Original subtitles

Here I go again.

I hear the trumpet blow again.

Oh, what a blow again.

Taking a chance on love.

Here I slide again.

About to take that ride again.

Darby, I'd again.

Taking a chance on love.

Isn't that Tom?

Mole at door.

Anti -vivisectionist, apparently.

Against small animals being used for experiments. Got priority in prize draw.

Morning, Tom.

Busy this morning? Yes, I have been rather, Tom. I got up at half past five

I've washed down the paintwork, done the loose covers and curtains.

Yes. Soaked the hands. Yes. Scrubbed the vegetables, finished the soup.

I've polished the silver.

Yes. I'm just doing the table.

Need any help?

No.

I've done it all now, Tom, thank you.

How's the proper job that's getting on? Cleaning chest of drawers upstairs,

spare room.

What? Bill? Yes, more conscientious than expected.

Stripped off paint, wire wool, graded wet and dry sandpaper, now putting on

second coat of varnish.

That's not another prize, is it? Yes, yes, magic set. Got it from local paper

for colouring in a picture of Paul Daniels.

Strange, Eddie.

It certainly is. Your colouring's awful.

You keep going over the edges.

Frankly worried, Alison.

This morning, quartz clock.

from Reader's Digest.

Rubber gloves from Green Tornado for having correct lavatory clean. A third

prize this morning.

I don't see why winning a few prizes should bother you, Tom.

It happened to me before. Sort of winning streak, not the happiest of

I think a winning streak sounds rather fun, Tom. I mean, if it really got

you could find buried treasure just by digging a hole in the garden with a

pickaxe.

Unfortunately... Tom, there's a man digging a hole with a pickaxe.

Oi! Oi!

Digging hole, my front guard.

That's right.

I'm looking for the golden hare. This is where it's buried.

No, only thing buried there, eight faithfully departed hamsters wrapped in

film.

Entitled to every bit of peace they... Using my pickaxe.

Ah, fair point.

Give you 5%.

A skull full of loose sugar puffs.

Better send for police.

All right, 10%. But that's my last word. Tom,

this man, Kit Williams, buried a brooch and then he wrote a book giving people

clues where to find him. He was dug up ages ago in Herefordshire.

Bad news, bad news, old chap. Buried treasure found. Several years ago.

Herefordshire. All right.

20%, but that's my last word.

Not off my property. Three seconds likely to personally impale you with

near a telegraph post.

Understood.

Oh.

Oh, it will be all right, won't it, Tom? Should be. Made off like West Indian

boundary by.

No, I mean about our visitors.

Not really used to entertaining, especially Americans.

How many?

About, um...

Ambitious for first dinner party?

Well, there's only two coming here, Tom. Mr and Mrs Burrows. The rest are

getting shared around.

But Mr Wynchon will introduce us at the welcoming lunch.

Oh, I do hope they like it here.

No reason why they shouldn't.

Oh, Tom, it's just that I'm used to my parents.

Whenever Cousin Thomas came to stay, he used to put a chart on the wall of how

many hours it was before he could go home.

And then when they gave a dinner party for some friends for the Homer Club...

They used to tie their napkins together and climb out of the window to escape.

Ah, yes.

Embarrassing.

Well, we'd better get down to the community centre, Tom.

Don't forget we've got to go to the supermarket as well.

Right you are.

Just seem to have lost keys.

Excuse me, Miss, you haven't seen a pair of wheels, have you?

Wheels?

Oh, no, Tom, they've done it again.

I've just parked it. Oh, very, very unwise.

Annual soap cart rally next Thursday. Local kids do anything for a decent set

wheels. What kind of kids can jack up a three -ton lorry with a full load?

Known locally as Somborn Cuckoos.

loose bricks like a rock.

This way.

One last job, okay?

All those loose bricks over there, stacked from the floor.

Everyone. Okay?

Counts on it.

Yeah. Now I can rely on you.

Thanks.

Apologies. What happened?

Well, we got held up in the supermarket with the engine.

Tom was the millionth customer and he won a place in the grocery Grand Prix.

Given trolley and two minutes. Told Philip with whatever wanted.

Got some lager.

Well, I'll have a word with the kitchensman. I'm afraid there won't be

left. Would have been here sooner. Only checkout girl was sick into trolley.

After free champagne.

Well, I do hope Mr and Mrs Burrows aren't too upset by the delay.

Mr and Mrs Burrows aren't here, as a matter of fact. They borrowed my car to

out for some items of nasal hygiene.

