Original subtitles

Here's your paycheck.

Hey, look, a flaming non -sexual.

Joke's on you, Mimi, because I can turn any disaster into a tasty treat.

Fire good, huh, Drew?

Drew, babe, Hunter, kill many marshmallow for long winter.

Listen, I... I just came by to say I'm sorry about last night.

I'll never raise sea monkeys in your beer mug again.

Hey, I'm over it.

I just hope the little guy survived when the levee breaks.

Actually, I'm glad you're here.

I'm going to get back at Mimi with these cans of hairspray.

Just play along.

Oh, Mimi!

Take your best shot, pig.

Actually, Kate brought down this amazing hairspray from Cosmetics. She says

everybody's using it. Kathy Lee, Hanson, Kith.

Really? Yeah, right, Kate?

I'm going to try it as soon as I get home.

Oh, why wait?

There.

Now I'm over the sea monkeys.

Mimi, you can go now.

No flames, no screaming, no blood.

Where's the comedy?

Carrie. Oh, Brian.

Must have been a hell of a sneeze.

By the way, Carrie, Miss Hainsworth here has taken a job with the House of

Chanel, so I'll need to get a new women's clothing buyer, someone with

culture, who could travel to Paris and hobnob with the fashion elite.

Poise and culture? I got craploads of poise and culture.

I would kiss a lot of derriere if I could go to Paris.

Well, we love to promote from within.

Gary, can I speak to you?

No offense, but I don't think this job is suited for carny folk like your

Kate.

I look forward to reading your resume.

What'd she say? She said something bad, didn't she?

Uh, I don't know why, but she said you're not, uh, oh, sophisticated enough

the job. You got some gunk hanging from your nose there.

Wow. What was I thinking?

I couldn't get that job anyway.

I'm just not one of those people.

Hey, spunky.

I don't want to hear you talking like that, huh?

You would be great for that job. You know, fashion. You're not from some hick

town. You're from Cleveland, the Paris of Northeast Ohio.

You're right.

I deserve that job. I can get that job.

I mean, all I have to do is work on some of the issues that are holding me back.

Like what? You know, like my tendency to hold grudges.

As usual, nothing sticks around down there.

Like a mother and daughter, they're yelling at a guy.

I'd say the topic is, Mama, stay away from my man.

Then why does he have a swastika tattooed on his forehead?

It's, he ain't heavy, he's my Nazi brother.

Oh, you poor, simple -working folk.

As anyone can see, that's not a swastika tattoo. It's the beginning of a third

eye. And that's not a mother with her daughter. It's Sigourney Weaver and Paul

Simon.

And this isn't water I'm drinking. It's vodka, which means I'm not charming and

witty. I'm drunk and obnoxious.

Okay, Tim, pull the cloth.

Oh, wow.

We're all wrong. It's a mousketeer reunion.

Did you talk to Mrs. Louder? Did I get the buyer's job?

I talked to Mrs. Louder, and she said she could overlook the Philly strength.

Great. But what she couldn't overlook was your lack of respect.

What a load of crap.

I have the same problem as Drug Co. They just don't see me as management

material. It's never, Lewis, what do we do about all the monkey feces?

It's, Lewis, clean up the monkey feces. Lewis, hose down the monkey feces.

Lewis, sweep up the monkey feces. Monkey feces this. Monkey feces that.

Oh, that reminds me. I've got to wash my hands.

You know what you should do?

Just have a regular conversation with Mrs. Lowder. Then she can see how smart

you really are.

Sure, but where are people like Louis and me going to have a chance to sit

and have a heart -to -heart with our bosses?

Oh, hey.

I got an idea.

I read about this thing. It's called a salon.

And you have people over and you have, like, discussions about social issues,

politics and stuff. I got it. How do we always know when someone's

sophisticated?

Uh, their zippers zip back up when they come back from the bathroom.

No. Picture this.

Bifocals and white powdered wigs.

Okay, back to the salon.

I'm not sure this is something where I can really shine. I'm not so good at

group discussions. I just get quiet.

I love group discussions.

I like to pick on the quiet people.

What do you think about that, Kate?

Speak up. Don't choke. What is it, Kate? What are you trying to say? What is it,

Kate? Ow!

Drew, I'll just end up looking dumb.

No, you'll be among friends, except for Louis here.

And you can pick out all the subjects in advance so you can study up on them.

