Original subtitles

Anyway, congratulations, Smith. Not even a year and you're off to an annual

management training seminar in Hawaii.

You must feel good about that. Then again, you must always feel good. You're

fit as a fiddle. Look at you.

Now, Kerry, if there's not too much of a strain on your heart, waddle over to

the benefits department and process Smith's paid leave.

And no grazing by the vending machine.

You know, sir, I thought maybe I could go to Hawaii this year. You know, I was

hoping to try out my new Speedos, my tanning lotion.

Oh, I get it. You use the tanning lotion to get into the Speedos. Well, you'll

have to do it somewhere else other than Hawaii because you're not going.

But, sir, last year you said maybe this year.

Well, you should know by now, Kerry. When I say maybe, it means no.

But maybe next year, huh?

Thank you, sir.

Hey. Hey, Kate, guess what?

In the broadest sense of the term, I just had sex.

Drew, you're not going to Hawaii again. I'm sorry.

I don't care about going to Hawaii.

I got Baywatch tapes. I got takeout.

You know what really kills me?

Everybody knows the guy who goes to Hawaii is the next guy to get the next

promotion. To who are they sending?

Some pretty boy named Smith.

You know, he looks fit and energetic, so everybody just assumes that he's the

best man for the job.

I'm a big guy, so they just assume that I'm slow and out of shape.

Gary, I need a copy of this report, chop, chop. Now, I need you to run down

the... What am I thinking? O 'Brien, run this down to the copy room, would you?

How do you do that, sir?

Time me.

Gary, this is a watch, not a calendar.

Oh, yeah?

Here we go.

Wow, is he fast.

And not that big.

Okay. Much like tropical fish, I believe he'd grow to the size of his

environment.

The only reason he's not bigger is because his cubicle isn't bigger.

Here you go, sir. Two copies.

Only took me a few seconds, and I feel great.

Hey, what's that over there?

Damn it, Kerry! What am I looking at?

This is gone, sir. Never mind.

Well, on the other hand, running up and down the hall will hardly get you on a

Wheaties box.

Oh, darn, it's empty.

I'll fill that, sir.

What do you want, the red top or the blue top?

I should call a doctor now.

Let me see.

I think I'll have the answer. Sorry to interrupt while Drew shows you how much

water he can retain.

But you forgot to sign these important papers.

Oh, right here, you forgot to dot an I.

And on this one, here's a C that kind of looks like an E.

Oh, and in here, this is a G that looks like a J.

No, that's clearly a G.

No.

No, it's a J.

No, it's a G.

from here even though the sparkly thing's in stars shooting out of it.

The reason the bottle's empty is because the water cooler's broken.

Ha, there's my face red.

All I found was the store nurse and she was hammered. Are you okay?

No, I'm not okay.

I'm in the worst shape of my life.

You know, they're right.

I can't even lose a few pounds. I don't deserve a trip to Hawaii or a promotion.

Come on, Juicy. You're not Mr. Universe. You're not in that bad of shape.

Keep up the job, I gotta find my way through the hustle and bust.

Sounds of the city pounding in my brain while another day goes down the drain.

Yeah, yeah. But it's a five o 'clock world when the wind so blows.

No one owns a piece of my time.

And there's a five o 'clock me inside my clothes.

Thinking that the world looks fine.

Okay.

You're right, it is getting bigger.

And the hair -thickening shampoo.

Where'd you get that stuff, anyway?

At work. Darko's testing it on hamsters.

That's a hamster?

Oh, my God.

And look at the size of my hands.

Hey, Drew. Hey, bud.

Hey, have a beer.

It's full size. It just looks puny in my giant hands.

Hey, what's with the beer? You guys are supposed to be helping me lose weight.

Oh, yeah, well, we talked about it and we decided it would be easier just to

have the rest of the world get fatter.

I'm serious this time. I've got a whole program worked out.

Step number one, no more lettuce on my cheeseburgers.

You see, it's the roughage that blocks the meat from falling out.

So, what's the cheese for?

The cheese opens the door.

Why don't you just join a gym?

I'm not in good enough shape to join a gym. I don't want everybody seeing me

like this.

Problem is, where do guys like me go?

I think we're there.

Then this will be my gym.

Gotta have a word with my trainer.

Hey, bartender!

Hey, I'll spot ya.

Hey, give me a water.

Ah, make a light beer.

Ah, what the hell? It's a light beer. Make it three.

Your friend.

Take it from a guy who had the same problem.

Switching a light beer ain't gonna help you lose weight.

Oh, thanks, buddy.

Have one on me. Tim, give this guy a big frosty mug and mind your own damn

business.

Let me show you something.

That's how fat I was a year ago.

Who's that behind you?

That's my neck.

Wow, how'd you do it? Believe me, I tried every diet and gimmick in the

but nothing worked until I figured out how to make my cravings work for me.

