All language subtitles for The Drew Carey Show s03e06 Drew vs The Pig

Don't you look at this, Brad? This is
the biggest butt -to -gut night the

Warsaw's ever had.

Yeah, that's why they had to hire us.
Yeah, we get 25 bucks off the rent in

place upstairs, and they get two world
-class gourmet chefs.

Ow! Grease birds!

All right, lay down the tarps and get up
the safety goggles, because I'm going

to eat until the cows come home.

Then he's going to eat the cows.

This must be getting serious.

Drew's never brought a date to Bust a
Gut Night before.

He said it was too many conflicting
urges.

Wow, look at this.

Buffalo wings, chicken leg, beef rib.

It's like someone dipped Noah's Ark in a
deep fryer.

I know it can be kind of overwhelming at
first, but there's a technique, see?

You have to start with a starter plate.
Lay down a solid layer of meats and

cheeses.

Remember, you're not a sprinter.

You're a long -distance runner.

Drew, I can't eat this.

Look, I know it's your first trip to the
moon, but don't worry, you're with Neil

freaking Armstrong.

I guess it's time I told you something.

I used to be different.

I mean, there used to be more of me.

Oh, my God.

Nicky, Nick.

Nicky, Nick.

No, Drew, I'm a woman.

It's just what I meant to say was I used
to be overweight.

You? No way.

Yeah, over the last two years, I've lost
85 pounds.

Wow. I'm down to my last couple of
pounds. It's just I'm trying to eat

healthier, so if you don't mind, I'll
pass.

Oh. Well, you don't mind a fight, do
you? No, no, trust me. I know the worst

thing to do to someone who loves to eat
is to nag them about it.

Wow.

Hey, listen, if you can support me like
that, I'm going to support you. I'm

going to lose five pounds for every
pound you lose.

Besides, how hard can it be to lose ten
pounds, huh?

Ten pounds? That's easy. Just wipe the
crumbs off your mouth.

Mimi, this is my girlfriend, Nikki.
Nikki, this is the thing that goes bump

the night.

Girlfriend, huh?

When I clap my hands, you're going to
wake up and regain your eyesight.

Carrie!

Some girl, Carrie, is bothering.

What are you doing here, sir?

Well, I always hang out here.

Look, there's an American jukebox.

These are the Dutch bigwigs. There's
been some concern that since I got the

Jaguar, I've lost touch with the people.
Just play along.

Come on, boys, let's go and get urine
-faced.

Oh, listen, I'm going to get rid of this
stuff. I'll be right back.

Hey, would you mind not calling me fat
in front of my girlfriend?

I'd do it behind your back, but I don't
want to take that walk.

Trust me, there's no way you're going to
lose ten pounds.

I could do it in two weeks.

Willing to bet on it?

I'll bet twenty bucks.

Oh, how about twenty bucks a pound?

You're on.

Just to show you how curious I am, I'm
not going to try to salvage that, even

though the rib isn't technically
touching the floor.

When's the floor ever stopped you? I've
seen you eat Cheetos out of a dustpan.

Hey, Drew, tried the bacon -wrapped
sausages yet? I can almost feel your

slow down. It's really cool.

None for me, thanks. I'm done eating for
the night.

All this

energy calling me.

Back where it comes from.

It's such a crude...

It's back where it belongs.

All the little chicks with the crimson
lips go Cleveland Rock, Cleveland Rock.

Living in sin with a safety pin gone.

It's story time.

Make yourselves comfortable.

Close your eyes.

Open your heart and prepare for a
magical tale.

Once upon a time, Hopkins was fired.

And everyone else lived happily

ever after.

Except a little more scared.

Right, back to work.

Tell Mr. Wick I quit.

Don't you want to know why?

Oh, I learned long ago to corrupt you
people.

Woo! I've got to be a... Well,

just so you know, we're going to get a
booth at the Harvest Festival, and we

going to sell buzz beer hot takes.

Hey, I'm back.

No, no, no, no. No, seriously.

You've got to try them.

All right, just one bite, because I'm on
a diet.

and I thought I'd share some with my
hand.

Hi, guys.

Hey. Drew, you ready to go to lunch? Oh,
yeah. Hey, we're doing this salad bar

thing.

It's an amazing concept. You go and you
eat salad and then you just stop.

Hey, buzz beer salad dressing.

Then people won't know you're drinking
at lunch.

it, but I know how that used to bug me,
so I'm not gonna.

Ask away, because I'm well under 200.

You weigh 210 pounds.

Don't worry.

Mimi?

