Original subtitles

Don't you look at this, Brad? This is the biggest butt -to -gut night the

Warsaw's ever had.

Yeah, that's why they had to hire us. Yeah, we get 25 bucks off the rent in

place upstairs, and they get two world -class gourmet chefs.

Ow! Grease birds!

All right, lay down the tarps and get up the safety goggles, because I'm going

to eat until the cows come home.

Then he's going to eat the cows.

This must be getting serious.

Drew's never brought a date to Bust a Gut Night before.

He said it was too many conflicting urges.

Wow, look at this.

Buffalo wings, chicken leg, beef rib.

It's like someone dipped Noah's Ark in a deep fryer.

I know it can be kind of overwhelming at first, but there's a technique, see?

You have to start with a starter plate. Lay down a solid layer of meats and

cheeses.

Remember, you're not a sprinter.

You're a long -distance runner.

Drew, I can't eat this.

Look, I know it's your first trip to the moon, but don't worry, you're with Neil

freaking Armstrong.

I guess it's time I told you something.

I used to be different.

I mean, there used to be more of me.

Oh, my God.

Nicky, Nick.

Nicky, Nick.

No, Drew, I'm a woman.

It's just what I meant to say was I used to be overweight.

You? No way.

Yeah, over the last two years, I've lost 85 pounds.

Wow. I'm down to my last couple of pounds. It's just I'm trying to eat

healthier, so if you don't mind, I'll pass.

Oh. Well, you don't mind a fight, do you? No, no, trust me. I know the worst

thing to do to someone who loves to eat is to nag them about it.

Wow.

Hey, listen, if you can support me like that, I'm going to support you. I'm

going to lose five pounds for every pound you lose.

Besides, how hard can it be to lose ten pounds, huh?

Ten pounds? That's easy. Just wipe the crumbs off your mouth.

Mimi, this is my girlfriend, Nikki. Nikki, this is the thing that goes bump

the night.

Girlfriend, huh?

When I clap my hands, you're going to wake up and regain your eyesight.

Carrie!

Some girl, Carrie, is bothering.

What are you doing here, sir?

Well, I always hang out here.

Look, there's an American jukebox.

These are the Dutch bigwigs. There's been some concern that since I got the

Jaguar, I've lost touch with the people. Just play along.

Come on, boys, let's go and get urine -faced.

Oh, listen, I'm going to get rid of this stuff. I'll be right back.

Hey, would you mind not calling me fat in front of my girlfriend?

I'd do it behind your back, but I don't want to take that walk.

Trust me, there's no way you're going to lose ten pounds.

I could do it in two weeks.

Willing to bet on it?

I'll bet twenty bucks.

Oh, how about twenty bucks a pound?

You're on.

Just to show you how curious I am, I'm not going to try to salvage that, even

though the rib isn't technically touching the floor.

When's the floor ever stopped you? I've seen you eat Cheetos out of a dustpan.

Hey, Drew, tried the bacon -wrapped sausages yet? I can almost feel your

slow down. It's really cool.

None for me, thanks. I'm done eating for the night.

All this

energy calling me.

Back where it comes from.

It's such a crude...

It's back where it belongs.

All the little chicks with the crimson lips go Cleveland Rock, Cleveland Rock.

Living in sin with a safety pin gone.

It's story time.

Make yourselves comfortable.

Close your eyes.

Open your heart and prepare for a magical tale.

Once upon a time, Hopkins was fired.

And everyone else lived happily

ever after.

Except a little more scared.

Right, back to work.

Tell Mr. Wick I quit.

Don't you want to know why?

Oh, I learned long ago to corrupt you people.

Woo! I've got to be a... Well,

just so you know, we're going to get a booth at the Harvest Festival, and we

going to sell buzz beer hot takes.

Hey, I'm back.

No, no, no, no. No, seriously.

You've got to try them.

All right, just one bite, because I'm on a diet.

and I thought I'd share some with my hand.

Hi, guys.

Hey. Drew, you ready to go to lunch? Oh, yeah. Hey, we're doing this salad bar

thing.

It's an amazing concept. You go and you eat salad and then you just stop.

Hey, buzz beer salad dressing.

Then people won't know you're drinking at lunch.

it, but I know how that used to bug me, so I'm not gonna.

Ask away, because I'm well under 200.

You weigh 210 pounds.

Don't worry.

Mimi?

