All language subtitles for The Drew Carey Show s03e01 Drew Vs Billboard

Anyway, congratulations, Smith. Not even
a year and you're off to an annual

management training seminar in Hawaii.

You must feel good about that. Then
again, you must always feel good. You're

fit as a fiddle. Look at you.

Now, Kerry, if there's not too much of a
strain on your heart, waddle over to

the benefits department and process
Smith's paid leave.

And no grazing by the vending machine.

You know, sir, I thought maybe I could
go to Hawaii this year. You know, I was

hoping to try out my new Speedos, my
tanning lotion.

Oh, I get it. You use the tanning lotion
to get into the Speedos. Well, you'll

have to do it somewhere else other than
Hawaii because you're not going.

But, sir, last year you said maybe this
year.

Well, you should know by now, Kerry.
When I say maybe, it means no.

But maybe next year, huh?

Thank you, sir.

Hey. Hey, Kate, guess what?

In the broadest sense of the term, I
just had sex.

Drew, you're not going to Hawaii again.
I'm sorry.

I don't care about going to Hawaii.

I got Baywatch tapes. I got takeout.

You know what really kills me?

Everybody knows the guy who goes to
Hawaii is the next guy to get the next

promotion. To who are they sending?

Some pretty boy named Smith.

You know, he looks fit and energetic, so
everybody just assumes that he's the

best man for the job.

I'm a big guy, so they just assume that
I'm slow and out of shape.

Gary, I need a copy of this report,
chop, chop. Now, I need you to run down

the... What am I thinking? O 'Brien, run
this down to the copy room, would you?

How do you do that, sir?

Time me.

Gary, this is a watch, not a calendar.

Oh, yeah?

Here we go.

Wow, is he fast.

And not that big.

Okay. Much like tropical fish, I believe
he'd grow to the size of his

environment.

The only reason he's not bigger is
because his cubicle isn't bigger.

Here you go, sir. Two copies.

Only took me a few seconds, and I feel
great.

Hey, what's that over there?

Damn it, Kerry! What am I looking at?

This is gone, sir. Never mind.

Well, on the other hand, running up and
down the hall will hardly get you on a

Wheaties box.

Oh, darn, it's empty.

I'll fill that, sir.

What do you want, the red top or the
blue top?

I should call a doctor now.

Let me see.

I think I'll have the answer. Sorry to
interrupt while Drew shows you how much

water he can retain.

But you forgot to sign these important
papers.

Oh, right here, you forgot to dot an I.

And on this one, here's a C that kind of
looks like an E.

Oh, and in here, this is a G that looks
like a J.

No, that's clearly a G.

No.

No, it's a J.

No, it's a G.

from here even though the sparkly
thing's in stars shooting out of it.

The reason the bottle's empty is because
the water cooler's broken.

Ha, there's my face red.

All I found was the store nurse and she
was hammered. Are you okay?

No, I'm not okay.

I'm in the worst shape of my life.

You know, they're right.

I can't even lose a few pounds. I don't
deserve a trip to Hawaii or a promotion.

Come on, Juicy. You're not Mr. Universe.
You're not in that bad of shape.

Keep up the job, I gotta find my way
through the hustle and bust.

Sounds of the city pounding in my brain
while another day goes down the drain.

Yeah, yeah. But it's a five o 'clock
world when the wind so blows.

No one owns a piece of my time.

And there's a five o 'clock me inside my
clothes.

Thinking that the world looks fine.

Okay.

You're right, it is getting bigger.

And the hair -thickening shampoo.

Where'd you get that stuff, anyway?

At work. Darko's testing it on hamsters.

That's a hamster?

Oh, my God.

And look at the size of my hands.

Hey, Drew. Hey, bud.

Hey, have a beer.

It's full size. It just looks puny in my
giant hands.

Hey, what's with the beer? You guys are
supposed to be helping me lose weight.

Oh, yeah, well, we talked about it and
we decided it would be easier just to

have the rest of the world get fatter.

I'm serious this time. I've got a whole
program worked out.

Step number one, no more lettuce on my
cheeseburgers.

You see, it's the roughage that blocks
the meat from falling out.

So, what's the cheese for?

The cheese opens the door.

Why don't you just join a gym?

I'm not in good enough shape to join a
gym. I don't want everybody seeing me

like this.

Problem is, where do guys like me go?

I think we're there.

Then this will be my gym.

Gotta have a word with my trainer.

Hey, bartender!

Hey, I'll spot ya.

Hey, give me a water.

Ah, make a light beer.

Ah, what the hell? It's a light beer.
Make it three.

Your friend.

Take it from a guy who had the same
problem.

Switching a light beer ain't gonna help
you lose weight.

Oh, thanks, buddy.

Have one on me. Tim, give this guy a big
frosty mug and mind your own damn

business.

Let me show you something.

That's how fat I was a year ago.

Who's that behind you?

That's my neck.

Wow, how'd you do it? Believe me, I
tried every diet and gimmick in the

but nothing worked until I figured out
how to make my cravings work for me.

