Original subtitles

What was that?

Your heart's beating so hard.

It's because of all that strychnine that you - or that somebody

put into that dope.

Is that really what they did? Put strychnine in it?

Of course. That's what you hallucinate on.

Really? Isn't that poison?

Doesn't that kill you? Strychnine poisoning?

Well, all - all narcotics are poisonous.

That's why you have a reaction.

I can see the color of your blood.

What color is it?

Going through your vein.

It's dark red

You know, blood is really blue before it hits the air.

It's purple.

No. It's blue.

Well, it's blue-red. Right.

Is it pretty blue?

Yes, it's really blue.

My God! You're blue-veined...

My God you're an aristocrat.

But blood really is blue.

Oxygen turns it red.

Oh yeah?

However, the blood in this particular vein looks red to me.

(Louis) That's because I'm part Indian

Which part?

I'm a red-blood.

How much Indian?

My dad was half.

Are you as much Indian as Neil Williams?

Yes I am.

You are so funny.

Tell me something.

Did you really dig going into all those houses -

when we went around?

What houses?

In Long Island.

I think that was the cleverest trick I've ever -

that was a really clever trick.

Can you imagine?

We had that car, and we go out with $40 in our pocket

- and we went to all those houses.

Did you find any of them

that was worth - knocking off?

Stealing anything from?

Yes.

Which one?

The Dewdrop house.

What was in there?

A piece of shit.

A piece of shit!

And there was a statue there and you could tell that the sisters all hated it.

You know why? Because it had its mouth all puckered up like this.

And I wanted to say to them,

"You didn't like it when you were kids because of the obscene mouth."

"Even as a child, you knew obscenity."

But I didn't because I wanted to get in the house.

And he inherited all this stuff from his great uncle,

And every month he'd come with more and more beautiful antiques

And he'd bring it to his beloved,

And finally they found out that he was stealing them

Out of everybody's houses, and no one knew it was him-

You know, they had all been getting insurance

For thousands of dollars of antiques,

And then they found out it was him,

And the guy he was giving them to was so embarrassed,

He called everybody up to apologize

And they returned everything and she said:

"Of course everybody was terribly embarrassed"

"Because the insurance on the objects had been completely overvalued."

"They had been valued at hundreds of thousands of dollars"

"And they really had only been worth ten thousand or twenty thousand."

And they were terribly embarrassed.

And, uh, maybe we could do the same thing.

No. If somebody's done it,

I don't want to do it again, because then -

well, that would be kind of funny if we did it again.

But speaking about that kind of a situation, you know

That there's a friend of mine - when Franz Kline died -

- he ran over to his loft and asked the guy downstairs

If it was for rent, and the guy said,

"Well, you know..."

So they opened up the door and they found

Two small Franz Klines that Franz Kline had thrown away.

And so he grabbed them and put them underneath his shirt

And he walked out and the only problem was

That they weren't signed.

So, he still has them and he still wants to sell them.

Now, do you think we could sell them for him?

Do you?

Can you imagine being in that loft

Painting those paintings

And having to be sure that they're ready for the next show?

How would you like to do that?

You know, which you only get once a year.

Well, I'll tell you this -

Give me your mouth.

I'll make the words come out of your mouth.

Well I could tell you some more, but the problem is...

What's the problem?

The problem is, we don't know what to do.

I just felt how hot your skin is.

Hot?

Uh-huh. Maybe you have a fever.

Yeah. I'm burning up...

Pathetic is nothing.

Pathetic?! What's so pathetic about that?

That means we can't really do anything.

You know what I mean?

I don't know, no.

It means that we can't fake it.

Right.

Which is a drag.

Why?

Oh, don't give me that serious, philosophical-

No, what does it mean? Tell me.

It means -

They always know when you're faking it.

There's nothing wrong with that.

Well why should they?

Why shouldn't they?

When they don't deserve it.

Why don't they deserve it?

Because they're so nasty.

Not to me.

Well, everybody likes you.

That's not true.

Some guy tried to hit me the other night.

That was a drunk at a bar.

It doesn't make any difference -

Where the battlefield is.

No, really -

Don't get like Neil.

Am I? Do I remind you of him?

Well, that's -

"It doesn't make any difference where the battlefield is"

But that was supposed to be funny.

I thought you'd recognize that.

You shouldn't take that serious.

-ly.

-ly. Seriously. Excuse me.

There.

I'm going to sneeze again.

Go ahead.

I'll let you know. Before I sneeze.

Okay.

Oh isn't it awful

To have to sneeze and not be able to do it?

No.

There just aren't enough pollen grains coming in -

Just enough to tickle the nostrils, and then...

Don't you?

Oh yeah.

I mean, it just seems more -

It gives you something to -

(Viva): Rail about (Louis): Think about

A railing

Right

Which is good for the adrenaline.

Right.

Well, maybe we should discuss it out loud.

At the next commercial.

Oh yeah. The next commercial break.

I think we should tell them how we feel

At the next commercial break...

Well, the dream was exactly that-

I was caught in a movie, and I was walking down

And the movie was going and I stopped.

And when the star was coming by,

I made two turns to the left and two turns to the right

So they said, "Cuuuut!"

And the star comes over and says,

"Don't you ever do that to me."

And I said, "Do what?"

And she said, "All right, let's go."

She said, "Don't ever do that to me,"

And you said "Do what?" and she said "All right, let's go?"

Just like that?

Well, she understood and I understood -

Well, what did you do to her in the first place?

I upstaged her.

Oh, oh, oh. I thought you were the male star.

No.

Oh, you mean you just walked in front of her

And she said, "Mm-mmm,"

And you said, "All right, let's go."

Right.

So, there you go again.

So?

So.

So they took me up and I had to audition

For a bigger part in the movie, so I walked out on the stage,

And the guy had the bright light shining right in my face,

And I stood out there and I walked down there,

And he said - like he says - wait - he says,

"ALL RIGHT, NOW DO A PIECE."

I said, "Do a piece? Do a piece of what?"

So he says, "Shakespeare."

So I says,

"Oh-for-a-muse-of-fire-that-would astound-"

"My very being for being up here"

"And doing this in front of EV-ER-Y-one."

"And I should never speak to no man"

"Before my cares and care not,"

"For I can't do anything but what I'm doing."

"AND GOD - ME - EVERYTHING - GRACE GOD BE INVOLVED"

"AND TO THE LEFT FORWARRRRRRR-"

Maaaarch.

And I walked off the stage

And the director walked over to me and he says,

"That's the same kind of bullshit you did"

"In Ballad of the Sad Cafe."

"You walked out on that goddamn stage"

"And you swished around on that goddamn stage -"

"- That's the same - No, we can't use you."

Really?

So what did you say to him? What did you do to him?

I said to him, I says, "Buy Lifebuoy Soap."

Ohhh, it was a dreammm.

I forgot all about that it was a dream.

I thought that it really had happened.

And you said, "Buy Lifebuoy Soap."

Did you - do you want to hear what I dreamt last night?

You told me, but go ahead. Tell me again.

Mm-mmm. How can I tell you again.

Go on.

Oh really? Got a cigarette?

No, I can get you one, though.

A real cigarette.

Not - not that awful marijuana. Mary-ja-wanna.

You want a real cigarette? You want one?

A real cigarette.

A real honest-to-goodness cancer-producing tobacco-infested--

Oh yes.

-that nobody disapproves of. Right?

I do. I don't smoke.

Neither do I.

