All language subtitles for Chance In A Million s02e01 The Taxman Cometh.eng

Here I go again.

I hear the trumpet blow again.

Oh, what a blow again.

Taking a chance on love.

Me right side again.

About to take that right again.

Darby -eyed again.

Taking, taking a chance on love.

Strange post this morning.

Is it, Tom? Yes. Got a pair of fishnet
stockings with underwear catalogue.

Couple of men's items, centre pages,
might interest you.

Oh, yes.

Prefer something a bit looser, myself.

Like the blood to circulate, you know.

Say what you mean, Tom.

It's got this from a local tax office.
Want me to go round?

No idea what it's for.

You've tied those straps underneath.

No. And you pull them.

No, no.

Oh, the Incan tacks. I'm sorry.

And then this.

What's that, Tom? Exam results.

I didn't know you'd taken any exams.

Haven't. Obviously, a mistake happens to
me all the time. I got a certificate

from Heidelberg University once.

Told me I could speak English.

Vocabulary good, but pronunciation
needed some work.

Also, it got distinction in grade four
ballet.

What have you got this time?

O -level Portuguese.

Oh, got an F.

Failed. Oh, I am sorry, John.

Not really bothered.

I learned Portuguese once. Really? Mr.
Henstridge from the library wanted to

take me there on holiday.

He had some friends in Oporto who'd
helped him once when his biplane crashed

the 1923 London to Moscow air race.

Really? He said he knew of this little
shepherd's lodge in the Alto Duro where

you could sample the rough red local
wine and revitalize your bodily energies

the clean, fresh mountain air.

But then his pile started up again and
we never saw him again.

A letter from your parents?

I broke the news to them last week that
I was moving in here.

Is Mother not too worried? Well, Daddy
said she's taken it quite well

considering. Apart from crying softly
throughout the day, she gave no sign

our heart was broken.

That's what I expected, really.

Shall we have some coffee, Tom? Yes,
yes.

Wonder why I failed.

Oh, it's not your fault, Tom. She's just
a very neurotic woman.

No, no.

O -level Portuguese.

Annoying, somehow.

Oh, and believe me, Tom, it's not the
language one uses very often.

I mean, the likelihood of either of us
having to speak Portuguese... Oh, front

door, yeah.

Well, good ask for remark, I suppose.

Good appeal to Board of Examiners to
reconsider their verdict.

Ah, help you, Tom.

Um,

speak any English.

No,

I see, yes.

Yes, I say. Alison, a bit of a problem
here.

Yeah.

Tom, I pulled your cape.

Had a feeling they might be.

Any idea what they want?

I don't know.

I'll ask them.

Oaky, oaky, dizzy, ja?

Ah, somos o António e Manuela Gonçalves.

Viemos de Portugal para trabalhar no seu
hotel.

Tengo uma viagem muito grande e a minha
mulher está muito cansada.

They seem to think you're a hotel car.

Hotel? No, no, afraid not.

If you like a hotel, suggest Majestic.
Third turning on the right, then next on

the left, past the traffic light. Very
reasonable prices.

Suggest to avoid the fish.

OK. The fish.

Not usually very well done, though. Tom,
they're not looking for somewhere to

stay. According to this, they've come
from Portugal to work as hotel staff.

Ah, wrong address.

Well, no, Tom, according to this,
they've come to the right address.

Bellevue House, 41 Venables Avenue.

Ah. Well, better come in, then. It could
take some while to sort out. Right.

Bienvenue, comrade.

That's the ball.

Just grab it.

Oh, Tom,

according to Antonio, they've come
straight from the boat, pausing only to

buy something for their sandwiches, and
they've... Come to the wrong town.

And they don't seem to know what the
right town is.

And he wishes he stayed in his little
mountain village tending his second

He's trying to agree.

He's not happy, Tom.

He's not happy at all, Tom. What are we
going to do?

Obviously can't throw them out on
streets. Better tell them, stay here

things sort it out. Oh, right.

I'm sure they'll be reassured.

You've not had a lot of dealings with
us, Mr. Chance.

