Original subtitles

Morning, Mimi.

You look sexy today.

I look sexy every day. What the hell's going on?

I need to talk to you. No, no, not my office. It could be bugged.

We need to find somewhere private, a dead zone, somewhere management doesn't

even know exists.

Drew's cubicle? Perfect.

Now, Mimi, I want...

To sexually harass you.

Ready.

You need a minute?

Not now, not here, not really.

Then why the yank?

It's part of my plan to get back at Winford louder.

They're going to fire me.

But you're beautiful.

Unless, of course, they're firing all the beautiful people.

Holy cripes, I'm next!

No, no, no, it's just me. Here, look at this confidential memo I accidentally

found while rifling through Mrs. Louder's purse.

Agenda for Friday.

Reschedule board meeting.

Oh, my God!

Celebrate Mr. Wick's firing next Friday?

Celebrating? They're celebrating the fortune they're saving. Fire me a month

before I'm vested for pension.

I'll lose everything and be deported.

So what you're telling me is that you want to do it with me before you go back

to that sexless country?

There's a little more to it.

I sexually harass you. You sue the company. I confess.

And you win millions.

Then we split the money and live a life of luxury in some remote tropical

island.

What do you say?

Slow the boat, mister.

I ain't gonna lie about sexual harassment.

Damn. You're gonna actually have to do it.

And after we do it, and we rehearse a little, well, we're going to need a

witness. Someone gullible.

Yes, a real stooge.

Someone easily manipulated.

Now, who do I have in the palm of my hand?

I know you all listen in shoes.

Henderson, perhaps he's 300 years old, can't hardly remember to put his pants

on. Oh, this energy.

Burkhalter. Oh, no, not since the stroke. Call me Churchill at the

morning. What about me?

No. O 'Connor? No.

Leader? No.

Nagel? No.

Madeline? No.

Firestein?

No. Graham?

No.

Mulroy? No.

What about Cooter and Accounting?

Hamburgers. Right. Where'd you get it? From the Drug Code cafeteria.

Actually, it's more of a test kitchen.

Test kitchen, huh?

A lot of words I like to hear before kitchen.

Grandma's.

Fully stocked.

Tested in one of them.

This is a real hamburger.

You tell me.

See, I get 20 bucks for each questionnaire I fill out. Now, do you

bloating, mood swings, loosening of teeth?

I don't feel some loose teeth. You don't tell me what's in this hamburger.

Oh, it's a Big Ten 4 and the mood swings.

Dude has landed.

Showtime.

So that's why you wanted to keep me through lunch? So you could get grabby?

That's sexual harassment, mister.

Mimi, if you want a promotion, the letter to the top goes through my pants.

Did you hear that?

What?

This ringing in my ears. I can't hear anything but ringing in my ears.

And how come I can only whisper?

Oh, that's probably the secret sauce.

Don't worry, it'll go away in a few seconds and be replaced by a feeling of

pleasure. Oh, come on. What are you taking...

He didn't see us. Let's go into my office and try it again. No way. Screw

subtlety. We've got to go for it right here.

All right.

Now you're talking.

But he still can't see us. Move with me.

Drew.

Drew, look.

What's eight inches tall makes me really, really happy.

Just about anything.

My new shoes.

I'm so hip it hurts, baby.

Who do I remind you of?

Robocop.

Oh, yeah? Watch me walk away and tell me it's not sexy.

Uh -huh.

Boston, you do what I want, and I want you right now on Carrie's desk.

Oh, my God, that hamburger must have killed me. I'm in hell.

Get him off me!

Get him off of me!

Let go of him!

Unhook your ankles!

Sorry, I was trying to kick him in my heel block.

You didn't see this.

Don't worry, I saw the whole thing. He's not going to get away with it.

Thanks.

So,

what happened to Mimi?

Well, I think it was either early childhood trauma or inbreeding. Huh?

Oh, you mean this morning.

I had her transferred to another department so this whole thing works

So listen, Joanne, you realize when you volunteered for this job that Mr. Wick's

been accused of, but not convicted of, sexual harassment.

Hey, I've been working in the cafeteria for 30 years. I just want to sit, huh?

Mail call.

Mail call.

Hey, Johnson.

Here, mail.

What's the idea? I'm a trained professional.

Replace me with that flop lady.

I had no choice. The Antichrist was afraid to sit at your desk.

How's the new job going, Mimi?

Sucks. Did you talk to the lawyer?

Oh, yeah. Your ass is so grass.

