All language subtitles for The Drew Carey Show s04e05 Sexual Perversity in Cleveland

Where's that girl from McKinley? Go ask
her out.

Oh, no, I wouldn't know what to say.

Hey, come on. You got an automatic
conversation starter, huh? It's your

birthday. Go get her.

Hey, Kimberly, guess what?

It's my birthday.

Wow, happy birthday, Oswald. Yeah, so,
hey, you want to go out tonight? I got a

birthday check for my mom.

My little butt head? What does that
mean?

Oh, when I was born, I came out
backwards, so they thought my butt was

I didn't have oxygen for two whole
minutes.

Well, I'm kind of seeing somebody.

I should have thought so. Oh, look.

It's time for me to back away, grinning
like an idiot.

Here I go.

Hey, guys.

Oh, sorry, can't tonight, but next time
maybe, okay?

You know, it's your birthday, so I'll
buy that. Ah, she's been after me for

months. That poor little thing.

Who should be here any minute? I can't
believe you asked us to meet him here.

I know. If I was getting dumped by my
girlfriend, I'm not sure I'd want an

audience. That's not why we're here.
We're here for support when he tells you

that he's a nine -to -fiver, not a full
-time musician.

She's not going to dump him.

Uh -huh.

Okay, I'll take you're better off
without her.

And you take I think I saw her in a
porno.

Gee, thanks.

Okay, here we are, just a little bit
further.

Oh, good idea, Pig, but eventually she's
going to see us.

Who's that?

That's the woman that's propping up the
blindfold industry.

Okay.

Here we are.

Where are we?

Darcy, this is my life.

I know exactly what you mean. Sometimes
my life feels like this, too.

I'm not really a full -time musician. I
work days here at Winfrey Louder.

I was afraid if I told you, you'd think
I was boring.

Is that why you dyed your hair back and
shaved your beard?

Oh, yeah.

That, plus I was tired of people
yelling, Oh, my God, what happened to

Sutherland?

assume that I was some rock and roll
groupie who only dates musicians and

the rest of the world is a bunch of
pathetic Dilberts?

You mean you're not?

No. Really?

Oh, well, let me show you around. This
is my desk, and this is my cubicle.

Open the drawers and see all the people.

Hey, I think I dropped my earring
somewhere between here and the elevator,

I'll be right back.

You're better off without her.

I think I saw her in a porno.

Hey, Drew.

What's doing?

Saying goodnight to a girl I met on the
internet.

Night, honeybee 28.

I know what's going on here, Drew.
You're still hurting over Dorothy, but

can't hide out in cyberspace.

We just don't feel like going out right
now, okay?

And I gotta tell you, even though I met
her online just two hours ago, I know

more about her than women I've dated for
months.

That's great.

What's her real name?

I don't know.

Hey, everybody.

Hey. There's the birthday boy. You ready
for your birthday tackle?

What?

Can we do the rest of these some other
time?

What's the matter, buddy? Because we're
not making the choo -choo noises?

No.

It's my mom.

That check she gave me for my birthday
bounced.

I'm really sorry, man. What happened?

Yeah, and your mom was always so good
with money. Her partner cleared out

business accounts. You may lose the hair
salon and the bank might put clothes on

her house.

Wow. One of our parents is broke.

It's happening.

The parents are becoming the kids and
the kids are becoming the parents.

But the kids are still kids and there
are no parents.

Ice cream for dinner. Hey.

You're talking about my mom, you idiot.

I'm sorry. That was insensitive.

Hey, uh, she had other savings. What
about that money she put away to send

to college?

Nah, she blew that on an RV the week
after my SATs.

Hey.

That's crazy. You'd never do it. What?

Only a desperate, foolhardy loser with
no dignity or self -respect would pass.

Hey, I think I got something for you.
Lay it on me, big boy.

Okay, look.

There's a product test going on down at
Drug Co. They need male volunteers to

test out women's breast implants.

I could do that.

Do the women mind if you giggle when you
touch them?

They implant them in your chest, okay?
And then they take them out later to see

how they held up.

Does Draco have any real scientists, or
is it just an elaborate game of truth or

dare?

And they actually think a guy would do
that for any amount of money? $10 ,000.

$20 ,000 if you don't mind posing for
the Draco calendar.

And it's only temporary?

No, no, no, no, no.

No, I'm not going to do it. I mean,
there must be some other way we can come

with to get that money.

Hey, wait a minute.

Drew, don't you have a life insurance
policy through work? Yeah.

Boo!

Sorry. I would have felt guilty if you
had a... Boo!

Drew, I'm ready to take you to work.
Coming.

Hey, listen.

If you're going to borrow my car,
remember to pick me up, okay?

Last time I had to get a ride home from
that boiler room guy that has a bumper

sticker on his truck that says, ass,
ass, or ass, no one rides for free.

What's what?

The imported beer and the candle. Is
this from your cyber date?

I'll clean that up later. Come on, let's
go. Oh, wait. This is really

interesting. How far do these computer
dates go?

I don't type and tell.

Oh, come on. I'm really curious.

Okay, this is how it goes.

There's a lot of describing, a lot of
role playing.

It can get very romantic.

So basically you type with one hand.

Yeah. But we haven't gone that far yet.

That sounds too creepy, does it?

Not creepy, really.

Is pathetic that a word?

On the other hand, whatever Honeybee 28
and Beer Stud 2 decide to do with the

privacy of their own homes is their
business, isn't it? Beer Stud 2?

All right, forget pathetic dad.

Is weird dork a word?

Hey, Drew, how you doing? Gotta go, bye.
Hey, where you going, man? You just got

here. Oh, yeah, right. How you doing?
Gotta go, bye. Why are you wearing a

parka? It's almost 60 degrees outside.

