Original subtitles

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.

It's pepperoni with peppers.

You are crushed.

You win.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Want to do it again?

Man, I'm not a machine.

What the hell? Let's get the can opener.

It's such a crude...

I'm sorry I came up with this whole phony sexual harassment idea. Can't you

drop this suit and we can go back to being friends?

I don't know.

Give you a big kiss.

On the lips of free range.

Oh, forget it. You'd just be doing it for all the wrong reasons.

Please, I'll do anything. I just wanted to stop.

Well, maybe if you'd just do one little thing for me.

Read this over the PA.

Fine.

Attention, everyone. I have an announcement to make.

I'm a mama's boy with girly hands and ample pasty hips.

When I'm spanked by German girls, I like to wear a flip.

All right.

I thought about it. No!

And that was a reading from Drew Carey's private diaries.

years. Why is everyone fuzzy but me?

Hey, I'm looking for Mimi Bobeck.

Who's that?

We've got a sexual harassment lawyer in Cleveland.

Hey, I'm talking to you too, babe.

What attracted you to your specialty?

I'm the one that called you. I'm Mimi Bobeck.

Bobby Barchetti, nice to meet you.

We can sit in here. Pig's still out to lunch.

Okay, here's the deal. I want to take this place for two million bucks.

Hey, you and me both, but this is not an open and shut case.

First of all, you look like a whack job.

Oh, ow.

That really hurts coming from Tom Cruise.

Whatever you do, don't make that face in court.

What face?

am and one more comment like that and i could change who you are i'm sorry miss

bubba i don't think i can help you you won't get sympathy from a jury you're

right sometimes i have to put on a tough face to hide the pain i

don't know where to turn

hey i'm sorry

so how was that

Amy, what are you doing in my cubicle? Who's this?

Her lawyer.

Is this the guy who touched you?

No. If he was the one that touched me, I wouldn't need a lawyer. I'd need a

coroner, because I'd have to kill myself.

Oh, really?

Touch, touch, touch, touch, touch, touch. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. We're

strangers.

Mrs. Louder's on her way up, and I heard it's about your promotion.

Oh, my gosh.

How do I look?

Ready for a letdown. Yeah.

Carrie, you're invited to Mr.

Louder. Louder's birthday party Friday night.

A birthday party for Mr. Louder? Wow, that sounds great.

I've been dead for years. She's lost her mind.

I know my husband is dead, and I'm not deaf either.

The point is that every year, we pick two or three up -and -comers to toast

Louder and Carrie.

This year, you are one of them.

Wow, after 12 years, I'm an up -and -comer.

Nobody else wanted to do it, huh? Yes.

Well, I'd work hard on that toast, because this year the best one wins.

500 shares of stock in Winfred Lauder.

500 shares?

The party starts at 7 sharp, and you're expected to bring a date.

If worse comes to worse, I've got a sister.

Pressure frozen.

Come on, guys. I've got to leave in 15 minutes. I still haven't found anything

nice to say about Mr. Louder.

I've got something. It says here he invented the word sweatshop.

Mr.

Louder was a crusader for workers' rights.

Not exactly.

He's quoted as saying, I want to see my workers sweat so much in my shop, I can

call them sweatshops.

Or maybe stink boxes.

Kate, you got anything about him?

Well, kind of. Did you know he invented the cubicle?

No way.

Yeah.

Originally, it was a cage, but he experimented and found out you only need

walls if people are trapped in their mind.

Oh, my God. I could just walk out.

Ruler, are you sure you want a toasted police bag? Hey, he's dead, and I need

the shares of stock.

I need a nest egg.

I had a nest egg, but I lost a gambling.

I was betting I'd be dead by now.

So what are you going to say? I don't think any of this stuff is going to help

you get that stock.

I guess I have to rely on jokes.

Now, listen.

Officially, you guys are there to run the lights and the projectors. But

unofficially, you're now my designated laughers. Well, we've been working on a

couple of options.

First, there's the country club laugh.

The boss just told a bad joke laugh?

You brought my material. I could get some laughs.

Seriously? Yeah, Drew, sure you could.

Okay, just do the boss one.

Yeah.

Hey, Nikki, for any few seconds, I'm just buttering up my toast.

Hey, butter, toast, that's good. Write that down.

Drew, I was thinking, I don't feel so well. Maybe you should go without me.

Oh, what's wrong?

Drew, I didn't realize how much weight I gained until I put this dress on.

Oh, come on. I'm sure you look great.

Oh, my God.

You look beautiful.

Oh, come on. When you go through those doors, you're going to be the biggest

thing there.

I am never going out in public again.

You're being too hard on yourself. You look great.

And that slit in the back is very sexy.

What slit?

Oh, my God.

Can nothing contain me?

Oh, come on, honey. I like the way you look.

So you got a little junk in your trunk.

You miss sleeping alone?

No. Get out of here.

Be gentle.

You okay?

No.

You know, when Drew and I first started dating, I used to wear his T -shirts as

bed shirts.

Now I wear them as T -shirts.

Believe me, you're much more aware of this than anybody else.