Don't let her get to you, Drew. You're doing great. You could lose 20 pounds if

you wanted to.

See if you still feel that way in an hour when he's tearing through that

bar like a lion through a gazelle.

Going to lunch, Gary?

Yes, sir.

Looking forward to it?

Um, I'm not going to lunch, am I? Oh, I wanted to say that.

Look, look, why don't I bring you something back?

What do you like on your salad?

Pie.

I'll surprise you.

Oh, I thought you were going on a diet because you wanted to lose weight.

But you're going on a diet because your girlfriend wants you to lose weight.

Well, if you got it backwards, I'm trying to help her.

She used to have a weight problem, and I'm doing this for moral support.

Get a clue, Sir Lawrence Oblivier.

Blondie never had a weight problem.

She's just trying to trick you into losing weight because she's embarrassed

about you. I mean, wake up and smell the coffee cake.

How do you know?

The world's full of people who want to change you. If it's not your hair, it's

your makeup or your clothes.

Oh.

You've been through the same thing, huh?

Hey, I was a teenager. I had an awkward stage.

I'm sure there's people who are never satisfied with the way you are. But

not Nikki.

You're wrong about her, you're wrong about the diet, and you're wrong about

everything you've ever worn.

So you're gonna try and die it, huh? This is gonna be the easiest 200 I ever

made. Oh, I'm sure Ripley's must have paid you something for something.

Okay, surprise, surprise.

A beer -powered lawnmower was a bad idea.

But the good news is the beer -powered Oswald's running just fine.

Okay, you guys, we still need to think of something to grab people's attention

at the festival.

Hey, you know what?

I read about this thing called the backwards completion principle.

What you do is you envision your moment of success... Then you work your way

backwards to figure out how you got there.

Okay, okay.

We're in the newspaper because we've done something amazing with Buzz Beer.

I got it.

We're in the paper because we've created the world's largest mug of beer.

That's brilliant!

We should do everything backwards.

Agree I.

Okay, you're right.

You're right, it doesn't always work.

It's an innate. Shut up. K .O. Upshot.

There you go.

Juice still at play, but what's on pay -per -view?

Uh, it's how to make an American quilt.

Oh, I love those sensitive women's movies. Sometimes they get together and

naked.

Do you think Drew will notice it on his bill?

Oh, who cares? The fun part is watching him call up the cable company and bitch.

Oh, my God, there he is.

This came on all by itself, Drew. Hey, you should call the cable company and

them a new one.

Uh -oh.

Silent treatment.

He must really be mad.

I can't enjoy the quilt with this kind of tension.

Hey, we're sorry, Drew. We'll pay you back.

Wait, something's wrong here. He's not wearing his glasses.

And he's using a plate.

Oh, my God, he's sleep -eating.

Hey, let's see if we can guide his dreams.

You're being attacked by a flock of birds.

Okay,

now there's a beautiful woman wearing hot pants approaching, and she wants a

bite of your sandwich.

You guys, come on, come on. He's screwing up his diet.

I know what'll wake him up. A vegetable.

We have these celery left over from our Bloody Mary night. Let's watch.

Hey,

what are you guys doing at Pamela Lee's house on New Year's Eve?

Drew, Drew, so you're eating in your sleep.

Oh, man, no wonder this diet isn't working.

I don't know why I'm killing myself anyway.

Nikki doesn't like me the way I am. It's over no matter what I do.

Wow, where did that come from?

Mimi. She said that Nicky lied about being overweight just to get me to go on

diet. I was willing to go to a salad bar for her. I thought she was the one.

Look, I know it's hard to imagine Nicky overweight, and sometimes people do

manipulate people in very subtle ways, Oswald.

Huh?

She's right.

So what are you going to do, Oswald? He's right.

I don't know, but somehow I've got to find a way to figure out if he was ever

really fat.

What's that?

You not only eat in your sleep, you bake.

Step right up and have your picture taken with the world's largest mug of

Only $2.

That's right, folks. We've got over 2 ,000 gallons.

of buzz beer. That's enough to kill over 2 million brain cells and destroy 17

marriages. What if it makes you want to pee just looking at it, don't it? Step

right up.

Step right up.

Hey, guys. Hey.

Where did you get this thing?

Oh, at Drug Co. They only used it for one experiment. So wasteful. So I

it down. It's as good as new.

Oh, that's weird.

I lost another fingernail.

Uh, Drew.

Drew, it's your Drew. Hand me that net, will ya?

