Original subtitles

Me hearty.

Calm down, now, lads. Calm down, fellas.

Chorus coming up. Here we go.

Rigging in the rigging.

Rigging in the rigging.

Rigging in the rigging. Rigging in the rigging.

Rigging in the rigging, Captain.

Sir, I thought I was supposed to be rigging. Not now, Master.

Look out, Captain. Chorus coming up again. Rigging in the rigging.

Rigging in the rigging.

Rigging in the rigging. Chorus coming up again.

Bollocks.

Roger, go on, give it a good pull. I'm trying to, sir, but it won't stand up.

That's because you're not holding it properly, Raju.

Yours seems to come off with the merest touch, adieu. That's true, and every

time you pull that thing, it shoots off all over the bloody floor.

Don't tug it so.

Look, tease it gently with a slight flick of the wrist.

You've got a very steady one, Cliff, I must say.

Thank you, Captain. I find if I put a dab of spittle on the end of it, it

up all night.

Oh, no, mine's a little...

There you go. You can't beat a good game of Battling Tops, can you? What do you

mean?

No matter, Bosun, you're not having fun.

When you suggested that we put in the coast for provisions, we all thought you

meant one or two days.

It's been three weeks now.

Yes, what do you say? You don't like it in the marina?

We shouldn't be bobbing about in a marina. We're pirates, for heaven's

We've got one of the best spots in the road. There's a 24 -hour shop. We're

right by the steps.

What more do you want?

Couldn't we be doing something more exciting than this, sir?

Yeah, it's grab a granny Saturday night. That'll be a bunk up.

We're buccaneers, Captain. We should be out there sailing, ramming and fighting,

not turning, spinning and tossing.

Don't you keep your voice down.

The caretaker here shall be out in all he is. Captain, he has a point. I mean,

all of this seems a bit multi.

Oi!

I thought I told you not to stay away from our boat! Now piss off!

I tell you, that Sobey's a right pest, isn't he? Sorry, what were you saying?

We're the only pirates in the whole marina, sir. All the others are moored

Plymouth. It's meant to be a right laugh over there.

Aye, I heard the black... Blackbeard and his crew pulled in last week from a

raping and pillaging tour of the Bahamas.

Blackbeard? Aye.

The Bahamas? Aye.

He's never been further than Belgium.

Everybody says he's the finest pirate in the West Country.

And he's one for the ladies as well.

Beards, for God's sake.

Women aren't attracted to men with beards. I thought you said they were a

old aphrodisiac, sir. Give them something to hang on to.

Roger, men only grow beards to hide their weak jawlines.

There's nothing sexy about that now, is there? Eh?

There's stuff I hear spoken about, Blackbeard.

Blackbeard did this, Blackbeard did that.

They didn't do half the stuff we're supposed to.

Someone loses a shoe.

Blackbeard nicked it.

That's Blackbeard.

It's all fuzzy chops again.

So bollocks spoken about Blackbeard. Oi, keep the noise down. We've got kids

trying to sleep back here.

All right, mate, sorry, sorry.

Guys, tone it down a bit.

Are we going to do any pirating or what? Sure we are, Bosun, sure we are. We've

just got to bide our time, believe me.

There's lots of rich pickings to be had in the marina. Well, something better

turn up soon, sir.

Sitting around on one's arse playing board games all day is not my idea of

a pirate.

Don't worry, lad.

Don't worry. Something big will turn up soon. You mark my words.

Now, who's in for a game of crib?

I'm sorry about that, Blackbeard, but you misheard me, mate. I said that was a

cracking beard.

Yeah, yeah, very sexy.

Yeah, I know you want for the ladies. I'm chugging myself.

Give it off.

Don't pull out your covers.

Who is it?

It's me.

Both of them. Oh, thank Christ for that.

Come in.

I was on deck keeping watch when this little girl about... six or seven, came

skimming along the quay, slipped and fell in the water.

Really? Aye, the lads and I fished her out. She's up on deck now.

Right. Is she all right? Oh, aye, Captain, she's all right.

Put a lump of fat behind her ear, stuff her in the oven, gas mark seven, she'll

come out lovely.

You are deranged, Bogson.

I teach her.

How is she, Cliff?

Breathing erratic, pulse weak.

She swallowed an awful lot of water, Captain.

Is she going to live?

Difficult to say.

Slight evidence of minor contusions to the upper clavicle and lower cranium.

You seem to know your stuff, Cliff. Slight swelling of the throat, pupils

dilated, BP down to 80 over 40.

I'm afraid there's nothing we can do for her.

Any idea what happened? It'll all be in my report.

Off the record? Off the record, she drowned. But don't quote me on that.

She's breathing. Merely exhalation caused by the collapse of the lungs.

I think we've lost her now. She's moving her hands.