That's when I came up with the beer diet.

Yeah, I got one too. You drink, you pass out, you don't eat for two days.

Good times, good times.

No, what I did was, I added vitamins.

Then I came up with my own blockers to stop the carbs in the beer from turning

into sugar, which turns into fat.

I call it Vita -Beer.

A beer diet.

Wow.

How much is it for these babies, huh?

Well, 50 bucks a bottle at the stores, but, uh, I don't know, I could give it

you for 45.

Well, how long does it last?

It depends on how much you drink.

We can't afford that.

Okay, maybe we could work it a different way.

I need to take some before and after pictures of Vitabeer's success stories

show to investors.

How about I give you the pills it costs, and you let me take a picture of you

without a shirt on?

Hold on.

Did you used to be the swim coach at the Lakewood Community Center?

Don't worry. Nobody's going to see these pictures except for potential investors

and clients.

One year ago, huh?

I'll tell you what. Give me the first bottle for free. You got yourself a

Here. This is my card. Call me on Monday. We'll set up a photo shoot.

A photo shoot, huh?

Hey, I don't have to climb on a horse, do I? Because I have allergies.

Hey, guys.

Look, I just got a new diet. You lose weight just by drinking beer.

And this is my first workout.

Feel the burn.

Feel smaller already.

That's just because you're sitting next to Lewis's head.

Hey, my head's not that big.

Hey there, sweet cheeks. Cut me off a piece of that.

Wow, it must be working.

Drew, what's all the honking about?

Say hello to the honky.

Why would they be honking at you?

Hey, Stutley.

Liking it.

Isn't it obvious?

Why do women go to a Brad Pitt movie? I'm shaking my money maker out here.

They're begging for change.

No one else?

I think I might have found an ad this morning.

Drew. What?

Look behind you.

Why?

Somebody check me out from behind?

No.

Turn around and look up.

Look up at what?

Put my head on my dad's body.

Saw the billboard.

It wasn't my idea.

That picture is only supposed to be seen by potential investors.

Well, who'd guess that a guy that makes something called Vita beer would lie to

you?

You know, holding a horn like that, you kind of look like the Partridge family

bus.

Yeah, yeah, hurt, destroyed, anyway.

people to lose weight because just this morning I saw a bunch of them throwing

up right in front of your billboard.

Lewis, what are you wearing?

Oh, I packed my head in ice.

I figured that growth was just due to swelling. A couple more hours and

Sometimes he freezes up.

you're right as rain.

Well, thanks a lot for coming by, but there's nothing you can say to make me

feel any better.

Oh, yeah?

You remember that teacher who said you'd never be famous being fat and dumb?

Looks like you got a call to make.

And, you know, more people in America look like you than, you know, the way

really want to look.

You know, people are probably honking because they're proud to see someone

secure enough to pose like that, huh? They're not laughing, honking, pointing,

and making snide remarks at you.

They're laughing, honking, pointing, and making snide remarks with you.

You know, you're right. And if one of you gives me another compliment, I'm not

going to punch you in the face and go to the emergency ward with you. All right,

fine, fine, fine.

Fine.

Excuse me, I'm here about the sales position.

Oh, yeah, hi. Drew Carey. Nice to meet you.

Hey, you're the guy on the billboard, aren't you?

Yeah, just have a seat. Get down to business here.

You know, I looked at your resume, and, boy, you know, you seem to have a lot of

sales experience, and people have a lot of nice things to say.

Hey, eyes up here, buddy. Come on, lift your shirt up.

I want to tell my wife I touched it. No, that's it. Come on, just the little one

on the side.

What is it, Mimi?

Drew's too fat to do his job.

I was afraid it might come to this.

Look, I know about the billboard, and I'm sorry, but I'm afraid you're going

have to get it down.

I can't take it down. I called the owner of Ida Berry. He says there's nothing I

can do. I signed a relief, and I have no recourse. Well, I have a bigger

problem. When people picture a Winfred Lauder employee, we'd like them to think

of someone who might be around for the next ten years.

Sir, that's a match of luxism.

Don't talk to me about luxism. How many times have I not been taken seriously

because I'm too damn good looking?

Is this a riddle, sir?

Get the billboard down, Carrie, or I'll be forced to give you a position where

you don't have to interface with the public.

You mean... That's right.

Night basement guy.

Ooh, tough spot to be in, pig.

I've been in tougher.

Let me tell you something.

One way or the other, that billboard's coming down by tomorrow.

Yeah, well, that's why I had this made for the board of directors' luncheon.

You like it?

I call it the ice -ca -pig.

Drew's stomach.

It's like the other side of the moon.

I read that one day people will live on Drew's stomach.

Everybody just shut up.

We've got to hurry up and tear this thing down in front of everybody who

us. Hey, Lewis, why don't you cover us with your enormous head?

