All language subtitles for The Gentle Touch s05e04 The Conference

Where did you pop up from?

Well, you keep away from me.

I'll scream. I'm warning you.

Get your clothes off.

What? Now.

Please. Please don't hurt me.

Get them off.

On second thoughts, that uniform's
eternal.

Lay on the bed.

Please. Down.

So, are you going to tell me what you're
doing here?

I've booked into this establishment.

This is my room.

You know, that uniform really is a turn
-on.

You can tell me what all this is about.

Later.

Well, two days have been on the
excessive side, hasn't it?

Now you look at it. What are we supposed
to learn we don't already know?

Think of it as a break from the old
routine.

All expenses paid.

Yeah.

Something wrong, Mr. Clay?

Something wrong, Miss Powell, something
wrong.

Yes, I should say there was something
wrong.

Something most definitely and
irrefutably wrong.

Oh, dear.

Is there anything I can do to help?

We live in a sick society, Miss Powell.

People are disgusting.

The people who stay in this hotel are
disgusting.

I hate them. I loathe them, Miss Powell.
No, you don't, Mr. Clay.

Just because you're upset.

No, I do. I do.

Have you any idea what is in this box?
Have you any idea?

No.

I wouldn't offend your sensibilities by
telling you.

Suffice it to say, a symbol of rampant
depravity.

Really? And what is worse, what I find
deeply offensive, is that the discovery

of this object by one of the
chambermaids has left her completely

Oh, dear. In that case, shouldn't you...
I mean, we do have a doctor staying.

She is hysterical with laughter, Miss
Powell.

Laughter.

I shall ask the porter to incinerate
this disgusting object forthwith.

I wouldn't have thought it was the sort
of thing Phillips had been invited along

to. Olly, it is it?

Just curious.

He's young and he's keen.

You can say that again.

What I was about to say was that an
officer of your experience would have

probably heard it all before. On the
other hand, someone as young as Phillips

probably hasn't. Do I have to explain
the logic?

I was only asking.

And I was only telling.

Hello, girls. How are you doing?

Could be better, Mario.

I blame the recession if I knew how.

I know the feeling. Things are very
slow.

Me, I blame the prices.

London has the most expensive hotels in
the world.

Hardly here.

Compared to similar elsewhere, still
very pricey.

Never mind. In a minute, I open up the
bar, I get you both a drink. Cheer you

up. Great.

Is that from one of your bottles of the
hotels?

And then maybe I point out a couple of
pandas for you.

Wonderful.

It's the usual, huh? Yes.

Mario.

Mr. Clegg. Have you seen that bloody
maitre d' of mine?

Giorgio. No, Mr. Clegg. Is he not in the
restaurant?

If he was, no, he is not in the
restaurant.

A situation I find very odd, not to say
bizarre, as that is where he is paid to

be.

And one of the coffee waitresses is
missing.

The assistant manager, he's a crazy man.

So long as he's not observant.

I understand the governor's staying
over.

He's out of courtesy, I would say.

Well, he's set it all up.

And the old colleague of our guest
speaker, it's Commander Dan Mason.

I've heard of him. Rabbit disciplinarian
in his day, wasn't he?

That's all you'd notice. He thought
Robert Martin was too soft on rotten

which is why he left the job.

Good morning. Good morning. I'm
Detective Inspector Forbes. I rang in

about the conference.

I'm afraid the manager's off sick, but
I'm sure our assistant manager, Mr.

Clegg, will be happy to accommodate you.
He's over there.

I'll see if he is available.

No, maybe he loves animals.

Talking of which, last time I attended
one of these functions, two of the

provincial lads ended up having a
drunken brawl up and down the corridors

couple of owls up from the mess.

Thank you. Nothing more reassuring
anecdotes of it.

Police?

They're just here a bit early to see
about the facilities and check the

accommodations for their conference.

Oh, God, yes, I'd forgotten about that.

I may go now, Mr. Clegg. Oh, yes, and
remember what I said.

Oh, yes, of course, Miss Cousy.

Mr. Clegg?

What are you doing here?

What was that?

I said, now you can tell me what you're
doing here.

