Original subtitles

92 degrees. God!

I want a drink but I can't be bothered to get up.

I wanna go to the loo but I can't be bothered to go down the corridor.

This is one of the universal dilemmas,

so much as confronted all men since the beginning of time.

To pee or not to pee, that is the question.

No, I'll just lie here really thirsty with a full bladder

and try and get to sleep.

Smeggin' hell!

One more time and you get this. Do you hear?

Don't think I don't mean it. One more time. Just one more.

(PIPE CREAKS)

What did I tell you? I told you! Didn't I tell you?

How many times have I told you? Right. What was the last one?

"Nureek." So the next one will be a "rotut",

and the one after that will be a "hernunger".

Four seconds, three seconds, two seconds...

(ROTUT)

Now "hernunger".

(NUREEK)

No, that's wrong. You've gone out of sequence.

"Nureek", "rotut", "hernunger". What's wrong with you?

If you're gonna keep me up all night, just do it right, OK?

(SQUELOOKLE)

"Squelookle"? Where does "squelookle" come from? He's new!

(WATER HISSES)

Oh, that's better. Kill two birds with one shower.

Hooooh!

OK...

Right, right.

I can't hear you. You can do whatever you like.

I can't hear a damn thing.

(NUREEK)

Oh, my goodness. It's Princess Leia.

Mr Skywalker went that way, ma'am.

- What? - It's nearly 1 a.m., ma'am. What are you doing up?

Looking for someone to kill. Care to volunteer?

Oh, can't sleep?

Have you ever listened to those clapped out old pipes?

Nureeking and rotuting and just when you expect them to nureek again, they squelookle!

It's enough to make a perfectly sane person crazy!

It's quite amazing the number of people those pipes have driven to the very brink of psychosis.

Mr Lister spent the night in there once and he ended up trying to suffocate himself to death with an onion sandwich.

Look at this. This is a boys' fridge.

Women would never have fridges like this.

Chilled trainers? It just wouldn't happen!

What would you say to a glass of drinking chocolate?

I'd say, "Glass of drinking chocolate, get me out of here!"

I can't live like this. I need a bath.

I hate showers, I've always hated showers. Ask anyone who knows me what I hate and you know what they'd say?

- You hate showers? - You see? Even you know and you hardly know me!

I need a bath. I need sleep. I need clothes. I need cottage cheese with pineapple chunks in.

Well, the next Space Corps ship we come across, ma'am, I'm sure we'll find some supplies

I mean, I knew when I joined the Corps it would be tough in deep space.

I accepted shopping was unlikely.

But then I lost my crew, my ship

and I ended up here with a fridge full of trainers, two sets of clothes

and pipes that squelookle when they should nureek!

I mean, I've tried, I really have tried to fit in!

I even tried learning what offside was.

- Oh... - (SOBS)

Ma'am, please. I've never had to comfort a crying woman before.

I'm not familiar with the technique.

Er, hang on. Just processing.

(BLEEPS) Oh.

Oh, I see! Oh, well, don't worry, ma'am. I know the drill now.

- Huh! - What are you doing?! Get off me!

The Heimlich manoeuvre, ma'am. It believe it helps women stop crying.

The Heimlich manoeuvre stops people choking, you idiot!

No, I think you're wrong, ma'am. Huh!

Of course I'm not wrong, you've just got a corrupted file in your database!

- Well then, why have you stopped crying? - Well, because it's really hard to cry...

...when someone's doing the Heimlich manoeuvre on you.

- It really puts you off. - But you're not crying, though.

Well, no.

- So it worked. - No! It didn't work! It just...

Oh, shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

(EXASPERATED) Oh!

Where did it all go wrong?

My life started off so promisingly.

Rich parents, good school, pony named Trumper.

How did I end up like this?

On a ship where the fourth most popular pastime is going down to laundry room and watching my knickers spin dry.

Oh, ma'am! That is not true! No one has ever done that!

That's only because they don't know when you wash them.

Couple of posters and a trailer before "The World's Stupidest Stuntmen" video

and take it from me that laundry room will be packed!

