Original subtitles

All right, calm down now, lads. Calm down, fellas. Chorus coming up. Here we

Rigging in the rigging.

Rigging in the rigging.

Rigging in the rigging. Rigging in the rigging.

Rigging in the rigging.

Rigging in the rigging.

Rigging in the rigging. Rigging in the rigging. Rigging in the rigging. Rigging

in the rigging.

Rigging in the rigging. Rigging in the rigging. Rigging in the rigging.

Rigging in the rigging. Oh,

bollocks.

I'll cut out the gizzard and string it to the main brace.

We'd better have stood before him in velvet loom pants.

Sound like he had you trapped, Captain. Like a rabbit in a snare, I'd...

Your tongue cuts quick, sir, I replied.

It is a shame your sword doth not.

And I fixed my eyes upon him, and with a hearty laugh I added, Tis I, Captain

Butler of the High Seas, the most infamous pirate ever to steal a lady's

or a gentleman's purse.

And once with move I drew my trusty sabre from its scabbard and made a clean

swipe at its throat.

Blade?

severed his windpipe and he dropped to his knees like a felled oak.

Nice one, Cap. I turned to make my escape when 85 Spanish pirates blared

the door, flailing pipes above their heads. Most disconcerting, Captain.

right. Within the blink of an eye, I leapt upon a table and dispatched two of

them. So, ha, ha!

And in reaching up, I took a loose rug that hung from the ceiling and swung

them. Shazam!

Eight more lay dead.

I reached the door, pushed it open, and along the corridor stood another two or

three hundred Spanish guards.

Yes, Captain. And then?

Yes, Captain. And then? Yes, Captain.

And then suddenly I was five years old.

A puppet, a little puppet, was chasing me.

And then I woke up.

It was a bloody weird dream.

All right, lads. Anyone for drafts?

Captain, we've been at sea now for six months.

Oh, well.

done no pirating yet. Oh, it's not like in the books, Bosun.

These things take time, preparation.

Can't just go rushing into them.

Blackbeard does.

Blackbeard? Blackbeard's a showman. In 200 years' time, who's going to have

heard of Blackbeard? He knocked off 66 last year, Captain.

Well, he's on a bit of a run at the moment. He's the richest man in Devon.

is in everything.

Oh, yes, it is.

All right, all right. And twas your idea to mutiny in the first place, Captain.

Yeah, but I didn't mean there and then.

I was just expressing an opinion, opening up a debate, sharing an idea.

Oh, look, I was pissed, OK?

I was happy in the Navy. At least we knew where we were then. You used to

the bloody Navy, Art.

You were press -ganged in the first place.

By him.

Aye, that'd be true.

You boys got short memories. Cliff, two years ago, you were in the hold of a

Spanish slave ship, getting taken from the West Indies to the New World. That

ship went down, and so would you if we hadn't have turned up. Captain, that

only went down because Blackbeard sunk it, though.

Right, all right. I'm just saying life's not so bad.

We don't have to go around sinking ships all day just to prove we're good at

being pirates, now do we?

I suppose not.

Stop the moaning and groaning and get on with the business of being... Captain

Butler!

Captain Butler!

Captain, there's a small boy in a rowing boat.

Hello there, chaps. The name's Roger.

Lord Roger of Crumsby.

Let's... Kill him! Hang on a minute, Poulsen. Lovely day for seafaring, eh,

fellows?

Now, which one of you chaps is Captain Butler?

Oh, give it away, I would.

Pleasure to meet you, sir.

I've heard an awful lot about you and your salty semen. All right, lad, keep

down.

Daring buccaneers, bravely sailing the seven seas and fighting the good fight.

Oh, them?

Yeah. I'd like to join your crew, if I may, sir.

Ooh.

It's not as easy as that, young lad.

It's only sailing before. Can you navigate?

Richard, take the helm.

Paddle? What do you like on the basics, Roger?

I'm all right with the basics, sir.

Do you know your port from your starboard? It's Stilton, sir.

Port from your Stilton.

Yeah, well, we're a bit full up at the moment, actually, Roger.

Oh, please take me on board, sir.

I'll give everything I have to offer.

Time, dedication, time.

Anything else?

And these hundred gold sovereigns from my trust fund.

Good to have you on the team, Roger. Throw stuff in the hole, lad.

A hundred gold star, wouldn't you say? Yes. Time for a spot for lunch. Up to

you, lad.

All right, give it a rest, will you, lad?

Sorry, Captain.

