Original subtitles

("RED DWARF" THEME)

- What is that thing? - Astroglacier.

Allotropically modified, surrounded by an envelope of luminous gasses.

Thanks! That's most helpful.

- What is it? - To you, a big iceberg.

I studied them in my first year in the Corps, but I've never seen one up this close before.

Isn't it incredible? Look at those crystalline formations. They're faberoo!

You think all this sciencey stuff's really interesting, don't you?

I bet at school you were always the one with the right coloured pencils and the impossibly neat handwriting.

I bet even now you can probably tell us the average rainfall of the oil-rich coastal lowlands of Venezuela.

No, I couldn't. I've no idea.

OK, 3.4 inches. So what?

Unlike you guys, my greatest accomplishment

isn't a line on a loo wall somewhere marking my highest-ever pee.

I'll have you know, ma'am, I too possess qualifications.

What qualifications have you got, meat-tenderiser-head?

I'm a fully qualified Bachelor of Sanitation.

You may not know this, sir, but many years ago I completed my course at Toilet University,

where I studied the lavatorial sciences.

Toilet University's just a piece of software, it's part of your core program.

I still had to complete a written examination to indicate the program was successfully installed.

It was most interesting. Did you know for instance that the first siphon and valve flushing system

was patented in 1778 by Joseph Bramah,

whose U-bend curvature equations are still...

- Kryten. - Yes, sir?

Can this story maybe wait? Ideally, until after I'm dead.

Well, speaking personally, I hardly didn't get no formal education at all.

- No kidding, Professor. - No, it's true, bud.

That's why sometimes I don't know stuff, like... well, practically everything.

- Was this because you brought yourself up, sir? - Right. There was no one else around so I had to teach myself.

And seeing as I didn't know anything to begin with, lessons were long and slow,

especially on Thursdays when I had double nothing.

So what do we do about the ice?

Well, water supplies are low, ma'am.

If the ice is uncontaminated, it might prove move useful.

- OK, standard SEP scan and log. - Locking on. Scanning and logging.

- Extraordinary. - What is it?

There's something's buried deep in the heart of the astroglacier.

Some kind of object. It's huge. Just processing.

- Well? - It's a starship.

This place is harder to get into than an airline Chicken Kiev!

It's the Leviathan, sir, a 23rd-century JMC supply ship.

Engines are dead, power overload.

Looks like they were running from something. Wait! I'm picking up a life sign.

- Are you absolutely sure? - Certain.

I've never seen anything like this!

You weren't around for my last party, were you?

Look at their twisted, tortured faces! The sheer blind terror.

- (SCREAMS) Yaaaargh!!! Oh, my God! - What is it?!

The back of my neck! Great big gob of ice water!

It felt really horrible! Went right down into my crevice.

Hey, guys, check this out!

There's a woman in there!

Just locating her JMC ident chip.

Caroline Carmen. According to the Psi-Scan, she was once a supply officer on Red Dwarf.

I remember her. She got reposted at Titan.

- You knew her? - Yeah, she made a pass at me once.

I don't believe you. A supply officer would never go out with you?

She did, actually. In fact, me and Karen had quite a thing going there for a really long time.

Caroline.

Caroline, yeah. Karen was my pet name for her.

- I don't believe a word. - Caroline Carmen and me, believe it.

Sexually, we were just so compatible.

In fact, while I was dating her, the two women in the quarters next door nicknamed her Carmen Moans.

- You could ask her if she was still alive. - She is, sir.

The life sign appears to be coming from this very spot.

Is it? Ah, well, she might not remember me immediately. She might have amnesia.

- Amnesia? - Yeah, ice does that. Gives you amnesia.

- Isn't that right, Kryts? - Well, I don't recall hearing that, sir.

See? It's affecting him already.

OK, let's get her back to the 'Bug.

I've begun the water siphoning process from the Leviathan. Any change here?

It doesn't make sense, bud. The ice won't melt, and this room's hotter than an English beer.

