Original subtitles

Oh, my God, these are beautiful.

Wow, I can get any of these engagement rings for only $300.

That's the everyday win for the louder price.

Wow, I had no idea diamonds were so cheap. I should buy diamond underpants

something.

Well, these aren't real diamonds. No, I assumed you'd want something a little

less expensive.

These are diamond L's. Oh.

Diamond L's? What's a diamond L?

Uh, well, uh, you see that window over there?

Yes. Well, that's a real big diamond, Al.

What makes you think we can't afford a real diamond?

Oh, Drew, I'm trained to read a customer. I can take one quick look at

tell you what you make a year.

Okay, shoot.

Fantastic Sam haircut.

A fast food physique.

Tie that you wanted a carnival?

Just so happens I got this for free with 30 gallons of premium.

We love these women. Don't you have any real diamonds?

Sure, but it's going to cost you a little more.

Hey, this one's nice.

I'm not sure if it didn't die for me, Chuck.

That looks like a sausage.

I think he was feeding me sausages, and after a horrible near accident, I

realized her fingers were the exact same size.

Well, that looks nice.

But what would look nice on a sausage?

You got anything with a little pizazz?

Well, I have everything from this small but perfect pinpoint of light to this

one. Quite flawed, but it's huge.

Oh, I'll take the big and flawed, just like Kate took the big and flawed.

I'll take the small and perfect.

Just like I'm going to be someday.

Well, it will take me some time to get them cleaned inside, so I will have to

call you when they're ready.

Is there any way you can put a rush on it? Because I was hoping to give it to

fiancée when I meet her parents tonight for dinner.

Well, I suppose you'd like me to propose for you, too.

Come on, I'm on commission. I am dying here.

Okay, okay.

Just don't forget my employee discount.

Of course, your employee discount. Any coupons before I go?

Yeah, how about taking 25 % off that attitude?

You know, I work hard for my money. I deserve a little respect.

Give me the coupon.

Here you go.

Joe, what's going on? Why'd you call me up here?

I didn't call you up here. All right, they're here. Gather around, everyone.

I want you all to know that two miracles have happened.

First, Carrie is getting married.

Who was born a woman?

And then there's Kate and her need to fix things.

Okay,

can I have your attention?

Now that Drew Carey's getting married, I have a petition here to make it against

the law for him to breathe.

It started out as a joke and then it just kind of snowballed. I got a lot of

signatures, so sign it if you want.

I want to say something, too.

I've never been happier in my life.

Because when I look at Oswald, nothing else matters.

With your love... Oh, baby, back it up. I want Louis to hear this.

Am I crazy or was I just talking?

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt.

I just came by for lunch.

And I'm glad I did.

Those sideburns are getting a little shaggy, huh?

How about I come by Saturday?

Louis trims your sideburns?

Just my ear hair.

This is not about you, Drew. This is about Oswald and me. Or should I say

Lewis and me? We live together now. I should have a say in your sideburns.

Jeez, you won. Get over it.

Hey, how many guys here have ever had a buddy trim your hair?

Thank you.

See, I told you, Lewis and I have a normal relationship.

And how many guys let another guy sing you a little song if you're feeling

You bunch of freaks.

You know, I think we have a little problem here.

It's bad enough you're on the phone with him six times a day. You can't keep

doing everything together.

We're getting married. Something has got to change.

Katie Bear. Katie.

Katie.

Your son will come up.

It's your bottom dollar that tomorrow.

There'll be sun.

Just thinking about tomorrow.

Waves away the cobwebs and the sorrow.

Till there's no...

Back where it comes from.

It's such a crude attitude.

It's back where...

I'm glad you came for premarital counseling because I can definitely

tension. Now, who is this Louis?

He's our friend and Oswald's old roommate.

He drove us here.

See, that's the problem. I feel like he's around us all the time.

We're never alone.

Kate, as your relationship with Oswald grows, his old relationships will become

less important.

But in the meantime...

It's up to you to incorporate them into... Could you try taking this

Oswald? Oh, I'm sorry, Father. I was just wondering, why did the church use

black and white as their fighting colors?

Well, the first pope was a big Raiders fan.

Now, Kate, Oswald, this is a problem that can be solved.

Father, where's the restroom?

It's right down the hall. I'll be right back.

Oswald.