It was a little bit stereotypical, wasn't it?

OK, four gentlemen.

Poppadum, poppadum.

Poppadum, poppadum.

All right.

We'll have three poppadums. Any naan bread, sir? Can I share a persuader?

Could you tell me a little bit more about the prawn jalfrezi?

Is that right, or does it come with a thought?

Oh, look, let's just stop farting about, fellas. We'll have three chicken tikka

masalas and a jiggle of cold water.

So, what do we plan to do after this, sir?

Well, after this?

Well, Cliff, you can clear, Bolton, watch, I'll try, and Roger, you can

I was talking more in terms of piracy, sir.

Ah.

I haven't got any of the agents in mind.

It's just that...

My father is a name at Lloyd's of London. And before I left home, he told

about this special Spanish boat.

Special Spanish boat? Yes.

It's heading due west about three days' sail from here with a cargo of South

American slaves.

South American slaves? Yes.

And absolutely laden with Inca gold.

Inca gold?

By my calculations, we should be able to intercept them... Right here, sir.

Right.

What do you make of this, Cliff?

You know my opinion well, Captain.

I'm no stranger to slavery.

I was taken from Africa and transported in the hold of a mighty Spanish galleon

and held in many slave camps along the West Indies. For months I lived in total

darkness with nothing, nothing to eat but sawdust and strips of cloth.

I survived where many others didn't and I vowed that one day I would repay that

debt.

Thank you. They are bought, but on the plus side, they do turn out a very

passable bottle of Rioja. Indeed they do, sir.

The Bunda Pazul is a very reasonably priced red, with a full body and a

nose.

How many Spanish slave ships?

How heavily armed are they? Nothing that we couldn't cope with, sir.

It's what I like to hear. 50 cannons, 200 crack troops, and enough ammunition

blow the entire British fleet out of the water. It should be a sink.

Let's take them to the broadside and shiver their timbers.

I don't know if we'll be able to get that close, actually, Booty. Well, for

months I've studied the Spanish invaders, and they have stripped the

American people of their wealth, pride, and culture. They have raped their

wives, murdered their children, and taken their riches as booty.

Everyone gets a bit fresh even when they go on holiday, Cliff. Come on, sir.

Let's teach those Spaniards a lesson. Let's put up a fight for freedom and

justice. Let's kick them in the doughnuts.

Let's break their noggin.

Why don't we book it off to Southport for the weekend instead?

No!

Oh, bollocks.

Captain's log, 4th of May.

The men are set on a course of suicide.

In two days' time, I'll be tied to a Spanish mass with me gizzard cut out.

I don't even know what a gizzard is.

Perhaps it's that saggy, fleshy bit that runs down between.

No, it wouldn't be that.

I'd probably hope not.

Options. One.

Return to England.

Can't. Hang drawn and quartered.

Two, mutiny.

Can't, already captain.

Three, swim.

Can't swim.

Four, come up with brilliant scheme.

It'll have to be that one, then.

Hello there, sir.

Morning, Roger. I've just been talking to the bosun, sir. He suggested I change

my name.

Did he?

Any reason in particular?

Made me sound more piratey, I think.

Lord Roger of Crumsby sounds a bit snotty, sir.

I suppose it does.

Have you thought about shortening it? What? To Roger?

Yeah, or maybe Rog. I was hoping for something like red beard, sir.

That's actually been taken, that one, Rog. How about big beard, then? I bet

that's still free.

Possibly. Have you thought about dropping the beard concept altogether?

Oh, you've got to have beard in it, sir.

There's hardly any point otherwise.

Right. What about no beard, then?

That's the kind of thing, sir.

No beard.

Well, there you go, then. Thank you very much, sir. Pleasure, lad.

Morning, Bosun. How's it going? We're cutting up a bit slow, Captain. We're

losing time.

Really? It is all the excess baggage we're carrying.

Perhaps we should throw young Roger overboard.

Don't tempt me, Bosun.

What about them lifeboats, then? They're slowing us down.

The lifeboats, of course.

Well, stick at it, folksy.

Oh, cheers, lads.

I'll drop you a line from Tahiti.

Into the lifeboat you go.

Bollocks. Who goes there?

Oh, Cliff, only me. Only me.

Captain, just thought we'd take a stroll along the deck.

Make sure everything's in order.

Tell you what, it's a lovely night.

We're running well on time, sir. Good, good.

We seem to have picked up speed since the boatsmen cut away the lifeboats.

Good old boatsmen.

