All language subtitles for The Drew Carey Show s03e05 A Very Very Very Fine House

Everybody, we just got out of jail!

Huh?

No, keep your money, buddy. Listen, we
weren't arrested for selling drugs.

But Drew was!

But he's innocent!

He's a victim of the damn system!

But God bless America!

See, people will cheer at pretty much
anything!

As long as I do this!

Yay!

Okay, good to know.

Ah, the sweet smell of freedom.

My God, I need a woman.

Lewis, you were in jail for three hours.

And you weren't with a woman for six
months before that.

My God, am I a loser.

Cheer up, buddy.

Hey, how many people here think Lewis is
desirable?

You're the best friend ever, buddy.

Or is he just a jerk?

You know what I can't figure out? How
did Drew not know Larry was selling

out of his house?

Why don't you ask him? He was bailing
himself out when I left.

Hello?

Guys, it's Drew.

What?

Drew maxed out his credit card. He's
$500 short of bail.

Right, we'll be right there.

Drew needs $500.

Where are we going to get it?

Are you kidding? We're among his friends
here. This is his second home.

Hey, everybody.

We need to raise $500 to bail Drew out
of jail. That's ten bucks a person.

with me?

Who's in now?

All right. Ten bucks to hear about the
night I spent in woman's prison.

It comes from... The Fetcher Crew!

All right, come on.

You know, I don't understand why I just
couldn't have came here and got my stuff

on my own.

Hey, you might be out on bail, but your
house is considered evident.

You got ten minutes to get your things
and vacate the crime scene. Crime scene?

The guy that was living with me sold
drugs. I didn't. Do I look like a drug

dealer to you?

Yeah, yeah. Is that the suit of a drug
runner? Or a guy who's done any sort of

running at all?

Yeah, yeah, everyone's a saint.

Hey, what's this?

powdered sugar. Sometimes I eat donuts
in front of the TV.

With no plate?

Hey, they're not there that long.

Ah, it's sugar.

Crime scene. You're talking to a federal
marshal.

Uh -huh.

Hold on. He's right here.

It's Mom.

drug bust at the house.

I don't know. Kinda.

It's all a big mistake. It's... Huh?

Yeah, he's right here.

I just want to talk to you again.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Look, I gotta go, Mom.

No, I don't have time to talk to Dad. I
don't have time to... Hi, Dad.

Yeah, it's running fine.

Hi.

Hello, it's your new neighbors.

Sorry to just barge in, but the door was
open.

And we saw the cop car outside, so we
assumed you were home.

Hi, I'm Drew. I guess I didn't get a
chance to meet you while I was being

arrested.

Just a federal marshal.

I'm Janet, and this is Greg.

Hi. And you weren't home, so they
dropped us at our door. Excuse me. I'm

to have to take a look at that.

A professional scale.

Gee, I wonder what you'd need this for.

It's for a big lawsuit I'm putting
together.

I intend to prove that a quarter pounder
does not weigh a quarter pounder.

You know that's pre -cooked weight.

Yeah, but I...

What were you doing in there, ditching
evidence?

If that's what you want to call it.

Here we are, home sweet home.

You are going to love living above a
bar.

I really like what you and Oswald
have... Have you done anything to this

Hey, it used to just be a sock room
above the Warsaw, but now it's a ladies

-only Euro trash disco.

At least that's what our sign downstairs
says.

Yeah, Oswald isn't going to need that
sign anymore, none of these dating Kate.

Boy, that's going to take some kind of
getting used to.

I don't know, there's something almost
incestuous about it. Yeah, like if my

were to date my, I don't know, my mom or
something.

You guys out of beer?

Oh, we don't keep it in there.

Every time I do that, I feel like I've
made a deal with the devil.

Hey, uh, are you sure there's not some
sort of health regulation about having

dogs up here? Oh, no, it's okay as long
as we keep them out of the bar.

Hey, Speedy, you want some pickle water,
boy? There you go.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Don't eat them. Those are for the paying
customers.

Hey, guys. Hey.

Oh.

Hi.

How you doing, Drew?

Fine.

I was just worried because you were kind
of quiet in the paddy wagon.

Oh, you think I'm upset about you and
Oswald dating each other? No, hey, if

you're happy, I'm happy. No problem.

Hey, have a pickle.

Hi.

Hey, Drew. Here's something for you to
wear in prison.

using it for you, Will.

Oh, gee.

Here you are facing hard time and I'm
telling jokes.

So you're sorry.

No, I'm telling you what I'm going to be
doing for the next 20 minutes.

Oh, oops. Forgot my notes.

Carrie.

We want you to know the store supports
you wholeheartedly.

You'll be loyal to us for ten years, and
we'll be just as loyal to you.

Thank you, sir.

