Original subtitles

Here I go again.

I hear the trumpet blow again.

Oh, what a blow again.

Taking a chance on love.

Me right side again.

About to take that right again.

Dari -eyed again.

Taking, taking a chance on love.

Not much good at speeches.

Not much like long goodbyes, either.

Just wanted to say... Oh, hop.

Back in a minute.

Alison! Lovely surprise.

Didn't expect to see you come in. Do come in.

I thought you were going to be romantic, but really, soft lights, music, drinks.

It's only ten o 'clock in the morning.

Ah, yes, that.

Better explain.

I'm not pushing you too fast, am I, Tom? I mean, I'm not forcing you into

something you're not really ready for.

It's only really what I said in my letter, that's all.

Letter? Well, the one that said I'd be calling round today and that, um...

You did get it, didn't you?

Afraid not, no. Actually, I haven't had any letters now for six and a half

weeks. Haven't you?

Yes. Well, why not?

Oh, no idea.

Coincidence happens to me all the time. I'd like to know what your letter said,

though. Oh, well, um... It said, um... Tom,

if you didn't get my letter, then why are you drinking whiskey with the

drawn and the lights turned down at ten o 'clock in the morning?

Yes, um, I had some rather sad news yesterday.

It's a sort of memorial service for Barnaby. Barnaby?

Wallace's replacement.

Dead? Completely.

Oh, no.

I've never had a hamster myself, but I know you can get very fond of him.

Well, how did it happen?

It fell down the back of the sofa.

Squashed him.

Really do miss him.

Friendly little beggar.

But...

In the flower pot.

Going to put him over there by the window soon. How about we get some

and plant them in his pot?

That way, whenever we look at them, we'll think of Barnaby.

Wonderful idea, Alison. Really wonderful idea.

Rather touched by that.

Any particular sort of flowers in mind?

Oh, snowdrops, daffodils, pansies. Not pansies, I think.

Very much a man's hamster.

the old friend, shall we? Lovely, lovely, yes.

Quite cheered me up.

Tom, have you really not had any letters for six and a half weeks?

Absolutely, not a one, not a one. Used to have three, four a day. Oh, you know,

bills, stuff from Reader's Digest, got a catalogue from Fratton's once.

Then six and a half weeks ago, all dried up.

That's very strange.

No, no, no, not really.

Learned as a victim of coincidence to live with these things. Learned to flow

with the tide. Look, you'll forgive me. Am I persisting, Tom? You see, when I

was coming up the road, I saw the postman. I saw him put some letters

your box. They must have gone somewhere.

Nothing there now.

See for yourself.

Well, I'm going to have a jolly good look round.

I couldn't find anything, Alison. Check that hall every day for six weeks.

Absolutely no letters.

I still can't believe it, really.

It must have been a combination of things.

New postman, hitting letters.

Through box, harder than before.

Drop from hall window, floating letters up behind storage heater.

Extraordinary.

Very interesting.

Oh, it's another unpaid bill, Tom. The gas board are threatening to cut you off

and the electricity.

You don't hand these bills, really.

Well, because you haven't been getting them. You haven't been paying them.

Never do pay bills.

Too many things can go wrong, so get bank to pay them, but...

Doesn't seem to have done so. All these return cheques. Bank must have gone

stark raving mad.

Oh, I think I might have part of the reason here, Tom. It's your statement.

You're a bit overdrawn.

Overdrawn? Never. Impossible.

Never, ever been overdrawn. How much?

£9 ,300.

And there's a letter from the manager as well requesting that you

rectify this within seven days.

Yes. Dear Mr Chance, we know...

What are you going to do?

Going to phone back now.

Ah, yes.

Better make call from box down road.

Alison, very grateful.

Crisis averted.

All thanks to you.

Oh, hello.

Hello. Is that the veterinary surgeon?

Yes, I'm sorry to trouble you, but it's about my daughter's hamster.

Yes, I know you don't normally deal with very small animals, but she's very fond

of this one, and the little fellow is obviously not well.

Hmm?

Oh, well, it's partly it's breathing, and partly it's got one or two other

problems.

Connected with the other end.

I... I wondered if it was worth my while bringing him round to you, because if

you could help him in some way, I'd be... Hello?

Hello?

Hello? Oh.

Oh, God.

Oh,

Tom, make them sort it out. It's not your fault.

They're the ones who've made the error. Yes, yes. It mustn't have changed.

They don't seem to mean it.

Actually... I don't know why that happened.

It's funny, isn't it?

Hello? Yes.

Chance. Tom. Chance.

Like a word with manager, please?

