Original subtitles

All right, calm down, now, lads. Calm down, fellas. Chorus coming up. Here we

go.

Well, that's... A fair successful robbery, and it went like a dream. Aye,

well done to you, Master Roger, for sneaking in through the porthole. And

for carrying out the safe single -handedly. Well done to you two, both of

for dispatching those two guards with your wooden arse. And you were... Well

done to you, sir, for staying behind and looking after the boats. Yes, Captain,

well looked after the boat.

Thanks a lot for the aid, Ramon, but I stuck at it. But I want you lads to

If anything had gone wrong out there, I would have bust a gut to get you lads

out. Aye, you would as well.

Good old sir.

Let's have a look at the booty.

Hey.

Gone signet ring.

Fair enough.

Diamond bracelet.

Lovely.

Stainless steel St. Christopher.

You can have that, Rog.

All right, lads. Why don't we divide all this into blocks?

I'll take all the fiddly stuff, like the gold, the money and the diamonds.

And you guys can share all the, um, all the wooden items.

What?

There you go, lad.

What is this?

This is something incredibly special and expensive.

What is it, Cliff?

It's a Fabergé egg, Captain. There you go.

Fabergé egg. One of the best aftershaves money can buy.

And a little bottle, too.

Oh, wow. Thanks, Captain.

We're rich.

Aye. Oh, that's... I'm off to Tahiti.

Spend the rest of your day sunning me top.

sandwiched between several sun -kissed sweethearts, sunbathing on a diet of

sex, sand and cellulite.

Here's the future.

The future.

And who said piracy doesn't pay?

This is the Royal Navy.

You're on arrest for piracy.

Come out with your hands up.

Captain, we're surrounded.

Oh, Christ. Shall we stand and fight?

No, let's stop and think.

Come on.

Oh, Captain, it's OK. Ha, ha, ha. Disho, disho, disho.

Look at our horses kick, lads.

Oh, bollocks.

All right, lads, now remember, we've got nothing on us, so we admit to nothing,

all right?

Gentlemen, you are pirates, are you not?

Aye, we are.

No. No, we're not.

No. No. No, we're not. Yes, we are.

You are.

We are. We are, yes.

And you are accused of attacking a ship and stealing its valuables. How do you

plead? Guilty. Absolutely.

Guilty as sea.

No, no, we're not guilty.

No, no, we're not guilty.

Not guilty -ish.

Gentlemen, you plead not guilty -ish.

You'll be held in remand.

Your trial takes place one week from today.

Next. Nice defence, lad.

You knob.

Here, Smiler. Want to see my puppy?

Good Lord.

Have you seen what that man's doing? Yeah, leave him to his own devices.

Are you going to be the daddy on this here wing, or what?

No, Bolson. I'm more likely to be the mummy.

They can't lock it up.

We won't take this lying down.

We'll take this whatever way they want to give it to us. Lying down, sitting

bent double with our heads between our knees, a lump of lard between our

buttocks, bleating jet like a frightened goat.

What we're not going to do is draw attention to ourselves. I can't take

anymore, you screws.

I'll go mad, I'll go mad. All right, I'm going to take off all my clothes and

cover this entire cell in poo.

You sodding will not.

Look, we're only on remands. If we shut up and smile sweetly, we'll be out of

here in a couple of days.

Cliff. Captain.

The men aren't taking this very well, Cliff. I thought you could sing us a

and cheer us up a bit.

Very good idea, Captain.

Smile, don't ask me why.

We're going to D -I -E, die.

We're going to die in this cell. Cliff, Cliff. When we die... Cliff.

Have you got anything a bit more up -tempo?

Up -tempo, Captain? Yeah, you know, put a swing in it for the white folks.

Oh.

One, two, one, two, three. We're going to die in this cell. When we die, we're

going to die. No, I can't take it. You're going to die. I can't take it.

going to die. Shut your mouth.

Shut your mouth.

We're going to die.

Shut your mouth.

Excuse me.

Could you keep the noise down, please? I am trying to rest.

Look, sir, an inmate. Inmate?

All right, Art, shut your mouth.

All right, mate. Your name's Butler.

Captain Butler of the high seas.

We're pirates, we are.

See him?

That is Roger Mad Dog Crumsby.

And that one?

That's a deal completely off his rocker, Kumar.

We're mad, we are.

In fact, we're so mad, sometimes we just, like, sit around and laugh for no

reason. Don't we, lads?

