prying into one's

private affair,

One finds simple, honest gestures like this unbearably poignant.

I just wanted to say thank you from here for these wonderful flowers.

And I hope the fates will one day let us meet again.

before.

Can't quite place it. Extraordinary behaviour.

Yes.

Tom, the rector was here a few moments ago and I've arranged for us to go round

and see him in about an hour.

I wanted to tell you, can't make appointment. Have to go on your own. Got

back to my place for the next couple of hours.

Someone coming round.

Oh, right.

Better push off, really. Just came in to cheer you up.

Thank you.

Have I come to the right place?

Barbara Cartland, Mills and Boone, yes. This is the children's section.

And is there a list of what's gone in town anywhere?

Yes.

Actually, the most up -to -date details are on the notice board.

Thanks for the little book of yours. Our main problem is corrosion in the water

pipes resulting from a faulty olive.

Please sit down, Miss Dick. Thank you.

You say that Tom had done a bit of this sort of thing?

Yes.

If he got stuck, I wonder if he could just pop round and ask his advice.

Oh, I'm sure he'd be glad to help, but why don't you just call a plumber?

Ah, those were the days, weren't they, when you could just pick up a phone.

The last time I got a plumber in, he charged a sort of money that used to be

enough to launch an average -sized destroyer.

So, what can I do for you?

Well, um, I suppose I've come to ask for some advice, but, um, it's a bit

embarrassing.

Good, good.

You see, Tom and I thought we might like to get married.

Oh, dear.

Only Tom thinks he might already... he be married to an Indian woman?

I see.

You're not talking by any chance about this daughter of a Yucatan Indian chief,

are you?

Yes. Because a pagan ceremony taken under duress, I can't see any real

there. Oh, you can't?

Yes.

How did you know about it?

Well, funnily enough, his friend came to see me a few weeks ago.

He wasn't quite as lucky as Tom.

He got mixed up in some warrior initiation ceremony.

Now he really has got problems.

He's only going to pick up a flint and... So you can't see any reason why

shouldn't get married?

Well, it's not a decision you should take lightly, but I'm sure you are both

free to marry whomsoever you wish.

Oh, I can't tell you how relieved I am.

Or not, if you'd rather.

You could just forget the whole idea.

Spend the rest of your days peacefully at home, your feet up in front of the

fire, a pipe...

A good book.

But I thought the church encouraged people to get married.

Interestingly enough, St Paul in the New Testament only recommends it as a last

resort.

Celebrity. That's what he really pushes.

I see. I wonder if you'd keep your voice down.

One never knows who's listening.

But I thought he could hear everything anyway.

No, no, my wife.

You've no idea how sound travels through these ceilings. No, people often

dismiss celibacy because they don't like the idea of chastity.

But I've never found that much of a problem myself.

There's a very interesting little pamphlet I'd like to recommend to you

I wonder if you'd mind not smoking in here, Miss Little. The rector's trying

give it up.

Lunch in an hour and a half, Lawrence. I've just started boiling the cabbage.

Fine.

Fine.

Worth a little read, I think.

Against matrimony?

Yeah. Thank you very much.

But, um, if we should decide to go ahead with it, how soon could we get married?

You had a date in mind?

Well, yes, we...

Saturday? It has to be a Saturday. You sleep because of my parents.

Ah, Saturdays are a bit tricky. You see, my wife and I run marriage guidance

classes on Saturday mornings.

And the afternoons do fill up with sales of work dates and one or two weddings,

I'm afraid.

Look, there's a possible date in late October.

October? It's months.

Well, you just decide.

And then let me know. Now, there are a couple of questions.

I should ask you, I think.

Right.

Does Tom possess a Stillson wrench or a tin of Boss White?

explained about our water. No!

It's been cut off while they put the central heating in. It wouldn't bother

normally, but I've got all this yoghurt down my back.

No water.

Need bath.

Covered in yoghurt.

That's right.

You live with Mrs Holmes, then? No, no. Live here.

Mrs Holmes got house of her own, three doors down.