I don't want to.

Wait a second.

Something's going on here.

Turn to the side. No.

Oh, my God, you did it. You got the
breath.

I had to do it for my mom. It's only for
31 days. I don't want to talk about it.

You wearing a bra?

Well, yeah.

They're big.

How big?

I don't want to talk about it.

Can I see them? No.

Let's go to a movie.

Hey, Oswald.

You get anything good for your birthday?

Yeah, a couple things.

I should have gone out with you that
night. I broke up with that guy I was

seeing, so, um, do you want to go out
for a cup of coffee after work?

I can't tonight. How about in 31 days?

Oh, look, if you're waiting for
something to clear up, I'm not

Oh, man, please, don't spread it around,
all right? I don't want everybody

knowing I got breath.

You got breath?

Hey, everybody, there's a guy here with
hooters.

Hey, buddy, let me go buy you a beer,
huh?

Hey, you know that girl I've been dating
on the Internet?

It's going really great.

Oh, yeah? Put it on our date. I'd like
to read it. Okay.

Hey, Mamie.

I fell behind in my paperwork because
there's only so many hours in a day, and

napped through all of them.

I need you to stay late tonight.

I hope you don't think that I'm kissing
up, but you suck as store manager.

I'm leaving at 5, and if you need
anything, you can just e -mail me.

All right, Bobeck.

This showdown's been a long time coming.

As long as Whit's in rehab, I'm your
boss, and you'll do exactly what I say.

Fine. And I'll go to your girlfriend,
Old Lady Louder, and I'll tell her that

you came on to me.

That's great.

My luck, it'll just titillate her, and
the three of us will end up flying to

Paris.

email address?

You just send it to honeybee28.

It's at peoplenet .com.

Don't interrupt me tonight because I'm
going to be online.

I met a man who knows how to talk to a
woman.

Move it, clown car.

Shove it, loads mobile.

Perception is pushed out of bounds.

You were brushing?

I did not. That was your knee.

I can't believe you tried to cop a feel.
Would you talk to him? Eyes up here,

mister.

I just don't get it. I'm not a girl.
What's your fascination with my breath?

It's nothing sexual.

We're just curious.

If you had a hand sticking out of your
head, we'd want to shake it.

You guys just aren't going to let up
until you get a peek, are you?

Well, it would take a lot of tension out
of the air.

All right.

But I'm standing up. I don't want to
feel your breath on him.

Okay, ready.

I'd shave him a little.

Are you guys done yet? Because I'm not
doing this again. Wait, wait!

Uh, Lewis was wondering if we could...
If

we could touch him.

No! Please?

Why? Come on, you touch him, don't you?
Well, sure.

Well, we want to touch him for the same
reason. I mean, you got to. You're

there.

All right.

But here's the deal. Left hand only.

fingertips, no palms, and no honking.

Oh, don't!

What would

I have walked in on if I'd stopped to
get gas?

What's that?

It's the message from Honeybee 28.

It's my date. Come on, you guys got to
get out of here.

Watch the game over at our place.

I'm right behind you, bud. I don't want
to watch a guy having cyber attack.

Stines, I got to get home and rub cocoa
butter on my man boobs.

It's for the stretch marks.

Well, that takes care of the heebies,
but I still got the jeebies.

Love the private chat room.

So, how do we start?

I've never done this before.

No, I mean online.

In real life, I've gone all the way
three or four times at least.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

So, did you dress up?

But it's a makeup just for me, huh?

Let's do it someplace dangerous.

I always wanted to have sex at work.

Me too.

Where do you work?

An apartment store? No way, that's so
cool.

Okay.

How about this?

your toes with whipped cream?

Oh, man, why did it take me so long to
meet this guy?

Let's keep the desk, but skip the
whipped cream, skip the

toes, and get right to the... Whoa.

I can't believe I did that in front of
my troll doll.

Beg pardon?

She collects troll dolls.

each other better.

Could you tell me your real name?

I don't know. You're not supposed to do
that.

Oh, well, it makes him happy. It's my
first name.

M.

Thank you for coming.

There's the bottle of sunshine I
ordered.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Don't mind me.

Get it!

Oh, dear, Mr. Wick, I didn't know you
already had visitors. I'll come back

later. No, no, no, no. I have to make
amends to you, too.

No, there's no need to apologize.

Hello, Miss Bobak.

Oh, what is that? Some old maid joke?
Screw you! Go to hell!

We do something here in rehab that may
help you both.

We learn to express our feelings through
interpretive dance.

You two begin stretching. I'll go get
the guitar.

I won't leave if you don't.

Fine. I'm not stretching.

Good. Then I'm not losing my lunch.

It's you, isn't it? What?

Dent.

how it smells will bring you back to the
childhood, huh, Mimi?

You have a computer, right?

Yeah, but I hardly use it.

My sister's been chasing this guy that
she met on the Internet, and I don't

think he's ever going to call again, but
is there some way to track somebody?

No.

I'm sorry.

What I meant to say was no.

She just wanted to say goodbye.

Want to know the truth, Mimi?

Sometimes there's a lot of really good,
legitimate reasons why guys don't call

back.

Oh, really?

Is that so?

Would you mind typing a list and taping
it to your forehead and shooting a hole

through it?

Well, time for another shower.

Dear Honeybee, I want to explain my
sudden disappearance.

The time we spent together was...

special.

And after you, whipped cream will never
taste as

sweet.

Well, I would love to continue our trip.
I think it's only right that I try to

fix my life and put the pieces back
together.

I think I've put Hillary through enough
already.

Me over Parma, do -do -do -do -do -do
-do.

Me over Parma.

We're going bowling.

Me over Parma. Tonight.

That's it.