He's right. The temperature's been a constant 90 degrees,

and yet she's still completely cold and unresponsive.

What about Miss Carmen?

I was talking about Miss Carmen.

It's as if the body's generating the ice as a form of protection.

Maybe we should just laser it?

Recommend we wait until the chemical analysis results are completed in the morning, sir.

Any hasty lasering could result in lasting damage to the body.

Do you really think she's still alive in there?

She must be.

Ah...

Well, well, well...

This is a bit of a turn-up, isn't it, hey?

You just couldn't stay away, could you, Kris?

Hey, what are you doing? Hey wait... what you doin?

(LAUGHS)

And what makes you so damn sure I'm interested?

You dumped me, remember? You think you can just jump in me bed and I'm yours?

Well, as it happens, you're right, but let me tell you it was a pretty close thing.

Mmm. It's good to feel your sweet breath on my neck again.

Oh, smeg! It's Kryten! It's Kryten!

Quick! Quick! Quick! In the shower! In the shower!

(GROANS)

Smeg!

- Yeah? - Are you alone, sir?

- Yeah! - Well, I just thought I'd come in and dust your quarters.

- It's two o'clock in the morning, man! - Ah yes, well this is an emergency dust you see, sir.

My sensors have picked up vast quantities of dust in this region, I simple must dust! Right now!

- I'll take the risk, man! - I simply can't allow that, sir.

Ah, double bed mode. Hmm...

I'll just, ahem, dust inside your wardrobe...

Under your spare bunk duvet...

Hmm... In your other wardrobe...

Kryten, man, I'm trying to get some kip!

- She's in here, isn't she? - I don't know what you mean, man.

(SQUEALS) You promised me you wouldn't like her more than me, you promised!

Look, Kryten, listen, I um...

- Look, it's like... - It's because she's got a better shaped head than me, isn't it?

Not again, man. No! No!

- It is! - I like your head!

Not as much as you like hers!

What are you talking about? You've got one of the all time great heads.

It's attractive, it's functional, it's almost perfect for carving a Sunday roast!

She's in the shower, isn't she? Isn't she?!

- Who? - Miss Kochanski! Who do you think? Madam Curie?!

What is all this noise about? I can't sleep!

Forgive me, sir.

Shame mode.

Excuse me, ma'am.

How the hell did you do that?

Of course! You slipped out through the vent shaft and dropped into the corridor. Brilliant!

- What? - You're a genius, an absolute genius!

- What are you doing? - I'm unbuttoning your shirt.

- What are you doing that for? - We've got a little unfinished business!

That was a long time ago. Things are very different now!

Look, he's gone. Don't worry about Kryten.

Now come on, get your kit off and I'll go slip into my Batman outfit.

You really believe in being direct, don't you?

Come on, rumpy-pumpy, Kris. Let's hit the springs!

That's your idea of seduction, is it? Well forget it, Lister, not if you were the last man alive.

- I am the last man alive. - I rest my case.

What did I do wrong? What?

Oh, duvet...

Oh, my God! Caroline! You've really let yourself go.

You're like the before bit for about 900 Clearasil commercials!

Sorry!

(ALARM SOUNDS)

God! Ah!

God! God!

Oh! Are you all right, sir?

I've just been molested by Tutankhamun's horny grandma!

Of course I'm not smeggin' all right! Eurgh! The taste!

I need to go and gargle with a Toilet Duck!

She's dead, sir. And, curious, it appears she's been dead for three million years.

If she's been dead for three million years, where did the life signs come from?

Good point, sir. And more to the point, where did they go?

(THUD)

- I feel really lousy. - Oh you're probably just in shock. Don't be such a baby.

Miss Kochanski, ma'am, If I may say so your bedside manner leaves something to be desired.

- Like what? - Well, like a bedside manner!

You think I'm a hypochondriac?

You're a man, aren't you? I mean, you all get the common cold and you think it's malaria.

And women, of course, are different?

They just have a different perspective on pain, Kryten.

