Original subtitles

♪ Boy, the way Glenn Miller played

♪ Songs that made the hit parade

♪ Guys like us, we had it made

♪ Those were the days

♪ And you knew where you were then

♪ Girls were girls and men were men

BOTH: ♪ Mister, we could use a man

♪ Like Herbert Hoover again

♪ Didn't need no welfare state

♪ Everybody pulled his weight

BOTH: ♪ Gee, our old LaSalle ran great

♪ Those were the days ♪

Honey, what were you doin' upstairs?

What else? Going to the bathroom.

Two more trips to the john today

and I'll be in the Guinness Book of Records.

Still feeling kind of down, huh?

Down? Don't be ridiculous.

♪ I feel pretty, oh, so pretty

♪ I feel pretty and witty and fat! ♪

Boy, will I be glad when this is over.

Me, too.

You, too?

What do you know about this?

I was just tryin' to be sympathetic.

If you wanna be sympathetic,

next time I have to go, you make the trip up the stairs.

(CHUCKLING) That's funny.

What's funny?

Nothin'.

I was...

It sounded funny when you first said it, but...

When you think about it, I mean...

Well, you never laugh when I go to the bathroom,

so why should I laugh when you go?

Goin' to the bathroom is very serious business.

It's not as serious as sittin' in an electric chair, but...

Do you want some coffee?

No!

You know coffee makes me nervous.

All right, all right. No, no... no coffee.

I think I'll just have

some milk and some Oreo cookies.

That is, unless you ate them all up.

I didn't eat your Oreo cookies.

Gloria, you know I'm a Ding Dong man.

All I know is that something very strange is going on in this house

because last night there were six Oreo cookies in the refrigerator.

I counted them.

But this morning, they seemed to have mysteriously disappeared.

What are you going on like this for?

I mean, what... Who cares? What's the big deal?

Honey, look.

I know you're apprehensive,

but it's only natural, I mean,

you're a week overdue... Nine days!

Nine days, nine days.

But it's perfectly natural for a woman to be apprehensive

with her first child.

I want you to stop being so reasonable.

I don't know what you expect from me.

I don't know what I expect from you either.

Oh, honey, honey, honey.

It's all right, it's all right. Hey!

You know, it's not that unusual to be one week overdue.

Nine days!

Nine days, nine days. Nine days.

Uh, I can understand why you'd be a little bit scared, but...

Listen, honey.

I'm gonna be right there with you in the delivery room,

helping you to push,

wiping away the ole perspiration,

maybe even making you smile a little bit.

Huh?

How long have you been parting your teeth in the middle?

Hello. Can I come in?

Hi, Ma. Hi, Mike.

Hi, Gloria.

Hello.

(WHISPERING) What's the matter? She's a little bit down...

Forget it, Michael! I didn't say anything.

You don't understand.

You just stick to your Ding Dongs

and keep your grubby fingers off of my Oreos.

Ma, she's bein' impossible.

I can't even talk to her anymore.

I say, "Gloria, it's gonna be a nice day."

She says it's gonna rain.

I say it's gonna rain, she says it's gonna be a nice day.

What do you do when she gets like that?

Maybe you shouldn't talk about the weather.

I'll see if I can cheer her up.

Well, good luck. Gloria!

Oh, here you are.

Yeah, here I am. Oh!

You should have seen your father goin' off on his fishin' trip.

All bundled up.

He looked so cute in his lucky fishing cap.

Which one is his lucky fishing cap?

The one with the big button on it that says "Lucky Fishin' Cap."

Oh, yeah. He wore that one last time.

He didn't catch anything. So what's so lucky about it?

Well, it was lucky for the fish.

(LAUGHING SARCASTICALLY)

Oh, Gloria.

I think I know what's bothering you.

You ain't worried about having the baby.

I'm not? No.

You're just startin' to realize that from now on

a whole little human person is gonna depend on you.

You're the one that's gonna be mostly responsible

for what kind of a human bein' that baby turns out to be.

My God, no wonder I'm scared.

Oh, that's why they'd say

that a good mother is the hardest job in the world.

Yeah, and it's the only job that men don't try to take away from us.

I'll bet they would if it paid enough.

(CHUCKLING)

Really? Oh. Yeah.

Oh, Gloria.

Your shower tomorrow is gonna cheer you up.

Oh, I'm dying to meet your girlfriends from your childbirth class.

I don't know, Ma.

It's not very exciting to sit around with a bunch of pregnant women

who talk about their stretch marks.

Hey, Gloria, what do you say we do our exercises, huh?