Hey, if we're cheating, I'll invite my boss.

The night isn't easy, but how do we get the heads of two big corporations like

that to actually show up at your house?

Yahtzee, the amazing game of chance.

Intelligent conversation,

Yahtzee. Way to the monkeys at work here about this.

Come Monday, we'll see who's showing who's red ass to who.

Hey, neighbor.

May I interest you in a fromage doodle?

It's made with 30 % real fromage.

No, thanks. I spit the last one into my papier napkin.

Look, Carrie, if we're here because we're the only smart people you know,

are these other people?

Oh, Oswald found some college kids at the library. We gave them each a six

to show up.

See that guy? He's getting a 12 -pack. He skipped his bar exam to come here.

Those are pretty nice suits for college chances.

Now, don't be upset, Greg.

You'll get them back tomorrow.

Those are my suits?

That is the tour boss. Is that everything I said or what?

So exhilarating. I've never seen a kitchen with such a collection of

and preservatives and fluids. Not one piece of organic food inside.

Tell me, how long ago did this man die?

He's still alive.

He's still alive.

Oh, Lord. If we could just observe him. Observe him? If you're gentle, he'll eat

right out of your hand.

May I refresh your drink, Mrs. Lowry?

You know I never would have believed that you and Drew had such a wonderful

group of friends.

We checked them out at the library.

How droll.

Droll's a compliment, everybody.

It's an adjective.

Hey, Drew, we got some more smart people. Where do you want them?

That corner looks kind of stupid.

You got a problem.

My boss and I are having a disagreement about physics.

He thinks Hawking's brief history of time oversimplifies the concept of dark

matter in relation to the Big Bang Theory, whereas I don't know what the

he's talking about.

I'll tell you what I do. Every time Kate brings up something I don't know

anything about, I pretend it upsets me.

Oh, you do, do you?

Is this the time to bring this up?

In front of my friends, in front of all these people.

That must be more culture knocking.

Am I late

for the salon?

Not invited, queen, is a fella.

Out of my way, my lard.

I want a fashion buyer's job, too. I'm just as sophisticated as O 'Brien, and I

got culture coming out the wazoo.

Yeah, well, you can't just barge in here. Don't ever mention your wazoo to

again.

Don't give me any trouble and I'll turn this into an episode of Cops.

Move it, Poindexter.

Okay, everybody, if we could all take our seats. It's time to get started.

As is our custom, Kate will begin, and she always stimulates the most lively

discussion. Oh, no, I don't. Whoa!

I don't want to get into that with her.

And, of course, the first rebuttal will go to Louis, the master of repartee.

Yep.

Oswald, the pre -selected topics, please.

Mrs. Lotter, we'd be honored if you'd be the first to select.

Oh, well, thank you.

The topic we'll discuss this evening is the poetry of James

Dickey.

Dickie.

Back in the 60s, I couldn't get enough, Dickie.

Dickie.

I put that one in there. I didn't even make it up. It's a real name.

Oh, let's pick another topic or he'll be giggling all night.

In your opinion, what are the three greatest art movements of the past

I think Blues has an opinion about that, don't you, Lewis?

Yes, I do.

Surrealism, postmodernism, and daddyism.

Lewis, I had no idea you knew this much about art. Now tell me something. Do you

think that Max Ernst manipulated Peggy Guggenheim so to establish his social

position among the surrealists?

Is this any time to bring this up?

I don't know what we can talk about.

Politics. Just the other day, Kate and I were having a great discussion about

overcrowding in our penal institutions.

I'd like to handle that one, if I may.

Didn't Dickie have a penal problem?

And Drug Co., we are developing a pill that will make prisons obsolete.

Really? What does it do?

It kills you.

I said, we're just starting working on it, of course.

Well, speaking of prisons, you know, I've heard that some prisoners now have

their own website on the Internet.

Oh, there's the subject.

That's your ship on the Internet.

Oh, don't get me started. Aim here.

I'm against it.

I shouldn't have said anything. It's just my opinion.

And it's a stupid opinion.

Excuse me?

You know what I think? You work for me.

No. Then why are you talking to me?

All right, grab our books, honey. We're out of here. See you, Drew.

See you, Miss Daisy.

You know, that's what a slot's all about. The heated exchange of ideas.

Drew. The Internet's for everybody. You should be able to say whatever you want

to say. So what you're saying is don't take away my porn. No.