Oh, just for the fun of it, fill the
specimen cup and have it at security by

noon today.

Gee, that does sound like fun.

Drew, your lawyer's here.

Lawyer, pig.

Pig, lawyer.

Nice to meet you, Mr. Carey.

Same here. Shall we get started?

Well, first, shake my hand.

That's not some fancy lawyer version of
pull my finger, is it?

Congratulations. The charges against you
have been dropped. I threatened to

counter sue and they folded.

They never had a case.

I'm not going to jail. That's great.
Well, you're the best lawyer ever.

I feel like going home and committing a
real crime just to watch you do your

stuff.

Actually, there is more you should know.

Nope, that's it. Whole story. Be happy
ending. I'm afraid not, Mr. Carey.

so. I called. Be happy ending. Bye -bye.

But before you call jinx and I can't
talk, I should tell you that the

has seized your house and they're going
to sell it at auction.

What? My house?

They can't do that. You just said I was
innocent.

You may be, but your house was involved
in a crime.

Your roommate paid your mortgage with
drug money, so legally, they can take

house.

Hello, house?

They're on to us. Get the fridge. We'll
get you out of the river.

And, uh...

Tell the oven I love her.

So, Lewis, Kate and I were going out
later and we were wondering if you

to come along.

Yeah.

No, I just feel like a third wheel.

Hey, you're not a third wheel. As a
matter of fact, you can pick where we go

tonight.

Really? Yeah.

Okay. Let's see.

Go for a drive by the lake. Oh, that
sounds nice.

Park. Look at the stars.

Uh -uh.

Maybe go out for a romantic French
dinner.

Grab a bite.

Go home.

Have a little red wine.

See what happens.

One of us could stop watching cable.

Hey, Drew, we just... I wanted you to
know you can stay with us as long as you

want. Lewis, however, may be moving out.

Hey, Nikki, you look great. Well,
thanks.

Why did you want to meet here instead of
at your house?

Oh, good news.

This is my house now.

Your house is a bar?

What's next, actually living inside the
keg?

I'm living upstairs in the storeroom,
you know, with Oswald and Lewis.

Because, you know, the government seized
my house and put it up for auction.

Hey, last chance to marry me.

Oh, hey, you remember everybody from
jail? Uh, Kate, Oswald. Hey.

And Lewis.

Formerly third wheel, now fifth wheel.

Uh,

so Nikki, you're a realtor. What are
these house prices like anyway?

Oh, take my advice and stay home. It'll
break your heart how low they sell your

house for.

Right, probably less than I owe on it.
Way lower.

Some bottom feeders probably gonna get a
great deal because interest rates are

so low right now.

Yep.

Hey, wait a minute.

I'm in the bottom.

How come I can't see some feeding
already?

All I gotta do is buy my house back.

Yeah, sure you can, Drew. If everybody
claps their hands and believes.

Drew, you can't buy your own house back.
It's against the law.

I don't have to. It's so simple.

Now, stay with me.

I allow the house to go up for a quick
auction. One of you guys buys it, but I

make the payments. And because I got it
at an auction, I'll get it for a lot

less than I owe on it.

But, uh -oh!

I have two mortgages, so I'm crazy,
right?

Crazy like a fox.

Here's the beauty part of the plan.

I declare bankruptcy.

See? For once, I'm using the system
instead of the system using me.

At this point, Wile E. Coyote realizes
that the tunnel was just actually

up.

Okay, everybody.

I want to thank you all for coming to my
bankruptcy party.

Now it's time for the oldest unpaid bill
contest.

And none of those PBS pledges, because
nobody pays those anyway.

I got an orthodontist bill from 1987.

Like, I want to pay that jerk. All my
teeth went back the way they were.

Didn't the retainer help?

Oh, what the what?

I have a... student loan bill from one
semester of Lakeland Community College

1984.

Hey, when you give a loan to a guy with
a 2 .0 grade point average, it takes you

a chance.

I hold in my hands a bill for my own
birth.

What are they going to do, put me back?

We have a winner.

A loser, but a winner.

If I could have everybody's attention,
we put together a little song and dance

in honor of Drew.

It seemed like a good idea last night
when we were drunk, and, well, it's too

late to stop us now. So, a one and a
two.

You stick your poor ass in. You stick
your poor ass out. You stick your poor

in and you shake it all about.

You do the going brokey because you're
going down the tubes.

That's when we both passed out.

Very nice. Now let's have a moment of
silence for your pride.

So, uh,

Oswald, what are you dressed up as,
anyway?

Hit me.

I'm the skids.

Oh, man, now that you're his girlfriend,
I gotta listen to you laugh at every

stupid thing he says.

Hey, I got one for you.

Look at me.

I'm on the dole.

Hey. What just, uh, happened over there?
Oh, it's nothing.

