Original subtitles

Gary, I never had a chance to thank you properly for liberating me from Mimi's

apartment. Oh, you're welcome, sir. I just wish I could have got there before

she bathed you.

The baths weren't so bad.

The shaving that bothered me.

Anyway, that's all in the past. I have to live my life one day at a time now,

the way God gave it to us.

At least that's what the puppet told me at the crisis center.

Well, kudos to the puppet, sir.

He also told me I should express my feelings more openly, beginning by

you a big hug.

So I suppose you should stand up and we'll advance on each other at a slow

steady pace until we make contact, at which point we'll close arms.

Okay.

You're softer than the puppet.

So, can I call you tomorrow?

Oh, I'm sorry. I just had a lot of dates on this way.

Don't be embarrassed, Drew.

We've turned a corner on our relationship.

I feel comfortable calling you friend.

Well, as long as you feel that way, there's a few things I wouldn't mind

off my chest.

I'm here for you, pal.

Well, first of all, you're a strong boss.

I mean, you're a good boss, but, you know, you can just be a little mean

sometimes.

All right, that's fair.

And when you're mean to me like that, you know, it just makes me feel bad.

So you're saying I hurt your feelings?

Yeah.

I'm sorry, Drew. Tell me more.

Well, you know, it's just hard being stuck in this job. I mean, I had such

expectations for myself.

When I was a kid, I imagined myself being a, you know, captain of a big ship

something.

There's one more thing. I never told anybody this.

I can't even look at you when I say it. That's all right.

Sometimes I cry at night.

And you're an insensitive bastard because I know you have people behind

have to change one bit.

All this energy calling me.

Back where it comes from.

It's such a crude attitude.

It's back where it belongs.

All the little chicks with the crimson lips go, Cleveland Rocks, Cleveland

Rocks. Living in sin where the safety net goes.

I was

a

woman too? Oh.

Long legs, blonde hair, and those come -hither eyes.

So, uh, do you think I would have had a chance with me?

No.

Hey, guys, why so late?

Uh, we were having sex. It just took a little longer than we expected.

We don't need to hear that. What's next, just jumping up on the pool table and

doing it?

Come on, eat pizza off this thing.

Drew, we're kidding.

Drew, good news. What was the most fun you ever had in high school?

Oh, the time the lunch lady threw out that sheet cake and missed the trash and

landed face up.

No, read this.

Oh, Battle of the Bands at the Warsaw.

Yeah, that sounds like fun. We should go. Keep reading.

Three chicken wings.

Keep going.

First prize, 500 bucks.

Wow, you could buy a lot of chicken wings for 500 bucks.

I just had a great idea.

We should get the old band back together.

Yeah, a lot of people said you couldn't play Zeppelin with a brass band. We

showed them.

We could win 500 bucks.

Yeah, so let's start practicing.

Yeah, that sounds great, but first let's find out why Kate said we.

I was thinking maybe I could be in the band, too.

Remember when you tried out for choir, they made you get your hearing checked?

Okay, so I was a little rough in high school, but then I joined the church

choir. And they said my voice was so strong I didn't even need a microphone.

All right.

Okay. I understand.

Oh, Oswald, honey, can I talk to you for a minute in the kitchen?

Oh, sure, Katie Bear.

Whipped man walking.

Don't you worry about me. I got it all under control.

Hey! Just because you say jump doesn't mean I say how high.

Gee, who do you think you'll side with, us or the person you just had sex with?

Hey, guys, I was just thinking all on my own and everything that Kate's

voice has gotten a lot better.

Look, Oswald, it's not that we don't want... Please, please.

Don't make me go back in there with a no. Have some compassion, man.

Enough?

Those don't look like real tears to me.

Help me.

Oh, okay, man. She can be in the band.

Thank you.

It's all right. You're in the band. No problem.

Look what I found.

What's that?

I thought we'd give a listen to what we used to sound like when we were in high

school. Cool.

You promised that we wouldn't tell.

See, I've been practicing. I know the lyrics, and I can also sing harmony or

melody.

My best key is C major, but I'm also good in D minor or F.

Wow. Why don't you try lead?

Do a little intro, and then you can come in on the break.

Got it.

Later than wine.

I'll return.

What's the matter, guys? Can't keep up?

You want me to start from the top?

No, no.

No, it's our instruments. They're badly out of tune.

Badly out of tune.

Horribly, hideously out of tune.

But they mean well.

Well, we can't because we're all out of tuning wax.

So we have to go to a... Tunesmith.

So we'll practice later?

Later would be good. Yeah, later would be great.

And remember with me, you not only get singing, you get dancing too.

Oh.

Is it me, or is that the worst sound you've ever heard in your life?

Ever start your car with a cat sleeping on the manifolds?

No. Well, then, yeah, that's the worst sound you've ever heard.

All right.

The Magazine wants to thank all you kids for coming by to sign up for our Battle

of the Bands.

We'd love to see the parents come and support them. Thank you.

We're the horndogs.

Well, thank you, corndog.

Horndogs. Oh, yeah, that helped.

If the battle starts at 8, everybody shares amps and drums. If you come late,

you're going to lose your spot. Any questions?