As would you if every summer you had to pour hot wax on your crotch and rip out half your thatch.

He's right. I hate doing that.

- The tests are complete. - (LISTER) And?

There's a foreign substance in your blood, and, well, I recognise the DNA, sir.

- Is that good or bad? - It's the Epideme virus, sir.

A man-made parasite created as a rival to the nicotine patch.

Epideme was an intelligent organism, designed to block all neural signals relating to nicotine craving,

but it in practice it also blocked the signals telling the body it needed blood and oxygen.

Is that why the Carmen chick looked like the centrefold from this month's "Playzombie"?

Precisely. It's virtually unstoppable. For the first 48 hours, it consumes its host,

then hijacks the corpse and goes looking for a new victim.

When it can't find one, it freezes the body and waits.

- So the life signs on the Leviathan... - Didn't belong to Carmen,

but to the parasite inhabiting her body...

which passed to you the moment she, well...

Slipped her mouth-meat down me gullet?

I've been tongue-hockeyed to death!

In 48 hours, I'm gonna be deader than a Saturday night in Salt Lake City!

There is one option, sir. I believe you might have a chance if you, well... reason with it.

- Reason with what? - The virus, sir. After all, it is intelligent.

Kryten, are your neural circuits picking up interference from the tumble-dryer again?

If we could patch in the universal translator, it might just be possible to talk to it.

I believe it's your only chance, sir.

It's a long shot, I know, but if we can reason with it, we might persuade it to leave.

- Now, remember, be charming. - Be charming to my virus. Right.

- Patching in the UT. - Aaand a great big "hi" to all of you out there in flesh and blood land!

And tonight, Dave Lister, assisting vending machine sub-operative

and spice food connoisseur, this is your death!

- Your line. - I take it we're speaking with the Epideme virus?

Give that man an eyebrow! Hey, I'm feeling generous. Give him two!

Well, maybe we should, um... can I, er...?

Dave, let's run down the rules. If you win, you get to live.

If I win, you get to die and I take all your knowledge when I kill you.

What, you absorb knowledge from every person you kill?

So as you can appreciate killing you ain't exactly a career highlight.

No offence but when you're a virus, there's not much call for knowing how to open a lager bottle with your anus.

How can you justify killing another living being?

How about that chicken you biryanied last night? How can you justify killing that?

Me and the chicken, it was different.

How's that, David?

Well, I'm a person. It was a curry.

He died so you could go on living. Is that so different from what I'm doing?

Of course it is! Totally! I'm a human being.

I have certain qualities that elevate me above poultry!

- I can think. I can play the guitar. - Better than a chicken? Are you crazy?

We're losing the argument, sir! You better move on to another subject.

I'm the last guy alive!

- And that gives you more right to exist than me? - Well, yeah, because...

Time for your species to check out, Davey. Arrivederci, humies!

Oh!

David, come on.

You've got a virus. It's fatal. It happens.

Doesn't mean we can't be friends.

Don't touch that dial!

Sir, you know how you told us all to work on a solution to Mr Epideme, no matter how drastic?

- Yeah, what have you got, Kryts? - A solution, sir, but, er...

- What? - It's too drastic.

- Tell. - Well, what we thought was...

- You see... - We want to cut off your arm.

- You what?! - It's a stupid idea, I told you it was a stupid idea!

It was your idea!

- Are you saying I'm stupid? - I'm not calling you stupid, shut up!

It's our only chance to save you. It could be worse.

- What, you mean I could be planning a career in archery? - You could be dead.

Now, you said you'd consider anything. Well, this is it.

Can I have some details? Something a little bit more inspiring than "Can I hack off your limb?"

The plan is to inject anti-virals in a precise pattern through your body,

forcing Epideme into your arm.

And then you cut it off. Great plan (!)

What choice have I got?

OK, but make it my left arm, OK? 'Cause my right arm does all my favourite things.

- OK, sir. - Let's go! Chop-chop!

Sorry.