Always thinking.

We'll be there in a day and a half now, sir.

Hey, it's wonderful, isn't it, the sky at night?

No finer sight at sea.

You'd never guess there were so many stars up there, would you?

Runecliffe? Certainly is, Captain.

Do you ever wonder about death, Cliff?

Death, Captain?

No. Death is just another word to me like marmoset.

Good point, good point.

Do you ever wonder what it'd feel like to have your legs severed below the

Leg severage, Captain? Yeah.

Or to have a lump of shrapnel carve its way up through the small of your back.

Back shrapnel, Captain? Yeah, or to have a giant spanget hacking away at your

genitals. Genital hacking, Captain.

No. Can't say it's ever occurred to me, sir.

Oh. But, of course, I do think about pain.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, yes.

Aboard that Spanish galleon.

The slavers would climb down into the hold where we lay, bound and gagged,

and hungry, and they would stand before us, eating huge joints of freshly

roasted lamb with... mint.

Minty sauce.

Did I ever tell you about the time, Captain?

Captain?

Captain's log, May 5.

Final entry.

I'm completely buggered. All I can do now is pack me bags and wait for a

miracle.

Ah, dear old Tranmere, my hometown.

Barn dance every Friday night.

Pints of fluff it's all ridiculous in the hedge in Walnut.

Cricket on the village green.

Boring little place, really.

I wouldn't mind being back there now.

My very first yo -yo.

Those were the days. Yo -yos and spinning tops, long shorts and ringworm.

Never really got the knack of it.

My favourite garden hoe.

Long summer afternoons spent digging and weeding, weeding and digging.

So that's all I amounted to in the end.

A yo -yo hoe and a bottle of rum.

that I forget.

My old Spanish Admiral's costume.

Remember that fancy dress ball in Hoy Lake?

I've fooled them all.

I've fooled them all.

¿Qué pasa, Bungo?

What is it, Bungo?

A ship.

Ah, es un hombre en un traje de época.

It's a man in a fancy dress costume.

No, Captain.

It's a top Spanish admiral.

Ah, es un almirante español, ¿no?

Oh, it's a top Spanish admiral, is it?

Well,

why has he got such a poxy ship, then?

What do you think I am?

Some kind of know -it -all?

I think he's seen us. Get down.

Kind shit, Captain.

She certainly is. She's got enough firepower to blow us out the water.

aware of that.

If it was to know we were pirates, we wouldn't last a second. I know that,

Bolton. Boom!

We'd sink to the bottom like a stone.

Glug, glug, glug, glug, glug. We'd be fighting each other like drowning rats.

Look, will you shut up?

All right, lads, he's inviting us aboard. But remember, we're supposed to

Spaniards.

Caramba.

It's French, you knob.

Welcome aboard my ship, Admiral.

Por favor, amigo.

We kiss each other in a traditional way, no?

Actually, I'm not too keen on kissing.

Come on, don't be shy.

We Spanish, we love this kind of stuff, no? Not on the lips.

No tongue.

That was good for me.

Amigo, amigo.

I brought you some special gifts from Spain, yes?

A crying woman and some kind of donkey.

Thank you very much. That's very kind.

Deal with this, Bungo.

To what do we owe the pleasure of your distinguished company, Admiral?

The dirty English pigs.

They sink in my ship and run away. I am left to drown like dog.

Look for me, I swim like eel and I'm fish from sea like gudgeon. These

they make me spit.

Yes, I hear they're very ruthless people.

Bongo here had his tongue cut out by English pirates. He doesn't like them at

all. Then you're my brother, no? We spit together, amigo.

Unfortunately, he cannot spit.

He has no tongue.

No tongue?

Then we dribble together instead, no?

Well, would you like to join us for dinner, Don... Don... Don... Don

life, for tomorrow we may die, no?

Come along, Bongo.

Ah, sangria, sangria.

Let us get drunk and talk about women, no?

Hey, boy, when you get older, you transport many slaves, yes?

Actually, he wants to become a dentist.

A dentist?

Well,

he's to set your job.

To the king of Spain.

King Philip.

I hate you.

Now remember, this time we don't want to sink their ship until the captain and

all the slaves are off. Clifton, Clifton, do you like my boarding outfit?

It's very nice, Master Roger. Now look, lads, let's hum to cover us.

Your men are in good heart tonight, Don Johnson.

Well, they like a bit of a sing -song, you know.

Your men are very quiet, much like the mouse.

