Original subtitles

♪ Boy, the way Glenn Miller played

♪ Songs that made the hit parade

♪ Guys like us, we had it made

♪ Those were the days

♪ And you knew where you were then

♪ Girls were girls and men were men

BOTH: ♪ Mister, we could use a man

♪ Like Herbert Hoover again

♪ Didn't need no welfare state

♪ Everybody pulled his weight

BOTH: ♪ Gee, our old LaSalle ran great

♪ Those were the days ♪

Honey, aren't you ready yet?

Soon.

Preparing this mother's milk is a lot of trouble.

Maybe I ought to start him on baby's formula.

(IMITATING GROUCHO MARX) There's only one formula that'll make a baby

and if you play your cards right, I'll refresh your memory.

I can't believe we're finally going out. Yeah.

After three weeks of taking care of Joey,

everything looks like a diaper to me.

Yeah, me, too.

You know, I can't put my shorts on unless I'm lyin' down.

(LAUGHING)

You know what's so nice?

I can finally put my arms around you again.

You know, for the last few months,

I felt like we were kissin' over a beach ball.

But you always told me I looked beautiful when I was pregnant.

You were. You were gorgeous.

You... You had a-an inner glow, a radiance.

I was fat and clumsy.

That, too.

(GROANS)

But tonight, tonight I am taking you away

from the joys of motherhood.

Honey? What?

Isn't it wonderful?

Three whole hours with no one throwing up on my shoulder.

Aw, look at him, honey.

Hello, sweetheart.

Hiya, Joey.

Aw, isn't he beautiful?

Yeah.

Aw, he's the spitting image of his father.

Yeah, you mean a drooling image of his father.

There you go.

Hi, little honey.

You know, when I look at him like this though, he really looks more like me.

Yeah? Well, look, he's got my eyelashes.

He's got my nose, my chin, my neck.

Keep goin'. You'll get to me soon.

Your stomach.

Go to sleep, sweetheart.

He's yawnin'. Yeah.

Good night, Joey.

Look at that. He went right to sleep.

Are they supposed to do that?

Yeah, it's okay, honey. Oh.

Hey, you want anything from Ferguson's for the baby?

Huh? What? Shh!

Daddy. Be quiet. The baby's sleeping.

I didn't know that. Let me look.

Hey, he looks like he's chewin' in there.

You know, when he's chewin', he reminds me of you, Meathead.

Hey, listen, I'm sorry I can't oblige your babysittin' tonight, little girl.

But you know about the poker game over at my house, huh?

That's all right, Daddy. We have a very experienced babysitter coming over.

She's one of Michael's brightest students.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

You're gonna leave that baby alone here with a total stranger?

Arch, the kid is three weeks old.

He hasn't made many friends yet.

What the hell kind of a father... Shh!

(WHISPERING) What the hell kind of a father are you?

When Gloria was a baby, I never left her alone.

Wherever I went, I made sure that Edith stayed with her.

Daddy, if you're so worried, then cancel your poker game,

and you sit with your grandson.

I can't do that, little girl. The game is all set up.

Jeez, it's your mother's fault.

She had no business goin' out of town at a time like this

with a three-week old baby lying there in the bassinoot.

Daddy, she had to go.

Her Aunt Louise is 88 years old and she's very sick.

She could die any minute.

Aw, that old bag has been dyin' any minute for 30 years.

She's gonna bury the whole bunch of us.

The only way she's gonna croak is if somebody shoves her off a cliff.

Ah! Oh, hi, there, Kelsey.

Yeah, Archie here.

Yeah, the card game's set for tonight only Stretch can't come.

You got somebody to fill in for him?

Willie Johnson, your neighbor? Yeah.

Oh, he's a colored guy.

Oh, well, uh... Goodbye, Willie.

Cut that out! That hurt.

No, it's the daughter here foolin' around.

No, no, no, I ain't got nothin' against them people.

You know that.

Listen, I'm talking on the phone to you

from a house that used to be colored.

No, no, no, bring the guy along. Glad to have him.

See you at 8:00. Bye.

Hey, Gloria? Hmm?