What about you, pal? What's your name?

Uh, my name, huh?

They, uh, they call me Mr. Perkis.

Perkis, eh?

Is that Mean Machine Perkis?

No. Good.

So you're not cut up your family and pop them under the floorboards, Perkis,

then? No.

I, uh, I did have a nickname once.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. They called me Marbles Perkis.

Marbles, eh?

What is that?

I used to collect marbles.

How long have you been banged up for, Marbles?

I beg your pardon?

You know, how long have you been eating porridge?

About 30 years.

30 years?

Yeah. How did you know I like porridge?

Oh, how long have you been in prison?

Oh, I came in yesterday.

What did you do, Marbles?

That is the one question we don't ask, Rog.

Whatever Marbles has done is in the past. It's behind him now.

And here we're all the same. Isn't that right, Marbles?

No.

All right, so what did you do, Marbles? I used to be a clerk in the local tax

office. Prison, eh? Cross -section of the community.

The chap on the desk next to me, Jenkins his name was. Oh, yeah.

Well, he used to laugh at me, push me around.

Pope fun.

Then one day he went too far.

Cling, I've reordered the P94s into the out trade before processing the

counterfoils. Hey, anyone could have made that mistake.

So I went over to him and... What, with your bare hands?

With my bare hands.

He shouldn't have made me angry.

No -one should make me angry!

I understand, Marcus.

Why don't we leave you to settle there for a while while...

We'd kill up in the corner nice and quietly. Come on, lads.

Thank me for asking, Captain.

But why has he got the bed all to himself?

It's something to do with the words appease and psychopath, Bosun.

I'm sure it'll get your nut down.

Right you are, Captain.

I'm going to hold you down and dribble all over your face.

I'm afraid this is difficult to sleep.

Keep having nightmares?

You couldn't read me a bedtime story, could you?

I don't think we've got any books in here, Roger.

Perhaps you could make one up, sir.

It's just I'm feeling rather homesick and frightened right now.

All right, Roger.

Once upon a time, there was a little elf called Rory who lived in a nook by a

well. And one day, a naughty witch turned him into a goblin. Good night,

Is that it, sir?

Yep. Sir?

What did Rory do to annoy the witch, sir?

He kept her up all bloody night asking irritating questions.

When you think about it, sir, there doesn't seem much difference between

goblin and being an elf anyway.

Well, you should know that.

Do you have any other stories, sir?

There's always the sequel, Rog. Rory gets his teeth kicked in.

Not you two.

Keep the noise down. I am trying to sleep.

All right, Marble. Sorry, my fault, mate.

Look, Roger, get your head down before you get it ripped off by a madman, OK?

Yes, sir. Good. Now, sweet bloody dreams.

Captain,

we're just about to have a shower. Would you like to join us?

I feel very dirty at the moment. Oh, come on, sir.

Join in. You can borrow my towel if you want. No, thanks, Roger. I'm planning on

keeping my pants on for the next few days. Right you are, Captain.

See you later. Lads, be a bit cautious out there, won't you? Cautious, Captain?

Yeah, you know, some chaps go to pretty strange things when they're locked

together in prison, you know. What do you mean, like basket weaving?

No, not necessarily, Cliff, no. It's just that some chaps have some weird and

wonderful tastes, and when they all gather together in the communal shower

things can get a bit hairy.

Hairy, sir?

You know, lots of soapy lather, plenty of steam, all those slippery fingers and

thumbs. You mean they might try to nick a shampoo?

No, I'm just saying that if the soap slips through your fingers, don't go

rushing to retrieve it.

OK. Right, yes. Thank you very much. All right, lad. There you are, chap. All

right.

My marbles. What are you up to there, pal?

I'm packing my kit up and getting out of here. Right, keep it down, keep it

down.

What are you planning on doing?

Through the wall? Under the tunnel? Over the roof?

Out the door.

Simple but brilliant.

Look, you haven't got room for another half yet. I won't be any trouble. I'm

sorry, I can't help you. I've finished my sentence.

You'll just have to get through yours.

You character.

You've only done two days.

That's right. That's what the judge gave me. Two days hard labour.

You're having a laugh. You went over to Jenkins on the desk next to you,

remember?

That's right.

Broke his blasted pencil.

Paid my debt to society, and now I'm going home.

He broke his blasted pencil.

Not just his pencil. I also snapped his protractor. I'm crying out loud!

Now, where's my feathery hat?