Forget it.

Honey, we haven't done them in a couple of days.

And what's the point of practicing prepared childbirth

if we don't... We're not gonna practice the exercises?

Dr. Shapiro says we should do it every day.

Well, then, do it with Dr. Shapiro.

Gloria, come on.

Oh, come on.

You've been taking those classes six weeks.

Show me what you learned.

(EXASPERATEDLY) Okay.

Honey, why don't you lie down over here.

Got a pillow for your head right there.

Do they make you have the baby on the floor?

No, Ma, this is just for the exercises. Oh.

There you go, honey.

Now it's my job to help Gloria relax. Oh.

That's right, 'cause like he keeps telling me, "We're in this together."

Ha!

All right. Contract your right arm.

See that, Ma?

Her right arm is tense, but the rest of her body is relaxed.

See?

She's learned to respond to my commands.

And when she goes into labor,

her mind won't be on the pain, it'll be on the exercises.

Oh, my.

I'm glad I had Gloria when I did,

'cause I don't think I'd know enough to have a baby today.

Another thing that I have to know is how to control Gloria's breathing.

And I also have to know what to do in case of hyperventilation.

Is that something like crossventilation?

Uh, no, Ma. Hyperventilation is caused by uncontrollable breathing.

Like this... (HEAVING)

You see that? That comes from tension.

Hey, Coach, your little lecture just put my arm to sleep.

Wake it up, would you?

That's another thing.

In prepared childbirth they call the husband the coach. That's me.

Oh. Michael!

Sorry, honey. Sorry.

Release to touch.

There you go. Oh.

Okay, contract your left leg.

You see, Ma, when a woman goes into labor,

very often there can be hyperventilation,

and that comes from exhaling too much carbon dioxide.

So what I do is I bring a paper bag with me into the delivery room.

That way, she can breathe into the bag

and she inhales the carbon dioxide that she was exhaling before.

Do you understand?

No.

When I had Gloria I breathed whatever was in the room.

You mean you have to take a paper bag to the hospital with you?

Yeah, well, the paper bag is inside the goodie bag.

The goodie bag, what's that?

I'll show you.

It's what the husband brings along to the hospital.

It's got everything in it. Everything.

Here we got the...

The paper bag here, in case of hyperventilation. Oh.

And we got a stopwatch in here. That's to time the labor pains.

And we got a rolling pin here.

See, I roll this on Gloria's back

in case she's got back labor, like this.

Oh, that feels good. See?

Ooh!

And we got some snacks in here for the husband.

We got some peanuts. We got some pretzels.

We got some potato chips.

You see, I'm gonna have a six-pound baby

and he's gonna have an eight-pound lunch.

Michael, my leg! Oh, I'm sorry, honey. Sorry.

Release to touch. There you go. Ah.

Okay, contract your left arm and your right leg.

Ah, no, no, no. Honey, I said, "Your left arm and your right leg."

You said my right arm and my left leg!

All right, all right, all right. Let's just say I was wrong.

What do you mean, "Let's just say you were wrong?"

You were wrong!

All right, all right, Little Mother.

Don't you patronize me, Michael Casimir Stivic.

Gloria, Gloria, just calm down. You're a little bit emotional.

Just relax. Contract your left arm and your right leg.

No.

Gloria, I'm ordering you to contract your left arm and your right leg.

Well, what if I don't? What's gonna happen?

Are you gonna call off the baby?

Now hear this!

(WHISTLING) This is your coach speaking.

Forget the fact that you are having personal problems with your husband.

I am speaking to you strictly as your coach

and I'm telling you to contract your left arm and your right leg!

Now hear this. This is your wife speaking

and she would like to tell her coach

to contract his own left arm and right leg and then shove 'em!

MIKE: Whoa!

Now hear this. This is Edith Bunker speakin'.

Now, Mike, you stifle yourself. And you contract yourself!

Now we'll change the subject.

Mike, do you have enough film for the shower tomorrow?

The shower's not tomorrow, Ma. The shower's on Sunday.

Tomorrow's Saturday.

I'm going to the basketball game tomorrow.

Oh, no. No, the shower is tomorrow.

That's right, I told you that last night.

No, you didn't.

Well, is going to a basketball game more

important than taking pictures at my shower?

No, no. Who wants to go to a dull old basketball game

when I can have the time of my life at a fun-filled fiesta

takin' pictures of a pack of peppy preggos?

You don't wanna be there?

You don't want to be there?

Gloria, now you're both overtired and overwhelmed.

And overdue!