No.

Manager.

Sit back.

Manager, too busy to come to phone.

Have to go round. Would you like me to come, too?

Kind of. Not really necessary.

I could wait back at the house for you, make a bit of lunch, perhaps.

Lovely idea.

Lovely. Should be about an hour. Oh, good. And then when you get back, I

show you my, um... I could show you my letter.

Good. Good.

Cup of tea.

For me.

like a normal branch of a respectable bank. I'm in there tonight.

Now, come on, Mandy, don't be soft.

Get his head right into the bucket.

And I want his trousers back on before he goes back on the counter.

And look out for those stairs.

There's a loose rod at the top. He can't afford another accident.

I thought you were supposed to be tidying this place up.

I don't care if she's enjoying herself or not. Just cut her down.

And tie her and get her home.

I'm sorry, madam, but the bank does not allow customers in the administrative

area.

What's this one doing here?

He looks as if he can still walk. Why wasn't he sent home with the others? Mr.

Chance, sir. You may remember.

Ah, the chap about the drains. Thank God.

Look. I know you've got a lot to do, but could you make it your first priority

to get Mr Graham's foot out?

I don't care. You have to smash the lavatory bowl entirely.

What has he done? Chance isn't a plumber, sir. He's a customer.

Customer? Yes, customer.

Been waiting 15 minutes.

I'm very sorry, Mr Chance, but we have got one or two problems of our own this

morning. If you'd care to come back tomorrow with one of my girls

You're going to see me now?

Your excuse has been messed about by this bank quite enough for one day.

complete satisfaction or probably going to break both your arms.

Well, if it's really urgent, of course.

I can probably spare you five minutes. Is my office ready, Diana?

I'm not sure, sir. I know they were planning to disinfect it. Yes, well,

mind. We'll have to do that.

This way, Mr. Charles.

we do for you? Three complaints, really. Take them in order.

Number one.

Receive this letter and find me overdrawn, requesting immediate

It's normal practice to send out that sort of letter, Mr. Chance. We don't

it any more than you. Yes.

Complaining about the tone, above all. Listen.

Dear Mr.

Chance, we know your thought, you whinging little shyster.

And if you don't pay up, I'll be sending... Found the heavy mob with a

decker to drill holes in your knees.

Signed, M .B.

McElhose, manager.

Where do I begin?

You may have noticed, Mr. Chance, that things are not entirely normal in the

back of the day.

Organizationally speaking.

Spotted one or two oddities, yes.

That was because the manager who left yesterday, the Mr. McElhose who signed

your letter, held a party in the most irregular fashion to celebrate his

passing. And that has made my first day as manager of this branch I'm replacing

Mr. McElhose extremely difficult.

Moved on to higher things, has he?

Not entirely, no.

Mr. McElhose was dismissed three weeks ago for indulging in the most

activities in the ladies' cloakroom.

With three girls from the job opportunity scheme.

Well, it seems that he elected to work out his notice by playing a few

jokes on certain customers. But I do assure you, Mr. Chance, that there is no

further need to worry. There's no longer worry on that count. In fact, next

complaint's the really worrying one.

Because of overdraft, all checks return.

A lot of people out there getting very angry indeed.

Well, at least...

Electricity bills will pay. No, no, no, no. In fact, the electricity company

sent real bills with correct amounts.

That's it.

Indicating that if not immediately settled, they would cut me off.

But I mean, this is ridiculous.

And the telephone as well, and the gas.

I'm glad to see you're getting the drift of the thing.

And the car.

I mean, this finance company wants to take back your car. Ah, yes, not so

worried about the car, as it happens.

You don't mind if they take off? No, well...

No longer got the car.

Possibly heard of Hercules Transporter forced to land on M3?

Landed on my car.

Fortunately, not in it at the time. No use to anyone now. They can have it if

they like.

I'm afraid that only makes matters worse, Mr. Johnson.

You see, this is a notification that the finance company have got a warrant to

seize either your car...

or good from your house to the value of the car.

It's worth a brass farthing, Mr. Chance.

They take it.

Now, I hesitate to say this, but before I get to work on all these bills, is

there anything else you have to tell me? I mean, anything at all?

Small point, really. Yes, well, far away. I mean, let's have it all out in

open while the going's good.

Girl under your desk.

Not quite sure what she's up to, but rather she didn't do it to me.

You dirty, dirty, dirty girl.

Leave him alone and come out of there at once.

I mean, look at you.

I mean, you haven't even got any... I just don't believe this is happening.

Diana, come in here for a moment, will you?