According to your returns here, your
total contribution in tax since 1969 is

something less than 23 pounds.

Never begrudged a penny of it.

I hope you'll forgive me, Mr. Chance,
but I'm still somewhat puzzled as to

main source of income.

How actually you managed to survive from
day to day. Not easy. Not easy at all.

Still, man of frugal taste.

Few vices. One or two small investments.

Aha.

And what exactly are they?

Well, main source of income presently
comes from premium bonds.

How many of them do you have?

Ten. Ten?

You're telling me that ten premium bonds
win enough each year for you to live

on? Not exactly, no. Four of them never
won anything at all.

Thinking of getting rid of them,
actually. Sort of sentimental

Shall I show you a list of winning
numbers?

This is incredible.

Certainly been lucky.

Coincidence. My speciality. Well, this
is very good news, Mr. Chance. Very good

news indeed.

I'm happy to say that as you seem to be
able to support yourself, albeit in a

somewhat bizarre manner, I'm prepared to
allow you to marry my daughter.

Pardon? I've pencilled in the 15th. In
the circumstances, speed is of the

essence. It's a Saturday.

Yes, please, madame. You didn't tell me
it was you, of course. I discovered the

little card giving her her next
appointment at the maternity clinic.

you. And then her journal gave me the
first clue.

Oh, full of references to time spent
with tea.

Tea is a firecracker between the sheets.

Tea had a bad back this morning, but it
was worth it.

Then a lucky break. I found this
postcard in a library book she'd been

It was from a TC.

I now had two initials and a handwriting
sample.

Let this card to Alison. Finally.

A photograph in the local newspaper of
guests at a dinner dance.

My daughter seated next to a Mr Tom
Chance. I checked my records.

Your handwriting matched.

Barbara. That's her.

No, but not with me. With him.

It's no good, Mr Chance.

She's not a nice girl, I'll grant you
that, but you should have thought of

before you started.

As it is, you have a simple choice.
Marriage on June the 15th or face the

wrath of the inland revenue.

Try that for arrears accumulated since
1969.

125 ,671 pounds and 4p.

That's without interest, of course.

Can't make me pay that.

Oh, yes, we can, Mr. Chance.

Yes, we can.

Ah, good.

Thank you.

Have you had a good day?

Disastrous, really. Hardly believe it.

Well, come and sit down and have a
drink.

Sick to lager, probably.

Right.

Si, signora. O me se veja, faz favor,
Antonio.

Si, signora.

Found out anything about them?

It's really a romantic story, Tom.

Apparently, Manuela's got this very
wicked Uncle Matteo. And he's terribly

And he's got, like, these tourist hotels
and things.

And he thinks Antonio's too poor.

And he won't let him marry his niece
unless he takes over the drugs business.

What, become gangsta, you mean?

No, not those sort of drugs, Tom. More
pills for diarrhoea and that.

Apparently there's a big demand for them
in Portugal.

It's the food.

Anyway, Antonio refused.

He said he wasn't going to spend the
rest of his life in the shadow of a

of enteroviaform.

Ah, muito obrigado, Antonio.

Thank you.

Antonio.

Si, senora.

Si,

senora.

I thought you might like some lunch, Tom
Manuel, a thing to that.

Now then, how did you get on with the
taxman?

Wants me to marry his daughter.

Fix the date for the 15th of June. What?

Claims I made her...

Pregnant.

Not at all. Can't persuade him, though,
threatening to sue me.

I'd like to bet you'll have the soup of
the day, won't

you, Tom?

I think I'll have the melon.

What about main course?

Hard to tell, really. All written in
Portuguese.

The second one's carried gold. She says
the chicken's very fresh.

Ah.

Good, yes. Suit me fine. Yes, me too.

Now,

Tom,

have you got any idea who this woman is?

Barbara Lewisham works at your library.

Barbara?

That's ridiculous.

Now, you're not to be upset over a woman
like her, Tom. That's outrageous.

I'm going to ring her up and ask her
what she thinks she's playing at. Do you

think we've got time before lunch?

