Original subtitles

Avada Kedavra!

Calm down now, lads. Calm down, fellas. Chorus coming up. Here we go.

Rigging in the rigging

carton.

Sir, I think it's a pig. It's a pig. Not now, Master.

Look out, Captain. Chorus, can we have a game? Rigging in the rigging carton.

Oh, bollocks.

There on the horizon stood Grog, a giant with

one eye, a club foot, and a large stick held high in his horrible, hairy hand.

Closer and closer he got to the chocolate cottage, and with every step

he chanted, Yo, Peter, where you be?

I'll hit you with a stick from the billabong tree!

But just as he got to the cottage, he realised that he was totally and utterly

wrong.

And he made friends with Peter. And all the children in the village came out to

play with him. And they all laughed and danced forever.

The end.

And that story is 100 % true, is it?

So they say, Captain.

Frankly, I find it thin to say the least.

Look at, guys, the marshmallows we've done.

You're saying, Bosom, but please try and make this a proper ghost story.

Did I ever tell you, Captain, the tale of the ancient mariner?

Is that that tedious rhyming sea shanty that goes on and on for hours?

Not quite, Captain, but it's similar.

It ain't got no rhymes, and it isn't as good.

Go on, but, Roger, first you should turn in, lad. Oh, sir. Good night, Master

Roger.

Now, this be a true story, Captain, so gather round that.

This tale were told to me by the last surviving member of the Lily Tomlin, a

ship that went down exactly 20 year ago today.

It all happened one morning, just as they was approaching the horn.

All right, all right, just because the little one's gone to bed, there's no

for language.

Take horn, Captain.

Oh, sorry.

They was just two days out of port when the ship became gripped by a terrible

curse. The wind faded, and they were in the donal.

Drew back his bow and shot an arrow in the air, upward, upward it flew, until

struck that albatross clean through the aft, sending it downward, downward, ever

downward to the deck below.

Sorry to disturb you, but I couldn't help noticing that giant albatross

around above your head. Thought I'd better bag him before he got to your

sandwiches. Bloody fool, Roger, you set the curse of the ancient Mariner upon

us. Tis sure now we be playing with bad luck. The winds will fade, and the heat

will either kill us or drive us mad with madness.

I don't want to die. I don't want to die. Oh, shut up.

That's got to be the worst ancient Mariner story I've heard yet.

I ought to end mad with madness.

Oh, it's a bed.

At least I might get a decent nightmare out of it.

The curse of the ancient manor indeed.

Morning,

Bosun. Master Roger.

Quiet this morning.

Hardly any wind at all. I ought.

To what?

Hope it's nothing to do with that.

No, don't mention it, Master Roger. It is bad luck. What? The albatross? No!

What are you doing there, Bosun?

Practising me nuts, Master Roger.

Come here and I'll show you something.

This be a sheepshank. Now follow closely.

You chase the rabbit round the tree, you follow it down the hole, then wring its

neck.

That'd be a sheep shank. A sheep shank, eh? So what do you use that for?

Shanking a sheep, I suppose.

You ever shanked a sheep yourself, Bothan?

Me? No, I don't agree with it. So you're not a sheep shanker, then?

No.

Well, not really.

Can't a man forget his past?

Morning, Miles. Hey,

smashing day. Sun's out and everything.

Tis the forces gathering against us.

Please, I thought you got this hokum out your system last night. Don't mock the

faith, Captain. We must appease the sea gods.

Or incur their wrath.

What's there to do? Throw little Roger overboard and say sorry?

Here. All right.

I believe in a natural order to our universe, Bolton. The free killing of a

passing albatross isn't going to change our lives.

It's like a queen.

It's got heads on one side and tails on the other. If I flick this a thousand

times in the air, it's going to come down half the time on heads and half the

time on tails. Watch.

You're going to die.

Captain, we killed an albatross and now we play. Don't be ridiculous.

You're exaggerating, Ad.

That thing last night probably wasn't a proper albatross anyway.

What do you mean, not an albatross? I thought albatrosses were great big

That was more like a puffin or a cormorant or something.

