All language subtitles for The Drew Carey Show s03e16 The Salon

Here's your paycheck.

Hey, look, a flaming non -sexual.

Joke's on you, Mimi, because I can turn
any disaster into a tasty treat.

Fire good, huh, Drew?

Drew, babe, Hunter, kill many
marshmallow for long winter.

Listen, I... I just came by to say I'm
sorry about last night.

I'll never raise sea monkeys in your
beer mug again.

Hey, I'm over it.

I just hope the little guy survived when
the levee breaks.

Actually, I'm glad you're here.

I'm going to get back at Mimi with these
cans of hairspray.

Just play along.

Oh, Mimi!

Take your best shot, pig.

Actually, Kate brought down this amazing
hairspray from Cosmetics. She says

everybody's using it. Kathy Lee, Hanson,
Kith.

Really? Yeah, right, Kate?

I'm going to try it as soon as I get
home.

Oh, why wait?

There.

Now I'm over the sea monkeys.

Mimi, you can go now.

No flames, no screaming, no blood.

Where's the comedy?

Carrie. Oh, Brian.

Must have been a hell of a sneeze.

By the way, Carrie, Miss Hainsworth here
has taken a job with the House of

Chanel, so I'll need to get a new
women's clothing buyer, someone with

culture, who could travel to Paris and
hobnob with the fashion elite.

Poise and culture? I got craploads of
poise and culture.

I would kiss a lot of derriere if I
could go to Paris.

Well, we love to promote from within.

Gary, can I speak to you?

No offense, but I don't think this job
is suited for carny folk like your

Kate.

I look forward to reading your resume.

What'd she say? She said something bad,
didn't she?

Uh, I don't know why, but she said
you're not, uh, oh, sophisticated enough

the job. You got some gunk hanging from
your nose there.

Wow. What was I thinking?

I couldn't get that job anyway.

I'm just not one of those people.

Hey, spunky.

I don't want to hear you talking like
that, huh?

You would be great for that job. You
know, fashion. You're not from some hick

town. You're from Cleveland, the Paris
of Northeast Ohio.

You're right.

I deserve that job. I can get that job.

I mean, all I have to do is work on some
of the issues that are holding me back.

Like what? You know, like my tendency to
hold grudges.

As usual, nothing sticks around down
there.

Like a mother and daughter, they're
yelling at a guy.

I'd say the topic is, Mama, stay away
from my man.

Then why does he have a swastika
tattooed on his forehead?

It's, he ain't heavy, he's my Nazi
brother.

Oh, you poor, simple -working folk.

As anyone can see, that's not a swastika
tattoo. It's the beginning of a third

eye. And that's not a mother with her
daughter. It's Sigourney Weaver and Paul

Simon.

And this isn't water I'm drinking. It's
vodka, which means I'm not charming and

witty. I'm drunk and obnoxious.

Okay, Tim, pull the cloth.

Oh, wow.

We're all wrong. It's a mousketeer
reunion.

Did you talk to Mrs. Louder? Did I get
the buyer's job?

I talked to Mrs. Louder, and she said
she could overlook the Philly strength.

Great. But what she couldn't overlook
was your lack of respect.

What a load of crap.

I have the same problem as Drug Co. They
just don't see me as management

material. It's never, Lewis, what do we
do about all the monkey feces?

It's, Lewis, clean up the monkey feces.
Lewis, hose down the monkey feces.

Lewis, sweep up the monkey feces. Monkey
feces this. Monkey feces that.

Oh, that reminds me. I've got to wash my
hands.

You know what you should do?

Just have a regular conversation with
Mrs. Lowder. Then she can see how smart

you really are.

Sure, but where are people like Louis
and me going to have a chance to sit

and have a heart -to -heart with our
bosses?

Oh, hey.

I got an idea.

I read about this thing. It's called a
salon.

And you have people over and you have,
like, discussions about social issues,

politics and stuff. I got it. How do we
always know when someone's

sophisticated?

Uh, their zippers zip back up when they
come back from the bathroom.

No. Picture this.

Bifocals and white powdered wigs.

Okay, back to the salon.

I'm not sure this is something where I
can really shine. I'm not so good at

group discussions. I just get quiet.

I love group discussions.

I like to pick on the quiet people.

What do you think about that, Kate?

Speak up. Don't choke. What is it, Kate?
What are you trying to say? What is it,

Kate? Ow!

Drew, I'll just end up looking dumb.

No, you'll be among friends, except for
Louis here.