But I just decided that I want a cigarette. I gave it up, but --

Did you read about that guy giving a testimony for cancer?

There must be a cigarette around here some place.

Did you read about that guy?

Go ahead. Don't tell me before I get my cigarette,

And then you can tell me while I'm smoking.

...this kid is fifteen years old, now, and he's shooting junk -

- shooting heroin - and he comes over the other night,

And heroin addicts always put their hands inside,

and he's fifteen years old and he's standing in my doorway -

"Gimme some tie, man. Hey man, you got any string"

"Or a rubber band that I can tie my works up with?"

And I said, "You can't come into my house like that."

He says, "No man, c'mon, Louie, please,"

"Lemme do it, man. Lemme do it. I just wanna -"

"-man, I just wanna-" I says, "HEY."

"You can't come into my house like that."

ARE YOU LISTENING TO THIS?

Mm-hmm. I heard every word.

" 'Hey, hey c'mon and do this. Hey, man.' and I said,"

" 'Hey, you can't come into my house like this and do this.' "

"Are you listening to this?" Right?

Mm-hmm.

Okay, then a continuum-

Well, so then I just, uh, asked him to, uh, leave.

Asked who to leave?

I gave him a dollar so that they could go

Buy another bag of dope --

-- And to leave.

Why don't you ask everybody in here to leave?

All the ghosts.

All the ghosts?

Mm-hmm. Exorcise the ghosts...

I'm getting too old.

I save my energy to try to preserve

Whatever fading youth I have left.

And I feel that I've done enough battles.

Now let the rest of them do it.

Well --

I'm not going to do more than my share,

And if it turns out lousy, it turns out lousy.

"When do I count the clock that tells time? /"

"And see the brave days sunk in hideous night /"

"When I behold my violent past time /"

"And silver sage all covered over with vine /"

"When last do I count the leaves"

"Fallen from the branches which earth did eat /"

"Can it be the heat the hurt?"

Whaaat?

..."The hurt the heat"?...

...And I jumped off the stage, and I said,

"That's it."

And then that was that.

How was that?

You hear that wind? What is that?

It sounds like an air lung

Air lung? It's the traffic...

Do you know that some people can't sleep if there's no noise?

Do you remember the girl who couldn't sleep that time,

And they had to put the dehumidifier upstairs in her room

So that there would be noise.

I don't remember that.

Oh, well, you slept downstairs...

Brigid poured a glass of babyfood all over me at her sister's apartment -

- At Chrissy's apartmnet. She was so up there that she said,

"Give me that." And I gave it to her

And she lifted her hand like when she shot that water pistol

Out the taxi window at the woman

And they put her in jail because Khrushchev was in town

And they thought she was going to assassinate him

Because she had a water pistol,

And her lawyer told her to say that her arms were

Causing her hands to swerve causing the gun to go off...

Well, her arms were causing her hands to cause

Pear babyfood to go all over me --

(Louis) Oh no.

And she immediately said,

"I DIDN'T DO IT. I DIDN'T DO IT."

And then I didn't get mad.

I just quietly wiped it off and then she got all upset

Because I didn't get mad.

And then she said,

"Come on, let's go."

I'm going to sneeze again.

What's the matter? How come you don't have the energy?

You were probably out fucking last night.

No I wasn't.

Don't lie to me. How about David?

Don't use that name on the - on the -

David....

What is this in the Book of Love? What part?

Which book of love?

I don't feel like I could die.

No, I don't think you could die either.

I really don't.

I know you don't.

Like Archie didn't think he could get busted because he was so good.

Busted!

"God protects the Good," he said.

Oh you're so haaaaaht.

Tell me that, uh,

What part of the Book of Love this comes from.

I don't know

All I remember in the Book of Love is about fingernail scratches,

And what kind of a shape to make to mean a certain thing.

A cloverleaf means one thing, a square means something else,

A diamond means something else.

And then there's also the level of the scratches.

Did you know that?

That's how they - they brag about their, you know -

The ardor of the passion of their lovers

By how deep the scratches are on their body.

Do you know that I've had athlete's foot

Between my little toe and my fourth toe since 1958?

Great! Since '58.

'59.

From French whores walking along the boardwalk in their

Bare feet.

I think Pam gave it to me.

Nooooo.

Gee, that McCarthy poster is still up.

And it's all over and there it is.

What happened?

It really happened didn't it?

Why do they still have the posters up?

Did what really happen?

Like that whole Chicago thing?

Did that really happen?

Yeah it really happened,

And I called the White House to complain.

What did they say?

They switched me over to the CIA.

They didn't think I knew, but I knew it.

I told them my name and my address, and they said -

- They were very scared.

I don't think anyone ever called them...

Should we call the White House again right now?

I'm a magician.

I didn't see you do that.

Well, rather than have you undress me totally,

I thought, well, I might as well undress myself,

And I just threw them off immediately.

I can't wear pants.

It's impolite.

You're so hot.

I know. It used to be better than hot.

Yes.

Why?

Because I was -

I don't know.

Maybe I'm in the wrong businesss.

You mean - selling love?

Yeah.

Do you think love is, like, gone forever?

Huh?

No.

Do you think that you've - read too much?

No.

Then what is it?

Why do you want to give up on love?

Hm?

Ohhh.

What are you fighting so hard for?

(Viva) I knowwww...

What are you fighting so hard for?

You D.A.R.

Do you think I should join the Daughters of the American Revolution?

You just said you wanted to...

Just to tell that old bitch off out there in Long Island.

Oh, I heard a faaaaabulous story last night.

Just fabulous. About this radio program "The Shadow"

And how they always did it live,

And one day the actor that always played the Shadow couldn't-

- was sick - he had laryngitis - and his stand-in was also sick

And in those days radio never had any Negroes -

And the Negro characters were played by white people,

So they knew this one actor could really imitate him

And he was a Negro nightclub comedian and he said,

Yes, he'd be very glad to do it,

And he went through the entire program without a hitch,

And when they say,

"And who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men..." You know?

(Louis) Mmm-hmm.

Remember that on the radio? Then he said,

"Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men?"

"De Shadow do."

"De Shadow do."

"De Shadow do."

And it really happened.

I remember that.

I remember who told me -

No, wait. I don't remember who told me.

You don't?

Will you unzip me?

Yeah.

Who told me...?

Oh, you have a jumpsuit on...

Come on.

I forgot my underpants.

How could you do a thing like that?

I'll give you mine.

Okay.

Look at this rash on my legs.

Do you know what it came from?

I just noticed it this morning.

Look at my knees.

GET OUT OF HERE. GET OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW.

When?

And she said, "I don't think I can fuuuuuck."

And I said, "That don't make any difference,"

Because I was drunk and horny, and I says,

"Get over, woman. Just keep your legs open."

And we started Making Love.

And the next morning I said to myself,

"What did I do that forrrr? What did I do that for..."

(Viva) I remember, I remember.

I slept with a girl with gonorrhea.

Because I had done that once.

This chick teased me so much - she had me so hot -

That every time I walked by her - and she stood there naked

Next to the bed while I was fixing it

And when we got into bed she says, "I have gonorrhea."

...Are you the one that gave me gonorrhea?

Not me! No -

No, I never had it. Wait a minute.

I'll tell you exactly what happened.

This horrible creepy film-maker came to me

And told me I gave him gonorrhea. And I said,

"How could I have given you gonorrhea? I don't have gonorrhea."

"You must have slept with somebody else."