Puffins and cormorants are still sea birds, Captain.

Yeah, well, perhaps it was a crossbreed then. Yeah, part puffin, part sparrow.

Yeah? Yeah.

How much puffin?

Say, one -fifth?

Okay, so I'll get a little bit of bad luck then.

Like one of us stubs a towel, forget to take the milk off the heat.

Hardly worth throwing yourself overboard for, lad.

Now, come down.

Okay, we'll get rid of it. Bosun, fetch the albatross. You said albatross. Oh,

it was a figure of speech. Just a figure of speech.

Now, look.

If this bear is an albatross, then it should look happy bobbing up and down

wave, shouldn't it?

Right to the bottom. That thing's about as happy in the water as my nan.

Get on the side.

Get on the breakfast.

Right you are, boss.

Roger, take the helm.

All right, chaps, how are things?

Not bad, eh?

Quiet, any problems?

Captain, last night I put the sextant in its cage by my bed.

When I woke this morning, it was gone.

Yeah?

Doesn't matter.

None of us know how to use it anyway.

Well, when I checked the hold, all the maps and compasses have disappeared.

Well, a few maps and compasses go missing, so what?

Who needs a map in the middle of the ocean anyway?

We're watery. We're at sea.

Soon as it turns lumpy, we're at land.

Don't you see? There's something very strange happening aboard this ship. Oh,

Cliff, you of all people aren't going to get all superstitious on me, are you?

No, Captain.

Touch wood.

The deal.

The food, at last.

I brought the food, Captain.

Yeah, pop it on the table, will you, lad?

I brought the food, Captain.

You little dammit.

You want to eat the food.

What, you want me to save her out myself?

Captain.

Spotted dick.

with the unknown here i am tired of all this mumbo jumbo there's no such thing

as a supernatural okay so what no more talk of it on my boat what was that

captain

master

roger he was manning the wheel

Curse has claimed its first victim.

We're going to die.

We're going to die.

We're going to die.

We're going to die.

racket, Cliff.

Well, there goes Roger.

Are you going to say a few words, Captain?

No, I can't be bothered.

Pardon me for asking, but are you travelling with a lucky talisman?

What? St. Christopher, four -leaf clover, sprig of ether or double -headed

No, what were all that kind of nonsense for? To ward off the ill fate, Captain.

Look at me, 40 years at sea, lost an arm and leg, bit of bowel trouble.

That me spleen shot away, ingrowing toenail, and had a wooden arse fitting.

Apart from that, I'm as fit as a fiddle.

That'll be a very old broken fiddle, Bosun. Why can't I?

What you need is one of that them here.

rabbit's foot, Captain.

And that's lucky, is it? Tis the luckiest thing you can get.

But the rabbit didn't see it that way. He'll be hobbling round the countryside

casing his luck right now. You can't get any luckier than that, Captain.

All right, how much is it?

That's sixpence three pardon, Captain.

All right, and where do I wear it? On your jersey in the front here, right

opposite your lucky heather.

What lucky heather? Do you mean you ain't got no lucky heather?

Oh, now, that retails at another sixpence, three -parding, Captain.

I think I can see where all this is going to lead.

Yep. Don't do myself up like this.

That'd be a grand total of 19 shillings, fourpence -parding, Captain.

All right, Bolton.

Can I, er... Can I pay you next week sometime?

No chance.

With all this bad luck around, you'll be dead by Friday.

What noise is it? See?

Nothing to worry about. Nothing to worry about.

Roger is dead.

A deal will be next.

Then it's you, Butler.

You. One man went to mow, went to mow a meadow.

One man and his dog.

You will be mutilated by a giant albatross, Butler.

A giant albatross.

Ten green bottles on the wall.

Ten green bottles hanging on the wall. You rip your nuts off with his feet.

You rip your nuts off with his feet.