Another duck?

Yeah, they're mean when they're drunk.

So, did you find out if Nikki really was fat?

No, and I can't just come out and ask her. It'd be just like accusing her of

lying.

All right, buddy.

You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.

Don't worry, Drew. I have a plan.

Hey, Nikki.

I'm, uh, I'm having a little trouble with this crossword puzzle. I wonder if

could help me.

Fatty, fatty, two by four, blank, blank, blank, blank, blank, blank, door.

Okay, I'll find out if she was fat. Watch the master.

Boy, I love calliope music.

Shall we?

Shall we what?

What's he going for here? I don't know. Loose skin, stretch marks. Believe me,

we'll be back to the puzzle.

What are you doing?

It's a sad state of affairs when a man has to explain why he wants a woman to

dance at a carnival.

Adieu.

Guys, we got trouble in the mug. What?

What's wrong? There's a leak on the bottom. Somebody's got to go down and

it.

You've got someone who loves you.

Give me this.

Hey, this is ironic.

Twelve steps.

There's a man who's achieved one of his three lifetime goals. God bless you.

Look, we're finally getting a crowd.

Step right up. Get your picture taken with Beer Boy.

That's right. The amazing Beer Boy. His mother was hops. His father was barley.

He longed for the love of a human woman, yet is destined to drink alone for

eternity.

Oh, look.

The Beer Boy is evolving before our very eyes.

But don't stand too close.

hideous gases may be building in his body.

After years of beer habitation, I can only survive 20 minutes in your oxygen

-rich atmosphere.

Wait.

I must take another breath.

There. Now, beer boy, feel good.

Hey,

look, it's beer boy.

I hear he has the indestructible liver and false confidence of ten men.

I must have my picture taken with him. Maybe later. Right now I have to exhale

like a racehorse.

Oh, my gosh.

Mickey Pfeiffer.

It's Joni Phillips, class of 82, remember?

Hi.

You went to high school with her?

Boy, how'd you even recognize her? Because I hear she changed quite a bit.

Nope. She looks exactly the same.

Right down to the hair.

Ooh, way to hang on to a look, huh?

I'm going to go get a beer.

Do you really want to see a look?

Be here when I get back.

I guess that's it.

It's been Lady Sang.

gentlemen, the watermelon eating contest is about to begin.

Beat the champ and win $300.

Did someone just say, Drew Carey, get over here and win a contest?

You're actually going to enter that thing?

Why not? The diet's over. The relationship's over.

Might as well win the money to pay Mimi back after she wins the bet.

Eating is just another word for nothing left to lose.

Wait a second. He's not going to go break up with her, is he?

Yeah, she lied about being overweight in high school. It's a long story. Do you

want your picture taken with Beer Boy? She really was overweight in high

I guess I'm still mad because she completely blocked me out of being your

picture. But you did lose like a hundred pounds.

Well, anyways, will you tell her that I'm sorry?

Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. We've got to tell Drew that Nikki really was fat

he breaks up with her.

You go.

Beer Boy must stay and make drunken phone calls to old girlfriends.

Our next contestant is Drew Carey challenging the North American champion,

Walter.

I hate to see family go at it like this.

Snouts down, ears back.

comes to mind then quickly vanishes.

I figure what the hell, you're embarrassed about the way I look anyway.

I'm not embarrassed.

I'm not embarrassed about the way you look.

Uh, Drew, I have something important to tell you.

Hey,

guess what? I just, uh...

I just ate a half a pound of nature's tastiest laxative for no reason

whatsoever.

Look, I thought you were lying to me about being heavy just to get me to go

diet.

You know what it's like when you're overweight. Sometimes the fat just gets

your brain and makes you crazy.

Look, Drew, when I was overweight, I always thought I was being judged, too.

you've got to believe me. I like you the way you are.

You're solid, you're jolly, and you're shade on a summer's day.

Next time something's bothering you, talk to me.

Don't try to work it out with barnyard animals.

Attention, please. Will the owner of Beer Boy please go to the lost and

And if you have his pants, please bring those, too.

Well, I better go save Beer Boy. You know, without his pants, he's just a

drunk guy.

I told you we couldn't drink at all.

I'm not done yet.

I just realized something. What?

How are we going to get out of here?

Why do we want to get out of here at all? I mean, what's out there but

disappointment and heartbreak?

Good night, Oswald.

Good night, Lewis.