The old guy.

Are you ready to rock?

Oh, yeah, no drinking.

Well, good luck to the rest of you.

Hey, look.

It's a high school reunion.

He's gained the most weight, got the worst job, and still doesn't get it.

What's that supposed to mean?

Hey, Drew!

Get off me, Herbert.

It's herb now, blowhole.

So herb.

You still stuck working down at the bottling plant?

Yeah, we're stuck making $20 an hour.

Whoa, can you put in a good word for me?

Depends on where you want me to put it.

Besides, it's just our day job.

We still have a regular gig down at the Holiday Inn.

You guys are still playing together?

The Underprivileged are celebrating 20 years as a band. Yeah!

20 years hanging out with the same guys.

Losers.

Hey, Lewis, I saw your ex -girlfriend last night. In my bed.

What'd she do? You've been married to her for 15 years.

It still kills you that she dumped you for me, doesn't it?

She didn't dump me for you. She dumped me because she thought I was creepy and

sad. Yeah!

Just like we're going to dump you in the Battle of the Bands.

We made a fool out of you in high school and we'll do it again.

It says in high school, Herbert, there are laws.

You just can't drag a guy out of the gym and pull him naked through the hall and

throw him in the cafeteria during SATs.

I forgot about that. Yeah, me too.

Those days are over, man.

Oh, by the way, Drew, you want to see something I'll burn your butt?

I hope you like to smoke when you drink.

Don't worry.

When we beat them tomorrow night, we're going to shove our butts into their

mugs. See, I like the taste of that.

Uh, Drew, that sounds a little... I know, I regret it at the minute.

Come on, come on, let's get on it. What's our plan to beat these jerks?

First of all, we're going to practice day and night. We only have to be better

than them for one song.

Yeah, nothing is going to keep us from making that song perfect.

Yes!

Drew, honey, can I talk to you for a minute?

Look, I love her, but we're dead with Froggy in the band.

I know, but how can we tell her without her hateness?

Uh, Oswald, honey, can we talk to you for a minute?

Yeah? You want to beat those jerks, right? Yeah. You want to pay them back

making us look at Drew naked in high school?

Yeah. You want to tell Kate she's out of the band?

Yeah, but I'm not gonna.

This is the only one thing to do. We've got to be honest with her.

Hey, uh, Kate.

We were talking and, uh... You know, you're my friend and I love you and

everything, but... You're the worst singer in the history of the world, man.

suck.

but I'm better than I was in high school.

Well, I couldn't have gotten worse.

Oh, my God.

All right, she thought I'm out.

Kate, wait up. No, what are you doing here?

Oh, man.

I should have known her to come to this.

I guess we've just got to go get her and tell her she's back in the...

We still got a shot. We got a keyboard player coming wherever the hell he is.

Hey, guys.

Sorry I'm late. Got hung up in surgery.

You know, no matter how many times you reach in and massage the life back into

human heart, it's always special.

Yeah, well, I was up to my elbow in a vending machine. I still got here on

Hey, listen, I wanted to thank you guys for letting me in the band.

Hey, you remember back in high school when you said I wasn't cool enough?

We thought you weren't cool enough?

Holy crap, what kind of geek were you?

I haven't played a single note.

It's not the music. I'm judging you as a human being.

All right, everybody. Hey, thanks for coming out.

We want to do a song, First Made Famous by Herb Albert and the Tijuana Brass,

1963.

One, two, one, two.

I want to ask you something.

Sure. And I want you to be completely honest.

Did you quit the band because we're in a relationship or because you think I'm a

good singer?

Hey, you want to go shopping?

So you don't think I'm a good singer?

Well, you know, what I really think is that... Are you getting ready to jump

of the car?

Maybe. Oh, my God, I really do suck, and you're just too nice to tell me.

Oh, you're nice, too. I noticed that you slowed down when you thought I was

going to jump out.

I'm sorry.

No, this is good.

I think from now on, we should talk more and not be afraid to be completely

honest with each other.

Oh, that's a bad idea.

You don't want me to be completely honest?

Nope. You want to be completely oblivious to how I feel?

Hey, no news is good news.

There we go. The finalists in no particular order are the

Satan's penis.

And, what is this, a joke?

The horndogs.

What's the matter, boys?

Getting a little nervous?

Not so cocky without Satan's penis right behind you.

Oh, man.

If they win, those 20 years playing the Holiday Inn will seem like a waste of my

life.

Don't you worry your pretty head about it.

Mama's got it covered.

The new guy.

What

happened

to you?

I don't know.

Last thing I remember is the overpowering smell of hatred.

Mimi.

No, guys, I can't play. I got to go to the emergency room.

Are you sure?

I'm a doctor. Yeah, I'm sure.

Hey, last call. Horn dogs.

What are you going to play with just a trumpet and a drum?

Caps.

That's it, man. Might as well just force it.

Hey, Mr.

MC, I got some bad news about the horn dogs.

What do you got, two songs?

Here you come back, man. That's great.

Oh, yeah. We'll hit it.

tried to give it to them but that it was a long time we'd have win and you

tried to give it to me again again again but i didn't want

it