Really?

Peter, maybe you're right. I'm being oversensitive. I mean, every woman's got

something. I've got my weight.

You've got your hair.

Thanks, Kate.

I'm glad to make you feel better.

Guess what?

I'm going to go with you after all.

In that?

That's great!

Oh, that must be Charlie looking for one of his angels.

Drew!

You and Nicky left these keys at the bar last night.

Wow, I've been looking all over for these. Where'd you find them? We asked

around the bar. Some people said they belonged to that good -looking couple.

See? So we went to their house.

And they said they belonged to the chubby couple. See you, man.

I'm fat.

And ugly.

I gotta go.

Nicky. Yeah.

Boy. Women are so touchy about their weight, you wouldn't catch me running

of the room crying just because of an extra ten pounds.

I'm glad you said that, buddy, because I've been meaning to tell you you're

getting a bit flabby around the middle there. Oh, really? Mm -hmm.

Now,

you see, that's the way a guy deals

with it.

Nikki's house. I paged her. They even have 17 cars out on the street looking

her. You called the cops?

No, dominoes.

Is Oswald and Lewis here yet?

Yep. They're in the balcony setting up. Wait till you hear the music.

What music? I didn't ask for any music.

Oh, yes. It's a prize.

There's Mr. Lauder. Hey, Mr. Lauder.

What the hell is that? Oh, you triggered the music cue.

That's a negative on the cue, good buddy. Over.

It was Lewis's idea.

I thought it was stupid. I said so, too.

You know better than to trust Lewis on this kind of stuff.

If Lewis said, I don't know, like, shoot a confetti cannon at Drew's head at the

end of his speech, would you listen to him then?

Of course not.

That would be dangerous and stupid.

I copy that, Oswald. Kill the cannon.

Oh, hey.

Dumb talk.

here and some text here and you wouldn't look like such a fat pig.

Mimi, what are you doing here?

Company's sucking up to me big time because of the lawsuit.

They even sent a car for me. Oh, too bad I missed it.

As you see, people, we're about to begin.

Now, we'll begin the round of toast.

May I introduce

from Shoes.

Oh, Nikki, you're here. That's great.

I was being stupid and selfish. I just want you to know I'm here for you. I'm

going to go in the back and watch. No, no, no. I want you to sit right here

to me.

Come on. You don't want to be seen with me.

Wow, that is so sad.

And to think that was my pickup line for years.

Well, it worked on me.

Muck, Mr. Muck. Go get him, baby.

Hey, I really have to cheer her up, so go get Oswald and tell him I'm going to

go like this.

Put the spotlight on. Got it.

And now the man who's here only because we needed three speakers, Duke Carey.

Thank you for that touching introduction.

to give this toast.

I hope you like your toast dry.

I prefer mine buttered myself.

Okay, better get on with the toast.

Listen, before I do, I just want to tell you that win or lose, I'm the luckiest

guy alive because I'm here with the most beautiful woman in the room, a woman

who doesn't even know how beautiful she is, my girlfriend, a real lady, Nikki

Pfeiffer.

Anderson got up there after you left, totally drunk, offending every ethnic

group, age, and sex in the room, exposed himself, and still beat you handily.

What are you doing out here?

Counting the stars.

Just shoot around me.

Look, I'm really sorry about what happened tonight.

What are you sorry about?

You weren't the one playing the chicken.

God help me, Drew. Later on, I accompanied myself on the ham.

Oh, what?

You know, you're not what you think you are.

What do you think I think I am?

I think you're beautiful.

And? I think you're funny.

And? I think you're smart.

And? And just say it.

Oh, all right, I'll say it. You're moderately overweight.

Say it.

Okay.

All right, why should I say it? There's no shame in saying it.

You're fat.

Okay,

but so what?

You know, I'm fat.

It's great.

Listen, think of all the famous fat couples.

Dan and Roseanne.

Tom and Roseanne.

Ben and Roseanne.

Ben and Jerry and Roseanne.

Yeah, but it's different for you.

You have fun fat.

So do you.

My fat wouldn't like your fat if it was all stuck up in snooty.

What, are you going to sing me the joy of the living large now?

There's a lot of great things about being overweight.

We're sitting out here in the freezing weather, but are we cold?

No.

Because we're fat.

Oswald Lewis was out here, they'd freeze to death.

You know what we'd do?

We'd eat them, and we'd get fatter.

Look, um, what I'm trying to say is that

I... I love you.

Because, baby, you're the fattest.

You're the best boyfriend in the world.

But, Drew, I gotta try to lose some weight.

Well, all right.

I'm gonna miss naked nacho night.

So, technically, I guess that'd be an acrobatian.

That's right, baby.

Eat for me.

Save it for the kitchen.

Mail call.

Lopez.

Paycheck.

By the way, there's been a lot of missing paychecks this morning.

Oh, no.

But here's the weird coincidence.

Contributors to my sexual harassment legal fund are the only ones whose

magically reappear.

Oh, abracadabra, what's that behind your ear?

I said a contribution, not a couple of coins.

Voila.