Well, you can't just let people say whatever they want.

This stuff is in our homes. Any good conservative will tell you that.

Well, maybe you're out of touch, because a lot of conservatives I know are

against censoring the Internet.

Out of touch? Are you saying I'm old? And by the way, do you have a nose that

goes with those Groucho glasses? You've already got the mustache.

What did you say?

Hey, here's the topic. Shutting up. Why don't people? I know what I'm talking

about, Grandma. You take that back. I will not take it back. I will take back

your job. You are fired.

What?

You gave up your job over Internet censorship?

Way to pick your battles.

I gotta go talk to her.

You don't have to act like a spoiled brat just because you're wrong. It

mean you're stupid.

There goes the smartest woman I know.

And look, Kate's on the hood of her car.

All right, let's go.

So, Kate, how does it feel to be a part -time member of the global particle

family?

Mind -numbing.

I figured the whole thing out in the first 20 minutes.

Yeah, isn't it great?

Sometimes I'll think out for like a minute.

Before I know it, the whole day's gone. I didn't have to think once.

Well, sorry.

Hey, what are you apologizing for? It cut you off.

Hey, learn to drive, idiot.

What?

Save me a buddy.

Kick, kick, kick, kick. Don't, don't, don't, don't. The bread truck drivers

go off on you.

If you give me that job, I'll drop the harassment suit.

I'll consider it right after I talk with Mumsy.

He's busy.

I want a yes right now. Enough, Mimi. Give me that phone.

Do you have a hearing problem? I said he's busy, you mad cow.

Mimi, I may be power mad.

I may be a corporate weasel.

I may even be a sleazebag.

But I am first and foremost a mama's boy.

And you never, ever insult the mama of a mama's boy.

I take that back.

I'm giving you a countersuit for defamation of my character.

I'll battle you to the day I die.

And then after that, I'll see you in hell.

You'll know me!

I'll be the one standing there with my mummy!

What's the matter, Mimi? I think you look pale, but who can tell?

Really? Was it as bad for you as it was for you?

Drew, I came as soon as you called.

Carrie, I got your message.

Drew, what's going on?

O 'Brien, are you here to apologize?

I'd apologize if I was wrong, but I'm not. I'm right, right, right, right,

right. You're as right as Carrie is thin.

Nothing personal.

I'm just saying she's really wrong.

Miss Louder, I think you made a mistake in firing Kate.

I don't care what you think.

I thought you'd say that. But do you care what he thinks?

Oh, come on, Mr. Limbaugh. Just give me a chance.

I'll make the best darn sidekick you ever had.

Lady, I'm trying to tell you, I work alone.

But you have the perfect face for radio. Don't let anybody tell you that.

I'm sorry about that, Rush. The thing is, when you do want to talk to her,

usually inside playing with her tire.

Miss Lowder, this is Rush Limbaugh. Hi, how are you? Nice to see you. I caught

him at a book signing. He was nice enough to come down and settle this

Rush, tell him that we've got to censor the Internet.

Mrs. Lowder, with all due respect, nobody knows better than I do. There's a

whole lot of garbage out there, but I don't want to be the one to take away

anybody's right to free speech.

Rush agrees with me.

Your hero, big famous radio guy, agrees with me.

And that's not going to help me get my job back, so I'll...

The point is, Mrs. Lowder, not all conservatives think the same way you do.

Kate was right. She deserves to have her job back. Right, Rush?

Well, look, if Bill Clinton deserves a second chance, certainly she does.

Uh -oh. Get it started.

All right.

Well, I'm not doing it because of you, Carrie.

I'm doing it for Rush.

Thank you. And from now on, I won't argue with you anymore.

If you can.

Are you saying I can't? Kate, shut up.

Goodbye. It's nice to see you, yes.

Bye. Thanks, Russ. That was really nice of you. My pleasure. Now, I remember

somebody said something about some free tickets to the Rock and Roll Hall of

Fame.

Can I go with you?

Drew, you're a great guy. Obviously a good friend.

But I cannot afford to be seen walking into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame with

a geek.

Well, maybe I can have Mimi meet you there.

All right, Dilbert.

Let's rock and roll.

The star ain't big enough for the two of us, pig.

Yeah, the Undertaker's gonna have a hell of a time wiping the smirk off of that

pig. What?