You mean I've... Aunty said it was the first house on the other side.

I don't believe it. Oh, how embarrassing.

Don't worry. Perfectly simple mistake.

I mean, what you must think of me. My clothes and your washing machine.

The tub's turned on and everything.

If you'll just lend me a coat, I'll go straight home. No, no, no need.

Bath running.

Obviously need one. Might as well stay.

Really?

Oh, that's very kind of you.

Very kind.

If there was anything I could do for you in return.

One thing.

Could clean out baths.

Old pair of Y -fronts under weight disposal pipes.

Oh, excuse me.

Martin Dowling, Tom Bonneco.

Ah, yes.

Excuse me, please avail yourself of the facility.

In here, darling. I'm sorry we're a bit late. Yes? We've been trying to

photograph this tourist site jumping off the top of the income tax building.

Waited most of the morning and then some idiot talked them out of it. Listen to

me. Darling, two points. One, want correction.

Two, want apology.

Any more mistakes, warning you, big trouble, right?

Right. Yes.

We were going to do a small piece on your cricket career, but if you've... My

cricket career?

Yes. Well, you're captain of the Somborn First Eleven, aren't you? Not captain,

exactly. Just a sort of useful spin bowler. Really?

Used to...

at number three position. That's a rather...

Don't you...

Scratching my paintwork.

I just hope you can sleep at night, that's all.

All right, Brian, we'll leave it there. Wait, some explanation you called for.

Well, if you insist on taking my wife, Mr. Johnson, I don't see why you

shouldn't have to put up with our bits and pieces as well. Wife?

The woman you were kissing in the library this morning. Remember?

I told her I'd find out who her lover was one day. It'll take me a long time,

but now I've found you. And here's the proof, in black and white. No, really,

quite simple. Anytime you need any more petrol and matches, I'll be happy to

oblige. You people have no idea of the human misery you cause, do you? What

happens to the dog, huh? Who looks after the guppy fish? You don't think of

that, do you? You don't! All right, we've gone quite far enough.

Now, listen to me.

Very closely.

Yes, all right, all right. Now, newspaper article, misprint.

Not your wife's lover.

Never have been, all right? Anything wrong?

No problem at all. Fellow just worried about his wife or something. That

wouldn't be a brunette, would it? Five foot six, long hair, mole on her right

thigh. That's Joanna. Where is she? I think she's upstairs having a party. Oh,

right.

Perfectly simple explanation, really. Yes, and I look forward to hearing it,

Chance. In court.

Come on, Brian. I didn't say anything out of turn.

Listen to me, darling.

Hello. Hello.

I'm just collecting my clothes.

Good, good.

I wondered if Tom was available.

Oh, yes, I think he's in.

You're all wet.

Yes, I've been plumbing.

Oh.

Everything all right? Oh, yes, it was a lovely bath, thank you. We're all right,

but I wondered if you could borrow some oil skin and one of those rubber

plungers. Yes. Hold it.

piano exam?

Oh, I came joint first with Gavin.

Gavin? Short, dark -haired little fellow, older than the others?

Yes, he's nearly seven now.

Well, we all passed, really.

And then we were formally initiated into Miss Dawson's semi -brief club.

Initiated? Nothing to do with Flint.

No, we all had to shake hands with Miss Dawson, promised to practice every day,

and then we were all given a secret badge.

Secret badge?

Mm. You have to pin it somewhere where people who aren't semi -briefs can't see

it.

Reverend Dodge phoned earlier.

Wife gone on holiday.

Oh, really? Where? New Zealand.

Staying with cousins for a couple of years, apparently.

How's he taking it?

Surprisingly well, really. Seemed almost cheerful.

Faith, obviously a great comforter.

Yes, I suppose it must be.

One silver lining, though, Alison.

Marriage guidance class is suspended.

Sophie can marry us any time after the 21st. What about the 22nd?

Good. Are you ready, then? Yes. For one, two, three.

Alison.

Where's yours?

What?

Secret badge.

Oh, I thought you could have a little look for that later on, Tom.

Thank you.

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