Yes, well, there aren't that very many of them.

Ah, senor.

Your sense of humor is much like the frog.

It leaps from the hand when you least expect it.

No, really. We only have a small group of men. We can't afford a massive crew.

Yeah, but when you sell the gold and the slaves, you'll be very rich, no?

We have no gold or slaves.

We're a small family business. We export fine wines and sherries. You mean to

say you are not returning from South America with lots of lolly and a load of

slaves? Good heavens, no. In fact, my wife and I are founder members of the

Spanish Emancipation for Slaves Society.

We are actually on our way to the paradise island of Tahiti with a cargo

,000 bottles of Rioja.

I think we'd better be retiring to bed, Don Johnson. Ah!

Congratulations, senor.

You have passed my test.

I am not, in fact, a Spanish admiral.

I am senor Cervantes, the right -hand Spanish author of Don Quixote. I have

the Spanish authorities in fear of my life.

Senor Cervantes, this is a great honor. I've read all your novels.

Thank you very much.

I was planning on getting away from the action for a while and going to a

distant island where the women go around with their breasts out.

Then you must travel with us, signor. I insist upon it.

Well, in that case, I'd best tell you the lot to clear off.

I won't be a second.

So long.

Stay down.

This must be it, Master. Watch this one, Clifton. What?

Spike.

Good Master Roger, but... Shh!

Keep your noise down!

Help me with this.

Shh!

Brothers, you are free!

Clasp off your chains!

Together we can live as equal people in a fair and just society!

We... Captain?

Captain! You bravely escaped!

Yeah, but only for a second. I've got to go back in a minute. Captain, we're

just about to free the brothers, Captain.

Sadly, there are no brothers, Cliff. What? None at all. Not even a half

-brother.

A professional gunrunner's on the way to Iraq.

Your best bet would be to run away as soon as possible. Come on, sir.

Let's all fight our way out of here. Oh, I'd best stay put.

If they find out we're pirates, they'll be bloody annoyed.

But, Captain, we've got... No!

What, Cliff?

I'd best stay here and fend them off.

Good luck, sir.

Goodbye, sir.

Look after yourself, Roger. Remember, tell the lads not to saw any holes in

side of the boat. The whole thing will go up.

The captain certainly is a brave man, isn't he, Cliff? He's a fine man, Roger.

Fair, true, just, excuse me, righteous.

Cheers.

Anyway, let's be getting back to the boat. Come.

Well,

I don't know where he is.

Oh,

there he is.

I've just cut a little memento from the side of the boat to make a lovely

coffee.

I think I know what the captain would say at a time like this.

Bollocks.

Señor Cervantes, the jousting competition from Don Quixote was truly

Please,

retell the story for my son. He will adore it.

That's no big deal, son. He gets on the horse, he does some jousting, he gets

back off the horse.

You are too modest, señor. Tell him what happens in the end.

At the end of the book?

I don't want to give too much away, son. Suffice to say, he gets the girl, kills

the baddie, becomes sheriff.

You have a wonderful sense of humour, senor.

Sort me out a decent cabin and I'll slip your wife some private tutorials.

You would be most grateful.

I propose a toast.

A toast to literature.

To literature.

A toast to beauty.

Nothing wrong with a bit of beauty.

A toast to the poetry of Senor Cervantes.

Oh, what now?

I don't know what's wrong with my brother tonight, but I am busting for a

Of course.

Even famous authors must point Pedro at the porcelain, eh?

I will be laughing.

Captain, the ship's been hauled. She's going down.

Oh, shit.

You better get out of here, then.

Hey,

stay back, mate!

I mean, if these donkeys are deadly, they might look like a nice fluffy gift

with a bloody lethal.

You can have someone's eye out with this.

I think you did a smashing job last night, sir.

Thank you, pardon? You single -handedly took on a shipload of deadly bandits.

All in a day's work. You secured the safe passage for your crew at great

personal risk to yourself.

You're doing me a job. And successfully sank a Spanish ship, killing everyone on

board. Now, that wasn't my fault.

Congratulations, sir.

You'll be remembered as the bravest pirate ever to sail the seven seas.

Don't go on about it, Rog. Take the helm, lad.

Gosh. Thank you, sir.

Ah, well.

An innocent wine merchant and his entire family drowned.

Bloody awful, really.

At least you'll manage to salvage a few crates of roo -yock, eh?

Mmm, not bad.

Not bad at all.

Mmm.

No está mal.

No está nada de mal.

Cast off.