Original subtitles

That's a known thing.

Ought to cool them charge washers.

Hey, Drew.

Hey, before we go to lunch, we wanted to show you our new promotional campaign

for Buzz Beer.

Is it better than the steering wheel bottle opener?

Oh, much better. You know how the big companies sponsor family -type events

sporting events and county fairs? Well, we've come up with a way of helping

parents spend some fun time with their kids while bringing them all into the

Buzzbeer family.

We call it Buzzbeer Children's Theater.

That's right.

Every week at your local library, you get a visit from Little Oswald and

Lewis.

This week's episode is entitled, My Dad's Stronger Than Your Dad.

Hey, Little Lewis, I bet my dad's stronger than your dad.

Oh, yeah, Little Oswald?

Well, I bet my dad's stronger than your dad. Hey, who do you think you're

stopping?

What are we fighting about?

Huh? The one thing both our dads have in common is that they both drink buzz

beer. And lots of it.

The end. Thank you. Thank you so much.

Oh, no, no. Is this a two -case idea or a three -case idea?

Hey, pig.

Hey, Mimi.

Finally figured out what pig means.

Pretty important guy.

That's why I had to put on all your business cards.

What? Drew Carey. Pig.

The other white meat.

Wait. You need me to show you I'm above all this.

I'm going to let you know if something happens when you pick up the phone.

Oh, hey, Kate, could you get that for me? I'm kind of busy. Sure. Kate, don't.

Hello? Yeah, she's here.

Hold on a second.

Keep yanking me, dickwad.

Hello?

Yeah?

Okay. All right, thanks. Bye -bye.

I'm sorry.

Forgot. It happens when you hang up the phone.

You're the one, pig.

I probably shouldn't even tell you that they just called to say you have a

message on their pneumatic tube.

How many times do I have to tell you, Mimi? There's two kinds of people in

world. The quick and the... Stupid.

Damn it, Mimi. This is a brand new suit.

Hey, I can't help but have got sucked into your gravitational pull.

How are you going to top that one, pig?

What are

you

smiling about?

Just picturing you topless.

Palma, bring my love to me tonight.

Guide her to Cleveland, underneath your silvery light.

We're going bowling, so don't lose her in stolen.

Moon over Palma tonight.

I think this whole win a date with Kate thing is crazy.

I mean, since when did I become a ham for you guys to give away?

Since we couldn't afford the ham.

Besides, you agreed to do this.

When? Last night, you said, hey, if that's what it takes to sell beer, then

me away as a date.

I never said that.

Yes, you did. You even called and left a message on my machine, which I happen

to have right here.

Perhaps you'd like to hear it? Yes, I would.

Hi, Drew. I would like you to give me away as a date for a buzz beer.

Contest?

Who's that?

Gee, I guess I can't argue with that.

It's all there in words I've used over the past five years.

Come on, Miss Chaperonia. And look, we're selling more buzz beer than we

all year.

Yeah, you know, it's kind of romantic. Like Cinderella.

But instead of a glass slipper, Prince Charming will find your name under a

cap. I won! I won! Look!

Hey, looks like a winner.

Bernard, I remember you from high school.

I beat you up once.

Twice, but all is forgiven.

This cap's a fake.

Anyone can see you scan this on a triple -pass 24 -bit scanner.

You should have used a single -pass 36 -bit snap scan to put it up on a

photorealistic color laser printer.

Geeks.

You're the one that slammed into me, you idiot. You're going to pay.

Why did you stop in the middle of the street? Well, I suddenly thought, how

I get my spare tire shoved up my bum?

Change for the phone, please, Bob. Keep it a bottle of your cheapest beer. Make

that two.

Oh, my God, they ordered Buzz Beers. That guy with Mr. Wick is so cute. Oh,

please don't believe that I win.

Hey, there's something on my bottle cap.

Oh, it's just the hair.

Who's this cake, and why do I have to date her?

All right, that's it. I am not going out with our boss.

Wait a minute. You can't back out of something we promised you'd do behind

back.

Listen, look, I'll have a talk with Mr. Wick. You know, you're an employee to be

uncomfortable. You know, he may seem obnoxious and rude, but deep down, he's

really a reasonable person.

Operator!

Operator! I get cut off!

You made my dad disrespect!

It wouldn't give me my quota back!

Hey,

Mr. Wick.

I need to talk to you about that date you went with Kate.

What are you doing?

Just adding a little energy boost to the water supply.

Aqua java.

Caffeinated water?

I noticed the employees get a little sleepy after lunch. I thought this would

help them through that midday lull. And to ensure they're good and thirsty.

Large bill of salty bread.

But we make our coffee with that water.

Oh, my God, that's why I jogged home last night.

Hey, Jim!

Hey, Mr. White!

How's it going?