And you can pick out all the subjects in
advance so you can study up on them.

Hey, if we're cheating, I'll invite my
boss.

The night isn't easy, but how do we get
the heads of two big corporations like

that to actually show up at your house?

Yahtzee, the amazing game of chance.

Intelligent conversation,

Yahtzee. Way to the monkeys at work here
about this.

Come Monday, we'll see who's showing
who's red ass to who.

Hey, neighbor.

May I interest you in a fromage doodle?

It's made with 30 % real fromage.

No, thanks. I spit the last one into my
papier napkin.

Look, Carrie, if we're here because
we're the only smart people you know,

are these other people?

Oh, Oswald found some college kids at
the library. We gave them each a six

to show up.

See that guy? He's getting a 12 -pack.
He skipped his bar exam to come here.

Those are pretty nice suits for college
chances.

Now, don't be upset, Greg.

You'll get them back tomorrow.

Those are my suits?

That is the tour boss. Is that
everything I said or what?

So exhilarating. I've never seen a
kitchen with such a collection of

and preservatives and fluids. Not one
piece of organic food inside.

Tell me, how long ago did this man die?

He's still alive.

He's still alive.

Oh, Lord. If we could just observe him.
Observe him? If you're gentle, he'll eat

right out of your hand.

May I refresh your drink, Mrs. Lowry?

You know I never would have believed
that you and Drew had such a wonderful

group of friends.

We checked them out at the library.

How droll.

Droll's a compliment, everybody.

It's an adjective.

Hey, Drew, we got some more smart
people. Where do you want them?

That corner looks kind of stupid.

You got a problem.

My boss and I are having a disagreement
about physics.

He thinks Hawking's brief history of
time oversimplifies the concept of dark

matter in relation to the Big Bang
Theory, whereas I don't know what the

he's talking about.

I'll tell you what I do. Every time Kate
brings up something I don't know

anything about, I pretend it upsets me.

Oh, you do, do you?

Is this the time to bring this up?

In front of my friends, in front of all
these people.

That must be more culture knocking.

Am I late

for the salon?

Not invited, queen, is a fella.

Out of my way, my lard.

I want a fashion buyer's job, too. I'm
just as sophisticated as O 'Brien, and I

got culture coming out the wazoo.

Yeah, well, you can't just barge in
here. Don't ever mention your wazoo to

again.

Don't give me any trouble and I'll turn
this into an episode of Cops.

Move it, Poindexter.

Okay, everybody, if we could all take
our seats. It's time to get started.

As is our custom, Kate will begin, and
she always stimulates the most lively

discussion. Oh, no, I don't. Whoa!

I don't want to get into that with her.

And, of course, the first rebuttal will
go to Louis, the master of repartee.

Yep.

Oswald, the pre -selected topics,
please.

Mrs. Lotter, we'd be honored if you'd be
the first to select.

Oh, well, thank you.

The topic we'll discuss this evening is
the poetry of James

Dickey.

Dickie.

Back in the 60s, I couldn't get enough,
Dickie.

Dickie.

I put that one in there. I didn't even
make it up. It's a real name.

Oh, let's pick another topic or he'll be
giggling all night.

In your opinion, what are the three
greatest art movements of the past

I think Blues has an opinion about that,
don't you, Lewis?

Yes, I do.

Surrealism, postmodernism, and daddyism.

Lewis, I had no idea you knew this much
about art. Now tell me something. Do you

think that Max Ernst manipulated Peggy
Guggenheim so to establish his social

position among the surrealists?

Is this any time to bring this up?

I don't know what we can talk about.

Politics. Just the other day, Kate and I
were having a great discussion about

overcrowding in our penal institutions.

I'd like to handle that one, if I may.

Didn't Dickie have a penal problem?

And Drug Co., we are developing a pill
that will make prisons obsolete.

Really? What does it do?

It kills you.

I said, we're just starting working on
it, of course.

Well, speaking of prisons, you know,
I've heard that some prisoners now have

their own website on the Internet.

Oh, there's the subject.

That's your ship on the Internet.

Oh, don't get me started. Aim here.

I'm against it.

I shouldn't have said anything. It's
just my opinion.

And it's a stupid opinion.

Excuse me?

You know what I think? You work for me.

No. Then why are you talking to me?

All right, grab our books, honey. We're
out of here. See you, Drew.

See you, Miss Daisy.

You know, that's what a slot's all
about. The heated exchange of ideas.

Drew. The Internet's for everybody. You
should be able to say whatever you want

to say. So what you're saying is don't
take away my porn. No.