Kate's willingness to talk this thing through proves that she's got a lot of

love in her heart.

I think if you're able to meet her halfway on this issue, that she may come

around.

What is it, my son?

Father? I think we should pray.

Hi,

welcome to Johnny's. Hi, I'm here to meet the Pfeiffer party. Oh, yes, right

this way. Oh, listen, before we go over there, this is going to sound kind of

crazy, but...

They're going to be my future in -laws.

So, how do I look?

You want the truth?

No, I can't handle the truth. Then you look great!

Hi, I'm Drew. You must be Mr. and Mrs. Piper. Please, Chuck and Charlene. Hey,

easy there, big fella. You're not crushing walnuts.

Sorry, that's my nut -crushing hand.

So, where's Nikki? She loves my good humor.

I'm afraid she's not coming.

So it's just us then.

Nikki snowed in at her sister's in Minneapolis.

Could be a week before she gets out.

Well, you know, we can do this another night. We can't. Chuck and I are only in

town for a couple of days.

And our little girl's not getting married until I approve the guy she's

Now let's relax and get to know each other.

Dinner's on me tonight.

Tell us about a day in the life of Drew Carey.

Oh, you know, I get up, go to work, go home, go to sleep.

You're quite a salesman, son.

Gee, I really didn't think I'd have to sell myself tonight.

Wouldn't hurt.

Boy, you know, I wish you could see me and Nicky together. I mean, we'd make a

great couple.

Oh, hold on.

Here's a picture of the two of us at Christmas.

Oh, my God.

Nikki's huge.

She must have gained at least 50 pounds. Now, what made her get off her diet?

I think she looks great.

Well, there's your problem. She can't be around eaters.

Don't blame him.

Nikki's heavy because you spent her whole childhood rewarding her with food.

Hey, my mom did that. I turned out okay. Look, if you just eat a little more

bread and shut up, I might like you a little better.

Feed the fat kid. Hey, don't call me the fat kid.

This didn't start because of the fat kid. It started because you were pushing

Nicky to be perfect.

I said, quit calling me the fat kid.

The problem with you two is you don't listen.

You hear that?

Even Drew says you don't listen. Oh, well, thank you, Drew.

You want to know something else he doesn't do?

I don't think so.

We haven't had decent sex in ten years.

You know...

None of my... I'm not trying to take any sides here, but, you know, they say,

you know, Prozac can really affect a man's sexual performance.

If, in fact, you do take Prozac.

You told Nicky, and now the fat kid knows.

Well, of course I talked to Nicky. Well, I had to talk to someone.

God knows when I try to talk to you, you just go downstairs and play with those

damn trains.

At least when I turn on my trains, they move.

want to see move, I'm moving out.

I don't need Drew here to draw me a map. Well, he certainly enlightened me. I'm

just sorry it took a stranger to show me that my marriage was dead.

Hey, listen, before I get upset here, is this normal dinner conversation for

you?

I'm calling an attorney.

You can find your own way back to the hotel.

Oh, wait a second. You think you can't get a divorce?

Oh, man, Nikki's gonna kill me.

If she's anything like her mother, it'll be long and slow.

Well, uh, Pop, here's to, uh, can't get any worse, huh? Oh, crap.

Charlene's got my wallet. You're gonna have to buy the dinner.

Touché.

Hey, Nicky, how you doing?

Oh, dinner with your parents went great.

Yeah, just one thing I want to ask. Have you ever noticed any kind of tension

between them?

Yeah, you're right. I must be imagining things.

Okay. All right. We'll see you in a few days.

Bye, honey. Love you, too.

Well, I dodged that bullet.

Now all I had to do was get out a ticket, chuck around, and pick up

Chicks? That's what he said.

Yeah.

I understand your problem, and I know what you should do.

What? Kill yourself.

Oh, wait, that just solves my problem.

What was your problem?

I'm trying to cure a guy I know of wanting to be single. What are you doing

Saturday night?

Washing my hair in the sweat of three men.

Takes two guys to hold the third guy down.

Kate, I need to talk to you. I feel really bad about what happened. I want

make it up to you.

Kate, I present to you my beautiful Princess Kate, this ring.

I love it.

It's so big.

Is it a real diamond?

Technically, yes.

It's the most romantic thing I've ever seen.

Well, you know me, I'm a romantic.