Great copy, huh? Listen, I've been to that report you asked for. I also

a couple of footnotes, a couple of book reports, and a review of a movie I saw

last night. The copy machine was broke, so I wrote out a few copies by hand.

Here's a copy for you, here's a copy for you, and hey, have a copy!

Well, off the inventory. No, we're not supposed to do it for another couple of

weeks. Hey, what the hey, see ya!

that's going to be one sleepy, sweaty man.

You know, Mr. Wick, if you don't want to go out with Kate, I can have a talk

with her and let her down easy.

You tried to take away my prize.

I smell fraud.

No, sir. Here's all the information on the limo service and two tickets to see

Grease at the Cleveland Playhouse.

Although it is a bit of a dilemma.

Kate's an employee. It's against the rules for me to go out with her.

On the other hand, Tonya Harding as Rizzo in Grease is hard to pass up.

Well, then, don't think of it as a date. Just think of it as free dinner and a

show. You know, I'm sure Kate will be great company. She's a good person.

funny. Yes, yes, I'm sure I could listen to her jabber for a few hours and

pretend to laugh every 12 minutes.

Hey, I could have her wear a watch on her head if it'll help.

That's very funny, Gary. Thanks.

No, no, I'm just practicing.

Drew,

please tell me you changed his mind.

I know you think I can reason with Mr. Wick, but have you noticed my cubicle,

paycheck, the angry woman who sits behind me?

I guess I can get through one night. I've had bad dates before. I'll just

my teeth and drag myself through hell one more time.

That's the spirit.

Hold on.

Oh, Drew, the vending machine fell over on the fourth floor.

There's snickers as far as the eye can see.

Oh, well, I better go and make sure everyone's all right.

As if you're taking Mr. Wick to see Grease.

Keep your mitt off, he's mine.

Mimi, calm down. It's just dinner and a show.

I just don't want you undoing my work.

I almost got him where I want him. Yesterday he said, how'd you want your

coffee? The usual.

The usual.

He knows me.

Knows you? He's stalking you.

All I'm saying is I've got three things in my hair that I could kill you with.

So they learned to dodge the brush, didn't they?

Fine. Just remember, you come back and there's been any funny business, I'm

going to crush you just like this tomato.

It's one thing to yell fire in a crowded theater, but next time you see there's

free Snickers, you better read it, baby.

Lewis and I have come up with another great promotion idea.

You know all the famous dance crazes, Lambada, The Twist, The Achy Breaky

Wait a second, let me fast forward about two minutes.

Lewis Oswald, that's the stupidest idea I've ever heard in my life.

Okay, go ahead. All right, you're really going to like this one. We've come up

with a dance craze of our own, a buzz beer dance.

The buzzy.

Okay, you ready?

Boy, could I use a buzz beer. I said a buzz beer. That's right, a buzz

beer. Do the buzzy.

That

is

brilliant. We show that to people. If they don't drink more beer, we try to

it to them again.

Hey, Gage, you're back from your date.

Yeah, it wasn't so bad. You survived a night with that pasty -faced tea sucker.

Tea sucker.

On the car, honey.

Missed you.

Me too, Wiki.

Oh, my God.

Kate and Mr. Wiki like each other. That can't be bad, can it?

Well, let me see him.

Probably have to spend a lot more time with your boss.

And if things don't work out, odds are they'll blame you.

Let me fast forward about two minutes.

Nope, still screwed.

Let me try two hours.

Hey, I'm drunk off my ass. Nothing seems so bad.

That's it, huh? Saturday night, I got my boss in the backyard playing pool.

Now, if I could only get my heart doctor in the refrigerator, my mom in my

secret magazine drawer, life would be perfect.

All right, Mr. Wick.

One more ball and you are snookered again.

I hate losing. I hate it. Good luck, buddy.

What did you do that for?

Beat my boss? What are you, nuts?

Oh, look! I win!

I win!

He's beating us at snooker, cricket, and duck pins. I'm going in.

It's time to play our kind of a game.

Good old American Chinese checkers.

Gary? Now that we're alone, there's a couple of things I'd like to know about

Kate, but I'm not quite sure how to ask her. So I thought you being a best

friend and all, I could ask you. Oh, sir, I don't know if I'm really

comfortable. Now, what's Kate's favorite cologne?

Oh, those kind of questions. Oh, that's easy. It's obsession.

Obsession. Now, speaking of obsessions, sometimes I'm naughty.

And I like to be disciplined.

Do you think Kate would go for that?

Cat got your tongue?

No, sir. Actually, I'm just hoping for a heart attack.

What about nude bitches?

No, no. There's no way. Kate would never pose for nude pictures. Oh, not of her.

Of me.

You know, me as a nude cowboy, perhaps. Or me playing naked bocce ball.

You know, I must have had too many kippers for lunch, because...

All of a sudden, I don't feel so good.