I think you're doing Mr Lister and the Cat a great disservice, ma'am. A great, great disservice

Wow! This is the best load yet.

Just for the record, I'd like to repeat that I'm only here because I can't sleep.

- So I decided to do some of my laundry and help out Kryten. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm not here because I'm a sad and lonely person who's entertained by women's underwear spin-drying.

- My God! A G-string! - Where?

You missed it.

I swear! It was black and really really small.

I'm too mature for this. I'm just gonna sit here read my comic.

Oh buddy, this is a great show tonight.

I may even write a fan letter to the washing machine company.

Sometimes I'm really ashamed to be with you. You're completely out of order, d'you know that?

- Since when did you get so mature? - Mature? I've been mature for ages, me.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

You're just pretending to be mature because that's your plan to get Officer Bud-Babe to fall for you!

- Everybody knows that! - Go and stick an egg up your nose.

- It's true. - Isn't true.

- It is. - It isn't.

- Is - Isn't!

- Is - Isn't

- Is! - Isn't!

- Is, is, is, is! is-- - Isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't, isn't-

Sirs, Sirs, Sirs! What are you arguing about?

About me being really mature.

I've been looking all over for you, sir. Why aren't you in bed?

The heating system's gone bonkers. Why? What's up?

Oh, it appears life on board ship is getting Miss Kochanski down, sir.

She's in the midships now, throwing knives into the wall and shouting abuse at the fridge for not having any low-fat yoghurts.

- What's the problem? - It's not helped by the fact that her sleeping quarters are next to the sewage processor

- You know how noisy those pipes are, sir.

We'll relag them first thing in the morning.

It's not just she can't sleep, sir. It's everything.

Not being able to have a bath, no cottage cheese, no cl...

The thermostat!

I swear I set the correct programme! Oh!

Who on earth is going to tell her? I mean, who...?

- Hi. - (GRUNTS)

How are you settling in?

Great. Having a ball.

- We'll get you some more clothes. - Don't worry.

I can wander around in a sheet for the next 50 years. I'll be fine.

- We'll fix those pipes. - If you could just make them go "nureek" every time

without any "squelookles", I'd be so grateful.

- We'll stop them completely. - I'm not used to this, not having stuff.

When I was 15, my brother Moose used to kidnap my lipstick and hold it to ransom.

He knew that if I didn't look good I wouldn't go out.

If I don't look good, I don't feel good.

How do you feel now?

- (WHIMPERS) - Don't answer that.

I know I've been spoilt,

brought up in the trendiest part of Glasgow.

- Yeah, the Gorbals. You said. - Eleven years in cyberschool,

perfect computer-generated setting,

with perfect CG teachers and perfect CG friends.

Now I can't even have a bath.

Come on. Come with me. I've got something to show you.

You take my quarters tonight, and I'll have yours.

I've cleaned out an old retro housing and filled it with water.

- I don't know what to say... - And I, um... found this on that derelict.

I was saving it for your birthday.

There's some make-up in there, too.

I can't find her anywhere, sir. I've been searching high and low.

Oh! Ma'am. I didn't spot you there.

- Kris is sleeping in my quarters tonight, Kryten. - In your quarters, sir?

- Yeah, she's gonna have a nice hot bath. - In here? Without clothes on?

Well, convention dictates probably, yeah.

Kryten, me and Kris have been having a talk, and we think it'd be better all round if you leave.

- Uh, Sir? - Well, as you probably know, we're planning on settling down together.

It started that night she had a bath in my quarters, remember?

We got you this leaving present.

- A keyring. - With a "C" on it.

- For Kryten. - But you spell Kryten with a "K".

Oh, don't make a fuss. Now, I've packed all your heads. They're in the bag.

You know what it's like, man. It's the fourth law of the universe. You settle down with a woman,

and the first thing they do is systematically set about getting rid of all your mates.

- The Cat's next. - I've been packing his bag for over three weeks.

We want to be a proper couple and have dinner parties,

and I think I've reached the age now where I really should be wearing clogs.

We're all a bit embarrassed of you because you have a funny-shaped head.

- You're not human, are you. You're a robot. - Yeah!

- Oh, hi! You're early. Come in! - Great to see you!

