Original subtitles

97, 98,

99.

Who is it?

Electrician.

The door was unlocked, so I came right up.

Sorry I'm late, sir.

You're my first job since I got out of an all -women's prison.

Boy, is it hot in here.

It's my gooseneck. It doesn't work anymore.

Maybe it needs a woman's touch.

Have you tried jiggling it a little?

Constantly.

Well, my jiggling hasn't damaged it.

Well, let's flip the switch and find out.

At least you know it's not a short.

I'm sorry.

This is my first time in front of a camera.

Hey, I'm just happy to have a co -star.

We'll just pick it up where we left off.

Look, I'm still worried that somebody's going to find this tape. I mean, we've

got to make sure when we're finished that we label it something no one would

ever want to see.

How about we call it Drew Having Sex?

How about this for boring?

Fifty Misconceptions About Human Resources.

Hey, there's nothing boring about my job. A lot of good things. Oh, yeah,

good one.

Okay, I'm ready.

And now let's try to get this right the first time, because as you know, I don't

do second takes.

Here, stand it here. I'll turn off the ringer.

Hello, it's Mom.

Are you there?

Oh, hang up on my mom to make a sex tape?

Hey, Mom.

Yeah, I'm looking forward to seeing you in a couple days.

Tomorrow morning?

Yeah.

Well, Mickey's looking forward to seeing you, too.

Yeah, it's going to be great.

Hey, listen, why don't you save that story about Aunt Mildred's infected eyes

for another time?

We'll talk about it tomorrow at dinner.

Yeah, love you, too. Bye.

Okay.

Dirty thoughts, dirty thoughts, dirty thoughts. Okay, I'm back.

Okay, first, I want to dedicate this to our children who might find this tape

someday.

Kids, this is your mom and dad on their first date.

Close your damn again, honey.

Don't worry, kids, that's a good kind of owie.

Back where it comes from.

It's such a crude attitude.

It's back where it belongs.

All the little chicks with the crimson lips go Cleveland Rock, Cleveland Rock.

Living in sin with a safety bed.

What are you doing?

Breakfast will be ready in a minute.

We've been waiting forever, half the morning.

Still keeping a rock star's hours, huh, kid?

Yeah, it's quarter to seven.

So, when do we get to meet Nicky? Oh, she'll be down in a minute.

What? You slept with a woman before you were married?

Is this the way your father and I raised you?

leg drew if we really thought you hadn't had sex by now we'd kill ourselves

oh hey you're here already oh

is this the angel who saved my son from dying alone give me a hug

what a sweetheart thank you for marrying

my son drew

You know, stopping the rumor mill at the family reunion.

I'm so sorry. I've got to run. My office just called, and I've got to be at the

airport in an hour.

Well, we'll catch up later.

Okay.

Bye, Drew.

Bye -bye.

Well, that is one big, beautiful girl you've got.

And now, if you will excuse me, it's been a long drive. I'm back on my home

turf. Now it's time for a little rumble in the jungle.

Hey, Mom, can you sit down for a second? I have to talk to you about something.

Yes, of course, dear.

Something happened last night.

Hey, anybody home? It's the kids you wish you had.

Hold that thought. I've got to give out some hugs.

Oh, congratulations,

Oswald. I'm so happy for you, Katie.

Thank you.

And Lewis.

Hey, there's an Oswald in the old ball and chain.

In the old ball and chain.

What's that all about?

I put it on it for the bachelor party today.

Hey, wait a minute. Drew's getting married, too. How come he's not lugging

around an extra 30 pounds?

Well,

you can't call them uptight. No, no.

I've already got the nature documentaries lined up for the party

we're also going to hire a juggler. Yeah, you want a blonde juggler,

juggler, or redhead juggler?

Oh, please, boys. I know all about stag films and strippers.

No, we're really hiring jugglers, Mrs. Carey.

Naked jugglers.

Well, we got to get some more buzz beer for the party. Come on, Katie Ball.

You too, Katie.

Yeah, bye, Mr. Terry.

Don't get up.

Oh, it's so sad.

Everybody's getting married but Lewis.