We'd better hurry up. We're gonna miss the show. Oh.

Hey, Arch, do me a favor, will you?

Stay with the baby until the babysitter gets here.

I gotta go to Ferguson's for beer.

Oh, Arch.

Oh, Daddy, Ferguson's is open until midnight.

You just don't wanna be alone with the baby

'cause you're afraid you might have to change him.

You think I never changed you, little girl?

If I'd have waited for you to do that,

I would have worn the same diaper till I was two.

Ma told me that.

Well, don't believe your mother. You believe me.

Many's the time I changed you, little girl.

And it wasn't always wee-wee. Sometimes, it was this here.

Well, I never promised you a rose garden.

(CHUCKLING) That's cute.

I don't know what the hell she's talkin' about.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

I'll get it. I'll get it. I'm right here, ain't I?

Hi. Hiya, sis. What do you want?

Oh, hi, Mr. Stivic. Hi, Sharyn, come on in.

Who's this? Sharyn. She's the babysitter.

(WHISPERING) This is the babysitter? Yeah.

What's the matter with you? What?

A kid this age can't take care of a baby. Are you crazy?

Oh, hi, Mrs. Stivic.

Hi, Sharyn, this is my father Mr. Bunker.

Daddy, this is Sharyn Ramsey.

Hi, Mr. Bunker. Yeah, hiya there, sis. Uh, yeah.

Now you can give Joey his 8:00 bottle whenever he wakes up.

And over there on the desk, I've got the phone number of the theater written down.

Gloria, we're gonna be late. We'd better hurry. We're gonna be late.

All right. Don't worry. Sharyn, we'll see you later.

Hey, listen, listen. What?

Bye-bye!

A girl like this with a kid in here.

A babysitter at least ought to be out of puberous.

Um, say, uh, listen, sis,

not to get personal or anything, but how long have you been...

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

What is this?

That's a textbook.

I know.

"The Sex Life of Aborgnines."

Is that that actor with all of the wives?

"Aborigines."

Well, I know, but it's about sex.

Does your mother know you're readin' this?

Mr. Stivic's teaching it.

Well, I ain't surprised. He'd teach anything.

How long you been babysittin'?

Since I was 14.

Was that about a year ago?

I'm 18.

Oh, now, come on. You can't tell me you're 18 years of age there.

Would you like to see my driver's license?

No, no, no, I didn't ask to see your driver's license.

You say you're 18... What year was you born in?

1957.

(MAKING CALCULATIONS IN A WHISPER)

I'll take your word for it.

Uh, let me ask you this. Uh, what's that?

Baby powder.

Correct.

What's this here?

A pre-moistened towelette.

Oh, is that what that is.

And this over here?

Baby oil.

How many teaspoonfuls you give him?

You rub it on. You don't feed it to him.

Well, see you remember that.

Now, I'm gonna leave. And you just sit right here where you can see him.

Here, move up a little bit closer there where you can see the ba...

Don't be readin' sex here, huh?

Just keep your eye on him.

See, I don't want him turnin' over there on his face

so he gets himself a cauliflower nose.

Don't worry, Mr. Bunker. At three weeks, he's not strong enough

to turn over by himself.

Don't short-change the kid. He's very strong.

Look at the arms and the shoulders on him there.

He's got a hell of a bite, too.

You know what he done yesterday?

He bit right through a nipple.

It was a lucky thing he was on a bottle.

He could have hurt somebody in the family.

He doesn't have any teeth, Mr. Bunker.

Well, then, he's got gums like an alligator.

I'm only telling you what he done, that's all.

Now, I gotta go over next door to the game, see?

And if he wakes up and he sees a strange face, that's yours,

and he starts cryin',

you go out the kitchen door, out the back door, see,

cross the alley, come over to the house and get his ganpaw.

His ganpaw?

That's what he's gonna call me when he learns to talk.

Don't look at me. Look at him.

He's a beaut, ain't he, for a boy?

Yeah.

Yeah, he's gonna grow up to be a hell of a guy, too.

None of them fruitcakes with the long hair,

funny eyeglasses and a purse hanging down over their shoulder.