Mwah! Mwah!

I've just seen the future! I'm afraid, Mr Lister shrunk your uniform, ma'am.

- You only have one left now. - Did he? Never mind.

- Aren't you mad? - I'm too tired to be mad.

I just want to have my bath and get some sleep.

Right. I'll be going, then. Going. After all these years, I'll be going.

- Are you all right, Kryts? - Oh, never been better, thank you sir.

A keyring with a "C" on it! Unbelievable! Thank you with a capital "R"!

- What's eating him? - I dunno. I'll find out later.

Thanks for this. I really appreciate it.

- Hey, no bother. - See you in the morning.

Right.

- Well, I'll be going, then... - Yeah. Night.

Right, I'll.. I'll go.

- Yeah. - See you tomorrow.

Tomorrow, right. If you need anyone to scrub your back or anything, don't hesitate to call, I can be here in twenty seconds.

- I won't. - Night, then.

- Night. - Night. Night-night.

(BOOM)

What was that?

Hang on a minute. I've got a torch, somewhere.

- What the hell's happening? - The generator's down, sir.

I was just adjusting the thermo-settings and it overloaded.

Give it a few seconds and the emergency back-up will kick in.

- (HUMMING) - Ah, thank goodness.

I'll look into it immediately, sir!

(BUZZING)

There goes the back-up! Now everything's dead.

- How come the doors closed? - When the back-up goes down, the doors always lock.

Prevent fire, reinforce hull integrity.

So what's steering this crate? Is autopilot down too?

Everything's down. Oh, I wish I'd been more careful!

You mean this ship's carooming out of control through space with absolutely zero expertise at the helm?

No change there, then.

We've got to refire the back-up generator.

The only way to get to the backup is through the service ducts.

The what?

Two miles of ventways that wind their through the ship like intestines.

There should be a hatchway in your shower, sir.

- How long's that gonna take? - Six hours, maybe more.

- Six hours?! - Are you OK, sir?

Fine, yeah! Ahem... Yeah. Yeah. Yep...

The reading said last night that there was going to be a meteor storm coming in directly ahead,

but it won't hit us for at least 12 hours.

We should gather up some supplies, a little food, as much water as we can carry,

and maybe even that magnetic fishing game.

OK, let's go.

It's so damn hot, I can barely breath. It's like being stuck in a sauna with a fat man on your face.

I don't feel so good. The walls are closing in!

- Are you OK, sir? - I need to take a break, I need air!

He's claustrophobic. Didn't you guys know?

I'm all right when I know I can get out, but now we're out in the middle, somewhere...

- I can't breathe! - Have a drink, sir.

OK, take a look around. See if we can unscrew one of the ceiling hatches, drop back down into the ship somewhere.

- Let's go. - My throat's closing.

- I'm choking. - Here, drink some of this.

You just need something to take your mind off it.

I wonder why Dave - my Dave - wasn't claustrophobic.

Oh, thanks, Kris. That's really helping.

Now is not a good time to tell me how great your boyfriend is, ok?

He wasn't my boyfriend. Not really.

- What? - No, we were just good friends.

- No, but you said... - I just didn't want to look like some sad loser when we first met,

so I asked him to play along.

- You weren't going out with him? - He wasn't my type.

But he was well-dressed, neat, sophisticated, sensitive...

You're so damn picky! Why wasn't he your type?

- He was gay. - You see? Picky.

Everyone has to be absolutely perfect before you're int...

- What did you say?! - He was gay.

- Gay? - Yes.

Are you saying I'm gay in an alternative dimension?

- Yes. - Me?

That's why we only dated for a couple of weeks. It was sort of his final attempt at trying to work things out.

Wait a minute. You don't think...

Now, hang on. I'm completely straight, OK?

I couldn't possibly be gay. I can't grow a big moustache for starters.

- Ask anyone, it just grows in little clumps. - Dave, shut up.

- I'm just saying. - I really miss him. He was great.

(SCOFFS)

Sometimes we used to go to bed together, and he'd just hold me.

- Made me feel everything was OK. - Really?

Well, actually...

No, what am I thinking of? I am not gay!