That's when I came up with the beer
diet.

Yeah, I got one too. You drink, you pass
out, you don't eat for two days.

Good times, good times.

No, what I did was, I added vitamins.

Then I came up with my own blockers to
stop the carbs in the beer from turning

into sugar, which turns into fat.

I call it Vita -Beer.

A beer diet.

Wow.

How much is it for these babies, huh?

Well, 50 bucks a bottle at the stores,
but, uh, I don't know, I could give it

you for 45.

Well, how long does it last?

It depends on how much you drink.

We can't afford that.

Okay, maybe we could work it a different
way.

I need to take some before and after
pictures of Vitabeer's success stories

show to investors.

How about I give you the pills it costs,
and you let me take a picture of you

without a shirt on?

Hold on.

Did you used to be the swim coach at the
Lakewood Community Center?

Don't worry. Nobody's going to see these
pictures except for potential investors

and clients.

One year ago, huh?

I'll tell you what. Give me the first
bottle for free. You got yourself a

Here. This is my card. Call me on
Monday. We'll set up a photo shoot.

A photo shoot, huh?

Hey, I don't have to climb on a horse,
do I? Because I have allergies.

Hey, guys.

Look, I just got a new diet. You lose
weight just by drinking beer.

And this is my first workout.

Feel the burn.

Feel smaller already.

That's just because you're sitting next
to Lewis's head.

Hey, my head's not that big.

Hey there, sweet cheeks. Cut me off a
piece of that.

Wow, it must be working.

Drew, what's all the honking about?

Say hello to the honky.

Why would they be honking at you?

Hey, Stutley.

Liking it.

Isn't it obvious?

Why do women go to a Brad Pitt movie?
I'm shaking my money maker out here.

They're begging for change.

No one else?

I think I might have found an ad this
morning.

Drew. What?

Look behind you.

Why?

Somebody check me out from behind?

No.

Turn around and look up.

Look up at what?

Put my head on my dad's body.

Saw the billboard.

It wasn't my idea.

That picture is only supposed to be seen
by potential investors.

Well, who'd guess that a guy that makes
something called Vita beer would lie to

you?

You know, holding a horn like that, you
kind of look like the Partridge family

bus.

Yeah, yeah, hurt, destroyed, anyway.

people to lose weight because just this
morning I saw a bunch of them throwing

up right in front of your billboard.

Lewis, what are you wearing?

Oh, I packed my head in ice.

I figured that growth was just due to
swelling. A couple more hours and

Sometimes he freezes up.

you're right as rain.

Well, thanks a lot for coming by, but
there's nothing you can say to make me

feel any better.

Oh, yeah?

You remember that teacher who said you'd
never be famous being fat and dumb?

Looks like you got a call to make.

And, you know, more people in America
look like you than, you know, the way

really want to look.

You know, people are probably honking
because they're proud to see someone

secure enough to pose like that, huh?
They're not laughing, honking, pointing,

and making snide remarks at you.

They're laughing, honking, pointing, and
making snide remarks with you.

You know, you're right. And if one of
you gives me another compliment, I'm not

going to punch you in the face and go to
the emergency ward with you. All right,

fine, fine, fine.

Fine.

Excuse me, I'm here about the sales
position.

Oh, yeah, hi. Drew Carey. Nice to meet
you.

Hey, you're the guy on the billboard,
aren't you?

Yeah, just have a seat. Get down to
business here.

You know, I looked at your resume, and,
boy, you know, you seem to have a lot of

sales experience, and people have a lot
of nice things to say.

Hey, eyes up here, buddy. Come on, lift
your shirt up.

I want to tell my wife I touched it. No,
that's it. Come on, just the little one

on the side.

What is it, Mimi?

Drew's too fat to do his job.

I was afraid it might come to this.

Look, I know about the billboard, and
I'm sorry, but I'm afraid you're going

have to get it down.

I can't take it down. I called the owner
of Ida Berry. He says there's nothing I

can do. I signed a relief, and I have no
recourse. Well, I have a bigger

problem. When people picture a Winfred
Lauder employee, we'd like them to think

of someone who might be around for the
next ten years.

Sir, that's a match of luxism.

Don't talk to me about luxism. How many
times have I not been taken seriously

because I'm too damn good looking?

Is this a riddle, sir?

Get the billboard down, Carrie, or I'll
be forced to give you a position where

you don't have to interface with the
public.

You mean... That's right.

Night basement guy.

Ooh, tough spot to be in, pig.

I've been in tougher.

Let me tell you something.

One way or the other, that billboard's
coming down by tomorrow.

Yeah, well, that's why I had this made
for the board of directors' luncheon.

You like it?

I call it the ice -ca -pig.

Drew's stomach.

It's like the other side of the moon.

I read that one day people will live on
Drew's stomach.

Everybody just shut up.

We've got to hurry up and tear this
thing down in front of everybody who

us. Hey, Lewis, why don't you cover us
with your enormous head?