Gloria, where are you goin'? To bed!

Great, great, go to bed! I'm goin' out.

Well, you go out there! That's right, I'm goin' out.

That's right. I may not come back until my kid graduates high school!

That's too soon! Make it college then!

Go longer!

(BOTH YELLING)

Bananas pureed with rum.

Bananas with wheat germ.

Blueberries with blackberries.

(SNORING)

(SIGHING)

Michael.

Michael, wake up! What?

What's the matter? Is it time yet? Where's the goodie bag?

(INAUDIBLE)

You know I can't sleep when you snore.

That's funny.

It didn't keep me awake.

Sorry, I'll try to stop.

Good night. Good night.

(SNORING)

Michael. What? What's the matter? What's the matter?

You're snoring again.

It's funny, must have happened when I was sleeping.

I'm sorry.

I'll try to stop, I swear.

Good night. Good night.

(SIGHING HEAVILY)

(SNORING)

Michael! What? What?

What...

What, are you gonna tell me I was snoring again?

That's right. That's impossible. My head barely hit the pillow.

I can't help it. You were snoring.

Now, Michael, I have to get some rest for my baby shower tomorrow.

Hey, hey.

Take it easy. Take it easy.

I'll go to sleep on my stomach.

I don't snore when I sleep on my stomach.

I hope not. All right.

Good night. Good night.

Michael.

(SHOUTS)

Yes, sir. I caught you.

I caught you that time. I deliberately stayed awake.

What do you got to say about that?

You were snoring. Oh, no.

No way, Gloria. I set the trap, you fell right into it.

You just resent the fact that I can sleep and you can't.

Why can't you just admit you were snoring?

Because...

All right.

All right.

I was snoring.

No, you weren't.

(SCREAMING)

I hate you!

You're driving me into a lunatic!

Let me tell you somethin', Gloria.

This is no way to make friends in bed.

Now I understand

that you're a week overdue.

Nine days! All right, nine days, damn it!

But I'm not gonna be pushed around any longer.

Oh, blow it out your goodie bag.

Where are you goin'?

I'm just gonna have a little snack here.

What are you talking...

You're not... Don't eat that. You're not supposed to eat that now.

That's for when we go to the hospital.

(LAUGHING)

So this is where my Oreos went.

I just said I didn't eat them.

But you didn't say that you knew where they were.

I didn't have any Ding Dongs. I only put those in there for the time being.

What are you doing? Are you gonna eat that now?

I'm just gonna eat the white stuff in the middle.

I'll put the cookie part back.

What good is the cookie part unless it has the white stuff in the middle?

Look what you're doing. You're breaking the cookie up and everything.

Look, why don't you just stop eating and go to bed, huh?

Why? So I can lie there and listen to you snore?

Honey.

Honey, you... you... You didn't mean that.

(STAMMERING)

Why don't you just lie down, relax, contract your left leg?

Aw, contract your own left leg.

As a matter of fact, contract your whole snoring nose

and suck it right up inside your face.

You know, I'm trying very hard not to lose my temper.

And I...

I understand that your nerves are frayed.

And I'm trying to do everything to make you happy.

Uh, I'll tell you what. Tell you what.

I won't go to the basketball game tomorrow.

I'll stay home and take pictures at the baby shower. Isn't that nice?

Don't do me any favors. I don't want a martyr at my baby shower.

As a matter of fact,

I don't want you to be my coach in the delivery room.

All right.

All right.

Great, that's nice.

That's real nice, Gloria.

Maybe... Maybe you don't even want me in your bedroom, huh?

No. No, I don't want me in my bedroom.

I'm gonna go sleep next door.

You're not goin' anywhere.

Release to touch, Meathead.

Hey! Hey!

You leave this house I swear, not only will I not be at that baby shower tomorrow,

I will not be home for dinner tomorrow night!

Then you'd better take along a pocketful of Ding Dongs, you dodo.

(WOMEN CHATTERING)

All right, calling all preggos.

We gotta finish opening the presents.

(WOMEN CALLING GLORIA)

Gloria, where are you?

GLORIA: I'm coming.

Hi, Sylvia. Hi.

Oh, I left the light on in the john for you.

I've been up there four times already. I can do it in the dark.

Here you are. Gloria, that's mine.

Feels like a football helmet.

But it's square, Irene. It's for square-heads.

Oh, look at that.

Yeah, here's another bow for you. Thank you.

(WOMEN LAUGHING)

(WOMEN EXCLAIMING)

IRENE: Isn't that darling?