And he swore to me that I was the only person

He'd slept with in two months.

So I immediately went to the doctor who said,

"You're crazy. You don't have gonorrhea."

And that was the day after, remember.

And it turned out that the film-maker -

- Somebody else had given it to him,

So I never spoke to him again.

Never again?

Never spoke to him again...because he lied to me.

Well, I did that to a chick.

Really?

Never spoke to her again for about seven months.

(Viva) This is a good reel.

And then she came up to me and she says,

"I wish you'd talk to me." I says,

"How could you?" I said,

"I came up there and I was the last one to arrive at"

"This - this - place." And she knew and

She came over to me and propositioned me. I said,

"How could you do that knowing you had gonorrhea?"

"How could you proposition me?" She says,

"It was easy." And so she gave me the clap,

And I had to go have those shots every day

And I kept drinking and the shots wouldn't work

Because I kept drinking.

It hurts.

The blouse does?

Between my legs.

Well, it's in your crotch.

That was more than a year ago...

Ohhhh,

My crotch is killing me...this material....

Okay, put your...

(Louis) Hold my hand.

Alley-oop...Alley-oo-ooo-ooop

I could have gotten you much higher

If it hadn't been for my crotch.

(Louis) You're much stronger.

Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Well, what do you do about it?

Get up a minute. Ohhh it's killing me.

Take it awwwwfff.

Well, you can ride a horse really good,

You can do almost anything.

You're really athletic. Did you do a lot of sports?

Mmmm.

What?

Polo?

Tennis, golf, skiing, ping-pong, croquet,

Swimming, diving, water-skiing...

Now, with one hand...

Huh?

I'm not going to suck your cock.

Why? Don't you like to?

No. I think it's boring.

Yeah, well you just don't know how, because

I remember one time you did it and you said,

"Okay, that's it."

You just took it out of your mouth and said,

"That's it." And I said, "That's it??? That's what?"

You said, "Well, that's it. This is boring."

You said, "This is really boring."

And I said,

"Well..."

How come you're so clammy?

This apartment is - really -

- Really -

- Really what?

I wish I had some leotards on.

Why?

So you could exercise?

So I'd look sexier.

You do look sexy.

You look as sexy as a - heifer.

Aw, yer jes sayin' that to me, Jed, cause you wanna

Take advantage of my honor - ma virtue...

What did you do when you were

About - twenty-one?

What were you doing?

That's when I really got involved in sex.

With whores.

That's the first time I ever realized

That you could actually go out and get it.

You can actually just -

And I went out.

How many girls have you balled?

Ohh, God...maybe two hundred and fifty.

Reeeeally? That's not very many.

Well, I'm only -

Thirty-one.

Please...

Thirty-three.

You're older than that...

Oh, I got my driver's license.

What did they say?

I've got it.

Yeah, you must have-

Oh, get that old - thing - out of my face.

What thing?

That-

Oh, that thing.

What were we talking about?

We were talking about how many girls I've balled.

Your age. That's what we were talking about.

Not my age. We're not going to talk about that.

Just - straighten out and talk to me.

Lie flat on top of me.

Well, I know one thing...I know:

"I got the G.I. Jive."

What's that?

That's as far as I can remember.

Gonorrhea?

Gonorrhea!

The G.I. Jives!

"I got the G.I. Jives... Man alives..."

Maybe we should get married.

Yeah.

And then I would be able to stop proposing to other people.

Well, why would you do that?

I don't know. It gives you something to talk about.

I proposed to two different men last week,

And they both said, "Maybe."

I'm really sorry you got a suntan last summer.

I'm afraid I'm doomed

To be-

Where are you going to?

- Always a Mistress and never a Mrs.

I missed. The boat.

Where did all these black-and-blue marks come from?

On my right thigh.

They're probably from falling down

And kissing those two girls in the bar the other night.

Don't you ever do that again.

I mean, that was humiliating.

I was never so humiliated in my whole life.

Standing there at the bar while you were over there

(Viva) Well, that's because the bartender-

Kissing those two girls.

Well, that's because

(Louis) And one of them was my date.

That's because the bartender wouldn't let

Neil kiss you

And I went and I grabbed Ingrid and Brigid and kissed them

And necked them

And fell on the floor and he didn't do a thing,

So I said, "I demand equal rights for women."

"Make me stop, too. You closet-queen-faggot-phony..."

That is really sexy...

That's really sexy.

You should get two of them...

...And put them across...

That's really sexy.

It feels good, too.

Your nipple looks like a - a dried apricot...

Smashed down like that. Well, look at it...

It's delicious...

It really excites you too, huh?

You really get excited.

How come you never want to - foreplay?

Do you remember the last time we made love?

What?

The last time we made love she said -

She had the nerve - the nerve...the gall to say-

To tell me, you know, "Oh," she says,

"Are you going to do that?"

"Are you going to stick that thing in me like that???"

I said - and I said, "No, not..."

...Heat.

Hot...hot and damp.

...The oven.

You mean gassy.

Hahaha.

You have to take your blouse off...

I'll take my socks off.

What have you got your sahahahcks on for, anyway?

They were just on my foot and I was so anxious...

I didn't have time to take them off. I didn't want you to say no.

Too bad it didn't go all the way, like, down.

The crack of your ass.

It would have been nice.

Un-zipped your - like a butterfly.

You look like a butterfly.

Molding.

Hahahaha.

Molting. Not molding.

Hahahaha.

Oh, you said "molding" on purpose!

What difference does it make?

As long as...

How about just leaving that off right like that. That's beautiful.

Hahahaha.

That's beautiful. Why do you hide yourself?

So everybody can't see...

The ghosts.

Oh, I'm so sorry you got suntanned.

Your skin's beautiful when it's all white like this.

I still have a suntan.

I know.

Yellow.

Yeah - Chinese -

Wait a minute - did you use iodine and baby oil?

Mm-hmm.

That always turns your skin yellow.

It takes months for it to go away.

Neil says it doesn't dye it - it opens up the pores.

Oh. Neil says that?

Yes. He's so full of shit.

Why do you -

Why do I what?

Hey, are you nervous? Huh? Are you tense?

No.

What?

No, I just - thought I'd freak out.

Nooo...Get soft...

Be soft so I can make love to you...

Soft...

Like an angel.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Erhhhhhohhhhhhh

WOHHHH.

Remember when you had that baby suck on your breast?

Yeah.

Didn't you think it was beautiful? I got so horny.

You did?

Oh, I got such a hard-on

When that baby was sucking on your breast.

Reeeally?

Oh yeah. It was sensational. I just loved that -

I even dug the parents' letting you use their baby.

And so they just...

You said to them,

"Go ahead. Give the baby a tit. It doesn't belong to anybody."

Hahaha.

Did I say that? I must have been crazy.

In front of the parents.

I must have been crazy.

You said, "It doesn't belong to anybody."

I must have been crazy.

So I said to the judge,

"Can I give your baby a tit?" He said, "Go ahead.

Here comes the judge...

Is that your stomach or mine?

I don't know. I don't know whose stomach it is.

I won't be rough. Like I was last time...

Was I rough last time?

Yes.

The last time. You were terrible...

Be like you were the time before the last time.

The time before the last time?

I can't remember back that far.

Oh, you liar.

No I can't. Where were we?

Out on Long Island.

Long Island?

Mm-hmm.

There were two nights in a row.

There was? No there wasn't.

Yes, there were.

Uh-uh. Just one night.

No, two.