I think

lunch

could be some time.

So she'll be straight round?

Yeah, as soon as the library closes.
She'll have Mr Wingent with her, though.

She's given him a lift home.

Pity. One or two strong words, I want to
say to that young woman. Yeah.

It's not just the tax, you know.

If word of this pregnancy gets out of
the cricket club, it could be finished.

But they're all rather broad -minded
about that sort of thing, aren't they?

to be, Alison. Used to be. Remember that
social event organised last month?

Um, the marching bands competition?

Yes. Yes, yes. Driver went to wrong
stadium.

Ended up at evangelical mission.

Team captain, born again, on the spot.

Never been the same since.

Word of me and illegitimate child gets
out, likely to organise ritual stoning

the net.

Now, look, would you like me to talk to
her, Tom? Man to man, sir.

Well, if I have known her for a number
of years... All right, Alison, perfectly

happy. Leave Barbara to you. Right.

I think you both know Tom.

Barbara, would you like to leave your
coat upstairs?

I haven't got a coat.

Here, have mine.

Tom went to the tax office today and he
saw your father.

And your father said he had to marry you
because you're pregnant.

Oh, my God. Now, Barbara, Tom has the
greatest respect and sympathy for you as

woman. But marriage is absolutely out of
the question.

You know, I vowed that when I got
married, it would be to someone the

opposite of my father.

Someone weak -willed, indecisive.

Well, I suppose that's why I chose
Terence.

Mr. Wingent?

Mr. Wingent, the father?

Nobody's the father.

You sure?

Hasn't happened any other way for a very
long time.

Nobody's the father, Alison, because
there isn't any baby.

Well, what about...

Well, I got a friend there to send it.
Why?

Well, if you must know, I thought I'd
leave it lying around one day in the

library where Terence could find it.

Well, do you know how long we've been
going out together?

Oh, it's all on again, is it?

Yes. Well, I mean, I know he's had the
odd fling with other women.

Like Pussy Fritz at Pritchard. Yes,
exactly.

And then there was Brenda Russell and
Louise.

Yes, I know. Martine. Yes, I know.

Yes. Alison.

But none of them really counted.

I mean, what are you supposed to do when
two people obviously love each other

very deeply, and one of them is too pig
-ignorant to do the decent thing and

marry her?

Wish I knew.

I mean, I only wanted to nudge him a
little. I didn't want him terrorised

it. Oh, I don't know, though.

Ah, Antonio.

Yes.

Just leave him there would be fine, yes?

Thank you very much.

Have one of these.

Thank you. What are they? Haven't a
clue.

Antonio. Yes, sir?

Muchos gracias.

What are these?

Are they really?

Well, well. Thank you.

What are they, then?

Not entirely sure.

Now...

Must would be bull, but... Bollus, um...

Better look it up.

They're absolutely delicious, whatever
they are.

Bollus, um... Ah, yes.

Think I'll just have a crisp.

Bob, works for you? Yes.

She's the deputy librarian.

for a couple of weeks.

Pregnant.

How do you... How do you know?

Father told me.

Barbara names no names, but Father
accuses me.

Why you?

Oh, usual coincidences, you know.

Photograph, postcard, references to tea
in Barbara's journal.

Things like, tea is a firecracker.

between the sheets.

Did she write that?

Yes.

Little lady likely to be rather
emotional next few months.

Ever met her father?

Yes, but you said he didn't know who.

Bound to find out, though.

Single -minded old sod.

I feel really rather sorry for whoever
it is when he catches him.

Touch of madness there, you know.

Where is it, Tom?

More Portuguese, just arrived.

No more rooms.

All full up.

He says if we don't all go in there,
he'll shoot us, Tom.

Well, it's probably just bluffing.

Could be wrong.

Is something wrong?

No idea what it is.

He says he's looking for the scallywag
who

deflowers young girls and refuses to
behave honourable to them.

My God, Daddy's hired a hitman.

And he says when he finds the rascal,
he's going to make some window patty out

of his bollocks.