Okay, get the pillow, get the flashlight. Oh, yeah, I love you, Kate.

What's that?

Well, it's nothing. It's just a note that I myself made.

Oh.

It's Louis' handwriting.

No, it's not.

Number six. Don't let Kate see this. She knows my handwriting. Your pal, Louis.

I'm sorry, Kate. Let me tell you how sorry I am. Oh, oh.

That's from Louis.

I'm going to make you a new pocket to shove that back into.

Oh. Oh.

Why don't we start by each of you telling me what you want from this

relationship? I just want to make Kate happy.

I want to be the most important person in Oswald's life, which I don't think

that I am.

I want to know why I got the little chair.

Oswald, when you enter a marriage, your spouse must become your first priority.

I've been friends with Louis my whole life. I just don't know what to do.

What do you get from your relationship with Louis?

Well, friendship.

companionship, guidance, support, and a whole lot of laughs.

Okay. And what do you get from Kate?

Well, friendship, companionship, guidance, support, lots of laughs,

and... Oh.

Thanks, Padre. I think I'm cured.

Let's get out of here. You gonna be okay, buddy?

You kids go have your fun.

So, what do you want to do now, Father?

Actually, Lewis, I'm going to be conducting a funeral service in about a

hour. Hey, mind if I tag along?

We're going to be outside. I've got a bucket of balls and a seminar in the

of my car.

Yeah, all right, let's go.

Well, here we are. It's where all my single friends hang out.

Although, I've got to tell you, I'm a little uncomfortable cruising for chicks

with my fiancé's father.

Hey, Drew.

Hey, nice to see you again, Mr. Pfeiffer.

Just having a couple beers before I head off to an orgy.

Really?

You're going to an orgy? Oh, yeah.

Computer sex.

See, in the 90s, the Internet's the only safe way to do it. I just come down

here to memorize some faces to put on my cyber dates.

Hey.

You're pretty.

Too late, baby.

It's all up here.

Hey, we should try that someday.

Let's grab a table.

Hey, Drew, I don't think I've met your friend.

Oh, uh, Kate, this is Chuck.

Newly single.

Oh, I like a man who's locked once or twice. They appreciate a good woman when

they see one. Well, I'm seeing and I'm appreciating.

Can I buy you a drink?

Sure.

But before you do, I want you to know that my acceptance is not tasked with

approval for you to touch me, lure at me, or disrespect me in any way.

Furthermore, if I agree to let you drive me home, I'm still under no obligation

to kiss, fondle, or even look at you.

It's all here in the contract.

Don't even think about having sex. The paperwork will kill you.

Do you want insurance, Mr. Pfeiffer?

Did I say my name was Pfeiffer?

I call everyone Pfeiffer. Look at that fat Pfeiffer over there.

Oh, like if I was to say to Drew, if you think this plan is going to get me back

with my wife, you're one dumb mother Pfeiffer.

All right, fine, I give up.

You know what it's like to be single nowadays?

I'll show you.

With a vengeance.

Well,

I'm just a modern guy.

Of course, I've had it in the ear before.

Good luck for life.

Good luck for life.

Thank you. Thank you.

their pedestrian animated fare, wouldn't you say?

You know what was funny, though?

What? That french fry.

Hey,

I got more beer and cheese.

Well, I guess I'll head on back to the wife.

What?

Yeah, I didn't realize how good I had it.

She's not perfect, but you people and your piddly crap, my God.

Keep this pace up every night? What are we, the Rolling Stones?

Tell Nicky I'm sorry we missed her.

So, I have your blessing?

Son, when Nicky was a little kid, I told her not to take chances.

Apparently, I got through.

Welcome to the family.

Well, I guess our plan to show him a dull time really worked.

Yeah, glad we came up with that plan to make a theme totally shallow and dull.

How clever of us.

Damn it, come on, we know how to have a good time.

Hey, you thinking what I'm thinking?

Speedy in the backyard?

Let's make his dog howl at the moon.

Most people just wave goodbye.

I want to congratulate you both again on your impending nuptials. And just to

show I'm over that little crush I had on you, I got you an engagement gift.

An alarm clock. Thank you. It's something you can take with you on

Hey, what's this in here? It looks like a little lens or something.

No, it's solar powered.

You must leave a light on at all times.

It's a camera.

Does that disgust or titillate you?

Disgust. Yes, you're right.