Heart of gold body of a hat rat.

What are you going to do?

Mom, I decided I'm not going to get married to Nicky.

Have you got any tomato paste? Because I'm going to make some pasta sauce.

Mom, did you even hear me?

No, I couldn't hear because of the sound of my heart breaking.

Look, something happened last night between me and Nicky, and I just decided

she's not the woman for me.

Oh, honey, Nicky is wonderful.

And even if she wasn't, nobody is perfect. On some things, we have to

little. I know all about settling, Mom. I'm the one that asked Widow Henderson

to the prom, remember?

Bingo night, my ass.

Drew, you know, dear, I've seen pictures of when you started dating Nikki, and

she has put on a lot of weight.

Now, is that what this is about?

Look, I told you, I'm not going to get into the details, all right? I just made

up my mind to call it off, and that's that.

Well, you're not going to tell your father.

Well, eventually he's going to come out of the bathroom, so I'm just going to

have to tell him.

Now, I didn't want to worry you, but your father's been going through a

depression for almost a year. What he doesn't need right now is bad news.

Hey, bro.

Mom!

Boy, it's good to see you.

Hello,

Steve. You look beautiful.

Well, I'm my mother's son.

Here's Dad. I've decided it's time to finally tell him I'm a cross -dresser.

Don't I hit my oldest son down there?

The biggest life, Dad.

How are you doing?

You're still a ladies' man.

Well, you could say that.

Now is not the time. You've got to leave before he sees you. Get out of here.

Just don't push me.

Just because I'm in a dress doesn't mean I can't kick your butt all over the

house.

Who's your maid of honor?

Who's your maid of honor?

Backing out of the wedding.

Yeah, now I definitely am. Good night, ladies.

Good night, ladies.

Good night, ladies. He's almost done.

Now, your father is not himself lately, and he doesn't need to see this. Now,

leave. Is the bachelor party off?

Oh, yeah, I guess.

No, you can't hurt your father, and you're not going to spoil Oswald's big

night. No, you're going to go to that party like everything is fine, at least

give your father that, and later, when the time is right, I'll break it to him.

And you're going to go to the party, too, and you'll wear a suit.

A pantsuit and suit, right? No!

Oh, Lord!

Where did I go wrong with you boys?

I told you if you didn't get in that red bike, there'd be trouble.

Really? you're not getting the bike and that's final.

50 misconceptions about human resources.

I never did understand Drew's job. Let's pop it in the old VCR.

Man, you're going to love this tape.

The first 20 minutes is real exciting. It's about preferred provider health

insurance. Then the next 20 minutes kind of drag.

But then it picks up at the end. It's all about human resource ergonomics. You

know, how dividers work, how tall they are, stuff like that. You know what?

I think we already rented this in Florida, didn't we, Bill?

It sounds familiar. Let's have breakfast.

I even got the workbook to go with it. I said we saw it.

Hello, me.

Mimi, have you seen Drew? I thought I would surprise him with a new shirt for

the bachelor party.

Oh, he left already.

I was sorry to hear about your future daughter -in -law.

Why? What have you heard?

She's marrying your son.

Oh, you are full of the dickens.

What about you, Mimi? When are you going to settle down?

Well, now that Drew's off the market, all the good ones are taken.

But seriously, I look at wedding rings as the world's smallest handcuffs.

Now, Mimi, I know you're popular with the boys now, but even the brightest

colors fade. It's the wedding, isn't it? Something's wrong.

Oh, all right. What happened? Is the wedding off?

Drew doesn't want to marry Nicky.

Why is it that things don't work out with him and women?

It goes for the wrong type.

I mean, he falls for these soft, spineless baby dolls.

Yuck, I just want to knock him down and make him cry.

What kind of a woman would be right for him?

Well, they need someone strong, confident, who speaks their mind and can

knock your socks off in bed.

In other words, the perfect woman for Drew is you.

Hey, when did this conversation turn against me?

Yeah, what a great bachelor party, huh?

Boy, I can't imagine the wedding being more fun than this.

Shouldn't we just stop at the last place we had fun?