Ding -dang -goo -lee -goo -lee -goo -lee -goo -lee -goo -lee -goo -lee -goo -lee

-goo -lee -goo -lee -goo -lee -goo -lee -goo -lee -goo -lee -goo -lee -goo -lee

-goo -lee -goo -lee -goo -lee -goo -lee -goo -lee -goo -lee -goo -lee -goo -lee

-goo -lee -goo -lee -goo -lee -goo -lee -goo -lee -goo -lee -goo -lee -goo -

Morning, Bosun.

Captain.

How's the deal for the life? Why, Captain, he's abed sleeping like a baby.

good. Keeps crapping himself and bawling

I thought we weren't meant to talk about that, Captain. No, I don't want to talk

about it, Bolton. I just want to mull it over. Mull it over.

Yeah. That's the captain, do you?

The captain of the Lily Tommy?

Yeah. He didn't get away in the end, did he?

No. He died a long, slow, nasty death.

Mutilated by a giant albatross.

So what happened exactly?

Did they all die at once, or did they go in some kind of chronological order?

They died in order of their genital size.

What?

Starting with the lad with the smallest tackle, then working up through the rest

of the crew.

This be a picture of the only surviving member.

I see what you mean.

You look worried, Captain.

Me? No, no, of course not. Are you sure, Captain?

Jesus Christ, yes.

Pretty well catered for in the old, erm, downstairs department, if you get me

drift. Oh, I think I'm funny, eh, Captain?

In fact, that's pecked me up quite a bit, that has.

Excuse me, I'll just take a quick... Go ahead, be my guest, mind if I join ye?

Well, the more the merrier, bossy.

mariner's has left one or two of you slightly spooked. Nobody move!

Who's nicked me saverloy?

Which is why I think we should all stay in contact from here on in. Remember, if

we all stay in contact with each other day and night, none of us are going to

get our nuts pecked off by a giant albatross.

But it doesn't matter, Ad.

Now, look, a word of wisdom for you.

Fortune favours the brave.

There's nothing to fear but fear itself.

Many a mickle makes a muckle.

Thanks. Nice speech.

Very nice speech.

Could you pass the scotch, eh?

Sure thing, Bogsy. I tell you, it was a good idea having a picnic out here,

wasn't it? Yes, Captain. Very good for morale.

That's all right. Do you want some salt with that? Aye. You spilt the salt!

It is bad luck!

Quickly, throw some over your left shoulder.

All right. Why?

Blinds the devil breaks the charm.

Isn't this merely compounding the problem? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You

easy now, Captain. All right, thanks, lad. Anyway, as I was saying... Captain,

is it me or is it getting darker out here?

I think it's you, isn't it, Cliff? No, Captain, look.

The sun.

It's an eclipse. A eclipse?

Now, that is bad luck.

Hi, Cliff.

Hi, Cliff.

I'm crying out loud.

I've only ever seen one eclipse before, Captain.

First, it was light.

Then slowly, it got darker and darker and darker.

And then, it was light again. It'd be a sign.

A sign of something imminent and horrible.

Yes, you don't have to, crap bosom.

Anyway, it's only a half eclipse.

A full eclipse is a bad look, granted. But a half eclipse is a good look.

Actually, that is a full eclipse.

Don't be so childish, Ian.

In a second now, the moon's going to pass out of the sun's sphere and it'll

light again.

See? That wasn't so bad, was it, Ad?

Ad?

Look behind thee, Captain.

I suppose that Beyonce is out of the question, Captain.

Not necessarily, Cliff.

I

am

ready, Captain.

We communicate by placing our finger upon the glass thus.

Is there anybody there?

Is there anybody there?

The glass moved.

It's because you pushed it, Bosun.

I didn't. Yes, you did. I saw you.

Did you, Bosun?

I did.

Concentrate. We cannot toy with the unknown.

Is there anybody there?

Something's happening?

Oh, spirit, what is our fate?

Why, oh.

Stop. Why, oh. Yo, that's a greeting, isn't it? He hasn't finished yet,

You'd be.

You'd? You'd what? He's not been very forthcoming, is he?

I...

Doesn't make sense.

Perhaps he's dyslectic, Captain.

It beats me.

It is done, Captain.

