Original subtitles

Avast, we are here!

Calm down now, lads. Calm down, fellas. Chorus coming up. Here we go.

Rigging in the rigging.

Rigging in the rigging.

Rigging in the rigging.

Rigging in the rigging, Captain.

Sir, I thought it was the post. Not now, Master Roger.

Look out, Captain. Chorus coming up again. Rigging in the rigging.

Good morning, Roger.

What have you got there, young lad?

Oh, it's a girly magazine, sir.

A girly magazine?

Yes, it blew over the edge of the boat, sir.

I couldn't have a quicker guess. It's called Susie, for today's girl.

Oh, that's a girly magazine.

Good, is it?

Interesting problem, Paige.

Dear Susie, I'm 14 years old and have an enormous set of bosoms.

There's not very much of a problem there, Rog.

It's a very young lad called Duncan, sir. He lives in the Cheshire area.

Well, I mean... They've also got a special feature called Hunk of the

Have they?

And who is it this month?

Lord Horatio Nelson, sir.

It says here that the dashing admiral with his blonde hair, bronze physique

steely grey eyes is one of the Navy's most dreamy commander -in -chiefs. Does

he? Yes.

And they've even run an interview on him called Fetis on Nelson.

In it, he explains that his favourite meal is steak.

His favourite colour is mauve, and his hobbies include dancing, meeting people

and, oh, killing pirates.

My personal ambition is to be more thoughtful, says the striking six

from his awesome battleship, the Victory.

Sounds like a right wanker.

And my professional ambition is to enslave the whole of France.

Well, he can't be that bad, then.

I spend most of my days expanding the British Empire, he interns with a deep,

raunchy drawl. Then, flashing his dazzling smile, he adds, but that still

me time to dip my wick.

Oh, typical public school boy. Probably rubbish in bed.

Morning, Captain. Master Roger.

Morning, Bogson.

Jesus, what a tremendous parrot.

Where? There on your shoulder. Is he yours? Oh.

Oh, this one.

I had him for years.

Does he say anything?

This old bird? No, doesn't say a blasted thing. Outless at speech, it is.

Really? Aye, squawks a load of mumbo -jumbo.

A equals MC squared.

A equals MC squared.

See what I mean?

Thick as shit.

Comes out with the biggest load of garbled nonsense you've ever heard.

America will one day put a man on the moon.

Don't go on.

Doesn't know his arse from his elbow.

Look here, sir.

Free with this issue. The birth part of a build -your -own -Nelson modelling

kit. Week by week, it develops into a full life -size naval hero. This week,

part one.

The buttocks.

Slappy old pair of cheeks he's got there, Roger.

No, Captain, it's a compact little bottom.

What is it about this Nelson, anyway? If he came on this boat with all this...

concierge and graces, I'd soon show him who's boss. Aye, woulda that.

Morning, Cliff.

Morning, Captain.

Looking out to sea as usual.

Hmm.

Anything interesting out there these days? Orombic cloud drifting in from the

right. Good Lord.

Anything else? A couple of arctic terns winging around.

It's not like them to be so playful.

I never.

Apart from that, very little, I suspect.

Hmm. Hmm.

Apart from the British fleet, that is.

What? Yes, they're over there in those inordinately large ships with all the

cannons, Captain.

Oh, shit!

Imagine us in ship, the victory.

Hurrah!

They appear to be sending up a message by flag, Captain. What does this say,

Cliff?

England expects every man to do his... Hair.

Are you sorry about it, Cliff? Actually, Captain, that isn't hair, that's duty.

They're both quite similar in flag.

England expects every man to do his duty. It's a bit cryptic, isn't it?

I think they're putting up another flag.

Fresh English sailors needed for forthcoming battle.

Request permission to come aboard. Tell them to piss off, Cliff.

I don't think we have the appropriate flag, Captain. I think you threw them

away. Yeah, but I'm sure we've got one or two left.

There's this one here, sir. It says, hello, we're all pirates.

Probably a good one.

No, there's something on the other side, Captain.

I love Tony.

Damn. All right, lads, this calls for action stations. Quick!

Everybody hide!

Couldn't we be standing up and fighting, Captain? No, Bosun. I bet Nelson

wouldn't run away and hide like this, sir. Hiding is sometimes the best form

attack, Roger. Captain, I put the Mary's Deluxe sign up as equipment. Good,

Cliff. Now let's try and make it look like the wall disappeared mysteriously

-like. Captain, don't you think it's a bit strange that two boats called the

Mary's Deluxe should both be found deserted in the space of a couple of

Not necessarily, Cliff.

I'm only trying to fool the Navy.

It doesn't have to look that good.

Captain, I put some glasses of wine on the table and scattered about some

dips. Well done, Adele. And at the side of the room, I put some cashews, some

volvos, some samosas and mint sauce.