(WHIZZING)

Injecting anti-virals.

OK, virus heading north. Grid coordinate 109.4.

- The pancreas. - 104.2, on my mark. Mark.

And heading for the left shoulder, 309.0. No, no, no, no!

308! 308! It's heading away from his left arm.

406.9... .8... 406.5... Virus heading into his right arm.

The right arm! It's our only chance. Laser bone-saw, sir, quickly!

Amputation mode - cut and cauterise!

(HISSES)

It's not enough.

Still not enough.

Still not enough.

Still not enough!

OK, that's enough. If this doesn't work, we're out of options.

Whether it works or not, it's gonna be a cold day in hell before I touch barbecue wings again!

Aaah!

He's awake!

My left arm... My left arm, I said!

That's my right. What kind of navigation officer can't tell left from right?!

We did the best we could. I am so sorry.

- Where is it? - We flushed it into space. We had to.

Oh, my right arm. I did everything with that arm.

We were inseparable! At least, I thought we were.

- Mr Lister, sir, you're awake! - Buddy, you look great!

Oh it's... It's not your fault. You did what you had to do to save my life.

(WHINES)

You haven't saved my life?

Seven per cent of Epideme's virions have found their way back into your body.

They're currently multiplying exponentially.

So, to sum up - all's I've got to look forward to now is death, zombification

and a quick after-death snog with either you or the Cat?

I've given my arm - my arm - for nothing?

Not nothing, sir! Based on my calculations,

it's bought you approximately 58 minutes more life. I-

- What am I gonna do with 58 minutes more life? - Have half a juggling lesson?

You're really not helping.

Kryten, he doesn't like them like that.

Begging your pardon, ma'am, I've been with Mr Lister for many years now.

And I don't need some judy-come-lately advising me on his sleeping arrangements.

Kryten, in my dimension, I cohabited with him. I think I know what makes him happy in bed.

So do I. A large packet of extra-spicy tortilla chips

and a really good horror movie, preferably featuring some scantily clad, kung-fu-fighting lady vampires.

Hey! Old five-fingers has checked out!

- Oh, my God! You mean... - No, not dead. Checked out. He's gone.

And about 40 pounds of Incinerex blasting plastic has gone missing from Supply Bunker 7.

- You think there could be a connection? - Come on!

- What are you doing? - I'm just popping down the corner shop.

- Does anyone want anything? - Sir, please, come back.

There's no reason to return to the Leviathan.

It's the only way, Kryten. Get back over there, detonate this stuff

and destroy all traces of the virus.

- At least I'll rob it of the satisfaction of killing me. - Dave, close the airlock.

- What you're doing is insane. - She's right.

You've already screwed up the ping-pong tournament. You gonna mess up the yo-yo championships, too!

Dave, don't go through that door! If you go through that door, I'll never speak to you again as long as you...

Oh, my God! Just how stupid am I?

- Well, according to my calculations, ma'am... - Kryten, shut up!

Hey, Dave, what's this? The Christmas special?

That's right, man, yeah! Look what I got you - 40 pounds of Incinerex.

It's macho, but it's not you. You get what I'm sayin'?

Let's set the timer for five minutes, shall we?

Er, Dave, hellooo?

(KRYTEN ON RADIO) Leviathan? This is Starbug. Come in, sir.

Kryten, get Starbug well away from here! You've got five minutes.

Dave, listen to me. Dave - my Dave - had a saying...

Even the word "hopeless" has "hope" in it.

Maybe you had to be there?

- What the hell did that mean? - You can't give up!

I'm dead already. Use your eyes. I look worse than the Grim Reaper's passport photo.

Please give us more time, sir. The medicomp might still come up an antidote.

There's no point. Look, I haven't made a will, but Kris...

under my bunk...I want you to have the collection of songs I wrote about you.

- Collection? - Well, three.

There's only two things that rhyme with "Kochanski".

I used "underpantski" twice.

Kryten, to you I leave all my laundry. Hey, keep it clean for me, man.