Drew. Nothing happened.

Drew, I'm no psychologist, but when a
grown man holds a pineapple to his butt,

it's a cry for help.

It's just weird to watch two of my best
friends date each other.

Well, maybe you should go talk to her.

Because you're really bringing down the
bankruptcy party.

Yeah, you're right.

Hey, Kate, can I talk to you a second?

Oh, is that breathing different than I
did before I started dating Oswald? No,

wait.

Look, I'm really sorry. I just... You
know, I used to be able to say, hey, I'm

in my 30s and I'm not married, but so
what? Neither are my friends. And now

of my best friends are in a great
relationship that has every chance of

out.

I'm just feeling kind of lonely, that's
all.

Now it's just me and Louis.

Oh, my God, it's just me and Louis.

What's long and red and right behind
you?

Is that what you're worried about?

Don't be silly.

If I can find someone, I'm sure you'll
find someone, Drew.

I'm sure you'll find someone, Drew.

I'm sure you'll find someone, Drew.

I'm sure you'll find someone, Drew.

I'm sure you'll find someone, Drew.

Thanks, Kate. I really appreciate that.

And hey, we'll always be friends, right?

Hey, we'll always be friends, right?

Hey,

we'll always be friends, right?

Yeah.

Thanks, Kate. I really appreciate that.

Hey,

Lewis.

Same old, same old, huh? Yeah, just me
and you, buddy.

Just me and you.

Quit looking at me like that, Lewis.
You're freaking me out.

Quit looking at me like that, Lewis.
You're freaking me out.

Quit looking at me like that, Lewis.

You're freaking me out.

Quit looking at me like that, Lewis.
You're freaking me out.

Okay, guys, here's the plan.

I want to buy back this place for as
little as possible, so we have to

everybody it's a real crappy place.

I got an idea. Why don't we just show
them the inside?

Good, that's the spirit. By the way,
screw you.

You know, I... I checked the plumbing
underneath the house, and it looks like

all the pipes will need to be replaced.

Boy, never saw a cockroach ride a rat
before.

Hey, look.

An unmarked grave.

All right, folks.

On behalf of the state of Ohio, we're
ready to take the first bid.

Okay, Lewis, start the bidding for me.

What should I start at? I don't know,
$10 ,000. For this rat hole's bid.

All right, I don't know why I'm doing
this, because this place really stinks,

but I'm bidding $10 ,000.

I have $10 ,000. Do I hear $10 ,500?

$20 ,000 for the pigsty!

What are you doing here?

Screwing you and getting a house for
cheap.

Oh, yes.

$20 ,001.

I'm sorry, sir, you have to bid in
increments of $500.

All righty, then. $20 ,500 and $1.

Shove that $1 down his throat.

$35 ,000.

$40 ,000.

$45 ,000.

$50 ,000. We can go up this all night if
you want, lady. It's not my money.

What are you doing?

Would you shut up? We're almost at what
I pay for the place.

Oh, look, here's my neighbors.

Good to see you out for the support.
Thanks, man. Hey, what's the bidding at?

Oh, $50 ,000. $55 ,000.

$57 ,000.

What are you doing?

We're going to knock down your house and
build something nice.

$58 ,000.

Do I hear $60 ,000?

$60 ,000.

$30 ,000.

That might work.

Why do you care? You don't own the house
anymore.

$65 ,000.

I'm trying to buy it back. I remember my
friend Louis here bid on it for me.

Oh, we didn't know that.

Did you hear that? Honey, he's trying to
buy the house back.

Well, then I better bid higher.

$70 ,000.

Well, that's a little too rich for my
blood.

Just for the fun of it.

Seventy -two -five!

Wait. That's how I own the house. Now
what do I do? I'll tell you what you do.

Seventy -three thousand!

Seventy -four thousand! Hold it!

Look.

I love this house, man. I grew up here.
It's my childhood home.

That's how I know that the guy on the
other side of you with the big lot has a

heart condition.

He's gonna be a long winter.

Big driveway, small snow shovel. You do
the math.

All right, all right. Show us, man.

$74 ,001.

$75 ,001.

Sold for $75 ,000. Hey!

All right.

I got my house back. Oh, a little more
than I paid for it, but with a lower

interest rate, it'll all even out. Oh,
well, you know, that just goes to show.

If you let the system beat you long
enough, eventually it's going to get

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have someone
I have to see.

Ho, oven!

I'm home!

Tim, I'm going down there.

Cheeseburger.

Spaghetti dinner.

Hey, I ordered meatballs.

Check out the blonde at the bar. She's
cute.

Hey, baby, you want to take the stairway
to heaven?

It's just past the men's row.

Sorry, buddy.

Hey, get a haircut and work out, would
you?