All language subtitles for The Drew Carey Show s03e08 The Dog and Pony Show

Oswald, you're here again.

Yeah, I know. It's been a whole hour.
But I was delivering this human heart to

the hospital, and I thought... I should
go see my sweetheart.

Oh, my God. You have a heart in there?
What are you crazy? Get out of here.

I'm just kidding. I brought your lunch.

They let me keep the... They let me keep
the cooler after I delivered the heart.

Thanks, honey. Sure.

Listen, when you came by this morning
and delivered that registered kiss, that

was cute.

And when you made me sign for the hug,
that was cute.

But you know what? I think we'll
appreciate each other even more if we

visit during work hours quite so much.

Oh, my God, I'm getting clingy.

Please tell me I'm not clingy.

Is he bothering you?

Yes, we're seeing each other.

Seeing each other?

Open your mouth.

No.

I'll give you a dollar.

That's all I needed to know.

What a dope.

Here's your furry little crap machine.

Excuse me, Mimi, but this is our boss's
furry little crap machine.

And his crap is worth more than you make
in a year.

There's a law that says you're supposed
to pick up after your dog.

There's a map of everywhere he went.

Fine. Leave it on Carrie's desk.

What kind of, let's say, dog is that?

It's Lucky, Mrs. Lauder's champion
Hungarian poolie.

I know he looks mangy, but his unique
coat is what makes him such a lovely

breeder. I promised I would take care of
him as if he was my own child.

Now, where's Carrie? I'm dumping the old
bat's hairball on him.

Don't you remember you sent him to teach
that seminar in Toledo so you could

charge him for a sick day and not pay
him for it?

Oh, yes.

Perhaps you could take the dog for a few
days. I have a lady houseguest who

simply adores me, if you know what I'm
saying.

But she's allergic to dogs.

How long's your mom staying?

About ten days, minutes.

Look, I'd love to take the dog, but they
don't allow pets in my building.

I guess I could drop him off at Drew's
place.

Thank you.

He needs to be walked every three hours,
and he likes to have his belly rubbed.

Also, he's horribly allergic to
something very common. Begins with the

A, if he eats it, he'll vomit all over
the floor and then die.

Oh, well, I'll call if I think of it.

All this energy calling me back where it
comes from.

It's such a crude attitude.

It's back where it belongs.

All the little chicks with the crimson
lips go Cleveland Rock, Cleveland Rock.

Living in sin with a safety pin go
Cleveland Rock.

I brought you a little friend here.

Now, I'm not going to leave until I'm
sure the two of you will get along.

Now, play nice.

Well, once you put your nose there, I
guess you're friends.

But you need stuff, so wait for the
sound of a beep. It kind of fizzles out,

then a crackling sound, and then there's
kind of a pop.

Then you can leave your message.

Drew, it's Oswald. I'm out of gas, and I
need a ride back from the Huntley

Hotel.

Hey, remember Barbara, that cheerleader
from high school? She's here, and she's

hitting on me. Oh, really?

I told her, back off. I'm in love with
the most beautiful girl in the whole

world. Oswald, I'll be there in 20
minutes. Oh, hi.

I'll be there in five.

I am telling you, that was the best
seminar and paperwork reduction I ever

I swear, for the last two hours, the
audience didn't even blink.

Are you sure they weren't just sleeping
with eyeballs painted on their eyelids?

No, that'd be impossible because...
Bastard.

Hey, Drew.

When did your mop start breathing?

What the hell is that? Is that a dog?

There's no tags either. And his hair's
all matted up. I'll call the animal

shelter. No, no, no, wait. Let's, uh...
Maybe I should just keep him. You know,

if we take him to the pound, you know,
they'll just... What?

Well, you know...

Oh, yeah, they'll take him to Doggy
Island, where all the dogs run free and

big steaks, right?

Doggy Island?

Yeah, where they took Skipper when I was
eight.

Hey, you know, I think the little guy's
a lot happier now that we got him all

cleaned up and had the vet check him
out. Yeah, and I don't have kennel

How's Lucky doing?

Pretty good. How's Goofy doing?

Not bad.

No, Lucky, the dog I left here.

You mean there wasn't a stray?

Didn't you read my note?

Where's Lucky? Is he all right?