I really must be on my way. It's just under the bed there, mate. Oh, it's

They were a charming bunch of chaps in there, weren't they, Clifton?

Yes, Master Roger.

Nice of that little fella to offer to loop your bag.

Rather too nice.

We're going for a walk round the excise yard.

Captain? Captain?

Jaguar, Jaguar, let's go and have a game of marbles?

No, Miss Flitchcroft. You can't enter your expenses in the April column for

financial...

They built the gallows then, both of them? Aye, Master Roger, it is excellent

craftsmanship. Everything dovetailed, tractor, tongue and groove, brass

hinges, well greased.

It'll be us up there in a day or two.

Really? How super.

It's nice to know someone's put in so much effort on our behalf.

Trial's coming up tomorrow.

I wonder where the captain is.

Probably standing himself in Tahiti. I mean, who can blame him? My name's Mr

Purdy, I tell you, Mr Purdy. Mr. Perkis.

All right, partner.

Mr.

Perkis for one. Poor fellow.

I just worked out how the captain escaped and I think we can do it too.

Are you sure, Ad?

Sure, I'm sure.

Have you noticed there are no bars in the windows in the canteen? Yes, that's

true. There are no bars. And the guard only goes past once every five minutes.

Aye, he doesn't patrol too regular.

Tomorrow night, after light's out, I'll inflate myself to three times my natural

size.

Then, by expelling all the air through my bottom, I can carry on my back and

off to Never Never Land.

Adil, I think we should give that idea a little more thought. Chet, Chet, Chet.

You're worried about falling off. It's all right. You can use my buttocks as a

hand grip.

Thanks, Adil. We'll get back to you on that one.

Well, he's completely lost it, hasn't he?

I doubt we'll ever get out of here alive.

I want to see you, lads.

Keep it off the corner, now!

Captain! No, no, I'm not the captain. I'm Colin.

Mr. Collins, your lawyer.

Captain, you've got to stand up! No, no, no, I'm Colin Collins, the lawyer.

I'll be representing you in court tomorrow.

Ah!

There's a few things I want to clear up with you chaps.

Now, I'm right in stating, aren't I, that none of you have ever committed any

crimes before.

No. No.

And you've all got watertight alibis for why you weren't at the scene of this

crime. Yes.

Absolutely.

Okay, well, keep thinking about them because I'll be asking you questions

them tomorrow at the trial in court. Remember.

It was a pleasure meeting you, Mr. Collins.

Thanks, lads. See you in the morning. Thanks, Mr. Collins. Goodbye, Mr.

Cheerio. Let me out of the choir now!

Well, that was a bit of a result, wasn't it? Oh, yeah.

Pity, though.

For a minute, I thought it was the captain.

Order in court.

Hmm. Now, Mr Collins, we haven't seen you here before.

No, sir, I'm a newcomer.

I see. So you have spent several years at the bar?

Oh, yes. Three years at the bar and two years in the snug.

Yes, Mr Collins, get on with it. We've got a full day ahead of us.

Rightio, sir.

Gentlemen, you're accused of being pirates.

Yet I intend to prove to this court that you are all innocent.

Say, old -timer, where were you the night of the 15th?

Round his house.

Round his house. Thank you.

And you, sir, where were you at the time?

I was around his house.

Around his house. And, um, where were you?

Me? I'd gone round his house.

And I take it you were round his house.

That is correct, innit?

That's right, my lads.

There you go, Your Honour. All round each other's houses. What could be more

innocent than that?

Your Honour, we're changing our plea. Guilty, but with mitigating

Guilty?

These men are idiots.

Look at them. They're the little guys.

The guys that get picked on in school, kicked in the pants, laughed at in

These men are stupid, sickly, weak.

Oi, leave it out. The real villain of the piece, Your Honour, is this man.

Me? Captain Marbles Butler.

The most evil pirate ever. But,

but, but, my name's Mr Perkis.

It was he, Your Honour, who led these poor, innocent men into a life of crime.

But, but, but, I work at the local tax office.

Silence! I decree that these cretinous but easily led men each

receive two days' community service.

Suspended for two years.

Thank you, Judge.

You are free to go.

As for you, you will be taken from this place and hanged

by the neck until you are dead.

But I'm not Captain Butler. I'm just a simple... All right, mate. Take your

punishment like a man.

But I'm innocent.

I'm innocent. You hear?

Hang on a minute. Hang on a minute.