Yeah, all right, Adele. It would look like we were taken up in the middle of a

cheese and wine.

Yeah, well done, Adele.

Now, what I'll do is I'll leave this spooky note on the table, then we can

hide. Where are you going, Bolton? The wardrobe, Captain. No, no, the

mine. There's plenty of room under the bed, Captain. Booger off. That's the

first place they'll look. Oh, yes, under the bed is an excellent hiding place. I

used to hide all sorts of magazines down there and my mother never ever found

them. Yeah, you wish, Rog. Captain, I think I can hear some voices.

OK, quick, lads, hide under the bed. We'll drop mine.

Oh, shit.

I think I'm getting the hang of it now, sir.

I said, ship ahoy.

Doesn't appear to be anybody on board.

Oh,

God, a deal.

Hello. Any idea where the rest of them went?

I don't know, Captain. I wasn't looking.

What's that soft, squidgy thing between my fingers?

I don't know.

My earlobe.

Christ, Bolson. Aye, aye, Captain.

Do you mind moving around a bit? I'm getting terrible pins and needles. No

problem, Captain.

Oi, what's that cutlass? Sorry, sir.

Roger.

Hello, sir.

How many people have you got in here?

I know me wardrobe was this big and taking the doors off and used it as a

For Christ's sake, Bolson.

Actually, it was I, Captain.

Well, that's all of us then. But this Nelson worries up. Bad dose of

and this wardrobe will turn into a death trap.

Ship's strangely deserted, sir.

In here.

Looks like they're in the middle of some sort of get -together.

Like a type of dinner party, you mean? Not a dinner party, no. Something more

casual. What? A drinks party?

Kind of, but more informal.

A cheese and wine?

Exactly.

And for some reason, They were rudely interrupted.

Follow me, Hardy.

Something very suspicious is happening on board this ship, Hardy, and I intend

to get to the bottom of it. That's him, sir. That's Nelson.

Why don't you keep your voice down?

He's a good -looking man, isn't he, for his age?

He's got an incredible uniform, Captain.

The bloody Admiral, Cliff. What do you expect?

But if I put on my old Navy uniform, I'd look just as handsome.

I doubt it, Captain. He's got beautiful wavy hair.

Bloody Pam! Makes you proud to be English just looking at you. Oh, shut

face, Roger, and pass me that jacket.

I'll show you what a difference a uniform can make.

Over here, sir.

There's a note.

Leave this ship to bob around till finally she runs aground.

For cursed she is and will always stay, so leave her here and run away.

It's weird, isn't it, sir?

Like some strange demon has taken the crew and cast a hex upon the ship. You

could be right, Hardy. For your plans, sir.

Like this is a floating memorial to the darker side of the gods.

Tis worse than a tree, Captain.

And that we ought to leave at once, lest we are touched by this satanic being.

There is, of course, another explanation.

What's that, sir? Well, that this whole thing is a deliberate set -up.

Oh, bollocks.

A what, sir? A set -out man. This is no spooky mystery. This is the work of the

French. The French, sir? Oh, yes.

I imagine they crept in here and murdered our men in their beds.

How do you know that, sir? Call it a hunch, call it intuition, call it a

sense, call it a wild guess, sir. Call it what you like, Hardy, but when you've

been at sea as long as I have, you develop a nose for these things.

Look,

sir. A parrot.

My own... My mind is like a tuning fork, picking up vibrations in the ether.

Like the ancient Buddhist monks, I can inwardly sense my enemy's presence.

Pirates in the wardrobe!

And wherever danger lurks, my mental antennae guide me like a psychic

rod. In the wardrobe behind you!

This power has taught me to single out my foe and crush them with the

overwhelming force of a lightning.

Come along, Hardy. We must return to the victory. This calls for one of those

really big sea battles with the French.

Silly bloody Nelson.

Anyway, this Nelson's thick as shit.

Captain, watch the left.

Oh, my word! Who the devil are you?

The name's Bluff, sir. Royal Navy.

We were attacked by the French. Oh, my God, he's one of ours. He's seriously

wounded, Hardy. Keep fighting, man. Hold on for king and country. Sir, it's all

right.

I think he just died, sir.

Oh, those blasted French. They're really asking for war this time, Hardy. Yes,

indeed, sir.

What should I do with his body? Oh, just put it in a bag and throw it overboard.

Okey -dokey.

Actually,

he's not quite dead yet, sir.

In fact, he appears to be recovering nicely.

In fact, he's perfectly all right.

My God, man, are you OK?

Yes, sir. Fortunately, the blade nipped underneath the armpit. Oh, wind at me,

partner. What happened to the rest of your crew?

Dead, sir. All dead. Killed by the blasted freight. What did I tell you,

Now, now, sit yourself down, man. I want to hear everything that happened from

start to finish.