Holy cow, I don't believe it.

Hi, is, uh, Sharyn Ramsey here?

What's it to you?

Hi, David, come on in. Hi, Sharyn.

Who is this? Who is this? Who is this?

I guess you know him, huh?

Oh, uh, Mr. Bunker, this is David Harper. He's a friend of mine.

Hi, Mr. Bunker.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, likewise.

What's this here?

Oh, that's a couple albums. We're gonna play 'em.

You know, Rolling Stones, Grateful Dead.

Yeah, I know all about them gravediggers.

I don't want no loud music played in here.

Don't worry, we won't play the albums.

Yeah. Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it.

Douse the light there, buddy.

What do you think you're doin'?

Well, I was gonna smoke a cigarette.

Uh, David, no smoking around the baby.

Yeah, but that ain't the point there.

Is that, uh, a regular cigarette?

Yeah, it's the legal kind. You know, the one's that give you cancer?

Oh, that's good.

You sure you ain't got, uh, any of them funny, little ones in there?

Aw, Mr. Bunker, I don't smoke grass.

Oh, oh, oh, I never said you did.

I just don't wanna come back in here a little later

and sniff around and think I'm in Mexico.

Come here, sis, I wanna ask you something.

Come over here. Come over here. Why is he here?

David and I are studying together.

Studying what?

Anthropology.

In front of the child?

Anthropology is the study of man.

That's the point. I don't want you studying that man.

You don't understand...

Listen, Sharyn, this isn't gonna work out. I'd better go.

All right. That's a very good idea.

I think I'll hold the door for you.

I'm sorry. Oh, it's all right.

We'll catch up later.

Jeez, he can't keep his mouth off of her.

Mr. Bunker, it's been a real experience.

Yeah, yeah, likewise. Likewise.

Yeah, bye.

(JOEY CRYING)

Look what your boyfriend done there. He woke up the baby here.

Come on, sis, pick him up, huh?

The door scared him. He'll stop in a minute.

I don't think he's gonna stop. You better pick him up.

It's not good to pick up a baby every time it cries.

It just makes it harder for the mother.

The hell with the mother. Pick up the child!

Believe me. If we leave him alone, he'll go right back to sleep.

Well, how's he gonna go to sleep when he's making so much noise

he's keepin' himself awake?

Oh, he ain't... He ain't crying now.

What the hell was that?

Nothing. He went back to sleep.

Are you sure he didn't faint in there?

He didn't faint.

Well, don't you think we ought to pinch him?

No, he's asleep. Shh.

All right. Okay, I'm goin' now, but I'm gonna come back

and I may be droppin' in suddenly.

If my grandson is yellin' there and you ain't pickin' him up,

you're in trouble, sis.

Mr. Bunker, maybe you'd feel better if you sat with the baby.

Well, don't think I wouldn't if I didn't have this poker game.

Oh. What's more important? Your poker game or your grandson?

Hey, don't be fresh now.

My grandson's more important.

Well?

Well, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

How much are they payin' you for this here?

Nothing. I was doing it as a favor for Mr. Stivic.

Terrific. Well, I'll take over.

Terrific.

I'll hold the door open for you, too.

You know, David was right, Mr. Bunker.

It sure was an experience meeting you.

Hey, hey, hey, there's no sense trying to make up with me now.

(JOEY CRYING)

Oh, gee.

Hey. Hey, hey, don't cry.

Hey, don't cry in there, little fella.

Don't cry. Your ganpaw is here with you here.

Don't cry. Hey, listen, I can't pick you up every time you cry.

Huh? Because that makes it hard on your mother.

(JOEY CRYING HARDER)

Oh, jeez, you sound like your mother, too.

MAN 1: Gotta make expenses.

MAN 2: Let's go here.

All right, let's go. Not too bad.

Hey, uh, I'm gonna open for a half.

(EXCLAIMING) Kelsey the Greek over there.

I'll call.

Me, too. Call.

Let's see what we got here. Well...

Hey, hey, hey. Tiny, huh?

Don't be lightin' up a heater here.