Inflammation of the nerves. Apart from that, I'd sign the death certificate.

Dammit, she's coughing.

Involuntary muscle spasm. Daddy, daddy.

She's going to live.

She's trying to say something.

Hi, daddy.

All right, fellas.

Put her in my cabin.

There.

Are you okay now?

Yes. Good.

Now, you sleep here, and we'll take you home in the morning, okay? My name's

Lucy. Is it?

Lucy. It's a very pretty name, isn't it, lads? Okay, well, you rest here, Lucy,

and you'll be all fresh and happy in the morning.

I'm frightened.

Oh, don't be frightened. Get some sleep, and I'll be just upstairs if you need

me, okay?

a lullaby to send me to sleep.

We don't actually do lullabies, Lucy.

Send me a lullaby!

Send me a lullaby! Send me a lullaby!

A lullaby.

Right.

Off you go, Cliff.

I beg your pardon, Captain?

A lullaby.

Right to you, Captain.

Roger.

Don't you peep behind the bandstand.

What?

Oh, say your prayers and rest your weary head.

Try your best not to pace the bed.

To join the land of North. So go to sleep, you little soul.

Good night, Lucy.

Good night, Lucy.

Good night, Lucy.

You're sleeping like a... What happened?

Right, fellas, just taking little Lucy some breakfast.

What? What is it? Sir, Cliff's come up with a brilliant plan.

Well, he's considering going on a picnic this afternoon. Cliff are thinking very

much along the same lines. Captain, I was thinking of something far more

serious. Yeah? A kidnap.

A kidnap? Mm.

A kidnap, Jack? Who are we going to kidnap? What, the shopkeeper, Mr.

We were thinking about your girl, sir.

It's the perfect crime.

She's just a little fluff.

You can't kidnap a pumpkin like that. Well, maybe we could tell the little

pumpkin it's Halloween and play trick or treat. I know what kind of trick she'd

go flying up for a boat and refuse to go along with it.

Come on, guys, we don't even know how to do a kidnap. Oh, yes, we do, sir. I

read all about it in Blackbeard's book, How to Do a Kidnap.

In his book?

Yes, it's part of his Improve Your Piracy series. What kind of financial

remuneration are we looking at? Well, it depends on the negotiations, Captain,

but we're certainly talking about a few thousand.

A few thousand?

Hmm. Well, for her.

What do we do?

Sir, whenever Blackbeard does a kidnap, he always sends a poison pennant.

Do you see?

Right.

What's one of them, then?

Made out of words cut out of a newspaper.

That way, you conceal your identity.

All we need is her address.

Hey, hey, leave that to me, fellas.

Lucy!

Are you going to tell me where your daddy lives?

I think he might be a local girl.

We could bin a note to the door of the shop.

And that will make it look like Blackbeard's, doesn't it? Good idea,

we got any newspapers on board?

It so happens, Captain, I got a copy of the Wessex Daily Scum here.

Don't carry too many words, Bolton. You can send to the montage a lady's breast,

but that's about it. Well, it says here, when I, uh... Asked Randy Nurse Rita

Orr if she gets it enough.

She pinched my little one and said, cough up.

Maybe we could do something with that. I think you're being a bit optimistic.

Could I try, please, Boston?

How about this?

Pinched little one, cough up or she gets it.

Yeah, all right.

Roger, what else do we have to do? We have to prove that we've got the child,

sir. Blackbeard usually cuts off part of the anatomy and sends it in with a

note. What a bastard.

Perhaps we could cut out her bile duct and send that.

Oh, brilliant, folks. I can just see your mum now going, Oh, oh, oh, I'd

recognise Lucy's bile duct anywhere.

Don't be such an idiot.

Well, perhaps we could lop off an ear.

Well, can we not?

compromise on a lock of hair. Don't be ridiculous. We start sending locks of

hair in, we'll look like a bunch of pansies.

Captain, I could do a portrait of her and we could pop it up on the door of

shop. Good idea, Art. No, you could paint.

Five years at Delhi Art College.

You consider that a reasonable likeness of the girl? Yes.

I excelled in abstract art.

I see her as concentric triangles, like this.

Never mind, Art.

Why don't we just nick a sock off her and send that in? Only if we can yank it

off in a vicious way.

All right, folks. So we nick a sock off her, package it all together and bang it

up on her shop door tonight.

Right you are, Captain.

All right, guys, to work.

I must say, sir, this has got to be the most exciting excavate we've had yet.

I'm hungry!

I'm hungry!

I'm hungry!

This better work, guys, or she goes back overboard.

Roger, get her out of my cabin before she trashes the place.

Burton's taking a time getting back from the shop, sir.

Yeah? Hope he remembers that share about Deb.

It's the Burton.

It's the Wittig's daily scum.

We've hit the front page.

What, Belinda Bosom's bears all?