Anyway, the rest of my men, they hacked the bits around me. The boat was awash

with blood when suddenly another three hundred of them came pouring over the

side.

Naturally, I managed to fend most of them off with my tremendous swordplay,

eventually they caught me in a traditional backs -against -the -walls

phenomenon.

Excellent effort.

Magnificent, Bluff. Thank you, sir. You see this man, Hardy?

He's got balls.

Big balls with plenty of spunk.

I'm amazed that I've never met you before, Bluff. How did you get to be

of this ship?

Well, sir, I started at the bottom and worked my way up.

Surely, to be captain of a vessel like this, you've got to study at a military

academy for at least three years.

Have you?

Oh, yeah.

I did my three years in the military, obviously.

And where did you study, ma 'am?

Um... What was it called again?

Was it Greenwich, sir? That was it, Greenwich. What a place.

And what year did you pass out? Well, every year. You know, students.

Fabulous. No, seriously, what year did you graduate?

Must have been 83.

You must have been in Wellington's year then. Must I?

Oh, yes, I was.

It's funny, you know, I don't remember him mentioning you. Ah, well, you know

old smelly Welly. He likes to keep himself to himself.

Wellington's a hugely entertaining fellow. He loves to tell stories and

quips. Does he? Yes.

I always found him embarrassingly shy. No, nonsense.

You know, I even have a picture of him here somewhere. Yes, look. Now, this is

Wellington the year that he passed out of the Greenwich Military Academy. Now,

shouldn't you be in that picture somewhere? Should I? Hmm.

Oh, yeah, yeah, of course.

That's me, top right -hand corner.

It's amazing how we change with time, isn't it?

That's Mrs Goodenough, the college registrar.

Right, I haven't changed that much.

No, no, I remember now.

I'm not in the picture.

No, I left my class early. Couldn't wait to get to see. Ah, magnificent sport.

Quite a character, eh, Harvey?

Yes, sir.

Oh, oh, oh.

Cutting up a bit choppy outside, eh, Bluff? Yes, sir. I think we're

a cliff.

Approaching a cliff?

What are you talking about, man? We're miles from there. I'm sorry, sir. It

have been that big bubble with the French. Must have received a blow to the

head. A blow to the head? I imagine you're shouting like a madman. I'm

sir. I'll be all right in a minute.

Bluff needs a good stiff Roger.

Sorry, sir.

Don't know what came over me.

Excuse me, Cub. You don't mind if I use the toilet, do you? No, no, no. You go

ahead, honey. Thank you, sir. Hang on a minute.

When you go to the toilet... Yeah?

When you go to the toilet... What?

Don't forget to shut the door!

I'm sure you're feeling all right. You're acting very strangely. I'm sorry.

Please, sir, I've just lost a hell of a lot of men.

I'm not feeling my usable self. Oh, yes, of course, I understand.

First time I was attacked, it took me, oh, hours to get over the loss of my

entire crew.

Now, I say we get you back to England, kit you up with a completely fresh team,

and set you off to get back at the French.

Don't you think it's a bit soon after the last battle, sir? Oh, nonsense, man.

When the horse bucks you off, you've got to get straight back on. Now, I've got

a major sea battle lined up for Thursday week. What say we put you in the frame

for that?

I think I'm booked up next Thursday, sir.

What about the Friday? I think I've got a luncheon appointment.

Oh, let's make it the weekend.

That's Mother's Day, isn't it? You see, you and I... You and I will take on the

French and win. Me at the head of the fleet and you tucked in behind as my

admiral. Christ!

Then, once we've sorted out the French, we'll have a crack at the Poles. Yes,

and the Czechs, and then the Benelux countries.

Next, we'll annex the Sudetenland and march on Stalingrad.

By this time next year, we'll have the whole of Europe in our pockets.

Now, I'll just get in touch with the Victory, and then when Hardy returns,

three of us can set off for battle.

By the way, Bluff, very, very beautiful wardrobe you've got here.

Very nice beveling.

Thank you, sir.

What? Let me back in. Go away.

Catch me.

Let me back in. No, it's very small. Not enough room.

I was in there before. Let me in before Nelson gets back. You seem to be getting

on quite well, Captain. Why don't you stay out there?

What do you mean, getting on well? The man's a bloody psychopath!

Let me in!

Could you get his autograph while you're out there, sir? No, I can't!

Go on, sir, get him to write you Roger, my best mate, on this.

Look, you little tit!

Let me in before I... Oh, bullet!

All right, then, mate?

Ah, hardy.

Yeah, just been up to the toilet.

Good, find it all right with you? Yeah, just up the stairs.

So, what were you doing, talking to that wardrobe?

Well, me?

No, just muttering out loud, mate. Looked like you were talking to someone

hiding inside it. Nah, nah, talking to the wardrobe herself.

Always have done.