The smoke will go over there and finixiate the child.

Sorry, Arch, I forgot.

Do you have to be clickin' your winnings over there? Well, I...

The noise would wake up the baby, huh?

Jeez, Arch, all we've been gettin' for two hours

is don't laugh, don't smoke, don't click the coins!

And don't raise your voice.

Hey, Arch, maybe you ought to let the baby get used to noise.

Shh. Why?

Well, with you for a grandpa...

(JOEY CRYING) Aw, look what you did!

You with your big mouth!

Bunker, are you in or out?

Aw, give me a break, will you?

I'm trying to deal with a kid in trouble, here.

All right, little fella.

You just try and go seepy-bye in there.

Seepy-bye?

Jeez, if I knew it was gonna be this kind of night,

I'd have brought my Barbie doll.

The kid must be hungry.

He ain't hungry. He ain't supposed to be fed for another three hours yet.

Check. Maybe he lost his watch.

Well, if he ain't hungry, it's the other thing.

What other thing?

Feel his bottom.

See if it's heavy.

I don't have to do nothin' like that.

He got rid of all that this mornin'.

Arch, you want the kid to stop cryin'?

Why don't you do what I always did with my kid?

Give him some beer.

What an awful suggestion.

Feedin' beer to a child that ain't even weanied yet?

(JOEY CRYING)

He's in some kind of trouble over here.

Well, maybe he's havin' a nightmare.

Oh, he don't know enough about the world.

He ain't even took a subway ride yet.

My grandmother used to say, "A crying baby is like a nickel on the floor.

"Pick it up and everybody's happy."

Yeah, everybody except the guy who lost the nickel.

Sidney, the worst thing you can do for a kid is pick him up.

It only spoils him.

Better he should be spoiled than he should be crying.

My grandmother always said, "A crying baby should be picked up."

She was pickin' me up when I was nine years old.

I say you should pick him up.

Yeah, pick him up, or deal him in.

TOMMY: Yeah.

Don't you see that your laugh is torturin' the child here?

Hey, Arch. Arch, that sounds like a rash cry to me.

See if he's wet.

No, no, no, I don't like to do that. He ain't wet.

How do you know? Did you feel?

I don't have to feel. He don't even sound wet.

Hey, Arch, I think you're afraid to change the kid.

I'll bet you've never changed a baby. SIDNEY: Yeah.

I'm tellin' you, Arch, it's a rash cry.

It ain't a rash cry. It's a noise cry.

And the cause of it is Tiny over there. Me?

If you ain't gonna pick it up, the kid's hungry.

Yeah, come on, feed him. Feed him, Arch. Feed him!

I'll give him a bottle. I'll give him a bottle.

All right, you guys all gather round here.

Jiggle the bassinoot here, see?

And I'll go get his stuff.

(SHUSHING) Okay, okay.

Hey, he's a cute kid, huh?

Yeah.

It's hard to believe he's related to Arch.

Shh. Shh.

ALL: ♪ Rock a bye baby on a tree top

♪ When the wind blows

♪ The cradle will rock

♪ When the bough breaks the cradle will fall

♪ And down will come baby

♪ Cradle and all ♪

Hey, how 'bout it?

Hey, hey, hey, Arch. Did you hear that, huh?

Yeah, swell, three Andrews Brothers and one Ink Spot.

I think I'll feed him now, huh?

That baby got nice features.

Yeah.

But I don't think he's getting enough sunshine though.

He looks a little pale, don't he?

You all look a little pale to me.

Before you give it to him, you're supposed to test it first.

I already tested it, Schwartz,

and it tastes lousy just like babies love it.

Arch, the bottle ain't gonna stay in his mouth.

You gotta pick him up, you gotta cradle him in your arms

and then you gotta hold the bottle in his mouth.

No, no, gee, look at that.

He's slurpin' it up pretty good, ain't he?

Yeah, yeah, I can't wait till he's old enough to come to my bar.

Hey, Arch, I don't think he's drinkin' anything.

Maybe he has to burp.

No, kids only burp when they finish their bottle.

Sometimes, it's before. Sometimes, it's after.