Don't let her get to you, Drew. You're
doing great. You could lose 20 pounds if

you wanted to.

See if you still feel that way in an
hour when he's tearing through that

bar like a lion through a gazelle.

Going to lunch, Gary?

Yes, sir.

Looking forward to it?

Um, I'm not going to lunch, am I? Oh, I
wanted to say that.

Look, look, why don't I bring you
something back?

What do you like on your salad?

Pie.

I'll surprise you.

Oh, I thought you were going on a diet
because you wanted to lose weight.

But you're going on a diet because your
girlfriend wants you to lose weight.

Well, if you got it backwards, I'm
trying to help her.

She used to have a weight problem, and
I'm doing this for moral support.

Get a clue, Sir Lawrence Oblivier.

Blondie never had a weight problem.

She's just trying to trick you into
losing weight because she's embarrassed

about you. I mean, wake up and smell the
coffee cake.

How do you know?

The world's full of people who want to
change you. If it's not your hair, it's

your makeup or your clothes.

Oh.

You've been through the same thing, huh?

Hey, I was a teenager. I had an awkward
stage.

I'm sure there's people who are never
satisfied with the way you are. But

not Nikki.

You're wrong about her, you're wrong
about the diet, and you're wrong about

everything you've ever worn.

So you're gonna try and die it, huh?
This is gonna be the easiest 200 I ever

made. Oh, I'm sure Ripley's must have
paid you something for something.

Okay, surprise, surprise.

A beer -powered lawnmower was a bad
idea.

But the good news is the beer -powered
Oswald's running just fine.

Okay, you guys, we still need to think
of something to grab people's attention

at the festival.

Hey, you know what?

I read about this thing called the
backwards completion principle.

What you do is you envision your moment
of success... Then you work your way

backwards to figure out how you got
there.

Okay, okay.

We're in the newspaper because we've
done something amazing with Buzz Beer.

I got it.

We're in the paper because we've created
the world's largest mug of beer.

That's brilliant!

We should do everything backwards.

Agree I.

Okay, you're right.

You're right, it doesn't always work.

It's an innate. Shut up. K .O. Upshot.

There you go.

Juice still at play, but what's on pay
-per -view?

Uh, it's how to make an American quilt.

Oh, I love those sensitive women's
movies. Sometimes they get together and

naked.

Do you think Drew will notice it on his
bill?

Oh, who cares? The fun part is watching
him call up the cable company and bitch.

Oh, my God, there he is.

This came on all by itself, Drew. Hey,
you should call the cable company and

them a new one.

Uh -oh.

Silent treatment.

He must really be mad.

I can't enjoy the quilt with this kind
of tension.

Hey, we're sorry, Drew. We'll pay you
back.

Wait, something's wrong here. He's not
wearing his glasses.

And he's using a plate.

Oh, my God, he's sleep -eating.

Hey, let's see if we can guide his
dreams.

You're being attacked by a flock of
birds.

Okay,

now there's a beautiful woman wearing
hot pants approaching, and she wants a

bite of your sandwich.

You guys, come on, come on. He's
screwing up his diet.

I know what'll wake him up. A vegetable.

We have these celery left over from our
Bloody Mary night. Let's watch.

Hey,

what are you guys doing at Pamela Lee's
house on New Year's Eve?

Drew, Drew, so you're eating in your
sleep.

Oh, man, no wonder this diet isn't
working.

I don't know why I'm killing myself
anyway.

Nikki doesn't like me the way I am. It's
over no matter what I do.

Wow, where did that come from?

Mimi. She said that Nicky lied about
being overweight just to get me to go on

diet. I was willing to go to a salad bar
for her. I thought she was the one.

Look, I know it's hard to imagine Nicky
overweight, and sometimes people do

manipulate people in very subtle ways,
Oswald.

Huh?

She's right.

So what are you going to do, Oswald?
He's right.

I don't know, but somehow I've got to
find a way to figure out if he was ever

really fat.

What's that?

You not only eat in your sleep, you
bake.

Step right up and have your picture
taken with the world's largest mug of

Only $2.

That's right, folks. We've got over 2
,000 gallons.

of buzz beer. That's enough to kill over
2 million brain cells and destroy 17

marriages. What if it makes you want to
pee just looking at it, don't it? Step

right up.

Step right up.

Hey, guys. Hey.

Where did you get this thing?

Oh, at Drug Co. They only used it for
one experiment. So wasteful. So I

it down. It's as good as new.

Oh, that's weird.

I lost another fingernail.

Uh, Drew.

Drew, it's your Drew. Hand me that net,
will ya?