Now, that's your man. That is the real Captain Butler.

It's the captain.

Everybody, it's Captain Butler. Come to sail after.

Oh, Captain.

Oh, bollocks.

Get your foot up my face, for I'm a free man.

All right, you lot. Pack your bags and on your way.

Keep your noses quiet, now!

The executioner will be here in about 20 minutes.

Is that all right?

Yeah, great.

Well, sir, looks like we're off.

I haven't seen my toothbrush anywhere, have you?

Oh, Roger, no.

It's just I put it over there and it's disappeared now.

Yeah, well, you'll probably have to buy a new one.

Oh, blast.

That really makes my blood boil.

Excuse me, Captain.

Yes, Adil?

It's just that you are sitting on my shirt.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

It's all greased now.

Thanks a lot.

Captain, just came to say goodbye to you.

Yeah, thanks, Bosun. It's very thoughtful of you. Don't suppose I shall

seeing you after this?

No, I don't suppose you will.

You've got that tenner you owe me.

What about a fiver? No.

Any loose change? Just book her off.

I just came to wish you luck.

Yeah, thanks, mate. Now, remember, chin up, shoulders back, noose on.

Anyway...

We've

got some great executions lined up for you tonight.

a warm, talky welcome to A Pirate.

OK, now, you're a pirate.

What's your name?

Captain Butler.

Captain Butler. Give him a round of applause, ladies and gentlemen. That's

lovely. OK, now, Captain, you've got a funny story for us, haven't you?

You know, about your trip to the hairdressers?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Ah! I'm on the wrong card.

What a bird.

Been at it long?

Yeah, a couple of years. Can we get on with this?

He can't wait to get started, ladies and gentlemen. What a trooper!

OK, now, as a pirate, you must spend a lot of time at sea, yeah?

Yeah, that's right, yeah.

Well, actually, I had a brother once spend a lot of time at sea.

When he came home, we had to scrape the particles off his arse!

You've been caught. You're going to die.

But now's your chance to... Pick your execution!

Do I have to go through this? Can we just get this over and on with?

Look, mate, this may be just an execution to you, but it's my bloody

so put a bit of effort into it, all right?

OK, now you've... Which one's it going to be? You've got ten seconds to make up

your mind. Do you want hanging, burning or beheading? Come on, let's go.

I'll go for the hanging. He's going for the hanging!

Here's your lucky bonus card.

I'm going to ask you three questions. If you give me three correct answers, you

win a complete amnesty plus a holiday of a lifetime.

Are you ready and willing to play?

Yeah, sure.

OK, now, take your time. First question.

Can you name the capital of Spain?

Madrid.

It is Madrid.

Oh, well, one down but two to go.

An Afroduziac. An Afroduziac.

is a kind of love potion.

Can you spell potion?

P -O -T -I -O -N.

That's what it says on the card.

He's through to the final question.

OK, nervous?

A bit. Yeah, you should be. OK, here goes. What is my wife's favourite food?

Eh? Yeah, it's a tricky one, so concentrate.

I don't bloody know.

OK, OK, I'll give you a clue. Look.

Moo.

Is it beef?

No, it's yoghurt!

Thank you, thank you. Any last words?

Er, yeah.

I suppose I made a mess of me life.

I should have been an architect at the local council, you know.

An everyday existence, writing out memos, drawing up plans, getting a

through from Mr Hare. Yeah, yeah, yeah, off you go.

So this is that, then.

It's not evidence cracked up to be.

Feels strangely light.

Oddly buoyed up.

Heurishly without weight.

Shift your ass, Captain.

It's in your nuts.

Hello, sir.

We've got you. Don't worry.

All right, lads, lower the jib. Lower the jib, Master Roger.

The jib is lowered.

Raise the mental!

Degrees to Tahiti!

Tahiti!

You know, lads, I've been thinking. All this time we've spent together.

And, you know, we've had our ups and our downs, but we've come through it all.

And I think it's brought us all closer together.

You mean forging links in the crucible of adversity, Captain?

Yeah, Cliff, that kind of thing.

You mean bonded, galvanised, assuming a single corporate identity?

Yes, Adele. Like one big happy family?

I couldn't have put it better myself.

You mean in a word?

a team.

Yeah, a team.

Don't you agree, lads?

No. No way.

All right, lads. Bosun, you stay on that wheel. Aye, aye.

I'm going to my cabin for a toss.

Cocked off.