- No need to make such a big deal about it! - But I am not!

Back on Red Dwarf before the accident, I had loads of gay friends.

- Y-yeah, so did I. - Yeah?

- Yeah. - Real friends that you were really close to?

- Yeah! - Name one.

OK, what about... Bent Bob?

Bent Bob?!

Yeah, little guy, bad toupee, used to work in catering.

That's what you used to call him, is it? "Hey, Bent Bob! How's it going, mate?"

It was his nickname. It was affectionate.

And we obviously only ever used it behind his back. Used to be one of the poker school. Nice bloke.

And he was one of your really good friends, was he?

All right, I admit I haven't had many gay friends.

Yes, you have. You just haven't known they were.

- Like who? - Well, I can only speak for my reality,

but on our ship, Todhunter.

- Todhunter? - Yeah.

- He was married. - So?

- He had kids. - So?

- He used to fool around, slept with women. - That doesn't mean anything.

Yes, it does!

Hang on a minute. This is garbage, isn't it?

You just made it all up to take my mind off being stuck in here!

You're not really a sad loser after all, are you?

God, I found that really attractive, as well.

Made me feel all kind of superior and macho. Not that I don't usually feel macho, because I do!

Here, have another drink... heteroboy.

So, your Dave... isn't, is he?

Ah, smeg!

We've found a grille about 20 metres down on the right which drops down into a supply room.

We can't get through to unscrew the fastening bolts, but ma'am,

with smaller hands you might have better luck.

- Will you be OK? - Leave him to me.

I'll be OK.

Drink?

Boy, is it cramped! Whoo-ee!

I tell ya, if I was dead, you most certainly could not swing me around in here!

- Cat... - Talk about cooped up!

Cat!

Oh, sorry. Not supposed to talk about that, right?

Right.

So, how do you get to be claustrophobic?

Are you born that way or is it because you're kind of sissy?

- Sissy. - Yeah?

Yeah. Now can we just change the subject, please?

So, how comes you didn't get it when we was in that tunnel when all the walls...?

I don't always get it, ok, just sometimes! When I know that I can't get out.

Maybe it's something to do with blood sugar.

But how come you get it at all, though?

I was 17, working in the MegaMart part-time as a trolley-parker.

After a couple of months, I fell in love with cashier number four.

She was 22, with come-to-behind-the-bacon-counter eyes.

And there was just something about the way she held her pricing gun that made me crash me trolleys.

We started seeing each other in the stockroom at break time.

She gave you claustrophobia? I didn't think you could get it like that.

No. She was married to this bald bloke who used to serve the fish, ten years older than her.

He was more interested in this amateur dramatics group he used to run than her.

One evening, we were both on the late shift and we snuck into the stockroom

and started making love on a box of tinned asparagus.

After a couple of minutes - about halfway through, I was 17 -

she leap up and said, "There's someone at the door!"

So, I jumped into this wooden packing crate. It was him!

He asked what the hell she was doing lying on a box of reduced tinned dented veg with no kit on.

She said she was trying to get an all-over tan from the light bulb. He was having none of that.

He sealed me up in the box and said he was gonna drop me in the canal. He drove me out there!

I was screaming at him, pleading, "Let me out!"

I promised him anything, said I'd never see her again, just let me out!

In the end, he relented, and I heard the box being opened.

I stepped out... bollock naked...

right in the middle of the Bootle Players amateur production of "The Importance of Being Earnest".

Boy, that's enough to freak anyone out!

I had no idea Mr Lister was claustrophobic. Why did he never mention it?

Well, it's probably not something he feels comfortable talking about.

- He's told me about everything else about his life. - Not everything, Kryten.

- Absolutely, ma'am! - Everything?

Before you arrived, nights were long and dull.

Cheese Slice Snap can only entertain for so long.

So what did he tell you about me?

Oh, absolutely everything, ma'am. I don't think he missed a single detail.

You mean he told you... about the rusty gate?

Oh, the rusty gate, that was one of the first things he told us.

- We all had a good laugh about that! - He told you that?

He told you that I make a sound like a rusty gate when I'm making love? He told you that?!

