Original subtitles

Here I go again.

I hear the trumpet blow again.

Oh, what a blow again.

Taking a chance on love.

Here I slide again.

About to take that ride again.

Darby, I'd again.

Taking, taking a chance on love.

Hodgekiss? Yes?

Mr. Hodgekiss, just checking food. Little worried by two things.

Oh, yes.

Firstly, blue bottle in cheese dip.

What's he doing here, then?

Breaststroke.

Not doing anything at all, Mr. Hodgekiss. Lying on its back, legs in

Dead, in fact.

Secondly, large black slug in green tallow.

That's right. They're everywhere.

Should get a few screams.

Yes, very probably.

Going to remove them?

Course I'm not.

I put them there.

Gives the guests something to talk about. Helps break the ice.

They're only plastic, you know.

Ah, really?

Yeah, well, it's a very competitive game, the catering business.

You've got to have some sort of gimmick to get yourself talked about.

Usually I sprinkle a few sheep and rabbit droppings in amongst the dishes

well. I thought you might think that was Virgin on the tasteless.

I don't like to seem ungrateful, Sir Hodgkiss, but perhaps could do without

novelties on this occasion.

I see.

Oh, well, it's your party, of course. No, no, no. Exactly the point. Not my

party at all.

Surprise birthday party for girlfriend.

Invited. All her friends don't like to upset them. I see. It ought to explain.

Better sit down.

Ah, delivery woman with birthday cake.

Yes? Help you?

It's happy birthday greetings. I've been to you this way.

I've been to you this way. I've been to you this way. I've been to you this way.

I've been to you this way. I've been to you this way.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Alison.

You're not Alison, are you?

No.

Don't tell me I've got the wrong address again.

Uh, no.

Um, singing...

Telegram? That's right.

Thank God for that.

Now, do you want me to come inside, or are you going to bring the lady out? No,

um, ordered for nine o 'clock at seven hours early.

Well, not to worry, eh?

No, um, perhaps not.

Also, um, ordered quite clearly by phone, telegram to be delivered by Roman

Centurion. Ah, well, I'm having problems with that one, you see. My

breastplate's a bit tight and my greaves keep falling down.

But I think you'll find the lady will like this one.

Yes, very possibly. Find out at nine o 'clock. Yes?

Good. Hang on. Do you want me to do it, then?

Ah, sorry. Obviously not explained very clearly.

Having surprise birthday party. Lots of things happening.

Tight schedule.

You organized for nine o 'clock.

All right. Oh, right. So I'll hang around that side of it, then, shall I?

Good. Thank you.

Well, my name's Barry Alcott, by the way.

Oh, dear.

In case you ever want to use me again, it's a good idea to ask them at the

agency by name.

We're on a commission, you see. Barry Alcock, it is. Right. Not likely to

that one.

Good right.

Yes.

Wanted to explain something to you. Since childhood, suffered from delicate

problem, like the test. I'll tell you about it. Yes. Been persistently plagued

by coincidence.

any attempt to organise events such as this doomed failure in consequence.

So, hoping to avoid tragedy by handing entire organisation over to you.

Ah, at last, delivery woman with birthday cake.

Just a moment.

It's happy birthday with you, it's happy birthday with you, it's happy birthday

with you, it's happy birthday with you, it's happy birthday with you. All gone.

All gone. All gone.

Nine o 'clock. Yes.

Isn't it? Oh, my watch must have stopped.

I put it right before I... Here. Alarm clock.

Set for nine o 'clock. Oh, thank you.

By the way, would you like to settle your bill now? Save embarrassment later

It's hardly likely going to hand money over to ignorant little Tutter who turns

up seven hours early but instantly delivers message to the wrong person.

Oh, right.

Nine o 'clock then. Nine o 'clock.

Typical example. Must be hundreds of singing telegrams. Have to get one with

soil between the ears.

Now, schedule.

Party starts half past seven.

Not here personally, picking up Alison. You, two main jobs. One, birthday cake

ready, candles lit. Birthday cake ready, candles lit. Secondly, receive guests

at door.