Son, you're confusing me. Either drink more or drink less.

Considering I'm just about to watch porn with my dad, I think I'll drink more.

Gather round, kiddies. It's story time.

Oh, what's this one about, Uncle Larry? It's about actors who couldn't get on

the subs going at it like animals.

My cousin Joey had to box full of these things. I just skimmed a couple off the

top.

This new college, boys, is about to get mighty steamy in here.

Oh, man.

The beach out.

You know, somebody's got to be getting something.

That's his guy. The tall guys always get it first.

Hey,

here comes some more guys. Man, you're going to skip the outfits for a while. I

wonder what the women are going to wear.

My God,

they've started without the women.

Maybe he's just warming them up until the girls get there.

No.

What the heck is this stuff?

Buns of Navarone?

Men and bats.

Don't worry, guys. I've got backup. Yeah.

50 misconceptions about human resources.

I know it's kind of a weird title, but I got it from Drew's secret drawer, so I

know it's H -O -T -H -O -T, baby.

Yeah, my dad already saw it. Tell him how good it is, Dad. I told you I saw

I'll get the key.

Well, look, before we get to that...

You guys got to know how we feel about you. And, well, we know things are a

little tight right now.

So the whole neighborhood chipped in to help you get started on your new life.

Happy marriage, buddy. Oh, my God, for me?

And, Drew, we actually started saving this money to buy you a wife. But after

we passed your picture around the village, all the single women threw

into the volcano.

Hey, thanks, guys, really. I just, you have to give this money back to

everybody. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Oh, look at all this money. Anybody

tells Kate about this, I'll kill you.

Oh, my God, what's happening to me? What are you looking at? Whoa!

Come here, son.

What the hell is the matter with you? The guys do something nice, you throw it

in their faces?

Hey, I appreciate it. I just don't want it. Well, I hate to be the one to break

this news to you, big shot, but you need this money.

No, I mean, if you're too stupid to see that you and Nicky need a nest egg, I'm

going to make you take it. Stop it. Just stop it. Nicky and I are getting

married.

Okay. Mom didn't want me to tell you. She told me about what you were going

through with your depression and your therapy.

What happened, son? You don't love her anymore.

No.

I just don't love her anymore.

You'll be okay?

Well, I'm not dancing in the aisle, but thank God you didn't marry someone you

don't love.

Oh, man.

Mom's going to be really happy you're fine with her. I mean, she's so worried

about you.

Oh, let me tell you a little secret.

I did go through a really heavy depression for a month.

The last few months, I've just been milking it to get out of yard work.

All right, it's cake time.

We all know what's in there, so come on out, sweetheart.

I'm a cross -dresser and I wanted the whole world to know.

Look at the bright side, Dad. You just got out of yard work for the rest of

life.

to deal with your brother's change.

He stopped in Savannah and got him the cutest little one -piece.

Anyway, I hope that you let Nicky down easy, honey. From what you told us, she

must have loved you a lot.

Well, bye -bye.

Hey, Viola, the grass ain't gonna cut itself.

What's your name again, honey?

Ow!

Don't worry, kids, that's a good kind of owie.

I don't know.

I almost forgot.

I got flavored oils.

Oh.

I can't believe we're doing this. I know.

I hate to look at the monitor.

I can see my face.

How do people ever have sex before video cameras?

You know, we're lucky.

My grandmother had to walk six miles in the snow to have sex.

Oh, my God.

What?

I'm going home.

Hey, listen.

I'm sorry. Look,

this was a stupid idea. If it makes you uncomfortable, I'll just shut it off.

No, it's not that.

Look at me.

I'm a pig. I'm disgusting.

How can you even look at me?

I love looking at you. You look great.

Saying that, you know I don't look great.

You just saw my big fat ass on TV.

I knew this was going to happen.

This is why I didn't want to start dating you in the first place.

I can't handle being around someone who loves to eat.

Well, you know you picked a hell of a guy to get engaged to, you know.

I love you.

I'll work. I'll help you. You can't help me.

You're the problem.

Here.

You should probably have your ring back.

You'll be safe there.