I'll bring a raincoat or something with you.

You can tell Mr. Hopgood to call off the search for Miss Prestwick.

Mr. Chance, you should have said.

Ah, Diana, you've got a coat on.

Is this the best you can do? Well,

it's not a lot of bloody use, is it?

We've got to smuggle her through the foyer without anyone noticing, haven't

I didn't know what you wanted it for, did I?

And if you're going to shatter me like that... Oh, what can I say?

Don't be so pathetic.

Steady on, old boy.

Hardly, Diana.

No,

of course, you're quite right.

Absolutely right. I'm sorry, Diana, I apologise.

I really am, but let's get her out of here.

Don't worry, Mr Davidson, I'll look after her. Yes, I'm sure you will,

And, Diana, watch out for that carpet at the top of the stairs.

Now, Mr Chancellor, I'll tell you what I want you to do.

I want you to trust me, and I want you to leave this matter entirely in my

hands. And I give you my... binding assurance that I shall not leave this

until I have personally contacted every single one of your creditors, that I

have paid them, and that I have restored your account to its proper order.

Seems very reasonable to me.

Settle, then.

Good. Yes.

And if there's anything else we can do, any time... One thing. Yes.

Could invite me to next party.

And watch out for that carpet. There's a loose top rod.

God, doesn't anyone do any work in this place?

Mr. Tom Trans.

Dear Tom, difficult to say this, feel I must.

Stable relationship.

Known each other four days now.

Ready to move to greater depth.

Dynamic structure of ongoing relationship.

Need for physical dimension.

Fulfilled growth capacity.

Love.

Alison, X, X.

Dear Tom, difficult thing is feline muscles. Hello, Tom.

Ah.

Did it all go well at the bank?

Yes, all straightened out now.

Oh, God.

I see you got my letter then.

Yes.

Have you read it? Yes, yes. I didn't quite understand it at first, but

beginnings get the drift.

I shouldn't be doing this, really.

But I've always wanted to, you know, play the vamp and be the woman of the

who seduces men and yells them back to her boudoir.

I always wanted to do it to Mr.

Henstridge, but I didn't think his heart would be quite up to it.

I'm probably just embarrassing you, aren't I?

No, no, certainly not.

I've just forgotten what a right little tearaway you are.

Apparently not.

Excuse me.

Better answer the door.

It's not Tom's fault.

No, no, of course not.

Oh, my God.

Man come to cut off gas?

But, Tom, you can't just sit there and let this happen.

Why don't you do something?

No, no, no, no.

Recognise the signs.

Coincidence. Best just slowly.

the tide. You shouldn't let this happen to you. You're just being too soft with

these people.

Now, you just sit there. I'll deal with this lot.

Could I borrow your jacket?

Right.

Wasn't interrupting anything, was I?

Look, matey, better get one thing clear here. Any more wise remarks

about young lady, and I will personally I'll instantly seat you on that aerial

and tune you to channel four.

Understood?

Sorry, mate.

Could you take the TV plug out, please?

Yes.

Oh, dear!

This man's guess is a baby!

Yes, yes, I know. Oh, good morning.

The name's Beck, sir, and I've come to collect the card. But I've told him you

haven't got it any more.

It's either the card, sir, or two and a half thousand pounds.

Could easily phone bank to check.

I could indeed, just as I could restrain myself from beating poor defenseless

animals to death with my bare hands.

I could make a phone call, and I'm not going to.

All right, lads, you can start in here.

There's every single value.

All right, lads.

Change of plan.

It's not things of value that you take from this house. It's everything, right.

You understand me? Everything.

Carpets, curtains, lap shades, lavatory paper.

If it can be moved, I want it out of here and in that lorry.

The only thing that you leave in this house is the dust.

I want this one to suffer.

I've not really been lucky in relationships with women. This evening,

point. Oh, I don't know. Could have been worse.

Could it?

Well, at least I managed to persuade that man to leave us for food. Oh, well,

just don't know how you did that.

Alison, really grateful to you. Wonderful.

Yes, and we've still got the lights.

I mean, that's one thing they can't cut off, isn't it? We've certainly paid...

No.

New bill.

Proper amount.

Not paid.

Alison.

Very, very good of you to keep me company like this. Must warn you, likely

a very boring evening.

Oh, is it?

Yes, well, not a lot to do, is there?

Didn't even leave a pack of cards.

Oh, no, um... I suppose we'll just have to try and think of something.

Not going to be easy, though.

Can't be many things don't cost any money.

Two people can do...

On the floor?

In the dark?

No, but, um... I'm sure we'll think of something.

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