No, he told us his grandma once had a rusty gate, and he helped fix it.

And that gave you a good laugh?

Well, like I say ma'am, nights were long and dull.

We were glad of the anecdote.

So he didn't...? Just shut up, OK. I never said that.

Allow me a second, ma'am. Just cross-filing that story under "B" for blackmail and "A" anecdote

and sub-category "S" for "so funny you'll laugh till you're sick".

Look, wig-stand-head, me and Dave, it's all in the past.

In which case, ma'am, why does he keep looking at you

in the same way a starving man would look at a packet of roasted peanuts?

- Well, it's because... - It's because, ma'am, he can't get wait to get the wrapper off

and taste the salty goodness!

- That's his problem, I'm accounted for. - What about the way you look at him?

- What way? - I've seen the way!

- What way? - Like he's a pot of cottage cheese with pineapple chunks in!

How can you say that?!

I have never looked at him like he's a pot of cottage cheese with pineapple chunks in!

Maybe, once or twice, plain cottage cheese, but never, ever with pineapple chunks in!

Never. Never!

Have I?

- What's that? - What's what?

Can't you hear it yet?

Like a... roaring noise.

A roaring noise?

Like a... watery kind of roaring noise.

I can't hear a thing.

It's like water roaring down, say... a passageway...

in a kind of roaring, watery kind of way.

I wonder what the hell it is.

- Hey, where are you going? - Kris! Kryten! Recyc water!

Every four hours, the ductways get backwashed!

You know what, I think I just solved the watery roaring noise problem.

- Come on! - I ain't going with you!

- Why not? - That's where the water's coming from.

You can be really dumb sometimes, you know that?

(WATER ROARING)

I hate this! I really hate this!

- What's that? - What's what?

- That noise. - Oh, not again! What noise?

Is it a roaring, watery kind of noise?

No, not that noise. This is a different kind of noise.

Is it a sort of "Cat being smacked on the head by a smegged-off Lister's fist" kind of noise?

It's a sort of... swirly... windy...

water-drying, hurricaney kinda noise!

A swirly, windy, water-drying, hurricaney kind of noise?

The dryer! The vents get dried after the backwash!

- (WHOOSHING) - Here it comes.

Whooooaaa!

I am not having a good day!

This should help, sir, take away the rising panic.

- What is it? - There was a first-aid box in the supply store.

Lemoplathinominecathorylite.

Well done, ma'am.

Well, everything considered, we've made good time.

What if we're down here for days and end up having to eat each other like those dudes from that plane crash?

Those were exceptional circumstances, sir. Their only other choice was airline food.

- It won't happen to us. - Good, 'cos there's no way I could ever eat a person.

No way I could ever cook one, either, not without my slow cooker.

- What about drinking your own urine? - Well, that's absolutely out of the question.

You should never serve urine with white meat.

I hate the dark. It reminds me of being back in the orphanage school.

The dorm was always pitch black.

The tight sods didn't allow so much as a night-light, just to save electricity.

I remember one night, the lights went out and, as usual, Squeaky Gibson's bed started up.

Squeak! Squeak! Squeak! Squeak! Squeak!

We all picked up our shoes and threw them at him. "Shut up, Gibson! We're trying to sleep!"

Anyway, we all settled back down, and after a while his bed springs started up again.

Squeak! Squeak! Squeak! Squeak! Squeak! More shoes, football boots, trainers, everything.

There was no stopping him, he just got faster and faster.

Squeak! Squeak! Squeak! Squeak! Squeak! Squeak! Squeak! Squeak! Squeak! So I got up, snapped on the light,

and there under a mountain of shoes was poor old Squeaky having an epileptic fit.

I managed to wedge one of my trainers into his mouth. Probably saved his life.

Cyberschool was so different. We'd arrive on the first day of term,

put on our total immersion suits and get connected to the mainframe.

And suddenly, there we'd be in a perfect replica of a girls' boarding school.

We had Miss Brody for English, Mr Chips for maths.

For history, they brought in Disraeli and Genghis Khan.

For literature, they let us talk to Shakespeare and Dickens.

I can't wait to hear what they did in sex education class.