If you'll excuse us, Penelope and I have to organise this wrap. All right. Do

get yourselves a dinner mint or something. Yes. Thank you.

Hi.

Bill Stasinski. No, no, Chance.

Tom. Tom.

Chief Engineer of Sagamore, Wisconsin.

Working mainly in effluent.

Interesting. I guess over here you'd call that... Yes.

Alison,

I'd like you to meet Stanislav Skrobachevsky.

Apparently, something big in sewage. Oh, that's nice.

It be again, ladies and gentlemen, time for what you've all been waiting for,

time for the raffle, which is very important, because it's going to pay for

those exciting trips.

We're planning for you in the coming week. So if you'll just look down at

ticket. I've got your ticket here, Tom. Ah, good.

Scene program of activities.

I can't say I have.

Good things in it.

Visit to ball bearing factory.

Lecture in doily arrangement.

Lawnmower through the ages exhibition.

I'm really looking forward to visiting the A1 farm this afternoon.

No, it's AI, actually. Artificial insemination.

in south of England.

The idea is to give you a broad overview of ordinary life in England.

And the first wonderful prize, ladies and gentlemen, is this hamper of exotic

food scouts, kindly donated by...

for the one you'd like as your slave for the rest of the day.

I got you those because I thought you might like to win me.

And the first lucky number is 270.

Win you?

Susan's telling me you're going to stand up there and be auctioned by Wingen.

Who's got 270?

270!

it by fingers. And I'm here to tell you, ladies and gentlemen, that I myself

would go nowhere else for my linen and haberdasher. It raised an awful lot of

money last year, Tom.

And this year we're wearing these little dresses, all tattered up the side and

torn across the chest with chains round our arms and ankles.

Mr. Wingent's going to be carrying a whip.

Good grief.

Whose idea a dress like that?

Well, it was mine, mostly.

And the winning number is 561.

Then what happens?

How do you mean?

Then what happens? Rest of day. Last year, for instance.

Oh, last year, Mr Henstridge won me.

What, anything special had to do?

No, no, he was so excited he spent the rest of the day in hospital having a new

battery fitted to his pacemaker.

The next lucky number is 347, 347.

Tom, you just won a positive state.

How about shaking

those tickets up a little bit, Charlie? Give the rest of us a chance.

And the next lucky number. The next lucky number is 351,

351.

is 563 -563.

It seems to be told

lucky day.

Don't count on it.

One moment, darling.

What's the next prize?

It's, um, some electric nutcrackers.

Amazing.

Start loading the cart.

Sorry to keep you waiting, Tom. Come through, will you? Ah, Walter. Tea will

up in a minute. Good.

Oh, it's been a hell of a day.

Yeah? Yeah, the cells are full of Americans.

Over here on a friendship exchange.

Yes. The only thing they've done so far is to have a punch -up in the community

centre. Could have had a spare of the time, Walter.

Sit yourself down, Alison.

Thank you.

So, what can we do for you? Well, before I forget, would you like the good news

now or later? Oh, if only we had some good news. The better, Sergeant Garth.

Right, there are we then. That's it. Ah, must be your lucky day. You won a prize

with your cloakroom ticket at the police ball.

Ah, splendid, yes.

Shock your friends.

What are you supposed to do with that?

Er, have to walk up to...

Offer outstretched hand saying, how do you do?

What happens?

Laugh as your victim doubles up on the ground in pain.

Apparently it gives friend electric shock.

I think there's been some sort of a mix -up, Tom. You were supposed to get the

leatherette driving licence older.

Ah. Yes, that explains why that kid at the orphanage party was crying his eyes

out. So, what can we do for you, anyway?

Well, three points, really, Walton. Just three? Yes, firstly...

Over there.

Tied himself to bumper.

Act of protest.

Used seven padlocks.

Swallowed the keys.

Yes. This mole apparently mistook Tom for the head of biology at the

comprehensive where they dissect frogs.

Yes. Tried to let him loose, but in the end seemed simpler to disconnect bumper.

Constable here.

Very, very helpful. Jeremy, isn't it? Used wire clippers.

No good, Dad.

Restrengthened steel.

We'll have to call a locksmith.

So, I gather you've swallowed some keys.

Yes, and I'm very sorry if I've called you any inconvenience.

I don't think we shall need a locksmith, will this?

Liquid paraffin.

Take him somewhere private and give him a mugful, will you?

Couldn't I just have a bowl of high -fibre cereal and let nature take its

course?