Please don't tell me that this is Mrs.

Louder's dog.

No, please don't tell me this is Mrs.
Louder's dog.

Mr. Wick with dog sitting and he asked
me to drop it off with you. It's a prize

-winning Hungarian pulley. He was
supposed to look that way. What have you

Well, he was hot.

You don't understand.

This dog is a stud. He's worth a
fortune. He's a breeding dog.

Well, what are we so worried about? I
mean, hair grows back, doesn't it?

We also had something done to him that
doesn't grow back.

You're not lucky at all, are you?

Yeah, hi, Doc.

Yeah, it's Drew Carey. I was just in
there. Yeah.

See, listen, I have kind of an unusual
question.

When you fix a dog, do you keep
anything?

I don't know if that's the stupidest
question you ever heard. Your world is

pretty small.

Lucky's charms are gone.

Well, it's okay, little fella. Think of
it this way. It's one less thing to

clean.

That'll save you an hour a day.

Don't you guys see what's going on here?

Monday morning, I'm going to go to work,
and Mr. Wick's going to fire me. Hey,

maybe Mrs. Blatter won't be as upset as
you think. I mean, looks don't matter so

much when you love your pet.

Remember Lewis's dog last year? He was
ugly.

It wasn't a dog.

What was I feeding?

That was Chapter, the cat from Drug Co.
on gene therapy.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, he's a bear now. Oh.

Drew, you're saved. I found purebred
coolies for sale.

Oh, champion lineage.

5K. Wow, they must be a good dog if they
can run a 5K.

I wonder who this is.

Well, I've heard of animals finding
their way home. Maybe it's Lucky's

Well, we were close.

I assume that was an insult. I'm here to
get Lucky.

Oh, sir, I like you and everything,
but... No, don't. Lucky the dog.

My mom is not coming, so I can take him
back. Where is he? Here, boy. Here,

Lucky.

Carrie, there's no other way to say
this, but your dog is butt ugly.

Uh, sir, that is lucky.

There's more.

Well, technically less.

There's no good way to put this, sir.

There's no more ding -dongs in Lucky's
lunchbox.

I know what you're up to. This is all a
plan. You're trying to get me fired so

you can have my job. I want to get
fired, too. I didn't say it was a good

you Yankee clipper.

Drew, what did you do to that dog?

He knows.

Oh, anyway, I just found purebred
bullies for sale, but the lowest the guy

go is $4 ,500.

$4 ,500.

Might as well be a million. Where am I
going to get $4 ,500?

I don't even know anybody who can lend
me $4 ,500.

Unless he's rich and British and doesn't
know when to jump in.

Carrie, this isn't easy. There's
something you don't know about me. I

money, but I can't touch a penny of it.
Why not?

I have a passion for the ponies. A
passion for ponies? That's disgusting.

I bet on them, you moron.

And after years, I've learned I can't be
trusted with my money, so the court

appointed me a financial guardian.

You could always sell your body for
money.

Hold on a second.

That's not so stupid. That's like those
guys we saw in that movie, The Full

Monty. I'll do it.

You mean you're going to make your money
by stripping? I'll do it.

Yeah. Those guys made a fortune. They
weren't so good looking.

Hey, the only reason those guys made all
that money is because they had to go

all the way.

Well? I'll do it. I'll do it right now.

Look, I know we're all desperate and I
can't afford to lose my job either, but

just don't think I can do it. It's just
so Benny Hill.

Listen, if I'm doing it, you're doing
it. We wouldn't even be in this mess if

wasn't for you dumping that dog on me.
Besides, my best friends are doing it.

Huh?

They don't even have to.

Drew, what if some of us have
surprisingly red hair?

That's great. We have a finale.

Come on, Mr. Wick, you're in great
shape. There's nothing to be ashamed of.

don't understand.

After I was born, I wasn't... Well,
let's just say my captain still wears

cap to dinner.

Calm down, calm down.

Trust me, it'll be worth the wait. Keep
drinking, we'll look a lot better.

Okay, now it's ours for the night.

Just tell me one thing, man. We're not
going to make complete idiots of

ourselves up there, are we? Oh, relax,
Drew. We practice, we know what we're

doing, and the human body is the most
natural thing in the world.

Besides, we get to be naked.