There are no rules for burping.

(JOEY BURPS)

See? He burped.

That wasn't no burp.

Hey, Schwartz, there, I mean, you know so much about everything, uh,

are you, uh, gonna help me with this little change here?

I ain't a Jewish mother.

Johnson?

I ain't even Jewish.

Kelsey there?

Arch, I came to play poker not house.

Let's get our winnings, fellas, huh?

Hey, Tiny, what am I gonna do?

Open a window.

Yeah, Arch, and then after that sing to him. You know.

♪ Rock a bye baby on a tree top

ALL: ♪ When the wind blows the cradle will rock

♪ When the bough breaks the cradle will fall

♪ And down will come baby cradle and all ♪

Hey, you guys, you're leaving an innocent child in danger here.

Well, okay, kiddo.

As the President said to the boys, "I'll erase this myself."

All right now, just take it easy. That's a boy.

You don't have to cry about nothin'.

I like you quiet this way, see?

Where's the pins? No pins. Jeez, what a diaper.

Oh, you're taped up there, huh? Oh, that's pretty good.

We'll get that off there.

There we go. There we go.

Now we get it off there. Now we get it off...

It's okay. It's okay.

Only take a minute here. There we go. There.

Now we'll get it all together here.

Now, I'll be right with you, huh? Now, don't move.

(CRYING)

Okay, okay, I ain't leavin' the room. I...

Here we are.

This is gonna feel good,

when we get you all wiped off. Won't it?

Take it easy. Take it easy there.

We'll get you all wiped off. Get you nice and clean there.

And, uh, and then we, uh... Yeah.

Yeah, we got a diadee comin' for you now here.

Here's a nice clean one.

Okay, okay, take it easy there.

Now...

That's a boy.

I can't even get him up.

We'll get you out of here.

Oh, yeah, that's okay.

That's okay.

I'll carry you in a minute there.

This is down here.

Tape it over there.

And over there. And you'll be all set.

There you go.

Good night.

There.

There.

Now, I left a note over there for your mommy and daddy

that you're over here with me, see?

And wasn't it better bein' over here with all us guys

than with that fresh girl? Huh?

Now.

♪ Lullaby, and good night

♪ And with roses bedight ♪

Whatever that means.

A couple years, I'll be telling you fairy stories, you know?

Oh, I don't mean stories about them people, you know,

but stories out of fairy books like "The Three Little Bears,"

"The Three Little Pigs."

See, "The Three Men in a Tub."

They had a water shortage in them days.

See, everything in fairy land was in threes, you know?

Except the dwarves. There was seven of them.

'Cause they was little, see?

And, uh, the wolf was after them.

So the wolf come runnin' after 'em.

Boy, and he had one hell of a breath.

He blew down their house, see?

And he blew down their house and they had to find another joint.

So they run through the woods and they run across Goldilocks,

and she took them all in to live with her, see?

But nothin' wrong with that because she was a nice girl, and they're old anyway.

So they got another house. But the wolf come along

and he blew that one down, too.

So then they took off again through the woods and they come to a...

(CRYING)

They come to a brick house there, see?

And that belonged to Disney. So they all...

They all moved in there and started working for him, hmm.

Yeah, well, that ain't particularly right,

but then, you don't know the difference anyhow.

Yeah.

♪ London Bridge is falling down

♪ Falling down, falling down

♪ London Bridge is falling down

♪ The Limeys built it wrong ♪

Hi, Daddy. Hi, Arch.

Hi, you're back, are you?

Yeah. Yeah.

How's Joey?

Ah, he's great there. You see this in here? See what that is?

That's a nice, clean, fresh diadee there.

MIKE: You diapered the baby, Arch?

Well, he certainly didn't do it himself, huh?

Daddy, what's that on the floor?

Oh, that's something that Joseph flung out of his bassinoot.

(BURPS)

Aw, he burped.

Oh, I don't think that was a burp.

I'll tell you what there.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna let you take over here,

Daddy Meathead.

You just take over, huh?

Yeah.

You know somethin'?

In this situation, he looks like you again.

MALE ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.