When we cash in, I'm going to hire a gardener to mow the grass on my ass.

Uh, Mr. Wick, I'm sorry, but as head of human resources, I... I can't have you

anywhere near Mimi.

That's right. Your punishment is to stay far away from Mimi.

Your punishment is to stay far away from Mimi. Boy, no matter how many times I

say that, it still sounds weird.

I gotta go anyway.

Hey, Cozar.

Letter from the World League.

They still say no.

Uh, Mr. Wick.

Listen, there's something I gotta know.

There's things men will do for power, there's things men will do for desire,

there's things men will do on a dare, but what the hell is that?

I know it's wrong, but I just can't help myself.

Oh, why am I telling you? You'll just repeat it in court.

You of all people should understand.

It started when she took care of me during my breakdown.

I began fantasizing about her night and day.

Naughty, dirty little fantasies.

that makeup over the face.

Stop. Stop.

Mr. Wick, if you don't want my testimony all over your seat, you'll stop it

right now.

Harry, we need to talk about this sexual harassment lawsuit between Wick and

Bobeck. Don't worry, Mr. Blatter. I saw the whole thing. I'm going to testify

and make sure it never happens again.

I like your spirit.

Now let's see what we can do to break it.

You are not going to testify.

What? With you, they have an open and shut case. It could cost the store a

million. Look, I know what I saw, and I can't lie.

All right.

That's fair.

Oh, by the way, want to buy a new Mercedes for ten bucks?

I will not take a bribe. Fine. Then here's your choice.

Change your mind right now, or I am demoting you back to the sales floor

you started.

Fine. Then demote me.

I'm giving up my job for Mimi.

That's right. I'm giving up my job for Mimi.

I am giving up my job for Mimi.

Boy, no matter how many times I say that, it still sounds weird.

Oh, you're working in furs now, Carrie.

This ain't some salary job up on the fifth floor where you can sit on your

all day.

Down here, commission is king.

Guess it's no different than selling, like, you know, leather shoes or belts.

Except your belt doesn't have a face on the end of it.

Here, this pamphlet will help. It explains why it's good to buy a fur.

You see, in the wild, they've died some horrible, violent deaths.

But these furs are raised on a farm.

They get their own little wire cage, three squares a day, and in the end, a

humane anal electrocution.

said I could buy a fur, but shouldn't the fur stay on the animal?

Oh, no.

I mean, look, he's a little embarrassed to be in his underwear, but otherwise

he's fine.

Well, okay.

Okay, you convinced me.

Let's see here.

I'll take these three.

Three? Wow, three, that's great.

Boy, you can't go wrong with a coat made out of... That looks like Benji,

doesn't it?

sees commission.

Spur is murder!

Spur is murder!

Well, I guess it's okay. I mean, you know, since you're buying them.

Vendorman? Homada?

I didn't know she was a protester. And you, young lady, this isn't a credit

card. It's a card from Baskin -Robbins. Good for free ice cream. I'm afraid I'm

going to have to confiscate this.

So, where'd you find those? Your mommy's dresser?

No. Your wife gives them away free if you buy her a drink.

Please, you don't even need the drink.

Hey, Larry, nice to see you're dating again.

Hey, Drew, I came down as soon as I heard about it. Are you okay, man?

Actually, I'm looking forward to my anal electrocution.

What's this?

It's a package for a medium weapon.

Medium from the Cayman Islands Bank and Trust.

That's weird.

Oh, Cayman Islands.

I think we should open this.

No can do, federal crime.

If you touch that, I'm authorized to borrow a gun and shoot you.

What if it gets open by accident?

Happens all the time.

Oops.

It's a toaster.

A Breakfast King 2000 with bread alignment and Teletoast.

There's nothing like that new toaster smell, I tell you.

It's a gift for opening a new account, and not just any account, a joint

for future deposits.

Hmm. Amy Wick, joint accounts, Cayman Islands, free toaster.

Something's going on here.

She outballed his murder, then ran away.

Boy, it sure is spooky in this old store at night.

I can't believe old man McPherson didn't see us slip in.

You thinking what I'm thinking?

Scooby -dooby -doo.

We got some work to do now.

Shut up.

Drew,

what are we doing at Mimi's desk when she's in the mail room now?

She hasn't cleared all her stuff out yet. Just keep looking. Oswald, let's

if the guard's still asleep.

Right, right, Rempton.

Let's see here.

Aerial photos of my house.

Electrical blueprints for my house.

Antidote.

Still asleep?