Got guest list?

Oh, yeah. Get that somewhere.

Um, Hodgkiss?

What exactly is that?

Oh,

that? Yeah, well, that's just in case there's any trouble.

You don't get far in a catering game unless you know how to deal with the

unwanted guest.

Yeah, but you needn't worry. What kind of party exactly are you expecting?

Oh, damned idiot!

Whinging little tonk!

I do two hours overtime to get it finished, spend 40 minutes on a crowded

walk half a mile in a pair of new shoes that have come close to crippling me,

and miss crossroads into the bargain. Well, if that's your attitude, you can

take your bloody cake and you can stuff it.

Excuse me.

Cancel a bit about birthday cake.

She's not here yet, then? No, Mr. Wingent. Quite sure?

I'm quite sure, Mr. Wingent. I'll be in my office.

Yes, Mr. Wingent.

Had they turned up yet?

Who? Your man, Tom.

He is not my man, as you put it, Sandra. Well, I just thought you said he was

calling in to talk about taking you out tonight.

Yes, well, it wasn't anything definite. He just mentioned that if he would be,

he would... Hello?

Oh, hello, Mummy.

Yes, it's a lovely card. Thank you.

Well, no, Mummy, I haven't tried it on yet. I'm at the library.

Hello, Tom. Hello, son.

Everything ready for this evening? Yes. Not a thing.

This evening?

Oh, but, Mummy, I was hoping to go out with Tom this evening.

Oh, you remember Tom?

Tom... Oh, Mummy, don't cry, please.

Oh, yes, I will.

Yes, I promise, Mummy.

Bye -bye.

my check about this evening. Still free? Oh, yes. I've cancelled my evening

class. Ah, the judo class.

Still getting on well? Oh, well, it's kung fu, actually. And yes, I am quite

enjoying it.

I'm working at the moment to improve my mental attitude.

Hate the Hun stuff.

Well, we try to avoid any ideological overtones, but it's that sort of thing.

Oh, yes.

You see, Mr. Patterson says I don't have a great deal of natural aggression,

so... I have to spend a lot of the lesson trying to concentrate the full

of my pent -up fury.

Glad to hear it.

Essential these days for a woman to be able to protect herself against attacks

by men. Oh, yes, I suppose it is.

Not that I've ever been attacked by a man, but one has to hope, doesn't one?

Pardon?

That one could cope if the situation arose, I mean.

Ah, yes, of course.

decided yet.

Not... Not birthday.

I'm afraid so.

Alison should have told me. You could have planned something. Oh, not to

That's my parents.

And so, yes, Daddy crocheted it for me.

Yes,

it's a little bed jacket.

It's to match the hot water bottle cover he made me for...

Well several possibilities

parcel here. Allison's.

but, um, bus station closes in 20 minutes.

Tom, why don't we stay here?

It'll give me a chance to thank you properly for my...

on the note tom you said you wanted to cover every inch of my body in a

passionate kisses

Gets an offer like that.

Tom, it's not every day a girl gets given a fur coat wrapped around a bottle

champagne.

No, probably not.

Oh, you really shouldn't have done it, Tom.

It must have cost you a fortune.

Alison, Alison, it seemed to be under impression gave you...

Left it out of my sight for a minute.

What? You mean this isn't my fur coat?

No.

It's not your birthday present to me?

No.

Oh, then, um... That wasn't your note about the, um...

Kisses and things.

Wish with all my heart it had been, Alison, but Trump...

rather embarrassed, to be honest.

Not too upset, then? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I mean, I'm just rather upset I haven't got the present that you did buy for me.

I'm sure it was a lot more exciting than a boring old fur coat.

Just tried to think what you'd like.

Yes, I'm sure you did, Tom.

What did you get, then?

Punch balls.

Self -defense, you know.

Oh, a punch ball sounds very lovely, Tom.

Thought you could hang it up somewhere.

Chapin's shop said very useful for training. Oh, yes, yes, indeed.

Latest model, do -it -yourself job.

Stuff it at home.

a lot of cards about.