If you want my advice, lad, you'll take as much as you can and pray that it

works. You won't like my other idea for getting the keys back at all.

Your lad's a bit busy down there. They asked me to bring this up for you. This

is Mr Comfort. He's a lorry driver. Yes, yes, Matt, before this morning. Found

your wheels?

Oh, yeah, got the wheels, all right.

Unfortunately, when he got back to his lorry, someone had pinched his load. I

mean, ooh, nick, a lorry load of bricks.

It's been hell of a day. Hell of a day. Sergeant.

Now, you said there were three things, Tom.

Ah, yes, second point. Man in garden, digging hole.

Like to urge in strongest possible... Oh, don't worry, don't worry. As soon as

he's out of hospital, we shall be throwing the book at him.

Hospital? Why be in hospital?

You don't drive a pickaxe through an electricity cable and a water main in

blow without doing yourself a certain amount of mischief.

You did know that he... Oh, I thought that's why you were here. Oh, dear.

Oh, but...

Cut off, Walter.

It's only for one night, don't worry. They said they'd be round first thing.

Oh, it's just that we were expecting company tonight, Sergeant Goff. An

couple. Not that they turned up, anyway.

Third point, like to report missing couple.

Mr and Mrs Burrows.

Burrows? Wait a minute.

We've got some Burrows down in number 14.

Yes, found driving on the wrong side of the road with two cartons of stolen

groceries in the back.

Yes, we're not prosecuting.

The woman generally has no idea of how they got there.

Would you like me to bring them up? Oh, if you would, please, Sergeant.

Oh, God.

Oh, dear. Poor fellow. I say, Mr Comfort.

Yes? Got something might amuse you.

Oh, yeah?

Yes.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

It's gone.

How do I get it back?

I haven't got a clue.

Same thing happened to me this morning.

I did not steal those boxes. Why the hell would I? I didn't say you stole

honey. All I said was... Mr.

and Mrs.

Burroughs. Yeah?

What's it to you?

I'd like to welcome you to England.

I

believe

Alison explained things likely to be a bit spartan. There. haven't fixed the

water yet. No, no, but plenty to drink. Oh, watch out for dead hamster.

Oh, it's only for one night, Mrs.

Burrows. What if we look on it as an adventure? We might have a little bit of

fun.

7 ,500.

Can't help admiring them, really. Little fellows, only two of them, moved 7

,500 bricks.

Once the movement of scouts have always said so.

John Leader couldn't apologise enough.

Entire troop coming round tomorrow move all bricks back onto the lorry.

Now, um... Would you like a water biscuit with your chestnut puree?

Here we are.

Sorry we can't get into the kitchen.

Alison had wonderful meals planned, you know.

How's game soup coming on? Not only warm, but tepid, Tom.

another 20 minutes.

Yeah, when you think about it, we've been really lucky, really.

Really? Just how do you make that up?

Well, we didn't have any light and Tom won the candle and he won the food and

the stool.

Lager? Lager, yes.

Yeah, I can't help thinking we ought to be terribly grateful to someone for all

this. Just tell me who he is and I'll beat the crap...

Soap and water, honey.

Yeah.

Well, if you'll excuse me, I need the... Ah,

water the horses.

Lager probably have exactly the same problem. Goes through me like

power station.

Just up ladder.

Dirty bricks to the left.

Small...

Entering her for It's a Knockout.

Have a good night, little Sparrows.

Oh, thank you.

Have some electric nutcrackers around here somewhere.

Oh, no, I think Mr. Wynne still had them, Tom, when they took him off in the

ambulance.

I'll call you if necessary.

Mr. Burrows, your nuts are all over the place.

Is this something?

Oh, that's one of Tom's magic boxes.

Oh, Mr. Burrows, I hope you don't get the wrong impression about Tom.

abandoned attempt to shove her through hole.

Going to get little plastic bucket instead.

So, what do you do with this thing?

Well, what you do is you get something valuable from the audience and you put

in there and it disappears.

Hey, that sounds really neat. Hey, honey, did you wear that diamond and

ring tonight?

consequence this time, Tom.

Yes, what's that?

You can be sure of winning me at Thursday's slave auction.

Mmm.

Certainly can.

Made sure of that.

How do you mean?

Well, couldn't bear idea of you slaving away for some man.

So, had a word...

tickets.

Oh, Tom, you must have cost your fortune.

Yes, yes.

Tom, that is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.

Alison.

Yes, Tom.

Any chance of another pint?