Look at this. It's full of years and years of messages that Mimi never gave

Oh, man, I can't believe Jenny called me back all these times.

Call me. Please call me.

I'm waiting. I'm waiting with a bowl of cherry.

I'm naked and horny.

But wait, there's one more.

Waited for you all night. I've got a good mind to sleep with one of your best

friends.

Well, here's something.

It's a newspaper story on ten ways to get spots out.

Wait a minute.

This could be the key to everything.

Spot. Spot. X marks the spot.

X marks the spot on buried treasure.

Pirates come from the Caribbean.

Caribbean Cayman Island.

Okay, I'm halfway there.

Black beard.

No, blue beard.

Blue eye shadow.

Mimi. She's his beard.

Okay, I've got it.

Mr. Wick and Mimi are working together in a sexual harassment scam to clean the

company out of millions.

Hold it. Turn it over.

No, this is something about a boss and a secretary who made millions off a false

sexual harassment suit. But they're from Minnesota. This is totally different.

Everybody down.

You're on my roll.

You're on my roll.

Oh, Joanne, just like in the cafeteria, everything you serve up is hot.

You know, I could have sworn at one point you called me mommy.

Now, what's the deal with that?

Sorry, when I'm spanked, it comes out naturally.

Speaking of which, how would you like to accompany your naughty boy to a

tropical island?

Well, what about your lawsuit?

Trust me, one way or another, I'm going to win.

Get his candy drawer.

Sweet for my sweet.

That's it.

No one puts his hands into Drew Carey's drawers and pulls out his goodies.

You know what I mean.

What are you going to do? You can't let Whitcomb even get away with this. Don't

worry. By the end of the night, I'm going to blow this thing wide open.

Good idea, but first you better stop by the airport.

Why? Your parents have been there for about a week.

Oh, jeez. I get a call to come over. It's 11 o 'clock at night.

The house is dark.

If I hear something on zip, I'm out of here.

Oh, I got something for you.

I got a great big... Surprise!

What? It's not my birthday.

Okay, where are my presents?

What's your present?

It's a toaster from a bank in the Cayman Islands for opening an account.

Here's the phone.

I want you to call Mrs. Louder at home right now and tell her the truth so I

get my job back.

I can't.

Fix it, Mimi. It's over. You're not going to get your money.

I didn't do it for money. I did it for love.

Love of toast?

No, you big, dumb bag of duh.

I did it for Mr. Wick.

We were going to split the money and run away to a tropical island, just the two

of us.

So leave us alone. so that we can live happily ever after.

So, you two are going to go together?

Yes.

Look, I don't know why I don't like telling you this, but Mr.

Wick's going to take Joanne to the tropical island.

You lie.

Come on, Mimi. Would I pass up a chance to send you to a tropical island?

Geez, Drew, all your parties turn out crappy.

Oh, that must be Mr. Wick. Should I let him in?

Yeah. And lock the door behind him.

All right.

You got me to come to your house in the middle of the night? Why is it so dark?

If I hear a belt being unbuckled, I'm out of here.

What do you people think of me?

Same thing you're doing here. We know everything.

Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you she knows about Joanne.

And I know what you did with my candy bar.

Uh -huh. I saw you.

Mimi, I know why you're upset, but I have good news.

Remember how the memo said that they were celebrating my firing? Well, it

out they were celebrating how much I saved them with all my firings.

raised and you're getting your own job back and Kerry's getting his job back

we'll be one big happy family again.

Doesn't that bother you?

I know I've made some mistakes here, but, Kerry, time will heal our

And if time doesn't, I'm sure time and a half will.

Hey, I'm going to get crap and a half.

And,

Mimi, all I ask is that you forgive me.

Damn the face like that. How could I be mad?

Oh, you got a little something I

Ain't dropping

the harassment suit what nobody screws with my heart.

Oh By the way, I accidentally dented your car on the way out

Who's ready for cake?

Wow.

Slapping baseball bats cake.

Drew, this is your best party ever.

Hey, Mr.

Wick, you got a little something on your lip right there.

That's just a little blood. Oh, my.

This is for Mimi.

And the candy.

But mostly the candy.

Wow, Mimi must have been saving these for years.

Oh, man, I wish we would have got this one.

Michael Jordan called, said he tried Buzz Beer and he loves it so much he

to endorse it for free.

Hey, Kozar, this one's for you.

NFL called, said you're going to be the new owner of the Browns.

Just kidding, they didn't call.

Drew, you shouldn't make fun of the dreams of ex -NFL quarterbacks.

Oh, really? Why?