All right. Okay, all right. You had your
fun, okay?

Turns out it was just a figment of my
imagination.

So no more side effects or after
effects?

No, no, they... tested the shampoo on a
couple of horses and they're fine.

What are you people doing up here?

What are you doing up here?

Somebody left a message on my machine
telling me you were going to tear down

billboard tonight.

Oh, somebody had to have the guts to
leave their name?

Mimi Bobeck. She works with you.

She said to say hi.

a lot of trouble. As soon as I fix this
thing, I'm calling the cops.

What the hell? Is that a flap or a gill?

All right, buddy.

Now I'm going to show you what it's like
to be humiliated in front of everybody

in Cleveland.

Oswald Lewis, strap his arm.

Come on. Hey, get up.

You got big problems, buddy.

Oh, and I just spotted another one. That
motor doesn't look good. Hey, don't

listen to him, Drew. There's plenty of
stuff on you that doesn't look good. No,

no, no. I'm serious.

Dude, here's a pre -med in dermatology.
That mole looks suspicious. Now, why

don't you let me down and I'll take a
look at it.

Right, buddy.

This is for every chubby kid who's ever
been humiliated in school by bullies

like you.

Jeez! Just a stupid beer diet, pal. See
you shrink.

You guys, we gotta get going. There's
some cars coming.

Oh!

Maybe I should have that mole looked at.

I hope you ate some cheese so you can
open the door and let the farmer out.

Mimi, where would I find Kerry?

Um, wherever women are crying, sir.

I need some of the pension files. I
don't know where Kerry put them. Oh,

right here.

Are you sure we should invade his
privacy like this?

Oh, well, if you don't think... Just a
formality covering my ass, carry on.

Mimi, if you can hear this, it's already
too late.

Told you we shouldn't have done this!

Amateur.

Okay, let's see.

Ordinarily, it's the red wire firth to
diffuse.

Ha! That's the story of Carrie's life.

Either it goes off too early, or it
doesn't go off at all.

matter, Mimi?

Computer crash?

Nice one, Drew. One of your best.

Why so late, pig?

I went to the doctor to check out an
abnormal growth.

Are you okay?

Better than okay.

Turns out the mole was nothing and I had
a complete physical. I finally have

actual proof that I am in great shape.
In fact, I'm so happy, I want to set you

up again.

Hey, Mimi, just went to the doctor to
check out an abnormal growth.

Oh, well, why don't you just do what
your mom did and call it Drew?

You know, I never thought I'd be happy
to see your face again, but after that

little scare, it's amazing how nothing's
changed. Beat it, clowny.

Drew, everything's okay at the doctor?

Just a normal ball.

Man, you're lucky.

I knew a guy at Drug Co. out of growth.
They removed it and found out his entire

body was ravaged by spiders.

I heard it was a giant cactus filled
with spiders.

I heard it was a woman's beehive hairdo.

I heard it was Richard Gere.

The point is, I'm in great shape, I
deserve a promotion, and I'm going to

right now.

Mr. Wick!

Yes, Kenny?

Next time a trip to Hawaii comes up, I
want to have it.

How's this afternoon sound?

Like you're anking my chain. No, no, I
mean it. Here's your ticket.

Smith's coming back early. In fact,
uh...

He'll be waiting for you at the airport.

Oh, couldn't handle the pressure, huh?

Apparently not.

He's dead.

Oh, my God, how'd he die?

Heart attack.

He might have lived, but apparently they
had difficulty getting the shot of

adrenaline through his highly developed
pecs.

Doctor was told me I had the perfect
chest for a rib spreader.

So, Mr. Wick, I hope this tragedy has
proved to you that people who appear

physically fit aren't necessarily the
best ones for the job.

But I like strong, healthy -looking
people.

Ugly people make me sad.

Oh, don't you worry about it, Mr. Wick,
because I'm going to prove you wrong.

I'm going to Hawaii, I'm going to that
seminar, I'm going to prove to you that

I'm the best management executive
material this store has ever seen.

No, no, the seminar's over.

You just have to go there, put the
ticket on the casket, collect the body,

come back here.

Well, just exactly how long am I going
to be there?

Two hours.

Just enough time to check out the
beautiful beaches and get back to the

traffic permitting.

Oh, that's okay. I can't go in the sun
anyway because of my mole.

Never mind. There's plenty of other
things to enjoy.

In fact, you and Smith will be changing
planes at Tampa and Minneapolis.

Aloha.

Hey, I get to drink with that guy
through three airports.

I've got to buy some film.

This is me and Smith in Hawaii. He's the
one in the box.

This is me and Smith in Minneapolis.

I'm the one in the box.

We were horsing around.

What happened to that bite of beer guy?

I heard he went out of business.

Oh, so I guess they took that billboard
down, huh?

Yeah, I heard they put up another one
yesterday. Thank God.

Drew, what's the letter here from New
Lifestyles Cruises? It looks like a

It must be a mistake.