What are we going for a drive? No, no, no. Just drop in my place. A little

drink. Ooh.

Alison, I just had a thought.

Um, meant to give you a punch ball, gave you a fur coat. Yes, I did. Well, must

be a fellow somewhere thinks he's given a woman a fur coat, given her a punch

ball. Yes, so's the last.

It's embarrassing.

Oh, they realise it's been a mistake.

Probably have a jolly good laugh.

Probably, yes.

Punch ball?

I mean, what sort of idiot gives a girl a sodding punch ball on her birthday?

You don't know, pussy. There's obviously been some awful mistake.

I'll say there's been a mistake.

What about this note?

Thought this might come in useful. Like to help you stuff it sometime.

What are you saying?

Really will find punch ball useful? It could easily change. No, no, I can use

to practice my pin choice.

It's a sort of a straight arm punch.

To show you?

Yes, why not? Right.

Oh, you'd better hold the coat. You don't want to damage it.

Now then, I have to start by building up my aggression.

Yes. I hate you.

I hate you. Yes, very good.

Really do.

Good, good. It's good, isn't it? Yes.

Begin to see what instructs the men.

What?

Wonderful style, but could let go a bit more.

I don't want to do you any injury.

Prepare to take risks. Well protected.

Right then.

I hate you.

Yes.

Yes, yes.

A fur coat, which somebody stole in the library.

It's not the most convincing of stories, Terence. But it's true, Pussy, it must

be. Must it? Oh, I can think of a better explanation.

For God's sake, Terence, do stop snivelling. I can't help it. I thought

going to be the most wonderful day of my life. I was going to give you the

present and the champagne and then take you back to my... You mean you've at

least got something to drink? It was stolen of the coat, Pussy.

But it's all right. I bought some brandy to have after dinner.

What on earth's going on over there?

I hate you! Rotten chauvinist!

You've only ever wanted me for my party!

I'll never forgive you!

You've used me! And now you want to cut me in half!

I hate you! I hate you! All right, all right. I know how to deal with you.

You really did touch it right. up my nose. Now, don't you worry, son. You

fight? You can have one with someone who's not afraid to hit back. And I can

warn you... Not

bad

at all.

Um, could use leg movement plus... arm movement a little more vigorously.

Do you think that woman is wearing my fur coat?

It looks just like it, Pussy, and that girl works in the library, you see. So I

suppose she must have stolen it. Right.

Well, we'll soon sort her out. Hang on, Pussy, don't you think we should...

Well, you know what she did to that man?

Oh, you're not scared, are you, Terrence? Not exactly. It's just that I

believed that physical violence really solved anything.

Maybe we should go to the police, you know. You're a coward, Terrence. A

pathetic, cringing, runty little coward.

It's over between us, Terrence.

Finished, finito. I never want to see you again.

Tom, is he all right? Yes, yes. Silly fool. Own fault. Should have kept out of

the way. Sends his apology.

You'd never forget.

Yes, well, then you've been quite successful, in a way.

I haven't even had a drink.

Oh, yes, a drink would have been nice.

Ah, just remembered.

My father's.

This is Dad's old drinking stick.

Oh, I do hope Mr. Wingent's all right.

That was his girlfriend that turned up at the party on her own.

Hope they haven't had a row or something.

Typical. What?

You. I mean... Surrounded by disaster.

Only one thought.

Welfare of best friend.

Remarkable woman, as. Oh, Tom.

No, no, really. Utter fiasco. Wrong present. Wrong party. No cake.

Even singing pillar box turned out to be congenital half -wit.

I can't help worrying about Mr. Wingent.

Little things do upset him so.

Thanks for, thanks for, once more.

I wonder why he does it.

Why, who does what?

Whoever. Up there.

Always bowling moblies.

My direction.

At least he brought us together.

True. I know what you mean, though.

It would be nice, wouldn't it, if some of the things that happened to you were

bit more positive?

Yes, nice if occasional balls, strong off -spin, missed leg stump, went on for

boundary by.

Look at that!

Ah!

Wait here.

What is this?

If I had to be anyone, they'd be...

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