Mum said to me, son, she said, if you ever got a problem, tell it to the

wardrobe. A wardrobe can be your best friend.

She said that, did she? Yeah, mad as a hatter she was.

Left me down, run off to the bedside cabinet.

So, must be, um...

Great work from someone like Nelson.

Yeah, he's all right.

All right?

He's one of the finest military leaders this country's ever had.

Yeah, well, he talks a good match.

What do you mean? He's been in hundreds of battles.

Not so you'd notice, mate. As soon as things start up, he's off.

Really? Yeah, typical public schoolboy.

Always shit themselves when the action hots up.

I've never guessed.

Could be worse, I suppose.

I worked for Wellington for a couple of months. Right old chicken he was. No.

Iron side.

More like wet leg.

No! He only wore those watertight boots to stop him from soiling the

battlefield.

Anyway, I'm thinking of jacking this game in at the end of the year.

All right.

What are you going to do then, then? I'm going to start up a shoe shop with me

mates, Willis and Freeman.

Freeman, Hardy and Willis, we're going to call it.

It might work.

Yeah, yeah.

Tell you what, you've got to watch your overheads when you start my new

business. Bad cuss flow, fair shit.

Yeah, don't I know it.

Anyway, what's that big strapping fella doing in your wardrobe?

I didn't see anyone.

Hey, a lot of you navy blokes fantasise about a big strapping bloke in their

wardrobes, don't they?

No, I saw him. He was right there.

Leave me out of your pervy dreams, mate.

Here, out of the way. No, it's all right. I'll show you.

Look behind you, mate. Thank you.

Oh, nice one, sir. Very well done. Thanks, Roger. Let's get him in the row

Bob, we've got two minutes to get rid of that Nelson before we're all in big

trouble. I know how to get rid of him, Captain.

Kill him. We can't kill him, Bob. The fleet is over there.

What are we going to say when they ask for him back?

He's just popped off the shops.

Captain, what are we going to do?

Captain, I don't think this is very convincing.

Oh, shut up, Adam. Put your berry on. Who wants these?

Give me the potion. Where do I put it?

Ah, Captain, don't fiddle with your corny.

Here we are, sir. Oh, my God.

Did you just feel the lily? Captain, I think we're ready. All right, lads. Now,

remember, we're supposed to be Frenchies. What do we say all the time?

booze, sir? No, it's a bit like that, Ron, but with more continental flair.

going to be bleh.

Raise your arms. It's a bit like a cross between I give up and what you're

talking about.

Blah, blah, blah.

No, you talk like you're trying to frighten someone. Get it in the back of

throat, lad.

Thank heavens for little girls.

Now, look, Rossbeth.

We are in charge around here from now on, so you speak for me in French.

None of this English bullshit.

Maintenant, Anglaise, vous écoutez, répétez, hein?

Yes, of course. I mean, oui, monsieur.

Très bon.

Je suis?

Je suis en merde.

Oh, je suis en merde. Qui habite?

Qui habite?

Dans le jardin avec Jean -Paul et Marie -Claude.

Jean -Paul and Marie -Claude. Ah, très jolie.

You English, you're crap, yes?

Yes, yes, we're crap. You're so lousy at sex.

And you've got luck, you're ashencore.

Yes, we're terrible at it. We're not very good at fighting. Good.

And who's the best at rugby?

We are, the English.

You French. Oh, why?

Because, because... Why, monsieur?

Because you know how to throw it about.

That's right.

Release the ball to the backs and let them run with it. Now you bugger off

to your sheep with your little mate, Ardy.

And you no mention a word about this to anyone.

Yes, yes, I understand. Yes, I've never seen any of you before. I don't know who

you are.

Treasure Lee, you English, you're all talking no fresh...

Oh, come on now, sir. I'm sure it's not that bad.

They hurt my wrist.

That's a Chinese bird, sir.

Pop it inside your jacket there.

Pop on this eye patch.

That's not so bad now, is it?

I think I'm dying, Hardy. No, you're not, sir.

Cheer up now. Come on.

Hardy, Hardy.

What is it, sir?

Kiss me, Hardy.

On the lips.

Long now, sir. There's no need for that now.

We'll be back at the Victory soon.

Lemon tart for tea.

Your favourite.

Well, I don't suppose old Nelson was everything he was cracked up to be, eh,

sir? No, Roger, I don't suppose he was.

But I suppose he'll still be remembered as a great naval hero.

Yeah, I shouldn't wonder.

One day they might even build a statue of him, you know.

They might just do that, Roger.

Put it on top of a column in a large square in the middle of London.

Every New Year's Eve, a bunch of absolute pissheads... All right, Roger,

a rest.

You captain, I'm...

When are we going to have dinner? So am I. I fancy a nice big Sunday roast.

Yeah? Yeah.

All right, who's going to pluck?

Ow, bollocks.

Cashed off!