The first night. The second night I fell asleep.

Oh. Well be like you were the first half of the first night...

Let me take off your pants.

Do you think I should?

Well, certainly not if you can't get a hard-on.

Yeah, but you're going to do that.

You're going to make it hard.

Because you know how.

No, I'm not. I'm going to take a sunbath.

A sunbath!

Mm-hmm.

How disgusting...

You don't think it's disgusting.

Right in front of this - lens! How could you do that?

You can't see anything.

Turn over.

Both of us?

No, just you.

Turn over.

Turn OVER.

Which way? Oh, this way?

On your hip.

Like that?

You're so-

You're such an exhibitionist.

Why? What's wrong?

We don't want to see your ugly cock and balls.

We just want to see...

Smooth, pure skin.

Well, who's "we"?

"Us."

Me and you?

Hahaha.

There ain't nobody here but us...

How could you..

I'm gonna fuhhhck you.

HAHAHAHA.

Just like a cowboy.

Isn't that exciting?

I keep trying to, but what happens?

Get up...get up.

-feels so good...

You mean -

- In my humor? How could I possibly be romantic?

You're not romantic. Enough.

You mean - in my humor?

How could I possibly be romantic?

Your humor isn't romantic...

How can you even show that when it's not hard?

Why not? It's natural.

It should be hid.

You can't see it.

Well, it should be hidden.

Why?

When it's not hard. It looks unnatural.

Have you ever seen a Greek Statue without-

With a hard-on?

Why did they all have hard-ons?

Because it was considered - comic.

Really?

Sure. In the Greek theater when the guys came out

With hard-ons everybody used to laugh.

They used to get 'em too.

They used to come out and it was called a joke.

If you get a hard-on.

There's nothing funnier than to see a man walking with a hard-on...

Back and forth... and everybody used to laugh.

So, I'm being very romantic.

Didn't they put the fake ones on?

No!

Hahahahahaha.

Well I figure, what else could you do?

Well, isn't that what we do?

Hahaha.

Huh? When we make love don't we play with each other -

-play with ourselves?

Ow! Ow!

How could you do that?

You did it.

Ohhhh, my bone.

Now who could that be?

Another boyfriend! How dare you!

Nooo, no no...

WHO IS IT?

I think it is another boyfriend.

Who could it be?

Oh, it's a nobody. It's a mistake...

Do more talking?

Mm-hmm.

It's alright...I can do it for two...

Can't we only jump in?

We're doing so poorly.

Who's doing so poorly?

I haven't even started yet.

How could you say that?

I'm sorry.

Why? Cause you're not ecstatic?

You have yellow jaundice.

Really. You're gonna come out yellow.

It's fading tan...

Yes, it does...

Hahahahaha...

We should change positions.

Maybe we should give them a profile...

I wish you'd get harder.

Than what?

Boy, you sure are loose.

Now what's wrong with that! There's nothing wrong with that.

How come girls take it as such an offense -

- Like when you say to a man he has a small cock.

They get upset. Why?

I'm going to give you a baby...

I'm going to give you a baby.

All right? Wouldn't that be great?

You with a baby?

How does it feel - to be on your own?

How come you're pushing out?

We should have organized orgasms.

We should have organized orgasms.

Everything should be planned.

Slippin' and slidin'...

That's what they call it...

Persperation...

On the concrete pavements...

Sitting down...

...big long tube you could put in your mouth...

...your skin...construction rose...

...Drilling in a ditch...

What did they do before there were dentists?

Louie?

Hm?

What did they do before there were dentists?

They used to tie their teeth to a string,

Tie it to a doorknob, slam the door...

They used to take chisels and knock them out...

A man would pull his own tooth.

And they all ended up without any teeth?

That's right.

Oh, how awful...

Oh, it's so hot.

The next thing it's going to be is it's going to be cold,

So you might as well call this an autumn sweat.

Your eyes are all bloodshot.

...all the poison...

...gone, vanished, into the night...

We can't go on like this. Hittin 'n missin...

Either you have to say yes or I'm gonna have to say no

So do you.

It's different. I'm a man...

What did you do last night?

Are you still picking people up off the streets?

Mm-hmm.

Huh?

Mm-hmm.

Have you ever thought of...?

Only once.

That's fabulous. I would like for somebody

To pick me right up off the streets and take me to their house.

You know I never pick people up off the streets.

You have.

I'm - Name one.

Who have I ever picked up off the streets?

I've seen you.

Oh you're such a liar. Who?

Haven't you picked up -

I've never picked up anybody off the street - or in a bar.

Come on. That's your specialty.

The only ones I ever picked up in a bar

Were those recommended by Taylor Mead.

Taylor Mead!

And they all turned out to be terrible.

Every one of Taylor's recommendations.

So I quit doing it...

Beauty...beauty, beauty...

Yeah. Exactly. They were beauties. They were just - they weren't like...

Who, me?

Knowledgable, warm, sympathetic...

Of course.

...loving...

Of course...

That's all I wanna do is sex.

Sex, sex...

Did I tell you about those cops?

Did I tell you about those cops

That tried to arrest me for not wearing a brassiere?

No. What happened? Where? In California?

No. That was another time. In East Hampshire.

I was walking down the street in my red crocheted sweater

With the holes about that big...

And no bra, and I noticed this cop -

I noticed this cop going like this.

Looking right at you like that?

Because I had bare feet and frizzy hair...

The hair really does it. Anyway, he said,

"Young lady, wait a minute, wait a minute."

"You can't walk around here looking like that."

And I said, "Why not?"

And then I caught on and I said, "Looking like what?"

And he said, "Walking around like that with nothing on."

And I said, "Nobody wears a brassiere anymore."

And he said, "But they don't wear shirts with holes in them."

And I said that was ridiculous and I was leaving to walk away,

And he said, "Wait a minute! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait right there!"

And three cops pulled up in a squad car

And got out and surrounded me.

And they said, "Do you have any I.D.?"

And I said, "No. I never carry I.D."

"She doesn't have any I.D.?"

"She doesn't have any I.D.!"

"You don't have any I.D.!"

And I said, "Where am I going to put my I.D.? In my brassiere?"

So that's really tellin' 'em.

Do you want to hear the rest?

Yeah.

So I said, um - what did I say? I said...

You said...

Uh...

In my brassiere...

Oh. Then I said,

"If-you-lay-a finger on me...if you try to put me in jail,

You will be sooooo sorrrry.

When I get finished with you, you won't know what hit you."

So that he'd think I was the mayor's daughter or something.

And then the other one said - the other cop said,

"I think there's a village ordinance against that kind of thing."

And I said, "You think."

"You think."

"You think there's a village ordinance."

"You'd better find out just what your village ordinances are

Before you start picking up strange people.

And I'm getting in my car and I'm going home,

And you'd better not follow me.

Come, Maria. Let's go"

And they just stood there. They were young, too.

About twenty-five...

So we went to the Quiet Clam and I was...

...getting out of the car and I still didn't

Have a brassiere on, either, and by that time

I had put on my cowboy jacket and the little boys got so turned on

- They said, "Oh really? You're not wearing a brassiere?

Oh, fabulous. Oh, let's see. Oh, that looks great.

Wait. Wait for our father."

And they ran and Maria and I had sat down

And they brought their father in - coming around

The plate glass window looking through and trying to see if -

And the father was a queer.

And then it's an honor to go and serve their country

In Viet-Nam by killing people.

You know, "If you're good enough, the army wants you."