I'm a romantic.

I did it for love.

Bullshit. I didn't tell you I worked
here.

Yes, you did.

How else would I have known?

Well, I don't remember telling you.

Yeah, well, as I recall, you were a
little bit excited and preoccupied at

time. But... Every lady loves one.

What? I can't hear you.

I said...

You've got a lovely butt.

Is there room for two in here?

Oh, look, not now, Ralph. I'm not
behind.

I wouldn't say that.

Oh, look, get up, will you?

Tired, tired, aren't you?

Tired. How about laughing?

I'll be busy.

Some of them are still waiting for the
room.

We've got a police convention today.

A what to a pension?

I have to tell you, my friend, the man
has got the brains of a trout. You don't

have to tell me, Giorgio. Here.

Do you know what was found in one of the
rooms this morning?

We do have a larger room, of course, but
as yours is a smaller party than we

usually cater for, I think you'll find
this should suit your purposes

adequately. Yes, it seems perfectly
fine.

The added facilities aren't here at the
moment. There will be coffee and tea on

tap, so to speak.

Astros? Naturally, we wouldn't expect
the police to stub their cigarettes out

the carpet, would we?

No, we try to maintain a professional
attitude towards leaving incriminating

evidence.

Regarding the mid -morning and mid
-afternoon breaks, a variety of

and biscuits will be made available.

Oh, sounds fine.

Service is our motto, satisfaction our
aim, Inspector.

Which, frankly, isn't always
appreciated.

Oh, I'm sure you'll find our little
group appreciated, Mr. Clay.

You would not believe the way some
guests behave.

Oh, I'm sure I would.

You are an entirely English contingent,
I trust?

Pardon?

As you can see, our selection of dishes
is quite comprehensive and reasonably

priced. When the restaurant is open, we
maintain a comfortable, relaxed

atmosphere, which I'm sure you'll...
Excuse me one moment.

No!

Now, that's what I call perfect timing.

How's business, Quarrel?

You know, Harry, what with you and the
bloody barman and the porter all getting

a rick off, it's getting to be hardly
worth it.

Like they say, Mr Clegg, life is a
series of misunderstandings.

With the greatest respect, madam, if you
had...

Tenth of the problems concerned with
running a hotel of this size.

Misunderstandings become secondary to
the conviction that a cruel conspiracy

afoot. What threat are you personally
in? It is my distinct impression that is

so.

Isn't that a little paranoid?

Yes, well, as you can see, this is the
lounge bar.

So where's this punter you promised me,
then? I mean, Pauling and Zernian, and

I'm... Here, that's Bill, if ever I've
seen him.

Bill? The police, over there with the
manager.

Well, that's possible.

Start having a conference here today and
tomorrow.

Hey, maybe you and Pauline should work
the other hotels for a couple of days,

huh?

Mario, what makes you think cops are
different from any other men when it

to a night away from home?

Everything seems just fine. We'll get
our bags and check in. We appreciate you

sparing the time.

Don't we, Sergeant?

Oh, very considerate. Especially taking
into account the tremendous pressure of

running a place like this. If only
everyone had your perception.

But then you're trained in that sort of
thing, aren't you?

Oh, definitely.

Yes, well, I hope you and your
colleagues have a satisfying and

conference. And any problems, please
don't hesitate to... Thank you very

Ah, there's our Mr. Kyle.

This is Mr. Kyle.

This is some problem, Mr. Clinton.

Inspector Forbes and, um... Sergeant
Burrell. Yes.

At the police conference.

Ah, yes. How do you do?

Oh, hello.

Mr. Kyle is our chief security officer.

Oh. Are you a sir?

Oh, call me Mackler. All my friends do,
especially the pretty ones. Eh, Keith?

Well, I do.

Well, most of our lot's booked in,
haven't they?

Most of them. I'm afraid some of the
rooms aren't quite ready yet, so a

of your party are having coffee in the
conference room. That includes your

organiser, Chief Inspector Russell.

Oh, well, we can do without him until we
have to, eh?

Oh, I'm supposed to be sharing with an
old pal, Detective Inspector Slater. Is

he here?

Yes, he's booked in. And who am I in
with?

That's Detective Sergeant Phillips.

They never know your luck. Might be a
WDS, eh?

Would you like me to call the porter to
take your bag? Not if he doesn't want to

get arrested, eh?

I

thought

it would be useful to have Harry here
sit down with some of the

discussion, if that's all right with
you, Bill?

Sure, yes, yes. He's one of our best
security officers. I'm sure he'll be

to make a...

Useful contribution.

Now, I had a look at your agenda, Bill.
Apart from one or two reservations, I

think you've done a fine job. I think
it's very good.

Well, it's very kind of you to say so,
ma 'am.

When did you move from the porn squad to
vice then, ma 'am? About a month ago.

Oh, I see.

See what?

Why, here at the seminar, ma 'am. I
believe the oldest profession has shown

marked upgrowth in terms of hotel
penetration.

If you mean there's more prostitutes
plying the trade in these places, you're

right.

If you'll excuse me, there's someone
over there I want to speak to.

Oh, I have room service here, do they?
Oh, I'm afraid not, sir.

But should I need anything in
particular, you're the man to see,

I'd see what I could manage, sir. Good
lad.

What do I call you?

Well, most people call me a slippery
conniving bastard, sir.

But you can call me Jimmy.

Very good, Jimmy. You'll do for me.

Oh, no, it's okay, Jimmy. I'll manage
from here.

Right you are, sir. Have a nice day. Oh,
that's exactly what I intend to do.

Don't tell me I'm a detective. I can
work this out.

You couldn't work out the way to the
bloody neck without a grass to point the

way for you.

Ex -Commander Dan Mason. This is one of
the team. Peter Phillips.

Very pleased to meet you, sir. You're
the young DS that Bill here... that

Russell's been telling me about, hmm?
Not all bad, I hope, sir.

On the contrary, they must think
something of you to let you come to one

these tours. He's very keen.

That's the spirit, lad.

Too many of the youngsters these days
think the job is just an excuse to sit

around pubs and clubs pretending to be
working.

Yeah, but you're now a DCI and I'm still
only a bloody inspector.

Well, that's because you're not as
careful as me, laddie. I heard about

of trouble. Lucky to only get
transferred to another team as far as I

out. Right bloody fit -up. Oh, now,
where have I had that excuse before?

It's a bit early in the day for me,
this. Oh, Robbie, shall we get through a

load of dribble we both already know?

So why bother to come?

Oh, it gets me away from the hassle for
a few days.

A good excuse for a drink -up and a
giggle with a few mates of an evening.

Free board and lodging might even meet a
dark stranger.

Of the female gender, of course. Of
course.

Well, I suppose we'd better put in an
appearance.

Yeah, I gather your governor wants a pep
talk before lunch.

He would.

Do you prefer it?

Porn, bi, amounts to the same thing.
Yeah, I know what you mean.

How's that boy of yours?

Oh, he's OK. He's graduated university.

Doesn't want to follow in the footsteps,
then? No. I can't say I'm sorry.

We'd better make a start.

Hello, Bill. Hello, Mary. Nice to see
you again.

I was wondering when he was going to
talk to me. Oh, it's a bit difficult

escaping from the priest's answer to
Genghis Khan over there.

Yes, it does seem to be a bit of a pain
in the arse. Oh, come on.

Just because a man takes his job
seriously, I don't mind telling you I

mind seeing a few more around here
following his example.

Oh, God.

You're not going to be a pain in the
same region, are you?

Hmm.

Shall we park our regions?

Right, then.

Now we've got the introductions over,
Dan, we can get straight down to it,

Now, as you all know, we've got the
Hotel Crime Collation Unit and the Hotel

Burglary Squad working out of
Paddington.

Some of you are here to learn how that
particular team operates, so you can go

away and set up similar squads of your
own.

Now, sometime or other, in some hotel or
other, just about every crime in the

book has been committed.

From petty theft to arson to murder.

Fortunately for us, petty theft is more
prevalent than murder.

Right, on that note, I'm going to hand
over to you, Dan.

Thanks, Bill.

Naturally, there is a considerable
public relations problem.

A hotel, like any other public
institution, has to maintain a

accommodating image.

I mean, a business like this wouldn't
last two minutes if it took legal

proceedings against every guest or
member of the staff that took some

that could technically be termed a
criminal offence. Does that mean that

management and the security staff
operate a kind of general cover -up

choosing not to make criminals directly
connected to any particular hotel?

No, it does not mean that. It simply
means that a sort of diplomatic

has to be met in order to maintain a
balanced and practical solution.

Yes, precisely.

A bit counterproductive as far as our
job's concerned, though, isn't it?

If I understood you correctly, sir, with
the use of the word technical, you were

referring to relatively minor offences,
like, say, a guest stealing a towel or

something like that.

Yes, naturally. I wasn't referring to
serious crime.

I think we can't presume that mass rape
of the chambermaids would be brought to

our attention.

So what did you do with it? I stuck it
in my locker, didn't I?

You never know, you get some funny
requests from some punters, I can tell

It's your balloons here. See you later,
Mario.

Yeah, ciao.

Tell me you're not serious.

Why not?

With police swarming all over the place.

You've got to look at it as an
adventure, Joe.

A challenge to our prowess.

What are you, mental?

I mean, who needs you?

Book out and go somewhere else, eh?

No.

I don't think so.

I've already spotted a couple of likely
prospects.

And listen, I had to work hard to get
this.

So get it made up as quick as you can.

It's lunacy, I'm telling you.

What the hell's that?

It's all right. It's nothing to worry
about. It's just an obligatory fire

I expect.

Well, don't you think that someone...
How are you at

carrying women down ladders?

Are you talking about life -saving or
elopement?

Could amount to the same thing.

It's a very neat line in the innuendo
you've got there, Mary.

Are you serious? You can't be serious.
Well, if it is just a drill, we

With the greatest respect, madam, it may
only be a drill, but it is required by

law. You as a police person must be
aware of that. Oh, I am. Yes, I am. You

we are on rather a tight schedule. I
have a tight schedule too, Inspector,

it's unrelenting.

Do you know when I last had a holiday?

My body skin hasn't seen sunlight in
four years.

Four years.

Yeah, I know it's funny.

What do you do with a neurotic like
that?

Take him to the movies to see The
Towering Inferno.

Nice to get away from home for the
night.

Yeah, well, it's a change anyway.

How's your love life?

Well, it has been four years.

Yes.

Well... Well, there is this bloke, I
see.

Do you speak with him?

All right, none of my business. I'm just
looking to see how it is.

He's in the job.

D .I. in the art and antiques squad.

Oh!

Oh, God, it must be serious.

Bad enough trying to survive a
relationship when only one of you's a

Mine and Ray's worked out all right.

There's a tendency to get sentimental in
retrospect, love.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean that.

It's all right, love, forget it.

Like you said, it has been four years.

And you're a cop, not a nun.

As your love laughs.

Well, there is no bloke I fancy.

Only he's married.

Only just as far as I can make out.

And a cop.

I'm going to have a tidy up.

That's the finest bloody game in the
world.

After football.

Same again, Murray.

I'll tell the signer Amos here, Keith.

Rugby for the men, football for the
boys. And your rugby man has more fun,

unlike your football hooligan. Am I
right?

Right.

Hey, show him that picture I took at our
last do.

Oh, come on, come on. Show him.

And a right old giggle I can tell you.
Come on, come on. I know you've got it

you.

Supped a few drams that night, didn't
we, Keith?

I must have done to have stood for that.

You look lovely.

Tell me, I've often wondered, wearing
that stuff, I mean, does it feel nice?

A lot nicer than a punch in the mouth.

Character, that's what we're all about,
lad.

Character. That's very interesting, sir.
Sort of a prerequisite, as you might

say. I'm spotless background.

Essentially an early police officer.

You did play Perrier, wasn't you? Oh,
yes, yes.

I never taught you.

Well, I only have the odd lager, you
know, to be sociable.

Perrier water, please. Oh, I'll be too.

And grapefruit juice, please.

Oh, I was, um, wondering if you'd come
down to lunch.

No, no, I don't think so. I think I'll
give it a miss.

One meal a day does me.

Yeah, I've got a bit of a cold coming
on, so I'll see you later.

Another thing to remember, lad, if you
move up, never have anyone on your team

with any kind of blemish on his record
sheet.

I'll keep that in mind, sir.

Well, thank God there's not too many
like that pompous that he's about.

There are.

I had one on my back, remember?

Well, I can tell you this. I am really
pissed off.

I have to share a room with goody -two
-shoes. We ought to teach him a lesson.

Well, if you want my opinion, young
wallies like that need to be taught a

on the ground rules early on.

And maybe we can help in that direction.

No,

Giorgio, it's the last word.

I'd have thought you'd be having lunch
with your old mate from up north, sir.

prefers a liquid one.

You don't mind me sitting here, do you?

Oh, no, no, sir.

Cut the sir crap, Pete. We're not at the
factory now.

The fact is, there's something come up
that's, well, sort of put me in an

awkward position.

Anything I can do to help?

I was thinking of confiding in Jake.

But, uh... Well, since you and me are
new boys on the team, so to speak...

Maybe... Well... Take a look

at this.

Blimey!

Is that... Yeah? D .I. Keith Williams of
the region.

Colleague and friend of a friend.

For a cop, he has a serious problem.

It's not right, Pete.

But he looks happy.

Is that possible?

Afraid so.

I thought Bill Russell was joining us
for lunch.

What?

Our erstwhile organiser appears to be
missing.

Oh, yes, he's in his room. He's got some
reports to catch up on.

Got to find them.

Why am I getting the feeling I'm missing
something here?

It doesn't matter how I found out all of
it. The thing is, what do I do about

it? Funny, I was just talking to Mr
Mason about this sort of thing earlier.

Really?

Look, Jack, I'd be the last one to want
to put a colleague in it. But, um,

perhaps a discreet word in estimation,
dear. No need no but up.

Frankly, it's a bit disturbing.

You know, me sharing a room with a...
Well, not all transvestites are raving

high and speed.

A lot of them are married with kids.

Of course, Williams isn't married, so I
don't know where his inclinations lie.

Oh, my God.

Don't worry.

He's not likely to try any of that.

Well...

Molestation stuff with you, is he? Not
with all that's not been about.

But he outranks me. I mean, what if
he... Don't worry.

I'll think of something.

Get this afternoon session over first.
In the meantime.

Stumpf, right?

It's not exactly a secret around the
station he has problems on the domestic

front, is it?

Well, that doesn't make it a subject for
public debate.

Oh, but a little gossip among friends is
OK, isn't it?

Free from any personal motive, of
course.

Naturally. I don't even want one.

Did he fall for it? Like the three -card
trick. He's one in a million.

Conventional mortise locks are fast
becoming obsolete.

This little item is taking over. The
card key, programmed to open

locks.

Most of you will be familiar with it,
but for those of you who aren't, there

some very interesting aspects to this
bit of modern technology.

In the first place, duplication is
virtually impossible.

Before recommending this type of lot to
the company I work for, I engaged two

first -rate engineers to try to copy one
of these.

They were given two days in which to do
it, and they failed.

Perhaps you pass the card round, Bill.

Well, what would stop someone using it
if they found a lost gun?

Well, firstly, they wouldn't know which
hotel it fitted. It isn't indicated, you

see.

And secondly, if it was found on the
hotel premises, they wouldn't know which

room it fitted.

The room number and the name of the
guest are written in a special ink,

only with special infrared equipment
kept by security.

Also, the combination of any lock can be
changed by the computer within minutes.

Well, it's changed regularly anyway.

Still doesn't make them foolproof.

Oh? How's that?

Well, a lot of hotel villains only book
in the case, the place and the punters.

Say he was fortunate enough to see
someone drop his card.

He could cop it and use it before anyone
was the wiser.

I think the odds against that are about
the same as winning the pools.

Precisely.

As you know, call girls work for escort
agencies.

We can hardly monitor the guests'
private phone calls.

And even presuming we see the girls
arrive and go up to a room, we'd still

a hell of a job proving it's for immoral
purposes, short of using the

inflagrante delecto technique, bursting
in on them, which I'm sure the

management would strongly disagree with.
I'm not naive enough to think

otherwise, Mr Kyle, but you can't tell
me you don't get to recognise a lot of

these girls.

Yes, and it's a known fact that it's
fairly common practice for some of the

hotel staff to be on the payroll of
these agencies.

Or even the girls themselves.

Supply clients for them. And for that to
work in practical terms, it would mean

using the same few agencies or the same
girls. You still have to prove that the

agencies are a front for prostitution.

And that's police business.

Fat lot we can do if you don't give us
any useful info.

Ah, here comes the girl with the tray.

As we used to say years ago at the
pictures.

You can't try to say it from their
angle, Maggie.

I mean, obviously, no hotel likes
scandal or any sort of adverse

which leaves security slap -bang in the
middle.

As employees, they're expected to be
loyal to the hotel, right?

Do their job, that is, to forestall as
much criminal activity as they can, at

the same time causing the least amount
of embarrassment.

Oh, please, I know that. I've heard that
excuse a thousand times today, but it

still seems to make the whole exercise
redundant.

He winked at me.

What? Williams, during the conference,
he winked at me.

No.

He wouldn't be that.

Are you sure? I'm telling you, he winked
at me.

Oh, maybe. It was just a casual,
friendly sort of wink. No, no, there was

mistaking. It was, it was rotating.

I hope you're joining us for dinner
tonight.

Hmm.

Oh, no. One condition.

Just you and me.

Oh, Mary and Jake might find that a bit
odd, especially to miss lunch.

I'd appreciate it if you could fob them
off with some plausible excuse.

Right.

Well, you must clock off sometime.

I'm on late shift this evening.

I'm here all night.

I'm sure my boyfriend will be glad to
know that.

Ah. Do you think if I use a different
aftershave?

Must try something.

OK? No.

Still, how is Mike?

Oh, he's fine. He's just putting his
final coat on the bathroom. There must

love. Yeah, something like that. Oh,
look, Jake, a bet initial.

Bill Russell would prefer your exclusive
company? How do you know?

Instinct. My greatest asset is a copper.

Oh, it's OK.

I'll eat and have a drink with the lads.

So he put it in the box and he gave it
to the porter to get rid of it.

What about the guest who left it? What
did he have to say?

He's already booked out.

I tell you, he's a crazy man, this
assistant manager.

A couple of toms, I wouldn't mind
betting, eh, Mario?

Toms? Brasses.

Wars. On the game.

I wouldn't know. I'm just a barman.

Oh, of course not.

But don't worry, we're just a bunch of
off -duty cops out for an evening's fun.

We're not looking to nick anyone.

You can tell them that if you like.

Ads could be just what we're looking
for.

You ready, Judge?

Learn it.

Absolutely. Don't worry.

They'll all be tucked up with classic
hangovers by the morning.

No, of course I don't mind.

Spending an evening with a crowd of
boozy males like that Macfarlane on my

will be a singularly exciting
experience.

I'm sorry, Mary.

I could hardly refuse.

No, it's all right. I'll have an early
dinner and curl up with a good book.

What gives me the need, Liz? It's not my
sympathetic ear he wants to talk into.

Women have problems too, you know. No
kidding.

He'll never stand it. He'll stand it.
Oh, come on, you can't take it that far.

Do that and only his laundry will tell a
full story.

We all had strokes pulled on us when we
were young wallies in the job. It's just

a sort of bloody initiation, isn't it?

Make a man of you.

Make some of us if Russell finds out.

Only if he outranked me.

And he doesn't.

Ah, Miss Woods.

We seem to be the early birds.

May I join you?

No, er, that is, yes, of course. By all
means, Mr Mason.

Jan! No need to be formal. I'm not on
the fork any more, you know.

More's the pity.

Best years of my life, I can tell you.

Really?

It was that little coo that got me
promoted to sergeant. How enthralling.

Nowadays. Much harder, believe me.

New college degree, the inspector at 25.

College degree has never made a proper
cover, believe me.

Not a bloody theoretical factor.

Really?

That's why I confided in Jake, Peter.

He overheard Williams on the phone in
the lobby, arranged to meet a couple of

friends of his from the Valtieri Club.

You know what sort of a place that is.

Huh? Tell him, Jake.

Well, it's where birds of a feather
flock together.

Oh? You can't even get in unless you're
in drag.

Oh.

And a bottle of the Chateauneuf -du
-Pape, huh?

I hope that's going on the expense
account.

Seems like a good idea, doesn't it?

You have to be kidding.

Oh, no, perfectly serious, love.

Now, come on, what do you say?

Perhaps only a short cab ride.

I suppose we could find something
suitable.

Listen, we're strictly off -duty, so I
don't want you to think that you're

any, you know, duress.

If you like, you police -esque.

It only took me six months after being
promoted to superintendent before I

became a chief super.

There's a rather interesting story
behind that.

I'm not going to...

Start a portioning plane.

You know something's got to be wrong,
don't you?

When you find yourself putting your own
front door key in the lock and your guts

start tightening up.

So you mate in the kitchen.

Commonplace remote, like watch how your
day goes.

Find that's the cue for the bloody
argument that's going to go on and on

You stop arguing.

What do you do? You go into the long
silences.

Endless, endless silences.

Find myself... Find myself saying, I
think I should requisition a couple of

walkie -talkies and maybe that way we
could communicate.

That didn't go down very well.

No.

No.

Wrong profession to be married into.

Doctors and cops.

Yeah.

No, not for me.

Oh,

you're just going to sound like a
nagging wife. Don't you think you'd

ease up?

Prefer a bottle?

Well, it's either this or a couple of
sleeping pills tonight. I'm going to be

perfectly honest.

This goes down better.

What do you mean, leave it? We can't
just leave it unresolved.

I don't really see what else we can do,
Pete, if you really think about it.

Look, I have to sleep in the same room
with him.

Well, just make sure your sheets are
well tucked in.

It's just a little levity. Keep things
in perspective.

Oh, you took your time.

Hard time getting a cab.

It doesn't matter. They're here and
they've got the gear.

Let's have a look then.

Quick, get here.

It's OK, it won't be jacked.

Where's Phillips?

Downstairs over his old private trauma.

Jake's going to tell us when he's on his
way out.

Where are the girls?

In here.

Hello, ladies.

Hello.

Let's have a look then.

Where did you take that out from?

It's bloody enormous.

Well, it's one of my regulars. In
accents, what do you think? What is it,

love the jacket?

No, I don't pee.

Just the one, just the one.

Sorry.

I promise no more boring talk about
domestics right now. It's okay, that I

handle. You can handle it.

Get the chance. Yeah, it's all right.
It's coming.

That's a wiki for me, a brandy for my
glamorous friend.

And make him large with it.

He's on his way up.

Thank you for an early night's sleep,
sir.

Yes, must get my beauty sleep.

You're staring, son.

No, no, sir, I... It's the cover.

You don't think it suits me?

No, no, sir, really. I knew it.

You think it's tacky?

No, no, no, it's very, um, nice.

Thank you.

With so little choice in my size, me
being so big, I do love the feeling of

chiffon, so soothing after a hard day.

You see, there's something so uniquely
satisfying about women's clothes.

Very calming.

Well, sir,

I think I understand.

Oh, I do hope so.

If you'd rather be on your own... No,
no, no.

You're a man of the world, and I know I
can rely on your discretion.

Oh, um... Oh, yes, yes, of course, sir.
Peter, off duty I like my friends

to call me Ruby.

Oh, dear.

My little secret is out.

Peter. I do hope you don't mind that
I've invited a couple of mates up from

End Central just for a little drinky.

Eric, Trevor, come and say hello to dear
Peter.

Hello, Peter.

Hello.

Ruby. Oh,

well, I'm glad you think it's so funny,
but you weren't there. It was... it was

macabre. I'm going back up there. They
were coppers, Jake. All right, calm

Calm down. I'm telling you, Jake, when
those two perverts came out of the

bathroom, it was unbelievable.

They were just like real women.

They were.

What? Real women, you berk. Do you need
a diagram?

It's a wind -up.

You... You bastard.

You dirty, rotten bastard. Oh, come on.
Where's your sense of humour?

Oh, we made you look a right... Oh, God,
I was nearly on the point of telling

Mason.

Now, there's a thought.

Refill, Ruby.

The last will save him tonight.

Poor little thought. It's too much. I
nearly brought the habit of a lifetime

offered him a freebie.

Oh, that'll be Jake.

What do you ask for, sir?

Oh, great lad, great. Did you bring the
passkey? Yes, sir, but you'd better be

quick. I'll be back shortly.

Oh, Jill, too.

That's when I decided to retire.

From the force, that is.

I'll take up this job.

Not that I'm complaining, mind you. Has
its interesting side.

Get the students, Jill.

Do you want to know what I think
happened to Lord Lucan?

Telephone call for Mr Mason.

Telephone call for Mr Mason.

Damn.

Just when I was beginning to enjoy
myself.

Don't go away.

I'll be straight back.

Mr Clegg here.

I wouldn't have bothered you personally,
sir.

But if a rebuke has to be administered,
I thought you were the most senior

officer.

Yes, I quite understand.

Go on.

I've already had three complaints about
the noise from 309.

The last even suggested there might be
an orgy in progress.

Orgy?

Are you sure?

Well, who made this complaint?

That I'm not at liberty to divulge. But
his credentials are impeccable.

He's a man of cloth.

Oh, very well.

I'll deal with it right away.

And another drinky brew won't do us any
harm.

Look, I've just received a disturbing
phone call, Bill. Could you come along

with me to... Oh.

It's all right, Dan. It's not what you
think.

Besides, he already has company.

What the hell is going on here? I think
we've got a practical joke. Now, Flina,

this is your idea.

Oh, look at me. I'm looking at you.

What's going on in here? Oh, can't a
girl have a private party without this

of outrageous intruder?

This is gross. It's gross.

Oh, why don't you shut up, you bloody
pompous ball? You're not a commander any

more, you know. I'll see your discipline
for this. Oh, please.

I don't suppose any of you schoolboys
happen to have a pin upon his person?

I'm going to go to bed. Good night,
Maggie. I'm going to bed. Night.

Night, children.

Night!

Last time you were at this hotel, you're
a flack.

Keep out of it, Harry.

Unless you want your button up. Anyone
want another drink? Yes, please.

Interesting evening.

Well, yes, yes. I think you could say
that.

I've got something very interesting to
show you.

Really?

OK,

right. Here you are. Thank you.

Morning,

Ruby.

Don't start.

Oh, Philip, you'll never live it down.
You should have known better.

All I can say in my defence, when a DC
asks you to join in, follow orders.

Where did he spend the night?

Went home, didn't he?

Ruby seems to have lost his appetite
this morning.

I'll have two fried eggs, sausages,
kidneys, oh, and fried bread, and a bowl

the loudest breakfast cereal you've got,
please.

Yes, sir. Subito.

So where were you all night?

Consoling a friend.

Morning.

Morning.

Sleep well?

Why me?

Why me?

I'm a person, too. Why should I be
persecuted?

I hate this job. I hate it. Calm
yourself, Mr. Clegg. The police are

with everything.

But a meat cleaver in the head.

Blood everywhere.

There would be.

God, how inconsiderate can you get?

Cream patinelle in the kitchens.

It's unhygienic.

The health inspectors will close us
down.

I don't believe it. I just don't believe
it. Not after last night.

An attempted murder. Now this woman
claims she's been robbed of £10 ,000

of jewellery. At a police convention.

It does seem rather excessive.

Well, in my opinion, it seems like a lot
of jewellery for a guest to lose in a

hotel of this grade.

What do you mean by that?

What's wrong with this hotel?

You must be joking.

Look, I think the best thing we can do
under the circumstances is we'll leave

this to the Paddington Hotel Squad to
get on with the conference.

After that, we can all go home and catch
up on our sleep.

Fuck!