I'm afraid I'd have to look that one up,
Charles.

Wouldn't bother, Alan.

Meaning pretty clear.

No, it's all right. I don't want any
violence. I should be pleased to marry

honoured. I always meant to. I just
never got quite round to it. I've been

rather busy lately.

Now, you're not just saying that, are
you, Terence? Because this man could

your brains out if he didn't.

And I don't want you to feel
pressurised.

No, I'm not, my darling.

No, I'm not, my darling. I love you.

Well, it looks like we're engaged in
front of witnesses.

Thank you.

Congratulations. Yes, indeed. I'll take
them into the kitchen, Tom, to Manuela

and Antonio.

Yes.

Wonderful news!

Certainly calls for celebration.

May all your troubles be little ones.

Yes, yes.

Hold on to this for a minute, would you,
Padre?

Now, who are Antonio and Manduela?

A young couple he's looking for. Going
to be very surprised when he sees them

already married to each other.

That little baby on the way.

Going to come to... here any moment now,
furiously apologising.

Tom,

this is Manuela's wicked Uncle Matthew.

Wicked Uncle Matthew. Heard a lot about
you. I see it.

Alison,

I might tell him.

Rather he didn't do this.

Just a way of apologizing.

Probably the ballast they tore us.

Made me queasy just looking at them.

Yes, but safer outside with that,
perhaps, yes.

No,

no, no, Uncle Matthew, no point talking
to him like that. Doesn't understand a

word you're saying.

He was warning him about the gun.

Hope you don't mind a sucker drink.

No, no.

Remarkable English.

Yeah, from Liverpool, actually.

From his private chaplain.

I used to be in charge of home from
married mothers, but had a few problems

my faith.

Ah.

I'm sorry, saying something about gun.

Oh, yeah. It has a hair trigger.

You've got to be really careful not to
bang it on the ground when you put it

down, otherwise you get... You

all right?

I think I've just shot my fiancée in the
buttocks.

Quite an achievement.

Shoot one's fiancée.

On engagement day.

Oh, she was certainly very angry, Tom.

Yeah. Do you know, I don't know how she
got off off the stretcher, never mind

stick his head up the fireplace.

Uncle Matteo, very impressed indeed.

Oh, Tom, look.

Oh, do you think it's all right for me
to accept it? Oh, yes. It's just like

the other things. Just Uncle Matteo's
way of saying thank you. Oh, but Tom,

been so generous. Look at all the things
he's bought us.

Put it here, please.

Oh, I'm not disturbing you, Mr. Chance.
Not at all, not at all.

Long night, late breakfast.

Miss Alison Little, I'd like you to meet
Mr. Lewisham. Good morning.

Tax officer.

Glass of champagne?

No, nothing, thank you.

Mr. Chance. Sit down, go on. I had a
telephone call from my daughter this

morning. I don't know where she is, but
she made it quite clear that everything

I said yesterday was completely wrong.

Oh, Uncle Matthew, you shouldn't have.

Uncle Matthew's planted a surprise for
me in the greenhouse.

Watermelons.

Do you know?

Shot in the dark.

I was also going to apologise for having
suggested that you'd been evading tax.

That's forgotten.

I was going to apologise.

But now that I've seen how you live...
Sorry, I don't quite follow you.

Mr. Chance, yesterday you told me that
you had a modest income and a frugal

lifestyle. You are drinking Verb Clico
for breakfast.

The delivery vans outside are from
Harrods and from Fortland and Masons.

Your girlfriend...

has a bracelet from Cartier's. You have
a gardener and two house servants.

And when I arrived this morning, I saw
Noel and Nanny coming out of the

Nine o 'clock tomorrow morning, Mr.
Chance.

I am looking forward to your side of the
story.

Tom, would you like a little bit of good
news, just to help cheer you up a bit?

Certainly do.

this morning.

Your O -level result was a mistake.

Well, I'm not taking it back.

Oh, no.

You didn't get an F. You passed.

You got an A.

Ah.

Something to really celebrate.

Yeah.

Uncle Matthew.

Thank you.

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