(WOMAN CHATTERING)

Oh, there's a poem here.

"The size is right for sitting pretty

"'Cause a baby's tush is itty-bitty."

Thank you, guys.

That is nice.

Would you please stop kicking me, pal?

Oh, oh, the baby likes its present. It's clappin', too.

No, he's kicking 'cause his father's not here.

Oh, let's make way for the next nifty gifty.

WOMAN: There's only two left.

Vikki.

Hey, Vikki.

Uh, well, wait a minute, this is your present. Hold it.

I can't hold it. Believe me.

Gloria, you don't look happy.

Aren't you having a good time?

Oh, yeah. I'm having a good time.

But I'd be having an even better time

if I knew Michael was havin' a rotten time and that's the truth.

Look, Gloria.

This is from your mother.

Oh, yeah. Here you are.

Edith, you read the card. Oh, I don't have to, I know it by heart.

It's a poem. I wrote it myself.

"Pink is for girls, For boys it is blue

"But whatever you are, I'll always love you."

(WOMEN EXCLAIMING)

Oh, wait a minute. There's more.

"Dear baby girl,

"Sugar is white, Grass is green

"To your mom you're a girl, To me you're a queen."

(WOMEN EXCLAIMING) Ma, that's great.

But what if it's a boy?

Oh, that's the third verse.

"Dear baby boy,

"I think that I shall never see

"A poem lovely as a tree

"I hope you'll like this present, see,

"'Cause I don't know how to crochet a tree."

That's great.

Here, Sylvia, you wear a bow, too. Okay.

(WOMEN EXCLAIMING)

Oh, Ma. WOMAN 1: It's beautiful.

WOMAN 2: It's gorgeous.

"Pink is for girls. For boys there is blue."

Thanks, Ma. SYLVIA: Gosh, that's lovely.

I hope Mike likes it.

Mike who?

Mike Stivic, your husband, you know.

Oh, yeah, him. I don't wanna talk about him.

Oh, Gloria.

Lots of wives have husband trouble when they're pregnant.

Even Archie, when I was carryin' you,

wasn't as sweet as he is now.

I find that hard to believe.

Ma, is Gloria okay? How's the baby?

Michael!

Gloria, where's the baby?

(ALL CHATTERING)

(HYPERVENTILATING)

Sit down.

I was at the game.

An announcement came over the loudspeaker

paging Dr. Shapiro.

And I said,

"That's my wife. My doctor's having a baby."

There must be a hundred Dr. Shapiros in New York.

Yeah, but when your wife is a week overdue

and your doctor is Dr. Shapiro,

any doctor can be your Dr. Shapiro.

Mike, you're breathing too fast.

Ma, he doesn't look too good.

There were five phones. Three of them were busy, two were out of order.

I tried to call.

Michael, calm down.

Gloria, he's hyperventilating.

He's not even pregnant.

Michael! Ma, go get a paper bag. I can't stop! I can't stop!

(WOMEN CHATTERING)

Get your coat off!

(WOMEN CHATTERING)

Not so fast.

Make believe you're having labor pains.

I think I am.

Here's the paper bag,

and I got a bigger one if he needs more air.

Inhale, inhale. Just breathe easy into that, honey.

Exhale. Michael, take it easy, sweetheart.

Inhale. Exhale. I'm sorry, honey. This is all my fault.

I've been so rotten in the last few days. Inhale.

I'm really sorry, honey. Exhale.

I didn't mean all the bad things I said. Inhale.

Oh, I need you to be my coach in the delivery room.

Exhale. I really need you there, honey.

And I love you so, so much. Inhale.

And I'm sorry. Exhale.

Michael.

Michael, please tell me you forgive me.

I forgive you.

Oh, honey.

What are they doing, starting a second one?

Oh, no. Gloria's just fixin' Mike's ventilator.

Come upstairs. I'll show you the baby's room. Oh, yeah.

Oh, it's so cute.

MIKE: Oh, boy.

Are you feeling better now?

Yeah, yeah. I'm all right. I'm all right.

Boy, you know, I got...

I got so scared when I heard them paging Dr. Shapiro.

All kinds of crazy thoughts went through my head.

I'm sorry I put you through all that, honey.

That's all right, that's all right, that's all right.

You know, honey,

I know I'll never understand everything you're going through.

Hey, if it'd make you feel any better, though,

I did have six pickles with my hot dog at the ballgame.

You know somethin' else? What?

I was noticing the other day,

I think I'm gettin' stretch marks over here.

(LAUGHING) Mike.

MALE ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.