All right. Okay, all right. You had your fun, okay?

Turns out it was just a figment of my imagination.

So no more side effects or after effects?

No, no, they... tested the shampoo on a couple of horses and they're fine.

What are you people doing up here?

What are you doing up here?

Somebody left a message on my machine telling me you were going to tear down

billboard tonight.

Oh, somebody had to have the guts to leave their name?

Mimi Bobeck. She works with you.

She said to say hi.

a lot of trouble. As soon as I fix this thing, I'm calling the cops.

What the hell? Is that a flap or a gill?

All right, buddy.

Now I'm going to show you what it's like to be humiliated in front of everybody

in Cleveland.

Oswald Lewis, strap his arm.

Come on. Hey, get up.

You got big problems, buddy.

Oh, and I just spotted another one. That motor doesn't look good. Hey, don't

listen to him, Drew. There's plenty of stuff on you that doesn't look good. No,

no, no. I'm serious.

Dude, here's a pre -med in dermatology. That mole looks suspicious. Now, why

don't you let me down and I'll take a look at it.

Right, buddy.

This is for every chubby kid who's ever been humiliated in school by bullies

like you.

Jeez! Just a stupid beer diet, pal. See you shrink.

You guys, we gotta get going. There's some cars coming.

Oh!

Maybe I should have that mole looked at.

I hope you ate some cheese so you can open the door and let the farmer out.

Mimi, where would I find Kerry?

Um, wherever women are crying, sir.

I need some of the pension files. I don't know where Kerry put them. Oh,

right here.

Are you sure we should invade his privacy like this?

Oh, well, if you don't think... Just a formality covering my ass, carry on.

Mimi, if you can hear this, it's already too late.

Told you we shouldn't have done this!

Amateur.

Okay, let's see.

Ordinarily, it's the red wire firth to diffuse.

Ha! That's the story of Carrie's life.

Either it goes off too early, or it doesn't go off at all.

matter, Mimi?

Computer crash?

Nice one, Drew. One of your best.

Why so late, pig?

I went to the doctor to check out an abnormal growth.

Are you okay?

Better than okay.

Turns out the mole was nothing and I had a complete physical. I finally have

actual proof that I am in great shape. In fact, I'm so happy, I want to set you

up again.

Hey, Mimi, just went to the doctor to check out an abnormal growth.

Oh, well, why don't you just do what your mom did and call it Drew?

You know, I never thought I'd be happy to see your face again, but after that

little scare, it's amazing how nothing's changed. Beat it, clowny.

Drew, everything's okay at the doctor?

Just a normal ball.

Man, you're lucky.

I knew a guy at Drug Co. out of growth. They removed it and found out his entire

body was ravaged by spiders.

I heard it was a giant cactus filled with spiders.

I heard it was a woman's beehive hairdo.

I heard it was Richard Gere.

The point is, I'm in great shape, I deserve a promotion, and I'm going to

right now.

Mr. Wick!

Yes, Kenny?

Next time a trip to Hawaii comes up, I want to have it.

How's this afternoon sound?

Like you're anking my chain. No, no, I mean it. Here's your ticket.

Smith's coming back early. In fact, uh...

He'll be waiting for you at the airport.

Oh, couldn't handle the pressure, huh?

Apparently not.

He's dead.

Oh, my God, how'd he die?

Heart attack.

He might have lived, but apparently they had difficulty getting the shot of

adrenaline through his highly developed pecs.

Doctor was told me I had the perfect chest for a rib spreader.

So, Mr. Wick, I hope this tragedy has proved to you that people who appear

physically fit aren't necessarily the best ones for the job.

But I like strong, healthy -looking people.

Ugly people make me sad.

Oh, don't you worry about it, Mr. Wick, because I'm going to prove you wrong.

I'm going to Hawaii, I'm going to that seminar, I'm going to prove to you that

I'm the best management executive material this store has ever seen.

No, no, the seminar's over.

You just have to go there, put the ticket on the casket, collect the body,

come back here.

Well, just exactly how long am I going to be there?

Two hours.

Just enough time to check out the beautiful beaches and get back to the

traffic permitting.

Oh, that's okay. I can't go in the sun anyway because of my mole.

Never mind. There's plenty of other things to enjoy.

In fact, you and Smith will be changing planes at Tampa and Minneapolis.

Aloha.

Hey, I get to drink with that guy through three airports.

I've got to buy some film.

This is me and Smith in Hawaii. He's the one in the box.

This is me and Smith in Minneapolis.

I'm the one in the box.

We were horsing around.

What happened to that bite of beer guy?

I heard he went out of business.

Oh, so I guess they took that billboard down, huh?

Yeah, I heard they put up another one yesterday. Thank God.

Drew, what's the letter here from New Lifestyles Cruises? It looks like a

It must be a mistake.