Another duck?

Yeah, they're mean when they're drunk.

So, did you find out if Nikki really was
fat?

No, and I can't just come out and ask
her. It'd be just like accusing her of

lying.

All right, buddy.

You don't have to go home, but you can't
stay here.

Don't worry, Drew. I have a plan.

Hey, Nikki.

I'm, uh, I'm having a little trouble
with this crossword puzzle. I wonder if

could help me.

Fatty, fatty, two by four, blank, blank,
blank, blank, blank, blank, door.

Okay, I'll find out if she was fat.
Watch the master.

Boy, I love calliope music.

Shall we?

Shall we what?

What's he going for here? I don't know.
Loose skin, stretch marks. Believe me,

we'll be back to the puzzle.

What are you doing?

It's a sad state of affairs when a man
has to explain why he wants a woman to

dance at a carnival.

Adieu.

Guys, we got trouble in the mug. What?

What's wrong? There's a leak on the
bottom. Somebody's got to go down and

it.

You've got someone who loves you.

Give me this.

Hey, this is ironic.

Twelve steps.

There's a man who's achieved one of his
three lifetime goals. God bless you.

Look, we're finally getting a crowd.

Step right up. Get your picture taken
with Beer Boy.

That's right. The amazing Beer Boy. His
mother was hops. His father was barley.

He longed for the love of a human woman,
yet is destined to drink alone for

eternity.

Oh, look.

The Beer Boy is evolving before our very
eyes.

But don't stand too close.

hideous gases may be building in his
body.

After years of beer habitation, I can
only survive 20 minutes in your oxygen

-rich atmosphere.

Wait.

I must take another breath.

There. Now, beer boy, feel good.

Hey,

look, it's beer boy.

I hear he has the indestructible liver
and false confidence of ten men.

I must have my picture taken with him.
Maybe later. Right now I have to exhale

like a racehorse.

Oh, my gosh.

Mickey Pfeiffer.

It's Joni Phillips, class of 82,
remember?

Hi.

You went to high school with her?

Boy, how'd you even recognize her?
Because I hear she changed quite a bit.

Nope. She looks exactly the same.

Right down to the hair.

Ooh, way to hang on to a look, huh?

I'm going to go get a beer.

Do you really want to see a look?

Be here when I get back.

I guess that's it.

It's been Lady Sang.

gentlemen, the watermelon eating contest
is about to begin.

Beat the champ and win $300.

Did someone just say, Drew Carey, get
over here and win a contest?

You're actually going to enter that
thing?

Why not? The diet's over. The
relationship's over.

Might as well win the money to pay Mimi
back after she wins the bet.

Eating is just another word for nothing
left to lose.

Wait a second. He's not going to go
break up with her, is he?

Yeah, she lied about being overweight in
high school. It's a long story. Do you

want your picture taken with Beer Boy?
She really was overweight in high

I guess I'm still mad because she
completely blocked me out of being your

picture. But you did lose like a hundred
pounds.

Well, anyways, will you tell her that
I'm sorry?

Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. We've got to
tell Drew that Nikki really was fat

he breaks up with her.

You go.

Beer Boy must stay and make drunken
phone calls to old girlfriends.

Our next contestant is Drew Carey
challenging the North American champion,

Walter.

I hate to see family go at it like this.

Snouts down, ears back.

comes to mind then quickly vanishes.

I figure what the hell, you're
embarrassed about the way I look anyway.

I'm not embarrassed.

I'm not embarrassed about the way you
look.

Uh, Drew, I have something important to
tell you.

Hey,

guess what? I just, uh...

I just ate a half a pound of nature's
tastiest laxative for no reason

whatsoever.

Look, I thought you were lying to me
about being heavy just to get me to go

diet.

You know what it's like when you're
overweight. Sometimes the fat just gets

your brain and makes you crazy.

Look, Drew, when I was overweight, I
always thought I was being judged, too.

you've got to believe me. I like you the
way you are.

You're solid, you're jolly, and you're
shade on a summer's day.

Next time something's bothering you,
talk to me.

Don't try to work it out with barnyard
animals.

Attention, please. Will the owner of
Beer Boy please go to the lost and

And if you have his pants, please bring
those, too.

Well, I better go save Beer Boy. You
know, without his pants, he's just a

drunk guy.

I told you we couldn't drink at all.

I'm not done yet.

I just realized something. What?

How are we going to get out of here?

Why do we want to get out of here at
all? I mean, what's out there but

disappointment and heartbreak?

Good night, Oswald.

Good night, Lewis.