At 18, when I finally got out, I kind of went off the rails.

- How off the rails? - There are the rails. There's me.

That's way off the rails.

- So? What did you do? - Well, you name it.

- No, you name it. What did you do? - Well...

- Yeah? - What, you want me to write you a list?

Yeah.

OK, I, er... Well, I I- smoked cigarettes sometimes.

I wore skirts that were quite short.

- I went to the library and was really noisy. - Really (?)

No, not really. I was in real life for the first time.

No protectors. I went insane.

- Really? - Yeah. I was a retro-punk.

(ALL) Wow!

They always say the hardest part about leaving cyberspace

is realising the whole universe does not revolve around you.

Sure doesn't. It revolves around me.

- Absolutely. - No, I'm serious. Look at the evidence.

What evidence?

Take food. Until I bite into it, it has no taste.

Even when I know what I'm gonna say, never bores me.

- You and you alone. - And here's the clincher.

All of the interesting things that ever happened to me happened when I was in the room.

Coincidence? Get outta here!

According to my reckoning, we should be halfway across B-deck by now.

Boy, is this place hot! Satan could come here on his winter break!

Hang on. How come it's getting hotter when the generators have packed in?

It should be getting colder, shouldn't it?

Ma'am, that meteor storm you said we were heading towards, what direction was it in?

- Dead ahead. - Anything else in the vicinity?

- To the west, there is a sun, but that's it. - I think we've been knocked off course,

probably due to the initial impact of the generators going down.

I think we're heading straight into that sun! And it's all my fault!

- Kryten, man, it's not your fault. - It is!

It isn't! You were just adjusting the thermosettings and it overloaded.

I did it on purpose. I typed in the override code on the access panel in the corridor.

(ALL) What?!

I don't know what to say, I didn't realise it would be so dangerous!

- Kryten, man, what made you do it? - I really can't remember...

- What do you mean, you can't remember? - I'd really rather not say it out loud.

- It might sound a bit silly. - Say it.

I didn't want you to have a bath, ma'am.

Well, it would be one of those "no-clothes" baths, and Mr Lister would scrub your back,

and before we know what's going on, he's wearing clogs and you're having Gelfs round to dinner.

And what would happen to me? I'd have been on my own again!

- Oh, Kryten! - (WHINES) I was just so scared!

- Come on, we've got no time to waste, let's get the hell out of here. - But we're not going to make it, sir!

- We are! - How?

We're gonna catch some surf!

- OK, here it comes. - Tell me again, how do you hang ten?

Just get into position! Here it...

(EVERYONE SCREAMS)

(CRASH)

(SCREAMING)

Oh! Thank God we made it!

Oh, God!

(THUD)

How? How?

I, er... I, ah, er...

Oh.

Oh, that's it, we're fried, unless someone's got some really terrific sunblock cream.

Not necessary, ma'am. I excluded the doors from the shutdown override

- in case...(SQUEAKS) anything happened. - (DOOR HUMS)

You mean we spent the night crawling from one end of this ship to god knows where and back for absolutely no reason?

It was all pointless? You put me through that nightmare when we could just walk out that door at any moment?

Well, if you'd excuse we've got some serious reversing to do.

but we'll talk about this over a cup of coffee and a hot branding iron.

- well, night. - Aren't you mad, too, ma'am?

You're not, are you? I think I understand.

For you, the trek through the ducts was far from pointless.

It was an emotional journey where you gleaned invaluable insights into your crewmates.

This was your rites of passage.

You feel enriched, wiser and somehow bonded by this in a way that you never thought possible.

- Say "nureek". - Nureek.

- Say "rotut". - Rotut.

- Say "hernunger". - Hernunger.

- "Nureek." - Nureek.

- "Rotut." - Rotut.

- "Hernunger." - Hernunger.

- "Squelookle." - Squelookle.

- "Rotut." - Ooh! Rotut.

- "Nureek." - Ooh! Nureek.

- "Hernunger." - Hernunger.

"Squelookle. Nureek. Rotut..."

# It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere

# I'm all alone, more or less

# Let me fly far away from here

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun

# I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose

# Drinking fresh mango juice

# Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun #