Original subtitles

Here I go again.

I hear the trumpet blow again.

All the love blow again.

Taking a chance on love.

Things are mending now.

I see a rainbow blending now.

You have a happy ending now.

Taking a chance on love.

And in your own time.

Number 41, Clivewood Avenue. The home of Mrs. Norma Rushmore, close personal

friend of underworld boss Ronald Weems. On the same evening police announced

they wanted to interview Weems in connection with Thursday's wage snatch

Dagenham, Mrs. Rushmore decided to take a holiday.

And the house behind me stands empty.

Or does it?

She told her neighbours she was going away temporarily because of a test

infestation, and now the neighbours report. Would somebody please tell

it is to hump up until I've finished?

OK. Morning.

Morning.

We're investigating the story that this house is infected with fleas.

Fleas?

Yes. I don't know what you're talking about.

You deny Mrs Rushmore's story, do you? Mrs who?

You're not Ronald Weems, are you, by any chance?

Ah, ah.

With you now. Yes, that, Mrs. Rushmore. No, um, um, wrong house. You want

Clivewood Avenue, number 41, I think.

This is Clivewood Avenue. It says so.

Number 41 on the door.

Bloody kid. That explains it, see.

Does it? Yeah, done it again. Changed street signs around.

You mean someone's changed the name? Oh, yes, great popular sport round here.

See, maids of houses, all rather the same. Kids swap street signs, sit back,

watch visitors make fools of themselves.

Great fun.

Impressive, in a way. Sort of intellectual vandalism.

Do you know where the real Clywood Avenue is? Oh, yes, certainly.

Just down there.

First on the left, second on the right, then last house on the left. Can't miss

it.

Thank you.

Henry Head, Thames News.

That's right. Yes, sir.

Hump off yourself.

Done it again.

Done what, Tom?

Kids, swap the street signs. Now it says Clivewood Avenue.

Oh, not again.

Yes, must phone someone, reported.

Yes, will you finish your breakfast first, Tom? Yes, Alison.

Must take.

Enjoyed having you here the past few weeks. Oh, it's been very nice for me

Tom. It was good of you to let me. Any luck your search for a new flat?

No, no, Nadia, but there's no particular rush, is there? No, no, no, no, no rush

at all.

Yes, just thought you might be happier, new flat.

You know what I mean? Yes, might stop these nightmares.

Oh, they're not that bad, Tom.

Well, bad enough, Alison.

Four days in a row now.

Had to come to my bed to calm down.

Yes. Thought you might just be more settled, flat of your own. Oh, well,

keep looking, Tom.

Yes.

Tom,

you haven't forgotten about lunchtime, have you? No, your friend, her husband.

No, no, looking forward to it. Oh, no, Roger, isn't her husband Tom?

They just live together.

Ah, modern couple.

Well, Susan's always saying two can live cheaper than one, and I must say.

The arrangement seems to work out very well.

Good, good, good, good. Ah, found it. What's that, Tom? Flats vacant column.

Don't you think it's a tricky time of the year at the moment to find flats?

Mustn't lose hope, Alison.

Persist. Something bound to turn up.

Yes. You need to go hunting for it.

Can't expect anything to fall out of the sky.

Can't expect things just to plop at your feet.

Yes, um... Help you at all?

I think this chute's got caught up in your chimney.

Funny you should mention flats.

Oh, yes, why?

My wife's sister's got a cousin with ours full of flats.

She's one of those coming vacant this week. Sounds marvellous, Alison.

I'll jot your address down for you, if you like.

Thanks very much.

Corporal, um, Mr Parachuting.

Army exercise, is it?

Not an exercise.

It's more of an initiative test.

They give us a list of items, and we have to get back to base before sunset

as many as we can find. Oh, I'd like a treasure hunt.

That's right.

The training instructors usually win.

Or the sergeants.

We don't usually do very well. We're the regimental band, you see.

Ah. What sort of things do you have to collect, exactly?

I've got a list, actually. Here. Of course, nobody ever gets them all, of

course.

Famous cricketer who ever lived, that's all.

Tom's got a bat signed by him, don't you, Tom? Yeah, I certainly have.

But bits of it missing got chewed by dog.

Just says, Alec Bede.

No, Father, it doesn't matter.

I can borrow it and look after it for you. Oh, certainly.

Fancy your name.

Alec Bede, sir.

The Zulu war shield. Tom, didn't you say your great -aunt gave you one of those?

Great -grandmother.

Yes, it used to hang in hall. No idea where it is now. Oh, I don't believe it.

It's probably in the attic somewhere. Back in a moment. Do you know, I think

he's got a stuffed rhino head up there as well.

Tom!

Three, five, six, seven.

Now, we've done the street map of Lima.

Police handcart.

Number 18, a ship's bell. Yes, got one of those. Boat, outside.

Oh, no, Tom, it can't just be any old bell. It has to come from one of Her

Majesty's warships.

Frigate. Yeah, it is a bit annoying, isn't it?

No, no, no, no. We've got another bell outside. It comes from Frigate, HMS

Eagle, 1707.

It's drowned off the Scilly Isles, the Cloud Scilly Shovel. Interesting story.

I'll tell you one day.

This boat that is, sir... Is he keen on that sort of thing, is he? No, not

really. He says he has enough trouble on dry land. He's trying to sell it,

actually. What did he buy it for, then? Oh, he didn't buy it. He won it in a

lager drinking competition in 1967.

He's still trying to sell it?

Oh, well, no. You see, it was stolen the day after he got it. The police only

brought it back yesterday.

Found it in Newport Pagnell. Some man had been breeding pigeons in it.

Oh.

I'd quite like him to keep it, actually. Do you know, I've always had a thing

about boats ever since I saw that film, High Society.

Oh, yeah?

Bing and Grace are on their honeymoon on their boat, the true love, and they're

just lying there underneath the moon and the stars and water's lapping up the

side of the hull and they're all happy and contented when suddenly Bing reaches

down and he pulls out his accordion.

Then they sing that song, True Love.

Oh, it always used to send shivers up and down inside my vest, and I used to

think, one day, maybe I'd be able to... Oh, we all have our little dreams.

That's so silly, isn't it? Could you pass the coffee, Corporal?

Here I am!

Yes, this is splendid. What's next? I like this game. I don't think even you

get a laugh to, Mr. Charles.

Number 19 is a pair of knickers with the words, Hello, big boy, written across

the front.

No, no, not quite my life. I didn't think it would be, no.

Number 20 is a picture of Shirley Williams in the nude.

Ah, difficult.

Yeah. I know one of the lads is prepared to give it a go with chloroform on a

Polaroid, but...

and there's a picture in it of Shirley, six months old, on a bearskin rug in the

nude. Good God.

Remarkable woman, Alison, yes.

Librarian. I've got it upstairs.

I'll run up and get it for you. I'm reading it at the moment.

I'll fetch the knickers down at the same time, you know.

The lad don't ever believe all this, you know.

Glad to be of assistance, Corporal.

And you will check up on that flat, won't you? I'd like to think I've been

some assistance for all this.

Certainly, yes, yes.

Very grateful.

Oh, Corporal, you will let us know how you get on in the competition, won't

Oh, yeah, of course. I've got to bring all this lot back anyway. Well, thanks.

Bye. Bye. Bye.

Nice fellow, the Corporal. Yes, isn't he?

Oh, my word, it must be nearly one o 'clock. We'll be late for lunch.

Oh, hello.

Darling, it's Alison and Tom.

Come in, come in. Thank you.

It won't be a moment. She's just finishing off in the kitchen. Oh, good.

Roger, this is my... Oh, Tom. So you're Tom. Yes. Glad to see you. Yes, great

pleasure. Heard a lot about you from Alison.

Ah, yes. Well, do take a seat. Thank you.

White wine all right for everyone, is it? Absolutely.

Roger!

Won't be a minute.

Roger and Susan have been living together for about five years now.

She's always going on about the advantages of living together.

You know, sharing, cooking, heating bills, that sort of thing. Could be

huh?

I mean, I must say, they seem to be a walking advertisement for living

They're suited to each other.

Nice to hear. Rare, this day and age.

Sorry about the glasses.

We're having a bit of trouble with the dishwasher.

I keep breaking things.

Well, I must say, you're looking very tanned and healthy, Roger.

Oh, yes, that was Venice last month. Oh, how lovely. Bet Susan enjoyed it.

No, she didn't.

She wasn't allowed to go.

Apparently the business trip. Hello, Susan.

Hello, Tom. Hello, Tom. Don't get up, please.

Ah, right, yes.

Are you planning to go abroad at all this year, Tom? No, no, no, no. Never go

abroad. Too frightened, really.

It's taken a rest bad enough here abroad.

Saw a film about a Turkish prison.

once. Midnight Express.

Absolutely...

Terrifying.

You mean you've never been abroad?

No, never. No, actually, tell a lie. Went to Cuba once.

Not entirely intentional, though. Set out for Potter's Bar.

You never told me you'd been to Cuba.

Oh, they don't like telling you where they've been all the time, Alison.

A man likes to feel free to go where he wants without question, doesn't he,

Roger? Yes, I thought we'd promised we weren't going to talk about that now,

darling. Oh, sorry.

Roger's very hot on promises.

How are things at the library these days, Alison? Oh, very busy.

You know, working late, you know. Oh, Roger has to work late a lot these days.

Well, he's not going to his evening classes or his concerts, that is.

Concerts? What, classical music?

Yes, yes, well...

Susan's not bothered, but I usually try and make a concert once a week.

Yes, I was at the festival hall on Tuesday, actually.

Oh, no.

Good heavens.

Remarkable. Marvellous concert.

Brahms and Liszt. So were we.

What a pity we didn't see you.

Ah, well, I tend to lie fairly low on these occasions.

Come, come, Roger. You lie very well indeed.

More potatoes.

Oh, yes, thanks.

What about you, Alison? You didn't have very much the first time. No, no, more

for me. Thank you, Roger.

That's absolutely delicious.

You enjoyed this competition, Tom? Most of it, certainly. Yes, yes.

Second half rather sad, of course.

Ah, the pastor out. Yes, a very moving piece, I always think. Oh, no, I think

Tom's referring to the fact the conductor died so soon after the

Roger.

You didn't mention any of this.

Roger? No, no, I thought it might upset you.

Right, right, morbid subject. So you both got home rather earlier than you

expected. Yes.

Roger got home rather later than usual.

Yes, well, I have explained about that, darling. The porter told me there were

no more trains. Oh, yes.

Roger missed the 10 .17.

Had to catch the milk train at five o 'clock in the morning.

Unbelievable.

How do you mean?

Well, I mean railway officials not knowing their own timetable like that.

There are other trains, are there? Oh, God, yes, several. Oh, there's Tom's

bird on the local railway timetable.

I had a feeling he might be. Yes, he once spent several days down a pothole

a West Byfleet stationmaster, didn't you, Tom?

Yes, marvellous chap, really, absolutely remarkable.

Stuck there in flash flood for three days. Cheered himself up by teaching me

southern region railway timetable. Ah, I often thought I might take up

potholing, but, um... So there are... There are several trains after 10 .17,

there? Oh, God, yes. 10 .30, 11 o 'clock past train. 10 .44, 11 .03, stopping

train. No buffet on the 11 .03, of course. 11 .17, change at Weybridge.

Last train, 11 .47.

Fellow should have told you.

Stuck down there like that makes the blood boil.

It does, doesn't it? If you'll excuse me.

Tell Roger about your pothole income.

I'm sure he'd be interested.

Oh, yes, yes, please do.

Well, I'm not to tell, really. It's a sort of burrowing underground, like

Mole. You quite saw the point of it, didn't you?

No, well, it's an idea that appeals to me quite a lot at the moment.

Can we help, Paul?

Oh, no, no, please, please. You've both done quite enough, as it is.

Not at all.

Something wrong, isn't there?

Really? You hadn't noticed?

No,

Roger seems a bit edgy.

No, nice fellow, though. Music lover.

Oh, I shouldn't have brought you. I just... George, if you saw how things...

never mind.

How do you feel about pudding, everyone?

It's baked Alaska.

Baked Alaska all right for everyone, is it?

Absolutely, Mum. It's one of my favourites. Jolly good.

Yes, darling, baked Alaska would be wonderful.

Shall I take it in for you?

Could we possibly leave the pudding for another time? I don't think Susan's

feeling very well.

Absolutely,

I understand.

No problem at all. We have, in fact, his flat.

Well,

I hope Susan's feeling better, too.

Well, it's just some bug she's picked up.

Any help with the washing up?

I think that's being taken care of.

Very good, yes. But I think a bit too fast in the library room. I think

probably... Well,

that's the flat.

Oh, um... Well, they're nicely proportioned rooms, aren't they, Tom?

Oh, that's all right, dear. Any friends of Corporal Browning's are welcome here.

Of course, it's not everyone's taste in decoration.

But I always tell my tenants, it's your flat, you do it up how you like.

Yes.

I'll get him to put the wiring back to normal before he goes. He was a very

interesting tenant.

There are a couple of queries.

Oh, across the hall?

Yes.

But they're awfully nice laughs.

No, no, no, no.

Man who lived here before.

Oh, no, no, he didn't live here.

He just came here with his girlfriend every week for the odd evening.

I think he has to leave. He has to go at the end of the month because his wife

is suspicious of something, but I really don't... Oh.

If you'll excuse me, I'll have to answer that.

Not quite the sort of place I had in mind for you, Alison. But it's very

for its size, Tom.

Alison.

Yes, Tom?

Probably not the right moment to say this to you, but spare room.

My house.

Yours as long as you want it. No need to rush off, anyway.

Oh.

Blind at all, Alison.

Longer you stay there, happier I shall be.

Should have mentioned it before.

Just one worry.

Didn't want to lose you.

Lose me, Tom? What do you mean?

Not got a lot of friends, Alison.

Hard hanging on to them.

My disability.

Easiest way to lose them, share a house with one.

Shared a house with a girlfriend once.

Oh, what happened to her?

Usual problem.

Went off for picnic.

Found lovely spots.

She went behind bushes to obey call of nature.

Shot in the buttocks by Royal Marine Commander.

Hunting escaped leopard.

Understandable mistake.

She was wearing fur coat at the time.

Did she badly hurt?

No, no, no.

Tranquilliser dart.

Unconscious for 36 hours.

Never spoke to me again.

Well, it would take more than a silly little thing like that to make me not

to speak to you again, Tom.

Agreed then, Alison.

Oh, thank you, Tom. You know, two can live cheaper than one, and I know... Oh,

I'm very sorry about this, but the apartment isn't vacant after all.

No? No.

Now that my fiancé no longer has to commute so often to New York, we've

to make this our permanent home.

Ah.

Can you manage those, darling?

Ah!

Ah!

What is it, dear heart? Aren't you feeling well?

Probably the same thing Susan had.

Susan? Who's Susan?

Oh, Susan's Roger.

Roger's... Girlfriend?

Of mine, Susan.

But we both know Roger.

Why are these people calling you Roger, Philip?

Oh, I'd like a word with you, Philip. In the kitchen.

Not always true, Alison.

What isn't, Tom?

Two can live cheaper than one.

Crockery bills, for instance.

I must say, I'm glad I'm not moving out anywhere tonight.

Yes. It's been a long day, one way or another.

Oi! What's going on there?

Oh, it's all right, sir. We're just finished.

Finished? Yes, Brian's just locking up.

All right, Brian?

Shouldn't have any more trouble there now, sir.

What sort of trouble are we having?

Well, your infestation. The fleas.

They're all dead now. Soon, will we? Oh, my God.

You'll be Mrs Rushmore, I take it?

No, I'm not.

Oh.

Is there something wrong?

Everything wrong.

Wrong woman, wrong house, wrong road.

But it can't be. The street sign out there says... No, I'm afraid the local

children have been swapping the street signs around.

Really, I'm very sorry about all this. Oh, well, it's not all bad, is it? I

mean, we've had the house cleared of pests.

Presumably free of charge. Oh, absolutely free of charge. Yes, we

of... And you wouldn't have caused any damage inside?

No, no damage, exactly.

What exactly?

Well, standard procedure, sir. We have to seal up all the windows and doors and

then we use a mixture of potassium permanganate and cyanide. It's very

effective. But we do suggest, recommend that the occupants don't move back into

the house for at least 48 hours.

That's two days.

Is that what it is?

Oh, yes.

But where are you going to sleep tonight?

Don't worry about it, Tom.

I'm sure we'll think of something.

Do I mean you?

Do you know, this is probably as near to my little dream as I'm ever likely to

get. Little dream?

We're on a boat, and it's just you and me.

The moon and the stars are shining down outside.

I know we're not on the sea, Tom, but if you were to get out, you're a accordion

now.

Accordion?

What's that noise?

Noise?

All right, lads.

It's quite all right, isn't it? Public highway.

People are entitled to walk up and down.

I suppose so, but...

man of death brought back.

I see a rainbow blending now.

We've all had the ending now.

Again.

Again and again.

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