Where the hell are you?

I'm ready for you.

Just want to warn you, Mimi.

Once that music starts and I'm on stage,
I might lose control.

I might just improvise a little lap
dance.

Here's my 20 bucks. Keep your punching
bag out of my face.

You guys are going to do great.

I'm going to go grab a seat.

What? You can't say. I thought you were
just dropping us off.

What are you so worried about, Drew? You
were a speedo at the lake.

I've seen everything.

And I'm dating Oswald, so there's no
surprise there.

All that's left is the captain and Big
Red.

I'm not doing it. Why not? It's not the
hair, is it? No, it's not that. I was so

nervous it went gray overnight.

I'm nervous, Lewis. I need you up there,
man.

I need the silver fox.

You mean Charlie Rich?

Call it what you will.

I'm sorry, Drew. I can't do the baby
elephant walk.

It's just wrong.

Great. Now we're down a man.

Hey, Drew.

Nikki, what are you doing here? You're
not supposed to be back till Monday.

Surprise! I'm back early.

I came here to find you. Can you believe
it? I heard a bunch of schlubs are

going to strip down to nothing.

I guess they have their reasons.

Oh, my.

God, it's you.

Nikki, I'm really sorry.

You better be. I haven't got a camera.

I didn't call my girlfriends.

Oh, my God, it's Grandma's birthday. She
would have loved this.

Hey, Carrie.

Heard one of your boys got cold feet.

Larry, when did you get out of jail?

This morning. I got probation.

I'm a first -timer and a responsible
member of the community.

Here's the deal. I'll take my clothes
off for a hundred bucks.

What do we need you for?

You want to see what I bring to the
party?

Step into my office.

You're in.

Jeez, you'd think you'd be more popular.

Everybody, can I have your attention,
please?

Calm down, calm down.

We'll be starting in just a few minutes.
We just have to go change.

Oh, and no flash photography.

It upsets Kong.

I'm just here because I came in by
accident.

Oh, and I'm just here to support my
boyfriend.

I'm not... You're yapping.

I don't want to miss any of the meat.

I'll pay for the tickets. We're just
having fun here.

Hey, take it up with the city council.

Maybe I will.

Come on.

How are you guys keeping those packages
on anyway? We've got Velcro.

You guys got Velcro?

Thank you, Mr. Zeckler, for making this
a better neighborhood. God bless you.

Drew Carey, sir, we're the ones who want
to expose ourselves in the bar to raise

money for a dog we castrated.

Mr. Carey, the zoning ordinance is
strictly forbid stripping in your area.

In fact, you may be the exact reason why
these laws were created.

Okay, first of all, there's another
adult -oriented business in the area.

Adamity Bookstore is right down the
street. It's open seven days a week.

Half a day on Sunday.

Or you just happen to know that?

No, it's where I buy my pornography.

But still, that business complies with
zoning regulations.

There's no live entertainment, only
magazines.

And on a personal note, those people
work out every once in a while.

If I may interject, in Europe, nudity is
commonplace. You see it all the time.

On the beaches.

No, not... Not just on the beaches. All
over the place. Movie theaters, cafes,

restaurants. That's not true. I've been
to Europe. They don't do that.

Been to Asia?

Look, I don't see what the big deal is.
You're born naked and you die naked. End

of story.

You don't die naked.

You plan it right, you do.

All I'm saying is one way or another,
somebody's going to see me naked. Come

You want to see what I bring to the
party? Oh, come on.

Your Honor, we want to go on record to
shout it from the mountaintops that on

this Wednesday, November 1997, we stood
up for our right to see these men naked.

All right, then. For the record, what
are your names?

Lucy. Ethel.

All right, all right. Now, we've all had
our fun. Now it's time for me to say

request denied. Bang my little wooden
thing.

Wait a second.

It's so unfair.

How can you decide on something without
even seeing it?

Don't you guys want to see it?

Yeah!

Lewis, honey.

Finally over that hair problem?

Hey, no hair, no problem.

$4 ,699.

I bet there's almost $4 ,800 here. What
should we do with the extra?

I say we put the money into new
costumes.

And then... No, we've got to do what's
right. We've got to give this money to

the people who earned it.

Sorry, I had to see my butt.

Sorry, I had to see my butt.