No, no, no, down at the bottom.

Dirty Debs does the dishes.

Jerry, kidnap plot by leading pirates. Bloody hell.

Hey, top pirates yesterday took a small girl hostage according to local

tradesman Mr. Wolvers, 46, whose delightful daughter Diane dropped them

17. Come on.

Right. Good Lord.

I'm going to be popping down the shop a bit more often, lads.

Well, looks like we made it. Front page news.

Who said we couldn't do some decent piracy in the marina, eh? Well done,

Glad you stuck to your guns.

You're going to make our fortune out of this. We'll be back on an even keel,

financially speaking.

Well, you know what I say, you've got to get stuck in in this business. You can

flock with the birds or run with the pack, but if there's more than two of

in a bush, you're going to spoil the broth.

and I haven't got a marrow bone ass.

Right,

on deck, lads. It's a hostage exchange situation and there are 101 things that

can go wrong.

Cliff.

Cliff, I want you to play the kidnapper. And, Boston, I want you to play the

liberator or un -kid -nap -ee.

Now, centre page three.

This is where the liberator has come on deck and you find yourselves in a face

-to -face stand -off situation, OK?

Off you go, Bosun.

You leave the girl, I'll give you the money.

OK. Fine.

OK!

Stick to the script, Captain. It's a script.

Right.

Right.

You leave the money, and I'll give you the girl. No, you drop your sword, you

leave the girl, and I give you the money. No, I'll keep the sword, you

money, then I'll give you the girl. Drop the sword, leave the girl, I'll give

you the money. Give me the money, drop the girl, give me a sword. I'll give you

two girls, no money.

Give me the money, drop the sword, get the girl. I'll give you the money, you

drop your sword, I get the girl, you give me a cuddle.

It works. It works. Read on.

All right, forget the curl.

Give me the girl.

What about the sword?

I'm not interested in the bloody sword.

Oh, all right.

20.

20.

Right.

Here's the girl.

Fair enough.

Here's the money.

You see?

It's a doddle. Right, I reckon I'm going to get an early night.

I think we'll be talking to our friend Mr Lucy in the morning, lads. Good

fellas. Good night. I think you should have been a little stronger.

No, I was fine. I was fine.

And the nominees for best pirate of the year are... Blackbeard for killing lots

of people.

Bluebeard for best artificial beard colour.

Orville Moustache for best newcomer.

Limon Bière for best pirate in a foreign language.

And Captain Butler for doing some really...

Excellent kidnapping.

And the winner is... Captain Butler.

Whoa, whoa, who's it?

Captain. Oh.

Spicy toast and masala tea, all in a bap.

Thanks very much, Ed.

Oh, by the way, I found this note pinned to the door of the shop. A note?

To whom it may concern, have ransom money, we'll exchange for a daughter.

Meet behind the shop tonight at 12 .30.

Hurt her and there'll be trouble.

What are you going to do, mate? Write to the council.

Yours sincerely, Blackbeard.

Is that good news then, Captain?

Can you get up a ways, Lisa?

I could put it in a baguette.

That's, that's, that little girl.

She's Blackbeard's daughter.

Blackbeard's daughter, Captain.

More cheese, Wilson?

Now, I reckon we pop her on the quay and get the hell out of here.

But, sir, we're on the verge of our first great success.

No, Roger, we're on the verge of mass disembowelment. Now, let's get rid of

What are we running away from Blackbeard for, Captain?

Well, he might have something to do with the fact that he's the hardest man in

Europe, Bosun. I thought you said he was a fat old beardy with a weak jawline,

sir. Oh, my God, I was only making light.

Captain, if we hold our nerve and do the switch, we could be set up for life.

You're right about the set -up, Bickcliffe. Are you saying that you're

enough to face Blackbeard, Captain?

No, I'm not saying that. Because we don't want to lose this opportunity

naked cowardice now, do we?

I'm... If we disguise ourselves, make us look like another group of pirates

altogether, I'm sure he won't risk losing his daughter to a bunch of

Oh, don't be ridiculous. I'm not getting dressed up in some third -rate pirate

getup.

Actually, these beards are excellent.

I'll never see the join.

The hat looks OK?

It looks fine, Captain.

A deal? You suppose we're the hanky in a more kind of bandana style?

Oh, no.

But why can't I get dressed up in a beard like the rest of the lads, sir?

Because you're three foot tall, Roger. You'll do to look like a gnome.

I'm going to get Lucy.

All right, sir.

Okay, guys, listen up.

Once we do the switch, we get the hell out of here, okay?

Absolutely. I'm projecting, Captain.

When you're talking to Blackbeard, throw in the odd yo -ho -ho ahs.

Right, why's that then? Gives you a more piratey feel.

And ah, don't matter that it ain't funny.

Ah!

That's too much frustration.

What you need is more big boy laughter, like... Ha -ha -ha -ha! Ha -ha!

Ha -ha -ha -ha!

Ha -ha!

Right, got it, got it, got it. Um, what's the time?

It's 12 o 'clock, Captain. We'd better get going.

Ah, Lucy, in you come now.

You're wearing funny beards.

These aren't funny beards, Lucy. This is our normal facial growth.

See? All right.

Now, your daddy's coming to meet you this evening and he's going to take you

home with him. That's nice, isn't it?

Yes. Good, good. Now, daddy's a bit like Santa in the respect that he only comes

if you're a good girl. If you're a pain in the arse, he won't show up for

another year. Do you understand?

Good.

Now, while we go and meet daddy, why don't you stay here with Roger?

Oh, do I have to stay with her, sir?

Yes, you do, Roger. Shut up and do some drawing.

I'm going to see my daddy soon.

Yes, that's right.

My daddy's very strong, you know.

Oh, is he really?

Yes, he's the strongest man in the whole world.

And he's got a proper beard.

Oh, I don't care. We're pirates.

We're probably the hardest pirates in the whole of Europe.

So why do you spend all your time in the marina, then? Because we... Look, shut

up about that.

OK, this is the right place. Good luck.

He be here. Come. Let's get out there and do the business.

Now, remember, you owe a lot. I've got it, Folsom.

Right, you. Where's me dog?

Oh, ha, ha.

That is a mean splice. Oh, you'll feel the taste of me cat.

Don't get clever with me.

Have you got my dog or not?

Oh, aye.

Two big nipples on a dead man's chest.

Then let's get down to business.

Oh, aye.

It's not very big, is it? What do you want? Money!

We want money!

Well, we'll cut it from here to here and from there to there.

And we might even take a bit off the back as well.

What are your terms?

Terms? We don't have terms on our boat. We work all year round.

How much money do you want? Now you're talking my language.

Let's say we want four score pieces of eight. Four score pieces of eight.

How much is that, then?

Oh, no, exactly.

How much is that, guys? We don't know, Captain.

We don't really know. Well, I'll tell you what. I'll give you ten guineas.

All right with you?

Let me go and check with my men.

How much is a guinea worth, Cliff? About a pound, Captain.

Yeah, but you've got to keep them and feed them and everything.

A guinea is a form of currency.

Oh, is it?

I thought it was one of them little fairy things that squeal when you drop

No, Captain.

Okay, okay.

And get it done!

It's all there.

You can count it if you want. It's a deal. A deal?

Go and get the girl.

No. I'll go and get the girl.

Cigarette?

Cheers, mate. Thanks.

Can't wait to get this thing over and done with.

Must admit, though, you're a reasonable bloke.

When I was going up against Blackbeard the pirate, I thought, hey, that's got

be fine with me.

Well, I'm not Blackbeard the pirate, I'm Blackbeard the milliner.

Sorry, what?

Oh, sorry, yeah.

Roy Blackbeard.

Hat specialist for over 12 years.

You're a hat specialist?

Hats, caps, balaclavas.

No job too small, no head too big.

We are specialists.

Forget the rest. We're the best.

Price is to fit your purse. Act to fit your head. You can tell it's a black

beard act.

Yes, it is, sir.

Oh, Daddy, Daddy.

Don't worry, love. We're going home now. No, you're not, you know.

Now I want 4 ,000 guineas off you, baby.

Or the girl gets it. And we give you the kicking of your life.

All right, lads. Raise the main sail.

Raise the main sail.

Prepare to cast off. Prepare to cast off. Person says she's ready to pull

sir. Well, let's move her out.

Are you sure you don't want to stay for the grabber granny dance on Saturday,

sir? Quite sure, Rog.

Besides, if we leave now, we're going to have to pay Mrs Henshaw for the extra

day. Oh, look, there's Mr and Mrs Pat tonight.

They're waving.

They're not waving, they're shaking their fists. Look at their quiche dish.

Oh, Toby!

Look at off from the side of our boat, you little...

The tights done some graffiti down there.

Kids, that's their age.

Good Lord.

He's written, piss off, you bunch of mankers on the side of our boat, sir.

Go and check the after.

Good to be getting away, Captain.

Don't belong in a little marina like that.

Like I said, it was all a bit small time.

Aye. Better we're moving off.

Bobbing about on a boat.

That's right. It's a man's well out there where fellas like us can feel at

Ah, Captain.

Good to get away from that half -assed little marina, innit?

Yeah. Tell you what, though, that bloody Blackbeard was bloody hard, wasn't he?

Ay, ay, ay. Tarati fifth dan, Captain.

Right, anyway, anyway.

Who fancies a game of pin the tail on the donkey?

Ah, it might be the donkey.

I'll get the keys.

Cast off.