If you're good enough.

If you're good enough.

-To come over and kill, but if-

Do you realize that most of the policemen

Are now trying to join the fire department?

Why?

Because they're starting to shoot the police.

But they're starting to shoot the firemen, too.

Well they have a better chance because

They don't necessarily have to be, you know,

Like, positioned in one of those districts

Where they do throw bricks and shoot at them.

"Uncle Sam Wants You"

- if You're... Good... Enough.

If you're good enough. If you're not good enough what do they do?

Hit you on the head? Spank you a little bit?

In front of the public?

Well, I'm glad I'm not in the Army, and that's for sure.

Over in Viet-Nam. I wouldn't want to be a general.

I really wouldn't. Napoleon-

...A situation where I can just live my life,

And I don't want to have to - you know, I read something today -

You know Jules Feiffer?

Mm-hmm.

He had a cartoon and it had these kind of three young hip people.

You know? And, uh, these hip people are standing there

And one of them's saying, "Well, I'm not going to war - to Viet-Nam."

And the other one says, "I'm just going to drop out."

Next says, "No, you know, I'm going to start, like,

Fighting in the streets and killing everybody

And join guerrilla warfare.'

And they finally just got down to deciding that

They really couldn't do that, and they decided

That the only thing they could do was not vote.

And you know, I haven't been voting since I was twenty-one,

And Adlai Stevenson lost and I lost and I knew

I was being cheated, so I just quit voting. I don't ever vote again.

And I won't vote. So now Feiffer's saying not to vote.

"Just don't vote."

"Just don't vote."

Well, get everybody not to vote - not to participate.

Besides, I mean, it's so ridiculous, you know.

I mean, even Mayor Lindsay - what a drag.

I had so much hope for him, and he just, you know,

Like, started backing Nixon.

Now, how can he back Nixon?

Who?

And then let's do the other thing. Um, I mean,

I want to tell you about these eight businessmen in the restaurant.

I was having dinner with them and they were talking

About politics and I said how rotten they all were

And then I said - they said - "Who are you voting for?"

And I said, "I don't vote.

When Kennedy died, I just lost all interest in politics."

Well, I didn't vote for John F. Kennedy. I mean, I didn't.

I was for Nixon at that time.

So was I, because my mother was a John Bircher

And she brainwashed me.

What's wrong?

Nothing. But listen.

"How can you be for the Kennedys if you're against politicians?"

And I said, "When you're dealing with a pigsty,

You don't look for a thoroughbred horse.

You look for the plumpest, juiciest pig

That looks like he'd be the most delicious to eat.

And they were the best of the bunch.

And besides, politics is so old-fashioned."

And they said, "Well what's next?" And I said,

"You can't tell me what's next because you can't imagine -

- You know - you can't imagine what the alternatives are

Until they're there.

How can you think of a solution

When you don't even know what the problem will be?"

Yeah. Other things will happen.

I mean, this war - they really want to get out of it.

Someone told me that he worked for the U.N. ten years ago,

And he took down all the dialogues between Dean Rusk

And all the other men who are now in the State Department.

Dean Rusk was one of them, and the rest were all, you know -

Moved into the State Department with Dean Rusk

When Jack Kennedy became president.

But he was there during the Eisenhower administration,

And every single night they had dinner and coffee

To discuss Viet Nam,

And the big problem was, uh, could they win or not.

They pointed to guys in the Navy and they said,

"Can the Navy take care of Asia?" And he said,

And he said, "Nobody can beat the Navy in Asia"

- or Southeast Asia - wherever the hell it is.

"Nobody can beat the Navy. The Navy can control the coast completely."

And then they said to the Air Force guy,

"What about the Air Force?"

He said, "Nobody can touch us.

We're the best around. Nobody can touch us."

They said to the infantrymen - the Army men -

"What about the infantry?" He said that General MacArthur said -

I always said General MacArthur was the best man we've had -

"If you go into Asia in an infantry situation,

You will never win unless you use tactical atomic weapons" -

Which are atomic bullets, atomic hand grenades and so on.

So for one solid year they discussed this -

Whether or not they could use -

- my God! Lookit. Something bit me in the finger.

Look at that - whether or not they could use tactical...

...Ten years later they're still trying to decide

Whether we should use atomic weapons.

They say we can't use atomic bullets

Because then we'll start using atomic grenades,

And this, that, and the other thing.

No one's used the atomic bomb since Hiroshima...

Right. So instead they have to resort to chemical warfare.

They could work on their chemicals.

I really believe that, you know

Science is beginning to control our lives more and more,

And there shouldn't be this big push for, you know,

Scientists, because they really don't care about life, you know.

But I know an Italian physicist who was working

At the Stanford Linear and Nuclear Accelerator Center

And he said that there were the good guys and the bad guys,

And the good scientists

Were trying to prevent an atomic explosion.

Oh yeah, well, that was brought up in -

Didn't I already talk about that in a movie?

-in the Machine and Modern War.

Didn't I already talk about that in a movie?

I don't know.

You might have. I can't remember what you've done before.

What do you suppose bit me? Look at my knuckle.

Probably a crab.

No...stop...

That was nice. Do it again.

But don't hit me in the balls.

Where?

Right down there.

My God, it swelled up.

Yes, it's all swolen up.

It was a bee. I see the stinger.

No, let me see.

Where did it come from?

Are there any bugs in here?

Now let me see...

The stinger.

I took it out.

You took it out?

It's hot. It's still swolen.

Yeah. It's really poisonous.

Once I woke up in the middle of the night with my lip swelling -

- in Boston - I lived in this hovel in Boston -

- It was so hot we were sleeping on the roof on the air mattresses,

And the air mattresses all had holes in them

And they kept going down in the middle of the night -

- And I woke up with my lip out to here

And I thought it was just going to burst,

So I called the police

And they took me to the hospital in a police car.

They gave me a shot.

Remember the St. Valentine's Day Massacre?

Ah, yeah.

And the girl ran out of the cellar and escaped

And she doesn't know what happened to them -

- And this really happened in Chicago.

So I was telling these men and one of them said to me,

"Now wait a minute. Wait a minute.

First you, uh, mentioned Eugene McCarthy supporters.

Then you mentioned the New York Post.

Then you mentioned, I guess, Jimmy Breslin.

Aaaaall these left-wing-"

I said,

"Let's get one thing straight" -

- My mother thinks The New York Times is left-wing -

"Let's get one thing straight.

I can't stand the New York Post and I never could.

Left-wing! Why, it's downright reactionary.

I consider the Communists too conservative.

I want to set the record straight right now:

I am an anarchist and a radical.

From Radcliffe.

And from then on I didn't have any trouble with them.

They just didn't talk to me.

I concentrated everything on the man to my left.

He said, "Young people -

This generation is the most idealistic generation"

- All this shit, and I said, "How do we know? How do I know?

I wasn't in the other generation. Maybe they're all the same."

And uh, and uh, he was trying to make, you know -

- Tell me how he was so idealistic

And so this and so that, and I told him I wasn't idealistic at all -

- I didn't care about anything -

- All I wanted to do was make money.

I really confused him. I denied everything, and then

I talked as though I was such a pure, lily-white idealist, you know -

Uh-huh.

But I was being modest.

Oh, God,

He almost came in his chair...

While he was eating his Chateaubriand steak he almost came.

I bit my tongue. I bit it.

How did you bite it? Oh put it back.

I was chewing a piece of meat,

And I got it mixed up, you know how -

Why don't you chew on a piece of cunt?

Chew on your cunt! What a terrible thing to say!

Hahahahaha.

Go ahead. Give it a chew.

Why don't I - pull the shades down.

Mmmmm.

If I pull the shades down it'll be...

If you pull the shades down will you give me a chew?

I want you to do what you promised you were going to do.

What was it I promised you I was going to do? Blow you?

Yeah.

This is Phase Three.

Wait a minute - don't put your hand -

Because - it gets hot and sweaty and -

Oh, but I'm getting the rest of the -

I know, but my whiskers have grown.

Ohhhhh.

And it hurts. Oh, wow, you look -

You look like you're all silver...

...Place wearing a lot of clothes and sitting up,

And that way you can take and open up things

And stick your hand in them.

Hahaha.

The other night Ingrid Superstar kept whispering in my ear

And telling me all these things and pretty soon I just reached down

And took my cock out underneath the table

And I put her hand on it - at Max's.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

And what did she do?

Well, people coming up talking to you.

Well, you know how Ingrid is.

She gets on something and she won't stop.

Hahaha. What did she do?

Hmmm?

What did she do...

...and you could not get his attention

Unless you went around to his end of the table

And grabbed him by the chin or whiskers.

...And they all

Lie naked

And meditate and take baths together.

I mean, you know, when I think of how much

I've been persecuted in life for touching people, you know,

By jealous lovers and everything else - persecuted.

I mean, I was so cruel and I was so this and so that,

And now people are spending a fortune to go to

Esalen in California to learn how to do it.

That shows you how times change.

That shows you - what it is to be twenty years ahead.

Of your time.

All it means is persecution and attack.

Oh...

This magazine is a piece of shit...

By Barbara Gobble. She's a piece of shit too...

...And the police all advancing and the demonstrators

With those ridiculous snorkel masks

Coming out of their nose like this - a pipe -

And those bayonets just like a surreal painting - a horror painting...

Yeah.

And, um, the tear gas going off, and so I called the White House

And I said, um, "This is Susan Hoffman." Somebody said,

"Tell them your name," and they said,

"WHO IS THIS!" And I said, "Miss Hoffman,"

And they said, "Tell them your other name," so I said,

"Viva, sometimes known as Viva, 58 East -"

Uh, gave them my address,

And, um, they said,

"Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

What do you want? What do you want?"

And meanwhile Barbara's standing there saying,

"Ask him who he is. Ask him who his superior commanding chief is.

Find out what his position is. Wait a minute. I'll do it myself."

In the meantime they said to me, "Wait.

We'll connect you with somebody else."

And for about fifteen seconds I heard all this

Clicking and clanking and telephones -

I knew I was being connected straight to the CIA.

So the other guy got on the phone and said,

"Hello. This is Bob Rufus" -

And I grabbed the phone and I said,

"Yes. His address is 12..

...0...

...7...

...San Diego ...

...Boulevard...

San Diego Boulevard? It was San, uh -

I know. I'm making up the address so that everybody won't know.

And, uh,

He also left a message and his message was,

"The inaudibility of the visible will be redeemed."

And my message was, "I am sick at heart over my television set,"

And I spelled out everything for them

In case they don't know how to spell,

And they said,

"We will try to get these messages to the president,"

And I said, "As a tax-paying citizen

Of this supposed great free land of ours,

And having voted for Mr. Johnson four years ago-"

Did you vote for Johnson?

Well, I didn't vote for Goldwater.

Oh.

I mean, I would have been better off voting for Goldwater.

At least he told us what he was going to do.

You shouldn't vote. Just drop out.

Oh, I'm never going to vote again.

Me neither. I'll never vote again.

Never. I will never vote again.

I will never vote again.

I will never register. I will never vote. I will never pay taxes.

I know. I'm going to try not to. I think it's ridiculous. You know?

I mean, who are we paying to?

The government keeps claiming a debt and we just keep paying.

What are we paying for?

Guns, bombs, missiles.

Well, I'm tired of - I'm not paying for any more -

We're paying to - we're paying taxes to see ourselves be obliterated.

Right.

We're paying destruction taxes.

We're paying to hasten our debts

And to hasten the extinction of the spieces.

So I'm not paying anymore.

Let them put me in jail. Let them put me in jail...

I'll make their lives so miserable.

I'll rap all day and all night at the top of my lungs.

I'll drive them crazy. They'll say,

"Get that woman out of here. My eardrums -

She's giving me a migraine headache."

I thought you would have been -

I thought really and truly that you would have been jailed by now.

How come you haven't been jailed?

Because I was brought up with policemen.

My father ran the police station,

And I always felt that they were servants.

And I treat them like servants.

Treat the police like servants, and they'll act like servants.

And that's what they are. Servants.

Yeah, I know, but I mean,

How would you like for your best friend to be called names?

Dirty names, and be spit upon,

And be handled like little rolls of toilet paper,

And have Oven-Off sprayed in your face?

Do you think anybody really sprayed Oven-Off in their faces?

Sure. They were being sprayed with Mace,

And then they just went out and got Oven-Off and...

...fumes.

Ohhhhh, that's your sweat running down my stomach.

I thought it was another bug.

I think you're right. I don't think they do have any feelings.

All they're concerned about is -

Oh, they must. They must.

No, they don't.

They must.

Then how could they create these chemicals and things like that?

For, like, defoliage. I mean, to ruin all that luscious greenery.

And think about the poor termite.

You know what the termite's job is to do?

It's to eat all that wood.

I mean, if termites are supposed to eat dead wood -

- You know - clear out the forest,

And then we go around killing termites with chemicals.

They don't know if that wood belongs to a house.

What do they know from that?

They just eat out dead wood.

They're really helpful.

Oh, I see...

...But why do they have to eat it?

Why can't it just be used as a fertilizer?

Because there was a time when - there was a time when it was needed.

All these dead trees - they had to make room for new ones.

Oh, I see.

You know a lot.

Where did you learn all these facts?

Television.

Really?

Really. I watch a lot of television.

This was a movie - a movie on insects.

This guy was spending his whole life - he was traveling around -

- You ought to see him catch a butterfly.

The butterfly was darting here and darting there and he had a little thing

And he'd pin the butterfly down and get ahold of it and make a picture,

You know - take a picture of him,

And then he would let it go and the butterfly would fly away.

And that's what the whole thing was about.

Getting insects and capturing them and photographing them.

If you had to be an insect, what kind of an insect would you be?

A praying mantis.

Whyyyy?

Because they're the most ferocious and they can -

They look like the surroundings.

They can be a twig, they can be a statue,

They can be a rock, they can be anything.

And they change - all different colors.

And then they just lie and wait. They never go anywhere.

Oh, is that what I saw on the East Hampton beach

That was the exact same color as the grass?

Yeah. Uh-huh.

And it was a beautiful, beautiful, bright green, and it even had,

You know, where the grass goes into the sand,

And it's sort of yellow and red...

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

...And it even had those markings on it...

You remember?

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah.

And I captured it and then I got - I didnt want to -

- I had to let it go becasue I didn't want it to - die.

Well, you're supposed to, because they're really helpful

Because they go out and eat all the insects that were -

And they just change color, no matter where they are...

They take on the surroundings, yeah.

They take on the surroundings. But they really look it.

Oh, how fantastic. I know it looked exactly -

- The exact color of the grass.

They're more flexible than a lizard.

Because they can become, like - they can become structures.

They can even lose their identity as a -

Oh, I see, I see...

...the machine that the guerillas have invented that's an antitank gun,

And it's so powerful that all the guys - it used to be in the Army

That the safest thing to do would be to get into the tank division,

Because you ride inside and they had nothing that could pierce it.

Now they got a little lightweight rocket

That two guys can carry and one guy can shoot, and it's just like -

And it's a portable rocket and they set it up

And they fire by hand this rocket that will go right through the tank,

And all those guys are scared now.

Maybe they'll get so scared that they'll refuse to go into the Army at all.

It doesn't seem to happen.

For some reason, you know, like, a lot of people are,

Dropping out like I dropped out.

I faked it - going into the service.

My leg...ohhh...

Why don't you have it -

What do you mean, you faked it?

Just like I said.

I went to, uh,

I went to, uh,

When I was fifteen, in high school they were preaching about the war so much

That it scared me,

Because they were becoming indifferent -

Like, the Marines would come in one week,

And the Navy would come in one week, so I said,

"I'll join the Navy," and I told the Navy guy -

I went up to his desk and I said, "I'd like to join the Navy."

And he said, "Well, you're too young,"

He says, "but what you can do if you get your father's permission

Is you can join the Naval Reserve."

And I said,

"Well, what would I benefit from joining the Naval Reserve?"

And he said, "Well, if you join the Naval Reserve

And go to meetings every week we'll teach you everything,

And by the time you get into the Navy -

The regular Navy - you'll only have to spend two years instead of four."

So you had to spend four years,

And then if you went in before you were seventeen

You only had to spend three years.

So, I got my father's consent and I used to go to those meetings,

And they finally took me down to San Diego for a two-week,,

You know, basic training,

And I got in there and I hated it so much - I couldn't stand it -

So when I came back I dropped out of the reserves,

And then, uh - and I moved away -

- And then since I dropped out of the reserves,

They never turned me over to the Draft Board,

So I didn't have to go into the service.

Then the war ended...

...Well, you know, anybody who had ever participated

Would always come back scared to death.

Really?

Yeah, really scared to death.

Neil.

All of them.

And they pretend to love it so much. Love war.

Who pretends to love war?

Oh, people do.

Well, who does that you know?

Um...

Dom? Dominic?

No, I mean, like, people that you just meet -

That you become, like, friends with,

And you ask them and they say that they really dug war life -

Being a warrior.

I know a boy who once said, "I wish" -

This was before the Viet-Nam thing got so big, years ago -

He said, "I wish we'd have another war

So that I could feel like I'm doing something."

Yeah, right.

That's what I mean - those kind of people.

They need to feel like they could accomplish -

In other words, they're in the...

It gives them a cause.

Like they want to -

A goal.

An existentialist form. Is that existentialism?

No. It's just the opposite.

Why?

Oh I guess the idea that they want - yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, they're existentialist types, that -

Right! Existence bores them.

They have to have some other thing that they can believe in.

Then they'll kill us all.

Well, what happens is they get hardening of the brain cells.

Afterwards...then they start little programs,

You know, like meeting in the woods on Sunday and we'll take practice shooting.

And they practice shoot, and one guy gets a stripe on the shoulder

And just happens to walk in with his old military garb on...

Ah-choo!

Gesundheit.

And, uh,

The military garb,

And then he becomes an officer -

Of a minuteman - a military - existence...

MILITARY IS OVER WITH. FINISHED.

Wars are OLD-FASHIONED.

To go to combat - is -

Passe.

- a waste. A total waste. For anybody to -

Tacky. Very tacky.

I mean, if we can't handle the world by now, where are we?

Right?

Right.

I feel like I can handle the world.

Why don't you run for president then?

I wanted to run for president.

What happened?

Nobody picked up on it.

I'll run next year.

But they're not voting - they're not doing it next year.

Well, they might have to -

Now you have to wait -

They might have to, with the two guys that're running.

This time they might have to have another election - immediately.

They'll probably both get shot, in the course of -

- before the election they'll get shot. Then you can run.

Well, if Agnew and Nixon fall in love, it might make a difference.

If they don't, they may carry that all the way through.

Ohhhh...

But, Humphrey - now I was willing to go out and put up a card table -

- Stand on a corner and collect money for Abbie Hoffman,

So that he could follow Hubert Humphrey around -

OW! GOD DAMN IT! What did you do that for?

What did you do that for?

Because I'm an existentialist. And I had to do something.

Well, don't hurt me.

I didn't know it was going to hurt you. I'm sorry.

It really hurts.

Ohh, let me give you a kiss.

Okay.

That's the way you like to kiss.

How?

You always kiss like...

...talk out loud...he's so paranoid...

Ohhh...

He's so paranoid.

Ohhh faaaaaabulous... that turns me on.

Rub yourself up and down against me a couple more times.

No, the whole body...

Wall-to-wall carpeting, head-to-toe...

I can't tell whether it's your political ideas or the sun turning me on.

I think it's the sun, cause you've never been in the sun long.

Your ideas are just - political.

You don't have to, because you've got a lot of fat...

Ummm.

It's all fat.

Ummm...

...in the air.

Ohhhh, I've been eating so much,

And if I don't gain weight I just get fat bumps, right?

No.

No?

It's like, in your system, when your system changes...

Again? You want a little sex?

Mmmmm-mmmmm.

You really are...

It's that...

Who has the best-looking breasts? You or your sister?

My sister's.

You know, you told me that once before.

Why?

I don't know...

I don't know.

I think I'll turn the TV on.

Okay...really?

Yep.

You don't want to play with me?

Yeah, but I want to hear some - sound.

Okay.

Turn it on.

I missed the fight.

The what?

The fight.

Oh, I hate fights. How can you watch them?

Should we put it up on the bed?

The TV? On the bed?

Yes.

I'm so hungry, Lou. Want some ice cream?

No more ice cream. We ate it all.

-and the winner leads the way...

...Humphrey...

...Here's the cowboy hat...

...The music...

..."Just Me and My Shadow"...

"Just Me and My Shadow"... Humphrey's song... fabulous...

They said Mr. Humphrey was going to lead off...

Oh, wow... that's Texas hat.

Oh, look at this...

...doing my research on the effects of gamma radiation...

...let's look again in slow motion...

And I forgot...

...outside the tackle...

...well, I-I suppose so...

...move forward to block the two receiving backs around the goal line...

...there's that great big open space and that's the second time he's got to do it...

...and now getting over the ball is Kip Kell

Who replaced that All-American Bob Johnson of Tennessee...

I'm exhausted...

51, 52, 53, 54...

I do?

No...

...say that...

David Bourdon...

What-

You're beautiful you're beautiful you're beautiful you're beautiful

You're beautiful you're beautiful

I love you I love you...

I LOVE you I-LOVE-YOU I love YOU I-love-you

I love you I love you I love you I love you -

With more feeling.

I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you...

I LOVE you I-LOVE-YOU I love YOU I-love-you I love you

I love you I love you I love you.

You're beautiful you're beautiful you're beautiful you're beautiful you're beautiful

You are beautiful you're beautiful you're beautiful you're beautiful

You're beautiful you're beautiful you're beautiful and I love you

I love you and you're beautiful you're beautiful I love you I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU

OOOOOooooo my eyes...

Are you crying?

...a bigger frying pan, Louie.

Well, that's what you get.

...ring a bell and ask. Otherwise, it's not going to be really great. The meal.

...impatient...

We should have a big pan...

Now we can put aaaallll the carrots in...

I think he's shooting the wrong way.

I think he's shooting in a complete - do you know?

HE THINKS YOU'RE SHOOTING THE WRONG WAY.

No, I don't. I didn't say that.

Yes, you did.

I just remembered that we just shot that one.

Which one?

I was looking at Fred. See how beautiful he is?

Everybody's beautiful when the light's on them in the right way.

I love you so much, Viva.

So much.

Then why are you married to someone else?

Is it Ensenada or Ensalada?

Enseneda.

Enseneda.

We'll open a restaurant in Ensenada. Just you and I.

You really want to do it? All we need is -

Oh, look at that big white boat.

Look at it. Look at it over there. Look look look.

Oh, I see it.

What is it? The good ship Hope?

No, the good ship Hope married a Tibetan Prince.

There was a ship called Hope that went around the world.

I remember. With a red cross thing changed into Hope Cook.

You're so pretty.

What did you say just then?

You really look pretty.

Thank you. How do you feel?

Good.

You really feel good?

I guess it was nice - to be fucked in the afternoon.

Yeah.

Wasn't that great? Huh?

Then you feel you don't have to go out looking for it at night.

You can relax and not -

Just turn it off

And I'll come in and do the rest. Okay?

You can go do the rest when I finish.

Okay. Can I go back in the kitchen?

The sun's gone down...

What's wrong?

It tastes awful.

Well, it's from you.

Oh oh oh.

It's from being inside you.

Go ahead. Get on it.

You're just a tease. You're just like that. Get down on it.

Come on.

Terrible. Eck.

Was it really that -

Horrible.

Go get a dish - dish - water full of - dishful of water.

I have to wash my mouth out.

Oh, it's worse than I've ever tasted in my life.

She just can't -

It's a fixation -

She can't do anything.

All that bluhhhhd. All that blood on it.

What blood? There's no blood...

Don't you ever have blood sausage?

What's it called? Bludvurst.

Bloodwurst.

Or something...

Take animal blood and stuff it into a - sock.

With gauze.

Blood stocking.

And then they let it get ripe and they freeze it,

Then they slice it off and eat it. They chill it.

"Until I come back here again..."

"Everybody knows, baby's got new clothes..."

...Especially in a bachelor's apartment. It's always like this.

I think we've got too much butter.

I think there's going to be too much butter.

It's going to be too greasy?

Yeah.

Greasy, greasy.

I'm making an awful lot

Because I want everybody to be - satisfied.

I'm glad I'm on a diet.

...Zucchini.

BLUK!

You don't like zucchini?

BLEHUK!

You don't like it?

What?

Zucchini.

I love zucchini.

Oh.

I don't like that No-Cal lemon Coke.

With maraschino cherry stuff in it.

Like that. See?

The whole thing in Japanese cooking is the cutting.

Is the cutting?

Mm-hmm.

What's in that?

This cutting board must be so dirty because I seem to be coming up with...

"Nobody feels any..."

You know, I should have done it -

Cut everything so that then I could have

Cooked the whole thing in ten minutes.

If you didn't have so much sex on your mind, you could have done it.

Nooooo.

Instead of coming up trying to catch me at the windows...

...And then we mix it up with the rice.

I want to eat this part of the onion.

I think it's the best part.

Oh, yeah...

...okay. Get the rest of that zucchini in there.

...tomatoes...

Well, that's just about it, huh?

How about the onions? Do they get sliced?

I just cut them into fours.

Four pieces.

How many will I give to each person?

Oh yeah, that's it...or something.

Heh-heh-heh!

Take my shoes off, will you?

Mmmmmm-mm-mmmmm.

Somebody should have taken a shower after they made love

Instead of before.

Well, that's silly.

What do you think of my foot?

It looks deformed.

Why are you taking the laces out of the shoes?

Because I'm stoned and can't tell the difference.

HAHAHAHA. You didn't even see that.

What?

Huh?

What?

Didn't I see?

What?

You missed that.

Whaaaat?

I went to all that trouble.

What do you have in store for me?

I did too see it. I said it looks deformed.

Yes, you did, but you didn't see.

Ohhhhhhohhhh.

Isn't it a pity that you have such a dumb wife?

What a thing to say.

What a thing to say.

But I thought she was dumb, too.

That's why I left her.

And I'm never going back to her.

She was stupid.

She hit me over the head with a bottle of wine one time.

I'm your wife.

No, you're just a -

- a piece of action.

Hahaha.

I thought I was supposed to be your wife in this movie.

What movie? There ain't no movie.

You think I'd do this in front of - in a movie?

Hahaha.

You're crazy.

My mammy would never let me do that.

...Wherever it's at.

Hahaha.

Like, we're not really hung up on clothes and material.

Yes, we are...

I can't keep up these long-term relationships.

Twenty-four-hour long-term relationships...

How about, uh, five hour...

This looks so ugly. You have such nice skin.

You should never get in the sun. It's bad for you.

You know that. I mean, people that get suntans -

- Sunworshipers - they're full of - shit.

What do you mean, it's ugly?

I didn't say you were ugly.

You're very pretty.

OHHHHHH.

"I love you just" -

-Oh-oh.

Did you clean your -

Did I clean my what?

What are you doing with the water?

How do you want it? Mild?

I like it hot.

I LIKE IT HOT.

I - Some Like It Hot.

Turn around.

I'll wash your back.

Did I show you my new blow technique?

What new blow technique?

Didn't I show you the new blow technique that I learned?

No.

Move back...

...Because I'm going to kneel down to show you the new blow technique.

I just washed it.

Yeah, but -

I bet they can't hear a word we're saying.

What difference does it make?

You have scratch marks on your back. What happened?

Your ass is all red...broken pimples.

Your pussy's wide open.

Huh?

Your pussy's wide open.

Is it?

Yeah.

Lick my cunt a little bit?

Huh?

Give me a little nibble?

Give you a little what?

A suck.

What was that thing you were going to do?

I will. I promise I will. I promise I will.

Just give me a little bit of a - oh.

No no no no no no no. No. I'm not in the mood.

"I'm not in the mood for love-"

"I'm not in the mood for love..."

"Simply because you're near me."

Oo! It's hot.

"I'm not in the mood for luu-uhv, simply because you're near me,

I'm not in the mood for love -"

"I'm not in the mood for love..."

"I'm not in the mood for love, darling,

Because you're near me,

My darling when you touch me, I'm not in the mood for luuuhhhv...

Somehow you turn me off..."

"Somehow you bring me down..."

"Down, down, down..."

"Down on meeeee."

"Honey, but when I'm near you..."

"I want you to go down on meeeeee."

"Down on you, up and down on you...

I've been down on you..."

"Down on me..."

You've never balled anybody in a movie before...

So you should give me a nice blow job...

...A special occasion...

...For the movie...

Why are you so white?

"I'm in the mood for love..."

Be romantic.

Lie down.

You call that a star? Hahaha.

Who calls what a star?

This is what you painted from your...

Right? They all look the same.

Honey from a flower.

Honey from a man.

What?

IS IT ON?

IS IT STILL ON?

IT'S ON?

IT'S ON? It's on.

"DOWN ON ME-E-E..."

HELP! LET ME OUT!

Ohhhhhhh let me OUT!

Ohhhh. You!

Where are you going? Sit down.

I can't seeeEEEEEE.

Let me out. Let me out!

I'm going to vomit.

subtitles by erik reeds