Oh, Captain.

You look at it another way and it says something terrible.

Well,

we've had to give ourselves a Dutch spook.

Or one with learning difficulties.

Let's see.

You. You, witch. Use the first word.

You die. Spanish.

That's not Spanish, no.

You die. That, witch. You die.

You die, butler. You die, butler.

That's the Ouija board.

Any more bright ideas, Cliff?

Captain, there is another way.

We can speak directly to the spirits, but be warned, gentlemen.

We are placing ourselves in grave danger.

I've got nothing left to lose, except me last remaining fragments of hope.

Okay.

Oh.

I call upon you, Neptune, spirit of the sea.

Answer, great Neptune, lord of the waves.

Answer, pot fish god.

God -bearded man, what is your will?

I am Neptune,

master of the sea.

You mortals have offended me.

Yes, sorry about that, Neptune.

But it wasn't really our fault. That little tick, Roger, and he's dead now.

Neptune says silence mortals. I'm sorry, pal. I'm just pointing out. Neptune

says don't point out anything.

I am so powerful, I could crush you with a gudgeon. Oh, wise Neptune, we have

angered you wrongly. Tell us what we must do to regain your favor and lift

curse. Neptune says, stand up before me.

Neptune says, hop on one foot.

See, lads, it's all nonsense.

All this talk of cases, guards, bad luck, it's all bollocks.

Silly sod thinking he's Neptune.

I haven't fallen for so much horseshit. On your knees, butler. What did you say?

I said, on your knees.

It is I who put the curse upon your ship.

If you wish to remove it, then you must do as I say.

Right you are, pal. Go out onto the...

you'll be tied and bound with naught but a little girl's bonnet upon your head.

What? There you will await my coming.

If you bid, the boat and all those in it will perish.

Right you are, pal. Fine by me. Great idea.

Oh, not the bonnet. Tit for your own

good.

You have nothing to fear, Captain, as long as you do as you are told.

Well, that's a tonic, Cliff.

I just begin to think that some crazed sea god was about to peck me cock off.

But now you say that, I'm happy as Larry.

Almighty sea god, we are ready for your coming.

Lift the curse from this ship so that we may sail free again.

Lift this curse.

Lift this curse.

Praise be the sea god and lift this curse.

All right, lads, don't be loggy.

What do you want? What do you want?

What do you want?

I want a cuddle, please.

Master Roger.

Hello there, fellows.

Jolly good ruse, eh, what?

You mean... That's right, Cliff. I made the whole thing up all the time.

How could you? It is impossible.

Nonsense, Bosun. I read the weather forecast a few days ago and knew we were

for a hot spell.

So how did you affect your voice in the cabin?

Simple, really.

I just spoke into this.

It completely changes the sound of your voice.

What about the Ouija board? How did you move the glass?

Oh, that.

I just used a common magnet and some iron filings. And the eclipse?

Done with a little cardboard disc on the end of a very long stick.

That is brilliant.

Remarkable. Well done, Roger Bader. What a fun. Well, I hope I didn't give you

chaps too much of a start.

I knew the dead albatross routine was a really smashing prank because Deacon

played it on Mr.

Housemartin when we were in the fort.

Well done, Master Roger.

You certainly pulled the wool over our eyes.

You did no mistake.

Good for you, Master Roger.

Well, Captain, did you enjoy my little play?

Very entertaining, Rog.

Perhaps we should all untie the good captain now.

Yeah, don't tie the good captain, why don't you? I must say, sir, the look on

your face as I approached you in this albatross outfit was quite hysterical.

I bet.

There you go.

Pull off now.

Good old, sir.

Good old Rog.

You know, Rog...

That prank reminded me of what me and my mates used to do when we were in the

fourth form. Oh, yes, sir. And what was that, pray?

Well, whatever someone was really getting on our tits, we'd take them

back of the bike sheds and give them a good honours kick in. Did you really,

sir? Yes, we did. Come along, lad.

Where are we off to, sir? Oh, you'll find out soon enough, lad.

Soon enough.

Cast off.