Oh, sir...you're too generous.

Cat, you can have anything you want from my wardrobe.

I can? Great! I need some hangers!

60 seconds left, Epideme.

Dave, your heart says blow but your brain says no.

You're no quitter. Hell, the people of this ship kept searching for a solution right until the end!

- They never gave up. - They didn't?

Hell, no! They even overloaded their engines.

So sad... because they were so near.

So near. They weren't running FROM something but TO something.

Son of a gun!

Kryten, man, change of plan!

Sir, I've been meaning to ask,

as you retain specialist knowledge from each of your victims,

and as the two of us have no gripe, I was wondering if you'd be kind enough to fill in some gaps in my knowledge?

Sure. Shoot! I'm red hot in quantum mechanics, sub-molecular biology and TV theme tunes.

Ask me anything.

Very well.

One thing I've always wanted to know, who on earth was the fourth Marx Brother?

Zeppo. Easy! Ask me a hard one.

- A hard one? - A HAAAAAAAARD one! Yeeeaah!

Very well. How could Starbug's drive module be reconfigured to be made more efficient?

(INHALES) Re-route the pulse relays via the auxiliary conductor nodes

and transpose all the prime numbers in the first line of the output to the energy equation. (EXHALES)

- And that would make Starbug more efficient? - 300% faster!

That's all we needed to know. The Leviathan was heading for Delta 7 for the Epideme cure,

trouble was by the time we reached Delta 7, I'd be dead.

Unless we could work out a way of making the ship go faster.

- And now we have. - Well, I'll be a son-of-a-bacteria!

- How are we doing? - Like a speeding bullet stuck in the back end of a bat out of hell!

Going into orbit right now.

Scanning surface...

- Oh, my God! - What is it?

The planet. It's been flamed.

There's nothing down there! Not a building, not a plant... Nothing.

- You knew, didn't you? - Heyy, I had to do something to make Dave think there was hope.

The whole planet was flamed to get rid of me,

but I'd already left in one of the Star Corps medical engineers,

who then made a house call to the Leviathan!

- How's it going? - Life signs almost gone, sir.

And in tomorrow's episode, Kris Kochanski has a nasty turn

when Dave, her hilarious decomposing boyfriend,

returns from the grave to infect her with a wacky but charismatic virus.

Until then, goodnight.

(HUMS "GOD SAVE THE QUEEN")

(CACKLES)

OK, last roll of the dice. Dave, I'm gonna stop your heart, OK?

- (BOTH) What!? - It's the last chance to save you. Do you agree?

You're gonna prevent Epideme from killing me by killing me?

I'll take that as a yes.

Is he...?

Dead? Yes, ma'am! Careful, Miss Kochanski, don't get too close to him!

(EPIDEME CACKLES)

The Epideme virus has transferred to you! It's infected your hand!

Aand the big showbiz news today is that, as expected,

the long-running virus Epideme has been renewed for another season!

Wrong, bug-head! You're axed!

No! No! No!

(SCREAMS)

Oh, my God! Did you see that?!

She...! She...!

Miss Kochanski, ma'am! what...?! I mean, what...?!

Have you gone completely insane?!

- Kryten! - Huh!

It was Caroline Carmen's. I injected it with blood and adrenaline.

That really is quite extraordinary.

You know, I had you marked down as a bit of a madam,

(KRYTEN CONTINUES) but I really have to accept that I'm going to have to eat some of my own hat

I mean, you do annoy me in some ways, but really that was...

MR LISTER!!!!

(MUTTERS HYSTERICALLY)

Clear!

Clear! Clear!

(COUGHS)

Ohh... Whoa... Where have I been?

For the last few minutes, sir, you've been dead.

- Wow! - How did it feel?

Ever been to Swindon?

- What's that for? - For not staying dead!

Germs.

# It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere

# I'm all alone, more or less

# Let me fly far away from here

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun

# I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose

# Drinking fresh mango juice

# Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun #