Original subtitles

Where did you pop up from?

Well, you keep away from me.

I'll scream. I'm warning you.

Get your clothes off.

What? Now.

Please. Please don't hurt me.

Get them off.

On second thoughts, that uniform's eternal.

Lay on the bed.

Please. Down.

So, are you going to tell me what you're doing here?

I've booked into this establishment.

This is my room.

You know, that uniform really is a turn -on.

You can tell me what all this is about.

Later.

Well, two days have been on the excessive side, hasn't it?

Now you look at it. What are we supposed to learn we don't already know?

Think of it as a break from the old routine.

All expenses paid.

Yeah.

Something wrong, Mr. Clay?

Something wrong, Miss Powell, something wrong.

Yes, I should say there was something wrong.

Something most definitely and irrefutably wrong.

Oh, dear.

Is there anything I can do to help?

We live in a sick society, Miss Powell.

People are disgusting.

The people who stay in this hotel are disgusting.

I hate them. I loathe them, Miss Powell. No, you don't, Mr. Clay.

Just because you're upset.

No, I do. I do.

Have you any idea what is in this box? Have you any idea?

No.

I wouldn't offend your sensibilities by telling you.

Suffice it to say, a symbol of rampant depravity.

Really? And what is worse, what I find deeply offensive, is that the discovery

of this object by one of the chambermaids has left her completely

Oh, dear. In that case, shouldn't you... I mean, we do have a doctor staying.

She is hysterical with laughter, Miss Powell.

Laughter.

I shall ask the porter to incinerate this disgusting object forthwith.

I wouldn't have thought it was the sort of thing Phillips had been invited along

to. Olly, it is it?

Just curious.

He's young and he's keen.

You can say that again.

What I was about to say was that an officer of your experience would have

probably heard it all before. On the other hand, someone as young as Phillips

probably hasn't. Do I have to explain the logic?

I was only asking.

And I was only telling.

Hello, girls. How are you doing?

Could be better, Mario.

I blame the recession if I knew how.

I know the feeling. Things are very slow.

Me, I blame the prices.

London has the most expensive hotels in the world.

Hardly here.

Compared to similar elsewhere, still very pricey.

Never mind. In a minute, I open up the bar, I get you both a drink. Cheer you

up. Great.

Is that from one of your bottles of the hotels?

And then maybe I point out a couple of pandas for you.

Wonderful.

It's the usual, huh? Yes.

Mario.

Mr. Clegg. Have you seen that bloody maitre d' of mine?

Giorgio. No, Mr. Clegg. Is he not in the restaurant?

If he was, no, he is not in the restaurant.

A situation I find very odd, not to say bizarre, as that is where he is paid to

be.

And one of the coffee waitresses is missing.

The assistant manager, he's a crazy man.

So long as he's not observant.

I understand the governor's staying over.

He's out of courtesy, I would say.

Well, he's set it all up.

And the old colleague of our guest speaker, it's Commander Dan Mason.

I've heard of him. Rabbit disciplinarian in his day, wasn't he?

That's all you'd notice. He thought Robert Martin was too soft on rotten

which is why he left the job.

Good morning. Good morning. I'm Detective Inspector Forbes. I rang in

about the conference.

I'm afraid the manager's off sick, but I'm sure our assistant manager, Mr.

Clegg, will be happy to accommodate you. He's over there.

I'll see if he is available.

No, maybe he loves animals.

Talking of which, last time I attended one of these functions, two of the

provincial lads ended up having a drunken brawl up and down the corridors

couple of owls up from the mess.

Thank you. Nothing more reassuring anecdotes of it.

Police?

They're just here a bit early to see about the facilities and check the

accommodations for their conference.

Oh, God, yes, I'd forgotten about that.

I may go now, Mr. Clegg. Oh, yes, and remember what I said.

Oh, yes, of course, Miss Cousy.

Mr. Clegg?

What are you doing here?

What was that?

I said, now you can tell me what you're doing here.

I'm a romantic.

I did it for love.

Bullshit. I didn't tell you I worked here.

Yes, you did.

How else would I have known?

Well, I don't remember telling you.

Yeah, well, as I recall, you were a little bit excited and preoccupied at

time. But... Every lady loves one.

What? I can't hear you.

I said...

You've got a lovely butt.

Is there room for two in here?

Oh, look, not now, Ralph. I'm not behind.

I wouldn't say that.

Oh, look, get up, will you?

Tired, tired, aren't you?

Tired. How about laughing?

I'll be busy.

Some of them are still waiting for the room.

We've got a police convention today.

A what to a pension?

I have to tell you, my friend, the man has got the brains of a trout. You don't

have to tell me, Giorgio. Here.

Do you know what was found in one of the rooms this morning?

We do have a larger room, of course, but as yours is a smaller party than we

usually cater for, I think you'll find this should suit your purposes

adequately. Yes, it seems perfectly fine.

The added facilities aren't here at the moment. There will be coffee and tea on

tap, so to speak.

Astros? Naturally, we wouldn't expect the police to stub their cigarettes out

the carpet, would we?

No, we try to maintain a professional attitude towards leaving incriminating

evidence.

Regarding the mid -morning and mid -afternoon breaks, a variety of

and biscuits will be made available.

Oh, sounds fine.

Service is our motto, satisfaction our aim, Inspector.

Which, frankly, isn't always appreciated.

Oh, I'm sure you'll find our little group appreciated, Mr. Clay.

You would not believe the way some guests behave.

Oh, I'm sure I would.

You are an entirely English contingent, I trust?

Pardon?

As you can see, our selection of dishes is quite comprehensive and reasonably

priced. When the restaurant is open, we maintain a comfortable, relaxed

atmosphere, which I'm sure you'll... Excuse me one moment.

No!

Now, that's what I call perfect timing.

How's business, Quarrel?

You know, Harry, what with you and the bloody barman and the porter all getting

a rick off, it's getting to be hardly worth it.

Like they say, Mr Clegg, life is a series of misunderstandings.

With the greatest respect, madam, if you had...

Tenth of the problems concerned with running a hotel of this size.

Misunderstandings become secondary to the conviction that a cruel conspiracy

afoot. What threat are you personally in? It is my distinct impression that is

so.

Isn't that a little paranoid?

Yes, well, as you can see, this is the lounge bar.

So where's this punter you promised me, then? I mean, Pauling and Zernian, and

I'm... Here, that's Bill, if ever I've seen him.

Bill? The police, over there with the manager.

Well, that's possible.

Start having a conference here today and tomorrow.

Hey, maybe you and Pauline should work the other hotels for a couple of days,

huh?

Mario, what makes you think cops are different from any other men when it

to a night away from home?

Everything seems just fine. We'll get our bags and check in. We appreciate you

sparing the time.

Don't we, Sergeant?

Oh, very considerate. Especially taking into account the tremendous pressure of

running a place like this. If only everyone had your perception.

But then you're trained in that sort of thing, aren't you?

Oh, definitely.

Yes, well, I hope you and your colleagues have a satisfying and

conference. And any problems, please don't hesitate to... Thank you very

Ah, there's our Mr. Kyle.

This is Mr. Kyle.

This is some problem, Mr. Clinton.

Inspector Forbes and, um... Sergeant Burrell. Yes.

At the police conference.

Ah, yes. How do you do?

Oh, hello.

Mr. Kyle is our chief security officer.

Oh. Are you a sir?

Oh, call me Mackler. All my friends do, especially the pretty ones. Eh, Keith?

Well, I do.

Well, most of our lot's booked in, haven't they?

Most of them. I'm afraid some of the rooms aren't quite ready yet, so a

of your party are having coffee in the conference room. That includes your

organiser, Chief Inspector Russell.

Oh, well, we can do without him until we have to, eh?

Oh, I'm supposed to be sharing with an old pal, Detective Inspector Slater. Is

he here?

Yes, he's booked in. And who am I in with?

That's Detective Sergeant Phillips.

They never know your luck. Might be a WDS, eh?

Would you like me to call the porter to take your bag? Not if he doesn't want to

get arrested, eh?

I

thought

it would be useful to have Harry here sit down with some of the

discussion, if that's all right with you, Bill?

Sure, yes, yes. He's one of our best security officers. I'm sure he'll be

to make a...

Useful contribution.

Now, I had a look at your agenda, Bill. Apart from one or two reservations, I

think you've done a fine job. I think it's very good.

Well, it's very kind of you to say so, ma 'am.

When did you move from the porn squad to vice then, ma 'am? About a month ago.

Oh, I see.

See what?

Why, here at the seminar, ma 'am. I believe the oldest profession has shown

marked upgrowth in terms of hotel penetration.

If you mean there's more prostitutes plying the trade in these places, you're

right.

If you'll excuse me, there's someone over there I want to speak to.

Oh, I have room service here, do they? Oh, I'm afraid not, sir.

But should I need anything in particular, you're the man to see,

I'd see what I could manage, sir. Good lad.

What do I call you?

Well, most people call me a slippery conniving bastard, sir.

But you can call me Jimmy.

Very good, Jimmy. You'll do for me.

Oh, no, it's okay, Jimmy. I'll manage from here.

Right you are, sir. Have a nice day. Oh, that's exactly what I intend to do.

Don't tell me I'm a detective. I can work this out.

You couldn't work out the way to the bloody neck without a grass to point the

way for you.

Ex -Commander Dan Mason. This is one of the team. Peter Phillips.

Very pleased to meet you, sir. You're the young DS that Bill here... that

Russell's been telling me about, hmm? Not all bad, I hope, sir.

On the contrary, they must think something of you to let you come to one

these tours. He's very keen.

That's the spirit, lad.

Too many of the youngsters these days think the job is just an excuse to sit

around pubs and clubs pretending to be working.

Yeah, but you're now a DCI and I'm still only a bloody inspector.

Well, that's because you're not as careful as me, laddie. I heard about

of trouble. Lucky to only get transferred to another team as far as I

out. Right bloody fit -up. Oh, now, where have I had that excuse before?

It's a bit early in the day for me, this. Oh, Robbie, shall we get through a

load of dribble we both already know?

So why bother to come?

Oh, it gets me away from the hassle for a few days.

A good excuse for a drink -up and a giggle with a few mates of an evening.

Free board and lodging might even meet a dark stranger.

Of the female gender, of course. Of course.

Well, I suppose we'd better put in an appearance.

Yeah, I gather your governor wants a pep talk before lunch.

He would.

Do you prefer it?

Porn, bi, amounts to the same thing. Yeah, I know what you mean.

How's that boy of yours?

Oh, he's OK. He's graduated university.

Doesn't want to follow in the footsteps, then? No. I can't say I'm sorry.

We'd better make a start.

Hello, Bill. Hello, Mary. Nice to see you again.

I was wondering when he was going to talk to me. Oh, it's a bit difficult

escaping from the priest's answer to Genghis Khan over there.

Yes, it does seem to be a bit of a pain in the arse. Oh, come on.

Just because a man takes his job seriously, I don't mind telling you I

mind seeing a few more around here following his example.

Oh, God.

You're not going to be a pain in the same region, are you?

Hmm.

Shall we park our regions?

Right, then.

Now we've got the introductions over, Dan, we can get straight down to it,

Now, as you all know, we've got the Hotel Crime Collation Unit and the Hotel

Burglary Squad working out of Paddington.

Some of you are here to learn how that particular team operates, so you can go

away and set up similar squads of your own.

Now, sometime or other, in some hotel or other, just about every crime in the

book has been committed.

From petty theft to arson to murder.

Fortunately for us, petty theft is more prevalent than murder.

Right, on that note, I'm going to hand over to you, Dan.

Thanks, Bill.

Naturally, there is a considerable public relations problem.

A hotel, like any other public institution, has to maintain a

accommodating image.

I mean, a business like this wouldn't last two minutes if it took legal

proceedings against every guest or member of the staff that took some

that could technically be termed a criminal offence. Does that mean that

management and the security staff operate a kind of general cover -up

choosing not to make criminals directly connected to any particular hotel?

No, it does not mean that. It simply means that a sort of diplomatic

has to be met in order to maintain a balanced and practical solution.

Yes, precisely.

A bit counterproductive as far as our job's concerned, though, isn't it?

If I understood you correctly, sir, with the use of the word technical, you were

referring to relatively minor offences, like, say, a guest stealing a towel or

something like that.

Yes, naturally. I wasn't referring to serious crime.

I think we can't presume that mass rape of the chambermaids would be brought to

our attention.

So what did you do with it? I stuck it in my locker, didn't I?

You never know, you get some funny requests from some punters, I can tell

It's your balloons here. See you later, Mario.

Yeah, ciao.

Tell me you're not serious.

Why not?

With police swarming all over the place.

You've got to look at it as an adventure, Joe.

A challenge to our prowess.

What are you, mental?

I mean, who needs you?

Book out and go somewhere else, eh?

No.

I don't think so.

I've already spotted a couple of likely prospects.

And listen, I had to work hard to get this.

So get it made up as quick as you can.

It's lunacy, I'm telling you.

What the hell's that?

It's all right. It's nothing to worry about. It's just an obligatory fire

I expect.

Well, don't you think that someone... How are you at

carrying women down ladders?

Are you talking about life -saving or elopement?

Could amount to the same thing.

It's a very neat line in the innuendo you've got there, Mary.

Are you serious? You can't be serious. Well, if it is just a drill, we

With the greatest respect, madam, it may only be a drill, but it is required by

law. You as a police person must be aware of that. Oh, I am. Yes, I am. You

we are on rather a tight schedule. I have a tight schedule too, Inspector,

it's unrelenting.

Do you know when I last had a holiday?

My body skin hasn't seen sunlight in four years.

Four years.

Yeah, I know it's funny.

What do you do with a neurotic like that?

Take him to the movies to see The Towering Inferno.

Nice to get away from home for the night.

Yeah, well, it's a change anyway.

How's your love life?

Well, it has been four years.

Yes.

Well... Well, there is this bloke, I see.

Do you speak with him?

All right, none of my business. I'm just looking to see how it is.

He's in the job.

D .I. in the art and antiques squad.

Oh!

Oh, God, it must be serious.

Bad enough trying to survive a relationship when only one of you's a

Mine and Ray's worked out all right.

There's a tendency to get sentimental in retrospect, love.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean that.

It's all right, love, forget it.

Like you said, it has been four years.

And you're a cop, not a nun.

As your love laughs.

Well, there is no bloke I fancy.

Only he's married.

Only just as far as I can make out.

And a cop.

I'm going to have a tidy up.

That's the finest bloody game in the world.

After football.

Same again, Murray.

I'll tell the signer Amos here, Keith.

Rugby for the men, football for the boys. And your rugby man has more fun,

unlike your football hooligan. Am I right?

Right.

Hey, show him that picture I took at our last do.

Oh, come on, come on. Show him.

And a right old giggle I can tell you. Come on, come on. I know you've got it

you.

Supped a few drams that night, didn't we, Keith?

I must have done to have stood for that.

You look lovely.

Tell me, I've often wondered, wearing that stuff, I mean, does it feel nice?

A lot nicer than a punch in the mouth.

Character, that's what we're all about, lad.

Character. That's very interesting, sir. Sort of a prerequisite, as you might

say. I'm spotless background.

Essentially an early police officer.

You did play Perrier, wasn't you? Oh, yes, yes.

I never taught you.

Well, I only have the odd lager, you know, to be sociable.

Perrier water, please. Oh, I'll be too.

And grapefruit juice, please.

Oh, I was, um, wondering if you'd come down to lunch.

No, no, I don't think so. I think I'll give it a miss.

One meal a day does me.

Yeah, I've got a bit of a cold coming on, so I'll see you later.

Another thing to remember, lad, if you move up, never have anyone on your team

with any kind of blemish on his record sheet.

I'll keep that in mind, sir.

Well, thank God there's not too many like that pompous that he's about.

There are.

I had one on my back, remember?

Well, I can tell you this. I am really pissed off.

I have to share a room with goody -two -shoes. We ought to teach him a lesson.

Well, if you want my opinion, young wallies like that need to be taught a

on the ground rules early on.

And maybe we can help in that direction.

No,

Giorgio, it's the last word.

I'd have thought you'd be having lunch with your old mate from up north, sir.

prefers a liquid one.

You don't mind me sitting here, do you?

Oh, no, no, sir.

Cut the sir crap, Pete. We're not at the factory now.

The fact is, there's something come up that's, well, sort of put me in an

awkward position.

Anything I can do to help?

I was thinking of confiding in Jake.

But, uh... Well, since you and me are new boys on the team, so to speak...

Maybe... Well... Take a look

at this.

Blimey!

Is that... Yeah? D .I. Keith Williams of the region.

Colleague and friend of a friend.

For a cop, he has a serious problem.

It's not right, Pete.

But he looks happy.

Is that possible?

Afraid so.

I thought Bill Russell was joining us for lunch.

What?

Our erstwhile organiser appears to be missing.

Oh, yes, he's in his room. He's got some reports to catch up on.

Got to find them.

Why am I getting the feeling I'm missing something here?

It doesn't matter how I found out all of it. The thing is, what do I do about

it? Funny, I was just talking to Mr Mason about this sort of thing earlier.

Really?

Look, Jack, I'd be the last one to want to put a colleague in it. But, um,

perhaps a discreet word in estimation, dear. No need no but up.

Frankly, it's a bit disturbing.

You know, me sharing a room with a... Well, not all transvestites are raving

high and speed.

A lot of them are married with kids.

Of course, Williams isn't married, so I don't know where his inclinations lie.

Oh, my God.

Don't worry.

He's not likely to try any of that.

Well...

Molestation stuff with you, is he? Not with all that's not been about.

But he outranks me. I mean, what if he... Don't worry.

I'll think of something.

Get this afternoon session over first. In the meantime.

Stumpf, right?

It's not exactly a secret around the station he has problems on the domestic

front, is it?

Well, that doesn't make it a subject for public debate.

Oh, but a little gossip among friends is OK, isn't it?

Free from any personal motive, of course.

Naturally. I don't even want one.

Did he fall for it? Like the three -card trick. He's one in a million.

Conventional mortise locks are fast becoming obsolete.

This little item is taking over. The card key, programmed to open

locks.

Most of you will be familiar with it, but for those of you who aren't, there

some very interesting aspects to this bit of modern technology.

In the first place, duplication is virtually impossible.

Before recommending this type of lot to the company I work for, I engaged two

first -rate engineers to try to copy one of these.

They were given two days in which to do it, and they failed.

Perhaps you pass the card round, Bill.

Well, what would stop someone using it if they found a lost gun?

Well, firstly, they wouldn't know which hotel it fitted. It isn't indicated, you

see.

And secondly, if it was found on the hotel premises, they wouldn't know which

room it fitted.

The room number and the name of the guest are written in a special ink,

only with special infrared equipment kept by security.

Also, the combination of any lock can be changed by the computer within minutes.

Well, it's changed regularly anyway.

Still doesn't make them foolproof.

Oh? How's that?

Well, a lot of hotel villains only book in the case, the place and the punters.

Say he was fortunate enough to see someone drop his card.

He could cop it and use it before anyone was the wiser.

I think the odds against that are about the same as winning the pools.

Precisely.

As you know, call girls work for escort agencies.

We can hardly monitor the guests' private phone calls.

And even presuming we see the girls arrive and go up to a room, we'd still

a hell of a job proving it's for immoral purposes, short of using the

inflagrante delecto technique, bursting in on them, which I'm sure the

management would strongly disagree with. I'm not naive enough to think

otherwise, Mr Kyle, but you can't tell me you don't get to recognise a lot of

these girls.

Yes, and it's a known fact that it's fairly common practice for some of the

hotel staff to be on the payroll of these agencies.

Or even the girls themselves.

Supply clients for them. And for that to work in practical terms, it would mean

using the same few agencies or the same girls. You still have to prove that the

agencies are a front for prostitution.

And that's police business.

Fat lot we can do if you don't give us any useful info.

Ah, here comes the girl with the tray.

As we used to say years ago at the pictures.

You can't try to say it from their angle, Maggie.

I mean, obviously, no hotel likes scandal or any sort of adverse

which leaves security slap -bang in the middle.

As employees, they're expected to be loyal to the hotel, right?

Do their job, that is, to forestall as much criminal activity as they can, at

the same time causing the least amount of embarrassment.

Oh, please, I know that. I've heard that excuse a thousand times today, but it

still seems to make the whole exercise redundant.

He winked at me.

What? Williams, during the conference, he winked at me.

No.

He wouldn't be that.

Are you sure? I'm telling you, he winked at me.

Oh, maybe. It was just a casual, friendly sort of wink. No, no, there was

mistaking. It was, it was rotating.

I hope you're joining us for dinner tonight.

Hmm.

Oh, no. One condition.

Just you and me.

Oh, Mary and Jake might find that a bit odd, especially to miss lunch.

I'd appreciate it if you could fob them off with some plausible excuse.

Right.

Well, you must clock off sometime.

I'm on late shift this evening.

I'm here all night.

I'm sure my boyfriend will be glad to know that.

Ah. Do you think if I use a different aftershave?

Must try something.

OK? No.

Still, how is Mike?

Oh, he's fine. He's just putting his final coat on the bathroom. There must

love. Yeah, something like that. Oh, look, Jake, a bet initial.

Bill Russell would prefer your exclusive company? How do you know?

Instinct. My greatest asset is a copper.

Oh, it's OK.

I'll eat and have a drink with the lads.

So he put it in the box and he gave it to the porter to get rid of it.

What about the guest who left it? What did he have to say?

He's already booked out.

I tell you, he's a crazy man, this assistant manager.

A couple of toms, I wouldn't mind betting, eh, Mario?

Toms? Brasses.

Wars. On the game.

I wouldn't know. I'm just a barman.

Oh, of course not.

But don't worry, we're just a bunch of off -duty cops out for an evening's fun.

We're not looking to nick anyone.

You can tell them that if you like.

Ads could be just what we're looking for.

You ready, Judge?

Learn it.

Absolutely. Don't worry.

They'll all be tucked up with classic hangovers by the morning.

No, of course I don't mind.

Spending an evening with a crowd of boozy males like that Macfarlane on my

will be a singularly exciting experience.

I'm sorry, Mary.

I could hardly refuse.

No, it's all right. I'll have an early dinner and curl up with a good book.

What gives me the need, Liz? It's not my sympathetic ear he wants to talk into.

Women have problems too, you know. No kidding.

He'll never stand it. He'll stand it. Oh, come on, you can't take it that far.

Do that and only his laundry will tell a full story.

We all had strokes pulled on us when we were young wallies in the job. It's just

a sort of bloody initiation, isn't it?

Make a man of you.

Make some of us if Russell finds out.

Only if he outranked me.

And he doesn't.

Ah, Miss Woods.

We seem to be the early birds.

May I join you?

No, er, that is, yes, of course. By all means, Mr Mason.

Jan! No need to be formal. I'm not on the fork any more, you know.

More's the pity.

Best years of my life, I can tell you.

Really?

It was that little coo that got me promoted to sergeant. How enthralling.

Nowadays. Much harder, believe me.

New college degree, the inspector at 25.

College degree has never made a proper cover, believe me.

Not a bloody theoretical factor.

Really?

That's why I confided in Jake, Peter.

He overheard Williams on the phone in the lobby, arranged to meet a couple of

friends of his from the Valtieri Club.

You know what sort of a place that is.

Huh? Tell him, Jake.

Well, it's where birds of a feather flock together.

Oh? You can't even get in unless you're in drag.

Oh.

And a bottle of the Chateauneuf -du -Pape, huh?

I hope that's going on the expense account.

Seems like a good idea, doesn't it?

You have to be kidding.

Oh, no, perfectly serious, love.

Now, come on, what do you say?

Perhaps only a short cab ride.

I suppose we could find something suitable.

Listen, we're strictly off -duty, so I don't want you to think that you're

any, you know, duress.

If you like, you police -esque.

It only took me six months after being promoted to superintendent before I

became a chief super.

There's a rather interesting story behind that.

I'm not going to...

Start a portioning plane.

You know something's got to be wrong, don't you?

When you find yourself putting your own front door key in the lock and your guts

start tightening up.

So you mate in the kitchen.

Commonplace remote, like watch how your day goes.

Find that's the cue for the bloody argument that's going to go on and on

You stop arguing.

What do you do? You go into the long silences.

Endless, endless silences.

Find myself... Find myself saying, I think I should requisition a couple of

walkie -talkies and maybe that way we could communicate.

That didn't go down very well.

No.

No.

Wrong profession to be married into.

Doctors and cops.

Yeah.

No, not for me.

Oh,

you're just going to sound like a nagging wife. Don't you think you'd

ease up?

Prefer a bottle?

Well, it's either this or a couple of sleeping pills tonight. I'm going to be

perfectly honest.

This goes down better.

What do you mean, leave it? We can't just leave it unresolved.

I don't really see what else we can do, Pete, if you really think about it.

Look, I have to sleep in the same room with him.

Well, just make sure your sheets are well tucked in.

It's just a little levity. Keep things in perspective.

Oh, you took your time.

Hard time getting a cab.

It doesn't matter. They're here and they've got the gear.

Let's have a look then.

Quick, get here.

It's OK, it won't be jacked.

Where's Phillips?

Downstairs over his old private trauma.

Jake's going to tell us when he's on his way out.

Where are the girls?

In here.

Hello, ladies.

Hello.

Let's have a look then.

Where did you take that out from?

It's bloody enormous.

Well, it's one of my regulars. In accents, what do you think? What is it,

love the jacket?

No, I don't pee.

Just the one, just the one.

Sorry.

I promise no more boring talk about domestics right now. It's okay, that I

handle. You can handle it.

Get the chance. Yeah, it's all right. It's coming.

That's a wiki for me, a brandy for my glamorous friend.

And make him large with it.

He's on his way up.

Thank you for an early night's sleep, sir.

Yes, must get my beauty sleep.

You're staring, son.

No, no, sir, I... It's the cover.

You don't think it suits me?

No, no, sir, really. I knew it.

You think it's tacky?

No, no, no, it's very, um, nice.

Thank you.

With so little choice in my size, me being so big, I do love the feeling of

chiffon, so soothing after a hard day.

You see, there's something so uniquely satisfying about women's clothes.

Very calming.

Well, sir,

I think I understand.

Oh, I do hope so.

If you'd rather be on your own... No, no, no.

You're a man of the world, and I know I can rely on your discretion.

Oh, um... Oh, yes, yes, of course, sir. Peter, off duty I like my friends

to call me Ruby.

Oh, dear.

My little secret is out.

Peter. I do hope you don't mind that I've invited a couple of mates up from

End Central just for a little drinky.

Eric, Trevor, come and say hello to dear Peter.

Hello, Peter.

Hello.

Ruby. Oh,

well, I'm glad you think it's so funny, but you weren't there. It was... it was

macabre. I'm going back up there. They were coppers, Jake. All right, calm

Calm down. I'm telling you, Jake, when those two perverts came out of the

bathroom, it was unbelievable.

They were just like real women.

They were.

What? Real women, you berk. Do you need a diagram?

It's a wind -up.

You... You bastard.

You dirty, rotten bastard. Oh, come on. Where's your sense of humour?

Oh, we made you look a right... Oh, God, I was nearly on the point of telling

Mason.

Now, there's a thought.

Refill, Ruby.

The last will save him tonight.

Poor little thought. It's too much. I nearly brought the habit of a lifetime

offered him a freebie.

Oh, that'll be Jake.

What do you ask for, sir?

Oh, great lad, great. Did you bring the passkey? Yes, sir, but you'd better be

quick. I'll be back shortly.

Oh, Jill, too.

That's when I decided to retire.

From the force, that is.

I'll take up this job.

Not that I'm complaining, mind you. Has its interesting side.

Get the students, Jill.

Do you want to know what I think happened to Lord Lucan?

Telephone call for Mr Mason.

Telephone call for Mr Mason.

Damn.

Just when I was beginning to enjoy myself.

Don't go away.

I'll be straight back.

Mr Clegg here.

I wouldn't have bothered you personally, sir.

But if a rebuke has to be administered, I thought you were the most senior

officer.

Yes, I quite understand.

Go on.

I've already had three complaints about the noise from 309.

The last even suggested there might be an orgy in progress.

Orgy?

Are you sure?

Well, who made this complaint?

That I'm not at liberty to divulge. But his credentials are impeccable.

He's a man of cloth.

Oh, very well.

I'll deal with it right away.

And another drinky brew won't do us any harm.

Look, I've just received a disturbing phone call, Bill. Could you come along

with me to... Oh.

It's all right, Dan. It's not what you think.

Besides, he already has company.

What the hell is going on here? I think we've got a practical joke. Now, Flina,

this is your idea.

Oh, look at me. I'm looking at you.

What's going on in here? Oh, can't a girl have a private party without this

of outrageous intruder?

This is gross. It's gross.

Oh, why don't you shut up, you bloody pompous ball? You're not a commander any

more, you know. I'll see your discipline for this. Oh, please.

I don't suppose any of you schoolboys happen to have a pin upon his person?

I'm going to go to bed. Good night, Maggie. I'm going to bed. Night.

Night, children.

Night!

Last time you were at this hotel, you're a flack.

Keep out of it, Harry.

Unless you want your button up. Anyone want another drink? Yes, please.

Interesting evening.

Well, yes, yes. I think you could say that.

I've got something very interesting to show you.

Really?

OK,

right. Here you are. Thank you.

Morning,

Ruby.

Don't start.

Oh, Philip, you'll never live it down. You should have known better.

All I can say in my defence, when a DC asks you to join in, follow orders.

Where did he spend the night?

Went home, didn't he?

Ruby seems to have lost his appetite this morning.

I'll have two fried eggs, sausages, kidneys, oh, and fried bread, and a bowl

the loudest breakfast cereal you've got, please.

Yes, sir. Subito.

So where were you all night?

Consoling a friend.

Morning.

Morning.

Sleep well?

Why me?

Why me?

I'm a person, too. Why should I be persecuted?

I hate this job. I hate it. Calm yourself, Mr. Clegg. The police are

with everything.

But a meat cleaver in the head.

Blood everywhere.

There would be.

God, how inconsiderate can you get?

Cream patinelle in the kitchens.

It's unhygienic.

The health inspectors will close us down.

I don't believe it. I just don't believe it. Not after last night.

An attempted murder. Now this woman claims she's been robbed of £10 ,000

of jewellery. At a police convention.

It does seem rather excessive.

Well, in my opinion, it seems like a lot of jewellery for a guest to lose in a

hotel of this grade.

What do you mean by that?

What's wrong with this hotel?

You must be joking.

Look, I think the best thing we can do under the circumstances is we'll leave

this to the Paddington Hotel Squad to get on with the conference.

After that, we can all go home and catch up on our sleep.

Fuck!

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0