In fact, I...

I

feel much better now.

Drew, I'm going crazy.

Nigel made this special photo album for me, but he won't let me look at it until

tonight. But he didn't say you couldn't look at it.

Oh, hi, Cupcake. Oh, sorry.

You don't like it when I call you Cupcake. I've been a naughty boy.

We'll talk later.

Kelly, I thought I asked you for some insurance reports.

Oh, but sir, you didn't give me those final figures this morning.

If I don't have these reports at my desk in one hour, one of us won't be hanging

around your house this weekend.

Nigel, don't you think you're being a little hard on Drew?

It's none of your concern, Cupcake. Ooh, I said it again.

You'll have to punish me twice.

I'm sorry, honey, but Drew's my best friend.

I'm sorry, honey, but you're out of line.

What? You're also an employee, so why don't you go downstairs and sell your

pretty little lipsticks?

Now it comes out, doesn't it?

Well, you know, Drew was right. You really are a pompous, bullying, petty

for a man.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You misheard me. You misheard me. I believe I said confident, intelligent,

highly forgiving boss.

Come on, Drew. You've been wanting to tell him off for a long time. Here's

chance. Kate, that was my retirement speech.

I don't believe you.

Here I am defending you and you're not going to even back me up? Some friend

are. And you!

I don't want you to ever call me again!

More bad news, Gary.

You've ruined my relationship with Kate. And you embarrassed me in front of the

entire store!

You're fired!

Cause I got...

Here's the way to go.

Just remember that.

Oops, there it goes.

Ten years of my life.

And Carrie, one more thing.

Gotcha!

And you weren't really fighting?

No, it was all a prank. We weren't even dating.

Well, Captain, if Mr. Wick would win, I could teach you not to give away people

as prizes.

And I did it just to watch you sweat.

I'm sorry I had to do this.

But I still love you. That's friends, right?

Yeah, well, you got me all right.

So all that stuff about the report doing one hour on fire, just a joke, right?

No, no, one hour. Oh, you're fine.

Just checking.

Thank you so much for being such a good sport, Mr. Wick. No problem. Actually,

it was rather nice getting to know you better. Yeah, it was really nice. I had

lot of fun.

What's the word?

Grease is the word.

I love you.

Nothing.

All right, I love you.

Oh, well, thank you, sir.

Okay, back to work.

and Mr. Wick was a joke. Is that true?

Yeah, it was a joke and it just keeps on getting funnier.

Oh, well, then I'm sorry to hear about your car.

What did you just say?

I'm just saying, you know, that if someone scratched slut on

the door's trunk and hood,

In fact, I'm going to find out who did it.

What a great place to spend a lunch hour at a toy store.

Hey, hey, you need to get into these bubbles with that paddle ball. Okay.

Here, I'll tell you I hate the bubbles.

Mr. Wick's in love with me.

Does this woman ever stop?

She's nutty, I tell you. She's nutty.

Drew, I'm serious. He told me.

Hello, Drew.

Dreamt about you last night?

Thank you, sir.

Tell me, Drew, do you think you can get me these insurance reports?

I'd really, really like you to do that. If you do that, I'd be so happy.

Who knows? Maybe you'd be happy, too.

Wow, did you hear that?

Wow, you weren't kidding.

Man, he really wants those reports.

Geez, I don't want to hurt him. How do I tell him I'm not interested?

Let's see. What were some of my favorite ways to get dumped?

Oh, once a woman wrote a dear John letter in the bottom of a pie pan.

You know, it doesn't hurt so much when you're full.

Kate, could I talk to you for a minute?

Oh, uh... Kate, you want us to leave so just you're uncomfortable or should we

stay so we're all uncomfortable?

I'd like you to stay. You're her friends. You should hear this.

Kate, I'd really appreciate an answer at the end of this poem I've written you.

I'm no Byron, I'm no Keith, but when you're near, it's like I've eaten a

sweets. Mr. Whitley.

There's only just a little more.

I'm a skinny little boy in this body of a man.

Come on, give your love to me.

Love me.

Love me.

Love me if you can.

I'm sorry, Nigel. I just don't feel the same way.

I'm sorry.

Wait,

Mr. Wick. Let me read the last verse for you.

Gotcha!

Sorry, I can't hold it any longer.

Getting you back. Ha -ha, the joke's on Kate.

Nice one, Drew.

I'll get to both of you next time, I swear.

And we'll help.

And I'll get you to time after that.

And we'll help.

Thanks, Carrie.

I guess my heart led me into a bit of a situation there.

Same thing happened to me once, sir. I know how you're feeling. I mean, once in

seventh grade... I'm over it, Carrie.

Your rebound is here, sir.

My toast is stuck.

What do I do?

No.

Don't stick a knife in a toaster.

Ah, this will do the trick.