Well, you can't just let people say
whatever they want.

This stuff is in our homes. Any good
conservative will tell you that.

Well, maybe you're out of touch, because
a lot of conservatives I know are

against censoring the Internet.

Out of touch? Are you saying I'm old?
And by the way, do you have a nose that

goes with those Groucho glasses? You've
already got the mustache.

What did you say?

Hey, here's the topic. Shutting up. Why
don't people? I know what I'm talking

about, Grandma. You take that back. I
will not take it back. I will take back

your job. You are fired.

What?

You gave up your job over Internet
censorship?

Way to pick your battles.

I gotta go talk to her.

You don't have to act like a spoiled
brat just because you're wrong. It

mean you're stupid.

There goes the smartest woman I know.

And look, Kate's on the hood of her car.

All right, let's go.

So, Kate, how does it feel to be a part
-time member of the global particle

family?

Mind -numbing.

I figured the whole thing out in the
first 20 minutes.

Yeah, isn't it great?

Sometimes I'll think out for like a
minute.

Before I know it, the whole day's gone.
I didn't have to think once.

Well, sorry.

Hey, what are you apologizing for? It
cut you off.

Hey, learn to drive, idiot.

What?

Save me a buddy.

Kick, kick, kick, kick. Don't, don't,
don't, don't. The bread truck drivers

go off on you.

If you give me that job, I'll drop the
harassment suit.

I'll consider it right after I talk with
Mumsy.

He's busy.

I want a yes right now. Enough, Mimi.
Give me that phone.

Do you have a hearing problem? I said
he's busy, you mad cow.

Mimi, I may be power mad.

I may be a corporate weasel.

I may even be a sleazebag.

But I am first and foremost a mama's
boy.

And you never, ever insult the mama of a
mama's boy.

I take that back.

I'm giving you a countersuit for
defamation of my character.

I'll battle you to the day I die.

And then after that, I'll see you in
hell.

You'll know me!

I'll be the one standing there with my
mummy!

What's the matter, Mimi? I think you
look pale, but who can tell?

Really? Was it as bad for you as it was
for you?

Drew, I came as soon as you called.

Carrie, I got your message.

Drew, what's going on?

O 'Brien, are you here to apologize?

I'd apologize if I was wrong, but I'm
not. I'm right, right, right, right,

right. You're as right as Carrie is
thin.

Nothing personal.

I'm just saying she's really wrong.

Miss Louder, I think you made a mistake
in firing Kate.

I don't care what you think.

I thought you'd say that. But do you
care what he thinks?

Oh, come on, Mr. Limbaugh. Just give me
a chance.

I'll make the best darn sidekick you
ever had.

Lady, I'm trying to tell you, I work
alone.

But you have the perfect face for radio.
Don't let anybody tell you that.

I'm sorry about that, Rush. The thing
is, when you do want to talk to her,

usually inside playing with her tire.

Miss Lowder, this is Rush Limbaugh. Hi,
how are you? Nice to see you. I caught

him at a book signing. He was nice
enough to come down and settle this

Rush, tell him that we've got to censor
the Internet.

Mrs. Lowder, with all due respect,
nobody knows better than I do. There's a

whole lot of garbage out there, but I
don't want to be the one to take away

anybody's right to free speech.

Rush agrees with me.

Your hero, big famous radio guy, agrees
with me.

And that's not going to help me get my
job back, so I'll...

The point is, Mrs. Lowder, not all
conservatives think the same way you do.

Kate was right. She deserves to have her
job back. Right, Rush?

Well, look, if Bill Clinton deserves a
second chance, certainly she does.

Uh -oh. Get it started.

All right.

Well, I'm not doing it because of you,
Carrie.

I'm doing it for Rush.

Thank you. And from now on, I won't
argue with you anymore.

If you can.

Are you saying I can't? Kate, shut up.

Goodbye. It's nice to see you, yes.

Bye. Thanks, Russ. That was really nice
of you. My pleasure. Now, I remember

somebody said something about some free
tickets to the Rock and Roll Hall of

Fame.

Can I go with you?

Drew, you're a great guy. Obviously a
good friend.

But I cannot afford to be seen walking
into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame with

a geek.

Well, maybe I can have Mimi meet you
there.

All right, Dilbert.

Let's rock and roll.

The star ain't big enough for the two of
us, pig.

Yeah, the Undertaker's gonna have a hell
of a time wiping the smirk off of that

pig. What?